House of Love

Jan 31, 2005

He grabbed my phone and entered the number with the name "House of Love". He thought it was a sexy joke. However, I did not know the band. I did not know it was a joke.

I did not know many things apparently.

The number has been canceled two months before we are leaving the house, leaving State College. But the number is still in my phone with the name "House of Love". It is still in the memory.


Tears have started coming into my small eyes since a day ago. I wish they were the outcome of my newly developed allergy.
Obviously they are not. They are out of control and flowing down my face in many unpredictable moments.
This actually happened once. It was five years ago when I was leaving Taipei to State College.

In the first year, like every international student I know, I disliked State College as a place to have a life.
Gradually, I actually have built a nice life here. In particular, friendships. And of course, a relationship.
All become evidence that, in a foreign country with a foreign language, I did not lose my ability to love and to be loved.

Keys were returned. Data in computers were deleted. Accounts were canceled. Addresses were changed.
Directions to food and ID offices were printed out. Things were moved to my new destination.
I am almost ready to go.
But I have to wait for the day that I actually leave. I am waiting, waiting to say goodbye.

Some unknown mechanism in my body decides to put me into sleep in random hours for random periods. These days I could sleep 10 hours at night, 1 to 3 hours in the afternoon, and some short naps in the morning. Coffee and dark chocolate show no effect to keep me awake. It really is an efficient way to kill time while waiting.

"I cannot see anyone now." I told Zabeth, and tears were running down again.
"Oh, don't be sad."
"No, I am not. I am excited." My face got totally wet.
So another mechanism decides to make me embarrassed. All I could do is cry, and hunger stops existing.
(Well... the fact that I stop eating may be a good preparation for me to go home for the summer.)


I can never finish packing the last box in the house of love. But I have to.

my turn

A professor asked me for help from the Chinese community. I replied to him that I have not been very active in the community, which is not true.
The truth is that I have never been active in the Chinese community except for my first year. These girls in the picture are, at this moment, the only Taiwanese girl friends I have in State College.

Actually, I am not close to Dai-Tzen (the girl in white) at all. And Miya has left State College since last summer. In fact, Alex is the only Taiwanese girl -- technically she is American -- I hang out with.

How many close Taiwanese girl friends have I had in the States?
First year: Jenny (roommate)
Second year: Yi-Jin and Amy
Third year: Chun-Yi (roommate) and Alex
Forth year: Alex and Miya
Fifth year: Alex

See? Not many.
I have seen people come and go. Now it's my turn.
Next year, it's Alex's.

It is always a myth for me why Asian students like to flock together ALL THE TIME.
There are so many different people on campus to be friends with. The fact that I speak Chinese does not mean that I have to befriend with Chinese-speaking people. You are my friend because I like who you are, not because of your native language.

Friends helped me moving yesterday.
It was something.
I had never rented a truck and traveled 250 miles with furniture.
This could've never happened if I did not have them. Thanks to Marc, Zabeth, Alex, Steve, and Vivien.
The day before the move, Justin threw a party, which was very successful.
I will miss all the parties in Justin's place.
I will miss my party people.
It is my turn to be a "grown-up" and say goodbye to my student life.

exit from pain

"I hope the leaving is joyful and I hope never to return."
~Frida Kahlo's last words

I cannot recall in which anthropologist's house I saw this painting.
Standing in front of it for long, I did not know of Frida Kahlo. I felt pain.

Last night, I watched the best movie I've seen this year. Released in 2002, Frida is a master piece.

Learning her life, I can never say how much I have suffered. No one I know of is a greater survivor than she was. Her body and soul were so in pain but she always brought power of life into space.

Her story and the colors in her story were unique because of her. Frida Kahlo is unique.
She is an artist, a thinker, and a completely strong character on her own feet without being attached to her gender, ethnicity, polio, bus accident, or her husband Diego Rivera.
She was born independent.
She was not replaceable. She is not.

acknowledgement

I do not have a lucky number or a favorite number.
I do not think it is some necessary trait for me.

A minute ago, I was writing my new address. My new apartment number is 7.

Really? I asked myself. I hesitated before pressing the key 7.
The place I am staying has the number 7.
The place my car is sleeping every night has the number 7, too.
(My parking spot is totally not associated to my landlord.)

I checked and confirmed that yes, 7 is the number.

Oh, my cell phone number contains three 7's too.


Humans are fascinated by a series of coincidence.
I am happy to confirm that I have this human characteristic.
(Me, nodding)

to americans

(I also wrote a less-subjective article titled "Proof of God's existence and rational thinking" on Helium)

What is God?
God is a concept that there is a power so great that it governs everything in the universe and even beyond the universe (where no human can imagine).
What are Gods?
Gods are characters that exist with everything else in the universe, and somehow they have greater ability than humans to control their existence and surroundings.

