good-how-are-you

I prefer to say "hey" rather than "how are you?" every time when I meet a coworker in the hallway.

That means I can never become the CEO of my organization. The CEO always takes time to stop,  looking into my eyes, smiling at me (even his eyes smile), and asking "How are you?" with each word articulated (instead of howareyou). He presents this common greeting so sincerely that I feel guilty if I don't provide a true answer.
No one provides the true answer to howareyou. Because there is only one answer, which is goodhowareyou. Seriously, I say it like a word not four.

I would like to change the office atmosphere by greeting with "hey" or simply nodding upward at the person crossing my path. This would reduce dishonesty for a tremendously amount.
For one thing, most people do not care how I am. They just want to be polite, be friendly, and be considered as "professional".
For another reason, most people say good-how-are-you in the same way as I say it and do not mean they feel good at the moment.
Therefore, if this kind of pointless exchanges can be eliminated once and for all, there is less dishonesty flowing around in the work place.

My profession requires precision in every word I produce in writing or speaking. Greeting with how-are-you-good-how-are-you is totally imprecise and boring.
Many non-Americans argue that Americans are superficial. The truth is everyone is superficial, but Americans highlight this human trait by over-using this seemingly caring conversation. When they finally decide to care, they would say "Seriously, how are YOU?" If they have not put themselves in the situation of being explicitly superficial, there would be no need to clarify the actual intention of the question when they really care. 

Americans who are as busy as me would agree with me. They do not exchange that meaningless conversation. They smile and nod and pass me by. When I ask "How are you?" they start talking about their houses, children, pets, vacations, and boring meetings. They desire a chunk of time for being cared so that they can take a breath, think about themselves, complain about meaningless things making them busy, and end with "So how are you?"
And I say "Good."
So that we can proceed to reach the original purpose of the meeting.
I am professionalized. Sigh.


Or I don't know how I am. "Good" is an easy answer.
I am not used to being cared verbally.
I am not sure how to answer that question. I have no conscious access to that part of me. I have indicators though. When my work load is over to certain level, I have dreams in which I was in my high school classroom worrying about exams. When my personal life sucks, I feel drowsy all the time. When things go well at work, I work more. When things go poorly at work, I am silent.

I have four manuscripts waiting for me to revise. I am supposed to resubmit a grant. I am applying for two new IRB protocols. I am grading 13 final papers from students. I am spending time composing this blog entry. I am good.
Perhaps I will dream about the high school classroom tonight. But last night, I dreamed of the unborn baby of my cousin. I saw its face. I myself was a girl named "Louis" from the Middle East. Such random dreams make me wonder whether I am good.

Don't ask me. Just say hey.  

Irene Weekend

On Friday at work, people were talking about Irene and how they were preparing for its arrival. A co-worker who also lived in Hoboken kindly informed me that she would stay with her relatives in South Jersey, and if I wished to park my car in her apartment building, I could go to blah blah blah. I seriously did not write down her address and let the information enter and leave my head.

My attitude to this event was the same as my attitude to the earthquake incident several days ago. Come on, that earthquake was not that terrifying in comparison to every quake I had experienced in Taiwan. And please, it's just a hurricane. Like a typhoon. Nothing to worry about.

On the second thought, however, I was worried about Hoboken. The town always got flooded if it rained more than three hours. Hoboken has the worst drainage system I've ever seen. Every time when it was flooded, my 30-minute commute could become a 2-and-half-hour journey.
So the level of my worry increased as the day went by. Before noon, the CEO announced that we had an early closing for all employees to go home and prepare for the storm. That was a really nice gesture, and I totally accepted it.
I drove back to Hoboken and carefully parked bungbung at a spot where no tree or power line was able to fall on it. And I went shopping for food.
The scene in the supermarket was quite dramatic: Half of the store was empty. With the sun and breezes in the late afternoon, people were really scared with the thought of a storm coming to starve them.

I stayed home over night, checking the news constantly. Mama and superstar called and made sure that I was alright. Superstar suggested me drive away and stay somewhere else in case Hoboken got flooded badly. Before going to bed, I decided that I would decide whether to move bungbung to a garage in the morning.
All the information I took in, however, made me sleepless. Correction: I only had six hours of sleep. I drove on the streets around 7am on Saturday and found that all the garages were full. Eventually, I parked on a street that was on the top of this hilly town and that there was no tree or power line around. I sat by the sidewalk for about 15 minutes and convinced myself that this was a good decision.
Satisfied, I went to purchase batteries and candles. I went home and waited for the storm.

I was pretty calm until a call from the mayor of Hoboken. It was her voice message telling all residents "Run for your life! Leave! If you parked your car on the street, it'll be towed." I frowned and reacted to the message: I packed and left.
Well, to tell this story more accurately, I went online to see the projected path of the hurricane and decided that I should go northwest in order to avoid it. Binghamton was just outside the path, and I know someone there. So I booked a hotel room near Binghamton and I packed and left. This move on Saturday was the start of my long Irene weekend.

Thanks to Joey, I had two dinners with a funny companion. Talking to a friend who just started his American life as a PhD student made me humble, setting me back to summer 2002... when I landed in State College, PA on Aug 13 that year, it was pouring with lots of thunders. Yes, I came into a storm with a general direction but no idea what was waiting for me. And now I'm driving around by myself in this country, trying to outrun a storm. Life is funny.
Yes, I stayed for two nights. It was crazy. When I woke up on Sunday morning, I found the power was out and the storm had successfully chased me to Binghamton. Damn broadcasting! Binghamton was supposed to be storm free! Anyway, I sat in dark with the sounds of rain and wind. Immediately I called the front desk to make sure that I was not dreaming. The front desk confirmed my fear.

