king has gone

I was there, October 1996, when MJ came to Taipei.
That was actually the second time, and the last time, in my memory when he toured to Taipei.
The first time was in my junior high years. I did not save enough money to go to his concert. One ticket asked for NT$ 4000 (about US$135), but I did not even have regular allowances.
A couple years later in 1996, he came again. I had went to senior high and started getting some hundreds per week from Mama. I did not tell Mama until several days before the concert. She was mad at me spending that much money on entertainment. I was like: this is my money, and it is not just some entertainment. It is Michael Jackson!
(Years later, I spent more on Michael Jordan because it was Michael Jordan!)

I was surprised to see her when waiting in line with my classmate (whose name I cannot recall and whose face I could hardly recall either) to get into the stadium for the concert.
Mama said she liked him too. She deserved to spending money. Yes, I smiled to the fact that she finally could not help but spending what she earned on what she deserved.

Looking at her ticket, oh my, she was sitting in the same area as me!
The night became a great night with Mama. Both of us screamed until our throats could not produce any sound. I sang with MJ, and Mama asked how come I knew the lyrics. I said I had listened to his History album everyday for months. My classmate somehow faded. I don't remember whether she enjoyed the concert or enjoyed her night with me. But I definitely enjoyed the night with Mama and her excited spirit. I loved Michael Jackson!

He died today.

demon and angel

Her name is Dr. Beth.
Since the first time I submitted an NIH grant application, I have called her and emailed her numerous times. My boss had highly recommended me to call her. My boss believes that NIH program officers like to talk to investigators. My boss believes that Dr. Beth is the most incredible program officer for investigators.
I don't know about that. I do know that Dr. Beth is one of the nicest persons in the world.
She always made me feel I was the smartest scientist or my application was the most fundable project.
She has the voice.

It's like picking a yoga class. No matter how good the teacher's skills or teaching techniques are, if he/she does not have the soothing voice that softens every conflict on the earth, I will abandon the class.
Dr. Beth has the voice. She would be a great yoga teacher if she left science.

My first interaction with her was through email.
Not only did she reply immediately, but she also tried to make an appointment for a conference call. If I left a message in her voice mail, she would definitely return my call within one business day.
I felt so important.

This project I had submitted twice, February 2008 being the first submission and November 2008 being the second. See how this process takes time?
My score got better the second time around. But the percentage priority did not seem to 100% ensure me that the project would definitely get funded.
In April, I called Dr. Beth. At that time, she was not my primary program office for this particular project. I asked if her institute was interested in my project. She read my proposal and said yes. I asked her my chance to get funded through her institute. She said the Obama administration gave lots of money to research this year and my project might get funded because of the stimulus fund. I asked if she could re-assign my project to her institute. She ran some internal paperwork and emailed me with a word "Done!"
So I waited.

Last Thursday the 11th was the day when the advice council took place to decide if my project was funded.
I checked a specific NIH website entire day, trying to get the news. However, the website was impossible to get on. Everyone who submitted an NIH proposal seemed to try to get on it.
On the next day, the situation did not change. But messages from NIH said that particular website was going through some serious unknown unsolved problems.
Oh... federal agencies....
So I waited.

After a weekend, I emailed Dr. Beth. My email bounced back immediately, saying she was out of office and would return on Wednesday.
So I waited.

On Wednesday morning, I received Dr. Beth's email, saying my project was not funded.
What? What a demon! How could she do this to me? She gave me hope and a couple months later kicked me down the hill.
My heart was broken. I asked for hugs from everyone in the lab. I could not pay attention in meetings. I forced myself to focus on manuscript writing. I went to bed early.
On Thursday, my big boss comforted me and suggested me to call Dr. Beth. I was like: what is the point to bother her again? Yeah.. she did not help passing my proposal, but it was not her job to make a guarantee. Big boss said that I should call her because she had given me hope that the payline was generous this year with Obama money.
I was convinced then. What could I lose anyway? But instead of calling her, I sent a nice email saying how much I have learned, how much I thanked her for all the encouragement, and how much I would never give up trying again and again. And please kindly let me know if the stimulus fund would work for my application.
I went home and slept over it.

Today, at 9:30 am, Dr. Beth replied with a death sentence: No, sorry, your project was not funded.
My heart was numb. Whatever. I went on with my work and continued writing.
At 4 pm, my phone rang. I thought it was Jenny or Naureen telling me that I should go to test a patient.
It was Dr. Beth!
She said that her computer was down, but luckily she kept my new office number somewhere else. She would like to tell me in person (phone call is indeed more personal than email these days) that she put my project into the process of getting the stimulus money! Before things are signed and sealed, however, she could not guarantee the result, but at least my application is not dead.
She apologized that she made my day down and up in several hours. Even though her computer was not working, she insisted to give me the good news so that I could start my weekend happily.
What a nice person!
I even "oh-my-god"-ed to her remarks although I am not an OMG girl at all. Was she an angel or what? Did she just convert me into an OMG person?
After the conversation, I immediately emailed my boss and big boss. I wanted to pass on the karma of "starting the weekend happily."

