屏東爺爺

「你已經死了！」我對著他說，「怎麼還在這裡？我朋友等一下就來了，」他無動於衷，坐在藤長椅上，炯炯有神的看著我，「爺爺，你至少應該是…. 很虛弱的吧。」
在他開口說話前，我醒了過來。
這是這半年來第 N 次了，屏東爺爺一再地出現在我夢裡。

我有兩個爺爺，一個在台北，一個在屏東。台北的爺爺覺得叫外公太見外，所以叫爺爺。屏東的爺爺，見到面的時候，叫爺爺，日常生活裡跟家人提及他的時候，他叫做「屏東爺爺」。

屏東爺爺在 1998 年的八月過世了。
死因：他把自己餓死了。
這是我人生重大的事件之一，影響的重大程度直至今日依舊，我依舊不願意皈依儒家。
外國人一直以為儒家思想是一種宗教，我們甚至有孔廟，對外國人來說這種偶像崇拜，就是一種宗教，更何況孔孟等聖賢立了許多教條，而且中華文化獨尊儒術數千年，人人從小背誦三字經倫語之類的文言文，像是基督教徒背聖經，只學不問的相信那些文字。
儒家思想是一種哲學，是一種思想，是一種我不想跟隨到底的教條。

小學的時候，每一年夏天，我都在屏東度過，爸爸媽媽說我是去陪爺爺，我倒覺得他們是把我丟到屏東去省得他們麻煩。
爺爺只有一條腿，應該說一條半，他的右腿（我跟麻嗎都不太確定爺爺是少哪一條腿，目前先依賴我的記性）在一場修公共電話的意外中截掉了，詳細情形只有他自己知道吧，總之那久遠年代的公共電話又大又重，身為電信人員的爺爺的腿被電話砸下，從我有記憶以來他只有三分之一個右小腿連在他的右膝蓋下。
他常常用他的「yakimo」右腿嚇孫子們作為娛樂。每天下午賣烤地瓜的小販會經過爺爺的巷子，喊著「yakimo」，如果我乖，爺爺就會買一個或是兩個給我。烤地瓜的皮黑黑皺皺的，還真有點像他的右小腿。

爺爺很少跟我玩，他有他的威嚴，我有我的膽怯，我不記得我跟他有多少的對話，我也似乎沒跟他撒嬌過，五六個夏天裡，每天過著一樣的生活。
爺爺在那一場意外之後似乎就提早退休了，我成為他退休無聊的生活裡的另一個無聊的元素。
早上天還沒亮，他騎著他的白色機車去公園運動，基本上就是甩甩手散散步，我幾乎都跟著他去，但是我待在操場旁邊的欄杆處跟自己玩，培養一覺醒來後就做白日夢的習慣。然後六七點左右，到市場買菜吃早餐，爺爺天天早上都吃一樣的麵，好大一碗湯麵，他每次都加好多好大湯匙的好辣的辣椒醬，證明湖南人多愛吃辣。有的時候，他還會叫鹹豆漿，鹹豆漿的意思就是豆漿放蔥花、打蛋、丟油條，還有好多好辣的辣椒醬。我呢，偶爾湯麵，偶爾乾麵，偶爾涼麵，偶爾滷肉飯，偶爾雞肉飯，偶爾飯糰。
離開市場前，爺爺會問我要不要大餅，我都會說要。雖然說台北的爺爺才是山東人，但是我喜歡上山東大餅是跟屏東爺爺學的。

早上的時光通常就是我待在三樓的房間裡做白日夢和寫暑假作業。嗯… 大部分是在做白日夢，我窩在被單裡想像著自己的童話故事。爺爺通常在客廳裡看平劇或是華視莒光日節目，有時他會坐在門外吹風，跟路過的鄰居台槓。

午餐都會很準時的在正午開飯，因為「天天開心」在十二點開演，我到現在還會哼天天開心的主題曲呢。半個小時之後，繼續看台視新聞，一點鐘看華視的「好彩頭」，一點半看中視的八點檔重播，所有潘盈紫的古裝片都是在暑假的時候看完的，「星星知我心」更是童年回憶的重頭戲。禮拜六中午還有「中國民間故事」可以看。

下午，二姑姑偶爾會來帶我出去玩，看電影、逛公園、有幾次跟著她和她男友去山地門或是海邊，但是我記憶所及的有限。
五點以前，我會跟我的綠色塑膠青蛙洗好澡，每天都泡澡泡到手腳皺皺的才願意爬出浴缸。五點開始看卡通看到七點鐘，有幾個夏天在六點半的時候就要把電視轉台權還給爺爺，因為他要看布袋戲或是歌仔戲。雖然說，台北的奶奶才是講台語的，但是我開始接觸台語文化是跟屏東爺爺學的。

晚餐配七點的新聞，接上八點的連續劇，我跟著麻嗎在台北的教誨，九點多或是十點以前一定上床睡覺。除非我在二姑姑家裡過夜，我會跟她一起看電視或是玩跳棋、大富翁到很晚很晚才睡覺。除非是禮拜三晚上，大街上有流動夜市可以去逛，爺爺或是二姑姑會買烤玉米給我吃。

屏東爺爺教我下象棋，二姑姑教我下跳棋和圍棋和玩大富翁。我喜歡表哥表姊也來屏東陪爺爺的幾個夏天，我可以玩大富翁很多次，可以不用一個人去公園玩，可以搶著最好吃的 yakimo，雖然他們喜歡講鬼故事嚇我，雖然我不喜歡表姊的紙娃娃。

我不喜歡屏東爺爺家，尤其是他的房間，因為牆上掛著很多相片：爺爺年輕時候的相片、爸爸當兵時的相片、麻嗎的婚紗照、漢漢的成名照（我弟弟最傑出的獨照，那是他還不會走路前，坐在溪頭賓館裡紅色沙發上，白白胖胖的臉和紅紅的小嘴），當然還有其他照片，不過我不記得了。我不喜歡房間裡有任何相片或是任何娃娃，我害怕有臉的東西… （這是自閉症的症狀，幸好我從三歲開始就不斷的證明自己在公開場合很會說話，推翻了自閉症的可能性）。
即使其他房間，我也不喜歡，因為有其他照片，尤其是三樓左邊的那間，陽光照不進去，牆上有一張好大的金瑞瑤海報，總覺得她在盯著我看。

九歲那年起吧，我總算沒在夏天時「回屏東」（「回」這個字一點都不正確）陪爺爺，不過改在寒假回去一個月，反正屏東總是夏季的天氣，記憶裡的我總是短褲脫鞋的樣子。只有在考高中的那年，我藉口要唸書而留在台北。
孤單的我在屏東的時候總是想著一個問題：為什麼總是我來陪他呢？他有五個小孩，有十個孫子，應該有更多天倫樂才對。難道身為長子的大女兒就要獨自扛著這個重擔嗎？
這一切都是麻嗎的錯！因為麻嗎敬愛爺爺，麻嗎覺得爺爺是個孤單的獨居老人，作晚輩的應該要去多陪陪他。這一切也是我的錯！因為我總是聽麻嗎的話，不吵不鬧，委屈自己吞。
其他人大概覺得我去陪他就夠了，既然有人自願，他們何必也一起浪費光陰。

那年，得知爺爺病了，一開始我以為是肝病還是癌症，爾然聽到爸爸電話裡跟某個姑姑的談話，才知道爺爺在絕食。
他老了，我長大了，已經不再每年回去一兩個月陪他，卻沒有其他自願者。他想要娶回奶奶，但是他的兒女們不允許；他甚至想過另找老伴，兒女們還是不允許；他巡迴過台北、台中、高雄，住過各個兒女的家，但是沒有人要留他。於是他累了，來個最後一搏奪取兒女的注意力，但是絕食絕過了頭吧，他沒力氣眷戀人世了。
起初，兒女送他進養老院，後來病情轉下，最孝順的二姑姑也放手了，於是他被轉到台北的養老院。

那天，麻嗎帶我去看他。
一進門，醫藥味和氧氣唧筒聲把我帶進另一個世界，我見到另一個人，他不是我的爺爺，而是一副皮包骨在上半身和下半身之間圍著超大尺寸紙尿褲。麻嗎說：「爸，我們來看你了。」
麻嗎是他最疼的媳婦，即使法律上她已經不是他的媳婦了。

在辛亥殯儀館裡，五個子女聚首，淚不太多，肅穆安靜，我一滴淚都沒留下。
卻在大姑姑哭天喊地的那一刻，我氣憤，我噁心，幾天後我認定孔孟思想的失敗。

在爺爺還健在的時候，他們極少關心他，爸爸幾乎不打個電話回家，除非麻嗎提醒他。在爺爺還健在的時候，他們只在乎自己有多恨奶奶，不讓她回來，卻不關心爺爺的孤獨和也不接受爺爺早已寬恕奶奶曾犯下的錯（天曉得是不是奶奶的錯導致她離家棄子？）在爺爺還健在的時候，他們以為我就夠了，卻不願意多花時間聽他說話。然後他走了，他們在靈前的每一句以「爸」開頭的話，我聽起來都是謊言。

親子關係也屬於人際關係，所有的人際關係都是互相的，我不再相信儒家所言的五倫是多麼不可違背，如果我感受不到長輩給我的愛，我為什麼要愛他們？如果他們沒有做任何值得尊敬的事情，我為什麼要繼續敬畏他們？如果兒女不付出關心，父母當然放棄關心。
從父母的婚姻到爺爺的葬禮，我從膽怯寡言的乖小孩到得理不饒人的好小孩。不到成年，已經看盡冷暖，我決定我要自己決定孔子的哪一句話才是值得聽的。

爺爺的髮是黑的，油油的從髮際梳到髮尾。
走路有點頗，因為義肢不挺舒服。
微凸的肚皮，看著電視的坐像，他在我夢裡就像我小時候的屏東爺爺。
不知道為什麼近來老是夢到他，麻嗎說因為他是真的關心我的，我說爺爺啊，走吧，我很好，麻嗎也很好，我們都學會了走自己要的路，多喜多悲都是自己選擇的，你就放心吧。

THE month

December again.
Meaning I am going to start saying a new number when my age is asked for, as finally all my dear friends already added one to their previous age. They, dear they, had fun in Taiwan, celebrating the great month of the year. Ah, December. Ah, I miss those years in Taipei, with them.
At the meantime, one of my new friends, Patria threw her B-day party in Zola. Her birthday is the same day as one of my old friends, Yellow. See? No matter where I am, I always meet someone alike, someone I like, someone who has the same birthday as someone.

Passion does not die as you get older. Passion simply changes.
Personality does not just change. Some aspects of it may fade away, and others may simply get stronger.

