關於睡不著這件事

過去這一個禮拜，睡眠品質很差。.

找工作這件事，我深深感覺到堅持理想果然是一件很難的事。
首先，所有官方或私人機構提供的研究經費裡，認知心理學的研究經費大概佔百分之一，其中關於視覺注意力的研究經費大概有五分之一強。
但是身為一個非美國人，我能夠從美國機構申請的 postdoc fellowship 少之又少，少到像是一種傳說。而身為一個台灣人，我能夠從台灣機構申請的 postdoc fellowship 是斬釘截鐵的零。
所以就要尋找哪些教授已經有研究經費而且有餘錢可以養我的，email 已經寄遍了所有刊登徵人廣告的相關實驗室，也寄遍了所有我想得到找得到的教授去詢問他們有沒有 postdoc 的空缺，乞討著一點回音。
回信的，幾乎都說沒空缺，而絕大多數的人都不回信。
氣餒可是又爭著一口氣，還是繼續嘗試，還是繼續等待。
上個禮拜在亞特蘭大跟一個可能會雇用我的教授會面，下個月我要去休士頓，希望可以更有效的跟全世界傳達「我需要當 postdoc」的訊息。
有幾個晚上，找工作這件事情造成睡不著這件事。
我甚至在一個 milonga 前夕，情緒決堤，差點沒去跳舞。

然後是實驗那件事。
EEG 實驗很費時費力，這回我幾乎完全獨立作業不依靠 Toby，新的儀器新的技術新的問題新的習慣，花了很長一段時間去適應，去讓所有的程序流暢的動起來。
從四月到九月可以說是發展階段， Lyndsey 和 Rick 寫了 Matlab 的程式，讓我可以繼續用PC 的 Matlab控制我的實驗，而且傳送指令給 Mac 那端的 Net Station。四、五月間， Zabeth 和我受訓兩個禮拜，來熟悉 EEG 實驗的前序作業。
以為一切就緒，開始的三個受試者完全就是在測試 Net Station、Matlab 和我的自信心。
不過後來十二個受試者在 Zabeth 的幫忙之下，完成的還算順利。一個受試者花我兩個小時又 24 塊錢。
實驗做完不代表苦難終結，其實做實驗通常是最簡單最不用腦筋的部分。設計實驗和分析解讀數據才是最惱人的。
這套 EEG 軟體實在是不知道該愛它還是該恨它….
總之過了連續三十個小時的奮戰，我從一大堆腦波中離析出我認為有意義的部分。
然後….. 我盯著那個部分….. 一波接著一波，劃在螢幕上，比天書還難解。
碼的！意義？意義在哪裡？
我的數據告訴我：嗯，你的博士論文完蛋了。
Toby 試著安慰我，說我找到新的東西，所以我測試的理論都不成立，所以我可以提出一個新的理論。
儘管我再怎麼樂天，我好歹也在這裡打滾了四年多，我知道什麼是認知心理學，我知道EEG數據該長什麼德行，我知道那些波紋是在宣判我的失敗….
於是，當然睡不好。
夢裡，我仍然皺著眉盯著螢幕上的腦波。

感情生活也是一波又一波，平穩不下來。
兩個非美國人的博士候選人實在很難開心的好好相處，因為開心不起來。
Marc 跟我的處境差不多，加上他的危機感比我重，至少我的出路是明確的是學術研究（雖然我可能要轉行或是先教一陣子書），他的目標卻非常不清楚，而他又急於找到目標。
他的實驗數據更是比我更難分析，他的數據來自基因序列和染色體上的分子。
比較一下，我的研究是利用腦波尋找視覺注意力的焦點，他的呢，是利用基因學尋找人類起源。你不需要有博士頭銜就可以瞭解他的壓力可以比我的大很多。
兩個壓力大又不願意放棄業餘活動的人（我：阿根廷探戈加上一點瑜珈；他：瑜珈加上一點阿根廷探戈），留給對方的時間和精力變得少之又少，衝突和摩擦不斷，累積到一個程度之後，睡不好這件事又來煩我了。

可能是我習慣了找不到工作。可能是我知道我即將要去休士頓開會。
可能是今天我發現那可惡的 EEG 軟體擺了我一道，明天我應該可以重新分析數據，把天書變成無言易懂的漫畫書。
可能是這些天 Marc 交出了一份手稿，他逗我開心的時間多了。
我應該要睡得不錯了。

