belief

"Without relying on religion, we look to common sense, common experience and the findings of science for understanding," he said.

I read this sentence and the article where this sentence was quoted while Bungbung was going through regular checkups. I stopped and smiled and frowned and nodding and shaking my head. A lot of thoughts, unorganized ones, have been in my mind for some time since I came to the US, seeing unbelievable conflicts between religion and science. This leader (presumably the US) of the Western world is actually not entirely embracing scientific reasoning, but a loud proportion of it is taking symbolic religious wordings so unreasonably seriously.

The person who was quoted is a world-famous spiritual leader. I don't read much about him. I don't know much about him. I don't identify myself as a student of the religion he represents. I never had any particular fondness toward him. But I like him because of that sentence.
I also like Kim because she once said "God gives us brain because he wants us to think."

The point I want to make is that religion and science are not opponents. Dalai Lama is almost equal to Buddhism from a Westerner's point of view. Kim is a dedicated Christian, specifically United Methodist. They don't ditch science.

Therefore, I should not ditch religion.

Three hours after Bungbung was released, I was reading an essay in the latest issue of Observer. The title was A Deadly Philosophy. The author, Wray Herbert, tried to answer the following questions in a short simplified way.
Why is the 20th century the deadliest century on record?
Why do people kill people for religion, ideology, or philosophy difference?
Why an alternative belief system is a threat to your belief system?

Blindly religious people, such as those who do not believe evolution but optical illusions, claim that they believe what they see, but in fact they see what they believe. True scientists try not to be biased (and they admit the possibility of being biased) to understand the world. I try to "see" things unseen because I know that eyes and our visual system is not very reliable.

Recently (if you have followed my blog) I was reading American Gods. I finally finished it. My reading was slowed down because this fiction actually is quite philosophical.

When Shadow (the protagonist) died, he was asked to make a choice after the final judgment by a god or by an instrument of a god. He chose nothingness. He then was left in a dimension of nothingness. By definition, there should not even be a dimension for nothingness. He was in nowhere. He had no form, no label, no name, no feeling of time, no emotion, no nothing.
Such beginning of an afterlife is so philosophical and consistent with my superficial understanding of Taoism and Buddhism. At the end, there is nothing. Because there was nothing at the beginning, and life is a circle, so death is a return to the beginning, which is nothing. At the individual level, life or death has no meaning. At the society or species level, life may mean something.
But Shadow was still there in a dimension defining nothingness. That's why he could be found and revived by a god in need of his help. So what is nothingness? If even nothing cannot last forever. The novelist, Neil Gaiman, tried to give nothingness a definition. Humans are meaning-making creatures -- I agree with Wray Herbert.

Another example is a monologue of a character Samantha Black Crow. Several bloggers actually posted the entire monologue online, like this one . I also found a YouTube video recording an event where Neil Gaiman read the entire monologue to his fans. I read the monologue at least twice when turning the pages. The first half of it is not very touching to my heart because of the cultural barrier -- I am not an American. The second half may articulate part of my belief system.

"... I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn't even know that I'm alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of causal chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck.
"I believe that anyone who says that sex is overrated just hasn't done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what's going on will lie about little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies.
"I believe in a woman's right to choose, a baby's right to live, that while all human life is sacred there's nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system.
"I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it."

Life is what happens when you're alive.

As put in the previously mentioned article A Deadly Philosophy, humans may be the only creature who knows we are going to die eventually. But we are not freaked by this fact because of religious, spiritual, or personal philosophical supports in our head. Human mind is amazingly good at processing incomplete information and creating meaningful believes to feed itself.

