out of control

After my trip from Taipei last January, I handed my documents to HR.

Since the first couple of months as a postdoc, Dr. Anna has never stopped hinting that she may keep me after the fellowship. I did not know what I would become back then. I was not in a good shape, mentally and professionally. Nothing worked as right as I wished. After some soul searching (yeah... right...), I have made a decision that I choose a life in one of the major cities (New York, Chicago, and San Francisco) and refuse to move like many many academia Gypsies: several years here as a postdoc, several years there as another postdoc, several years elsewhere as a junior faculty, and perhaps moving again several years later if not getting tenure.
I want to settle down in a city. I want to live in a city where I can walk safely almost anytime anywhere. I want to be in a community where I can tango, yoga, discuss about movies and books, but not be bothered to defend my behavior based on my gender or age.

The problem is that research universities in the cities I like are super competitive. Openings are rare. Openings are taken by scientists who have at least 5 years of postdoc experience (supported by tens of publications) or have big-money grants. I have no chance right now, not to mention two years ago or a year ago when I seriously started thinking about my very next step.

I panicked. Seriously panicked for two or three months long. I was lost and felt underachieved as if I failed myself profoundly. I can't go to a countryside like Penn State anymore. A girl from Taipei needs air like Taipei.
Dr. Anna and John D offered me a position. That was the beginning of hope. The offer letter snailed to me until two months later after the oral offer. During that time, I kept my head low and did my job.
Finally I signed the letter in December and thought all the legal processes for H1-B would start up in January so that everything would fall right into places before May, and that I might be able to attend my cousin's wedding in March.

In February, I checked with HR and insisted that I would like to talk to the attorney directly. HR arranged a phone conference for me. It turned out that the attorney had not filed my case and he asked for some other documents from me.
The case was not received by the Immigration Services until Feb 27. I was really afraid that it would not go through before May. Thus, I asked for a $1000 fee from Anna and John D. This fee will facilitate the process. HR highly suggested me not to give her the fee until the end of March so that she would send it to the attorney so that the attorney would send it to the Immigration Services. I did not argue against the whole idea of multiple indirect layers of sending. I simply (with efforts) kept breathing and waited (without further noise) until the end of March. Two weeks later on April 17, I asked HR whether the case was approved. She told me that the fee was not received by the Immigration Services until April 14.
I became paranoid. I did not believe my case would be processed by May 1, the starting day of my first ever real job.
The purpose of $1000 was to get the case through within 15 calendar days. Therefore, I tried to keep my hope up and not to think the worst. To be reasonable, there was no reason for the Immigration Services to reject my case. However, my paranoid mind was not reasonable. My guts were turning. I slept too much with too many dreams and woke up tired.
On the 15th calendar day, today, it was approved!

This is horrible.
My least favorite thing on earth is waiting. Waiting for something that is not under my control.
You cannot be too aggressive because you don't want things to back fire at you. You cannot be totally passive because you need the counter party to totally understand the importance of the thing you are waiting for. You cannot express weakness because you want to appear professional. You cannot appear arrogant because you want to express how much you care.

I called Superstar. I called Kim. I asked Jenny to buy me coffee. I smiled all the way driving home.
Success in exams, tests, defenses, or job interviews cannot compete with this simple message of approval, which critically determines the date of the new chapter of my insignificant humble scientist life.

花粉的季節

一個禮拜前還可以穿著靴子不流汗
然後一場大雨外加一兩天大太陽
春天終於肯來了
就怕它好不容易來了 卻要被夏天趕走了

胚只好出去跟花粉當一下朋友 害得鼻子現在滿討厭我的

春光下的紐約

(點一下那照片看看整本春天的陽光)

...要去嗑一顆 Claritin 再睡覺

a season is over

A squirrel is dead. It is not bloody, so I guess it was not a road kill. The body has stayed at a corner of the apartment entrance for two days. No one claims it. No one cleans it. It is naturally peacefully there.