可能是天氣轉乾冷，我的皮膚又開始乾癢。
可能是下午六點多那杯拿鐵。
總之，現在凌晨四點，已經起床一個半小時的我，睡不著。

something pink

I do not like the color pink.
This is just a simple fact, requiring no reasons. It is natural for me not to like that color. There is no bad childhood traumatizing experience related to pink. It simply is not my favorite color.
I was very mean in high school. It was a girl school. Girls in that age usually liked pink, and so did most of my classmates. Once I yelled at a classmate because she was in a pink dress. (Even now thinking back and imagining that dress gives me goose bumps.) "How can you wear that disgusting color!?"
A company tried to offer me a job by saying "If you can bring the company some number of new costomers, you will be rewarded a pink toyota." I immediately rejected the offer.

Now I am a much nicer person. I understand that people have feelings. I do not just yell at anyone in pink. I do not just yell at anyone in pajamas outside their home. I do not just lecture anyone who eats cookies with trans fat. I do not just lecture anyone who takes an elevator from the 1st floor to the 2nd floor.
I smile and shake my head in my head, sighing "People!"

A saying in English expresses something so obvious but eveyone ignores it. It is "pink elephant" or "elephant in the room".
I see that elephant everyday.
I see that pink elephant e-ve-ry-day.
Do you know how this feels? It is like I see a real huge PINK image which would hurt my eye. I am so hurt that I cannot bring myself up to speak my mind. I cannot even shake my head in my head. I just have to turn away and not look at her.

Ooops.
Lyndsey and I came to Penn State at the same time. We have shared the office for more than 4 years. She is a very nice and smart person.
I admired her in the first year. She did a great job losing weight by eating so little for 12 months straight. I was hoping to see a great real-life example of the weight-watcher commercial. She was so confident and sharp and knowing her goals.
But she started doing things not very smart. She became a woman that she had not liked.

I liked her when she wanted to be fit. She gave it up when falling in love. Because her boyfriend (now husband) did not care about her body image. But losing weight is a good thing for herself, not for any other person. I was disappointed that she admitted her purpose of losing weight. She became even bigger. She stopped exercising. She panted after just walking a little section in the hallway.
It is unbearable that I am not brave enough to yell at her and witness her health condition getting worse.

She is expecting a baby next March.
Honestly, I do not think it is a good idea to have children at the same time as doing a PhD.
If I could go back in time, I would've told her:
Hey, dear Lyndsey, I am saying this as a caring friend. You should be very healthy before getting pregnant. You should know you can finacially support you and your family before getting pregnant. You should be more active. Walking more is not killing your feet. For your future and your baby, you need good health.

But I did not say it. I am not going to say it, either. How can I?
You are fat! You are too talkative!
No... I am not that mean teenager anymore.
It is too personal. I am not her best friend. I hope there is someone telling her the right thing.
I just do not get it. She is smart. She knows things. She should do her best for her baby and herself.

I am going to keep ignoring the pink elephant next to my desk.

玉米濃湯

在台灣的時候，玉米濃湯絕對是西餐廳必有前菜，不管是六十塊錢一客的牛排還是義大利麵，還是六百塊錢一客的海陸大餐。玉米濃湯代表著我正在吃西餐，上主菜餐前喝一碗絕對是一定要的。

來美國四年多，只喝過一次玉米濃湯，是一個室友煮的。
餐廳的菜單裡，找不到玉米濃湯，不管是在 State College 這個小鎮還是在紐約那樣的大城市，沒有玉米濃湯。
那麼，為什麼玉米濃湯在台灣是典型的西餐湯呢？
為什麼在美國的中國餐廳一定點得到春捲？
為什麼只有在台灣的泰國餐廳才有月亮蝦餅？
我們對於異國的刻板印象經常跟實際情況有一段撲朔迷離的差距。

