white

I dragged myself out of bed at 7:36am, four minutes after my alarm rang. Why did I set my alarm at 7:32? No, I did not. I set it at 7:28, and it would ring every 4 minutes after the snooze button was pressed. Why 7:28 instead of 7:30? Hmm.. I felt better in my head if I could wake up before 7:30.
It was so dark, as dark as last night when I went to bed. While dressing up, I heard the ring tone of a text message. I thought someone somewhere had experienced the first sunset of 2010. It was Naureen who delivered the first sign of the severe weather. She said she would be late to work because of snow.

I centered myself in thick clothing and had my coffee mug in hand and was about to open the front door of my apartment building. That was when I saw snow. Lots of snow. No surface of roads could be seen. My memory of February and March of 2007 came immediately into my visual mind. Oh, no. I breathed deeply and came back home, turning on heat and the computer. I am going to work at home and be productive.
By 10am, I had emailed out three messages that would be discussed in the lab meeting (oh, yes, we had a lab meeting on the last day of the year) and received information about two coworkers who have stuck in traffic since 7am.

Do I love my job?
Comparing to Vince, I should be more qualified to work in a university department of Occupational Therapy. And he actually is more qualified to work in a department of Neuroscience than me. The postdoc chief of the Research Center before me is currently a professor in Occupational Therapy NYU. However, I have not thought about applying a position in an OT department anywhere. Vince has. He is going back to Taipei for teaching in an OT department. My first reaction was not what a friend should behave. I was shocked and felt betrayed. But like Zabeth said: we are running behind an ideal that is not existing and life is short so it might be better to just go after what you know you want the most...even if it means that you are not doing what you always thought you would...

So true. I am now in a path that most cog psych PhDs would not choose: I am working with patients. I love the topic that I am doing research on. Spatial Neglect is fascinating, especially when I see it happening in front of my eyes. The other job contents were not expected in my life-long student years, but now I have learned how to do all those and hope doing them well.
How many people work in the exact same field as their highest school degrees? I would say less than 30%. It is because most jobs out there in the real world do not match a degree title. When they match, there are thousands of people compete for them. We do what we can offer. We do what makes us happiest.
I chose to stay near Manhattan because I could not stay away from a big city anymore. Life quality is prior to career development. This is in my blood of a city girl. When I was desperate looking for a living, mama said to me you do what makes you happy, my girl. My life accomplishment are my work and my children. However, I wish my biggest accomplishment was myself. At the end, only what makes you happy matters.
It is always easy to say so to others. I thank her for being unconditionally supportive.
I had said similar things to mama and others. But when it comes to myself, I struggle. Sticking to a goal that may conflict with other goals is so .... like a religious faith: You just wish the goal can be reached even though other goals may be sacrificed.

So do I love my job? Yes, because I love my life.
Winter is cold and snowy here, but I love seasonal changes. Like Millie said, we complain but we love it. It is so pretty. It makes you feel thankful that you can appreciate Nature in daily life.

HAPPY NEW YEAR's EVE
Stay warm and drive safe. Love yourself and your life.
See you next year.

2009 done list

I bought 5 magazines summarizing what happened in 2009 and predicting what may happen in 2010. I guess the journalists pretend the last week of 2009 would be news-less. There are some articles reminding readers of the first decade of the 21st century.
The first decade of the 21st century contains my 20s. The last week of 2009 is of personal importance to me. I am going to say goodbye to my 20s.

How may I summarize my 20s? This is an impossible task. I can only summarize the last year of my 20s, which has been done in this blog. Just click the column on your right-hand side, and you're welcome to read all the entries.
In the first entry of 2009, I posted a list. Let's review it and see if I have made all the items better.

10. The car is good. Bungbung ran more than 5000 miles from Aug to Nov, which broke my driving record. It usually ran that much in 8 to 10 months, but 2009 has been proved to be a year of lots of traveling.

9. I never give it up because I have never made it. Every time I thought I removed some fat, fat renewed itself. I will keep trying.

8. I was not involved in HR. If I were, I would've hired two people within a week when I submitted the paperwork. I interviewed 8 applicants and decided to hire 2 of them. The final decisions were made not just by me (I wish) in October. The two new employees started their positions mid December. What happened? I don't wanna recall this.

7. I got a grant! Thanks to Mr. Obama. I need more. One big deadline is in February. Wish me luck.

6. I emailed a person. I met the other. 2009 is a year of reconnecting to people who broke my heart. I forgive and I move on.

5. I was in Taiwan in January and May. Very happy to meet Mika and to visit Neffy's new apartment with her wonderful super kind husband. Neffy visited me in Hoboken in August. Now I am trying to get a research project going with Ching. I wish to visit Yellow in Tainan. I wish to see Jason happy and healthy. Dear friends in Taiwan are precious.

4. A doctor told Mama that he never saw a person with so much "good cholesterol". Please stay healthy and beautiful, mama.

3. I love Superstar.

2. I finished my postdoc status in less than 24 months :)

1. Hoboken is perfect for my current lifestyle.

I shall make a new wish list in a week.
For now, I am going to stare at those flowers and to think of someone who sang a song in my voice mail.

Happy Birthday to Me.

2009 Birthdays

silent night

Not a single sound has been coming through the walls.
The famous Irish bar next door is abnormally quiet.
Hoboken 7pm today feels like South Orange 7pm.
By 10pm, not a person is walking on the street. This is the first time I feel danger in this town.
Everyone is home.

A Christmas song has been ringing in my head since the Wednesday holiday concert in the Research Center.
I guess I feel peaceful.

I had my nails done.
I had a beer and a shot of almonds. Half of the people in the bar spoke with a foreign accent.
Are you like me who failed to get back to your family by tonight?
They are probably home. I am too. But families are far away.

Mama called and wondered why I was not with anyone. I reminded her that this is a family holiday, and that I am my own family here. She suggested me to get used to being alone, but if I could not stand anymore, she would welcome me home. Her words made me feel peaceful.

Life goes on, on to the next stage and the next. My campus-centered life became work-centered. The process was kinda painful and awful, but I survived. Now coworkers and I have formed a strong team, backing me up and making me smile.

Priyanka asked me if I celebrated Christmas. Comparing to Westerns, of course I don't really do anything serious or religious. But I like it. It makes me warm. All the decoration and all the greetings and all the smiles calm me.

Once I drew a tree for Christmas. It was not well appreciated.
The next time I bought a plastic tree. It was a waste and never used later.
Those two Christmases were not my favorites. Therefore, I don't need to have a Christmas tree in the house to enjoy the festive feeling. I can simply go out, and trees are on the street and are decorated beautifully.
It is a silent night. There is even no siren shouting around. It is simply a nice winter night, quiet and light.

Merry Christmas.

生日 birthday 願望 wish

十天後我要過三十歲生日了, 而七天後是我的農曆生日, 今年剛好遇上聖誕節.
Ten days from today, I'm turning 30. In fact, seven days from today, it will be my birthday according to the Chinese Lunar Calendar, and it happens to be the Christmas Day this year.

滿三十又遇上聖誕節,所以我要許一個特別的願望.
For this special birthday, I would like to make a special wish.

我希望你可以送一個特別的生日禮物給我.
I wish you will give me a special birthday present.


If you read English, please scroll down, read the English part of this entry, and I will tell you how to give me the special present.


小時候我從來沒有想要當醫生的理想, 我覺得那是一個被壓榨的工作, 每天工作時數超長, 賺得錢都是家人享受, 新聞又愛大肆報導過勞死, 醫生的小孩又往往被形容成富家紈絝子弟, 有掏金夢的無腦女人常把 “嫁給醫生“ 當成她們的生活目標. 所以我一直認為有理想有愛心的醫生大概入行沒幾年就失去了熱誠了, 而醫生不過就是一個用生命換取貪婪目的的職業.
直到我看到無國界醫生的新聞, 我非常感動, 在這樣功利主義和美式資本主義為主流的時代, 有這樣一群醫療人員願意到沒有經濟報酬的地區, 救護一群沒有醫療資源甚至教育資源的人.
那則新聞讓我第一次興起想要當義工的念頭.

台灣常常有國外慈善團體的報導, 台灣也常常捐助國外的困苦老百姓, 非洲人尤其是台灣的捐助對象,像是飢餓三十, 認養貧童, 農業教育之類的. 可是台灣境內困苦的人呢? 是誰在照顧? 一定是有的, 但是媒體曝光率不高, 代表性的慈善團體常常給我過度企業化經營的負面印象. 而個人行為的慈善更是沒有曝光率, 不太容易激起群體的共相善舉.

兩年前我回台灣時看到商業周刊報導台灣路竹會, 創始人也是會長的劉啟群牙醫師參與過無國界醫生的義診, 他從 1995 起開始帶領醫療隊到山區偏遠地區去幫我們自己台灣人, 我鼓勵麻嗎去當義工,麻嗎真的有去報名,但是後來因為去出差所以沒跟著去. 如果你願意, 他們的網站上有說明如何報名, 沒有醫療背景的人也可以去幫忙的.

要怎麼送我生日禮物呢?
請依照以下方式捐款到台灣路竹醫療和平會

郵政劃撥：
戶名：台灣路竹醫療和平會
帳號：19487090 註：此捐款方式，路竹會需支付郵局手續費

銀行匯款：
銀行:永豐銀行 新店分行
戶名:台灣路竹醫療和平會
帳號: 141-001-00120-867

如果你需要其他詳細資訊,可以用以下方式跟路竹會連絡
捐款服務電話：(02)-86-67-67-00 信箱： tradm@taiwanroot.org
這些捐款方式剪貼自 http://www.taiwanroot.org/htm/top-05.htm

如果你想要把禮物給我,由我來捐, 請點一下這個氣球：

然後祝我生日快樂囉 :)

Although I had read biography of Dr. Albert Schweitzer at the age of 8, being a medical doctor was never on my to-do list. I had not much respect for medical doctors. On TV news, these people worked to death and died with too much money for their spouses and children. Their life quality did not seem to meet my criteria of being satisfying. Women chased after them for their money. They had affairs with young ladies because they were rich. Their children were kidnapped because they were rich. It seemed to me that the positive image of physicians or surgeons was great wealth, but the negative image was also related to their wealth.

These images kinda changed when I read about Doctors Without Boarders on newspapers. I was quite impressed by those healthcare givers, going to people in need instead of waiting for people to ask for help. These doctors, nurses, therapists, pharmacists, aides, and all provided cares and examinations that I took for granted in Taiwan.

I did not think much about Doctors Without Boarders until 2007 when I read an extensive story on Taiwan Root Medical Peace Corps. This group was founded in 1995 by a dentist Dr. Chi-Chun Liu who had participated in Doctors Without Boarders. I was so moved by the story that I encouraged my mom to volunteer. I would have volunteered if I spent more time during my annual visit home.

Dr. Liu was awarded the Gusi Peace Prize just last month! I found this news when researching for material for this entry. I also found a news report released my birthday 2007 about the Taiwan Root Medical Corps' service in India.

Let's get back to the original topic: my birthday wish. I wish you will give me a special gift by donating money to Taiwan Root Medical Peace Corps or Doctors Without Boarders.

