續，雨裡

下班前，Naureen沒趕回辦公室，她出車禍了。人沒事，打個電話來報平安。
她出車禍的路段就是我昨天提到的地方，而這路段今天可是誇張的大塞車，雙向都有車禍之外，從進紐約的兩個隧道 口回堵十幾英哩，天氣又灰灰陰陰悶悶燥燥的，人就是很難爽快。不開冷氣的話，四周廢氣的熱弄得窗外起霧，開冷氣的話，我的手又容易冰冷。停比走的時間多，我就狂抹乳液護手。

塞了一個多小時慢慢的過了最擁擠的幾個路段之後，天早已經陰的不耐煩了，四周突然整個變白，像是下過大風雪一般，我除了只看到正前方的車燈外，就是慘白的背景，建築物和路樹都不見了，橫在我和慘白背景之間的是水幕，這回可以是我第一次使用雨刷的最高速，卻也刷不盡雨水，敢不上洩洪般的雨量，從未在雨天開車這麼害怕過，像是在下大雪的夜裡開車一樣神經緊繃，所有車都放慢速度，都不敢切換車道，有秩序到了極點。真的是超車誠可貴，車險價更高。出一次車禍的代價就是三年的昂貴汽車保險。

快到家的時候就是接近哈德遜河的時候，風速之急，雨注全是橫向的打，路樹街燈搖搖晃晃不說，停在我正前方的等紅燈的休旅車也被水平打擊的雨撞得搖搖晃晃，我踩緊煞車握緊方向盤，希望寄託在幫幫厚重的底盤。
然後連續看到兩條閃電垂直落進河的方向，我身子不由自主的往心裡縮，立刻回想起一年多前恐怖的愛荷華之旅，同樣也是雷電交加的大雨，而經驗不代表不會被雷聲嚇到，不代表會喜歡在風雨裡開車，我總是覺得我就是會這麼不幸的遇到許多不幸。然後我就要很理性的告訴我自己：要理性啊！

我家有兩處天花板可以直直望到天空，我抬著頭確定沒有再繼續落雨，決定去河邊散步，空氣很清，曼哈頓看來更亮眼。
這就是我一直在追尋的日子啊，可以想出門散步的時候就出門，出門散步的時候可以看到最美的夜景，尤其是在看完 Revolutionary Road之後，我很開心的說我正在過著我要的生活，框框還是有，但是框架並不輕易碰到我。

雨裡

早上幫幫涉水離開 Hoboken 的時候，新聞正在播報著昨晚的大雷雨殺掉六七個人。
一個開著休旅車的媽媽載著兩個小孩和兩三個小孩的表兄弟姐妹，因為雨勢太大沒看清路標而飆上對向的高速公路，當場跟來車迎頭對撞，只有一個小朋友生還。
一個大雷劈在一個大樹，大樹下剛跑去躲雨的人當場身亡。
兩個朋友躲著去躲雨，其中一個跑到一半被雷劈死。

我心有餘悸的緊緊抓住方向盤，雖然早上的天已經放晴，但是路面積水不退，前面的車要是突然拋錨停下來或是打滑來個不預警的大轉身，那前幾天剛花了我五百多塊進場保養的幫幫可就遭殃了。

我的涼鞋還是溼答答的掛在鞋架上，都是昨天傍晚的一場臨時大雷雨害的，背包和衣服都淋濕了，小小一把折疊傘只是勉強保住我跟班比的頭髮、他的超小 Asus Eee 筆電、我新買的 David Sedaris 和另一本小說、我們的舞鞋和不停尖叫的喉嚨。
所有的路人都跑進地鐵站躲雨，或叫或笑，拍照傳短訊，滴滴答答的地鐵站即刻成為充滿以 oh 為起始句的避風港景點。oh my god, oh shoot, oh look at me, oh grist, oh i am trapped here, oh what the, oh ...

半個小時左右，雨過天晴，地上物都異常乾淨，連雲都特別白亮的感覺，路面上的水漥也清可見底，若是真有傳說中的鱷魚在紐約地下水生活著，現在應該也願意出來透透氣。
跟台灣來的朋友吃完「一風堂」拉麵，三個男生跟著我回到 Hoboken 去看夜景，出了地鐵十五分鐘之後又開始狂風暴雨，我從家裡趕著要去河邊拯救那些男生的計畫也被吹亂：自以為雙手緊握硬骨大傘可以走過幾條街，結果風向一直變，風速一直增強，裙子頭髮亂飛，傘面翻爆，傘骨也跟著反方向翻轉，卻把傘面撐成半圓，我像是拿著一朵超大號黑色鬱金香在雨裡飄，一捲風由下往上灌過風衣，風衣和群擺也企圖一起向天盛開，一急之下我用一隻手阻擋，傘面就在此時離開傘骨，我也跑進騎樓裡，張著嘴看著越來越瘋狂的天氣。
班比說他們在河邊看著雷電不停的劃過紐約上空，莫名奇妙的趕上自然界的煙火秀。溼答答的我只想沖個熱水澡。