I put myself together, got dressed, and went to the lobby for coffee. It was full of people running away from New Jersey or New York. In dim light, people were greeting, and children were laughing. For me, it was a good feeling that I was not in this mess alone.
A family tried to check in, but the front desk could not take them in. I felt bad: I was only one person occupying a suite with a non-functioning jacuzzi. This family of four had to wait if anyone checked out by noon. I was thinking I probably should ask if Joey could take me in.
Suddenly, the power was back! A smile immediately came to my face. Everyone was cheered up.
I went back to my room and watched all the news channels about the storm. I checked online to see if Hoboken was under water. Yes, Binghamton was flooded here and there. The river near Joey's place might crest. In Hoboken, every where but my street was flooded, meaning that there was no way for me to drive back today. The news about Hoboken also included that "live" power lines were down in the flood water, and if you walked in it, you might get electrified. It said that you should not walk outdoors or even walk your dogs at all because the flood water was so dangerous and toxic.
The more information I was receiving, the more I leaned toward the idea of staying for one more night. Before Joey could answer my request, I booked the room for another night.
I did not dare to drive outside because the news anchors and the weather reporters were telling me the town where I was staying just got 8 flood alerts and warnings. What the...  I wished Joey was alright and tried to reach him. And it turned out that he was just vacuuming his apartment and did not hear the phone ring. Oh well.

Driving back home on Monday, I enjoyed a pleasantly sunny day. Driving through the mountains at 120km/hr (80 m/h) for three hours gave me some happiness.  The scenes I drove by from New York, Pennsylvania, briefly Delaware, to New Jersey looked no trace of the hurricane. This storm did not do as much damage as I thought. I realized how Americans lived in fear induced by the media that was funded by the insurance industry. I just spent more than 300 dollars related to storm preparation, gas, and hotel rooms. I still believed that my car would have been fine at that parking spot I found for it, and that I would be safe and sound staying in my apartment for the weekend. 

However, when I approached Hoboken, I found it almost impossible to get into Hoboken. Many ramps were closed. Many roads were blocked. I did not see flood, but see police cars blocking roads.
On Tuesday back to work, the time I spent on the road doubled because of random road closure.... Arh... I hate it sometimes that over the years I actually have gained more patience, or learned helplessness, to road situations.

Here are some clips of flooded Hoboken. After viewing these, I was very glad that I drove away from it. Thank you, Mayor Zimmer.



This one is scary only for people who know what this park looked like before the storm....




Bye, Irene.

公務員般

我弟在個大公司上班一個月後的感想：像是公務員一樣。
公務員至少有兩個負面的特徵：固定的上班時間和例行的工作內容。

我朝九晚五，可是絕大多數做學術研究的人都沒有固定的「上班時間」。上班時間要上引號因為做學術研究這行業是隨時都可以工作，包括不在辦公室的時候。我經常晚上或週末在家裡工作，只是因為辦公室離我滿遠的，不然我寧願在辦公室做事。
我認識的金融業、建築業、醫療業、電子業的朋友們每天都工作至少十個小時，而且他們的業務一定要在辦公室或是家裡之外的工作場所才能執行，公務員應該不會羨慕他們。

固定的上班時間應該不是我弟抱怨的重點，應該是工作內容。重複做類似的事情的確是滿難有成就感的，要怎麼被上司賞識到然後換來多一點變化（多元的工作 = 多項工作）就看本事了。

大部分的人對別人行業的工作型態都是不了解的，可是我認為每一條路的歷程是類似的，學術研究的路跟其他行業的路沒有多大差別：定大方向　->　起頭　-> 階段性目標達成　-> 決定要不要繼續走下去　-> 下一個階段完成 -> 遇到貴人和好時機　-> 往上爬一層換個稱謂　-> 遇到好市場，受到多方注意　->　往上躍一層，贏了聲譽　->　市場繼續看好　->　往上飛一層　-> 　十年後還在那裡　-> 　穩座上位

這條路要走多久，看個人造化。我十五歲時就定了大方向，十八歲就起頭，二十七歲階段性目標達成，二十九歲決定要繼續走下去，希望有一天可以當教授。
Ｃａｔｈｌｅｅｎ四十三歲升上教授，Ｔｏｂｙ今年應該五十歲了才升上副教授，這一切都跟學術智力無關，而是社交智慧和研究主題決定了如何走順這條路。

成功要如何衡量？往上爬的速度嗎？還是堅持下去的時間？稱謂大小嗎？聲望嗎？還是收入？
無論用哪一個衡量方式，公務員也是有機會成功的。

如果工作真的是無聊到爆，至少腦力可以空出來想想第二條路。過去十年我沒有發展任何可能的第二條路的能力，沒有時間沒有腦力，對任何事情都沒有很大熱情要做到專業。現在，我在同一個大領域做很多不同小領域的事情，不能算是第二條路，而算是衍生出來新的挑戰，公務員般朝九晚五的日子裡有滿多新的變化，各種不同小小的成就感讓我想繼續走下去。

我也有走不下去的時候，三年多前曾經有非常絕望的感覺，專業領域上的絕望，經濟上的絕望，語言能力上的絕望，私人情感上的絕望，越想越覺得自己在美國甚至回台灣都不可能有什麼前途的。可是我撐過去了，花了兩年時間寫了三次的研究經費終於拿到了，剛好也過完薪水悲慘的博士後研究員生活，人開朗了，什麼事情似乎都又有了希望。「撐下去」三個字是很多人沒有辦法做到，但是有的時候就是成功的原因。我還沒成功啦，但是也還沒失敗，正在祈求＂遇到好市場，受到多方注意＂的那個里程碑。

如果用結果來定義成功，那麼我的路可能要走很久，可能比 Toby 久。所以過程開不開心很重要，慢慢來沒關係，我選擇住在Hoboken，不再在太陽下山後就提心吊膽或是無所事事；我選擇把時間優先權給班比和麻嗎，晚上周末做不完的事情，第二天還是可以做的；我選擇散步慢跑瑜珈，不要醒著的時間都盯著電腦或是開著車。