I am so in love with Tango or the so-called Argentine Tango, which is getting more and more popular in the United States, and very popular in Germany and France (according to my European friends who are also so in love with Tango.) The more I learn it, the more judgmental I have become. Yes, I love it and enjoy it and hate it when it is ruined by bad dancers or stupid ideas about how to learn it. OK, yes I am judgmental, honestly and frankly.
You go to YouTube.com and search for the key word “Tango”, and you’ll see how beautiful the dance is. One video name kinda caught my attention and immediately made me frown at it. The video was titled “tango lesson”. Oh come on, how can you learn to tango by watching a video? By watching a performance video? By watching a video taken in a tango lesson without verbal instruction and emphases? By watching a video that does not show how leaders lead by their chest?
A guy, whose name I do not want to reveal because he does not read my blog anyway, started learn how to tango several months ago. I like his enthusiasm but I do not like to dance with him. He gives no connection at all and thus hard to follow. I am fine with it because no matter what he is a beginner and I know how hard to be a leader in tango. What I cannot stand is the fact that he is teaching total beginners how to tango. I mean, are you kidding me? This person should take beginner lessons all over again himself.
This kind of things really annoy me. The Chinese saying is 誤人子弟 (Wrong education to others’ children), which is unethical. No wonder why most total beginners do not come back for more advanced lessons or are not triggered for more interest in tango.
There are of course bad followers too as I am learning how to be a leader. Dancing with different followers, I recognize how a bad follower can be. A gal, whose name I do not want to reveal for the same reason, always did something I did not lead her into. I was sure I did not change where my chest was facing, but she followed as turning and crossing her leg and maybe some more fancy stuff. Hush, woman. Listen to me, I am the leader.

I am not in love with politics. I think I will never be. Why? Because the ugly political environment in Taiwan. Ugly because many politics-unrelated issues can be soooo easily politicized. For example, evidence for “I love Taiwan” or against it. If the wife of Mr. President’s son does not have the baby in Taiwan, then it means that Mr. President will have a grandson who possesses double nationalities, or in other words, the grandson of Mr. President will be American. So what, I mean, really so what? It does not mean that this baby is not Taiwanese. It means, really, nothing. Nothing at all. Thousands of graduate students who study abroad also have a family in the country where they are studying. However, some stupid heads say “If she does not come back to Taiwan to have the child, then it means that she does not love Taiwan, meaning that her husband allows her to do that, meaning that her husband does not love Taiwan, meaning that Mr. President does not care whether his grandson is American, meaning that Mr. President does not love Taiwan, either.” Oh my god, what a crime. Poor the little wife is forced to get on the plane with an 8-month pregnant belly, flying home just to prevent her father-in-law from being judged as unpatriotic.
My reaction is WTF. Alright, Mr. President Chen has done something very wrong, and personally if I were in Taiwan during those days of the anti-bian movement, I might have donated my money and effort to ask for his resignation. Nevertheless, you cannot mix one issue with another. Not a single politician does not love Taiwan. All the social activities or movements are act of loving the country. The problem is that many simple behaviors are interpreted as being unpatriotic out of unreasonable reasons.
Well, politics in other countries are not better than Taiwan, either. By law, Americans who were not born in America cannot be the President. Give me a reason for this. The place one was born is so irrelevant.

I like wine and beer, especially when friends are educating me how to differentiate good from bad. But I cannot have much because I cannot digest alcohol. Yeah, this really sucks. It prevents me from having more than half a glass. It also prevents me from being drunk. Being drunk is not my fantasy anyway.
Car accidents are horrible. Judy’s mom got serious injured. Some undergrads in State College got killed.
Recently, several independent car accidents caused by DUI killed people. One case was that a drunk underage undergrad was almost killed by a drunk undergrad driver. The police was looking for the person who provided alcohol to the injured underage.
WTF again for me.
The person who provided alcohol to an 18-year-old adult is going to be punished. As if the 18-year-old had no brain or did not know the fact that he was not allowed to drink by law.
In Psychology experiments, we define a 18-year-old as an adult who can make his/her own decision, and therefore they can come to participate in our experiments without asking for their parents’ permission. In many legal practices, 18-year-olds are totally responsible for themselves.
How come drinking is so restricted? If something is taboo, something will happen even more often or to a more unreasonable degree.
For example, pornography is not legal in Taiwan but everyone that I know in Taiwan has seen it. Yes, me too. Everyone talks about it without a second thought in most casual social settings. Here in the States, porn is legal, but no one talks about it (perhaps Pennsylvania is not very liberal, but a college town usually is considered very liberal. So you can imagine how conservative it can be in most areas of America). Asian culture in general does not encourage sexual things in any contexts, but we are not afraid of talking about it or having intimate physical contacts in a supposed-to-be-sexy situation like dancing tango. Asians and Europeans drink various alcohols in various events, including family, friends, formal, and informal. It is not a taboo, and we are not crazy about getting wasted as being fun. Why do some young Americans set getting drunk as the goal of drinking?
Setting 21-yr-old as the legal age to drink is just amazing and puzzling for me. They waited and waited, and finally they are allowed to drink, and they lose control. They do not know how to appreciate high-quality alcohol or how to appreciate a party by being sober.

“There is not a country that is not partially fucked up.” Marc said. France has problems too. By law, a worker cannot work more than 35 hours a week, and the minimum salary is about 8 euro per hour. No wonder their industry is not able to catch up with many developed countries.
Many policies in different countries have been overdone.
Germany, according to Zabeth, has problems too. A new wave of racism is starting from the young generation. It is like a new version of Nazi that being blonde and blue-eyed is superior to others. Who on earth started this narrow-minded and totally illogical idea? Sophie is worried if Bryan can live in Germany because he looks too Mexican.

Having lived for one more year means that I have known something more and something new, and the result is I have become more and more judgmental. The things that I do feel happy about are things so purely joyful.

I like the air after snowing.
I like the tears when watching a great movie.
I like the sweat after practicing yoga.
I like the laughter when Marc & Zabeth hear my baby voice.
The 26th year of my life is going to pass. Thank you, mama, for giving me such a great life.
Thank you, all my dear friends, for enriching my life.
Thank you, all the annoying incidents around me and around the world, for letting me know myself even better.
Yes, I am judgmental.

mind or computer?

I was very disappointed in the annual meetings of Society for Neuroscience (a.k.a. SfN). I like neuroscientists who know what they are doing and try to explain what is going on in the brain. I do not like neuroscientists who think they know what they are doing and provide something useless to the universe of understanding human mind.
A typical useless report is like this: Oh, I scanned people while they were doing so and so tasks. And then bang! I found some and some brain areas activated. Those areas must be involved in performing the task.
I am like: so what?
Your people were alive and of course some of their brain areas were more active than others. But what does it mean?
Can you please tell me, based on your colorful neuroscientific images or data, what does attention mean? What does attention do? How does attention affect other mental functions? What can affect attention?
One presenter even used a task that did not related to attention and said it was an attentional task.

Now I know why only a very few people of cognitive psychology go to SfN. Five good posters among thousands and two good talk sessions among half hundred were totally not worthy for the pricey registration fee, flight tickets, and hotel room rates. At least I met people I had wanted to meet. At least I danced tango and disco.

A good neuroscientific study on mind has to start with psychological theories! This is such a basic starter.
Neuroscientific methods are just methods to understand mind. Neuroscience itself cannot be the answer. Many many questions cannot be answered by knowing neural circuits. And there are limitations for each so-called neuroscientific methods, which can only provide indirect hints. Sometimes I want to ask those people who believe neuroscience is the only way to study mind: What do you think mind is?


I wish I could answer how mind works by looking at my data. Oh I wish.

I did my first-year graduate study with eletrocephalography (EEG). This equipment detects and records brain waves from scalp. I mean, electrodes are attached to the scalp. The spatial resolution is coarse but the temporal resolution is great. That is, I can sample signals very very fast like almost online.
BUT that does not mean I can read someone's mind or brain. That just means if there is anything detectable, I can see it right after some brain activity has occurred.
(I cannot stand people who look at me and are afraid that I will read their mind. All I can read is: what a moron.)
What I want to say is: EEG research is not an easy thing to do. After my first-year project, I thought I would not touch it again.

Earlier this year, Michael the professor bought a high-density EEG system, which has 128 channels or electrodes. At that time, I was struggling what I could do for my dissertation. Toby suggested me to use that machine to test two theories on visual attention. I accepted the suggestion and got my proposal approved and started the looooooooong process of getting it done.
I had my IRB number (a number you need for running any experiment) way early in March.
Rick and Lyndsey worked on how to use Matlab to talk to Net Station, which took them the whole summer.
Programming is not easy, especially for people like us who are not full-time computer programmers. Net Station is the software of the EEG machine, which is operated in Mac. I insisted to use Matlab because my other experiments in the same project were in Matlab. Net Station by default is communicating in another language "E-Prime" which is not optimal for my research purpose. Anyway, Rick and Lyndsey figured out how to synchronize stimulus presentation on PC (the experiment stuff in front of my participants) and data recording on Mac.

Finally I thought everything was okay. I started to run pilots. See, there is an "s" after the word "pilot".
I thought one pilot was enough to see all the problems and to fix all the flaws. It turned out that I ran 3 pilots. Each time I found something unpleasant and fixed it. Those "something" were all about the hardware and software of computers. Computers are evil.
I learned that I should turn on three different machines in an exact order, otherwise I would need to restart all machines.
I learned that some commands in Matlab crashed Net Station.
I learned that the Mac hated me.

Seriously, the Mac could sense me that I am a PC user, so it failed on me from time to time with no sensible reason at all. Hey, I am a scientist. I have evidence for this hatred. Three incidences:

1. After my pilot study, I was nervous and tried to get things right, so I was being careful and prepared, so I went to the EEG lab earlier than usual to test the code. After clicking on the icon of Net Station, the software was initiated but the amplifier (for enhancing EEG signals) could not be detected or connected. I checked all the cables and connections, and nothing looked wrong. I restarted the machine, and the same error message was displayed. My hand started to get sweaty and my heart was jumping very fast. I went to Justin the lab manager for help. He came and touched cables and connections. Yes, he just touched them and did not change anything. Boom, things worked again. The Mac simply needed Justin's touch and did not want mine.

2. Then I collected data in a pretty smooth way. Zabeth helped me to apply the electrode net on participants. All participants were able to finish the experiment and followed the instruction. Zabeth became my perfect EEG partner and I was happy with Net Station so far. One day, my tenth participant with a nice short-haired head came, and in a very short time the net was applied on this person. But I could not initiate Net Station at all. Tried for 30 minutes and I let the participant go with 12 dollars and no data. The next day, I asked for Justin the lab manager's help again. He touched the machine and all, but this time touching did not work. He logged in with his account, and Net Station worked. What???? It turned out that Net Station only worked with his account but not with anyone else's account, not even the admin's account. The Mac simply rejected everyone but Justin.