今天下班回家的時候，風雨早已過，但是路面積水還是很嚴重，幫幫又不是吉普車，只能慢慢的涉水，交通走走停停，三台車子在平常就已經險象環生的交叉路段追撞，一台休旅車甚至滑到整個面向車流。
這所謂交叉路段是我在賓州生活的時候沒有辦法想像的，Ａ公路交流道接進Ｂ公路的同時，Ｂ公路往外接市區道路，通通都在同一條車道上，Ａ來Ｂ的人要加速插進Ｂ的車流，要從Ｂ出去的人卻要減速才能出公路，同時要跟剛進Ｂ的車子爭車道。這個車禍就發生在Ａ接進Ｂ之後，Ｂ在一英哩內又要接進Ｃ，而就在同一條車道Ｂ又可以轉進Ａ，這樣還不夠複雜，路標都是在即將快要Ａ變Ｂ變Ｃ變Ａ的時候才出現，所以一個失神或是一個眨眼，就會錯過出口入口然後被迫飆離目的地。我第一次開車從賓州進紐約的時候就是在這裡迷的路，事隔六年我已經是老油條一個，也不敢小看這個路口。
撞到遠遠的面向車流的駕駛是個小姐，她的車看起來是沒事，但她一定要去收個驚的。可惡的紐澤西！

停了車就要走到家的時候，雨又開始下，雨越來越大，奇怪，太陽也越來越大，我家方向的人聲也越來越大。路邊停滿了採訪車，抗議人潮聚集在我家對面的市政府，雨勢擋不住大家的怒火。我才想起上個禮拜四上班途中聽到的新聞：天一亮，FBI 派員三百多人抓了四十幾個涉嫌行賄洗錢的地方官和猶太牧師，其中一個地方官是 Hoboken 的市長。這市長在被抓當天就被保出來，還回到市政府照常上班想洗刷自己的罪名。這個三十二歲的市長才在位子上坐了二十幾天，怎麼可能在大家「辭職」的叫吼聲離開呢。這些官員和抗議民眾的把戲實在不夠成熟，也不學學台灣，去參考一下新聞要怎麼製造這戲才會好看。
我呢，回家躲雨吃西瓜。啊，天氣這麼潮濕怎麼還是口乾舌燥？西瓜真是聖品。
吃掉四分之一個西瓜，雨也停了。

eternal and spotless

You either get moved or entertained by a movie; otherwise, the movie is worthless to you. Since the beginning of the cable-TV era, I have watched same movies repeatedly because of the simple reaosn that they were played repeatedly on TV. Mama tried to stop me from watching same movies but gave up because she found herself watching same movies repeatedly too. Why is it hard to drag ourselves away from the TV, from a movie that we have watched again and again? One reason is that this is a moving or entertaining movie. It is like a good book making you read again and again until you can repeat every line. For example, Stephen Chow's movies define my generation. His movie lines build the conversations and social interactions.

Without a TV cable subscription, it is much harder to watch same movies over and over again. So I bought DVDs. Tonight, I watched Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind. I saw it in the theater for the first time. I loved it, and bought the DVD. I watched it, and loved it and told people how I loved it. That was four years ago? Oh, gosh, time really can fly.
Watching it again tonight with my new TV reminded me how great this movie is, and new fondness was created; that is, I like it even more now. How clever the story is. How well the director made the cuts. How convincing the actors' mutual chemistry is. How precise each character's role is.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

~ Alexander Pope

Total acceptance is one essential component that characterizes or be the evidence of love. This was why I felt so moved and understood when walking out of the theater in 2004. Now thinking back... I cannot think much back. My memory is a blur. I went to see the movie with my housemate. I was single, not dating anyone or interested in anyone. The core of me was there, intact or innocent without much ruins.

Moving has cleaned up my collections in physical world and mental life. Things are re-organized. Thoughts are re-analyzed. I realized how unhealthy or depressing during the past two years of postdoc. Those years were not simply post-doc but post-PennState, post-school, and post-breakup. Living in South Orange forced me spending too much time with myself and memories, preventing me from moving on. When you have to constantly consciously tell yourself to move on, it is not a good sign, and it is damn hard to move on.