Can't believe that my mood is altered so easily by Dr. Beth.
Is it a good sign or bad sign?
I officially become a grant-chasing research scientist, for sure.

花錢

自從簽了房租, 胚心情愉悅的要花很多大錢.
首先, 訂了一張床.
那張床據說原價 $1699 pre-tax, 售貨員 (來美國那麼多年第一次遇到那麼積極進取的售貨員) 說那是著名的 W Hotel 專用床 (暱稱 bed in heaven), 現在美東北地區的庫存只剩下三張, 大殺價 $899, 問我要不要.
我看看班比, 剛剛是他問我要不要進來看看的, 現在好了吧, 人家硬要賣我床呢. 而且我試躺了一次還很喜歡, 試躺了第二次更喜歡, 人家硬要賣我呢.
班比說我們只是路過進來看看, 現在不急著買.
售貨員於是追問我們什麼時候要, 我說我七月才搬家, 新床七月才要.
他說他可以七月再送貨.
班比看看我, 你啊你兩天前才大手筆的簽了房租付了訂金, 今天又要花大錢嗎?
售貨員看我們眉來眼去, 緩了緩氣氛說: 我知道你的預算是六七百, 那我讓你躺躺我們家六七百的床, 你比較看看.
我躺了躺, 唉... 我就是喜歡那張 bed in heaven.
床是我最在意的家具, 每天回家花上最多時間就是在床上. 班比了解我, 看看我, 你確定嗎? 喜歡就訂了吧.
售貨員看我們有點動搖了, 他說你再去躺躺. 我說我躺兩次了, 我知道我喜歡.
班比開始跟我分析來分析去, 他說真的要急著現在買嗎? 他說那不過就加了個記憶床墊罷了, 他說他也是很喜歡的啦, 他說可是真的不便宜耶, 他說可是這是你最在意的家具.
我沒有回話, 我又走向那張床, 第三次躺上去.
我下了床, 我跟售貨員說, 我要它了.
售貨員微笑問我要不要使用一年無息分期付款?
What? Really? 我說當然要啊.
第一次享受到有真正薪水的好處: 信用, 信用好買什麼都可以分期付款, 美國人的消費市場原來是這樣啊.

所以我要分期付款買新電腦.
還有新電視. 我親愛的電視跟我也跟了七年, 該退休了.
剛剛在想, 我是不是要加買一個外接的電腦螢幕, 這樣手提電腦在家裡當主機使用, 螢幕可以外接個大一點的, 然後就想想乾脆新電視一機兩用, 可以當電視螢幕來看 DVD 也可以當電腦螢幕.
結果我 google 的結果是: 我還是要買一個電視螢幕和一個電腦螢幕. 真是花錢啊..... 好吧, 電腦螢幕可以等等啦.

以下是倒出我上述結論的資訊:

原著是從 Yahoo+ 知識轉到光華商場論壇, 現在我又轉過來, 作者是 tomigood.

一般大眾大都以為電腦螢幕和液晶電視是同樣的面版,只是有加電視選臺器..等,可以收看電視的就是液晶電視,沒有加裝電視選臺器的有VGA只能接電腦的就是電腦螢幕(或稱鑑示器);其時兩者之主要差別就是在面版本身.

電腦鑑示器主要是收看電腦資訊的,其資訊之呈現大都是以文字表格圖形等靜畫為主,且是靠近電腦甚至就顯在您眼前,故其最主要的條件是清晰;亮度對比不需太高, 以免近看傷眼睛;且因文字表格圖形大都是靜畫,故面版反應時間不需太快.....

電視面版之需求就完全相反,因其是為讓您可以高翹二郎腿,舒適的躺坐在沙發上,遠觀電視而設.因是遠觀故清晰並不是最重要(遠看一朵花,近看一個 疤,哎呀我的媽,原來是個母夜叉....觀賞美女絕對要遠看不能近看,否則您一定是個大傻瓜).但因電視畫面大都是動畫(新聞主持例外),又係遠觀,故亮 度對比以及螢幕的反應時間變的非常重要.(反應時間太慢於動畫動作太大時會發生拖影).