For people who read Chinese or live in Taiwan, I recommend you follow the Chinese instructions provided at the Chinese part of this entry. For people who read English or hold a credit card issued by countries other than Taiwan, please go to their English webpage. You will find a PayPal donation column on your right hand side.

For donating to Doctors Without Boarders, you can go their donation webpage and find out which method you prefer to make a donation.

Alternatively, if you prefer to give me the present and let me make the donation, you are welcome to click the following balloon.

Next, wish me happy birthday :)

things work

Actually I have done a lot of things personally and professionally.
I was writing about my background, career goals, etc. for the grant I'm going to apply for. I wanted to mention all the information relevant to the proposed project, and I found almost everything I did in school was relevant. I didn't pave this specific journey on purpose although I did know the direction I was going. Now looking back, things did line up pretty nicely toward where I've wanted to go.

I mentioned what kinds of education I received in the National Yang-Ming University.
I mentioned Tzeng and Hung, of course. I got even quite emotional, so overwhelmed that I emailed them thankyou notes.
I had seldom mentioned about Henrich Cheng, however. This time I did. Because participating in his research projects is now in fact nice experience to mention.
I had seldom mentioned about my internship in the National Taiwan University Hospital, either. This time I did. However, I decided not to put the fact that I passed the exam for being certified as a medical radiation technician. Well, it is not relevant and the certification has been expired for long.
I did also play and party quite hard. But it is not relevant to the grant writing either.

How could I did so much in undergrad years? I didn't have summer or winter vacations? No, I didn't! I always stayed near school and did tons of things near school. The fact that my home was in the same city played a role. The first time I was away from school in summer was 2003 after my first year of graduate school in the US. I went home for two months.
Gosh... I was such a good student. Correction: I was so good at school. I was in school for 27 years, including kindergarden years. My profession was being a student.
After describing my undergrad "achievements" for a half page, I told a story about my grad years for almost two pages. My record stunned myself. Did I really accomplish all those? In school, there were deadlines for everything. Time to go to a class. Time to take exams. Time to finish a project. Before I had time to fool around, thing were done, and the next thing was coming.
Gina once said "其實我也是個人才啊" ("actually I am pretty talented") while she was working on her resume. Now I kinda felt the same way. Who knew writing a grant would boost your self-esteem? Life is wonderful.

When designing the experiment for my doctoral dissertation, I went to a university near Philadelphia to ask a professor some questions. This professor, CF, was the person who originally proposed the theory that I was testing in my project. He was so nice and friendly and easy to get along with. Later on we greeted each other every time seeing each other in annual conferences. This year in a conference held in Boston, he asked me if I'd like to collaborate with him for he would like to explore the possibility of working on spatial neglect. I was very honored. After the conference, he did email me for arranging a meeting after the holiday season.

I was supposed to go to UPenn frequently for an fMRI project. However, administrative delays always can prolong the delay. The project has been discussed even before I moved to New Jersey. The project has been approved in UPenn a year ago. But the project has not started. Oh well.... During the process, I met a professor, AC, who was a former colleague of my boss. He gave me the similar first impression that CF gave me. They were both nice, calm, humbly smiley, bearded, and soft talkers. I liked the conversations with him. Today when I was reviewing my research record, I came up with a proposal to AC. I emailed him and asked him to be the co-investigator on the project. He accepted it! I was so glad. He made my day.

I would never imagine this in my late teens and early 20s when I was a busy undergrad or when I was struggling how to write my first English term paper. Even two years ago, I would not imagine how things have worked themselves out as if I was simply taking a ride. Yes, the ride was sometimes tough, but I survived. Now I seem to live on those things and see how far things can take me.

Things will work out as long as I keep being persistent and pushing things to work out.
This is what I've learned about things and myself today.

post offices

I packed things in a box to be sent to Taipei.
I checked online for the office hours of the nearest office in my neighborhood. It said that the office hours were 8:30 am to 5pm. Well, I leave home before 8:30 and come back after 5, so I decided that office was useless for me.
Therefore, I checked online to locate an office near the research center. Cool, I found one quite close. I did not bother to check the office hours because I was sure that I would go there during lunch break.
In the morning, I went to the hospital at Saddle Brook, and the patient's therapy schedule had just changed, meaning I could not work with him. I left the hospital, and before heading to the highway, I took Bungbung for some gas. Oh, there was a post office across the street from the gas station! I had not noticed it for the past two years.
It was a couple minutes past 9am. I supposed the office was open. So I went, and the sign of the door said it would not open until 10am. I stared at the sign for a minute and decided that post officers here had nicer morning rest than me. Oh well, I drove toward West Orange and planned to go to the post office there by 10am instead of 12.

I arrived there 10 before 10. It was closed. It would not open until 10am. A woman was waiting in front of the door. She told me that somehow post offices have changed their office hours everywhere. She also told me that the door would not open before 10am and would very possibly open later than 10am.
I listened to her and decided that nowadays post officers everywhere had nicer morning rest than most of people. Oh well, I did not want to wait and returned to my office.

Around 2:30, I finished work in Saddle Brook. Yes, I did drive back there to work with the patient.
I went to the post office that I first visited in the morning. The officer was a nice lady, directing me to put the box in a thick bullet-proof transparent chamber which she could not open her side until I closed my side. Wow.. that was rather impressive. She and I talked through a small hole on the thick bullet-proof transparent window. I never thought being in a post office could feel like being in a savings bank.
The lady told me that the box was just over the 4lb limit for about 11 Oz, meaning that it could not go as a first-class but a priority. That is, I had to pay $42 dollars and no less. She checked the weight for 3 times and showed the sorry face to me for 3 times. I was like... what can I do? I cannot open the box and take things out.

Before I paid, she was typing. Probably 5 to 10 minutes later, she printed a little piece of paper to me, stating that even without buying any insurance, my box was insured. I was like "thanks. cool." That paper did not contain any information about the box, the sender, or the receiver.
Some time later, she finished typing and started stamping on documents and the box. I paid. She provided me a receipt. I asked her how am I supposed to use that little piece of paper for insurance if I cannot track the box at all? She thought a bit and answered "I don't quite really know, but I hope you don't have to use that piece of paper at all."
I hesitated for my next question, but I eventually just said "thank you for your help." I left and got back to my work.

My memory of post offices in America is quite funny, frustrating, and adventurous. The funny post office was in Penn State. The officers there were jokers. The two men made the place loud, colorful, musical, helpful and exciting. One of the funny guys were laid off before I graduated, however, for the budget cut in the post office. There was even a campaign for saving him.
The frustrating office was in South Orange. I always stood in line no matter what time of the day I went. I tried super early (8:30) or mid-day (10-ish, 12-ish, 2-ish). It was not just waiting but long waiting. I witnessed an old lady faint and fall to the floor!
Now the adventurous office ..... dah lah.... was in Saddle Brook! Clean, nice, and bullet-proof.

get a hole

Sometimes, I want to get a hole and push someone into it. However, life is not perfect. My life, in particular, can be difficult.
I am not going to complain about certain managers who thought they were leaders but actually they are simply managers because of their positions.
I am not going to talk about recent events that made me frustrated about certain situations where I believe things could have turned out more enjoyable if those managers were actually behaving like real leaders.
You know what? I am going to keep thinking about spatial neglect, and neglect their existence for four days when I am in Boston meeting my old colleagues, chatting about science.

On the other hand, my life is not the worst kind. Even though not much exciting news happens, the fact that I can sleep for 8 hours everyday is pretty nice. Physicians get up super early and work for long hours. Long commuters get up super early and spend long hours in transportation. Mothers with young babies get up super early and sleep occasionally. I fall asleep when Superstar talks to me. I sleep well even when the next-door night club turns up the bass until 2am. Oh, I should stop playing "Max Injury" game on iTouch. I should have my 8 hours.
My eyes will close, and I am in a black hole, hiding from things that make my life difficult.

忽略

他就是過不了中線, 他不知道他的世界是一般人的一半, 他不知道他失去了一半的世界, 他不認為他畫的人他畫的花他畫的鐘都只有一半, 他不知道我為什麼要他一直描同一條線, 他可是樂此不疲的一直描, 從右手邊描到中間, 卻不明瞭我希望他描過中線描到左手邊. 他不知道什麼是左手邊, 他可以舉起左手, 他可以告訴我他的左手在哪裡, 護士在他的左手臂打針他會說他不要他會喊痛, 但是平常沒必要的時候他的左手卻像是一長條多餘的抱枕, 懸著, 被忽略著, 像是所有在他左手邊的任何人事物, 不存在了.

我不知道該怎麼辦, 到底可以怎麼辦, 他已經活過一般美國男人能活的年歲, 他有一家子人愛他關心他, 他甚至正在經歷著教課書裡定義的典型的半側忽略（感謝蔡醫師告訴我 spatial neglect 的中文翻譯）, 他成了我的教課書, 他真的活的很精彩呢.
但是我除了嘗試所有有趣的已經被發現的現象, 我不知道該怎麼辦, 該怎麼幫他和他的家人, 幫他重新體驗完整的世界.
重點是他不知道他失去了那一半, 他不懂我到底要幫他什麼, 他只是想回家.
如果他知道他失去了一半, 他會努力去做任何事情來重獲那一半, 他會知道他梳頭只梳一半, 他會知道他只刮了半邊臉, 他會知道他有一支袖子沒穿上, 他會知道他的眼鏡有一邊是歪的沒掛在耳朵上, 他會知道他只吃了一半的早餐, 沒喝到的果汁其實就在盤子的另一邊, 他會知道房間裡有兩個櫃子,他老找不到的文件其實在左邊的櫃子裡. 但是左邊對他來說是不存在的. 他不知道如果他能夠再次發現左邊的世界, 他就可以回家了.

晚上在餐廳裡吃飯, 隔壁桌的食客忽然癲癇了起來, 倒在地上. Kimberly 立刻向前, 表明自己是醫生, 問他什麼名字我們在哪裡今天吃藥了沒之類的問題, 他什麼也答不出來, 他的朋友不讓我們幫忙, 說就讓他在地上躺一下, 他會自己恢復意識的, 說他這樣已經好一陣子了.
後來救護車來了, 他的確慢慢恢復正常意識, 卻也不願意被送去醫院. Kimberly 幫不上忙, 我當然更是沒用, 一種“我真是沒用“的失落.

我每天都有這種失落, 幫不上忙的失落. 工作上, 我的病人們難以恢復, 他們的病根難以探究. 生活上, 我的生活習慣達不到要求, 不是太胖就是太懶, 不是太容易妥協就是太堅持己見. 親情裡, 許多時候只能聽著抱怨卻看著情況繼續惡化. 人際關係裡, 太多表面造作的你好嗎我很好, 莫名其妙的明爭暗鬥. 我不知道該怎麼辦做個有用的人. 幫不上忙. 我幫不了那些病人, 幫不了我自己, 幫不了家人朋友.
然後只有忽略這個失落的想法, 我才能繼續過每一天.
然後聽到的新聞又提醒我我有多麼幫不上忙, 然後我只好再忽略我的情緒, 然後再繼續過每一天.