Colorful or colorless flowers are on trees, on grounds, and in air. New fresh leaves have just started covering the woods I drive by everyday.
The sun is warm. The day is long. I take walks in my neighborhood and found many houses for rent. On-sale boards are tagged to many houses, including a lounge that Superstar and I once tried to find dinner but retreated because of Friday early evening's noise.

Paola had her farewell party. She walked in the conference room, thinking that she was late for the once-in-a-while lab meeting, as I shouted at her "Hey!" As usual, she hey-ed me back with a big smile. So typical, she did not realize this meeting was fake and the purpose was to throw a party for her. She simply sat down beside me as usual and got ready to participate in the meeting with the blue hard-covered lab notebook.
Dr. Anna and others came in. I loudly said "she has not figured it out that we are giving her a surprise."
Because of Paola, my last hour at work today was very pleasant. Everyone was enjoying the moment and being ourselves. Paola is the kind of people who make people around her feel comfortable being ourselves. She reminds me of Zabeth all the time. They are not afraid of their English skills and only care about whether they communicate effectively with others. I wish I was like them. I am lucky that I met them.

In a week, I will say goodbye to my postdoc life and finally get a real job.
It was not unexpected. Step by step, I am getting there. However, it always sets off random firings of my nerves as I am about to reach the next step.

So long, squirrel.
Goodbye, winter.
Take care, mortgage market.
See you, Paola.
Look forward to it, my new title.

how to say no

I do not mind adding strangers as my friends on Facebook as long as these strangers are tango dancers who organize milongas.
I do mind adding non-strangers whom I have decided not to be friends with in real life. I ignore them by clicking "ignore" on their friend requests. Some may keep trying. If they try more than two times with nice cute messages, I might accept it and carry on my life with as little Facebook activity as usual.

This man F, who I ignored twice, facebooked me and clearly told me his identity. Of course, man, I know who you are, which is the reason why I ignore you.
I was the best student in my class. Best, defined by Taiwanese education systems and belief, is getting the best grade in every subject, excluding art, music, housekeeping, or physical education. F was one of the worst students. He hated me for unknown reasons. I believed that he hated me. Now I do not know. Perhaps he thought it was real fun to curse to my face every time passing by me. He was the first person who ever threw the extremely offensive three-word phrase to me, more than several times. The phrase literately means fuck your mother. I was 12. I put up with his face and voice for three years. I do not need a friend like him.
To be fair, I admit a possibility that he may have changed or he may not remember what he had done to me. He was just an immature boy. But I still do not want to add him as my friend even though everyone knows that "friends" on Facebook belong to a different category of friendships.

Last Friday, I did something I should have not done in a milonga.
A beginner dancer, whom I tried not to dance with in a milonga, asked me to dance. I tried not to dance with him because I had danced with him in a practica and I knew that his bad habit was a no-no-no for me to choose a partner in a milonga. He has not learned how to lead with intension or with his upper body. He pushed me around with his arms forcefully. He has not learned how to listen to the follower or wait for me to finish a move. Very uncomfortable. He and I had chatted before, and it was not easy to reject a "friend". Here, friends are defined in yet another different way.
After a song, I hinted him that his arms were a bit stiff, and I encouraged him to loosen them up.
After the second song, I could not smile anymore. Sometimes, a leader like him could still keep a sense of connection through the pushing arms, but I felt nothing but being pushed.
I missed the moment to say "thank you". (Saying "thank you" to your partner on a dance floor means that I no longer want to dance with you tonight or for the next several tandas.) Therefore, I stayed until the end of the tanda. He was happy and not ready to say "thank you" to me. I couldn't help but asked if he was a ball-room dancer. He nodded. I said "You should loose the frame. It's too firm," he looked unhappy, and I continued "thank you."
He will not ask me to dance ever again. I know. I just threw away a potential good dancer if he will be one in a year.
He and I are not "friends" anymore. I guess.

