不要假幸福

你父母的婚姻幸福美滿嗎？
如果你是在台灣正常的環境長大，你父母的婚姻應該不是幸福的。從小到大，來來去去的朋友同學裡的父母，或是我父母那一個年齡層的夫妻，我只遇過一對幸福的夫妻，這樣做結論是有點偏頗，但是跟我熟忍或是曾經熟忍的朋友，少說有二三十，只有一對還是幸福快樂，統計上來說的確不多。
那一輩的夫妻即使沒有離婚，貌合神離應該是常態。如果「非常態」，我誠心恭喜你。

通常兩個人朝不同的方向成長，精神上已經互相漂離，只為了所謂的維持一個家的完整，而犧牲了自己的完整，也綁住對方去追求自我圓滿。於是夫妻關係只是表面的，只是為了一起出席社交場合來應付親戚朋友，那麼，婚姻的價值在哪裡？
上一代的婚姻概念實在是莫名其妙。
「維持一個家的完整」是最冠冕堂皇、逃避問題的藉口，尤其是有一方已經展開外遇，尤其是那外遇是明目張膽的在進行。

先說還沒有外遇的情況，如果貌合神離的感覺已經是明顯到讓你失眠，而且你已經嘗試過很多方式來激起對方的興趣，或者兩個人都努力過都妥協過 – 所謂幸福是兩個人一起來經營，結果還是沒有交集，那麼你為什麼還要繼續留在這一場婚姻裡？這就像是在冰箱裡放了一盤剩菜，你知道那盤菜曾經很美味，但是沒有人想去碰它，擺在那裡讓它慢慢爛掉，搞得整個冰箱瀰漫那盤剩菜的腐臭。
有些人就把那「剩菜」丟進冷凍庫裡，眼不見為淨的留著它，即使不吃了，也沒有臭味。

一個伯伯跟老婆分居二十年了，互相不過問對方的生活，就這樣諷刺的相安無事，好像婚姻依然圓滿。他們真的快樂嗎？

外遇不是什麼天怒神怨的大罪，「愛上一個人」是人之常情。大罪通常是在外遇已經發生之後，外遇的那一方把事情處理得很糟糕。
在台灣，最常聽聞的是先生外遇，然後先生先是隱瞞，後來被發現，然後理直氣壯的要求太太接受。要不然就是高估了自己的自制力，寫了悔過書說跟那第三者不再往來，背地裡卻還是繼續，然後又再被發現，然後繼續同樣的戲碼欺負太太賦予的信任。
我曾經搖頭感嘆「男人啊…」，你憑什麼要求討二房？你憑什麼這樣踐踏你老婆？你憑什麼頂著「維持一個家的完整」來要求你太太的原諒？你憑什麼理直氣壯？
我現在也感嘆「這些女人啊…」，如果你接受了，為什麼還不甘願？如果你不接受，為什麼還要繼續守著這場婚姻？你為什麼要忍氣吞聲？

一個女人請徵信社幫忙抓姦，抓到之後，第三者被告「妨害家庭」，先生卻全身而退。好像那男人是多麼無辜的被第三者迷惑，好像他是被強暴的受害者。
我每次看到這樣的新聞，火氣就上來。女人啊，你不應該原諒的是你老公啊！

當然，我知道家務事不是那麼單純，上一代所接受的家庭教育和社會價值觀跟我這一代不一樣，還有很多文化經濟的因素是可以把事情複雜到「算了，就這樣吧」的繼續「維持一個家的完整」。
可是，男人女人們都應該自覺啊，每一年的結婚紀念日，想想你真的要跟這個人繼續生活下去嗎？你真的想要稱呼對方老公老婆直到天荒地老，即使你已經不愛他／她了，即使你已經愛上別人了？
快樂的兩個分道揚鑣的昔日伴侶，比起在一起不快樂的兩個人，你選哪一個？
子女會長大，他們看得到聽得到感覺得到，你們粉飾太平只會讓一個家想空蛋殼一般完整，卻沒有紮實的核心，像是沒有靈魂的泡泡。
已經痛心過，試圖不放棄的挽回過，還是不行，就結束吧。
結束的婚姻不是失敗的婚姻，失敗的婚姻是死撐著堅決不結束的婚姻。