Just three weeks after moving, I feel refreshing and happier than ever. I ran by the river, looking at Manhattan, smiling to other runners, thinking nothing but focusing only on the sounds and views of my surroundings. I sat in my red couch, in my bed, on my bar stool, within the window-side corner, on the floor with or without the carpet. With almost everything new to me, I feel released from the past. Memory, thus, decades more rapidly. I am such a sad person, only recall upsetting memories.
If I were seeking help in the memory-erasing clinic, I would have huge breakdowns and provided them a brain map super easy to find. I am too focused.

Recently, many Taiwanese start using Facebook. A lot of my old classmates "friended" me. Some of them, I do not remember. If you and I have not contacted each other for so many years, the reason is simple: we did not connect and probably would not and should not. If the picture of you or the name of you cannot remind me of anything of you (i.e., you are not in my brain map of memory), I really don't know how Facebook will make us closer. But I added many "friends" nonetheless for the sake of social pressure. What the hell.
Many of them, I thought, had been erased by the perfect human system but some traces were left. A few traces trigger pieces of memory. Pieces of memory get connected. Boom, ah! you! how could I remember those details? But I do remember those details. Amazing. I am amazed by my mind.

Now I remember why I loved the movie even more after the second view than the first theater appreciation. This movie is a good application of cognitive/affective psychology. It should be a required film to watch for all psych major.

Moved and entertained, I am very satistied. This memory of feeling is eternal and spotless.

boom

The first baby came out a week ago. James’s Oliver was born. James sent out Oliver’s picture to us, who couldn’t help but o-ing to the cute little sleepy face.
For the new comer in the family, James got a 6-week leave according to the new policy just announced a month ago. However, James came to work today for some business that cannot be done by anyone else.
He and the next new parent Karen and us stood there, chatting about the delivery, labor, centimeters of dilation, breast feeding, excitement and physical fatigue.

“In a snap, I forgot who I was before last Friday. I am someone new, seeing Oliver and being a father and all. I never thought I would like to be father. But, it is awesome, just seeing my own son.”
Karen is due next Thursday, but Jenny and Naureen are more excited than her. Karen is cool and reminds me of Cathleen when she was pregnant.
After Karen, Cristin and Nancy are having babies too in the next two months.

Judy set a deadline with her partner.
“Don’t you feel this way? As a woman turning 30, I have started re-evaluate things around me and my expectations and goals. It’s not that we don’t love each other. We are so much in love, but love is not enough. I need my partner sharing a similar life goal with me. He did not think about it until I initiated the conversation. Finally he is building a career that I can see a future that is more practical than simple romance.”

Somehow, my mind was replaying Judy’s words while everyone was cheered by the baby boom in the Research Center.
“Wait until you have your own child.” Jenny kept saying this, and await my reply which usually is “I will wait.”
“How old are you?” Jenny asked, “When are you going to have a baby?” I prefer Judy’s company way much more.

Do I re-evaluate things as a woman turning 30?
I do not re-evaluate things according a round number of age. I have had my plan set at the age when I met Judy, which was eleven. Oh, I did have vision and an old soul back in junior high. However, my plan is not inclusionary: I would not have a boyfriend until 18. I would not get married until 30. I would not have a child until I get married. Perhaps I should develop some inclusionary goals for being a more positive human being.

I do re-evaluate things every time I climb a step in academia. Wanting to be a professor is, however, very different from wanting to build a life with someone who also wants to live a lifestyle in a big city. All my plans have been about me, just me, not one else involved. Mama is in my plans for “I will take care of her. I will move back to Taiwan when she needs close care. I will make her happy.” But it is different from having a plan to share my life with someone. I guess I need that someone to plan with me about our life together. I cannot just plan it by myself. So the question turns to looking for that special someone who is willing to plan with me.

“Never get knocked up.” A friend who fathered two kids with his ex-girlfriend advised me sincerely. However, I wonder, if everything was planned so well and going with the plan so well, how could he have arrived at this stage of life? How could he have comprehended so much of his trajectory? How could he have experienced those things defining who he is? How could he have even given me that advice?
I am a planner, following the planned path of being with myself. But a corner of my heart wishes for a yank from a strong man who finds me a great candidate to be his life partner. I wished A had asked me to stay. I wished B had invited me to go with him. I wished C had planned to come back to me. But all these ABCs were gone. They became phases of my life, instead of partners. Of course, no future could be projected.
The problem is that I never asked, invited, or planned. I let go.
I let go.
So no one stayed.