所以有人認為液晶電視接上接上VGA就成電腦鑑示器,而電腦鑑示器接上電視卡或電視盒就變成液晶電視,這種觀念是不正確的,由于面版特性不同, 設計的觀念不同,所以液晶電視拿來當液晶電腦螢幕您看起來會覺得吃力,刺眼,眼睛極易疲乏;相反的您若拿液晶電腦螢幕來當液晶電視那您就會覺得畫面對比不 夠,較不清晰,且畫面移動時會有嚴重的拖影現象.

此外,液晶電視因係針對視訊使用,所以它用了很多視訊專用的解調晶片,如3D梳型濾波器,動態偵測循序掃瞄,動態對比控制,灰階平衡控 制......等視訊專用晶片,大大的題昇視訊的清晰度與可看性,而這些電路都是装在本身基版內,與面版一對一的調整;而電視盒或轉換器不但沒有上述之提 高畫質之電路,而且是單獨之個體,和您的晶電腦螢幕是否匹配的好就要看運氣了.

因為電腦及電視所顯示之標的不同,故像日本電視大廠,如Sony,Hitachi....等大廠已經開始把電視及電腦螢幕作分割,其最高檔之電漿電視已經不加VGA端子,純粹只能用於電視中.
所以您若只要有電視畫面就滿足了,那大可買只電視盒接在螢幕上就可看到電視畫面;但若要享受電視所帶來的聲光效果,那只有花大錢用高檔的液晶電視了.

還有什麼要買啊?
沙發! 五斗櫃! 書架! 桌椅...
我應該要搞一個 house warming registry
還是乖乖存錢吧

history of sickness

Was I amazingly healthy before 2004? If not, why did I trash all medical bills before 2004? No, I don't trash this kind of things easily. I must have been quite healthy.
I even went home in 2003 during the SARS crisis. There were more stewardesses than passengers on the flight. Everyone was wearing a mask. I was fine shopping in stores with all attention to myself only. I was fine after multiple temperature checks at entrances of anything. I must have been quite healthy before 2004.

I pushed all medical bills to the floor and thought I did not need them anymore: they are useless now.
Within a minute, I regretted and sat down on the floor, starting organizing them by dates of medical services.
This stack of bills represents part of my history, my American life. Their importance is equivalent to photographs'. Photographs usually record happy times. Medical bills remind me of unpleasant physical conditions. Although unpleasant, they are not terrible. They are not like my teenage diaries which I have destroyed.

My skin went bad starting from the cold dry winter of 2003 and became worse during that horribly busy and stressful semester of spring 2004.
I went to see three doctors, and each of them prescribed me different anti-histamines. They asked me to apply lotion and cream as often as possible on my skin. They told me that my condition would not be cured.
I was desperate. My skin went not only dry but broken and bleeding. Nothing improved. I could not apply lotion on wounds.
In spring 2004, I took 4 courses (one more credit than I was allowed to take per semester) and finished up for my masters. When Mama came to see me for my masters ceremony in May, I had to cover my face and legs with thick cosmetics.
She was heart broken seeing me like that. She asked for Chinese medicine's help and mailed me herb-extract creams from Taiwan. Magically, symptoms on my face, hands, and legs disappeared in a week.
Since then, I was converted into a Chinese medicine believer.

In October 2005, one of my wisdom teeth was pulled out. That was one unbelievably insane experience (written in Chinese, however).
In a highly developed country such as Taiwan, one does not need to be put to sleep in order to have teeth, or wisdom teeth to be more specific, removed. The patient will not feel a thing during the procedure. The patient will be able to return to normal life within an hour after the procedure.
I do not understand why I had to be anesthetized entirely for removal of one tooth. I could not function for not just one day but felt light-headed for the whole week.
Worse, the other wisdom teeth bugged me in November before Thanksgiving. That's right. I had them removed by the same surgeon through the same anesthetization s**t before the holiday when people were happily eating. Thankfully on the black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving), Alex accompanied me to King of Prussia, the Pennsylvanian town where the biggest outlet on the East Coat is.

Since then, I received many dental bills because I identified a dentist to take care of me. The dentist was from Poland. She had a very strong accent. She liked to talked to me while I was unable to reply with my mouth wide open. She liked to asked me questions requiring answers that could not be accomplished by nodding or shaking my head.
She was very detail-oriented. She would spend two hours in tooth washing or until I could not feel my jaw.
She provided me cherry-flavored anti-bacteria-related jell on my gum. She gave me samples of mouth wash, toothbrush, and toothpaste.
She reminded me of dentist visits every month by mailing me a card. She would say "You have $1000 to spend each year covered by your insurance. Do not waste it." But I really preferred not to visit her more than once a year.

