十二歲

紐約的公共廣播電台最近有一個新的系列節目叫做 ”being 12", 記者訪問在紐約地區十二歲的孩子們, 他們在做什麼想什麼用什麼.

所以我最近上下班的時候, 聽著電台就在想那個時候的我. 1992 年初到年底...... 

那時我剛愛上劉德華. 我會去電影院看所有他主演的電影, 那時候的他甚至到現在都是電影主角... 歲月饒過了他. 歲月饒過認真保養的人.

我也會背他當時所有的歌曲, 包括國語和粵語. 

他是我當時白日夢的寄託, 因為我的真實生活並不是很順遂. 我開始踏入升學的壓力, 忽然發現我的身世背景跟全班同學最不門當戶對, 發現友情是一件奇妙的事情, 對愛情很懵懂, 對親情很複雜...

那一年, 跟我走最近的一個同學轉學. 不過, 友情長在, 到現在還跟她有聯絡.
我有時候會想為什麼一直跟她保持聯絡, 尤其是我跟她的生活圈一直很少有交集, 或許就是因為我跟她的生活圈一直很少有交集. 她跟我說的事情我沒地方去八卦, 我跟她說事情在她的人際關係裡沒人在乎. 我們有類似的價值道德觀, 我們不會批判對方行為的對錯, 我們都是很好的傾聽者.
不過我沒跟她說過她曾是我的 girl crush, 我剛認識她沒多久就開始嚮往她的人生, 她擁有好多我沒有卻好想要有的東西. 她很有女人味很有異性緣, 她有一對相愛相扶持的父母, 她去過好多國家, 她有好多電影票和演唱會門票. 我跟到的那些公關票, 我學她的穿著打扮, 我當她出去約會的電燈泡. 十二歲的我, 還沒找到自己.

那一年, 應該是那一年, 第一次有個男生說要親我.

我們那一屆好像是第一屆還是第二屆男女合班, 十二歲的我們情竇初開, 開始有地下班對, 開始有誰跟誰出去約會, 誰跟誰牽手, 誰坐在誰大腿上, 誰寫情書給誰, 誰是誰的第三者. 那時候真的是... 天真無邪到用星座血型來評斷誰跟誰配對. 

那個男生沒有親到我, 不過他有牽到我的手. 我當時還在暗戀另一個人, 從我十一歲的時候就暗戀的對象. 那個時候, 一年像是一輩子一樣長.

應該也就是那一年, 我跑到文具店去找離婚證書. 沒得買呢! 所以我爸就自己手寫一份. 十幾年之後, 我出國留學之後某一年回到那文具店, 發現他們賣離婚證書了.

我從七八歲的時候就知道我父母的婚姻很有問題, 直到十二歲那年終於受不了他們老是用 "為了小孩" 當藉口而繼續折磨對方, 於是我要他們離婚. 這些對話是怎麼發生的, 我不太記得了, 我只記得從此以後我跟麻嗎變成比母女更親近的關係.
我記得我跟我暗戀的對象說我父母離婚的事情, 他盡然好像心有戚戚焉地想要安慰我, 說他父母也在鬧離婚, 他了解我的心情. 那時我才知道我的心情沒有不好, 我覺得離婚對大家都好. 我才知道他一點都不了解我. 暗戀是一件很難熬的事情啊...  

那一年, 還發生一件很重要的事情, 我答應麻嗎我十點鐘才上床睡覺. 之前我都是九點鐘關燈就寢, 現在我可以九點去洗澡, 九點半看港劇, 十點睡覺. 我對流行的東西很晚熟, 完全錯過小虎隊直接跳到四大天王; 完全錯過日劇, 直接看港劇. 

我並不一定一上床躺好就睡著. 在睡著前那段幾十分鐘裡是我最自由自在的時間, 我會幻想我是一個電影明星或是一個全世界矚目的人, 然後我的家人同學們老師們是怎麼樣的對我另眼相看, 然後我假裝我的英文很好, 然後我跟我自己演一齣只有自己知道的戲碼. 我從十二歲的時候就什麼事情都往心裡藏, 因為我那時就覺得自己跟大多數的人格格不入.