So I don't ditch religion. I believe in something that cannot be tested fully or objectively. I am not offended or afraid when my belief is proved wrong. Time changes. People change. Believes can change too.
I believe that believes can change. You can be scientific and religious at the same time as long as you are a scientist who is on a journey of finding evidence for and against your believes. I am.
I am a meaning-making creature.

no sex and the city

"I am going away for a week. I have not packed yet. My boyfriend doesn't know yet. Yes, I live with him. But I am so pissed at him right now. He keeps lying to me there is nothing more than friendship between him and that stupid co-worker who is going through her divorce which has failed ten years ago. Right, he sent her flowers. He stormed out of bed at three in the morning when he got her call. He spends more time with her than with me. I want to go away and see if he really cares about me at all." Veronica still looked very pretty and cool when finishing the speech.

I was so not used to people who are not happy in their relationships.
I am surrounded by people who are soooo happy in their relationships. Kim and Chris are happily married. Toby and Cathleen are a great happy couple. Zabeth and Stefan are as happy as any couple who sleeps with each other every night. Rose and Zach are getting married. Neffy, one of my best friends in Taiwan, is getting married in October. She told me on the same day there are two more couples I know are getting married too. Obviously it is a good day of getting married according to the lunar calendar because ChiaChen said he has to manage a way to go to three weddings on the same day.

So I was not prepared at all when listening to Veronica's story. She was upset at my first meeting with her. She reminded me of old days when friends shared their troubled relationship stories with me, and of old days when I myself was not happy.
Being reminded is not equal to being missing. My heart is so calm. I know I am getting old but I am not in a rush to find a life partner.

And I met Kat whose full name will not be revealed.
She was my two-night roommate in Chicago. She just finally found a job. Academia is a pretty hell for career development. She is at least 15 years older than me. She just found a real job.
More happily, she is getting married!
She doesn't look 10 years older than me. It is good to stay in shape and to be tiny. She looked wonderful.
Talkative, out-going, charming, beautiful social skills, nice smiles, and men liked her. I am not sure whether she did it consciously or not, but she definitely was flirting with every man. She asked me if I ever had a conference romance.

Jeff, the guy who had a huge crush on Kat, could not keep his eyes away from her. I thought they had met each other or work with each other some time ago. But no, Jeff just saw her in a poster session, and wanted to buy her dinner. I was there in a clueless position, asking about Kat's boyfriend. Jeff obviously did not care even if Kat was married. He asked weird personal questions that made me believe they had known each other since high school.
"How did your parents meet?" Jeff asked suddenly out of no where.
I frowned, but Kat answered anyway. Jeff was not looking at me at all so he would not see my facial expression.
"We were high school sweet hearts." Jeff said to me. Kat didn't defend herself but later said to me "of course we met when we were four. Oh, no, he is at least 7 or 10 years older than me."
I found that night totally bizarre and annoying even though the food was fantastic and Jeff paid for it.
Am I going to become Kat?
Well, I wish my body will be as attractive as she is when I am in my 40s.
She has tried many many years to meet people and to find a guy to have a relationship. She must be very experienced and practiced her flirtation very well.

On the second day, I met her in the reception where chocolate sticks were my favorite. She asked me if I met any cute guys.
How unconventional. Zabeth would ask me if I went to any interesting talks.
My answer was shaking my head with a smile to Kat's question. As to the talks, this conference was unexpectedly good, probably because it happened to be its 20th and special people were invited to talk.
The real answer unspoken (because my mouth was occupied by chocolate) was yes. It was a cute guy who took the picture of me withe tulips and chocolate sticks. But I didn't feel like filling Kat's curiosity or maybe her usual greeting line.
I am a big Sex and the City fan. But talking like a SATC girl with a temporary roommate?
No, thank you. You can go to the counter and get a free wine for me.
The city of the Sex and the City is not Chicago although I fell in love with Chicago. Conference romance? If it ever happens, so? Long distance? Not interested. Move on. Let's just enjoy the city and call it a great trip.

Click the picture below and see how much I heart Chicago.