3. Finally the data collection was over. I spent 30 to 40 hours to extract event-related potentials (ERPs) in order to analyze what was going on in people's head when attention was located on something. It was very time-consuming and stressing and depressing. I could not sleep well and all the time I had waves in front of my eyes. "What does that mean? Why was it like that?" I kept asking myself everyday in the past week. I figured out why my data was weird (because of the Matlab code). I was happy that the data eventually appeared normal (because my participants were normal people) and I did not have to re-do experiments. One morning, I went to the EEG lab and wanted to look at my data once again. The Mac could not be logged in! It stayed at the login image and the cursor remained wheeling and I could not see my data!!!!! I almost had heart attack. I did not back up my data the other day because my mobile hard drive was full. Restarting several times, trying out several possibilities, the Mac refused to be logged in. 30 minutes later, I wrote Justin a long message. Just before leaving the lab, I tried one last time. It worked. The Mac suddenly decided to let me in. It really had a great time playing with me.

See? The Mac is evil.
I cannot understand computers.
To understand it, you may tear a computer open and see all the circuits and chips. Or you can grill the designer, the programmer, and the saleman to understand it. But the question is: Can you?
Can you really understand a computer and stop it from failing on me?

Can you understand mind by seeing brain?


-------------
The ERP waveforms are my data, which I am proud of.
The participant's eyes are protected in this picture. I think Marc would not mind.

關於睡不著這件事

過去這一個禮拜，睡眠品質很差。.

找工作這件事，我深深感覺到堅持理想果然是一件很難的事。
首先，所有官方或私人機構提供的研究經費裡，認知心理學的研究經費大概佔百分之一，其中關於視覺注意力的研究經費大概有五分之一強。
但是身為一個非美國人，我能夠從美國機構申請的 postdoc fellowship 少之又少，少到像是一種傳說。而身為一個台灣人，我能夠從台灣機構申請的 postdoc fellowship 是斬釘截鐵的零。
所以就要尋找哪些教授已經有研究經費而且有餘錢可以養我的，email 已經寄遍了所有刊登徵人廣告的相關實驗室，也寄遍了所有我想得到找得到的教授去詢問他們有沒有 postdoc 的空缺，乞討著一點回音。
回信的，幾乎都說沒空缺，而絕大多數的人都不回信。
氣餒可是又爭著一口氣，還是繼續嘗試，還是繼續等待。
上個禮拜在亞特蘭大跟一個可能會雇用我的教授會面，下個月我要去休士頓，希望可以更有效的跟全世界傳達「我需要當 postdoc」的訊息。
有幾個晚上，找工作這件事情造成睡不著這件事。
我甚至在一個 milonga 前夕，情緒決堤，差點沒去跳舞。

然後是實驗那件事。
EEG 實驗很費時費力，這回我幾乎完全獨立作業不依靠 Toby，新的儀器新的技術新的問題新的習慣，花了很長一段時間去適應，去讓所有的程序流暢的動起來。
從四月到九月可以說是發展階段， Lyndsey 和 Rick 寫了 Matlab 的程式，讓我可以繼續用PC 的 Matlab控制我的實驗，而且傳送指令給 Mac 那端的 Net Station。四、五月間， Zabeth 和我受訓兩個禮拜，來熟悉 EEG 實驗的前序作業。
以為一切就緒，開始的三個受試者完全就是在測試 Net Station、Matlab 和我的自信心。
不過後來十二個受試者在 Zabeth 的幫忙之下，完成的還算順利。一個受試者花我兩個小時又 24 塊錢。
實驗做完不代表苦難終結，其實做實驗通常是最簡單最不用腦筋的部分。設計實驗和分析解讀數據才是最惱人的。
這套 EEG 軟體實在是不知道該愛它還是該恨它….
總之過了連續三十個小時的奮戰，我從一大堆腦波中離析出我認為有意義的部分。
然後….. 我盯著那個部分….. 一波接著一波，劃在螢幕上，比天書還難解。
碼的！意義？意義在哪裡？
我的數據告訴我：嗯，你的博士論文完蛋了。
Toby 試著安慰我，說我找到新的東西，所以我測試的理論都不成立，所以我可以提出一個新的理論。
儘管我再怎麼樂天，我好歹也在這裡打滾了四年多，我知道什麼是認知心理學，我知道EEG數據該長什麼德行，我知道那些波紋是在宣判我的失敗….
於是，當然睡不好。
夢裡，我仍然皺著眉盯著螢幕上的腦波。

感情生活也是一波又一波，平穩不下來。
兩個非美國人的博士候選人實在很難開心的好好相處，因為開心不起來。
Marc 跟我的處境差不多，加上他的危機感比我重，至少我的出路是明確的是學術研究（雖然我可能要轉行或是先教一陣子書），他的目標卻非常不清楚，而他又急於找到目標。
他的實驗數據更是比我更難分析，他的數據來自基因序列和染色體上的分子。
比較一下，我的研究是利用腦波尋找視覺注意力的焦點，他的呢，是利用基因學尋找人類起源。你不需要有博士頭銜就可以瞭解他的壓力可以比我的大很多。
兩個壓力大又不願意放棄業餘活動的人（我：阿根廷探戈加上一點瑜珈；他：瑜珈加上一點阿根廷探戈），留給對方的時間和精力變得少之又少，衝突和摩擦不斷，累積到一個程度之後，睡不好這件事又來煩我了。

可能是我習慣了找不到工作。可能是我知道我即將要去休士頓開會。
可能是今天我發現那可惡的 EEG 軟體擺了我一道，明天我應該可以重新分析數據，把天書變成無言易懂的漫畫書。
可能是這些天 Marc 交出了一份手稿，他逗我開心的時間多了。
我應該要睡得不錯了。

可能是天氣轉乾冷，我的皮膚又開始乾癢。
可能是下午六點多那杯拿鐵。
總之，現在凌晨四點，已經起床一個半小時的我，睡不著。

something pink

I do not like the color pink.
This is just a simple fact, requiring no reasons. It is natural for me not to like that color. There is no bad childhood traumatizing experience related to pink. It simply is not my favorite color.
I was very mean in high school. It was a girl school. Girls in that age usually liked pink, and so did most of my classmates. Once I yelled at a classmate because she was in a pink dress. (Even now thinking back and imagining that dress gives me goose bumps.) "How can you wear that disgusting color!?"
A company tried to offer me a job by saying "If you can bring the company some number of new costomers, you will be rewarded a pink toyota." I immediately rejected the offer.

Now I am a much nicer person. I understand that people have feelings. I do not just yell at anyone in pink. I do not just yell at anyone in pajamas outside their home. I do not just lecture anyone who eats cookies with trans fat. I do not just lecture anyone who takes an elevator from the 1st floor to the 2nd floor.
I smile and shake my head in my head, sighing "People!"

A saying in English expresses something so obvious but eveyone ignores it. It is "pink elephant" or "elephant in the room".
I see that elephant everyday.
I see that pink elephant e-ve-ry-day.
Do you know how this feels? It is like I see a real huge PINK image which would hurt my eye. I am so hurt that I cannot bring myself up to speak my mind. I cannot even shake my head in my head. I just have to turn away and not look at her.

Ooops.
Lyndsey and I came to Penn State at the same time. We have shared the office for more than 4 years. She is a very nice and smart person.
I admired her in the first year. She did a great job losing weight by eating so little for 12 months straight. I was hoping to see a great real-life example of the weight-watcher commercial. She was so confident and sharp and knowing her goals.
But she started doing things not very smart. She became a woman that she had not liked.

I liked her when she wanted to be fit. She gave it up when falling in love. Because her boyfriend (now husband) did not care about her body image. But losing weight is a good thing for herself, not for any other person. I was disappointed that she admitted her purpose of losing weight. She became even bigger. She stopped exercising. She panted after just walking a little section in the hallway.
It is unbearable that I am not brave enough to yell at her and witness her health condition getting worse.

She is expecting a baby next March.
Honestly, I do not think it is a good idea to have children at the same time as doing a PhD.
If I could go back in time, I would've told her:
Hey, dear Lyndsey, I am saying this as a caring friend. You should be very healthy before getting pregnant. You should know you can finacially support you and your family before getting pregnant. You should be more active. Walking more is not killing your feet. For your future and your baby, you need good health.

But I did not say it. I am not going to say it, either. How can I?
You are fat! You are too talkative!
No... I am not that mean teenager anymore.
It is too personal. I am not her best friend. I hope there is someone telling her the right thing.
I just do not get it. She is smart. She knows things. She should do her best for her baby and herself.

I am going to keep ignoring the pink elephant next to my desk.

玉米濃湯

在台灣的時候，玉米濃湯絕對是西餐廳必有前菜，不管是六十塊錢一客的牛排還是義大利麵，還是六百塊錢一客的海陸大餐。玉米濃湯代表著我正在吃西餐，上主菜餐前喝一碗絕對是一定要的。

來美國四年多，只喝過一次玉米濃湯，是一個室友煮的。
餐廳的菜單裡，找不到玉米濃湯，不管是在 State College 這個小鎮還是在紐約那樣的大城市，沒有玉米濃湯。
那麼，為什麼玉米濃湯在台灣是典型的西餐湯呢？
為什麼在美國的中國餐廳一定點得到春捲？
為什麼只有在台灣的泰國餐廳才有月亮蝦餅？
我們對於異國的刻板印象經常跟實際情況有一段撲朔迷離的差距。

有一天，Marc 問我晚上想吃什麼，問我想不想去吃泰國菜，我說我想去 the Corner Room（一個典型美國餐廳），因為我想吃他們的泰式沙拉。
我喜歡美國菜的泰式沙拉、法式冰淇淋和俄式三明治，沒有一個泰國人、法國人或是俄國人會認為那些是真正的家鄉菜，就好像我問過的美國人裡，沒有人常喝或是喝過玉米濃湯。
我喜歡台灣的可麗餅，尤其是在西門町獅子林戲院門口的那家。
美國的可麗餅就差很多了，不過 Marc 說在 State College 的那家賣的可麗餅，跟他媽媽做的感覺很像，有幾個口味是真的有法國的味道。
所以啦，台式月亮蝦餅和台式可麗餅是我在美國很難找到的，即使在紐約那樣的大熔爐，泰國餐廳裡面沒有月亮蝦餅，台菜餐廳裡不賣台式泰國菜，更別說什麼台式可麗餅，不可能出現在法國料理店的菜單上。
很多人經常問我，在 State College哪裡可以吃得到道地的中國菜，我說 Alex 的廚房。Alex 是我認識的朋友裡最會做飯的，可能跟湯哥和怡衿有拼，他們是那種我只要說得出菜名，他們就可以變得出來的人，不管是獅子頭、酸菜腰花、五更腸旺、無錫排骨、芋頭雞、牛肉麵、羊肉爐，還是波菜豆腐羹、粽子、餃子、包子，都可以在這個食材貧乏的小鎮徒手弄出好幾道吃了會想家的菜。接著我會說，鎮上至少有十家以上的中國餐廳，沒有一家是真的，或者只有一兩家的幾道菜是可以吃得出中國菜的味道。
為什麼呢？誰每餐吃春捲啊？誰會在餛飩裡包乳酪然後拿去炸？誰會在每道菜裡倒醬油？有多少人在雞上灑芝麻？有多少人吃青菜一定要沾醬油膏？
美國人不僅發明了 fortune cookie 還發明了 duck sauce，然後硬要說是中國飲食文化的一部份，不過就是餐飲業者的小聰明，讓刻板印象更深入人心。