除了那兩個負面的特徵，公務員這個詞還有一個特徵，但是對我來說不是負面的。安定是我喜歡的，安定是一種外象的狀態也是一種心境。我知道我的定位，我的責任，我做得到和做不到的事情；我知道我是什麼角色，我可以是什麼角色，我可以讓別人認為我是什麼角色；我知道薪水每兩個禮拜會發下來，我知道我一年有二十五天的假。

如果用幸福感來定義成功，目前我是比每天做例行事務的公務員來的成功。
（還好我不認識任何公務員。。。）

巴黎行(下)

來到巴黎，除了鐵塔、凱旋門和博物館之外，就是要去看看教堂，像是遊台灣的旅客一定無法錯過廟宇一樣。
我看了三個教堂，其中兩個有進去參觀。
一到巴黎的那天(6/16/2011)，Zabeth 要我多接受陽光洗禮，這樣比較容易對抗時差，所以她帶我去一個自從"艾蜜莉的異想世界 (Amelia)"上映後就變成景點的聖心大教堂(Basilique du Sacre-Coeur)。 一路從她家走過去，她說她媽媽在世的時候那附近還不是景點，聚集很多藝術家，她媽媽很喜歡去那裡晃。
現在倒是聚集很多畫匠，跟旅客收錢畫像，像是紐約的時代廣場。
過兩天(6/18/2011)，Zabeth和我去聖母院(Cathédrale Notre Dame de Paris)。上回去加拿大魁北克的時候，剛好有遇見別人的導遊說聖母院對法國人的重要性，所以我發現法國到處是聖母院，像是台灣每個城市一定會有媽祖廟一樣。大家都喜歡有個媽媽形象的神保佑自己。
巴黎的聖母院是我見過最方整莊嚴的教堂，她的正門外觀是目前最合我美感胃口的教堂。蓋了三百年才完成的大型藝術品。
我在巴黎的最後一天 (6/23/2011)　要去 Zabeth 的系上報告, 她說去她學校之前，我們可以去看一個她的德文版巴黎導覽裡推薦的教堂：聖禮拜堂 (La Sainte-Chapelle)。是的，在我到巴黎造訪 Zabeth 之前，她自己其實沒有好好參觀巴黎各大景點。例如我和她都是第一次去龐畢度，第一次登上凱旋門。總之，她一直有準備她自己的巴黎導覽，終於搬來巴黎一年之後有用武之地。
我必須要說，聖母院的外觀或許是最讚的，但是聖禮拜堂的二樓內景是最無法用言語形容的，我一登上二樓，立刻起雞皮疙瘩。
以下就是我去這些教堂的相簿：

Churches I visited in Paris

最後要介紹一些小景點給你
1. Jardin du Luxembourg 就是一個有整齊樹木花草噴水池的公園。我跟 Aya 在六月十七下午去的，天氣不太好，開始下毛毛雨的時候，我們跑到附近一家茶店坐坐 bread & roses，還行啦。
2. Opera Garnier 巴黎歌劇院，裝潢繁雜華麗，唯一很現代的是歌劇廳天花板，跟週遭的雕飾完全不合的現代派藝術畫家 Chagall 的大作。我跟 Aya 六月二十去的，本來是想要試試第二天有沒有歌劇可以看，還好沒票了，不然就錯過一年一度的夏至音樂節。可是我們還是有進去參觀。
3. La Fayette 百貨公司，就在歌劇院附近，百貨公司本身就是一個世界各大城市都可以找到的百貨公司，景點是百貨公司中心的天井，天井頂是一個巨大的彩繪玻璃。六月二十二，Zabeth 帶我進去拍幾照片就出來了。
4. Jardin du Tuileries 就是羅浮宮和 Place de la Concorde 之間。或者換個說法，從羅浮宮可以一路直直走到凱旋門，羅浮宮和 Place de la Concorde 之間是Jardin du Tuileries，Place de la Concorde 和凱旋門之間就是香榭大道。
5. Avenue de Champs Elysees 香榭大道，嗯，就是一條圍繞著昂貴名牌商店的馬路，對我來說值得一走完全是因為馬路底是凱旋門。
6. Place de la Concorde 還滿適合拍照的。不過交通號誌燈的設計有點不明確，遊客都是匆忙衝過馬路，經過時要注意交通安全。
7. Place des Vosges 是個古老的紅磚社區住宅，四面公寓為著一個公園，你在 Wikipedia 可以找得到喔。
8. Rue Mouffetard 是一條長長彎彎的小巷子，充滿各式各樣的小商店（包括珍奶），是 Zabeth 的爸爸在巴黎最喜歡的一條街。我和 Zabeth 去那裡逛了一下子，買了一條裙子。

就這樣啦，有機會自己去，有空就看看我的相片囉：

Small tours in Paris

最後，因應麻嗎要求（"我想要看你在照片裡啦，出去玩怎麼都拍風景")，我放幾張不容易猜到我在哪裡拍照的獨照來給她開心一下。

巴黎行 (上)

到達巴黎之前，我買了一本小小的巴黎導覽，因為那導覽後面幾頁有地圖還有一些旅遊須知的法文，至於景點有哪些，我並不是很在意，班比卻是很在意，在我的導覽上圈了幾個他認為我非去不可的地方。
飛機一落地，我有點緊張，因為 Zabeth 給我準備的邀請函不是官方文件, 是私人書信的方式, 可是她用法文寫, 所以我不確定內容是什麼。我心裡盤算著答案，如果海關問我住那裡，我就說住旅館。因為旅館訂房紀錄不需要警察局蓋章，而我一印出訂房紀錄，就在兩天內取消了訂房，所以沒花到錢。如果海關質疑我的旅遊經費，我就出示我的信用卡。如果海關問我有沒有保險，我就給他看我的健保卡。結果，我拿出我的台灣護照，她連頭都沒抬起來看我一眼，一句話也沒說，章就蓋下去了。我就進入歐盟了。