忽略, 造就這一切庸庸碌碌.

superstars

Last year, I found a superstar.

From Crazy Halloween

This year, I found that I've had a superstar in my life:

From Halloween 2009

This morning, mama and I took a walk in the streets, covered with yellow and red leaves and with Halloween spooky decorations. It reminded me of the summer day when I was 15. We took a walk in the ZhongShan North Road in Taipei, simply walking and talking, enjoying trees and people. Over the years, mama and I have changed and stayed the same.



Judy left.
On the most beautiful day of this fall. The sky was cloudless and blue. The breeze brought scents of leaves. The air was fresh after two days of rain. The sun was bright and warm.

I met Judy when I was eleven. We were about the same height so we sat in the last row of the desks in the classroom. But how did we become close friends? I cannot recall. I think I was admiring her beauty.
She carried herself so elegantly confident even at the age of eleven. She always stood and sat straight. She smiled, lowering her head. She pronounced perfect clear Mandarin, and I believed she would become a news anchor on TV. She was always polite in words and in action. All these qualities distanced herself from most of the teenagers in school but attracted teachers' attention as well as mine.
I wanted to be like her or to be her.

A year later, she left to another junior high. One year after high school, she moved to the States. After college years, she moved to London. Two and half years ago, she moved to New York. And we met again. Two days ago, she left New York.
Like seasons, she has been in and out of my life, at the same time stayed in my life.
Her beauty has remained. Now she still carries herself confident, elegant, and polite. She now also speak British-American English. I wish she would not become a news anchor on TV in Taiwan for she is capable to be something better.

Over the years, I have had been over the crush on her and admired other people serving as my models. I have grown to be myself. Over the years, finally we both experienced unbearable domestic situations, got hearts broken, got hurt, felt love, and more. We both stand on our own feet and move forward fiercely while remembering how to breathe.
I wish she becomes a superstar with a stronger heart. And be well and happy.


~HAPPY BELATED HALLOWEEN~

Halloween 2009

隱私

隔壁桌坐了一對男女，女的在問男的要怎麼改寫她的履歷表和教學理念，很顯然的她正在申請大學教職，她的專長在伊朗和印度電影，男的專長在怎麼用寫作來突顯這女的專長。

一開始男的在解釋履歷分兩種，一種是學術界的長長履歷，越多頁表示資歷越多或是成就越多。一種是寫給業界的，越簡要越好，重點在怎麼把突顯自己有多麼適合應徵的職務。他說他在研究所的修過一門寫履歷的課。

我差點把咖啡噴出來。先生，你哪裡畢業的？居然有開專門寫履歷的課，太坑學分費了吧。

女的一面點頭一面寫筆記。然後開始解釋教學理念，她想要開一門討論伊朗或是印度電影的課，她講的不清不楚，似乎對自己想要敎什麼並沒有完全的把握，不之所以然的重覆著「是啊，你知道的，就是藉由電影表現當地的文化。你知道的。」

you know 是普遍的口頭禪，表示說話的人其實不太知道怎麼表達。You know.

男的很專業的跟她說「文化」包含的意義和範疇太廣，這個表現不出她的專才，要再更明確一點。他問她能不能闡述印度電影的特色，她開始長篇大論，她講到一個段落，男的換句話說把她剛剛說的話轉成漂亮的用詞遣字，男的一邊說女的一邊抄寫。女的寫完，一個字一個字唸出她寫的段落，男的再加以修改。女的對伊朗電影的教學理念也用同樣的模式變成筆記本上的墨印。

前前後後三個小時，我聽得一清二楚，我說我快聽不下去了，那男的聲音好討厭，那女的怎麼一副笨蛋樣卻要當教授。
我以為當女的收起筆記本，他們也該離開了。並沒有，開始閒聊天氣，男的說這季節很容易生病，例如他得了H1N1 (aka "swine flu")，他說他已經痊癒了，他說他的症狀沒有發燒卻是喉嚨很痛。
我立刻跟班比說我們該遠離這裏了。

我常常覺得當隔壁桌的聽到我跟班比只用中文對話的時候，他們的音調就會提得更高，似乎認為我們這兩個異鄉人一定會讓出英文的對話空間給他們使用。他們在想什麼啊？在美國，只有美國人只會一種語言。

我跟班比常常評論隔壁桌的對話，然後猜測對話的兩個人是什麼關係，還有我們喜歡他們的程度。我們的悄悄話一點也不需要掩飾，可以很刻薄很直接，訓練我們一定要用中文表達一些字眼或是概念，否則隔壁桌會設下心防越講越小聲，那麼我們去咖啡廳和熱門餐廳的樂趣就會減低了。

前幾天，我們在法拉盛的一家以小籠湯包聞名的餐館，高朋滿座而且九成華人，食客都很有禮貌的維持自己的聲量，我們也不會說人是非，畢竟那場子裡中英文都可以通的。後來進來一男一女，女的說「要快的，我們要開會呢」，男的就跟夥計說「來籠湯包」，夥計說湯包要等，女的就說「不能等，我們趕時間」，夥計說「要快，麵最快」，女的瞄了我們的桌子一眼問：「他們吃那什麼麵？那什麼餅？」於是整家店都知道我們吃什麼麵什麼餅。
終於他們決定了要點什麼菜，我跟班比翻了翻眼，那男的手機嘹亮的響了起來，他接起來就吼「喂！做什麼？吃飯啊。在餐館。怎麼樣？等一下開會呢，是啊」
班比小聲跟我說：「中文比英文更難防堵，一定聽得到聽得懂。」我把聲音放亮了說：「要不要我打電話給你，然後我們兩個就面對面用手機說話，因為隔壁的太大聲了。」
我不確定那對男女有沒有聽見，我只知道當他們的麵上桌的時候，女的說「不說話不說話了，趕緊吃吧。」

隱私是相對的，你哭你的，我大聲嚷嚷我的，你談你的情，我繼續講我的手機，你閒話你的，我聽我的。沒有人在分享，沒有人說不準偷聽。沒有人說陌生人不能加入。

job interviews

Do they seriously want to get this job?
Do they know that there are certain things you do not say or do in a job interview?

One guy sported his hair long, so long that it covered his eyes sometimes. He walked not just with his back hunched, but also with arms hanging as if he neglected them and let them dangle to all directions. Hm... Excuse me? We are in a Research Center, working closely with hospital staff and patients. We're not hiring an artist (even an artist should show me some respect in a job interview).

Another person had his first question on the salary rate. He also chose not to tell me that he had been accepted to a medical school next year. This information was leaked from his reference contacts. Well... asking salary in the first encounter is so not recommended. And it is bad that I found out something which could have been told directly from the applicant.

Another applicant literally used the f word in the conversation with my boss.

One lady shook hands with zero grip force as if I was holding a weightless patient who would die in the next minute. Hello? Are you so scared or nervous? Stand straight and play it as you mean it! Don't run away before I say "nice meeting you and goodbye".

A person's writing samples were lack of titles, headers, references, or anything close to a standard writing format such as APA. Hey... this is not acceptable. Please take care each detail before submitting anything for job application.

I thought how to behave in a job interview followed rules of common senses.
You pay attention to your interviewer. You look directly into her eyes. You nod. You smile. You say thankyou often. You shake hands firmly. You ask questions. You initiate conversations leading her to talk. You, actually, should be a listener, and only talk when necessary. When talking, you say everything as if you are the expert: concise, appropriate, to the point, and importantly, humble.
You have to perform all these especially if you have not much working experience at all in the field that you want to work.
You smile. You nod.

The worst applicant I have ever encountered was a Clinical Psychologist, applying for the fellowship. He gave a job talk that contained no contents. He only had 5 slides including the title page, which in fact did not bear a title of his "talk". The first slide he presented his name and the location of his presentation, which everyone knew was the Research Center. So the topic was himself or the Research Center?
It turned out the topic was himself because he spent 15 minutes saying how good he was as a clinician and a researcher while providing no evidence. "Oh, I am very good at stats. I didn't bring the data today, but I participated in this and that studies, meaning I am very good. Trust me. I am good."
When asked to describe his research projects, he avoided the question but kept saying his rich experience in data analysis and how nerdy he could be to finish work at home while raising his young children.
I had only one question to him: Do you know what a job talk should be like? But I didn't ask. He was not hired.

I am receiving more applications for the RA positions. Some applicants live far away. I don't understand why anyone would like to relocate to another state for an entry-level job. Perhaps the job market is actually this bad. Other applicants have no clue about the Research Center and think they can work here without a driver's license.
As I interviewed more applicants, I found myself filtering CVs with criteria on school name, major, and school performance. Yes, records do matter. How am I supposed to guess if you are a good candidate? I guess based on your records. If I cannot make a decision based on my guess, I invite you for an interview.
Two applicants I met were from the same school, the same program. What a lesson, I thought after I met them, and the lession is I will not interview any of grads from that program any time soon.

Yesterday, I was waiting in my office. The applicant was 15-minute late for her appointment. I would give her 5 more minutes and delete her name from my record. As if on cue, my phone rang. The receptionist informed me that this young lady was actually here on time, but she was busy receiving other visitors' registration and let the applicant wait for 15 minutes. I suddenly had a good feeling about this candidate, who was able to have a stranger apologize for her.
I walked over to pick her up. She slowly turned her head while hearing the approaching sound of my heels knocking the floor. "Dr. C?" She has the most innocent eyes. I smiled and offered my hand, "Hi! I am Pei." She immediately stood up, shaking my hands, smiling, with her eyes smiling as well, "Hi! I'm a person whose eyes can smile." No, she did not say that. But I can't reveal her real name here.
Smiley-eye had me at that moment.
She paid attention to her interviewer, me. She looked directly into my eyes. She nodded. She smiled. She said thankyou often. She shook hands firmly. She initiated conversations leading me to talk. When asked with questions, she answered calmly, consicely, and appropriately. She sat at the first half of the chair with her back straight. She smiled. She nodded.
Even though she did not have much experience in working with clinical populations, I feel that she would become very good at it. Patients would love her.
RAs and Jenny then met her, and liked her very much. So I told her at the end of the interview that we decided to invite her back for the second interview. Her eyes smiled again.

First impression does matter.
Since long time ago, Mama has told me that beauty matters. Beauty can be presented in many ways. Being confident and neat and respectful actually brings impression of being beautiful. People like seeing beautiful people. If you offer something attractive at the first sight, the chance of getting being known and liked is much higher.

You, before examinig yourself, don't complain that the market is tough and you cannot get a job. Behave and be prepared like you really want the job.

tango lesson 101

Colgada demo by Daniela Pucci and Luis Bianchi

I feel differently about my body and about how to connect my body to another body in tango. This difference did not come from deliberate changes or conscious modifications to my dancing skills. It just came as time goes. Tango does not like yoga. Yoga requires daily or at least very frequent practices (e.g., 3 days a week, 1.5 hr a day) to feel improvement of the body change, which is very subtle and very rewarding, so rewarding that I could smile in the process of getting into a posture.