十二歲的人都覺得自己很不一樣吧, 這是一個很奇妙的年紀, 就好像這廣播節目的副標題：The Year Everything Changes. 節目裡被訪問的好多孩子們也正開始崇拜偶像, 跟風流行音樂, 分界誰跟誰一卦, 初嚐青澀的愛, 所以我的十二歲跟現在的十二歲沒有太大的不同. 

到了現在, 我覺得我先老了才變年輕的, 我先悲觀過好久, 見識過好多, 才變成豁達的我. 

活胡同

我的人生有幾段似乎相連好像又可以無關的篇章. 有一兩個篇章, 常常在夢裡出現. 應該說, 篇章裡的人在夢裡出現.
是我在想念他們嗎？還是, 我在想念那些時光？

我最熟悉的台灣流行歌曲大多是 1992 - 2001 十年間出版的. 如今偶爾聽到, 記起來不只是旋律歌詞, 還有當時的人, 發生的事, 甚至說過的話.
然後到了美國之後, 幾首英文歌曲似乎是強化某些篇章. 偶爾聽到也是莫名其妙得被推進當留學生的回憶裡.

記憶不是事實, 每回想一次, 事實被曲解得越多, 回憶就越變成你想要的事實.
這是個活的胡同, 越鑽越推就, 回憶就越美化或是越醜化.
即使我都理性的知道大腦就是這樣運作的, 但是我還是會想去解釋去拼湊偶爾想起的片段, 然後問自已我是不是還念著誰？他們念著我嗎？他們回憶裡的那些片段跟我的一樣嗎？
我好想要知道他們是不是也念著我！我要不要 FB 他們？想辦法知道他們現在在做什麼, 想辦法知道他們變成什麼樣子了. 要這樣做嗎？其實, 我真的念著他們嗎？不過就是一首歌一個夢, 我不念著誰, 我只是還記得. 記得跟想念是有差異的.
應該就是這樣吧？對嗎？想太多只是自尋煩惱.

然後我又繼續過我的日子, 直到下一次我又夢到什麼我又聽到哪一首歌.
十幾年之後我會怎樣想起現在？我到時候會念著現在的誰？不, 是記得.

健康自己保

來美國滿十二年了, 住過三個州, 搬過六次家, 每搬一次家就重新復習我的個人美國史.
看病記錄是最寫實的, 翻閱這十幾年來的病史, 我小小的安慰自己有在照顧自己.

今年我第一次去找一個家庭醫師做徹底的生理檢查 (physcial exam), 也就是台灣說的體檢.
而且從此之後, 我有醫生了. 在美國, 如果你去看專科醫生, 你都會被問 "Who is your primary physician?“  這是在台灣生活沒有的經驗, 在美國每個人都要有自己的醫生. 現在我有囉. 既然我三十多歲才有自己的醫生, 我必須要他認識我, 所以我帶著我所有的病史去看他.
把自豪的資料整理能力, 用在病史上就用器官症狀分類, 按照時間順序排好. 在台灣做過的手術就寫在 google drive 裡, 醫生的每一個問題我都有完整的答案.

今天我本來要去做一項追蹤檢查的 procedure (中文怎麼說?), 因為是侵略性的, 所以我給自己心理建設了一下... 但是還是不是很開心. 我帶著我的相關病史, 想說可以給專科醫生一個依據在哪裡下針. 結果好在我整理的多年病史說服了醫生, 我四年前做過了一樣的 procedure, 現在不用在同一個部位再做一次. 即使做了, 結果不大可能有變化. 我鬆了一口氣, 除了省了一筆錢, 我省了擔心. 我的痛覺太敏銳...  

我在兩個月之內去看完所有該做的檢查: 體檢, 皮膚科, 眼科, 牙科, 婦科, 還有所有相關的追蹤檢查. 應該是把我今年可以用的醫療資源都用完了...
 