I saw Public Enemies last night. It was pretty heavy and upsetting from my point of view. The short-living romance and the determinate feeling from John to Billie were so powerful. Of course I am not waiting for a powerful criminal to repeatedly assure me that he will take care of me. I am waiting for the repeated assuring statement "I will take care of you. Listen, I will take care of you" which does come with action. Who is not waiting for this? Who is not looking for a compatible special someone who takes care of you and is taken care of by you?
It is so easy to say this to your parents or children. But it is so hard to say this to your lover. I have never promised a lover that I will take care of him. So no one promised me either? Is it why no one has yanked me out of my planned path toward full independence?
Will taking care of someone other than myself complete myself? Having a child is the last thing I will do to fulfill this completion.

Oliver is so so so cute. Smile cannot be hidden from James's tired face.
As a woman turning 30, my evaluation today is that I am not having a baby anytime soon. Love is not enough. We will find a way to make it more than enough.

心念到處轉

年初在台北的房間裡尋找一樣大概忽然出現在夢裡的東西：小時候我自己刻的藏書印。
大概找了十分鐘我就放棄了，大概是以為我還在作夢，大概不太確定那東西可以存活那麼久。

最近搬家整理著兩年前搬離賓州就應該要整理的箱子們，我看到了那個我很久以前拿來裝藏書印的零錢包，自己跟自己微笑道［原來你一直在我身邊啊］，也沒立刻打開，反正就是安心的確定了它的存在，它不會跑掉就在那邊等我去看看罷了，不需要急著去摸它一下。就像是我總是在科技大樓搭捷運，但是我沒去過科技大樓，反正要去總是隨時可以去啊，然後我就離開台北，每年回台北也沒想要去，反正要去總是每年都可以去啊。

過了兩個禮拜長日短眠的炎夏搬家適應新環境的身心寰宇大掃除，好不容易兩天前我可以閒閒沒有雜念的窩在新新的書茶小角落，翹著腳吹風曬太陽看書，心念一轉又想寫東西。
每年總是有幾個這樣的心念一轉，然後我就會開啟那堆了十幾個都是只有四五頁開頭的故事，然後可能再加一個文字檔，可能心念又轉走了，寫作之路又繼續無限延期。這回呢，我想如果我把形式都搞定，說不定我可以認真的看待這個寫作夢。

曾經我有個英文筆名 december，那麼中文筆名也來叫做十二月吧，嗯... 不是很喜歡。把十二月三個字拼一拼，拼成青，嗯... 當然不行啊，青的文字風格跟我的不一樣。還是胚吧。
那...

就在我那來那去東張西望的時候，我看到那個裝藏書印的零錢包，走過去盯著它幾分鐘，我居然發起呆來，發呆對我來說不是一件簡單自然的事情，通常必須要有高人引導或是疲累到一個限度。當我發現自己在發呆的那一瞬間，我拿起了那零錢包不再遲疑的打開它。

有兩個印章袋呢。一個是紅色絨布袋，一個是藍色運動褲布袋。
我知道藏書印是在藍色運動褲布袋裡，又是那種一看到記憶就會湧上的情況，那時為了高中美術課... 高中美術老師想要把大家都變成全能藝術家，我們從素描、水彩、國畫到雕塑都要會，還要會畫室內設計圖、背西洋藝術史、寫博物館參觀報告。藏書印就是我十四歲那年刻的，空前絕後，打了分數之後，我回家把國中的運動短褲剪一剪縫一縫變成印章袋... 這也是空前絕後的作品啊。
但那紅色絨布袋裡是什麼啊？
我先打開未知物的布袋，啊！是你啊！是大學時候去澎湖玩買的五花石，正楷刻了我的名字。澎湖故事妻的 T-shirt 是一直跟著我，偶爾還是會在家穿，但是這印章真的是在我的記憶裡迷路了，現在看到它感觸良多啊...

把兩個印章都洗刷一下，放在顯眼的地方，心念轉到眼底變得模模糊糊。

小星，帶個紅色印泥來給我吧！我立刻寫信給要來找我玩的姐妹。
書兒們即將要烙印了，跟留在台北的書一樣，會有那四個字，麻嗎告訴我的四個字：自在一生。

visibly uncomfortable

In 2006, the movie or semi-real documentary "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan" unexpectedly shocked and surprised everyone. I fell in love with this artist/actor/thinker Sacha Baron Cohen and crazily searched for all online videos about Borat and Sacha Cohen for several hours.

This year, the movie Bruno, whose original title, according to IMDb, was "Bruno: Delicious Journeys Through America for the Purpose of Making Heterosexual Males Visibly Uncomfortable in the Presence of a Gay Foreigner in a Mesh T-Shirt" is even better!