前幾天，Alex 做飯，幾個朋友在她家聚一聚。
Charles 還滿會拿筷子的，一下子右手，一下子換左手。
Alex 說 “You are so white!”
白人或者是美國人才會這樣換手，就好像很多人右手寫寫字，然後換到左手（反正哪一隻手寫都一樣醜）。Alex 說還有一件 so white 的事，只有白人會加醬油在白飯裡。
我通常沒有什麼禁忌，我唯一堅持的是：不可以把筷子插在碗裡。他們要換手拿筷子、手不就碗、吃飯的時候喝水、拿筷子敲碗、碗裡留飯粒，我都無所謂，但是就是不要給我把筷子插在碗裡。Marc 早就知道我有這個禁忌，他就喜歡鬧我，然後觸動我那根龜毛的神經，然後我會把他的筷子放在碗邊，反覆這樣的動作幾次之後，就會有人發問，那天唯二的非華人除了 Marc 還有 Charles，所以他就問啦，我就答啦，然後又開始一連串 “so is it allowed that I ….?” 的問題，好像我餐桌上的糾察隊一樣。
Alex 要我們開菜單，下回她就不用絞盡腦汁去想要做什麼菜，只要做就好了。
我要玉米濃湯。

tangoing

You know you're a tango junkie when....
http://www.tangopulse.net/you_know_you_re_a_tango_junkie_when____.htm
You click the above link and read all sentences and laugh through lines and think "oh, those junkies"

Tango has changed my life. Yes, apart from yoga, the other thing makes me keep moving physically for more than 2 hours without intermission.
It has become a life style, being a tangoer. It has bigger impact than yoga on me because of the variety of music and the variety of dancers. AND I feel pretty, sexy, and confident when tangoing.
Yoga is good when I need peace and silence and being alone with a classroom of people.
Tango is good when I need human contact and escape from my frustrating research, and I find peace with another person flying on the dance floor.
I understand how to move my body better since practicing yoga. I understand how to feel with my whole body and respond with my whole body since dancing tango.

Marc has started dancing too.
Now he is not only sexy in the kitchen cooking but also sexy on the dance floor closely embracing me.

Why do we like what we like to do? Because those activities produce positive emotions in our head.
I am reading a great book "Our Inner Ape". I feel so warm and not alone on the earth. Humans are indeed different from other animals. But all different species are different among one another. So differences do not make one particular creature superior than others. I feel warm because this book describes similarities between humans, chimps, bonobos, other apes, moneys, elephants, dogs, and many many other primates (mostly chimps and bonobos, though) We as humans are not alone as a social, political, manipulative, sex-addictive, symbol-using, tool-making, pleasure-searching, friendship-holding, revenge-planning, or even more abstract, loving and hating animal.
We, as animals, do what we like to do is not because we want to have more and more offspring to pass our genes on and on.
We do what we like to do is simply we like eating crunchy cookies, watching movies, chatting with friends, reading novels, making love, taking hot baths, judging people on their back, wearing beautiful shoes, writing blogs, shoulderstanding, hiking, window shopping, drinking hot chocolate, making cute noices, and dancing.
We remember, as chimps, bononos, and elephants do too, episodes from long long time ago early in our life, and thus now we know who are our real friends and who are not; and faces of highschool friends and faces of elementary school bullies.
We celebrate life even we have an upset moment just several hours ago. We can still be cheered up by the most cheerful faces. (Like I frequently accidentally make Marc pinch my face and say so cute. His face of saying so cute to my face is so cheerful to me.)

If bonobos knew how to dance, they would've reduced the frequency of sex contact but started dancing this flirtatious dance. They would've tango in a less genderized way than humans. (Bononos have sex with everyone, same or different sex) In the world of humans, tango unfortunately is a sexist dance. Leaders are often males. A female do not get to dance until a leader comes to ask. Nowadays, in the US, in the circle of tango people are promoting both sexes should learn how to play both roles. I know many great female dancers can lead as well as follow. More and more guys are learning how to follow too.

I am learning how to lead for quite a while. Leading is very hard especially for me as a good follower (I am proud that I have this reputation on a dance floor).

Justin and I are offering a beginner tango class. It is very nice that from teaching I have learned a lot how to strengthen my own dancing basis and practiced a lot with different kinds of tango music.
But something is missing between Justin and I as dancing partners. It is the flirtation part. Even we danced so close that our upper bodies were touching all the time, I never felt sexually attracted.
When dancing from 11pm to 5am in Baltimore, I danced with many many different strangers. It did not matter how well they could dance. What mattered to a great dancing experience is the "connection" Tango is a heart-to-heart dance in terms of physical connection that literally I as a follower is lining up my heart postion to my leader's. In addition, the connection is also heart-to-heart in the sense of sexual chemistry or attraction. If the connection was good, I had a 5 to 10 minutes pure love affair with someone I didn't know the name and perhaps I would not see again. If the connection was bad, it was just a mechanical body movement looking like tango.
Justin is a gentleman, a nice guy who never says fuck in front of a lady (or female in general), a person who exercises proper manners everywhere. He rarely teases people in semi-offending ways. He smiles and says "have a great day" He is always trying his best to help and making best wishes to everyone.
He definitely is a good noble person. But being a tangoer, he should start trying different things as being a playboy.

Once I danced with Bryan. I could feel his inhalation into his lungs, transferring to my chest and my toes; his exhalation out of his noses and guided me to fly a long-legged step, inducing a involuntary gancho (my leg hooked to his leg or body). I couldn't help a pleasant sigh. It was such a nice feeling when the connection was that good. There was definitely some sex tension during those 3 minutes. But once the music stopped, he and I smiled at each other and said thankyou. Then I danced with Marc and he danced with Sophie.
Similar feelings to Charles too. Charles preferred to exploring different music or different dancing rhythm to old same classic tango music. I always felt excited when dancing with him. Tango is already a kind of dance without memorizing steps. Charles makes it even more challenging because of his playful and confident attitude. But he never made me feel challenged. He loved me when dancing with me. I felt being honored and protected and at the same time having fun. All the flirtatious touch, movements, and eye-staring were for the sake of an excellent dance, not for really sleeping with each other.

Justin and I are not tango beginners. We are intermediate beginners. Many things need to be learned. I need to learn how to be more aggressive to make my own non-led movement and at the same time even much more sensitive to follow the leader.

There are already so many unnessary taboos in life. Doing a number 2 and doing another person are on the top list. Tango and yoga is such a releaf from life of taboos. In yoga, I don't care about my own body image. I do not wear bras for example. In tango, I want to seduce my dance partner when dancing. I want him/her to get my message and return with flirtation by moving bodies so in sync that we are a part of music and we build up a little universe together and hold it intact for a few mimutes.

舞開了心

我只是想要跳舞，就讓我只是跳舞吧，謝謝。

我辭去了社交舞社（Social Dance Club）的行政職務，開心的只管跳舞。

剛進大學的時候，跑了一下各個我有興趣參與的社團，其中包括國標社（國際標準舞），那天麻嗎有交代，如果沒有一個男生比我高，就不要參加。我的身高不是巨人標準，但是國標社裡只有一個男生比我高，他長的不怎麼樣，舞跳得不怎麼樣，因為他也是新生，因為當時想學國標舞的男生遠低於想學街舞的人。
沒再去過國標社。

然後我也去了一下土風舞社，「土風」兩個字不是很有吸引力，跳得舞也不是很有吸引力，因為是土風嘛。
可是有幾個學長姊頂著出色的外表和氣質，所以我大概參加了兩三個禮拜的社團活動。

即使後來專心致力戲劇社，想跳舞的心還是在蠢蠢欲動，所以中途小小參與了熱舞社（熱門舞蹈社），認識了火辣的男男女女，發展了三四年的戀情，開始涉足所謂的「夜店」跳 hip-hop。

來到美國賓州的地理幾何中心的這個小小的鎮 State College，能讓我跳 hip-hop 或 techno disco的 dance club（「舞廳」實在不太像是適合的翻譯）只有一間，我又有莫名的「我應該要心無旁騖努力向學」的決心，連電視都沒有的過了一年，遙想身在台灣的親友，網頁瀏覽器的首頁依然是台灣奇摩雅虎，天天看中文新聞，偶爾租 DVD 躲在小小宿舍房間裡盯電腦螢幕。

經過一整年的封閉和適應，我走出了無聊的宿舍和華人圈，開始學跳舞。
2003 的夏天，我在 Late Night Penn State 探了路，學了 Salsa 基本步，開始去那唯一的 dance club – Players，心開了，開心了，社交圈裡漸漸的有非美國人、非華人。
2004 的五月，正式每個禮拜去參加國標社（Ballroom Dance Club，簡稱 BDC）的 Salsa 課，三個月下來，我不敢說我很會跳，但是可以說我的身體跟著心都開了。
去不同的城市旅遊，會特別尋找 Salsa dance club，愛上拉丁美洲的音樂，愛上拉丁美洲的男男女女，喜歡來學舞的每一個人，尤其是義大利人，拉丁的語言文化讓我一直把微笑掛在臉上，笑不停，幸福感從微笑蔓延到心裡。
2005 的一月，正式的每個禮拜去參加 BDC 的阿根廷探戈（簡稱 tango）的課。因為跳 Salsa，身體開竅了，tango 卻要我收斂。Salsa 像是練外功，tango 則是內功。
Tango 沒有舞步，只有一些原則，然後是全然的「憑感覺」，去感覺我的舞伴，去感覺音樂，tango is a heart-to-heart dance。
跳 Salsa 練出的自信是知道怎麼扭動身體是性感火辣的， tango 要的自信是出自內在延伸到每個細胞，又要讓舞伴可以感覺得到（因為舞伴通常是看不到我的，真的是其他感官的刺激），然後兩個人成為一個個體，follower（通常是女生）成為 leader （通常是男生）的延伸，一起舞動在舞池裡。
內功當然比外功難修練，五個月之後，我才敢說我已經脫離了初學者的階段，又五個月之後，我到了一個瓶頸，一個外功必須要追上內功的瓶頸。雖然說 tango 沒有基本舞步，但是有很多移動的方式需要柔韌力很強的腰力、腿力和控制體重中心的能力。開始跟段數高的 leader 跳舞，發覺我要練習的技巧還很多，突然回到初學者的挫折感。
那個秋天，Bryan 和 Sophie（我最喜歡的 tango dancers and teachers）跟BDC的行政階層不合，他們不滿社費的使用方式，不滿社長、副社長、各附屬團體（salsa、tango、competition group）負責人的產生方式，不滿許多社團利益相關的決議過程，他們要求 BDC公平公開，把所有程序透明化。經過幾個月的交涉，我也參與在某些討論會裡，Bryan & Sophie 決定離開 BDC。
學生跟著老師，不是跟著空殼的社團，所以當他們找人一起成立另一個社團 Social Dance Club（SDC），我答應幫忙，成立了以研究生為主要社員的社團，我是名義上的副社長，Andrei 是社長。這是 2006 年初。