循著 Zabeth 的指示，我坐 RER 換 Metro (地鐵) 到了火車站東站 (Gare de l'Est)，Zabeth 在站門口迎接我。於是我的巴黎行程正式開始，每一天幾乎都是由 Zabeth 策畫。六月十六下午三點開始。

我去了大部分外國遊客一定會去的大景點，也去了只有熟路人才會知曉的小景點，算一算我一天平均去兩個景點，大部分的時間是在走路和聊天。
巴黎很好走。到處是見機行事的路人和鑽來鑽去的機車，車子都短短窄窄的，街上沒什麼垃圾，很像台北，可是空氣品質比台北好。巴黎地鐵站裡垃圾很少，手機有通，標示滿清楚的，但是樓梯處常常充滿尿騷味，而且夏天車廂內沒有冷氣。這麼一比，紐約就輸了，巴黎地鐵有的優點它都沒有,又髒又臭人又爆多，地鐵更是在各個方面都不及格。台北就贏了，除了到站時有過多語言的廣播之外，我對台北捷運幾乎沒有怨言。

在巴黎走來走去很舒服，建築物很美，漂亮有氣質的人到處是。在非景點的地方，我覺得白人和黑人的比例差不多，東亞人很少 (所以常有人盯著我看)；在景點，白人最多，東亞人零星但次之。看人，是一件很休閒的事情。
夏至那天傍晚，我感受到巴黎年輕人的活力。整個巴黎充滿小小的音樂會，大家都出來玩。我和 Zabeth 的朋友在運河岸散步聽音樂吹晚風，這也是我小小的旅遊導覽上沒有提到的事。
如果你對巴黎非景點的街景和人物有興趣，點一下這照片：

Ordinary Scenes of Paris

我最喜歡的大景點是艾菲爾鐵塔 (Tour Effel)。因為只要它能入鏡，照片就很有風情。因為我只要一靠近它，我就微笑。第一次看見它，是在龐畢度中心 (Centre Pompidou) 樓上，那是我在巴黎的第三天。第二次是我在巴黎的第五天，我直接到它面前，天氣陰雨，可是我還是喜歡上它。第三次是第六天　06/21/2011，我從羅浮宮 (Musee du Louvre) 沿著香榭大道 (Champs-Elysees Avenue)走到凱旋門 (Arc de Triomphe) 的路上, 一直遙望著小小的它。 第四次是第七天，天氣終於放晴，我參觀完羅浮宮後沿著河岸走向它，在塔腳曬太陽看小說聽小提琴演奏。第五次是我在巴黎的最後一晚，我在凱旋門上看著它變成金色。
既然說到凱旋門，它算是我也不錯喜歡的巴黎代表性大景點，因為它比我想像中大，比我想像中要來的莊嚴。以下的相簿包括艾菲爾鐵塔和凱旋門：

Effel & Triomphe

博物館我也去了幾個代表性的，羅浮宮是一定要的，我個人對於它的建築比對於它的館藏有興趣。奧塞美術館 (Musee d'Orsay) 的館藏才是我的最欣賞的。龐畢度中心就是個典型的當代藝術美術館，但不一定是追求"美"的。我跟 Zabeth 還找到畢卡索博物館 (Musee Picasso)，結果發現它休館到2013年，館藏世界巡迴中，而目前正在台北！是的, 門口標示著六月十八到九月十八在台北歷史博物館 (建中對面) 展出。所以下一個相簿是我的博物館之行：

Pompidou, Orsay, & Louvre

。。。待續

Food in Paris

I loved my vacation because I do not speak French or German.
Finally I understood why Mama loved vacationing with me in English-speaking locations. For ten days, I depended on Zabeth and Aya for everything. Zabeth, in particular, planned my daily hour-to-hour step-by-step schedules, provided me with comfortable bed, introduced me with her lovely neighbor/colleague John and his GF Julia, and fed me with delicious food.

In markets, I watched Zabeth purchase yummy cheese, wine, beer, fruit, yogurt, French cider, bread, milk, and other raw ingredients for cooking. She is not an ordinary shopper. She knows what she is doing. She spends money wisely, investing only on food that guarantees at least 3 out of 4 Michelin stars.
I said nothing. She did everything. And I was well satisfied.

In restaurants, Zabeth or Aya explained the menu for me. They ordered food for me. They fetched waiters for me. They said thankyou for me. I said nothing. They did everything. And I was well satisfied.

I loved this vacation. Even my brain was so relaxed.

volcano trip

I thought I would have uploaded these pictures two weeks ago. However, due to the unexpected event, I could not do so.
Now I am catching up. After the Pearl Harbor, let me share with you about the Big Island. Yes, there are more than one island in the state of Hawaii. The Pearl Harbor is on the Oahu island. The trip pictured below was on the Hawaii island (aka the Big Island). Oh, I knew there were many island in Hawaii, but I didn't know the Hawaii was the Big Island. Anyhooo... let's do this.

Big Island Hawaii

committe membership

I am now officially on a Master committee. How cool is that?
The committee chair Marianne just had a girl (3 weeks old tomorrow). So it would be convenient and nice to go to her place for the proposal defense. Walking into her dining room, I had the image:

Many years ago, I was preparing Master's proposal or thesis. Toby was busy taking care of Mairead or Kieran so that Cathleen could work. I was stressed out to meet the deadline and needed Toby's comments. So Toby asked me to go to their place for discussion. We worked on their dining table. The cat Matilda was walking everywhere. Oh, I remember the cat. She was not afraid of strangers. She was so curious of me that she put her face right in front of my nose while stepping on my paper.