What is a belief?
A belief is a subjectively strong idea that is not necessarily supported by any physical or concrete evidence.

I do not believe in the idea that there is only one God. I do not really believe in Gods either. However, if there must be super-nature powers, I will believe in Gods.
Why? My reason is the same reason for people who believe in the one God. It is purely a belief.

I am ok that there are people who do not agree with me. It is totally acceptable.
I respect religions that promote humanity, goodness, and tolerance.

I respect European Christians but not American Christians, because the latter does not promote humanity, goodness, and tolerance. American Christians are not ok that there are people who do not agree with them. Why can’t they loosen up?

American Christians promote what they think is right, which is similar to other religious groups. I am fine with it.
American Christians think they can rule everything, which is also similar to some other religious groups. I am fine with it.
American Christians think they are so empowered by God that they are so superior to anyone else that they are isolated in their narrow-minded little universe called Heaven. This is unique to most other religious groups. This convinces me that I am not going to be one of them in my life time.

I had a friend until he said that he felt sorry for me because I would not go to heaven. I am happy to be any where except for the place he called heaven with him.
This same ex-friend also said that only Christians would do something selfless for nothing in return, while non-Christians always ask for something in return before committing to charities. I was shocked by this remark. Who instilled this idea into his scientific Ph.D. head? I was speechless and hoped that he could seek for help from a clinical psychologist. (As a cognitive psychologist, all I could do is not to talk to him anymore.)

In my opinion, all the conservative Christian leaders in the US should see a clinical psychologist and figure out why they are so blind to human nature and so in denial to the beauty of diversity of humans and other creatures.

Okay, God creates humans if it is believed so deeply.
However, Christians do not have to deny scientific research in order to embrace this belief. They can simply adjust the belief to the version that God creates humans by first creating the universe that contains the earth that serves the nourishing crib for all the creatures, one of which evolved into the species of humans.
Why is this revision so difficult?
Because American Christians are not flexible.
If they are not flexible, why do they stop believing that the earth is flat and square, and that the sun goes around the earth?
They can be flexible, but they are too arrogant and too embarrassed to revise their thoughts to fit the fact.
Using Colbert’s word, they believe in the truthiness instead of the truth.

This is why I am so sick of American Christians.
Why can’t they happily live their lives and stop bothering other people who are happily living their lives? American Christians are judgmental in the worst way of its kind. If someone does something that violates their belief, they will try their best to condemn and eliminate those people. They are like Nazi.

This is actually ok. Their stubbornness is their business. I mind my own business and optimistically hope they only mind their own business.
I accept the fact that there are so many different religions, including Christianity, in the world.

What is not ok is the fact that the state and the church never are independent in the U.S. Church influences politics in such a great way that there is no freedom left if a citizen chooses not to believe in God or follow the most strict dogmas.

Take marriage for example.
It has nothing to do with religion. Two people get married and build a family, which is totally their decision and their personal affair.
For Christians, God gives permission for two people to be married. A messenger passes God’s permission and announces that two people are husband and wife.
I am not offended by the fact that conservative Christians do not approve same-sex marriages. I respect their belief. Any church can refuse to host a wedding for whatever reasons.

A marriage license issued by government, under this logic, should have nothing to do with religion. A government is not a church. God does not talk to people via a civil court.
Hence, I am offended that Christians do not respect my belief that any two people can get married if they want to, and if they want it to happen in any places other than a church.

And I am angry at the fact that the government does not approve same-sex marriages for religious reasons.
Why is the government following the definition of marriage that defined by conservative churches? Why is the government not following the definition of marriage that benefits all of its citizens including people who are not Christians?

American Christians are bullies. They beat anyone who does not follow their lead. They are not ignorant, but they are too arrogant to admit their mistakes, and thus they stick to their mistakes even more.
They demand respect from people whom they show no respect to.

There are American Christians who are much more liberal than ones that I described above. But they are so under-represented. Their voice is not heard. They are bullied. They do not want to degrade themselves to the conservatives’ level.
This makes me sad. Radical Christians are making the world into a huge war zone. They are not peace-makers. They want the world homogeneous in an artificial way.
Peace-makers and peace-keepers are desperately needed now. Different points of views and human populations should be acknowledged and not denied. Bullies have to be stopped.

I am asking you – sensible, liberal and educated Americans – to vote.
I am asking you to vote for an American who is not conservative or radical Christian. I am asking you to elect someone who understands the importance of separating church and state.

The fact that Americans are globally influential cannot be ignored. Taiwan is Americanized to many extents, for example. Christians in Taiwan mostly hold American Christians’ view.
The leaders in the U.S. are able to change many things outside the U.S. I am selfishly asking American voters to be selfless. I am asking American voters to choose someone great to their country and at the same time automatically great to the world.