新社團，一切是理想的。我們掛著社長副社長的頭銜只是因為我們是研究生，所以符合社團規章，我們只是幫忙其他社員規劃時間表和教室，沒有任何上對下的權力。新社團不是為了跟BDC抗衡，只是提供另一個學跳舞的管道，強調社交舞蹈 Argentine Tango 和 Hustle，強調我們決議任何事情的過程都是透明的，所有的人都可以參與。
我的舞技在上一個春天狂進，每個禮拜的去上 Bryan & Sophie的課，加上我跟 Bryan 連續三個月的單獨練習，我的「感覺力」大增，讓我有自信在真的社交場合跟段數高的 dancer 跳舞。
像是回到大學時代經營戲劇社一樣，小社團裡，跟所有人的感情都很好，我有了一幫 tango gang，我登高一呼，大家一起出來吃個飯跳個舞，分享各種不同的 tango 音樂，我發現 tango 音樂也比 salsa 音樂要來的有深度，可以熱情，可以深情，可以火辣，可以憂鬱，有傳統的，有新時代的，有單一樂器的，有複雜配樂的，有各種不同語言的歌聲。最近迷上所謂的 neo-tango，前幾個月喜歡 techno-tango。
跟志同道合的人一起笑鬧實在是最開心不過的了。

直到一個多月前，我沒有辦法寄 email 給SDC的社員們，才發現 Andrei 有非常嚴格的律法管制我們的電子郵件新聞公布，我覺得沒有必要那麼嚴格。我當然不希望收到垃圾信，但是我好歹也是核心社員，我要公布的事情跟社團有關，應該要讓我有寄送郵件的權益。
這就算了，他認為一定要「直接相關」的事務才從SDC可以公佈，那「直接」的程度我非常無法苟同。例如，我不能跟大家說「紐約最近有 tango festival」除非我打算要去參加。例如，我們不能販賣我們自己的舊舞鞋。
於是，我訴諸其他核心社員的意見，展開一個禮拜的 email 討論。那個禮拜，我每天一打開信箱，至少有五封信是跟 SDC 有關。
從討論中，大家明顯的一面倒向我這邊。當然，Andrei的心情不會太好，但是我以為他會就順從民意，鬆綁電子郵件新聞公布的規定。結果他沒有，他認為我們的討論不合社團憲法，我們只是少數人，不代表所有的社員。
好吧，要透明化是吧，於是我們對所有人公布，一起來投票決定哪一種規定要用在SDC email 上，四個選項，大家寄信告訴我喜歡那幾種，我統計好告訴核心社員。
Andrei 還是不高興，他說最高票的選項（開放SDC email，取消所有規定）沒有獲得絕對多數。
同時他寄給我的非公開郵件裡，指責我為什麼要跟他吵這件事情，他認為我身成副社長應該就要安靜的幫他處理社務，不能有異議。
所以結論是，經過兩個禮拜的討論和公開投票，事情回到原點。

那我們離開BDC的目的是什麼？
那我們透明的投票就作廢了嗎？
他不滿我私自決定誰是核心成員，誰不是。好吧，所以我就邀請所有訂閱 SDC mail news 的人一起來討論。
但是他同時又規定怎樣才能成為社員，而訂閱 SDC mail news 的人不代表他們是社員，所以又所以又所以，社團因為這樣小小的行政事務而無法向前邁進。
似乎在民主程序白紙黑字前，他唯一同意的事情是他要繼續獨裁下去。
“Why are you fighting with me, Peggy?”
“What will people think that the President and the Vice President do not agree with each other?”
“Stop complaining!”
沙文俄國男人！！！！

所以我辭去了副社長的職務。
所以 Bryan 開了自己的舞蹈教室，自己的網絡。
我們從此保持沈默，開始尋找快樂的跳舞環境，不再忍受BDC或是SDC裡那樣的「高層」人士。

Sophie 身為 SDC 的指導老師，替我公布了我的辭去，但是她希望我繼續跳舞。
當然啦，我會因為那樣的豬頭而放棄 tango 嗎？一點都不值得。所以我繼續跳舞，我幫忙 Bryan 開始他的職業舞蹈教室和公開的 milonga（tango 社交場合），在SDC裡我跟 Justin 要開始教 tango初級班，我還是會到處參加 tango workshop增進舞技。

Tango 跟 yoga 一樣，不常練習就會退步。練習越頻繁，對自己的身體認識得越多。

Andrei 竟然異想天開的叫我去簽SDC的文件，說等找到代替我的人再改文件。
別煩我了，我只是想要跳舞，就讓我只是跳舞吧，謝謝。

前幾天，Bryan 開班第一晚，我去捧場，我的tango gang 也去了。
跟Bryan跳舞的時候，那段跟他單獨的練舞時光回映在我腦海，很美。四個多月沒跟他跳舞，但是我仍然一直在練習，他感覺到我的進步，我感覺到「他感覺到我的進步」，我在微笑，我的身體也在微笑，我相信他也感覺到了。
跟Charles跳舞的時候，他說我很輕，可以感覺到他細微的指示，好像我真的是他身體的延伸，這是我得到最好的讚美了。
可以跟 State College 最好的舞者跳舞，跳很美的舞，誰在乎那些惱人的社團事務。

Let’s dance.

discovery with new feelings

How many times have I seen a squirrel or a couple of squirrels or a group of squirrels running around, playing, chasing, and eating in Taipei where I was born and living for 22 years? The answer is zero.How many times have I seen a squirrel or a couple of squirrels or a group of squirrels running around, playing, chasing, and eating in northeast America where I have been living for 4 years? The answer is … hm… the number is too big, and the definition of counting has to be reset.

Not surprisingly, I was surprised by those cute little creatures happily existing with people during the first months of my American life. I stared at them, observing their movements, taking pictures, feeding them. Their fluffy long tails waved in the air when they were jumping across the field, running along tree branches. When a squirrel stayed still, its tail was off the ground and gave its body a nice balance and a symmetrical image.I liked it when they used their "hands" holding food and focused on eating. I liked it when they chased each other for fighting for territory or mates. I liked it when they dug holes through a layer of snow to find food that they stored before winner.

Now I still like them. But of course, I do not stop to look at each of them as often as previously. They are still lovely but not so attractive anymore.

Last weekend, walking in New York around 1st Ave and 23rd St, a squirrel captured my attention. This guy wore shining beautiful jet-black hair, searching for food in grass of a little yard. I never saw a black squirrel and was amazed by its elegant feature. It was like watching shampoo commercial in Taiwan where shining, strong, black hair was emphasized with an image of a long-haired model."Wow, cool! Now I am searching for a snow white squirrel for my picture collection." I said after taking pictures of this cute little black beauty.

Today, walking on campus, where the number of squirrels may be equal to the number of students, a squirrel blocked my path. This guy was lying prone on the sidewalk, eyes closed, tail down. This was very unusual. Squirrels normally have ADHD. When being approached by people, most of them get freaked out and jump away, and some are brave enough to get close to people (for food usually). I passed by the squirrel. It did not move or change its position at all, remaining lying on its stomach. Thus, I stopped right in front of it and picked out my camera. It opened its eyes and looked up to me. It seemed breathing heavily and was a bit concerned about what I was going to do to it. But it went back to its comforting position again. I think it must be old and waiting for the nature takes its life away. However, this was the first time I ever saw a squirrel like it. I always had a question where they were hiding when waiting for death. I saw dead squirrels on the roads, killed by car. I never saw dead squirrel bodies elsewhere. I grew pity on this squirrel lying on the sidewalk, wishing it died peacefully.

Something new discovered by the not-so-new me.
Some feeling randomly beautiful.

新生活

滿室茶香，來自我杯裡的鐵觀音。
從來沒有正式買過茶葉的我，兩個多禮拜前在紐約中國城的天仁茗茶，聞茶香，稱茶重，買了中等的烏龍和鐵觀音，差一點繼續破財買碧羅春。

對非華人而言，茶就是綠茶、紅茶、白茶，他們哪裡曉得我們不是這樣命名茶種的。就好像對華人而言，葡萄酒非紅即白，我仍然沒有培養出品酒的神經細胞。
不過，真的，含著紅酒吃上好的乳酪，的確是加成的美味。

十二天前，當我正式搬進這公寓的那天，開始斷食。
去年斷食的時候，覺得非常輕鬆，一下子十天就過了。這回一直到第七天左右，我才覺得漸入佳境。
身體只耗費相當少的能量和時間從楓糖漿和檸檬汁攝取營養，所以消化系統呈現休息狀態，所以需要刺激腸胃才能排毒。因為人性的怠惰，上次我全程只喝了半公升鹽水和一兩杯的 senna leaf tea。這次幾乎每天晚上跟著 marc喝 senna leaf tea，每天早上灌一公升鹽水，以確定排毒的效果。的確是，排呀~
不過不舒服的感覺來自無形的生活壓力，跟 marc 朝夕相處的不適。沒有「新環境新生活新氣象」的新鮮感，才發覺食物不只是身體的能量，也是精神生活的一部份。
愛情，在這十天的斷食裡遭受考驗。
因為不能吃正常的食物，社交生活也幾乎斷絕。身心都在斷食。身心都在排毒。