Borat and Bruno were the stimuli in these experiments of social psychology. People, the subjects, who were selected to be shown in these films, represent a significantly large proportion of the American world. Superficial politeness, political correctness, xenophobia, homophobia, and gender-based double standard on homosexuals are all good examples of the American phenomena.

After laughing so hard in the theater, the audience would think sadly about this country. Why are there people who have a lifetime goal of becoming a celebrity? Why are there parents using their babies as dollar-producing trees? Why do skinny stupid models deserve high pay? Why do people feel so uncomfortable with gay men but okay with lesbians? Why do gay men give the world the impression that they only care about physical stuff and ignore anything beyond? Why is hunting defined as a straight thing to do? Why is showing a penis so funny in movies?

Superstar said if the fighting scene were played by two girls, the whole male crowd would have got hard on, rather than throwing chairs onto the stage.
If the SM-binding scene were played by two girls, the guards would have reacted opposite way and never taken them to the police.

Sacha Cohen is successful because he makes audience discuss and think about his work after stepping out of the theater. I think about how he came up with these ideas of experiments. I think about how he conjured up the way to express all these ideas. I think about his influence does not need a peer-reviewed journal or tenure-track committee or a grant-review board to stamp approval. I think about how tiny I am in this world where I can mostly complain about things without doing anything to promote changes.
How come the whole experience turned out to be upsetting? It is visibly uncomfortable, as the original title suggested, although Bruno truly is a beautiful man.

moving

Moving is my current life.
I am moving from a small town to a bigger suburban city. I am moving from a cubicle to an office.

After a truck load (actually a full UHaul van) and a holiday of moving, I am going back to the old apartment everydayafter work for the past week to gradually take things to the new place. Two reasons for this tedious behavior: 1) I am not a professional or strong mover, and able to carry certain amount of stuff each time. 2) Bungbung is not a van.
The new place is awesome. Organizing it is painful. First of all, I need furniture to start the process of organization. The kitchen and closets are wonderfully equipped, but the bedroom and living room are poorly empty.
Because of my excellent taste, love-at-first-sight furniture is all expensive. Superstar has been guarding my bank account and constantly educating me how to save money by patiently looking in various stores. I have visited 2 Targets, 3 Bed, Bath, and Beyonds, 4 Home Depots, and several K-marts, Containers, local funiture/futon shops, etc. Each stores, I may have been there for more than twice for the past 10 days.
We could walk for 6 hours in a couple of stores but only bought 3 items. My legs and patience were running out of control.
Superstar cannot believe how difficult it could be to get the perfect trashcan for me. I cannot believe how difficult it could be to get the perfect bar stools, chest, TV stand, couch, rug, and window curtain. All is difficult because all has to meet the financial and personnally arty criteria for both of us.
At the end of the day, I cannot believe how much I care about Superstar's opinions on everything. If I were single, things could have been done in one day with my over-decisive careless personality, but my credit would have gone broken.

After over two months of the new position, entitled with a real office, I am still working in my cubicle.
I gave them time, hoping the office was set up after my trip to Taiwan. Apparently, they "thought" they ordered furniture, as the person in charge literally told me so as a seemingly acceptable explanation. I was confused. How can you "think" you ordered a desk? If you ordered it, you would have got a receipt or a confirmation number. Anyway, I was simply kindly asking the person to order it soon.
A month later, the desk arrived. But the room was a mess. The carpet was dirty. Junk from another lab was still occupying the room.
Two weeks later, the room was cleaned. But I could not move in because there was and still is no telephone, which is a very important and necessary device in an office. The person said he would order one for me.
I was afraid that he would only think about it but not do it, according to the previous furniture episode. Therefore, from time to time, I went ask our lab secretary, who evidentally had showed more trustworthy responses.
As my cubicle is exploding, and as my work really requires a bigger space, and as some stuff from my old apartment should be moved to the office, I have started moving things into the office. Finally, replying to my email today, the person said I may have a chance to move over next Wednesday.

At least, my arms and legs are getting stronger these days. But my back and shoulder hurt.
My patience may be trained better. Or my appearance of hiding my impatience has improved a lot.
I wish my sleep quality can get back to normal soon. I opened eyes at 6 am for three days after perfectly quiet nights (why I emphaze "quiet nights" will be explained in the future entry.) I don't want to naturally wake up before 7:30 am! I may have rapidly aged in two weeks.

Nonetheless, my dream of moving is to begin a new youth.
I wish this dream will come true. I know it is coming.