傷心事

她淚眼汪汪，這是第二次讓我撞見，她依然推說這是過敏反應。
我也是容易過敏的體質，今天的空氣品質可是很好的呢，炎炎夏日，有風，沒有花粉，沒有煙塵，也不是動物換毛的季節，這藉口實在太沒有說服力了。
我於是走進她辦公室，問 "Need a hug?"
街上常遇到身上掛著 "FREE HUG" 的年輕人，但是去擁抱他們的人不是很踴躍，像我這麼三八又愛抱抱的人都沒去抱過那些似乎在推銷熱情的陌生人。
今天我主動出擊了，珍妮點了一下頭，就在我懷裡哭了。我不是陌生人。

在我的工作環境裡，常常有陌生人告訴我很私密的事情，他們是中風病人或是病人家屬，都是很脆弱的人，我聽我點頭，我說 "我不能體會你的感受，因為我真的沒經歷過你正在經歷的事情，我很抱歉你這麼這麼不好受。"
如果自我介紹說我是神經認知心理學家，有些病人或是家屬就會很積極的問我腦傷可能怎麼影響他們的腦功能 (所謂認知是腦功能的一部份，包括空間感，時間感，五官知覺，語言，學習，記憶，注意力，動作控制，音樂能力，邏輯能力，人際相處等等），有些人還會記下我介紹的科普書。積極尋覓知識的病人通常都復癒的比較好，憂鬱的病人往往離康復的目的地非常遙遠。

當察覺同事難過的時候，我第一個反應通常是假裝沒看到，希望他們認為自己故作堅強的本事是很高超的。如果我拆穿他們，他們可能會很窘會更難過。再讓我看到一次，我就會私下去關懷一下。
個性使然嗎？經常有同事一進我辦公室就關上門，說要我跟說些我絕對要保密的事情。我的助理甚至拉我到遠離實驗室的房間，熱淚盈眶的說她的傷心事。我現在有好多人的秘密啊...　我聽我點頭我說 "我不能體會你的感受，因為我真的沒經歷過你正在經歷的事情，我很抱歉你這麼這麼不好受。"

珍妮的眼睛哭得太紅腫，掛著墨鏡跟我一起在中庭用餐，同桌的另外兩個同事不知所以，珍妮說她過敏，我笑說她對陽光過敏，珍妮接著說吃過什麼抗過敏的藥，Donnis and Malica 也附和起來說他們吃過什麼牌子的藥，聊到別的話題，笑笑鬧鬧一陣，回到辦公室珍妮的眼睛已經不紅了。
她表現的很專業，一樣準時上下班，一樣認真處理她的業務，我看得有點心疼。不過，上班工作跟同事哈拉其實是有療效的，她暫時不用面對那個傷心事。

我過得不錯，不只是還好而已，已經很久沒有太傷心的事了。
Time heals every wound. If you don't have health insurance, get a watch.
笑一個，就離傷心的核遠一點了。

shitty day

It is one of those days that I feel like shit, and I should have just stayed in bed the entire day.
However, it does not just happen today. It has been a process piling up shitty things, and boom today I got hit.

Let's blame the weather first. This summer is so unbearable. Roasted in the car. Frozen in the office. Burned under the sun. Drowsy under the shade. My hermit crab Bully 小霸王 was found bathing in the water dish when I came home today.
I usually did not mind the heat. But I did not sleep enough last night, and I am going through those days when the stomach area is cranky. My head feels spinning. A few hours ago I was wondering whether it was really a good idea driving 40 minutes to see a patient. I decided to give a try.

I liked this patient. He made me feel that I am doing something important. I did not want to re-schedule him or stand him up. If I did, he would have taken it very personally and depressed. When a person is so smart and successful professionally, he/she easily gets depressed after a stroke. This patient was a successful man, and his weight symbolizes his wealth. I arrived there and found nurse aides to transfer him from bed to chair. It took four people and a lifting machine to complete the transfer. At this point, I could not back up and have to give it a try unless everyone's effort was wasted. A smile was always on my face, covering my cosmetic-free expression.
I took the patient to a big room with sunshine. The session started. After 30 minutes, he was so frustrated by his performance that he got a headache and he wished not to continue. I respected his decision and calmed him down. He kept apologizing to me, and I kept saying that it was alright.

I keep saying to many people that everything is alright. Earlier today my assistant dropped me a news, and I smiled and accepted it and could not help but begin to plan the next step. My boss threw me "suggestions", and I replied with "thank you and I will definitely do them." The to-do list is getting longer, and ... ha! I just thought of something, and opened up the work email, and sent a message to follow up a project. My head is so occupied with work and headache. I tell myself that everything is alright.

It is one of those shitty days that I feel shitty but I cannot show it. I could not even roll my eyes... I am toooo nice. Damn. Even the paying machine did not sense a touch... and made the easy 4-item purchase at the Eden Garden feel like waiting in line in a Walmart. Damn the headache and everything makes it worse!
Oh, everything will be alright.


p.s. Hermit crabs were fighting last night. Bauy 小寶 the new guy and the smallest (half size of the others) was threatened by Tiger 小虎, who was intimidated by Bully 小霸王. I watched them too late. They were amazing creatures. Perhaps they felt shitty too, being trapped in a transparent tank where the outside world looks so big but they cannot reach it.