Tango is not like yoga, although I have previously acknowledged the similarity between the two. In the current stage of my tango career, I found that tango needs time to sink into the center of each muscle fiber and reach the holistic structure of bones and tendons, both of which finely controlled effortlessly but mindfully. Thus, taking a break of a couple weeks does not reduce the dancing sensibility. Actually sometimes my dances were better after a break from the tango for weeks. I thought about tango, watched tango, imagined how to tango, and suddenly I got rid of bad habits after a break. The result is a better dancer of me. I am able to walk onto the dance floor once a week to start a good practice and induce two good smiles, and my body learns.

What my body has learned opens my mind. After many tango workshops, festivals, milongas, practicas, etc., now when I see a good dancer or a great pair of dancers, I know I can definitely reach their levels and be fully comfortable with my body led by a leader to do all possibilities.

Tango dance floors are cruel. Yes, many dancers are judgmental because we all want to have fun. But some dancers care too much about the forms and the way how to get into certain movements. Hey! This is not the international ballroom tango. This is social dance tango! Tango is NOT yoga, in which postures need to be done in certain ways. Tango is about trust, confidence, and great fun. Being creative is one major major reason that I keep on tangoing for years.

See the video at the beginning of this post? They are having fun, creating various movements with one principal topic: colgada -- sharing axis. This is all about trust, confidence, and great fun. They try to teach how to be relaxed and to have fun.

I was in their workshop last weekend of the Princeton tango festival. Luis was quite a character with superb humor and playfulness. I found many young male teachers this way. They make tango floors like a play ground with genuine laughter. I was in fact very surprised by Daniela. Being a tango dancer for almost 5 years, I found workshops more targeting toward leaders and much less toward followers. Daniela was a great follower teacher! Being sensitive is already an established ability in me as a tango dancer. But to respond to a lead with a precise muscle control or "not to control" is something that I have not mastered. Daniela would walk over and adjust me like a yoga teacher, "this muscle, not that one. very good. breathe. nice. feel it?" And I would smile and know I can do it.

Some people just don't get it. They are frustrated and convinced that they cannot do certain moves. So they push themselves too hard on a tiny thing. So they push their partners into a position. Oh, I hate leaders who push me. All followers are judgmental about pushy leaders. Oh, you have to have confidence in yourself and relax and have fun and try again and have fun and smile. Possibilities exist. You just need to reveal them with an open mind and body. AND allow the other body to share this fun.

Or find a good teacher who can open your mind and thus your body.

hopeless

An Indian friend recommended a movie for me. I watched it and felt not very hopeful. Not very hopeful for Indian women or Indians in general.

I have never seen a Bollywood film, so I can't say that I understand the main stream Indian movies or the main stream culture of India in any sense.
Actually, the number of Indian movies I saw or watched is single-digit-ly three:
Several years ago, I saw The Journey (Sancharram). A year ago I saw Slumdog Millionaire (does this one count as an Indian film?). A week ago, I watched Water.
They all successfully delivered a clear message: With such visually pleasant spirit-lifting colors mixed in daily lives, India has had significant social problems that are so unpleasant and heart-sinking.

The Journey tells a story of two girls who cannot be together because being homosexual is not accepted and because getting married by parents' arrangement is demanded.

Slumdog Millionaire tells a story of a boy (and his brother and his love) who comes at the bottom of the social economic system and unbelievably (thus got beaten up) wins the biggest price on TV.

Water tells a story of widows who are locked in their world deliberately by the entire society based on a religious textbook that is, of course, written by a human not a God.

If I were an Indian, what would happen to me?
I would an advocate for homosexuals because I am an advocate for any subgroups of humans who are underrepresented for the benefits of those who are overly awarded for their ignorance.

I would not be involved in an arranged marriage because I may not even be involved in a marriage at all. If I want to, it will be my choice, not for the superficial good of a family, or of a name, or of simply I myself being a woman.

I would not win any price on TV. Um..... because I just do not do well with luck or TV.

I would not believe in any religious textbooks. Organized religious groups following some ancient texts word by word simply creep me out. Humans are not sheep. We may follow but we also think. However, many people are too lazy to think but just follow as if they were actually grass-eating without taste. Regulations should be guidance toward the spiritual core, and should not ban human natures such as food, sex, love, pursuing knowledge, or questioning authority. So locking me up for my never-met husband's death would definitely set me on fire.

Therefore, India would not allow my existence on their land. They would say that I am a bad influence and that I have an evil mind and that I shall feel shameful.
In conclusion, India would feel so lucky that I am in fact not an Indian. Hence, those hypothetical statements are just hypothetical. Nothing to worry about. They can keep their conservative bullying attitudes toward women, low-social class men, and homosexuals. They will never recognize the Museum of Sex in Manhattan. They will still welcome tourists (one day I may be one of them) there for yoga and spiritual trips. They are not worried about me at all.

See? That's why I felt not so hopeful after watching Water. I cannot do anything about it if it is true that there are currently 11 million widows always wearing white, isolated, and living in widow houses for their rest of lives. Hopeless.
Only Indian men, rich Indian men, rich religious well-educated Indian men can overturn this thing. Who the hell am I?

台中代表

君開了一個部落格，叫做從台北到台南的台中人。
我們六個女生不知從何時開始一起行動，在台北到處跑，偶爾跑到外縣市，跑到台中的比例還滿高的。青是澎湖人，很難常常去她家坐坐，大學畢業前夕去坐了一個禮拜，她結婚那個禮拜也去作客，拍了幾千張照片，年輕歲月裡就有了滿眼是藍色的紀錄，還有連續吃九餐大餐的紀錄。
台灣本島的代表：攸和大欣是新竹人，小星是高雄人，我反而都沒去坐過。錯過小星的婚禮是可惜了，誰叫我莫名奇妙的追什麼學術夢，追得窮困潦倒，John Palmer 有一次說：可以過得比 Scientists 窮困潦倒而且更有自欺欺人的自信的，就只有 Artists。 ...怎麼忽然間抱怨起來...
不過大家都有來我家坐過，大安區真的是好地方啊，去哪裡都方便。但是我大學時還是選擇住校。雖然說當時我決定非台北的學校不讀，也決定怎麼樣都不重考，更決定選系不選校，於是隔壁鄰居台大師大都招不到我，我偏偏跑到北投去唸北榮後山的陽明。
在陽明住校沒有摩托車等於沒有行動能力，但是剛入學的胚未滿十八，沒有駕照沒有車，就只好依靠室友君。
當時另一個室友小星也未滿十八，卻天天騎著機車到處跑，據說她高中就開始騎車了，高雄的警力果然不比台北。不過小星每天下課後就跑不見，也沒照顧我，所以我就跟君熟起來了。

君愛到處找吃的。
她有一張很大的台北地圖，在上面畫地標，她對台北的東南西北跟我會背九九乘法表一樣厲害。按照 bbs 美食版的推薦，她找遍台北，吃遍台北。有一陣子她還帶著即可拍去拍店家的門口和廁所，收集在一本附著筆記的本子裡。
重點是她會好東西跟好朋友分享，因為她跟我分享，所以她變成我的好朋友。
她分享的方式是去買好多份回來給大家吃，我吃到好多我沒有吃過的台北食物，像是延平北路三段的大大熱熱沾滿花生粉的麻糬，還有天母吃吃看的波士頓派，還有我有生以來第一次吃到道地的 bagel--來自重慶南路一段的馬可孛羅麵包坊，而且君一次買了好多種不同口味的 cream cheese。
如果她回台中探親，回台北的時候也會帶台中的好東西回來，例如薔薇派，或是似乎哪裡都買得到但是就是台中才有那等美味的小吃，例如鴨舌頭之類的滷味。

大概從認識君開始，只要是可以把我餵得開心的，都很快納入我的好朋友圈圈裡。
沒想到認識君已經超過十年了，她依然沒有改變找美食的好習慣，每次我回台北，都可以受惠於她對食物的熱誠。今年夏天她帶我們在台中吃到了超級讚的瑪露連嫩仙草芋Ｑ，在台北突然間爆多分店的派克雞排，也很慣例性的試了幾家台北東區的歐式下午茶。我必須要說台北的美式早午餐真的很不美式。

所以我不能默默的把她的部落格就加在胚的頁右欄裡，要好好的推薦一下，從台北到台南的台中人記錄了很多好吃的地方喔。
君辭去了外商公司的好職位，很勇敢的搬到台南去了，就為了讓人生多點變化調整一下方向。
小星也在調整方向。
Jason 說要走，希望走成了。
大家都在喬一喬自己的定位，瞧瞧前面看看四周，希望一切還未定，希望一切還有未來，希望我們都還夠年輕夠勇敢夠有本錢往前衝衝看（或是停下來一陣子不要衝了）。
今年，我這個世代的小朋友們都在深呼吸抿抿嘴的要長大，我們終於要擺脫年輕不懂事的二十，全部擠身三十，於是可以微笑的嘲笑的那些二十幾歲的小朋友：哎呀，你們年輕不懂事。
我們不用再堅持那些二十出頭時候立下的目標，因為我們已經用青春換來可貴的教訓和可愛的回憶，現在我們可以有經驗的立其他目標，穩穩的往前跑向成家立業結婚生子升官發財，或是跑向更好好吃好好玩的下一個十年。
...青春期正在更新、無限延伸當中... 當了媽媽當了上司換了幾個工作的我們依然還是小朋友，不過就是知道自己是什麼、能作得到什麼、能擔多少風險的小朋友。
於是待了十幾年台北的台中人可以去台南定居。
我的下一步是什麼？

drawing taiwan

For people who don't understand Chinese,

Please simply enjoy the image and the amazing skill of two hands on a plate of sand.
The artist's first writing was "Taipei Zoo" in Chinese.
The last writing was movingly breathtaking. It was "Taiwan", contoured with the shape of the Taiwan island.

I realized how much I love Taiwan during the first month of my moving to the US. Over the years, I have loved it even more because of its goodness and badness. Every time I went back, I had wonderful trips to various countrysides, where the natural views are unique and unbeatable, or the local people show how diverse our populations are within this 13,972 sq mi land (23,100,000 people). I may not get my favorite steak, pancake, Korean food, beer, or baklava there, but the quality and quantity of Taiwan fruits and tea and snacks and night markets can only be won over by the even improved Taiwan in a near future.

The mission of living away from Taiwan is to tell the world how wonderful Taiwan is. It is wonderful as a group of people, as an entity of political democracy, as a congregation of warm hearts, and as my home country.
Of course, each country has its own shits that never end and never can be entirely dissolved. It's like humans that can never be perfect but the nature is good. Many, including me, have complained Taiwanese tend to use the heart than the brain to deal with everything. However, because of the heart, Taiwan runs on systems of benevolence, great for average well-behaviored residents and visitors.

Welcome to Taiwan, if you go. Taipei is especially English friendly. As to other places, everyone will be friendly to you.

hub cap

What can you do with a hub cap?
Toss it around as a Frisbee? Cover your head from the rain? Sale it on eBay?


One of Bungbung’s hub caps was gone early last year because of the terrible road condition. I replaced it with $75. In five minutes after leaving the body shop, the cap popped out and vanished again because the terrible road condition. Therefore, I decided never to replace it until I can afford a brand new steel wheel rim to prevent this happening so often.
Front wheels tend to hit potholes more frequently then back wheels, and I had actually replaced front hub caps at least five times since I bought Bungbung.
Anyway, Bungbung wore three shoes since last year. I like to refer my car and its parts with humanized terms.