I heart Chicago

something has begun

The wandering-around-the-world-with-a-physical-destination begins at 11:24am of the beautiful sunny Saturday, May 17. After living in South Orange for about a year, I decide to go for the idea of taking a bus to the airport. Just by coincident, my flights from Newark were always in weird hours before sunrise, which forced me to take a cab when no cars are running on streets, or ask Kim to drop me there before she falls asleep. This time, in the middle of a sunny day, online bus schedules inform me that if I wait at the bus stop a block away from my apartment, I can arrive in the airport in 30 minutes.

Yeah right. I don’t believe it at all.

So I ditch Jason who is chatting with me on MSN and take a trip to the bus stop. Obviously, there is no schedule or route posted on the stop. I interviewed an Asian woman waiting for a bus, who tells me that … I am not sure what she tells me. I doubt her understanding of English and am sure that I have difficulty understanding her English. My mood is still good, and I get back home and call the bus hotline. The Black woman (I am confident to decide she is black) who answers the phone confirms the bus schedule.

Yeah right. I don’t believe the bus will be on time. Nevertheless, I drag my luggage out and wait for the bus at 11:24am.

The bus ride shows me places I have never visited or will ever visit. It is a culture adventure. In my daily routine, it is not easy to see people with those demographic profiles: Latinos, Blacks, and very young parents. I am the only Asian, the only passenger going to the airport (which the bus driver knows because I confirmed with him that the bus is going to the airport), the only person who carries luggage and a tube. Of course, the bus driver remembers me after 50 minutes – never believe the bus schedule – and reminds me to get out of the bus when he stops in the parking lot of the airport.

This is not my first time in the parking lot of the Newark airport. I know it is far far far away from terminals. As I am planning how I can drag my stuff to the terminal, the bus driver says “Just wait right here for 37. Right here.” I am glad the sun is still standing by me and I am not too afraid when the sun is with me. So I stand there, seeing the bus driving away. In less than 3 minutes, Bus 37 appears, approaching, and I smile.

Two hours before the scheduled departure, I am at the X-ray gate. Not bad at all.
Thirty minutes before the scheduled departure, I am calling Zabeth that the flight is going to be delayed for three hours.

Captain: “We will be landing in 20 minutes.”
Twenty minutes later, I throw up everything I ate: two apples and two TLC mixed-trail bars.
Captain apologizes and keeps circling around the city for 30 more minutes. Me and the vomiting bag are scaring my neighbors out, and they avoid any gaze in my direction. When the plane touches the ground, hands are clapped, and a tissue is handed to me by the Chinese woman next to me.

The shuttle takes me to the “on-site” Enterprise in ten minutes, which feels like an hour in a dark rainy evening.
Representative, whispering: “Only 5 dollars a day, I can upgrade you an SUV.”
Pei, not whispering at all: “No. I reserved a compact car. I want a compact car.”
Representative: “Cobalt.”
Pei: “What?” I have very limited knowledge of car model names, “Is it a compact?”
Representative: “No, it’s a four-door.”
Pei: “Is it small?”
Representative: “The smallest we have right now.”
What is the purpose of reserving a car in advance? I wonder.
Because it is pouring now, he goes into the car with me and shows me how to operate the car and checks everything. He, whispering with alcohol breath, this time tries to convince me to buy expensive insurance. I just want him to leave me alone with the car. I say, no, give me the basic coverage and tell me good radios for the road.

I am on I-88, playing with windshield wipers to find the perfect speed of wiping so that I can see anything in front of me. Very different from Beetle, Cobalt’s wiper switch is very cognitively demanding. From time to time, I see something remote in clouds. After miles of traveling, I see clearly lightning across in sky. Literally across from left to right. Many many of them. My two hands are clutching on the wheel, and my brain is saying “You are safe in a car.” By the time I hit I-80, the moon comes out and companies me to Zabeth’s place. I like the moon.

The street name is Aber, where a good number of kindly cards were sent from by Rose. She is in bed when I am served with hot white chocolate of Teresa’s. I am never a fan of white chocolate, not to mention Hershey white chocolate, but I am too exhausted and starving to say no to any gesture of hospitality.
Click the picture below to see what happens in the next few days.

