"Will you dance again?" 'Oh yes! As soon as I can walk.'
So I was wrong. Dennis will dance again. He is of course very upset about this tragedy. But it is the drunken driver to be blamed. Marylin's death and his damaged leg are not the result of one night tango.
When I was robbed, some blamed tango for I returned home late because of it. No way. I keep on dancing and of course am more careful about my neighborhood.
Victims are not the ones being responsible for all these. 'She was such a nice person and did not deserve this.' I nodded with him and looked away.
When I knew he was transferred to Kessler, I was like "oh shit". People going there usually need intensive rehabilitation and close care after the acute state. I went directly to the 2nd floor, hoping he was there because patients on the 3rd floor usually are more severely injured. I did not see him. Taking a deep breathe, I climbed up one more story. I did not see him. Did he come over at all? Or the transfer schedule was changed? Or he suddenly got worse and got transferred out to acute care again? All questions went through my mind. I went to the reception and asked for him. He was actually on the 1st floor where I seldom walked around for patients allocated there were different from traumatic brain injury, spinal cord injury, stroke, or any other central nerve system diseases.
The closer I got closer to his room, the more nervous I've got. I didn't know what to expect. There were messages on the Facebook, but none of them clearly described his condition. I was afraid that I would not handle it. As I knocked on the door, his bright voice answered. I opened the door. He looked at me with his head tilted. I went "Remember me?" 'Yeah, of course! What are you doing here?' And he showed me his usual smile which comforted me a whole lot.
After chatting for 20 minutes, I felt much better. It was me being relieved. It was me needing this visit. His good spirit moved me. His injury not involving central nerves calmed me. It may take a couple years for him to recover to the degree when he can dance again, but the day will come. He will recover.
Take care and get better. I hugged him as I had always wanted to do for two weeks. The sun felt warm in the close-to-freezing temperature. Take care and get better.
On Facebook, I sometimes accept people as my friends even though I never met or talked to them before. These people are tango dancers around the world. They are the resources for me to find nice dance floors in case I travel. I will click on the "common friends" link to see who the common friends are to determine whether I will accept the "friendship".
One day, I saw a picture saying that he may be a friend of mine because he and I share one common friend. This common friend was my high school classmate, who coincidentally became my housemate in State College because I did not keep in touch with any high school classmates. The guy appeared in the picture was my friend, but we lost contact. The picture was taken more than 4 years ago when he and I (and two other non-friends who I forgot their faces and names) went to Atlanta.
I had much longer hair and prettier face 4 and half years ago. See the left picture. Coincidentally, colors match in these two pictures, which could mean that I have not changed.
What has changed is the experience. The reason of the change is the experience too. Years ago, I went to Georgia Tech because the friend liked to visit schools when he visited a place he'd never been. Days ago, I went to the High Museum because Superstar liked to visit museums.
Years ago, I took pictures of the Coca Cola Museum because the friend liked the idea. Days ago, I passed by the new Coca Cola World in Downtown (the previous museum in Five Point had been closed down after my last trip) and did not take any pictures because Superstar and I had no strong interest in Coca Cola.
Years ago, I went to places because I did not express what I really wanted to visit but simply followed the friend. I was a nicer person back then. But I should have not been nice. I should have been a better advocate for myself. Over the years, I have realized that being nice is definitely not a good strategy in a new relationship for being nice may deliver incorrect messages and cause grief. Days ago, I went to places because Superstar and I both wanted to visit those places without blaming each other if the place was disappointing (such as CNN). I enjoyed myself much more than previous visit to Atlanta because all messages were delivered explicitly without mistakes.
See? I have learned and am happier. The younger me may leave scars on people who coincidentally came and left my life. I thank them for enabling me to learn and grow. Trust me that the current me is an improved version.
It was actually good that I did not the Georgia Aquarium 4 and half years ago. Because it was a new experience this time. With Superstar and two other friends who I will not forget their faces and names.