Early this morning, it rained very hard. With the sound of rain, I dreamed that the windshield wipers were broken, and that I had to call the day off because driving without clear vision was very dangerous. I woke up immediately and felt relieved that it was just a dream.
It was still raining when I walked to Bungbung. He looked different than usual, I found. Oh damn! All the remaining three caps were gone. The rims were fine, indicating that I did not lose them last evening when driving back home on the notoriously pothole-scattering routes, NJ-7 and NJ-139. Apparently, the thief manually took them off without using any tool to damage the rims. Which actually has been a problem: hub caps are very easy to take off. But still, one must not take them off without my permission.

What the …? If you’ve seen people this morning in Hoboken working on a VW Beetle, or if you’ve seen people covering their head with hub caps from the rain this morning, or if you see people toss a VW hub cap as a Frisbee, please oh please yell “SHAME ON YOU!” at them. And please contact me.

Naureen suggested me file a claim to my insurance company. No way. My insurance rate has soared so high after the incidence in December 2007. Any claim will lead to my bankruptcy due to an unaffordable automobile insurance.
For now, I won’t even buy new caps for Bungbung. I will wait until I can afford a parking space in a garage. Why should I provide more hub caps for thieves to sale on eBay while I don’t get any compensation? Ha, guess who is selling used hub caps?

Shame on you, thief!

President Ma

Mama told me that there are lots of voices asking President Ma to resign because of the natural disaster on the Father's Day. She said that even CNN has reported greatly on this issue. She felt shameful that Taiwan's President is making a joke internationally.

First of all, CNN does not represent international news. It is sad that Taiwan takes CNN as the main source of international news. It simply represents a voice from America. It is also sad that CNN's coverage seems to have greater effects than any local news channels in Taiwan. With more than five news channels running repeated news 24/7, viewers believe if CNN covers something, the something must be what CNN tells you what something should be. It is very sad that people believe what a news channel wants them to believe.

Second of all, I doubt if there is more than 30% of Americans watching news at all. Of these people, probably 30% of them watch CNN. Kimberly watches CNN every day, but she did not know anything about Taiwan's debate on President Ma until I told her over today's dinner. Therefore, I do not believe that a few pieces of foreign coverages on Taiwan by CNN have made Taiwan an international joke. As Kim put it honestly, Americans are very self-absorbed and they have many many issues in their own countries these days. No one would care about Taiwan or whether President Ma should resign. After Hurricane Katrina in 2005, President Bush, who did a little more than nothing, still held his position until last year. Katrina caused countless people lost their home, and was one of the deadliest natural disaster in American history. But no one asked the stupid Bush to get out of his office. Therefore, a poll conducted by CNN saying President Ma should leave is simply a media-biased viewer-catching technique. Americans do not care who is the President of a country other than their own, Kim said.

Third, I felt worried that Mama allows the TV on and watches news more than once every day. It is so not necessary. Taiwan is such a small place, and much news "shown" on TV is not worth a viewer's time. It just makes people think that Taiwan is a trouble-making island, and everything is out of order, and one should live in fear.

President Ma and officers related to rescue and recovery for the Typhoon did need to take responsibilities. They should apologize to the people, which they did. They should start to learn how to speak politically encouraging as if they are experts in public relation, which they have great space for improvement. They should understand that they are dealing with people who have rights to vote, and psychology is a much useful subject to master than bureaucracy. Making people happy and providing a sense of security to people will earn more trust than governing the country silently with little communication (or advertisement).

So You Wanna See TOUGH?

Oh my... idiots...
so so so funny

partner assessment

Superstar likes to say “the world does not exist once I die.” For him, the world is entirely dependent on his mind; the truth is what he perceives; the action is all in his head. Or put it the other way: the world is mind-dependent.

First, I find it personally disturbing. It is upsetting information that he believes that I do not exist when all his sensory and memory systems get turned off. Let me hope that I am in his mind, so that I will exist again when he thinks of me. While he does not think of me, I will dissolve into the nothingness.

Second, as a scientific theorist, I do not buy his theoretical belief. For me, the world is independent from my mind. My mind simply represents the world. When I die, the earth will keep revolving around the sun, but I can no longer know about it because the representational system – mind – has stopped functioning. That is, his existence has nothing to do with my existence. While I do not think of him, he will not dissolve into the nothingness, but it means that I simply have no currently active representation of him.

See the huge obstacle in our relationship? We are cognitive psychologists holding very different theories of mind. He is a self-absorbed carefree player, and I am an individualizing observant enthusiast.

He does not care about issues that have bothered me for the greater good of our planet and the human race, both of which will disappear once he dies anyway. He uses energy saving appliances and re-uses all kinds of materials because he is by nature a Hakka. He keeps glass bottles and cans for his collection of wine bottles and coke cans. He eats junk food because he can never get fat and is very convinced that he’s perfectly healthy.

However, everyone loves Superstar. The compliments I have received about him from my friends include adjectives such as loving, caring, warm, sensitive, sensible, and down-to-earth. People are telling me that he is a great find and definitely a keeper as if I myself had done a wonderful job involving him in my life. Is it true that I am the only person in the world could actually feel his aloofness?
His aloofness is all about his happiness. He has no worries at present. He has no shadows from the past. He has no anxiety about the future.
He is, in a word, abnormal.

Nat once asked me why I never dated someone normal. I would like to ask her the same question.
Perhaps Superstar is indeed as normal as a boy his age/his background can be, but I believe he is not, so that I can perfectly convince myself to be with him as often as I want to.
I am, too, abnormal.
For him, perhaps I am as normal as a girl my age/my background can be, and he believe I am, so that he can perfectly convince himself to be with me as often as he wants to.

See another obstacle between him and I? I believe he is abnormal so I think I would never quite understand him, which is totally fine with me. All I want is to be happy with him and to make him happy with me. Love is simple.
However, he believes I am normal so he thinks he should be able to understand or has already understood me, which if not successful, would be totally a disaster for him. All he wants is to be happy with me and to make me happy with him. Love is simply complicated.
As a result, I appear light-headed and detached, and he appears understanding and loving.

I would now conclude with a shrug. He would want much more clarified arguments on his assessment. But this is my blog. I have the final say or shrug. He doesn't care things not existing in his head, and he is abnormal. Fine, he is loving, caring, warm, sensitive, sensible, and down-to-earth. Whatever. End of discussion.

續，雨裡

下班前，Naureen沒趕回辦公室，她出車禍了。人沒事，打個電話來報平安。
她出車禍的路段就是我昨天提到的地方，而這路段今天可是誇張的大塞車，雙向都有車禍之外，從進紐約的兩個隧道 口回堵十幾英哩，天氣又灰灰陰陰悶悶燥燥的，人就是很難爽快。不開冷氣的話，四周廢氣的熱弄得窗外起霧，開冷氣的話，我的手又容易冰冷。停比走的時間多，我就狂抹乳液護手。

塞了一個多小時慢慢的過了最擁擠的幾個路段之後，天早已經陰的不耐煩了，四周突然整個變白，像是下過大風雪一般，我除了只看到正前方的車燈外，就是慘白的背景，建築物和路樹都不見了，橫在我和慘白背景之間的是水幕，這回可以是我第一次使用雨刷的最高速，卻也刷不盡雨水，敢不上洩洪般的雨量，從未在雨天開車這麼害怕過，像是在下大雪的夜裡開車一樣神經緊繃，所有車都放慢速度，都不敢切換車道，有秩序到了極點。真的是超車誠可貴，車險價更高。出一次車禍的代價就是三年的昂貴汽車保險。

快到家的時候就是接近哈德遜河的時候，風速之急，雨注全是橫向的打，路樹街燈搖搖晃晃不說，停在我正前方的等紅燈的休旅車也被水平打擊的雨撞得搖搖晃晃，我踩緊煞車握緊方向盤，希望寄託在幫幫厚重的底盤。
然後連續看到兩條閃電垂直落進河的方向，我身子不由自主的往心裡縮，立刻回想起一年多前恐怖的愛荷華之旅，同樣也是雷電交加的大雨，而經驗不代表不會被雷聲嚇到，不代表會喜歡在風雨裡開車，我總是覺得我就是會這麼不幸的遇到許多不幸。然後我就要很理性的告訴我自己：要理性啊！

我家有兩處天花板可以直直望到天空，我抬著頭確定沒有再繼續落雨，決定去河邊散步，空氣很清，曼哈頓看來更亮眼。
這就是我一直在追尋的日子啊，可以想出門散步的時候就出門，出門散步的時候可以看到最美的夜景，尤其是在看完 Revolutionary Road之後，我很開心的說我正在過著我要的生活，框框還是有，但是框架並不輕易碰到我。

雨裡

早上幫幫涉水離開 Hoboken 的時候，新聞正在播報著昨晚的大雷雨殺掉六七個人。
一個開著休旅車的媽媽載著兩個小孩和兩三個小孩的表兄弟姐妹，因為雨勢太大沒看清路標而飆上對向的高速公路，當場跟來車迎頭對撞，只有一個小朋友生還。
一個大雷劈在一個大樹，大樹下剛跑去躲雨的人當場身亡。
兩個朋友躲著去躲雨，其中一個跑到一半被雷劈死。

我心有餘悸的緊緊抓住方向盤，雖然早上的天已經放晴，但是路面積水不退，前面的車要是突然拋錨停下來或是打滑來個不預警的大轉身，那前幾天剛花了我五百多塊進場保養的幫幫可就遭殃了。

我的涼鞋還是溼答答的掛在鞋架上，都是昨天傍晚的一場臨時大雷雨害的，背包和衣服都淋濕了，小小一把折疊傘只是勉強保住我跟班比的頭髮、他的超小 Asus Eee 筆電、我新買的 David Sedaris 和另一本小說、我們的舞鞋和不停尖叫的喉嚨。
所有的路人都跑進地鐵站躲雨，或叫或笑，拍照傳短訊，滴滴答答的地鐵站即刻成為充滿以 oh 為起始句的避風港景點。oh my god, oh shoot, oh look at me, oh grist, oh i am trapped here, oh what the, oh ...