來到美國的第二年開始，身體出現一些前所未有的症狀，在台灣二十幾年養成的免疫系統漸漸失效，我需要一個新的免疫系統對抗這美國東北的氣候。那時正忙著修課和寫碩士論文，我的細胞們沒有得到我好好的照顧，對著我嘶吼，我自以為還年輕，對症狀不以為意，於是過敏性異位皮膚炎變本加厲，越演越烈，西醫宣告無藥可治。
天打雷劈的消息終於逼的我好好正視我的健康，我的皮膚不會再像以前一樣，那時在亞熱帶氣候的台灣，全身柔嫩滋潤，現在乾裂紅腫水泡疹子通通來，藥膏只治標不治本。

於是，我相信應該從本開始治。
認識 marc 是個機運，因為他，我開始練瑜珈，發現熱瑜珈是絕佳的排毒運動，連續上個兩三天就見效，皮膚問題開始好轉。但是熱瑜珈（Bikram）只在大城市才有，所以實際上我無法持之以恆，只能在每次去紐約的時候乖乖去上課。
後來，發現泡澡三十分鐘以上也有效，全身冒汗的程度，大約有上熱瑜珈一半以上的效果。

然後我想我應該有肝臟方面的問題，於是喝 milk thistle tea。這樣子的草藥療法像是中藥養生一樣，短期內看不到效果，反而是一種心理的安定作用，一種「我在做一件有益健康的事情」的好感。
這回斷食結束了兩天後，明天我要做清理肝臟的自我療法。在美國養生界（泛指信仰食療、練瑜珈、打坐、東方宗教的人），有一套發展多時，人人推薦的 liver flush 方法，食材簡單容易準備，只花費一個下午加一個晚上。marc 親自問了嘗試過的人，也詢問過瑜珈大師，我也看了一些資料，認為方法滿合乎邏輯的，我們決定試看看。

這就是我的新生活，這一年多來我的轉變。
能買到有機食品，就不使用一般超市販賣的食物。如果是已經處理過的食品，一定看成分標籤，確定沒有 trans fat 或是 partially hydrogenated oil （or hydrogenated oil）才買。加拿大和歐洲早已經禁止販賣含有 trans fat 的東西，美國今年才開始，但是即使包裝上大大寫著 no trans fat，常常在成分標籤的小字裡還是可以看到 partially hydrogenated oil，這其實就是 trans fat，正確全名是 trans fatty acid，也就是說這不是一種脂肪，而是一種脂肪酸，當植物性油用化學方式固化的時候就會有這個副產品，會囤積在身體裡的一種可能性致癌因子。在美國，他們大量使用這種 hydrogenated oil 在零食裡面，愛吃零食的我必須要小心謹慎，如今體內環保意識高漲，尤其是在 State College 這個學術藝術小鎮，可以買到有很多天然沒有添加物的零食，一樣好吃。不過，人工奶油（margarine）裡也有這個成分，美國市場裡烘焙的麵包、蛋糕等等點心，幾乎都是用人工奶油，所以 marc 很討厭「美國人的奶油」，每次都要問烘焙師傅，是用什麼奶油做糕點，用「真的奶油」才買。

總之，外在呢，我練瑜珈多走動來養生，多跳舞來保持體態。
內在呢，也開始跟著 marc 注意小細節。當然，日常消費會因為常購買有機食材而變高，但是長遠來說，如果可以省下將來慢性疾病的醫藥費，其實我們是在對自己做好事。

手邊的安西鐵觀音給我一種口鼻感官的芳香寧靜。
marc 愛喝茶的程度遠高於我認識的任何台灣人，他尤其愛烏龍和日本綠茶，我也喜歡茶，但是還不到高於喜歡咖啡的程度。不過，因為他，我開始閱讀喝茶和喝咖啡對身體的好處。茶，的確是好東西。
第一，好吃。我愛抹茶口味的森永牛奶糖、綠茶冰淇淋、綠茶麻薯和綠茶牛札糖。
第二，好聞。我喜愛含有茶濃縮液的保養品和泡澡結晶，清香自然，據說對皮膚非常滋養。
第三，好健康。已經被報導很多了，各種網站書籍裡常常提到茶是多麼有益健康。
簡單講，就是內服外用兩相宜的好東西。
簡單講，我就是喜歡茶香，就像喜歡咖啡香，單純的喜歡。

大學的時候學西醫，給我邏輯上的訓練和基本知識。日常生活裡，其實西醫的應用並不多，反而回歸到比較自然的中醫或是食療給我生理上的舒適和心理上的安全感。雖然我還是不太能接受一些名詞例如「氣血不順」、「冷熱失調」、「經脈阻塞」之類的類似武俠片裡飛來遁去的小說詞彙，不過比起還沒離開台灣的我，我已經漸漸對那些源自「經驗法則」的理論放開心胸。

窗外的雨聲，滿室的茶香，清又輕的消化系統，我處在一個很單純的幸福感裡。

難說明的立場

台灣是不是一個國家？
我總是避開這個話題，盡量不去多做解釋，盡量不發表我自己的政治立場。
但是，最近這個話題又開始燒了，在我的非華人朋友圈裡燒，我只好說明一下。

「台灣是一個國家嗎？」
『本質上，是的。但是，大部分的國家不認為台灣是個國家。』
「台灣屬於中國嗎？」
『歷史上，據說是。實際上，並不是。早期來到台灣的人，並不是很有規劃的統治台灣。台灣的教課書，至少我那時候的歷史課本告訴我，或者我的記憶所及裡歷史課本是這麼告訴我，從明代開始，台灣是中國的，因為大陸沿海漁民來台灣捕魚。不過中國大陸的歷史課本說在西元前幾百年，台灣就有中國人的足跡。』
「有足跡不代表他們就可以宣稱台灣是中國的。就像是歐洲人發現美洲之後，到處跟人家說，美洲是他們的，這樣的作法並不太文明，不過那個時代就是這樣吧。」
『對呀，所以荷蘭人、葡萄牙人也來過台灣，然後到處跟人家說台灣是他們的一樣。』
「現在呢？為什麼大部分的國家不認為台灣是一個國家？」
『因為中國認為台灣是中國的一部份，台灣有一半的人也是這樣認為。』
「可是台灣真的是中國的一部份嗎？如果是同一個國家，為什麼有兩個政府？」
『…』
「台灣有繳稅給中國嗎？」
『沒有。』
「台灣在中國有民意代表嗎？」
『沒有。』（我暗想，中國有民意代表嗎？）
「台灣要對中國盡什麼義務嗎？」
『沒有。』
「台灣的法律需要中國的同意嗎？」
『不需要。』
「台灣的總統是中國指定的嗎？」
『不是。』
「那台灣跟中國明明就是兩個國家啊，為什麼大部分的國家不承認你們是兩個不同的國家呢？」
『這就要問你啦。』我指著在座的美國人、法國人、德國人、斯里蘭卡人、義大利人、新加坡人、俄國人、荷蘭人和突尼西亞人。

「你認為呢？你希望台灣跟中國統一嗎？」
我就知道到最後會出現這個問題。
我怎麼認為，我怎麼希望會對現狀有什麼影響嗎？
時局正在改變，我小時候的時候，每個學期要研讀「小心匪諜就在你身邊」的小冊子，三不五時要防空演習。新聞上用「中」來表示台灣政府，「共」來指中國政府，例如「中美斷交」的「中」是指台灣，現在演變成「台美政策」。以前中國代表貧窮落後，現在他們在起步（似乎跳太快，貧富差距落差太大）。以前台灣旅行團被歐美批評大聲沒禮貌只是錢多愛現，現在中國旅行團是三十年前的台灣旅行團。中國經過共產黨的統治，歷任許多領導人，慢慢不像是從前一板一眼的共產黨了，本質還是不是共產黨，我沒研究，不過很顯然的，在經濟體系裡看得出來資本主義非常蓬勃。台灣經過國民黨多年執政，也反彈過來交棒給民進黨。
時局就是一直在變化，不是我大聲說我認為什麼，事情就會因為我登高一呼就改變了，既然改變不了什麼，我不喜歡因為這個話題把氣氛弄僵。


身在國外，我體驗最深的是「我愛台灣」。
即使有人說我是外省人，有人說我不代表本土，但事實就事實，我在台灣長大，我的父母也都在台灣長大，我的家人都還在台灣，我總是在言談中或多或少的為台灣辯護。

「你畢了業要回台灣嗎？」
我搖搖頭，大家都心有戚戚，因為在場大部分的人都不是美國人。
不回去定居不代表不愛國，人出來了就發現世界好大，有很多選擇，有很多可以試試看可以探索，我可以選擇要認同哪些次文化，我可以選擇到適合我健康和個性的地方居住，我可以繼續向前衝刺，而台灣永遠都是我的娘家，我的祖國。
一個南非朋友說：「Home is where I am.」 雖然我仍然渴望一個定居之所，一個我可以叫它是家的地方，但是我瞭解他的說法，我們都是獨立的生命個體，我們偶爾相逢互通訊息互相幫助，然後各自發展自己的旅程。
我知道不是所有的留學生都有這樣的體驗，有些朋友不像我這樣的到處涉獵不同的人、不同的文化、不同的人生經驗，他們總是聚集在一起，說自己的母語，收看來自自己國家的電視節目、新聞報導、小說雜誌，烹煮家鄉菜，談論為什麼美國人這樣那樣。他們過得很開心，我沒意見，只是我不是這樣的人。

前幾天，Dinara 離開 State College，她要去荷蘭工作了，不過要先回哈薩克斯坦（Kazakhstan）一個月。臨行前，她吆喝一群朋友在一個酒吧裡，應該說「酒吧外」因為是露天的，聚一聚，吃一客很美式的漢堡。
我是在學阿根廷探戈的時候認識她的，是一個個子小個性大的女生，很異國的口音，小小的東亞眼睛，高高的北歐鼻子，南亞的膚色，說不上來她像是亞洲人還是歐洲人，也不能說她是俄國人。反正她是個說俄文的人，來美國唸書，在德州拿到博士之後，來 Penn State 當博士後研究員，現在要轉到業界工作了。
要走的時候，我給她一個擁抱。我跟她並不是非常熟稔，不過因為我喜歡她的率性，所以她吆喝的派對我幾乎都會去。
她的眼眶竟然泛著淚光，她說「Life is tough.」我點點頭，我知道，很溫暖。我知道她瞭解，因為她已經走過我正在經歷的事情，她仍然獨立的走下去。
哈薩克斯坦是她的娘家，她想念著卻也還是決定要繼續闖蕩下去，她曾經有的戀情都已經消逝，她要很樂觀的繼續向前看。

台灣跟中國的關係如何，不能用「從回祖國的懷抱」或是「重申本土文化，提高本土意識」就可以決定統一或是分裂，不然為什麼中國和台灣坐下來好好講道理，把事情給解決了；不然為什麼聲音大的國家如英美法德不能坐下來好好講道理，說明為什麼不承認台灣是一個國家。
我只在乎，我是不是可以不受刁難的進出台灣，是不是可以不再被扣上「外省」、「不是台灣人」的帽子，然後我自由的到處走到處飛。
Life is tough, and that is my choice.

