boom

The first baby came out a week ago. James’s Oliver was born. James sent out Oliver’s picture to us, who couldn’t help but o-ing to the cute little sleepy face.
For the new comer in the family, James got a 6-week leave according to the new policy just announced a month ago. However, James came to work today for some business that cannot be done by anyone else.
He and the next new parent Karen and us stood there, chatting about the delivery, labor, centimeters of dilation, breast feeding, excitement and physical fatigue.

“In a snap, I forgot who I was before last Friday. I am someone new, seeing Oliver and being a father and all. I never thought I would like to be father. But, it is awesome, just seeing my own son.”
Karen is due next Thursday, but Jenny and Naureen are more excited than her. Karen is cool and reminds me of Cathleen when she was pregnant.
After Karen, Cristin and Nancy are having babies too in the next two months.

Judy set a deadline with her partner.
“Don’t you feel this way? As a woman turning 30, I have started re-evaluate things around me and my expectations and goals. It’s not that we don’t love each other. We are so much in love, but love is not enough. I need my partner sharing a similar life goal with me. He did not think about it until I initiated the conversation. Finally he is building a career that I can see a future that is more practical than simple romance.”

Somehow, my mind was replaying Judy’s words while everyone was cheered by the baby boom in the Research Center.
“Wait until you have your own child.” Jenny kept saying this, and await my reply which usually is “I will wait.”
“How old are you?” Jenny asked, “When are you going to have a baby?” I prefer Judy’s company way much more.

Do I re-evaluate things as a woman turning 30?
I do not re-evaluate things according a round number of age. I have had my plan set at the age when I met Judy, which was eleven. Oh, I did have vision and an old soul back in junior high. However, my plan is not inclusionary: I would not have a boyfriend until 18. I would not get married until 30. I would not have a child until I get married. Perhaps I should develop some inclusionary goals for being a more positive human being.

I do re-evaluate things every time I climb a step in academia. Wanting to be a professor is, however, very different from wanting to build a life with someone who also wants to live a lifestyle in a big city. All my plans have been about me, just me, not one else involved. Mama is in my plans for “I will take care of her. I will move back to Taiwan when she needs close care. I will make her happy.” But it is different from having a plan to share my life with someone. I guess I need that someone to plan with me about our life together. I cannot just plan it by myself. So the question turns to looking for that special someone who is willing to plan with me.

“Never get knocked up.” A friend who fathered two kids with his ex-girlfriend advised me sincerely. However, I wonder, if everything was planned so well and going with the plan so well, how could he have arrived at this stage of life? How could he have comprehended so much of his trajectory? How could he have experienced those things defining who he is? How could he have even given me that advice?
I am a planner, following the planned path of being with myself. But a corner of my heart wishes for a yank from a strong man who finds me a great candidate to be his life partner. I wished A had asked me to stay. I wished B had invited me to go with him. I wished C had planned to come back to me. But all these ABCs were gone. They became phases of my life, instead of partners. Of course, no future could be projected.
The problem is that I never asked, invited, or planned. I let go.
I let go.
So no one stayed.

I saw Public Enemies last night. It was pretty heavy and upsetting from my point of view. The short-living romance and the determinate feeling from John to Billie were so powerful. Of course I am not waiting for a powerful criminal to repeatedly assure me that he will take care of me. I am waiting for the repeated assuring statement "I will take care of you. Listen, I will take care of you" which does come with action. Who is not waiting for this? Who is not looking for a compatible special someone who takes care of you and is taken care of by you?
It is so easy to say this to your parents or children. But it is so hard to say this to your lover. I have never promised a lover that I will take care of him. So no one promised me either? Is it why no one has yanked me out of my planned path toward full independence?
Will taking care of someone other than myself complete myself? Having a child is the last thing I will do to fulfill this completion.

Oliver is so so so cute. Smile cannot be hidden from James's tired face.
As a woman turning 30, my evaluation today is that I am not having a baby anytime soon. Love is not enough. We will find a way to make it more than enough.