半個小時左右，雨過天晴，地上物都異常乾淨，連雲都特別白亮的感覺，路面上的水漥也清可見底，若是真有傳說中的鱷魚在紐約地下水生活著，現在應該也願意出來透透氣。
跟台灣來的朋友吃完「一風堂」拉麵，三個男生跟著我回到 Hoboken 去看夜景，出了地鐵十五分鐘之後又開始狂風暴雨，我從家裡趕著要去河邊拯救那些男生的計畫也被吹亂：自以為雙手緊握硬骨大傘可以走過幾條街，結果風向一直變，風速一直增強，裙子頭髮亂飛，傘面翻爆，傘骨也跟著反方向翻轉，卻把傘面撐成半圓，我像是拿著一朵超大號黑色鬱金香在雨裡飄，一捲風由下往上灌過風衣，風衣和群擺也企圖一起向天盛開，一急之下我用一隻手阻擋，傘面就在此時離開傘骨，我也跑進騎樓裡，張著嘴看著越來越瘋狂的天氣。
班比說他們在河邊看著雷電不停的劃過紐約上空，莫名奇妙的趕上自然界的煙火秀。溼答答的我只想沖個熱水澡。

今天下班回家的時候，風雨早已過，但是路面積水還是很嚴重，幫幫又不是吉普車，只能慢慢的涉水，交通走走停停，三台車子在平常就已經險象環生的交叉路段追撞，一台休旅車甚至滑到整個面向車流。
這所謂交叉路段是我在賓州生活的時候沒有辦法想像的，Ａ公路交流道接進Ｂ公路的同時，Ｂ公路往外接市區道路，通通都在同一條車道上，Ａ來Ｂ的人要加速插進Ｂ的車流，要從Ｂ出去的人卻要減速才能出公路，同時要跟剛進Ｂ的車子爭車道。這個車禍就發生在Ａ接進Ｂ之後，Ｂ在一英哩內又要接進Ｃ，而就在同一條車道Ｂ又可以轉進Ａ，這樣還不夠複雜，路標都是在即將快要Ａ變Ｂ變Ｃ變Ａ的時候才出現，所以一個失神或是一個眨眼，就會錯過出口入口然後被迫飆離目的地。我第一次開車從賓州進紐約的時候就是在這裡迷的路，事隔六年我已經是老油條一個，也不敢小看這個路口。
撞到遠遠的面向車流的駕駛是個小姐，她的車看起來是沒事，但她一定要去收個驚的。可惡的紐澤西！

停了車就要走到家的時候，雨又開始下，雨越來越大，奇怪，太陽也越來越大，我家方向的人聲也越來越大。路邊停滿了採訪車，抗議人潮聚集在我家對面的市政府，雨勢擋不住大家的怒火。我才想起上個禮拜四上班途中聽到的新聞：天一亮，FBI 派員三百多人抓了四十幾個涉嫌行賄洗錢的地方官和猶太牧師，其中一個地方官是 Hoboken 的市長。這市長在被抓當天就被保出來，還回到市政府照常上班想洗刷自己的罪名。這個三十二歲的市長才在位子上坐了二十幾天，怎麼可能在大家「辭職」的叫吼聲離開呢。這些官員和抗議民眾的把戲實在不夠成熟，也不學學台灣，去參考一下新聞要怎麼製造這戲才會好看。
我呢，回家躲雨吃西瓜。啊，天氣這麼潮濕怎麼還是口乾舌燥？西瓜真是聖品。
吃掉四分之一個西瓜，雨也停了。

eternal and spotless

You either get moved or entertained by a movie; otherwise, the movie is worthless to you. Since the beginning of the cable-TV era, I have watched same movies repeatedly because of the simple reaosn that they were played repeatedly on TV. Mama tried to stop me from watching same movies but gave up because she found herself watching same movies repeatedly too. Why is it hard to drag ourselves away from the TV, from a movie that we have watched again and again? One reason is that this is a moving or entertaining movie. It is like a good book making you read again and again until you can repeat every line. For example, Stephen Chow's movies define my generation. His movie lines build the conversations and social interactions.

Without a TV cable subscription, it is much harder to watch same movies over and over again. So I bought DVDs. Tonight, I watched Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind. I saw it in the theater for the first time. I loved it, and bought the DVD. I watched it, and loved it and told people how I loved it. That was four years ago? Oh, gosh, time really can fly.
Watching it again tonight with my new TV reminded me how great this movie is, and new fondness was created; that is, I like it even more now. How clever the story is. How well the director made the cuts. How convincing the actors' mutual chemistry is. How precise each character's role is.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

~ Alexander Pope

Total acceptance is one essential component that characterizes or be the evidence of love. This was why I felt so moved and understood when walking out of the theater in 2004. Now thinking back... I cannot think much back. My memory is a blur. I went to see the movie with my housemate. I was single, not dating anyone or interested in anyone. The core of me was there, intact or innocent without much ruins.

Moving has cleaned up my collections in physical world and mental life. Things are re-organized. Thoughts are re-analyzed. I realized how unhealthy or depressing during the past two years of postdoc. Those years were not simply post-doc but post-PennState, post-school, and post-breakup. Living in South Orange forced me spending too much time with myself and memories, preventing me from moving on. When you have to constantly consciously tell yourself to move on, it is not a good sign, and it is damn hard to move on.

Just three weeks after moving, I feel refreshing and happier than ever. I ran by the river, looking at Manhattan, smiling to other runners, thinking nothing but focusing only on the sounds and views of my surroundings. I sat in my red couch, in my bed, on my bar stool, within the window-side corner, on the floor with or without the carpet. With almost everything new to me, I feel released from the past. Memory, thus, decades more rapidly. I am such a sad person, only recall upsetting memories.
If I were seeking help in the memory-erasing clinic, I would have huge breakdowns and provided them a brain map super easy to find. I am too focused.

Recently, many Taiwanese start using Facebook. A lot of my old classmates "friended" me. Some of them, I do not remember. If you and I have not contacted each other for so many years, the reason is simple: we did not connect and probably would not and should not. If the picture of you or the name of you cannot remind me of anything of you (i.e., you are not in my brain map of memory), I really don't know how Facebook will make us closer. But I added many "friends" nonetheless for the sake of social pressure. What the hell.
Many of them, I thought, had been erased by the perfect human system but some traces were left. A few traces trigger pieces of memory. Pieces of memory get connected. Boom, ah! you! how could I remember those details? But I do remember those details. Amazing. I am amazed by my mind.

Now I remember why I loved the movie even more after the second view than the first theater appreciation. This movie is a good application of cognitive/affective psychology. It should be a required film to watch for all psych major.

Moved and entertained, I am very satistied. This memory of feeling is eternal and spotless.

boom

The first baby came out a week ago. James’s Oliver was born. James sent out Oliver’s picture to us, who couldn’t help but o-ing to the cute little sleepy face.
For the new comer in the family, James got a 6-week leave according to the new policy just announced a month ago. However, James came to work today for some business that cannot be done by anyone else.
He and the next new parent Karen and us stood there, chatting about the delivery, labor, centimeters of dilation, breast feeding, excitement and physical fatigue.

“In a snap, I forgot who I was before last Friday. I am someone new, seeing Oliver and being a father and all. I never thought I would like to be father. But, it is awesome, just seeing my own son.”
Karen is due next Thursday, but Jenny and Naureen are more excited than her. Karen is cool and reminds me of Cathleen when she was pregnant.
After Karen, Cristin and Nancy are having babies too in the next two months.

Judy set a deadline with her partner.
“Don’t you feel this way? As a woman turning 30, I have started re-evaluate things around me and my expectations and goals. It’s not that we don’t love each other. We are so much in love, but love is not enough. I need my partner sharing a similar life goal with me. He did not think about it until I initiated the conversation. Finally he is building a career that I can see a future that is more practical than simple romance.”

Somehow, my mind was replaying Judy’s words while everyone was cheered by the baby boom in the Research Center.
“Wait until you have your own child.” Jenny kept saying this, and await my reply which usually is “I will wait.”
“How old are you?” Jenny asked, “When are you going to have a baby?” I prefer Judy’s company way much more.

Do I re-evaluate things as a woman turning 30?
I do not re-evaluate things according a round number of age. I have had my plan set at the age when I met Judy, which was eleven. Oh, I did have vision and an old soul back in junior high. However, my plan is not inclusionary: I would not have a boyfriend until 18. I would not get married until 30. I would not have a child until I get married. Perhaps I should develop some inclusionary goals for being a more positive human being.

I do re-evaluate things every time I climb a step in academia. Wanting to be a professor is, however, very different from wanting to build a life with someone who also wants to live a lifestyle in a big city. All my plans have been about me, just me, not one else involved. Mama is in my plans for “I will take care of her. I will move back to Taiwan when she needs close care. I will make her happy.” But it is different from having a plan to share my life with someone. I guess I need that someone to plan with me about our life together. I cannot just plan it by myself. So the question turns to looking for that special someone who is willing to plan with me.

“Never get knocked up.” A friend who fathered two kids with his ex-girlfriend advised me sincerely. However, I wonder, if everything was planned so well and going with the plan so well, how could he have arrived at this stage of life? How could he have comprehended so much of his trajectory? How could he have experienced those things defining who he is? How could he have even given me that advice?
I am a planner, following the planned path of being with myself. But a corner of my heart wishes for a yank from a strong man who finds me a great candidate to be his life partner. I wished A had asked me to stay. I wished B had invited me to go with him. I wished C had planned to come back to me. But all these ABCs were gone. They became phases of my life, instead of partners. Of course, no future could be projected.
The problem is that I never asked, invited, or planned. I let go.
I let go.
So no one stayed.

I saw Public Enemies last night. It was pretty heavy and upsetting from my point of view. The short-living romance and the determinate feeling from John to Billie were so powerful. Of course I am not waiting for a powerful criminal to repeatedly assure me that he will take care of me. I am waiting for the repeated assuring statement "I will take care of you. Listen, I will take care of you" which does come with action. Who is not waiting for this? Who is not looking for a compatible special someone who takes care of you and is taken care of by you?
It is so easy to say this to your parents or children. But it is so hard to say this to your lover. I have never promised a lover that I will take care of him. So no one promised me either? Is it why no one has yanked me out of my planned path toward full independence?
Will taking care of someone other than myself complete myself? Having a child is the last thing I will do to fulfill this completion.

Oliver is so so so cute. Smile cannot be hidden from James's tired face.
As a woman turning 30, my evaluation today is that I am not having a baby anytime soon. Love is not enough. We will find a way to make it more than enough.

心念到處轉

年初在台北的房間裡尋找一樣大概忽然出現在夢裡的東西：小時候我自己刻的藏書印。
大概找了十分鐘我就放棄了，大概是以為我還在作夢，大概不太確定那東西可以存活那麼久。

最近搬家整理著兩年前搬離賓州就應該要整理的箱子們，我看到了那個我很久以前拿來裝藏書印的零錢包，自己跟自己微笑道［原來你一直在我身邊啊］，也沒立刻打開，反正就是安心的確定了它的存在，它不會跑掉就在那邊等我去看看罷了，不需要急著去摸它一下。就像是我總是在科技大樓搭捷運，但是我沒去過科技大樓，反正要去總是隨時可以去啊，然後我就離開台北，每年回台北也沒想要去，反正要去總是每年都可以去啊。

過了兩個禮拜長日短眠的炎夏搬家適應新環境的身心寰宇大掃除，好不容易兩天前我可以閒閒沒有雜念的窩在新新的書茶小角落，翹著腳吹風曬太陽看書，心念一轉又想寫東西。
每年總是有幾個這樣的心念一轉，然後我就會開啟那堆了十幾個都是只有四五頁開頭的故事，然後可能再加一個文字檔，可能心念又轉走了，寫作之路又繼續無限延期。這回呢，我想如果我把形式都搞定，說不定我可以認真的看待這個寫作夢。

曾經我有個英文筆名 december，那麼中文筆名也來叫做十二月吧，嗯... 不是很喜歡。把十二月三個字拼一拼，拼成青，嗯... 當然不行啊，青的文字風格跟我的不一樣。還是胚吧。
那...