Did you see “The Education of Shelby Knox” or “The God Who Wasn’t There”?
If so, tell me if there is any documentary out there that can change my view on American Christians.

自己看著辦

胚到沙龍去坐了一下（點選右欄的［女主人的沙龍］），那篇＂請不要對我負責任（加長版）＂讓我心有戚戚焉。

這半年來，有三個男性朋友突然跟我談心，我有點受寵若驚，即使我都說明了我不是心理醫生，我的專長是認知心理學，不是臨床心理學。換句話說，我不懂人格分析，我不懂心理諮詢，我的博士學位是專攻視覺注意力。所謂視覺注意力，跟學習障礙一點關係也沒有。三位朋友中的Ａ試圖要我告訴他怎麼樣能幫助他專心。他告訴我他有多麼清楚自己的弱點，知道自己的極限，但是他不知道該怎麼突破。
那三十分鐘裡，我幾乎忘了我曾經對Ａ有多反感，因為他追求過所有我認識的女性朋友（包括我在內），他有嚴重的［訊息解讀障礙］－－不知道委婉的拒絕是拒絕的一種。

然後是Ｂ。
我跟Ｂ一點都不熟，兩年多前曾經一起修過一門課，課後也沒有 hang-out，只是偶爾在校園裡遇到打個招呼，連朋友恐怕都稱不上。
有一次在咖啡廳遇到他。他跟我當時都在寫論文，所以有公幹話題，於是聊了起來。談論文寫作的過程是多麼費心費神費時費力，談找工作的過程是多麼心力交瘁，談工作簽證的細節是多麼刁蠻。
然後一天之後突然 email給我說有重要事情要跟我當面談。
他跟我說他喜歡某人，他跟我說他們之間的互動，他們吵了一架，那女生要他不要再騷擾她，他問我他該怎麼辦。

接著是Ｃ。
認識Ｃ是在我學 salsa 那年夏天，一年後我轉戰 tango，他開始嘗試 tango、swing 和所有的國際標準舞，不過他沒有特別專精的舞。
跳了一晚的salsa，Ｃ堅持要我留在他車上半個小時直到凌晨三點，要我給他意見。
他暗戀他的國標舞舞伴，他知道那女生並不對他傾心，他問我他該怎麼辦。

這些問題，他們真的需要我的意見嗎？
我不是很了解他們，我從未想要親近他們，他們知道問題在哪裡，他們幾乎可以脫口而出的回答那些問題，他們為什麼要我說什麼？

我一直是很好的聽眾，好到我討厭我自己－－因為我不懂怎麼要對方閉嘴，我曾經對著電話點頭說嗯兩三個小時，只為了當時那個朋友莫名奇妙想太多的心事。
所以我不再乖乖的傾聽，我選擇定時的打岔，我總是先問：你只是想要我聽呢？還是你真的真的需要我的意見？
這對我來說是人生很大的一步，大到跟因此跟某朋友刻意亂了線。
我就是不能再繼續當無聲的支持者。

Ａ、Ｂ、Ｃ三人都要我的意見，於是我給他們我的意見：

不要再蒐集意見了
不要再聽從任何人的意見了
我跟你不是很親，我不認識你的心上人，我看不透你的生活方式，我不能預測你的言行會造成的結果。
如果你需要我幫忙打氣，我說加油，你要對自己有信心。
如果你需要我的意見，我只能對你搖頭。

Ｂ不能接受我的表白，非要我說如果我是他，我會怎麼做。
問題是我不是他呀！
我不是男人，我不是印度人，我沒有收過［請不要來騷擾我］的email，我不認識那個褐髮美國女生。
我說：跟她攤開來好好講。
他說：不行，我沒有辦法接近她，她不接我電話不回我信。
我說：你知道她的辦公室在哪裡，選一個大白天，很多人走動的時間，你去找她。
他說：不行。我辦不到。
他說了幾次 "I can't" 之後，我無話可說，開始扯開話題。

Ａ跟Ｃ就對我比較理性，點頭良久之後都給我一個擁抱。
即使是很要好很親的朋友，我都不給意見了，何況這幾個不熟的男生，亂給意見、自以為我是專家會造孽的。
尤其是感情的事情，太私人了，千言萬語都難盡，我聽我不多說。

我也不接受朋友給的意見，因為感情的事情太私人了，千言萬語都難以描述事情的發生，難以表達今昔不定的情緒。
我自己看著辦就行了。
我在 Helium寫了一篇 "When you love Mr. Wrong" ，因為我相信沒有人可以判定一段關係，甚至是一段還沒確定的關係，是好是壞是錯是對，只有當事人了解，當事人要學著不聽旁人的多嘴。