I have stopped seeing a dentist since I moved to New Jersey. My postdoc insurance did not cover dentistry.
Which reminds me that I should find a dentist soon because now my new insurance covers it.
Yeah... America is weird in its health insurance systems.

In spring 2007, I discovered that my immune system hates pollen. I sneezed in non-stop for two days during the move to New Jersey and flew back to Taiwan for a month. When I was back to the States, it was summer without allergy attack.
The allergy attack came back on time in spring 2008. I named it GBM.
This year the seasonal allergy was bad too, but I did my best to survive from it without taking medication. Well... in fact I was too lazy to get drug, and I was thinking "I am going to Florida and Taiwan in May. It is summer there." However, in some nights, I failed to fall asleep because my sinuses were congested. I prayed for rain.

Superstar made me to have a mask on during the plane ride to Taiwan. Although I refused to wear a mask in New Jersey on the request of Mama, I obeyed Superstar and wore an N95 mask for 17 hours of flying, not comfortable at all. In Taiwan, up to May, all cases of the H1N1 virus carriers were travelers coming from New York, especially Queens. We were flying from JFK. Superstar cared so I had to care because I care about what he cares.
I did not get the flu but got a diarrhea for a week. This had happened once several years ago. My digestion system seems to prefer America even though my skin loves Taiwan.

To take care of myself, I apply skin lotion and cream as often as possible. I also do pap smears and check vision every year. I also talk to Kim if I am not feeling well. How convenient to have a physician friend so close by.
Actually I have several physician friends in Taiwan. Oh those days back in college finally are paying off. I could email friends to find Taiwanese doctors for Mama and grand parents. Even my boss knows a Taiwanese psychiatrist (her previous trainee) who has recommended neurologists for Mama.
Now I am a believer in Chinese medicine, meaning I will need friends in this field to guide me. Luckily, friendships since college years last. Little North is becoming a practitioner in Chinese medicine. Ching is studying acupressure. I am covered.

Exact descriptions are not needed to reserve my historical events. Just medical conditions or photographs are enough to cue past episodes. Blog entries help too.
Take care, you all.
Take care.

stay up

Up is yet another great Pixar film.
As usual, after seeing the movie I went to imdb for more information. I found the following and couldn't help but admire nerds out there:
"If Carl's house was approximately 1600 square feet, and the average house weighs between 60-100 pounds per square foot, it weighs 120,000 pounds. If the average helium balloon can carry .009 pounds (or 4.63 grams), it would take 12,658,392 balloons to lift his house off the ground. (20,622 balloons appear on the house when it first lifts off.)"

I need a balloon to lift each eyelid. I need 20,000 balloons to lift Mr. M off the earth and away from my planet. Mr. M is a nerd type that could never induce fondness from me.
Jet lag is one of the worst things in the world. Another worst thing is to hear Mr. M the IT mumbling in my personal space, which is the entire hall way where my cubicle locates. I have tried to stay calm with him since the first week of my postdoc career (for example).
Today as I was fighting drowsiness while working, Mr. M came over and demanded my computer for 30 minutes. He claimed that he needed it for a Microsoft update.
Instead of saying "Can you see I'm busy?", I replied "Do you have to do it now?"
"No, not really. Hm... let me check one thing." He reached over and took a look into the system, realizing that my computer had been updated automatically. "Oh, I don't need your computer."

Why didn't you check so before demanding my space?
Why couldn't you disappear?
Why are you staying next to my cubicle and talking to J without noticing that he does not want to talk to you and I do not want to listen to you?

Mr. M told J that Cantonese was the second most spoken Chinese language next to Mandarin. Mr. M also stated that, as-a-matter-of-fact-ly, I was Japanese.
I was like... oh if you were so knowledgeable, how come you didn't know my first name was a super popular Chinese name, meaning that I am Chinese?
J avoided him by asking him to ask me since I was there a cubicle-separator away.
"No, you are wrong." I said without emotion.
"Really? Does China mean 'united'?" He asked another question.
"No, it does not. China, the English word, has nothing to do with the Chinese name of the country, which does not mean 'united' either."
"But the blah blah blah says.."
"No, it is wrong."
"But my ex-girlfriend, who is Chinese, told me that ...." He kept saying, and I zoned my mind out of his voice. Girl friend? Who wants to be your girl friend? Does the girl know she was your girl friend? How about your current girl friend? Have you met her in person? Does she know you are her boy friend?

Somehow, being disgusted by Mr. M made me awake.
I felt horribly drowsy all day yesterday, but stayed in office till regular hour today.

Oh, God of Balloons, please fly Mr. M away from me.
Also, go see Up. Go see all Pixar films. They are awesome!