知道自己健不健康是很踏實的事情, 像是在收集自我肯定的數據, 也是在客觀地認識自己的身體. 要好好活在當下的前提是要健康的活在當下 :)  共勉之

good bye, hoboken

I locked myself out tonight when doing laundry. This was the first time ever since Oct 2011 when I moved in to this apartment. I have two locks on my door. The top one is a deadbolt lock and the bottom is a knob. They share the same key. Normally, I kept the knob unlocked so when I left the apartment with the door came closing itself up, the door was kept unlocked until I manually locked the deadbolt.
Okay now, for more than two years, every time I went downstairs for laundry, I always carried the laundry basket and allowed the door to close behind me without carrying my keys. Tonight I did the same as usual. However, at the moment when the door closed, I was like .... shit!

Earlier today a guy called me, telling me that he came to my apartment to fix the heater. He got the key from the landlord.
Last week after I told the landlord that I was moving soon, the landlord came for inspection and took a set of my keys. When he took the keys, he tried on the locks and asked me why the knob was kept unlocked. I said "for my convenience." Right there, he told me he preferred both locks were locked when no one was in the apartment.

Alright fast-forward to this evening when I came home, I found both locks were locked. I used the same key to unlock both and opened the door.  Only until the door closed behind me later tonight, did I realize that the knob may have been in the position of "automatic lock itself when the door closes itself." But the realization came totally too late!!!  I locked myself out of my apartment.

How ironic! One week before I moved out I was locked out of the apartment.  The first night when Superstar and I moved in (yes, more than two years ago), Superstar went out for taking dinner while I was unpacking. When he came back, he found out that he was locked out while I was locked in because the deadbolt was damaged.  Unfortunately, the bolt was broken in pieces, being stuck inside the door frame. At that time, the knob was totally broken and dysfunctional. Superstar could not turn the key to move the bolt and thus unable to open the door, and I could not turn the switch from inside the apartment to open the door either. That was a Friday or Saturday night when no locksmith was working. Superstar worked magic and dismantled the lock, leaving a hole on the door. I gave him a hair pin and sticking tape, shedding some light through the hole with a flashlight. He did remove the bolt from the door frame. Oh my. I thought that was too exciting for the first night of moving in with my boyfriend. The next day, the landlord came and installed the current deadbolt and knob locks on my door.

Now I was locked out because of the stupid knob lock. With 10 degrees outside and with my indoor outfit, I went to the backyard, which was covered with deep snow, and I tried to reach high for the fire escape ladder. I was hoping to pull it down so that I could climb into my apartment. With my socks and no gloves, I stood on a wobbly chair with my wobbly legs and tried to reach as high as possible. I was a failure.
So I went upstairs, knocking doors of my neighbors, but no one was home. Who would be home on a Friday night? Then I went back to the backyard with a broom stick in the hope of reaching the hooks of the ladder.  No use.  But this time I noticed that my first-floor neighbor, a hair salon, was lighted. I locked her door. She was there! She helped me with a stool and a long swiping stick.  At this moment I remembered that my rain boots were outside my door. I did not have to stand in snow with just socks. So I put on my boots, and the salon owner held the stool for me so that I could stand up straight and high with a great confidence. But when I looked up to the ladder, I wondered if it would fall down on me when I pulled. What if I could not handle the weight of the iron fire-escape ladder!? I was making myself insane.
Anyway I pulled and pulled. The ladder was fixed still there and not coming down! I was so frustrated. "Let's call the landlord," I said. I knew the salon owner had the landlord's number.
She made the call for me. The landlord said the technician who had inspected the heater earlier today was still in Hoboken. He could come over in 3 minutes. Oh thank you, whatever up there!
This whole drama lasted for about 45 minutes. I knew it because that was the time for my laundry to be done in the washing machine.

Oh I love the hair salon owner. She is a nice lady with a sincerely friendly manner and good taste in flower arrangement at her windows and our front yard. I will thank her once more before my move next weekend. Yes, I am moving out of Hoboken.

I came to Hoboken in the summer 2009, two months after I got the real job. I picked Hoboken because it was close to Manhattan, one PATH station away. In addition, PATH runs 24 hours. I picked an apartment on the first street because it was very close to PATH. However, the first couple nights proved how bad my decision was. My apartment was on top of a popular Irish pub with dancing music. My landlady owned both the pub and the apartment. For some lazy reason, I stayed there for two years before moving to the sixth street with Superstar. I have been a resident of Hoboken for more than 4 years now.