笨小孩

實驗慢慢的進行，我慢慢的在過日子。
每次受試者在的時候，就是我關心世界大事和台灣小事的時候。

通常我會先看 Google News，概括所有類別的新聞，政治、國際、科技、醫療、體育、影視。
然後開另一個視窗，點進中時電子報看政治和影劇新聞。政治像是娛樂，影劇一直是娛樂。

今天的一個標題是有關劉德華和席丹，立刻挑起我的興趣。
文中提到劉德華的個人官方網站 awc618.com，我就連連看，然後一直看，後來受試者走了，我還繼續看「華仔留言」的討論區。
原來劉德華的文字幽默跟我這個世代差不多，一樣「我手寫我口」的無俚頭，一樣狀聲詞不斷，還會安插一些搞笑的照片。
看著他的留言，突然覺得他好近，突然覺得他不再是我小時候牆上的海報，他是一個真實的努力的實力派偶像。

十二歲到十五歲的時候，是我最迷戀他的時候。
我會剪下所有跟他有關的新聞報導，跟我的日記放在一起。
我會在第一時間買他新發行的專輯，背下所有歌曲，無論國語還是粵語。
我會排隊幾個小時買票看他主演的電影。
他是我的精神寄託，聯考壓力下的出口，我會看著他的照片像是服用鎮定劑一樣，告訴自己這個世界是美好的，因為有他遙遠的存在。

後來，儘管痴迷的程度減退了，我從來也沒否認過我曾經那麼「愛」他，他依舊是個可敬可愛的偶像，他記註了我成長的一部份。
他漸漸老了，還是帥，還是有型，而且越來越有人味，不再是高高的偶像，可能是因為港台娛樂圈不再像從前那樣包裝或是保護明星，他漸漸像是個凡人了。

當年崇拜他的小女生們，現在都成年了，甚至都成家了。
現在崇拜他的死忠者，還是小女生居多。他似乎永遠三十歲，永遠「笨小孩」一個，永遠保持年輕開心的態度，永遠一直就這樣下去...

笨小孩...
胚胚我也要一直當個小孩，一直下去，一直一直下去。
怪不得「成熟穩重」的人討不到我的歡心，怪不得我的童音還是會在某些人面前出現。
如果哪天我看到劉德華，我會跟他微笑說謝謝，我會摸摸他的臉，說「你真是可愛啊」。

除草記

去年大約這個時候，有兩件「我以為」的事情。
1. 我以為我今年八月會畢業，然後離開 State College。
2. 我以為我的房租在今年五月到期。

因此，當時我開始擔心我將會有三個月的時間流離失所，所以我開始詢問有沒有人願意收留我三個月。
Marc 幫我留意各種消息，巧的是他系上一對教授夫婦 Pat & Jim 每年夏天都需要人幫忙看房子，巧的是去年的這個時候他們開始找今年的「house-sitter」（這個字是從「保母 ”babysitter”」照樣造句來的），巧的是去年的這個時候他們還沒找到自願者。Marc 就把 Pat 的 email 轉給我，我跟 Pat 聯絡上，我到他們家看環境，他們跟我說我大概要做的事情（或者說不用費心的事情）：
他們沒有寵物，沒有難養的植物，所以我不需要照料任何生物。
他們有一個清潔工，每個月會來打掃一次，所以我不需要大肆清理環境、洗廁所、拖地板。
他們幾乎所有的水電瓦斯帳單都會自動從他們帳戶扣款，所以我不需要幫他們繳費。
我的任務基本上就是睡在他們家…. 而且是他們的床。我還頗訝異他們竟然沒有客房，但是有兩個書房、一個很寬敞的客廳、很游刃有餘的廚房、兩套衛浴、一個很舒適的後陽台。
第二重要的任務是收信。每天都有信件，大部分都是廣告或是各種商品型錄，重要的文件夾雜在其中，所以我需要一一檢閱。
第三重要的任務是除草。

第二次到 Pat & Jim 的家是去年年底，Jim 把除草機從儲藏室拖出來，要示範給我看怎麼使用。他已經半年多沒有用，似乎忘了一些小技巧，所以那時沒有成功的教我怎麼用。
第三次到 Pat & Jim 的家是今年五月初，Pat 列了清單，告訴我一些要注意的事情和要幫忙的瑣事，但是那天最重要的事是要學會怎麼用除草機。如果你的院子很雜亂，鄰居有權力可以舉發你，因為你破壞了他們視覺環境。如果你院子裡的樹枝掉在人行道，害行人跌倒或是任何意外，你要負全責。所以我需要注意雜草生長的情況，和唯一一棵有可能會長出分枝到人行道的樹。

首先，我是城市裡長大的。再來，我在台灣從來沒有看過除草機。更有挑戰性的是，這個我將要使用的除草機是很古老的型號，也就是說那個引擎是手動的。
小時候，有幾次在湖上坐小船的經驗，如果不是腳踩或是手划，就是一種汽油引擎，啟動的方式是要拉動一條引線，直到聽到引擎聲。
這個除草機用的就是那種引擎。
五月初的那天，我成功的啟動了引擎，Jim 跟我說明了步湊，也留了一張說明書在除草機旁邊，Pat 開玩笑的說「Now you’re a real rural American」，我乾笑了兩聲。我不想變成鄉下人或是美國人或是美國的鄉下人。
我要離開的時候，Pat 跟我說今年的前院似乎很貧瘠，說不定我根本沒有機會用除草機。
這個夏天在他們離開美國的時候似乎突然轉成秋天，氣溫下降，沒有太多的陽光，前院的兔子比草還茂盛。後來忽然熱了起來，熱到一個高溫，開始下雨，連下了快一個禮拜，偶爾晴天，偶爾雷聲大作。前院的植物開始蓬勃起來，越來越多昆蟲的聲音，我甚至被蚊子叮了一個包。蚊子不是美國東北的產物，去年一整年我都沒有被蚊子侵擾到，除非到樹林裡散步。

今天是個放晴的好日子，法國隊剛剛打敗了巴西隊，我一個心情好，打開了儲藏室，拖出了除草機，然後… 我愣了半晌，心裡盤算了步驟，很有自信的想把除草機的布袋裝上。被割掉的草或是小樹枝都會噴進那個布袋裡。
挖哩勒，還真難裝上，花了十幾分鐘還有幾滴汗，我拿起說明書「…. Hook the bag to the rod… 」嗯… 哪裡有什麼 rod？ 一點幫助都沒有，就要放棄的時候，我使出了一點蠻力，布袋突然固定上機器了。
好了，該啟動引擎了。先按三下啟動鈕。為什麼是三下不是五下，我也不知道。然後拉動引擎。
超難拉動的！過了幾分鐘還有好幾滴汗水之後，我投降看向說明書。歐～ 我應該要一邊按住一個把手一邊拉引線，好，再來一次，這次引擎聽起來似乎有點要被啟動樣子了。深吸一口氣，用一點腰力，引擎啟動的瞬間我的心似乎跳了出來，不是因為興奮我終於成功了，而是那引擎聲真是超大的噪音，嚇我一跳。

看似小小的前院，盡然也花了我半個多小時完成除草的工作。
最大的原因是，除草機真難推，而且越推越重，因為雜草都被噴進布袋裡，一大布袋的雜草非常重。這除草機的輪子不會轉彎，所以是靠我推拉的力量來移動它的方向。
滿意結果後，把布袋打開，碎碎的草倒出來堆成一個小山。拿著大剪刀修一修樹枝，再掃掃車道，呼～ 我不適合住在一個有院子的房子裡。
在 Pat & Jim 回來前，我恐怕還要再除一次草，下次要順便換一下後院花盆，買一些花放在院子裡。
園藝是一件非常耗體力的事情。麻嗎，你真的想要一塊地來種花嗎？

喔，說回那兩件「我以為」的事情。結果我今年八月不會畢業，我的房租其實是到七月底。不過我非常滿足的住在這個大空間裡，寫論文、做瑜珈、泡澡、看電影、開派對、在後院乘涼看小說看花栗鼠。啊，人生不需要等到退休後才有閒情享受。

浪漫的事

Mohamed 問我有沒有看過這麼多螢火蟲。我說有，我來這裡已經是第四個夏天了。
只要天色漸暗，樹叢裡，草地上，就開始冒火光，一閃一滅間，人就痴迷著望著，好像在看煙火一樣。

有一年，一件浪漫的事發生在夏天傍晚的草地上，那個人伸手雙掌間含住了一隻螢火蟲，他輕輕的張開手掌，我痴迷的看著那蟲子一閃一滅，然後他輕輕的向上拖了一下，螢火蟲飛回整群的一閃一滅中。
他不知道他對我做了一件非常浪漫的事情，我非常感動，一種真摯的悸動。

回想起來，刻意安排的所謂浪漫的事情對我都發生不了作用。
有個人在電話另一頭彈著吉他對我唱歌，有個人送來九十九朵紅玫瑰，有個人用毛筆寫了情詩給我。
我點點頭抿抿嘴，微笑跟他們說再見。那樣的浪漫打不進我心坎，卻只是證明了他們都是好人，我不是。
I am mean. 找不到一個適當的中文詞來解釋 mean.