就在我那來那去東張西望的時候，我看到那個裝藏書印的零錢包，走過去盯著它幾分鐘，我居然發起呆來，發呆對我來說不是一件簡單自然的事情，通常必須要有高人引導或是疲累到一個限度。當我發現自己在發呆的那一瞬間，我拿起了那零錢包不再遲疑的打開它。

有兩個印章袋呢。一個是紅色絨布袋，一個是藍色運動褲布袋。
我知道藏書印是在藍色運動褲布袋裡，又是那種一看到記憶就會湧上的情況，那時為了高中美術課... 高中美術老師想要把大家都變成全能藝術家，我們從素描、水彩、國畫到雕塑都要會，還要會畫室內設計圖、背西洋藝術史、寫博物館參觀報告。藏書印就是我十四歲那年刻的，空前絕後，打了分數之後，我回家把國中的運動短褲剪一剪縫一縫變成印章袋... 這也是空前絕後的作品啊。
但那紅色絨布袋裡是什麼啊？
我先打開未知物的布袋，啊！是你啊！是大學時候去澎湖玩買的五花石，正楷刻了我的名字。澎湖故事妻的 T-shirt 是一直跟著我，偶爾還是會在家穿，但是這印章真的是在我的記憶裡迷路了，現在看到它感觸良多啊...

把兩個印章都洗刷一下，放在顯眼的地方，心念轉到眼底變得模模糊糊。

小星，帶個紅色印泥來給我吧！我立刻寫信給要來找我玩的姐妹。
書兒們即將要烙印了，跟留在台北的書一樣，會有那四個字，麻嗎告訴我的四個字：自在一生。

visibly uncomfortable

In 2006, the movie or semi-real documentary "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan" unexpectedly shocked and surprised everyone. I fell in love with this artist/actor/thinker Sacha Baron Cohen and crazily searched for all online videos about Borat and Sacha Cohen for several hours.

This year, the movie Bruno, whose original title, according to IMDb, was "Bruno: Delicious Journeys Through America for the Purpose of Making Heterosexual Males Visibly Uncomfortable in the Presence of a Gay Foreigner in a Mesh T-Shirt" is even better!


Borat and Bruno were the stimuli in these experiments of social psychology. People, the subjects, who were selected to be shown in these films, represent a significantly large proportion of the American world. Superficial politeness, political correctness, xenophobia, homophobia, and gender-based double standard on homosexuals are all good examples of the American phenomena.

After laughing so hard in the theater, the audience would think sadly about this country. Why are there people who have a lifetime goal of becoming a celebrity? Why are there parents using their babies as dollar-producing trees? Why do skinny stupid models deserve high pay? Why do people feel so uncomfortable with gay men but okay with lesbians? Why do gay men give the world the impression that they only care about physical stuff and ignore anything beyond? Why is hunting defined as a straight thing to do? Why is showing a penis so funny in movies?

Superstar said if the fighting scene were played by two girls, the whole male crowd would have got hard on, rather than throwing chairs onto the stage.
If the SM-binding scene were played by two girls, the guards would have reacted opposite way and never taken them to the police.

Sacha Cohen is successful because he makes audience discuss and think about his work after stepping out of the theater. I think about how he came up with these ideas of experiments. I think about how he conjured up the way to express all these ideas. I think about his influence does not need a peer-reviewed journal or tenure-track committee or a grant-review board to stamp approval. I think about how tiny I am in this world where I can mostly complain about things without doing anything to promote changes.
How come the whole experience turned out to be upsetting? It is visibly uncomfortable, as the original title suggested, although Bruno truly is a beautiful man.

moving

Moving is my current life.
I am moving from a small town to a bigger suburban city. I am moving from a cubicle to an office.

After a truck load (actually a full UHaul van) and a holiday of moving, I am going back to the old apartment everydayafter work for the past week to gradually take things to the new place. Two reasons for this tedious behavior: 1) I am not a professional or strong mover, and able to carry certain amount of stuff each time. 2) Bungbung is not a van.
The new place is awesome. Organizing it is painful. First of all, I need furniture to start the process of organization. The kitchen and closets are wonderfully equipped, but the bedroom and living room are poorly empty.
Because of my excellent taste, love-at-first-sight furniture is all expensive. Superstar has been guarding my bank account and constantly educating me how to save money by patiently looking in various stores. I have visited 2 Targets, 3 Bed, Bath, and Beyonds, 4 Home Depots, and several K-marts, Containers, local funiture/futon shops, etc. Each stores, I may have been there for more than twice for the past 10 days.
We could walk for 6 hours in a couple of stores but only bought 3 items. My legs and patience were running out of control.
Superstar cannot believe how difficult it could be to get the perfect trashcan for me. I cannot believe how difficult it could be to get the perfect bar stools, chest, TV stand, couch, rug, and window curtain. All is difficult because all has to meet the financial and personnally arty criteria for both of us.
At the end of the day, I cannot believe how much I care about Superstar's opinions on everything. If I were single, things could have been done in one day with my over-decisive careless personality, but my credit would have gone broken.

After over two months of the new position, entitled with a real office, I am still working in my cubicle.
I gave them time, hoping the office was set up after my trip to Taiwan. Apparently, they "thought" they ordered furniture, as the person in charge literally told me so as a seemingly acceptable explanation. I was confused. How can you "think" you ordered a desk? If you ordered it, you would have got a receipt or a confirmation number. Anyway, I was simply kindly asking the person to order it soon.
A month later, the desk arrived. But the room was a mess. The carpet was dirty. Junk from another lab was still occupying the room.
Two weeks later, the room was cleaned. But I could not move in because there was and still is no telephone, which is a very important and necessary device in an office. The person said he would order one for me.
I was afraid that he would only think about it but not do it, according to the previous furniture episode. Therefore, from time to time, I went ask our lab secretary, who evidentally had showed more trustworthy responses.
As my cubicle is exploding, and as my work really requires a bigger space, and as some stuff from my old apartment should be moved to the office, I have started moving things into the office. Finally, replying to my email today, the person said I may have a chance to move over next Wednesday.

At least, my arms and legs are getting stronger these days. But my back and shoulder hurt.
My patience may be trained better. Or my appearance of hiding my impatience has improved a lot.
I wish my sleep quality can get back to normal soon. I opened eyes at 6 am for three days after perfectly quiet nights (why I emphaze "quiet nights" will be explained in the future entry.) I don't want to naturally wake up before 7:30 am! I may have rapidly aged in two weeks.

Nonetheless, my dream of moving is to begin a new youth.
I wish this dream will come true. I know it is coming.

king has gone

I was there, October 1996, when MJ came to Taipei.
That was actually the second time, and the last time, in my memory when he toured to Taipei.
The first time was in my junior high years. I did not save enough money to go to his concert. One ticket asked for NT$ 4000 (about US$135), but I did not even have regular allowances.
A couple years later in 1996, he came again. I had went to senior high and started getting some hundreds per week from Mama. I did not tell Mama until several days before the concert. She was mad at me spending that much money on entertainment. I was like: this is my money, and it is not just some entertainment. It is Michael Jackson!
(Years later, I spent more on Michael Jordan because it was Michael Jordan!)

I was surprised to see her when waiting in line with my classmate (whose name I cannot recall and whose face I could hardly recall either) to get into the stadium for the concert.
Mama said she liked him too. She deserved to spending money. Yes, I smiled to the fact that she finally could not help but spending what she earned on what she deserved.

Looking at her ticket, oh my, she was sitting in the same area as me!
The night became a great night with Mama. Both of us screamed until our throats could not produce any sound. I sang with MJ, and Mama asked how come I knew the lyrics. I said I had listened to his History album everyday for months. My classmate somehow faded. I don't remember whether she enjoyed the concert or enjoyed her night with me. But I definitely enjoyed the night with Mama and her excited spirit. I loved Michael Jackson!

He died today.

demon and angel

Her name is Dr. Beth.
Since the first time I submitted an NIH grant application, I have called her and emailed her numerous times. My boss had highly recommended me to call her. My boss believes that NIH program officers like to talk to investigators. My boss believes that Dr. Beth is the most incredible program officer for investigators.
I don't know about that. I do know that Dr. Beth is one of the nicest persons in the world.
She always made me feel I was the smartest scientist or my application was the most fundable project.
She has the voice.

It's like picking a yoga class. No matter how good the teacher's skills or teaching techniques are, if he/she does not have the soothing voice that softens every conflict on the earth, I will abandon the class.
Dr. Beth has the voice. She would be a great yoga teacher if she left science.

My first interaction with her was through email.
Not only did she reply immediately, but she also tried to make an appointment for a conference call. If I left a message in her voice mail, she would definitely return my call within one business day.
I felt so important.

This project I had submitted twice, February 2008 being the first submission and November 2008 being the second. See how this process takes time?
My score got better the second time around. But the percentage priority did not seem to 100% ensure me that the project would definitely get funded.
In April, I called Dr. Beth. At that time, she was not my primary program office for this particular project. I asked if her institute was interested in my project. She read my proposal and said yes. I asked her my chance to get funded through her institute. She said the Obama administration gave lots of money to research this year and my project might get funded because of the stimulus fund. I asked if she could re-assign my project to her institute. She ran some internal paperwork and emailed me with a word "Done!"
So I waited.

Last Thursday the 11th was the day when the advice council took place to decide if my project was funded.
I checked a specific NIH website entire day, trying to get the news. However, the website was impossible to get on. Everyone who submitted an NIH proposal seemed to try to get on it.
On the next day, the situation did not change. But messages from NIH said that particular website was going through some serious unknown unsolved problems.
Oh... federal agencies....
So I waited.

After a weekend, I emailed Dr. Beth. My email bounced back immediately, saying she was out of office and would return on Wednesday.
So I waited.

On Wednesday morning, I received Dr. Beth's email, saying my project was not funded.
What? What a demon! How could she do this to me? She gave me hope and a couple months later kicked me down the hill.
My heart was broken. I asked for hugs from everyone in the lab. I could not pay attention in meetings. I forced myself to focus on manuscript writing. I went to bed early.
On Thursday, my big boss comforted me and suggested me to call Dr. Beth. I was like: what is the point to bother her again? Yeah.. she did not help passing my proposal, but it was not her job to make a guarantee. Big boss said that I should call her because she had given me hope that the payline was generous this year with Obama money.
I was convinced then. What could I lose anyway? But instead of calling her, I sent a nice email saying how much I have learned, how much I thanked her for all the encouragement, and how much I would never give up trying again and again. And please kindly let me know if the stimulus fund would work for my application.
I went home and slept over it.

Today, at 9:30 am, Dr. Beth replied with a death sentence: No, sorry, your project was not funded.
My heart was numb. Whatever. I went on with my work and continued writing.
At 4 pm, my phone rang. I thought it was Jenny or Naureen telling me that I should go to test a patient.
It was Dr. Beth!
She said that her computer was down, but luckily she kept my new office number somewhere else. She would like to tell me in person (phone call is indeed more personal than email these days) that she put my project into the process of getting the stimulus money! Before things are signed and sealed, however, she could not guarantee the result, but at least my application is not dead.
She apologized that she made my day down and up in several hours. Even though her computer was not working, she insisted to give me the good news so that I could start my weekend happily.
What a nice person!
I even "oh-my-god"-ed to her remarks although I am not an OMG girl at all. Was she an angel or what? Did she just convert me into an OMG person?
After the conversation, I immediately emailed my boss and big boss. I wanted to pass on the karma of "starting the weekend happily."