Back to the present time, Marianne's mother was there helping her to take of the baby so that she could work. The other committee member Janine arrived there a few minutes before me. The student presented her research proposal. We asked her questions. Then the student was asked to get out of the house and wait for our decision. I had another image of my Master's proposal meeting, which was a disaster. My committee not only grilled me but tore my proposal apart. Well, I may be exaggerating but I felt so. The original blog entry (built before the era of blogs or facebook) was not online anymore, but I found it in my hard drive. It was written on Oct 18, 2003:
(Sorry, English readers)

不可置信的，今天是禮拜六，凌晨兩點鐘才入睡的我竟然早上七點半就起床了。

蕭蕙（交替恐龍的室友）為我做了兩個總匯三明治，讓我帶來學校。帶「來」學校，是的，我正在辦公室裡，剛才，總共花了四個小時弄完了"post-proposal" proposal of my master project。

為什麼 proposal 後還要 proposal 呢？這是一件令我哭笑不得的事情。

禮拜四（10/16/03）是我學術生涯的一個邁進，就是提出碩士研究的申請，我已經花了至少半年以上的時間（我決定要在胚胚的頁上貼出我的實驗步驟演進圖），回美國之後又不停的跟 Cathleen 和 Toby 討論，每討論一次就修改一次，大大小小的修改不論，至少我覺得我很享受這其中的過程，我可以跟他們討論出一個實驗的方向，和解決問題找出真相的方法。就在寫出正式的那一份 proposal 之前，我的三位 committee members （包括 Rick）都已經知道我的研究是什麼，也都沒有什麼大疑問，也都跟我說我是多麼的了不起想要探究一直沒人去碰的領域（是的，我是第一人啦！暗暗的爽），也都跟我說我的碩士提案可以擴大成博士研究的提案，不過我目前需要的是先拿到碩士，後續的研究就看我之後願不願意繼續了。

總之，我呈現一點都不緊張的狀態，反正他們都知道我在做什麼，反正我已經練習過好多次怎麼 present，proposal 的前一天晚上我還再看了一次 "Lilo & Stitch"。

禮拜四早上十點鐘，開始。

當我講完我提案中最複雜的部分的時候，我非常舒暢的期待這一場 meeting 的結束，因為我想連最複雜的部分我都已經搞定了，接下來沒什麼好怕的了。然後，Cathleen 突然炸出一個問題，她從來不曾對我提起的問題。

先話說從頭，我做了兩個 pilot studies，第二個 pilot 有非常驚人的（對我們廣大的 vision science 領域是驚人的）結果。通常做 pilot 的目的不是要看結果，而且 pilot 所收集的 data 不夠多應該也不能當作是很有統計效力的 data。但是這個 pilot 的結果卻讓人難以忽視。於是 Cathleen 就質疑如果這個 pilot 的結果是可信的，那麼我第一個實驗的邏輯性就會出現問題。Rick 開始點頭，本來幫我的 Toby 也動搖了。

我，傻住。

還好，我天生就是緊張起來不會臉紅，我天生就是緊張起來不會語無倫次反而講話更慢（多謝麻嗎生得好），我努力的思考想要辯駁，心裡卻有另一個聲音：如果我第一個實驗，也就是所有實驗的源頭出現了瑕疵（一個這半年來沒有人告訴我的瑕疵），那我這個提案肯定要重來，碼的。

就在我思索的時間裡，他們三個熱烈的討論起來，他們突然比我還有興趣做這個研究，回答我的大問題 " Does exogenous or endogenous shift of attention take more time to move a greater distance?" ，我也在那段時間裡理解了我的 pilot study 真是恐怖的可以變成另一項研究計畫，又憂又喜之際，Toby 要我出去。

我要在會議室外面等待他們的決定，一種被人推下高樓的心情。你們怎麼可以在 proposal 的當下改掉我的實驗？為什麼前幾個禮拜都不說一句話呢？你們怎麼可以讓我花了百分之九十的時間在最困難的部分，讓我以為簡單的部分是真的很簡單而不需要多做解釋？

Toby 開門了，"You're approved."他開心的說。

我居然可以安全的落地！

為什麼呢？第一，他們說他們難得遇到這麼有討論氣氛的 proposal meeting，他們覺得受教良多，他們覺得他們也腦力激盪到了。

第二，我在 present 的時候，很沈穩的回答了 Toby 的一個問題。

Toby 是有名的電人王，因為他太聰明了，他總是可以很快的吸收一個 presentation，然後提出一針見血的問題，系上很多人（包括教授和學生）都很怕他，雖然他平常是個超可愛的大小孩。

"You impressed us by answering that question." 這是他們的說法，但是仍然難以抹滅他們要我更改實驗的痛。只是心情忽然間平靜的像木頭。

所以我要從新思考一次我的實驗設計和流程，在大方向大問題都不變的情況下。

下禮拜我要在 brown bag （我們認知領域每週三的午餐 meeting）報告我的 master proposal，有一半的 slides 要更改。好在，我不用重寫一份書面的 proposal。

更改實驗，所以又要再弄一個 pilot，所以這兩天就在忙這個新的 pilot。

現在離十一月不到半個月，我十一月初要去溫哥華開會，要做一張去年實驗結果的海報，well... 還沒開始做。開會回來之後有兩個 presentation 在等著我。不會累死啦，只是眼睛已經快死了，短短幾個月，我的近視度數已經加深了許多，是我可以察覺到的加深速度。

呼～

Back to the present time again, we the committee discussed about the proposal a bit more and were excited about the potential project that may be brought about from this student's Master research. Oh of course, I see the Master project more promising the PhD project. My Master project, as you see, was initiated in 2003, has become a career by itself. Toby and I have done at least 30 follow-up experiments since then, using college students from Penn State to U of Iowa. We just submitted a paper last month. If Marianne does it right, this student's work can become a good ten years of work.
But I felt thrilled that now I was the person who stayed in the room while a student was asked out to wait, and who watched the student get nervous.
We chatted and signed the paper. The student got called back in. And we said "Congrats!"