When was the last time your parent called you for simply telling you how much she/he loves you? When was the last time you called your parent for simply telling her/him how much you love her/him? Not for any commercially induced reasons. Not for any socially regulated virtues. Not for any obligations such as Father's Day, Mother's Day, or birthdays. Simply for one reason that you and your parent truly feel the love and want to explicitly express it and successfully deliver the message. When?
My answer is last night. Mama called in the middle of my dinner with colleagues. Her voice was full of joy. She simply said 我突然很想告訴你,我很愛你. Translation: I suddenly want to tell you that I love you very much. (Mind you, non-Chinese speakers, it is very difficult for a Chinese speaker to say these words.)
This is a test for the receiver of the love message. This is to test whether the receiver has the same feeling too. If so, the receiver will truthfully reply "I love you very much too." If not, there will be an awkward moment that both parties can definitely sense it but not be brave enough to acknowledge it right away. See? It is very much similar to romantic love: Feel it or not. Say it or not. Break up or not. Sweet burden or bitter drag. My reply to Mama was I love you very much too.
Like telling your lover your feeling, pick up the phone now and call you parent(s) if you love him/her with strong affection without lying or leaving wrong impression.
一年多前的某個週末夜，我在探戈舞會上遇見 Dennis，他是一個年輕的金融分析師，他說他每個週末都會來紐約跳舞，即使他工作的地方在康乃狄克州，我說我也是，即使我工作的地方在紐澤西州。 沒多久，他帶了一個中國女生來跳舞，從那女孩子的穿著我知道她剛剛才開始接觸探戈，因為她的舞鞋不是舞鞋。 阿哥廷探戈的舞鞋的鞋跟要很細很輕很高，這樣會幫助舞者把重心放在腳板的前半部，上半身會直挺挺的順勢的優雅起來。 Dennis 跟我介紹他的女友，Marilyn 說她在紐約大學念法律，我說歡迎來跳探戈。 接下來的每個週末我都可以看到他們兩個的身影，偶爾跟 Dennis 聊天的時候，他說他現在都開車進紐約待一整個週末，不用跳完一整夜之後還要開車回去，因為 Marilyn 住在紐約市裡。
Marilyn 進步的很快，舞鞋也買的很多，有的時候我只看到她沒看到 Dennis。她已經變成了狂熱的探戈舞者了。想當初我也是呢，我笑了。 Superstar 學舞的這幾個月裡，也變成了狂熱的舞者了，滔滔不絕的一口舞經，我常常聽著他說話，回想著我跟 Zabeth 每次上完一堂探戈就會滔滔不絕的說著探戈，每次在舞池外遇到也跳探戈的人就會滔滔不絕的說著探戈。 最近 Superstar 常常跟 Marilyn 練習，他們都在我跟 Dennis 最喜歡的老師門下。前天 Superstar 才跟我說起他跟 Marilyn 練習的情況，他們是多麼有興趣的試著不同的腳步和變位，我有點羨慕剛剛學舞的人的熱情，我懷念那種因為學習新東西而開心的心情。
然後，昨天凌晨一場舞之後，一個酒醉駕車的紐澤西警察在曼哈頓撞死了 Marilyn，撞斷了Dennis 的腿。 DJ Ko 在 Facebook 上建了一個社群，不到二十四小時，兩百多人為他們難過，為 Dennis 禱告。 一整夜我的腦袋裡盤據著，那張車禍現場的照片(一個穿著長筒馬靴的曼哈頓警察站在 Marilyn 被塊布的屍體和散落物旁邊)，那報導的第一句話(A drunken New Jersey cop plowed into a young couple walking home after a night of dancing in Manhattan)，和去年的某一個週末：我在 Union Square 遇到 Dennis，他以他一慣的笑容叫住我，他手裡拿著一束花，說他正要去跟 Marilyn 一起吃晚餐，問我晚上會不會去 SteppingOut 的通宵舞會。
月圓了 Marilyn 的父母正從上海飛來 Dennis 剛剛出了手術房 活著的更是痛吧 獨生女不在了 探戈他應該是不會再跳了
CH is sick. He dropped 60 pounds in 6 months. His doctor thought he might have celiac disease, and therefore he has stopped eating anything containing gluten. However, all tests show nothing evident to tell whether his illness is actually celiac disease. Without gluten, he still feels pain in his stomach. He keeps losing weight and has changed his entire wardrobe. If it was not celiac, what is it? What is it keeping CH from absorbing nutrients? Today CH's doctor decided to refer CH to another specialist, meaning "sorry I cannot help you." Within a call, CH found out that the specialist refused to see him because she does not accept his health insurance.