Midwest trip

島人的世界觀

曼哈頓，應有盡有，來自各國的美食，各種戶外活動和社交場合興盛到莫名其妙，從貴到可以買小國的皮鞋到三塊錢一碗的湯麵，從河景到海景，從太極到瑜珈，從非洲舞到拉丁舞，從四季變換的室外到冬熱夏寒的室內，從擋住天際的摩天大樓到一望無際的中央公園。
於是，曼哈頓以為這就是全世界。


台灣，應有盡有，來自中國各省和東洋的美食，各種補習班和一窩蜂熱潮，從捷運到高鐵，從山景河景到海景，從好茶好米到香甜的水果，從健身房到公園，從綜藝節目到百貨書店，從雨季到熱季，從名牌包到地攤貨。
於是，台灣以為這就是全世界。

越是富庶的島，越覺得自己是精華中的精華。
怪不得紐約的台灣人超多，怪不得台北長大的小孩會覺得紐約的空氣真有家鄉味。

我總是搞不清楚東歐西亞北非國家的地理位置，更不用說他們用什麼語言或是什麼樣的文化，sorry... many friends of mine, such as Javor and Sesa :p
小時候，無聊時我最常看著站在窗外的鐵欄杆上的麻雀們，(台北的鐵窗應該可以和紐約的逃生梯一起並列世界大城奇景)，每一次聽到同學出國遊學或是出國玩，我就對著麻雀說有一天我也要飛出這個島，我一定要。
我飛出來啦，世界觀有大一點，但是還是會想家，城市是我的家，將會是我的家，我的島。

(點一下上面那些圖，可以看清楚一點)

murmuring before bed time

I was buried in medical records, stored in Jenny's office. Jenny is our research coordinator. She started the job in February but is still learning what is what and where is where and what to do and where to go.
I started my job last July. I am not better than her. I am learning a whole new different thing than basic research. In some sense, I am still doing research but not in visual cognition. I am doing research of finding mysteriously lost medical records or experiment data. Many times, I complain about it and miss the purer research environment of a university. Now I have a different attitude. I am watching a live show of soap opera. It can be quite amusing sometimes.

I was buried in medical records in Jenny's office. Jenny and Cristin were discussing about whatever they were discussing about. Noise from next door came through the wall, a piece of thin wood. It sounded like people were arguing loudly over there.
Cristin said she couldn't believe how much drama was going on in that lab. People of that lab would talk behind people about not getting email invitation of some casual social gathering. Patty things like that.
I nodded and said in my head "Oh, you think there's no drama in this lab? Because you come to the lab only one day a week. Because gossips never go to your ears."

I am a listener. I am very good at it. No matter where I go. No matter whom I meet. No matter Chinese or English, people talk and I listen and I ask questions allowing them to talk more. Or I nod.
Probably that's why I can be a good follower in tango. I listen and adjust myself and keep the dance going unless the leader is really annoying.
Annoying example number one is my so-called "typical" American girls. Even though I categorize them as "typical", I have not met many of them. Probably it is because not many "typical" American girls go to a graduate school or dance tango. There were two in my lab. Now one. Lucky me, the remained one is the one I can endure better. This one... I wish I could just put a pillow on her face when she's talking. She is the generation of strawberry -- has no strength to absorb pressure while keeping a good shape of niceness.
If Cristin had listened to Miss Strawberry, she would've not said our lab was so harmonious. If she had listened to Kim, Millie, Kristen, Jenny, and me about Dr. Anna, she would've called our lab a drama club.

I like Cristin a lot. She is so capable and available. Even though she is a medical doctor and her research title is a level above mine -- she is a part-time research scientist and I'm a full-time postdoc research fellow -- she assists me like a super research assistant. Her specialty is to solve my problems related to hospitals and medical records. I have complimented her directly and she agreed! She likes to solve problems and likes the feeling of accomplishment. Me too. So I like her and like to throw her with problems.
Cristin is a great co-worker. Within a snap, things are done.
Trouble shooters are so precious. Don't you leave me, Cristin.