Feeling even more responsible, I got back to office and work with a reminder of the reason why I have wanted to be in academia.

不再受難

前天，美國人所謂的 Good Friday，臺灣人翻譯做基督受難日的那天，爺爺走了。

他其實是外公，可是我一直都叫他爺爺，害我小學一年級的 "生活與論語"考試沒拿滿分，因為媽媽的爸爸應該要叫外公。
後來為了區分，他是松山爺爺，爸爸的爸爸叫屏東爺爺。

爺爺是山東人，後來又說他其實是大連人，反正因為他，我有四分之一北方人的血統。

每個小朋友都有的乳名，就是名字最後一個字連音就是了。漢漢，君君，中中，佳佳，侃侃，亘亘，但是我就沒有，因為我的名字不適合。
可是爺爺給我一個乳名，只有他在叫。小佩"易"。因為北方腔的關係，他唸起來就是"易"。

爺爺來台灣娶了台灣人，可是我沒聽他沒說過一句台語，倒是阿嬤的台灣國語有山東腔。
爺爺當警察的時候騎哈雷，自己也有一台打擋車，我幼稚園的時候有坐過幾次。
爺爺不當警察以後在饒河夜市當管理員，我有去參觀過他的辦公室幾次，並沒有因為他的關係撿到什麼店家的便宜。

我國小的時候，爺爺每個禮拜天下廚。他做的酸菜白肉鍋還有北方涼菜是我童年回憶裡還不錯的片段。不過，我完全沒有勇氣去碰他面前那每餐都有生大蒜和一小杯高梁。
爺爺很兇的，我沒有逗他笑的天份，只有阿姨碼媽和君君有本事逗他笑。
爺爺訂了很多吃飯的規矩，都是被罵的時候才知道規矩的存在，例如他動筷子前沒人可以動筷子，吃飯的時候不可以講話，左手要就著碗，筷子不可以跟碗盤敲出聲音，拿碗的時候不可以捧的碗，敬酒的時候要兩隻手一起拿酒杯。
跟爺爺打麻將的規矩也很多，腳不可以放在椅子上，不能用左手拿牌，不要隨便碰吃槓壞了門清。

爺爺那麼兇，我幾乎沒有頂過嘴，除了用筷子這件事。
我一直不會用筷子，像是拿筆一樣的握著拳頭拿筷子。高中還是大學的時候，他又唸了我一次，我回嘴說會夾就好了，他瞪了我一眼說會寫字但是寫得不漂亮有什麼用。我忘了是麻嗎還是阿嬤使了眼色要我安靜，可是我認為他理由沒有說服力，我現在也還是不同意。
可是就在我大學畢業前，我突然學會用所謂標準漂亮的方式用筷子。不過他沒稱讚我過。
我離開台北之後，他老得好快。不兇了，更不多話。

爺爺退休之後，練毛筆字不算什麼，他學英文，還信了主。
他成了全家唯一的天主教徒，書房裡放了聖母聖靈的畫像，阿嬤沒說什麼，覺得他要拜什麼就讓他拜啊。
健康狀況走下坡後，他沒再去做禮拜，聽麻嗎說教友會來拜訪。
最近幾次住院，神父和教友都有來探望。麻嗎說他還捨不得走。

前天，他放下了，在誦經聲中安詳的離開了。教友開玩笑說他會跟耶穌一起復活。
於是 Good Friday 從此對我而言是有意義的。

Pearl Harbor

Pearl Harbor

I arrived in Honolulu, 7:30 pm April 8th. It took me more than an hour to drive to the hotel. Not that it was far from the airport, but it was that all the street names looked alike (and sounded alike if I tried hard to pronounce them). So I missed turns and went to strange places although the car-rental clerk had told me it was easy to get to the core of Waikiki from the airport; "just follow H1 and then 92 east" she said.
After picking up mama the next morning, I agreed with the clerk that it was quite easy.
Navigating in Oahu is easy in general. The network of the highway is not complicated. The signs are clear. The roads are in good conditions with few potholes. The only thing I have to complain is the traffic lights. One night when we were driving back from the west to the hotel, meaning we needed to go through Waikiki, green lights were followed by red lights, and lights seemed to stay longer red than green. For the same amount of time I could have walked back if I had abandoned the car right after getting H1 (the highway).

The Pearl Harbor is close to the airport. We went there after the morning session of the conference on April 10th. Yes, I did go to the conference before enjoying the vacation.
I am going to post more pictures of my Hawaii trip. Here is the first entry (just click the album cover above.) The pictures preserve more memory that my narratives. Aloha.

職場如戰場

去年夏天我們實驗室徵研究助理, 來面試的大多是剛剛拿到碩士或是學士學位的小朋友.
有一個巴基斯坦媽媽頂著 MD 的學位來面試, MD 的直接翻譯是醫學博士, 其實就是醫生的意思, 並沒有比醫生厲害.
我老闆一開始就跟她說MD的資格超過研究助理的標準, 我們請不起她. 她說她願意做義工, 她想要學怎麼做研究, 只要能讓她留在實驗室裡她什麼都願意.
於是呢, 身為義工, 就歸實驗室經理管, 義工每天都要跟經理報備, 報備內容是越詳細越好, 因為經理認為經理的工作就是要對每一個下屬瞭若指掌. 可是經理也有一個難題, 就是要幫義工找事情做.
經理常來問我有沒有什麼事情需要義工幫忙, 我剛好有一個新的研究計畫需要人力, 所以我就開始帶著巴基斯坦媽媽做事.