這是寫給一個朋友的媽媽，我猜這位年近六十的家庭主婦應該不會上網來我的閣，我想祝福她放寬心，希望她可以多為自己想。放手吧，如果你還可以活個幾十年，好好為自己活。



~~~~
結婚證書應該要有期限，每三五年換發一次，所以你可以有反省的機會，所以有更多好聚好散的機會。

can you find answers online?

One of my frequently-checked website is Answers.com, which I use as my English dictionary. It has been proved very useful.

Like many web-users, I take Google as the God of know-it-all.

Not quite recently, I found several how-to websites, two of which are called eHow.com and wikiHow.com
I personally prefer wikiHow.com, essentially because it first caught my attention by an super interesting how-to article "How to run on a wall". You'll be surprised that many unusual or abstract questions have been answered online. What surprises me even more is the fact of the existence of the answers to ill-defined questions!

See? That is a great example between human mind and computer calculation. Humans have the ability to answer ill-defined questions. Computers, at best, may be able to give a good guess but the good guess usually is not a satisfying answer.

I have been struggling with something recently. Feeling helpless, I turned to internet. First, I simply could not focus on work so that I tried to find something interesting to read online. Afterwards, the whole thing has become more and more interesting as it develops online (as in my mind and as in the cyber world).

It began as I typed "break" in the blank bar of Answers.com
The definition of the word did not satisfy my real question.
Thus, I googled "take a break in relationship". The first link was "Can true love take a break"
(I later tried googling "take a break in a relationship", and the results were different. A single-lettered word did make a difference.)
I clicked on it. One quarters of the posted answers gave a positive to the question.
Wow!
People really are answering and looking for answers to their questions online!!! Wow!!!

Hey, I read the last issue of the last year of Time. The person of the year 2007 is YOU. The user-generating generation is not coming. It is already happening and developing. I feel so behind.

I could not read any answer to "Can true love take a break" before knowing the definition of "true love".
Therefore, I went to wikiHow.com to find the answer of "How to define love".
I found the Tips and Warnings sections very amusing.

One tip was "Lust could lead to love."
Why was this sentence categorized as a tip of defining love?
Hm...

One warning was "True love may come only once in a lifetime." followed by another warning saying "If someone tells you true love only happens once, they have seen too many Disney films." Obviously, you can see a conflict here.

It turned out that this did not help me at all but a funny essay.
Luckily, I found a link on the right side of the article. A link in a column called "Related wikiHows", haha, how cute. Then I was linked to "How to know the difference between love, infatuation and lust". Alright, this time, I would say it's enough because this how-to article touched some part of my heart and I had to stop doing research on this topic.
How to calm myself down is to write. So I am writing now, online.

But I am obsessed now.
So I also click on "How to not be an obsessive girlfriend"
And I think back as how I have been. It is totally not fair to me because of the situation I am in right now. I am so contextually primed and thus believe that I AM an obsessive girlfriend. Not fair at all.
Well, no, I am not that crazy as a person or as an obsessive person. I am not qualified as an obsessive girlfriend according to that article. Hooooo... feel relieved. See how easy that my emotion can be changed by an online unauthorized authority. Boy, I am going to ban all that stuff for a while.
No love songs. No love movies. No nothing.

Maybe it is time to shift my attention back to my dissertation.