Last summer Superstar moved away for his PhD education. Since then I felt uneasy and wanted something for myself. I was almost angry at myself for not being able to change the current situation. When Superstar and Mama kept telling me to save money for the future, I wanted something for the present and not something forcing me to live for the future. I had a breakdown in front of Superstar's relatives: I yelled in front of them in a nice restaurant that I wanted to live for now, not for the future! Right there I knew I needed an immediate intervention by myself. I was driving myself crazy. No one could help me. As usual, I figured that I am the most important supporter for myself. Of course, this time Superstar provided his support, which I truly appreciated. I didn't tell Mama until I signed the lease.

I have wanted to live in Manhattan since 2001, when I started watching Sex and the City. Now I reached the age of the characters in Season 3. And I knew I am capable of financially supporting myself in Manhattan. I wanted to move in to the city now!
The motivation was strong and was ready to be realized. However, the final kick came from a series of events happening at the end of 2013 and the beginning of 2014, all irrelevant to my life, but lives of people very close to my heart. A good friend failed yet again in conceiving a child. Another good friend's husband suddenly walked out on her around the time before their first anniversary. A coworker suddenly lost her husband in her arm in their home on my birthday.
And I was like... life is right now. I want to move to Manhattan now even if I am spending all my monthly income without saving as much as I was expected to. Superstar and Mama's expectation can be suffocating sometimes only because I do care about their opinions on how I run my life.

The weekend Superstar and I came back from Taiwan in early January, I looked for an apartment and found one both he and I like very much. I signed the lease two weeks ago. We are going to have a new home.
So, good-bye, dear Hoboken. 99% of the picture I took in Hoboken was at the riverside, looking over to Manhattan. Soon I am going to be in Manhattan, possibly looking over to Hoboken if I have a chance. I will miss the Art, Music, and Italian Festivals, the friendly city hall workers, the fireworks, the local restaurants, and the view at the river.

不知足

十幾歲的時候, 我夢想長大之後要當教授.
後來知道教授的工作內容不太人性化, 而且教授缺難等, 我更改了夢想, 覺得全職研究人員也是不錯的, 只要專心作研究, 不用教書不用帶學生不用管行政.
後來真的變成全職研究人員, 外加教授的職稱, 才知道我要教書要帶學生要管行政, 雖然工作環境不在一般研究大學裡, 教學的對象大多是已經有大學以上或是碩士以上學歷, 但是我的工作內容跟我的夢想的確是有一大段落差. 有的時候都不知道我在忙什麼, 為什麼而忙碌. 行政工作和研究工作的分界原來是很模糊的, 偶爾還要兼公關.

好幾次, 我想重新再來過, 改做其他事情. 做什麼呢?  我又在發夢了...
慈善非營利機構做人道工作?  我已經在慈善非營利機構了！
我發表的論文也從純認知心理學跨到半醫學社會人文類, 似乎可算是我對人道工作的間接貢獻.

我好想要到處旅行, 那就發夢換個需要旅行的工作.
因為學術研討會和學術訪問, 我其實還滿常飛來飛去的... 而且我常依照開會地點來決定要不要參加會議... 
下個月, 整個月, 我要去德國 Tuebingen 參與一位教授的研究團隊. 除了我喜歡這位教授的研究內容和方法,我選擇這個小鎮是因為我的多年好友 Zabeth 住在那裡.

所以說, 其實多多少少我已經落實夢想. 誰每天都稱心如意呢? 如果一個工作天裡有 50% 是純粹的開心, 就真的令人滿足. 這包括八小時的好眠, 和四小時的工作成就感 (e.g., 寫完兩頁的 Discussion).
我要學會知足, 可是每次達成目標後, 我都會有點失落, 我就是要找事情做.
人生就是不停的發夢, 不停的追夢.

下一個夢, 我想要住在我愛的人身邊. 紐約或是台北. 然後我可以繼續做入世的研究, 繼續邊旅行邊工作.