我們實驗室隨時都有一到三個擁有MD學位的人來當義工, 他們都不是美國人, 幾乎都是印度人. 印度MD義工的目的是要一封很漂亮的推薦信來申請美國住院醫生的職位. 在美國以外的地區拿到的醫生學位 (MD; medical doctor) 可以被認可, 但是有MD不代表能執業, 要有美國的證照才行. 要有證照就要有住院醫生的經驗, 要有住院醫生的經驗就要申請, 要申請就需要推薦信. 而且申請了不代表一定會申請到 (或者說"配對到"; 台灣也有類似的配對過程). 我在這裡工作三年裡, 至少有十個印度MD義工來, 只有兩個成功配對到, 其中只有一個第一次申請就申請到.

巴基斯坦媽媽沒有想要執業. 她當年在巴基斯坦拿到MD學位不久之後就到了美國結婚生子, 她的第三個小孩一出生就有身心上的障礙, 需要全天候的照顧. 去年這小男生滿十歲了, 巴基斯坦媽媽決定不要再做家庭主婦, 她依然想要追尋她從小一直想要擁有的職業生涯. 她說不是她不喜歡照顧他兒子, 只是她覺得那樣的生活不是她想要的, 曾經代表巴基斯坦醫學生到歐洲演講的她很渴望能夠學以致用.
她知道以她的年紀 (我猜四十多) 很難跟剛離開學校的人去搶住院醫生, 她現在只想要學習怎麼做臨床研究. 她沒有經濟壓力, 她老公擁有一家科技軟體公司, 她本來就不愁吃穿的. 她願意每天開單程至少一小時的車程來我們研究機構, 她就是想要學東西.

她果然跟其他義工很不一樣, 非常細心認真之外, 她問很多問題. 大部分的印度醫生都像是啞巴, 不打不鬧, 你叫他做超級無聊簡單的事情他就做給你看, 你叫他做有點難度需要思考的事情, 他悶頭就去做, 把提問題當作是丟臉的事情, 常常做不對, 罵他也不是唸他也不是, 所以我通常不愛發派印度MD義工做事.
我一開始設定好一個簡單的數據系統給巴基斯坦媽媽, 她用了不到一天就發現那套系統跟她的思考模式不合, 就來跟我討論, 我們一起弄出一套我們都同意的測量整理數據的系統, 她就去執行啦, 有問題就來問, 我一定都回答.
漸漸的她開始主動跟經理說她只想做我的研究計畫.
漸漸的經理開始來跟我抱怨巴基斯坦媽媽太有自己的想法, 都不愛按照既定的程序做事.

直到去年底, 她每天來做義工已經四個月了. 她問我該怎麼辦.
跟著我做事, 還有看其他研究助理做病人實驗, 她學不到做研究的基本道理. 我老實跟她說, 我老闆已經很坦白表示不聘她做研究助理, 我建議她回學校. 認真拿幾門研究方法的課, 再憑著她的MD學位, 她想要去哪裡都可以.
但是她說她就是想要留在我們研究機構裡. 於是她去找別的實驗室的老闆談, 談的結果就是他們歡迎她, 可是恐怕沒有預算給她全職, 只能負擔一個禮拜三天的時間. 於是她想要跟我老闆商量是否可以讓她另外兩天在我們實驗室繼續當義工, 或是拿學士級的薪水.
她這個主意先是跟我們研究室經理提起了, 經理就跟老闆說了.

突然劇情急轉直下, 老闆某個早晨跑來問我意見, 問我覺得我們應不應該僱用她. 我說不應該, 因為她當不了獨立作業的研究員(像我這樣), 也不適合當研究助理, 她卡在中間.
老闆於是跟經理聯決跟巴基斯坦媽媽會面, 說不雇用她的理由有二: 一, 研究室沒有預算; 二, 她不聽上司指示.
這第二點理由讓巴基斯坦媽媽非常震驚錯愕, 她覺得她被經理狠狠桶了一刀. 因為我老闆跟她並沒有天天往來, 都是經理在管理義工的作息還有跟老闆的報告.
然後我老闆說不會幫她寫推薦信. 這又是一刀. 在美國求職, 沒有推薦信等於是沒有履歷表一樣.
我老闆又說巴基斯坦媽媽已經不再是我們實驗室的一份子了, 可以珍重再會了.
這時呢, 巴基斯坦媽媽可能問了一句關於跟我未完成的計畫怎麼辦, 經理可能說了一句:"你要先跟我報備." 我用猜測的語氣, 是因為同一天下午, 一切就要爆發.

巴基斯坦媽媽來跟我說, 她想要完成我的研究計畫, 她希望我可以幫她寫推薦信. 我說我贊成, 但是我要先問老闆和經理的意見, 因為他們已經拒絕你了, 如果還天天看到你出現, 情況會有點尷尬.
所以我去跟經理說, 經理說: "我不是要她先來問我才去問你嗎 ? 她就是愛做自己想做的事情, 不聽我的指示."
在經理的堅持下, 她跟著我去找老闆. 我老闆說:"我們都已經跟她說要她走了, 她還去找你? 你想要留她嗎?"
我說: "她幫做我的事情不難, 可是需要很細心和很多時間. 如果她現在就走了, 我要重新訓練一個人, 不如讓她專心做完這件事, 我可以就針對她在這個計畫的表現寫封推薦信."
經理跟老闆聽了, 點頭是點頭, 可是我可以感覺到他們的不認同. 老闆要我寫很小心很保守的推薦信以自保. 我說好.