螢火蟲的那雙手後來跟我並沒有結果。浪漫是多麼短暫的一剎那，無法預期未來會如何。
而我也從來沒告訴他，他給了我浪漫的悸動。

從前，騎機車的年紀，當時的男友會伸手幫我蓋上我的安全帽前罩。
他不知道這樣的一個小動作有多麼浪漫。

現在的男友喜歡餵我，看著他做飯，是非常幸福的事。
拔牙後，他做了幾天的嬰兒食品給我吃，他不知道這樣的細心有多麼浪漫。
他不知道牽著我的手散著步是多麼浪漫。

怎樣是浪漫？要遇到才知道。
我不要你誇口摘下星星，也不需要你會跳阿根廷探戈，更不想要你突襲我一個驚喜。

盯著 Andrei 的鈕釦，他的舞技進步了，越來越能夠掌握小小的竅門引領我做出看似花俏的動作。
我跳舞，因為開心。讓你看著我跳舞，如果你微笑，這就是一件浪漫的事。

洗牙

昨天是星期六，是個週末，我漏接了一通電話，本來以為是 marc 打來的，聽了留言後汗顏。
波蘭口音，我的牙醫竟然在週末的時候打給我，提醒我禮拜一早上九點十五分要去看牙。

自從去年悔不當初的莫名其妙的拔了兩次智齒，我就發誓再也不會在美國讓任何人碰我的牙。
但是第二次拔智齒的時候，拔牙醫生跟我說我的某顆臼齒的 filling 磨損了，該去填起來，我假裝沒聽到。尤其那時候麻醉剛退，我根本還沒完全醒過來。誰知道拔牙醫生也跟 marc 說了，要他提醒我。

我推說，我的牙醫在台灣。
marc 竟然去找了一個牙醫，還幫我掛了號。
心不甘情不願的去了，牙醫姓羅蜜歐，仔細的檢查了我的牙，照了 X 光。她說我拔智齒的傷口還腫腫的，不建議我現在就填補那個漏洞。跟我約了一個禮拜之後再去看她。日子到了，我編了一個理由，打了電話過去取消了我的門診。
那個時候是一月份。
後來 marc 唸了我好幾天。

一個月前，收到牙醫的一張明信片，提醒我該是時候洗牙了。
唉唷，服務這麼周到害我開始有罪惡感。
那張明信片一直沒丟掉，一直擺在我桌上，每天都看得到它，每天都跟自己說我晚一點該打通電話去掛個號。
一直到一個禮拜前，marc 突然天外飛來一筆說，你後來有沒有去看牙啊？我不想再帶你去拔牙了。
我白了他一眼，我說，你該去剪頭髮了。
他竟然說，你去約個時間看牙，我就去剪頭髮。

在台北的時候，每半年洗一次牙，一次半個小時。
那天，她花了整整兩個小時，仔仔細細的洗了我滿嘴。好像是髮型設計師一樣，拿著剪刀修來修去，東探探西摸摸，直到滿意為止。羅蜜歐醫生那個鏡子、鑽子、口水吸引器，配合著牙線、水蜜桃口味麻醉液、蔓越梅口味美白劑，最後再來個 X 光。

小小一個家庭牙醫診所，她一個人包下所有的工作，接電話、看診、推銷口腔保健產品、閒聊瑣事、收錢。
我只覺得我被好好的服務到了，感覺滿好的。

直到她說，你在九月以前還可以再來洗一次牙，你的學生保險讓你一年洗兩次，也就是說你還有一千塊錢還沒用到。
嗯，很感謝你的細心，但是張嘴張兩個小時是一件很折磨人的事情。我不想為了讓你多賺一千塊錢，三個月內洗兩次牙。

用了她推銷的漱口水，的確不錯，清新不刺激。
明天記得要心意堅定的跟她說，我年底才會為了洗牙去看她。

那天洗牙的時候，雖然她有給我帶一個護目鏡以防水氣噴到我的眼睛，但是大部分的時候，我還是閉上眼睛。
總覺得眼睛一張開，我就可以看見窗外的敦化南路，敦化南路上的綠樹。

brownie

I have quit drinking since the first day of 2006. Read my Chinese webpage for my New Year’s embarrassing incident in Bellagio.
However, I am still fond of beer and wine and taste a little, no more than half a glass. To waste my best friends’ gifts in judging beer and wine is the last thing I would do.
Zabeth says that you could always find beer in her fridge. The best beer in any given condition. She started looking for the best beer in Pennsylvania even before recovering from her jet lag. According to her German beer-tasting blood, Pilsner Urquell is the best beer ever. I have to believe her because Pilsner Urquell is Czech beer not German. See how unbiased she is. Her favorite German beer is Dortmunder Union Pils. To date, in her testing phase of Pennsylvanian beer, Hop Devil is the runner-up, while the existence of the winner remains promising. These are easy thing to remember. The difficult thing is when she try to explain me the differences among lager, ale, stout, etc.As to wine, Marc has various favorites, depending on what he’s eating. Chicken, fish, lamb, beef, rabbit, escargots, foie gras, or cheese; what kind of cheese, how the meat is cooked, what the function of the food is – an appetizer, entrée, or dessert. Serving the wine cold or warm sometimes also has to take the weather into account. Anyway, when it comes to wine, he is the boss.
Actually I am happy to be a follower, as long as the leader does not test my limit of patience. When I count on you, please make a decision no more than 3 minutes per possible choice. So far Zabeth and Marc are very good at deciding beer and wine for me. In addition, they are also good at taking over my glass if I cannot finish it.
All and all, the chance of me getting drunk is very low.
I don’t have popular bad habits, such as smoking, drinking, and gambling. I like doing yoga, go hiking, and taking hot bath. Basically I live a relatively healthy life. The last time I got seriously ill was 2 and half years ago.
I was sick at KirkStock last weekend. I hope he could updated the website with some pictures taken during that weekend. www.kirkstock.com
Kirk French is Marc’s friend in Anthropology Dept. He has lived in the middle of woods for 3 years and worked on the house and land for exchange of rent. He is leaving for St. Louis and thought it would be a great fun if people gathered together for a weekend.
It was a great fun. He and his friends invited 11 bands to perform on stage, which Marc helped to build up. His “yard” was so huge that tens of tents were uncrownedly scattered here and there.
The first night (June 2nd) was not very exciting because of rain. The bands didn’t start until 11pm. I played with Uno the cat who was only several months old. I watched Joe making sausages with the recipe from Spats. I sold a few KirkStock T-shirts with a red “staff” T-shirt on. I chatted with people coming in and out of the house. I waited for Marc returning from his shift in the parking lot (a large meadow field). I ate something. I talked to Cameron the 12-yr-old. I wrote something in my notebook. I didn’t give any portable toilet a chance. Eventually, Marc and I were tired out and went home. We didn’t camp there.
The other day (June 3rd) I found out that not many “staff” people camped there. It’s just much better to sleep in a dry warm bed.
The weather was much nicer. Marc and I went on hiking. Starting off from the performance stage, walking through dead branches and falling leaves, we found a hiking trail. We gorgeously hiked for one and half hour. The view was amazingly pretty at the top of the “mountain” (from a Pennsylvanian point of view). It was a plateau up there. Grass was freshly green. Tree trunks were deadly white but still straight from tip in the sky to root in the ground. Air was openly refreshing. Some rocks decorated randomly. The picture was great, and I condemned my forgetting carrying my camera.
We walked (and I slid) down a wide path for animals. Well, that’s what Marc speculated. It was like in Brokeback Mountain the movie, the path in mountains where sheep was going.
It was a very interesting and new experience for me anyway.
Joe was brilliant that he found an abandoned rusty van and turned it into an oven. An oven where the sausages were smoked. Smoked by burning apple tree branches inside the van.
The sausages turned out to be the most delicious food I had in the weekend. Very juicy, tasty, and chewy.
With my red staff T-shirt, I helped selling some sausages, T-shirts, and burritos.
In the kitchen, I saw a guy making brownies.
He said something that I didn’t register. I just smiled and walked away.
Later, Marc came to me with a brownie. I had a bite. Marc suggested me not to have more because there was “something” in it. I felt nothing and tasted nothing and cared nothing.
Before heading to the Wilcox Hotel’s performance (Jason and Ryan’s band), the brownie guy offered me another piece. Kirk saw me and asked me if I knew what that was. I said it’s a brownie. He may have thought I knew exactly what I would experience later. Actually I was way too innocent in this case.
After the Wilcox Hotel show, I was looking for a nice spot for my natural call. It was too dark in the woods. I didn’t feel like to pee under the condition that I could not see the environment where dogs and wild animals were running around. Finally, I used a portable toilet. What could I do!!?? I hated and still hate a portable toilet. It was one of the disgusting things in the world. My worst experience was in the Central Park of New York. That was a hot day. The toilet was FULL of unbreathable stuff. The seat was muddy. The… I don’t want to recall that event. Anyway I had to give in last Saturday night; otherwise my bladder would explode. It was okay. Some deodorant worked well. The “container” was not stuffed. There was even toilet paper. My goose bumps went off anyway but my mood did not change too much after using the toilet.
You know what, I could not help thinking about the portable toilet joke or tragedy when I was in the booth. The story went with a guy in one portable toilet in a parking lot. A car backing up bumped into the booth and pushed it down. The guy in the booth of course was horrified and smeared and pissed (the punch line).
Chatting on and off, I became bored and cold. It was me or the temperature? I was shivering. I went to sit down near the bonfire. Not for long, I went into the house and sat down on the couch and picked out my book to read. I could not focus on any single word. Literally unable to focus. My eyes were out of control. They just did not fixate at any location. I thought I may have got a cold or something because my head started aching.
Then Marc came along and asked me if I was alright. He told me the brownie now was digested and effects were showing up. I didn’t believe him at first. Later, I tried to stand up but my knees could not straight up or support my trunk. I knew something was up.
My whole body was obviously shaking now. Thomas came to sit beside me and tried to comfort me. He also had taken one piece but because of his body fat and his history of substance usage, he was fine and relaxed. Relaxed. He told me to be relaxed, which was supposed to be the effect of the brownie. I was not relaxed at all. I just wanted to stop trembling. Even my teeth were hitting each other. I figured the least uncomfortable state was to keep my eyes closed. Seeing a shaking world (due to my shaking eyeballs) was not very nerve-soothing.
Marc and I went to the balcony to be isolated from the crowd. Sick people were not allowed to be in a party because we depressed the atmosphere. I was being mentally mean and physically weak. Marc left me for help. People said drinking lots of water would help. Thus I was given bottles of water. People said throwing up would help. Thus there was a barrel for me to vomit.
I leaned on the damp couch, eyes closed, hearing people’s asking if I was alright. Matt, the neighbor of Kirk, came to pat my head and give me a bottle of water. Marc hugged me with his also shaking body. He didn’t feel well either. He said either the dosage was too high or the quality was bad. Either way, I should have not had it because I never had had it before.
I vomited. I drank water. I don’t remember how long we stayed there on the balcony damp couch. Kirk led me upstairs to lie down. He had one piece too but was okay.
Sara and Eric gave us a ride back home.
By the way, on the KirkStock Logo, by the guitar string, there was the signature of the designer, R. Gill. That was Sara’s sister. She drove 5 hours from Ohio to attend to this KirkStock thing. Very devoted. Actually many people came from distant places. A guy came from Texas because he has known Kirk for many years. Some fans of bands drove long way here. Many performers were not living in State College or any where in Pennsylvania.
I vomited for the second time on the way home. Sara pulled over and switched down the window for me. I felt bad that my vomited thing touched her car, but felt much better in stomach.
If that was the feeling of being drunk, I will not get drunk ever.
If that was the feeling of being high, I will get high with coffee only.
I slept almost all day on Sunday. That’s it. My brownie story.
I have preferred to follow Zabeth and Marc’s lead to sip some good beer and wine, now even so.
I liked the Brown Bird guy from New York. You can click on his link on the KirkStock.com
He was the most entertaining singer in the weekend. Wide mouth. Impressive outfit. Blue or jazz-ish style of singing. Great voice. He made me smile all the time when he’s on stage. That’s a natural high.