I can feel the difficulty of running a lab. Research assistants usually leave after a while. They don't get a sense of responsibility as much as the limited work hours allow them to. Research coordinators or secretaries don't come from a science background. People have different personalities. Girls are not as straight-forward as boys, and our lab is a female lab. Sometimes I just can't see through everyone's mask. Sometimes I think I am wearing a mask so that I think everyone has a mask on. This is probably why I feel soooo tired everyday. I miss Toby for I could just walk into his office and say whatever on my mind. I cannot do the same now here.

Jerry apologized to me for his rude email wordings. I was actually not offended at all. I like it when we quickly exchange email back and forth without the greetings at the beginning and abundant thankyou at the end. I prefer working with boys or people who just snap and work things out. That's why I like Cristin.
However, boys are not always my favorite. This boy assistant working for me has created more work for me.
See? It's not easy to categorize people based on gender.

The last thing I want to murmur about is why medical records are sent via regular mail! This really bothers me. What if the record is lost in mail? No way to track it. And the reply I got is "Send the request again. We will send again." So they simply allow lost medical records flowing around in the mail dimension.
Trust me. I still don't know what happened to the second check I mailed to VW.

Let me call it a day for now. Don't take any negative energy I put here. Watch the video below and smile and good dreams to you :)

at the 180th mile

Before the rock wall of the mountain appeared in front of me, I had already anticipated it two miles ahead. Counting centi-mile by centi-mile, my heart beat started accelerating with Bungbung. I bet my bug would smile even bigger than he already does if he were a living creature. He would sense his master, me, who smiled hugely when the rock wall came to view.

At the 180th mile of Interstate 80 in PA, it is my favorite scene. It changes as the season changes. It is magnificent in its own way in each season. Now it's springy green. Trees look tiny on the rock wall, whose size is like an entire Manhattan avenue block that contains 100-floor buildings only.
I like rocks in general. I like huge rocks. I like to feel physically small so that I will feel mentally humble.
I feel so small and humble every time I drives by the 180th mile of I-80.

I don't know how many times I have driven by there. Last time before today was a year ago.
It feels like a life time ago.
In front of time, I can't help but feel small and humble. Memory carries me away to many different events which have lost their colors.

The golf course sat outside the window. I could smell it even though in reality I was smelling waffles. I used to take walks across it.
"You are weird." Nat and Alex said.
They think my enjoying walking not understandable. Before 8, I walked because I didn't have other options. At 13, I walked because I started being educated to stay fit. Since 15, I walked a lot because I liked it. At 23, I walked because I didn't have other options. Since 25, I walk a lot again because I like it especially when I can walk with people I like.

"Do you go to Euro Club often?" A random guy asked me when I was filling gas by myself (which I hadn't done for a year. It's not allowed to fill gas by the driver in NJ.).
I looked at him. I don't know him. I shook my head and said "I used to go there often but that was long time ago."
The first time I attended to the regular Wednesday gathering of Euro Club at Allen Street Grill was the fall of 2004. A postdoc from Switzerland took me there. I must have been a nice person then. Or I must have been bored. He was a very weird dorky geek. He mentioned about the European student club (aka Euro Club) and I said ok I would check it out with him. I never liked him but thanks to him for that Wednesday night. I have met a bunch of great friends from the club. That was the first time I met Audrey, a Singaporean student in my department. That's right, not just Europeans go to Euro Club. That's right, I/O psych students and cog psych students usually don't know each other in the psych department. Audrey and I remain good friends.
Last night, I had dinner with 5 Europeans at Allen Street Grill but the dinner did not remind me of the Euro Club. Instead, the random Indian guy at the gas station popped a question and a series of memory waved into my mind.