有一天，Marc 問我晚上想吃什麼，問我想不想去吃泰國菜，我說我想去 the Corner Room（一個典型美國餐廳），因為我想吃他們的泰式沙拉。
我喜歡美國菜的泰式沙拉、法式冰淇淋和俄式三明治，沒有一個泰國人、法國人或是俄國人會認為那些是真正的家鄉菜，就好像我問過的美國人裡，沒有人常喝或是喝過玉米濃湯。
我喜歡台灣的可麗餅，尤其是在西門町獅子林戲院門口的那家。
美國的可麗餅就差很多了，不過 Marc 說在 State College 的那家賣的可麗餅，跟他媽媽做的感覺很像，有幾個口味是真的有法國的味道。
所以啦，台式月亮蝦餅和台式可麗餅是我在美國很難找到的，即使在紐約那樣的大熔爐，泰國餐廳裡面沒有月亮蝦餅，台菜餐廳裡不賣台式泰國菜，更別說什麼台式可麗餅，不可能出現在法國料理店的菜單上。
很多人經常問我，在 State College哪裡可以吃得到道地的中國菜，我說 Alex 的廚房。Alex 是我認識的朋友裡最會做飯的，可能跟湯哥和怡衿有拼，他們是那種我只要說得出菜名，他們就可以變得出來的人，不管是獅子頭、酸菜腰花、五更腸旺、無錫排骨、芋頭雞、牛肉麵、羊肉爐，還是波菜豆腐羹、粽子、餃子、包子，都可以在這個食材貧乏的小鎮徒手弄出好幾道吃了會想家的菜。接著我會說，鎮上至少有十家以上的中國餐廳，沒有一家是真的，或者只有一兩家的幾道菜是可以吃得出中國菜的味道。
為什麼呢？誰每餐吃春捲啊？誰會在餛飩裡包乳酪然後拿去炸？誰會在每道菜裡倒醬油？有多少人在雞上灑芝麻？有多少人吃青菜一定要沾醬油膏？
美國人不僅發明了 fortune cookie 還發明了 duck sauce，然後硬要說是中國飲食文化的一部份，不過就是餐飲業者的小聰明，讓刻板印象更深入人心。

前幾天，Alex 做飯，幾個朋友在她家聚一聚。
Charles 還滿會拿筷子的，一下子右手，一下子換左手。
Alex 說 “You are so white!”
白人或者是美國人才會這樣換手，就好像很多人右手寫寫字，然後換到左手（反正哪一隻手寫都一樣醜）。Alex 說還有一件 so white 的事，只有白人會加醬油在白飯裡。
我通常沒有什麼禁忌，我唯一堅持的是：不可以把筷子插在碗裡。他們要換手拿筷子、手不就碗、吃飯的時候喝水、拿筷子敲碗、碗裡留飯粒，我都無所謂，但是就是不要給我把筷子插在碗裡。Marc 早就知道我有這個禁忌，他就喜歡鬧我，然後觸動我那根龜毛的神經，然後我會把他的筷子放在碗邊，反覆這樣的動作幾次之後，就會有人發問，那天唯二的非華人除了 Marc 還有 Charles，所以他就問啦，我就答啦，然後又開始一連串 “so is it allowed that I ….?” 的問題，好像我餐桌上的糾察隊一樣。
Alex 要我們開菜單，下回她就不用絞盡腦汁去想要做什麼菜，只要做就好了。
我要玉米濃湯。

tangoing

You know you're a tango junkie when....
http://www.tangopulse.net/you_know_you_re_a_tango_junkie_when____.htm
You click the above link and read all sentences and laugh through lines and think "oh, those junkies"

Tango has changed my life. Yes, apart from yoga, the other thing makes me keep moving physically for more than 2 hours without intermission.
It has become a life style, being a tangoer. It has bigger impact than yoga on me because of the variety of music and the variety of dancers. AND I feel pretty, sexy, and confident when tangoing.
Yoga is good when I need peace and silence and being alone with a classroom of people.
Tango is good when I need human contact and escape from my frustrating research, and I find peace with another person flying on the dance floor.
I understand how to move my body better since practicing yoga. I understand how to feel with my whole body and respond with my whole body since dancing tango.

Marc has started dancing too.
Now he is not only sexy in the kitchen cooking but also sexy on the dance floor closely embracing me.