By the way, I met a friend writing his dissertation in a coffee house. He asked "Do you want to be dissertated this year?"
Oh yes. I know the answer of this question, and I don't have to go online to find the answer.

如果。十年後

等了一年多，「如果。愛」終於在眼前，這是來自台灣的溫暖，來自少時的感動。
在完全不知情的情況下，赫然發現「如果，愛」是歌舞片，而且有很多「紅磨坊」甚至是「芝加哥」的影子，取鏡的方式、音樂的採用都沒有給我很原創的新意。
還有「心動」和「甜蜜蜜」的感覺。所以說，「如果。愛」給我的感動也不是原創的，
有「心動」的感覺，因為金城武；有「甜蜜蜜」的感覺，因為陳可新。
「甜蜜蜜」依然是我最愛的文藝愛情片。
「心動」依然是唯一讓我忽然在電影散場後突然狂哭一陣的愛情小品。

張學友的歌聲把我拉回愛唱 KTV 的年代，周迅的大眼睛把我拉回天天看「像霧像雨又像風」的黃金歲月，金城武… 那是更久遠的回憶：
第一次見到金城武，是國中一年級的時候吧，那次是去郭富城的演唱會，仰賴 Judy 的長輩恩寵，我跟著進駐那演唱會的貴賓席，剛不入會場門的那時，Judy 指著我面前的背影說：「我乾媽簽下這個男生，是個很帥的混血兒，叫做金城武。」我好奇的看到他的側臉。後來，沒多久，整個亞洲都知道他的名字。

小時候的我知道個什麼？我知道劉德華很帥，我知道金城武很帥，我知道劉德華跟金城武都屬牛都是天秤座，我知道我喜歡這款長相的男生。
我知道我的年紀太輕，我的經驗不夠，我看得太多，想得太多。
我知道純真的事情不一定長久，我知道我會是一朵浮萍直到年紀老大到漂不動了。

那年那天，我在台北的學者戲院（現在不知道還存不存在）跟當時的男友看了「心動」，出了戲院才莫名其妙的哭了起來。那男友將會是我老時回憶少時的一段記憶，我知道我跟他不會白首偕老，我知道在我未來十年內所結識的任何男人都不會跟我白首偕老，我知道我的年紀太輕了，一切都相見恨早。

相見恨早。

在美國唸書這幾年，明瞭畢業後必定會搬離 State College，博士後研究員的生涯頂多兩三年，又要搬家，運氣好就可能找到我要的研究教職而定居下來，但是我知道大部分的人會再經歷另一段的博士後研究生活，然後又要搬家，然後找到教職的前四年可能還不會定居下來… 誰說學術界比業界平穩？
回台灣的話，漂泊感就不會那麼重，但是就是不甘心啊，不甘心還年紀輕的時候就決定回去，卻又感慨年紀輕所以跟所有人的感情都重不起來，朋友來來去去，承諾給不了情人，計畫裡只容得下我自己。
Damn it! How long does this last? I want to be 40 years old NOW!

學位就快要拿到了，我就要漂向下一個目的地了，依然忻忻企盼有個因緣際會，遇到一個夠重的什麼防止我繼續漂來漂去。

好多年後，他們相遇。
這是「甜蜜蜜」、「心動」、「如果。愛」共通的戲碼。
想著過去，看著現在。好多年後，我會跟他們相遇嗎？
三部電影的結局不同，卻都給我相似的難過。如果十年著測試愛情可以多長久多深遠，我沒有幾次的十年可以測試任何事情。

「如果。愛」裡的周迅睡覺會磨牙，這是她藏不掉的過去和現在，這是她純真的一部份。
這些年裡，跟著我，甩不掉的，也是我睡覺會磨牙的事實。或許十年後，有人會因為聽到磨牙聲而想起我，而我還是我，在世界的某處看著金城武或是劉德華的電影。

one smily me

I was very happy on my birthday.

It started on a sweaty beginning in a Bikram studio on the 23rd Street. Yoga cleaned my system with pure joy and left me a glowing smile on my skin. Unbelievable for my old self, after one and half year of practicing, now I really can bend myself in half. In good times, my chest really can touch my thighs. If my PE teachers in high school or university saw me now, they would not have given me that low grades.

Somehow I was hungry for soup. I did a quick search via google and found several soup places near 23rd St and 2nd Av, where Jeff and Venessa’s apartment locates and where we were staying again. On a blog or some user-generated forum, a person highly strongly beggingly recommended Lamarca on 22nd St and 3rd Av. Perfect! So we went there and were seated and waiting for the waiter while reading the menu. They did not have soups. Very buzzard. Oh, the waiter said we should go to the next door. Now it was right. Lamarca on the 22nd St but not at the intersection of 22nd and 3rd. Got it.
It was a cute, nice, friendly, and sunlight-filled place. The soup really was great. Cheese, bread, and espresso were also great.

Then we kept walking on 23rd St to look for a dancing shoe store that everybody (i.e., Bryan and Nat) had recommended. Actually it was Marc who wanted to get something specific for his dancing shoes. I was the one who was being a company for this trip but spent much more money than he did in the store. Come on, it was a dancing shoe store with gorgeous shoes on sale. And it was my B-day. I definitely had all reasons to give myself a nice treat. That pair of shoes then proved very sexy and went very well with my birthday milonga outfit.

In the afternoon, I was very productive in my work.
I did not forget my duty as being a soon-PhD student who was desperately looking for a post-doc research position.

I dressed up for my birthday dinner. Marc and Jeff escorted me in a cab and then on a walk for 6 blocks. Well, some manholes exploded before we grabbed the cab. The driver informed us the traffic had been going nuts after the accident. So we had to give up the ride before entering the village. My legs were complaining because Marc had talked me into wearing my tango outfit for dinner. My legs were naked and the wind was not polite. Unexpectedly, however, the walk was pleasant. Addition to the fact that Marc and Jeff were good company, it was very nice to hear different languages in the village, around the Prada store and other cozy bookstores. Street lights and people’s laughter and old-age bricks on the sideway made my soul soaring.