The past two days, the guy downstairs woke me up as he usually did at the old time. He cursed or coughed loudly every morning. Before my eyes opened, I thought I was still in an old dream. I am glad that Nat has changed the apartment totally. Nothing looked the same, and I opened my eyes with relief.

At least eight friends are moving out of State College in the next few months.
Alexa said I started the trend.
No, don't blame me. I had seen people come and go. I didn't start the trend. It is just a natural trend of State College. People don't stay. People come and play and leave. All of us carry at least one degree away. Away is the point. Some leave with great things such as a spouse or a baby. Some leave behind things such as memories of ex-lovers.
Leave. Sooner or later. Leaving is worth of celebration in State College. So I celebrated for the entire weekend and toasted "Congrats!" to friends who had companied me for some years.

And I left.
To see the rock wall at the 180th mile.
To smile.
To feel small and humble.
To reset.


... resetting

happiness found in a kitchen

Should I go to Chicago or Montreal at the beginning of July?
Tango or Jazz?

Vivien, the rumor spreader, confessed to me that it was she who mistakenly told everyone in State College that I was going back last weekend. The rumor became a milonga. I hope no one actually went to the milonga for me. Well... a tiny hope that someone did go there for me as if I was very important ;p

I'm very excited. Not because State College is the best town in North America, which it really is not. It's because there are people who care about me. Alex is cooking for me like what she'd done when I was there. Nat is hosting me in my previous apartment (my previous life). Friends are responding my email. Suddenly I am popular again, which feels really good.

Having friends from all over the world is one of the best things in the world.
State College, though not the best town in North America, is a great international town. Or I should say that's the best thing about an American university: People come from all places to study and play. Here I have been in North Jersey, in a research center, for 10 months. Finally I met an European and an Indian this week. A real Italian, not Italian American (which is what half of my co-workers are). A real Indian, not Indian American (which counts for probably 10% of my co-workers). Before Paula and Alkar came, I was the only person in the center who needs to visit the International Office.

New faces make me smile or ... laugh.
They are so new to this country and to this institute. They are going to face what I faced and to complain what I have been complaining. And soon we will be good friends and complain together.
Complaining about America bonds non-Americans together. That's what I miss about State College.

I forget why I posted the ad for Chicago Tango Week in the first place.
Anyway, we tango around in all aspects of life. Hope to meet someone who can be partners, on dance floors and in real life. Hope to meet someone who connects with us. For example, someone happy to cook for me :) and I like her cooking. That's a great connection!

Congrats to Master Alex!
(the title of this post may coarsely translate the title of her blog
a more literal translation should be "looking for sweetness/happiness among fuels, rice, oil, & salt")

brush it green

This is how my toothbrushes were made.



Go green one thing at a time.
I started trying it out several months ago. I like how the handle was designed, greatly fitting the human factor. And the brush is very soft, so far my favorite. After 3 months (which is a normal life span of any toothbrush), I mailed the brush back (without paying postage) for recycling. The product itself is good and the recycling part of the product, which is the whole thing including the packaging, for me is an extra bonus psychologically.

A new food market has just opened three blocks away from me.
It means that I don't have to drive to lovely Whole Foods to get organic food anymore. I like stores in walking distance.
I know, I should just move into the city. The waiting time should not be long. The matter is just which city, not just the city, will welcome me.

Tunnel fees have gone up from $6 to 8. Gas price has been soaring too. These facts block me from driving into the city. At least before my salary is higher than a postdoc typically earns, the train will be my feet to the greener side of the river, where people like to walk, where people care more about the environment and health.

Doing something good to the environment, even if the something is tiny, makes me feel good. It is like the other day, my yoga practice improved a tiny little step (which only I would notice), which made me feel very good. Or like tango, I was led to do something very nicely to a milonga melody, which made my body smile.
So for the psychological element -- feeling good --, I will keep doing something good to the earth. I know, now it sounds like some selfish behavior. So? I am selfish. I like to be happy. I like anything that makes me happy.