我以為事情就這樣啦.
結果幾天後, 巴基斯坦媽媽跟實驗室經理在走道上打了照面, 指責經理是騙子, 騙我老闆說她辦事不力. 經理超級生氣, 跑來要我趕她走. 後來巴基斯坦媽媽也理直氣壯的來跟我說她沒做錯, 不懂為什麼經理就要她不名譽的走. 我說我不想選邊站, 但是如果你想把這個計畫做完, 就低調一點.
巴基斯坦媽媽不知道是得理不饒人, 還是裝天真, 她依然出席實驗室相關的活動, 還要求要跟我老闆去看診. 老闆跟經理都火了, 我幾乎要保不住她了.

今天在沒有告知我的情況之下, 老闆來了一封信, 她寫給電腦資訊部主任, 附件給我和經理, 說我會跟電腦資訊部聯絡, 減少巴基斯坦媽媽的帳號權限. 這根本就是抵著我脖子要我砍別人.
我深吸一口氣, 寫了一封正式的公文給電腦資訊部也寫給巴基斯坦媽媽, 信裡明確列出她的權限縮減到三個跟我研究相關的資料夾, 更是明明白白重申她已經不是我們實驗室的一員, 她還會在這裡都是因為我, 一旦計畫完成我就會終止她所有電子帳號的權限.

我在走鋼索.
我沒有必要要保巴基斯坦媽媽, 但是我已經答應的事很難反悔, 而且她是真的很好用的幫手.
我沒有必要跟老闆經理對頭, 但是我相信我沒有做任何危害實驗室聲譽的事情.
我保她是一個賭注, 大家在看我做的這個決定會不會有好結果. 研究成果我不敢說, 但是人情世故上, 根據行政人員的一些八卦風聲, 我, 佔上風.

new decade's resolutions

I have become a morning person.
Since last summer, I wake up no later than 6:30 and start my day around 8 with my coffee and my computer. I go home by 6 pm or earlier to enjoy the rest of day ... which lasts until 11.
I thought my life had gone hell.
I thought I had become a morning person.

In graduate school, when the school work was not crazy, I stayed up no later than 1 am during the week and partied no later than 3 am during the weekend. My day usually started at 9 or 10 am.
During the last year of my Pennsylvanian life, I woke up at 7:30 am every day, worked until 5-ish, practiced yoga until 7-ish, had dinner, and worked until midnight. I still partied hard during the weekend.
However, I did not like staying up later than 4 or 5am because I would fail to fall asleep or sleep long enough ... it turned out that I always opened my eyes around 10am. What a misfortune.

In college years, I never stayed up for studying because my brain was not working after midnight. I woke up 8-ish... not quite sure, but never too late to miss a class or miss breakfast before noon.

In high school years, I woke up at 5:30, left home around 6 so that I was able to arrive at school before 7:30 for my duty as the leader of the marching band.... what a stupid job now I think of it. No wonder I hated those years.

In junior high, I don't quite remember, but I know we had a test or two every morning before the first class. I never missed a test or a breakfast before the test... so I must have left home for school before 7 am.

In elemental school..... I really have no memory. However, considering that I went to bed at 9 pm every day, I must have got up early in the morning.

By all means, I never became a morning person. I have always been a morning person. I just cannot wake up early for a jog or an early-bird yoga class. But I do wake up early for having breakfast, reading, working, and chatting online with people physically far far away from me. Also, breakfast is important because I like it.

Yesterday was a snow day. I knew it would be a snow day, and I watched a 3-hour movie late and read a chapter of Harry Potter until 1am. And I got up at 8:30 on the snow day and worked until dinner time.
See the pattern? If there were no pleasure at all in what I have been doing, I should have made a whole different career than being a "research scientist".

Today my two bosses said something very meaningful to me. They did not say those things for complimenting my work. They did not announce a title onto me. They did not raise my salary. They probably did not know the meanngfulness of their words. They were just being themselves, my boss and mentor and all.
And then I felt it, the point of why I live my life in this pattern.

You don't understand it. You don't think about it. You don't plan on it. You feel it. It being the way of your life and possibly the meaning of your life.

Somehow my way of living fits the current society, and thus I live without anyone telling me that I should do otherwise. I don't work like an attending physician or hedge-fund analyst who seems to work too hard too often. I don't work like an actor or a dance teacher who seems to work for too little to survive.
So I think I am totally lucky. Also the fact that I live far away enough from people who may like to nag on my behavior is totally a bonus to my continuous obsession of getting up early to have a breakfast and read for work or pleasure.

So what is it? What is the point?
Sometimes, you feel you have to make a plan and make wise decisions to follow the plan so that you know you are on track to your goal. But I have made it to my goal three years ago: I got my degree.
Then I was lost in the most unremarkable life: looking for a job and looking for a way of living that was supposed to make me happy. I was depressed and lonely. I didn't know what defined my career. I didn't like my job. I felt like I was forced to be on this track to a pointless unexciting academia nerdy boring life, hanging out with uninteresting people who also lived uninteresting lives. At some point, I just wanted to be out. Out of everything. I wished I could just leave and drive until the car dies.

A title is not a career. Being a professor, a writer, a business manager, a dancer or a chef is not a career. A career has to be what a professor, a writer, a business manager, a dancer, or a chef is passionate about for at least five years to life time. A researcher means nothing. Someone told me that she wanted to do research and asked for my guidance. I was like... what? Please re-define your question. Research on what? And why?

Today I found it. Or felt it. Can't put an explicit word for it. But I felt it. The it that may define my career. I am gonna make a wish.
I wish I will truly accomplish something that changes a small part of the world. I don't fancy being rich. I do fancy being someone who does at least one good important thing for many people who really need it. And this one thing is good and important enough that I will be proud of myself when I'm about to leave the field to start a new career.

Two days ago was the 30th anniversary of my first step. Here are two goals for my next decade of walking on earth.
One: Remain excited about my research on cognitive neuropsychology and related rehabilitative techniques, and get proud!
Two: Leave it with pride, and start something entirely different and exciting!
Now I feel the purpose of being a morning person. I have a career, not a job. Pretty cool kind of feeling indeed.