Can't believe that my mood is altered so easily by Dr. Beth.
Is it a good sign or bad sign?
I officially become a grant-chasing research scientist, for sure.

花錢

自從簽了房租, 胚心情愉悅的要花很多大錢.
首先, 訂了一張床.
那張床據說原價 $1699 pre-tax, 售貨員 (來美國那麼多年第一次遇到那麼積極進取的售貨員) 說那是著名的 W Hotel 專用床 (暱稱 bed in heaven), 現在美東北地區的庫存只剩下三張, 大殺價 $899, 問我要不要.
我看看班比, 剛剛是他問我要不要進來看看的, 現在好了吧, 人家硬要賣我床呢. 而且我試躺了一次還很喜歡, 試躺了第二次更喜歡, 人家硬要賣我呢.
班比說我們只是路過進來看看, 現在不急著買.
售貨員於是追問我們什麼時候要, 我說我七月才搬家, 新床七月才要.
他說他可以七月再送貨.
班比看看我, 你啊你兩天前才大手筆的簽了房租付了訂金, 今天又要花大錢嗎?
售貨員看我們眉來眼去, 緩了緩氣氛說: 我知道你的預算是六七百, 那我讓你躺躺我們家六七百的床, 你比較看看.
我躺了躺, 唉... 我就是喜歡那張 bed in heaven.
床是我最在意的家具, 每天回家花上最多時間就是在床上. 班比了解我, 看看我, 你確定嗎? 喜歡就訂了吧.
售貨員看我們有點動搖了, 他說你再去躺躺. 我說我躺兩次了, 我知道我喜歡.
班比開始跟我分析來分析去, 他說真的要急著現在買嗎? 他說那不過就加了個記憶床墊罷了, 他說他也是很喜歡的啦, 他說可是真的不便宜耶, 他說可是這是你最在意的家具.
我沒有回話, 我又走向那張床, 第三次躺上去.
我下了床, 我跟售貨員說, 我要它了.
售貨員微笑問我要不要使用一年無息分期付款?
What? Really? 我說當然要啊.
第一次享受到有真正薪水的好處: 信用, 信用好買什麼都可以分期付款, 美國人的消費市場原來是這樣啊.

所以我要分期付款買新電腦.
還有新電視. 我親愛的電視跟我也跟了七年, 該退休了.
剛剛在想, 我是不是要加買一個外接的電腦螢幕, 這樣手提電腦在家裡當主機使用, 螢幕可以外接個大一點的, 然後就想想乾脆新電視一機兩用, 可以當電視螢幕來看 DVD 也可以當電腦螢幕.
結果我 google 的結果是: 我還是要買一個電視螢幕和一個電腦螢幕. 真是花錢啊..... 好吧, 電腦螢幕可以等等啦.

以下是倒出我上述結論的資訊:

原著是從 Yahoo+ 知識轉到光華商場論壇, 現在我又轉過來, 作者是 tomigood.

一般大眾大都以為電腦螢幕和液晶電視是同樣的面版,只是有加電視選臺器..等,可以收看電視的就是液晶電視,沒有加裝電視選臺器的有VGA只能接電腦的就是電腦螢幕(或稱鑑示器);其時兩者之主要差別就是在面版本身.

電腦鑑示器主要是收看電腦資訊的,其資訊之呈現大都是以文字表格圖形等靜畫為主,且是靠近電腦甚至就顯在您眼前,故其最主要的條件是清晰;亮度對比不需太高, 以免近看傷眼睛;且因文字表格圖形大都是靜畫,故面版反應時間不需太快.....

電視面版之需求就完全相反,因其是為讓您可以高翹二郎腿,舒適的躺坐在沙發上,遠觀電視而設.因是遠觀故清晰並不是最重要(遠看一朵花,近看一個 疤,哎呀我的媽,原來是個母夜叉....觀賞美女絕對要遠看不能近看,否則您一定是個大傻瓜).但因電視畫面大都是動畫(新聞主持例外),又係遠觀,故亮 度對比以及螢幕的反應時間變的非常重要.(反應時間太慢於動畫動作太大時會發生拖影).

所以有人認為液晶電視接上接上VGA就成電腦鑑示器,而電腦鑑示器接上電視卡或電視盒就變成液晶電視,這種觀念是不正確的,由于面版特性不同, 設計的觀念不同,所以液晶電視拿來當液晶電腦螢幕您看起來會覺得吃力,刺眼,眼睛極易疲乏;相反的您若拿液晶電腦螢幕來當液晶電視那您就會覺得畫面對比不 夠,較不清晰,且畫面移動時會有嚴重的拖影現象.

此外,液晶電視因係針對視訊使用,所以它用了很多視訊專用的解調晶片,如3D梳型濾波器,動態偵測循序掃瞄,動態對比控制,灰階平衡控 制......等視訊專用晶片,大大的題昇視訊的清晰度與可看性,而這些電路都是装在本身基版內,與面版一對一的調整;而電視盒或轉換器不但沒有上述之提 高畫質之電路,而且是單獨之個體,和您的晶電腦螢幕是否匹配的好就要看運氣了.

因為電腦及電視所顯示之標的不同,故像日本電視大廠,如Sony,Hitachi....等大廠已經開始把電視及電腦螢幕作分割,其最高檔之電漿電視已經不加VGA端子,純粹只能用於電視中.
所以您若只要有電視畫面就滿足了,那大可買只電視盒接在螢幕上就可看到電視畫面;但若要享受電視所帶來的聲光效果,那只有花大錢用高檔的液晶電視了.

還有什麼要買啊?
沙發! 五斗櫃! 書架! 桌椅...
我應該要搞一個 house warming registry
還是乖乖存錢吧

history of sickness

Was I amazingly healthy before 2004? If not, why did I trash all medical bills before 2004? No, I don't trash this kind of things easily. I must have been quite healthy.
I even went home in 2003 during the SARS crisis. There were more stewardesses than passengers on the flight. Everyone was wearing a mask. I was fine shopping in stores with all attention to myself only. I was fine after multiple temperature checks at entrances of anything. I must have been quite healthy before 2004.

I pushed all medical bills to the floor and thought I did not need them anymore: they are useless now.
Within a minute, I regretted and sat down on the floor, starting organizing them by dates of medical services.
This stack of bills represents part of my history, my American life. Their importance is equivalent to photographs'. Photographs usually record happy times. Medical bills remind me of unpleasant physical conditions. Although unpleasant, they are not terrible. They are not like my teenage diaries which I have destroyed.

My skin went bad starting from the cold dry winter of 2003 and became worse during that horribly busy and stressful semester of spring 2004.
I went to see three doctors, and each of them prescribed me different anti-histamines. They asked me to apply lotion and cream as often as possible on my skin. They told me that my condition would not be cured.
I was desperate. My skin went not only dry but broken and bleeding. Nothing improved. I could not apply lotion on wounds.
In spring 2004, I took 4 courses (one more credit than I was allowed to take per semester) and finished up for my masters. When Mama came to see me for my masters ceremony in May, I had to cover my face and legs with thick cosmetics.
She was heart broken seeing me like that. She asked for Chinese medicine's help and mailed me herb-extract creams from Taiwan. Magically, symptoms on my face, hands, and legs disappeared in a week.
Since then, I was converted into a Chinese medicine believer.

In October 2005, one of my wisdom teeth was pulled out. That was one unbelievably insane experience (written in Chinese, however).
In a highly developed country such as Taiwan, one does not need to be put to sleep in order to have teeth, or wisdom teeth to be more specific, removed. The patient will not feel a thing during the procedure. The patient will be able to return to normal life within an hour after the procedure.
I do not understand why I had to be anesthetized entirely for removal of one tooth. I could not function for not just one day but felt light-headed for the whole week.
Worse, the other wisdom teeth bugged me in November before Thanksgiving. That's right. I had them removed by the same surgeon through the same anesthetization s**t before the holiday when people were happily eating. Thankfully on the black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving), Alex accompanied me to King of Prussia, the Pennsylvanian town where the biggest outlet on the East Coat is.

Since then, I received many dental bills because I identified a dentist to take care of me. The dentist was from Poland. She had a very strong accent. She liked to talked to me while I was unable to reply with my mouth wide open. She liked to asked me questions requiring answers that could not be accomplished by nodding or shaking my head.
She was very detail-oriented. She would spend two hours in tooth washing or until I could not feel my jaw.
She provided me cherry-flavored anti-bacteria-related jell on my gum. She gave me samples of mouth wash, toothbrush, and toothpaste.
She reminded me of dentist visits every month by mailing me a card. She would say "You have $1000 to spend each year covered by your insurance. Do not waste it." But I really preferred not to visit her more than once a year.

I have stopped seeing a dentist since I moved to New Jersey. My postdoc insurance did not cover dentistry.
Which reminds me that I should find a dentist soon because now my new insurance covers it.
Yeah... America is weird in its health insurance systems.

In spring 2007, I discovered that my immune system hates pollen. I sneezed in non-stop for two days during the move to New Jersey and flew back to Taiwan for a month. When I was back to the States, it was summer without allergy attack.
The allergy attack came back on time in spring 2008. I named it GBM.
This year the seasonal allergy was bad too, but I did my best to survive from it without taking medication. Well... in fact I was too lazy to get drug, and I was thinking "I am going to Florida and Taiwan in May. It is summer there." However, in some nights, I failed to fall asleep because my sinuses were congested. I prayed for rain.

Superstar made me to have a mask on during the plane ride to Taiwan. Although I refused to wear a mask in New Jersey on the request of Mama, I obeyed Superstar and wore an N95 mask for 17 hours of flying, not comfortable at all. In Taiwan, up to May, all cases of the H1N1 virus carriers were travelers coming from New York, especially Queens. We were flying from JFK. Superstar cared so I had to care because I care about what he cares.
I did not get the flu but got a diarrhea for a week. This had happened once several years ago. My digestion system seems to prefer America even though my skin loves Taiwan.

To take care of myself, I apply skin lotion and cream as often as possible. I also do pap smears and check vision every year. I also talk to Kim if I am not feeling well. How convenient to have a physician friend so close by.
Actually I have several physician friends in Taiwan. Oh those days back in college finally are paying off. I could email friends to find Taiwanese doctors for Mama and grand parents. Even my boss knows a Taiwanese psychiatrist (her previous trainee) who has recommended neurologists for Mama.
Now I am a believer in Chinese medicine, meaning I will need friends in this field to guide me. Luckily, friendships since college years last. Little North is becoming a practitioner in Chinese medicine. Ching is studying acupressure. I am covered.

Exact descriptions are not needed to reserve my historical events. Just medical conditions or photographs are enough to cue past episodes. Blog entries help too.
Take care, you all.
Take care.