I shaked my head on the other end of the phone while listening to Kim's updating on her love-of-life husband's situation. Kim herself is a doctor in general medicine. So are her father and brother. However, one family is not going to be seen or treated because of non-coverage of health insurance. Making a doctor appointment may takes days to weeks, and waiting for results may takes weeks to months. "Any disease or even cancer, we are ready to cope. We just want to know what it is." Kim said. "I wanted to send him to the emergency room, where they have to run tests on him immediately," Kim continued, "but the bill may be high. He was too tired to go out although he was in great pain that night. He talked me out of it." Kim's father offered financial help if CH has to be treated without insurance coverage. CH is at an executive manager level. Kim earns a good figure as the first-year attending physiatrist. When one of them got sick, the possibility of not being able to pay off the medical bill frightens me. The purpose of paying for insurance is to be insured when in need. Now on top of being sick, it must be super distressful as CH learns that his rare health situation is not insured.
How can a doctor turn down a patient for the reason irrelevant to health? This is the most mind-boggling thing. I have shared my praise for Sicko, but I hate to see what was documented keeps happening. Do you Americans really have more empathy for a puppy with a hurt paw than for a person without health insurance? What would a doctor do when he/she see a hurt puppy and an uninsured injured person?
US may be the biggest spender on health care, but the people are not best cared than the rest of the world. Huge amount of money pours into the health insurance business and the health care bills, but the results of care are not hugely better (if not as good as, or worse) than other countries. Why do Taiwanese Americans go back to Taiwan for medical treatments and physical check-ups? Because they are affordable even without insurance and because people can make an appointment now and see a doctor tomorrow (if not today). Why wait for treating an illness? Long ago, a friend accidentally hurt her tail bone. She tried to make an appointment and got an answer that the only available orthopedic doctor in town could not see her until 3 months later. She flew back to Taiwan and got herself treated well (not sure if it was curable) in a month.
I may come to US at its worse time for the recent several decades. The health care system along with other performing-below-everyone's-expection systems (e.g., economy, education, environment care, etc) are pretty scary. I am not so worried because my job is not influenced much by economy, because I have done my basic education before coming here, because I can always depend on Taiwan for my health care, and because I believe, if Obama fails to do so, forces from private sectors in US are strong enough to bring awareness to the public's interest in caring the environment and acting upon the crisis. Now Obama is promoting his expensive stimulus/investment package. I have read articles in hard-copy and electronic newspapers. In the New York Times Magazine, I found a nice summary essay for laymen to understand why this package is critical and neccessary for US to rise again. This essay makes me smile. Down the road, I may highly possibly build a life or even a family during Obama's presidency. In his inauguration, Obama said that it does not matter whether the government is small or big, as long as the government works. (Which reminded me that as once mocked in the Colbert Report, the Bush government did not work but suck.) I really have high hope to see this country change for better and in a direction leading its residents and citizens to a well-cared and well-caring life.
I wish I could do anything for CH. I could only wish. It must be something traveling back with him. He has traveled to dozens of African countries that I never knew. Please be a curable disease.