Nat came to meet us. In the legendary Blue Ribbon Sushi 青浩（米字旁）壽司, I met the most good-looking Japanese guy ever. He was our waiter! I could not keep my eyes off him.
But that was not the best part of my dinner. The best part was what Marc ordered for me. Omakase. It meant the chef’s special. So special that no one would know what would be on the plate before the dish was presented. It was delicious. Every bite and every swallow. The temperature of the fish was perfect. The freshness of the fish was undoubted. The delicacy of the slices of fish was five-starred. In particular, I was heartily appropriated what the chef did for one additional thing. See the fish bone rounded in the picture? The waiter (yes, the super hot waiter) came to get that fish bone when I’d half-way done my meal and took it for being deep-fried. If the skeleton had been fried at the beginning, it would have absorbed the moisture in the air, and would have not been as crispy and tasty! It was brilliant!
This definitely was the best sushi and sashimi ever in my Japanese dining experience.

Once the waiter cleaned up our table, I asked for a dessert menu.
He came back with a green-tea crème brulee, which plate had a single slim blue candle, and another plate of Japanese-style fruit ice cream. I was soooo touched. Marc WAS romantic tonight. How rare and precious. I could not help but smile and smile and smile and smile…

The milonga was in La Nacional, on the 14th St between 7th & 8th Aves. It was a very traditional Latino or Argentino restaurant/bar. It was a very high-level crowd of dancers. Just by watching them, I knew two years of dancing only qualified me as a advanced beginner. There was a tradition in milonga that birthday people got the whole floor for one song. The host announced that tonight was a birthday for two dancers. I knew he did not count me because I was a nobody or because I did not let anyone in the milonga know it.
The first birthday person was a regular dancer. I would say he was not as good as Bryan but still managed to lead a good dance. The second person was a star in the world of tango. Michael Nadtochi. I met him several times in different tango festivals. He always sported his hair greasily from front to back, like an old gentleman. He had a very charming looking and fabulous vibe as a tango leader. He also had one of the most fabulous and sexy partner in the tango world. Her name is Angeles Chanaha. During his birthday solo, only super advanced followers dared to come on the floor to dance with him. It was the best show that night. It was to celebrate his birthday and also in a different way celebrating mine.
I have a post card with Michael and Angeles on it. I totally did not have any strength to tell the host it was my birthday too. No one wanted to dance solo after Michael’s solo.
I was already happy that he and I have the same birthday.
I was already happy to see his performance (and Angeles’s) for this beautiful coincidence.
I was already happy that Bryan showed up tonight (Sophie had to be with the baby).
I was already happy that I could spend the night tangoing with my partner, who was also fabulous in many ways.

While we were leaving around 1am, the other birthday guy stood by the boor (because he partially took charge of tonight’s milonga) and gave me a rose. I said “Happy Birthday! It was mine too.” He smiled back and I felt his happiness and mine.

I had a happy birthday.