Why do we like what we like to do? Because those activities produce positive emotions in our head.
I am reading a great book "Our Inner Ape". I feel so warm and not alone on the earth. Humans are indeed different from other animals. But all different species are different among one another. So differences do not make one particular creature superior than others. I feel warm because this book describes similarities between humans, chimps, bonobos, other apes, moneys, elephants, dogs, and many many other primates (mostly chimps and bonobos, though) We as humans are not alone as a social, political, manipulative, sex-addictive, symbol-using, tool-making, pleasure-searching, friendship-holding, revenge-planning, or even more abstract, loving and hating animal.
We, as animals, do what we like to do is not because we want to have more and more offspring to pass our genes on and on.
We do what we like to do is simply we like eating crunchy cookies, watching movies, chatting with friends, reading novels, making love, taking hot baths, judging people on their back, wearing beautiful shoes, writing blogs, shoulderstanding, hiking, window shopping, drinking hot chocolate, making cute noices, and dancing.
We remember, as chimps, bononos, and elephants do too, episodes from long long time ago early in our life, and thus now we know who are our real friends and who are not; and faces of highschool friends and faces of elementary school bullies.
We celebrate life even we have an upset moment just several hours ago. We can still be cheered up by the most cheerful faces. (Like I frequently accidentally make Marc pinch my face and say so cute. His face of saying so cute to my face is so cheerful to me.)

If bonobos knew how to dance, they would've reduced the frequency of sex contact but started dancing this flirtatious dance. They would've tango in a less genderized way than humans. (Bononos have sex with everyone, same or different sex) In the world of humans, tango unfortunately is a sexist dance. Leaders are often males. A female do not get to dance until a leader comes to ask. Nowadays, in the US, in the circle of tango people are promoting both sexes should learn how to play both roles. I know many great female dancers can lead as well as follow. More and more guys are learning how to follow too.

I am learning how to lead for quite a while. Leading is very hard especially for me as a good follower (I am proud that I have this reputation on a dance floor).

Justin and I are offering a beginner tango class. It is very nice that from teaching I have learned a lot how to strengthen my own dancing basis and practiced a lot with different kinds of tango music.
But something is missing between Justin and I as dancing partners. It is the flirtation part. Even we danced so close that our upper bodies were touching all the time, I never felt sexually attracted.
When dancing from 11pm to 5am in Baltimore, I danced with many many different strangers. It did not matter how well they could dance. What mattered to a great dancing experience is the "connection" Tango is a heart-to-heart dance in terms of physical connection that literally I as a follower is lining up my heart postion to my leader's. In addition, the connection is also heart-to-heart in the sense of sexual chemistry or attraction. If the connection was good, I had a 5 to 10 minutes pure love affair with someone I didn't know the name and perhaps I would not see again. If the connection was bad, it was just a mechanical body movement looking like tango.
Justin is a gentleman, a nice guy who never says fuck in front of a lady (or female in general), a person who exercises proper manners everywhere. He rarely teases people in semi-offending ways. He smiles and says "have a great day" He is always trying his best to help and making best wishes to everyone.
He definitely is a good noble person. But being a tangoer, he should start trying different things as being a playboy.

Once I danced with Bryan. I could feel his inhalation into his lungs, transferring to my chest and my toes; his exhalation out of his noses and guided me to fly a long-legged step, inducing a involuntary gancho (my leg hooked to his leg or body). I couldn't help a pleasant sigh. It was such a nice feeling when the connection was that good. There was definitely some sex tension during those 3 minutes. But once the music stopped, he and I smiled at each other and said thankyou. Then I danced with Marc and he danced with Sophie.
Similar feelings to Charles too. Charles preferred to exploring different music or different dancing rhythm to old same classic tango music. I always felt excited when dancing with him. Tango is already a kind of dance without memorizing steps. Charles makes it even more challenging because of his playful and confident attitude. But he never made me feel challenged. He loved me when dancing with me. I felt being honored and protected and at the same time having fun. All the flirtatious touch, movements, and eye-staring were for the sake of an excellent dance, not for really sleeping with each other.

Justin and I are not tango beginners. We are intermediate beginners. Many things need to be learned. I need to learn how to be more aggressive to make my own non-led movement and at the same time even much more sensitive to follow the leader.

There are already so many unnessary taboos in life. Doing a number 2 and doing another person are on the top list. Tango and yoga is such a releaf from life of taboos. In yoga, I don't care about my own body image. I do not wear bras for example. In tango, I want to seduce my dance partner when dancing. I want him/her to get my message and return with flirtation by moving bodies so in sync that we are a part of music and we build up a little universe together and hold it intact for a few mimutes.