I don't know you But I want you All the more for that Words fall through me And always fool me And I can't react And games that never amount To more than they're meant Will play themselves out
Take this sinking boat and point it home We've still got time Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice You've made it now
Falling slowly, eyes that know me And I can't go back Moods that take me and erase me And I'm painted black You have suffered enough And warred with yourself It's time that you won
Take this sinking boat and point it home We've still got time Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice You've made it now
Take this sinking boat and point it home We've still got time Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice You've made it now Falling slowly sing your melody I'll sing along
Once upon a time, I gave a gift to a man who I thought was my first love. The gift was a jigsaw puzzle game featuring a man who was going to dive into a jar labeled "love". The puzzle pieces were stored in a jar actually, and I thought giving a jar of love was a very lovely idea. My first ever boyfriend looked at the gift and looked puzzled. He said "Why do I want to fall into it?" "Because I am in it." I childlikely made a response. "In what?" He matter-of-fact-ly had no idea.
Since then, I have had no luck in picking a gift for my boyfriends. Every time when I spent days and nights and dreams making a decision on a gift idea, I failed. Picking a gift is a terrifying test for me and my partner. If he does not like it, it means that I don't know what he likes, suggesting that I don't know what he wants, implying that I don't know who he is or that he doesn't know who I am either. Therefore, receiving a gift is also terrifying. The same man who didn't understand the metaphor of diving into love gave me a horrible gift: a plastic/velcro wallet with Mickey Mouse on it. Although he got the color right (of course the classy color blue), I never took a second look at it. Worse, he sang me my favorite song at that time. I just cannot stand anyone dedicating a song to me by singing it to me, way way more destructive than romantic. It's the effect of pink. Even worse, he taped it. I couldn't finish playing it. "How do you like the gifts?" He asked. "You are very sweet." was all I could say. I did not fall in love with him.
English cleverly distinguishes the verb "love" and the verb phrase "fall in love", and I love this distinction. It enriches my thinking about romantic love. Last year, Harry Reis and Arthor Aron published a peer-reviewed article "Love: What is it, why does it matter, and how does it operate?" to summarize how philosophers and psychologists have scientifically studied this subject in the journal called Perspectives on Psychological Science. (You may google Harry Reis, Univ of Rochester for requesting the article.) They defined romantic love "as a desire to enter, maintain, or expand a close, connected, and ongoing relationship with another person or other entity, and we limit our discussion to this variety of love. By entity, we refer to specific targets (in addition to humans) such as pets, fictional characters, or even deities.We limit our focus here to love as it is experienced between adults in relationship contexts, excluding such examples as nonspecific compassionate love (e.g., love of humanity), love of inanimate objects (e.g., ice cream), and arelational lust (e.g., sexual arousal outside of relationship contexts)."
The first three words of the quotation is "as a desire". This desire makes me want to please him even though I am afraid that the possibility of making him pleased is not high. This desire makes me try and try again. Jason gave me the soundtrack of Once before I watched it or even knew about it. I rented the movie for allowing myself to listen to the soundtrack. Call me principle-sticker if you like. The guy in the movie reminded me of the sunny boy I met two summers ago, especially the way how they said "cool" or "brilliant". Like the movie, the meeting with the sunny boy was like a series of music but nothing meaningful enough to touch my core. The story was too simple and the emotion was too light and the characters were too shallow. The entire thing was like a long music video. Music was good though. But for love, music is not enough. I agree with the award givers on the quality of the songs of Once. I agree with Jason on the song Falling Slowly. "You have suffered enough and warred with yourself. It's time that you won... Falling slowly sing your melody. I'll sing along." After listening to it many times, I got it and replayed it more times. Music is a weird thing. Did people sing before starting to speak? Words may mean nothing if nothing personally grand is expressed. Words may not have much impact until they become lyrics with singable melody. Can someone offer me a melody for the following? I will sing. No one can dedicate a song to me by singing to me but definitely welcome by singing with me. Here it goes...
Hey Superstar, I am falling. Hopefully into an ocean, not a jar. Hopefully the puzzle is not a complicated game, but full of clues everywhere for us to pull pieces together before time is over. Let's fall so that we can rise together.