Why do people have to befriend with their classmates?
I find it hard to do. I did not choose my classmates. They simply went to the same class as I did. If it is fine that they and I did not like each other back then, it should be totally fine that I decide not to get them involved in my current life in any form.
What if I offend them on Facebook? I honestly do not care that much. I would say "get a life" or "I bet you are not so needy that you have to have me as your Facebook friend."
Or should I be mean and click "reject" instead of "ignore"? For some people, getting a rejection feels better than being ignored. I do not know F well enough to know which one he prefers.

Why do people have to get comments so personally on a dance floor?
The fact that I dance poorly or wonderfully has nothing to do with other aspects of me. If I can listen to your opinions about my dance talents, it should be totally okay that I donate my two cents to you too.
But I know that I disobeyed the no-criticizing-your-partner-in-milonga rule. Even worse, this person happened to take my comments personally. His immediate facial expression made me feel bad.
Tango already invented a polite way to leave the floor by saying "thank you", but I still do not know how to avoid an invitation nicely or how to give verbal feedback nicely, nicely enough to leave feelings unhurt.
Eric suggested that I could have just stopped moving when being pushed. I replied "that's not nice."

I need something to click:
"Awesome"
"Good"
"Not bad"
"No comment"
"Helpless"
"Please disappear"

I wish the last option was offered on Facebook.

魚羊

幾個月前，我跟三個美國人去吃日本料理，我當然是點了生魚片，畢竟這道菜不需要料理只講究魚肉的新鮮度。
Jerry 點了鴨肉，Jeanie 點了熟食的壽司卷 (rolls)，我就開玩笑的說你們這些美國人啊來了日本料理店就是要點 fish 呀。James 立刻回嘴 "I did. I ordered shellfish."
'Oh come on. Shellfish is not fish.' 我也回嘴但是沒有堅持，何必得理不饒人呢，中文也精確不到哪裡去。

每次有人問我的生肖，我會說 "Goat or sheep. They are the same in Chinese." 像 James 那樣的人一定會說 ' Yeah right. Goat is not sheep.' 小時候我都跟別人說「麻嗎是山羊，我是綿羊」，不過在英文的世界裡我就會接著繼續為中文辯護 "I did not know rabbit is different from hare until several years ago. We simply do not differentiate them in daily language."

當 Zabeth 教我 rabbit 跟 hare 不一樣的時候，她說 rabbit 是歐洲常見的料理，而 hare 很難吃得到。所以這應該也可以用來區分 goat 和 sheep，前者變成羊肉爐，後者拿來做毛衣。
像是鱷魚也可以這樣分，alligator 和 crocodile，前者是美國南方紐澳良的名菜很不錯吃，後者好像只能拿來做皮包。
這樣隨便一舉例，原來物種可以如此簡單的分類：食用類和實用類。

如果中文可以說山羊綿羊都是羊，我就只好勉強對 "shellfish is fish" 妥協。
很多美國人吃魚不知道魚長什麼樣子，吃干貝不知道殼長什麼樣子，上桌的魚肉和干貝都是白白一大塊，又都歸類到 seafood，他們真的不太介意 shellfish 和 fish 在活著時候的差別，在水裡游又可以吃的都叫做 fish，所以鯨魚就不是 fish 了。我相信在日本，鯨魚應該跟鮪魚一起都歸在食用類。

那麼這隻到底是山羊還是綿羊啊？很鮮吧 :)

圖片來自 travelsd.com

mute

Can't watch Colbert Report online anymore.
Can't talk to Mama via Skype anymore.
Can't listen to Pandora anymore.
Can't hear any annoying Window starting-up noise.
Can't get any warning ding of google chats.

Oh... my life goes to silence.

How could this happen?
Things do happen, right? That's what things do. That's what things do to me.

I was talking with a headset corded to the computer. I was skyping with Mama and sitting in my couch. When I sat up, I felt a current of electricity flowing from my ear to the computer.
The right side auditory channel was then killed a month ago. Since then, I could only enjoy sound effects on one side. Thus, I moved the unaffected audio to the middle, so that I could have the illusion/perception that the sound came from the middle instead of only the left.
Last night, another current, stronger than the previous one, struck into my computer as I moving around in the couch listening to Mama's updates of my brother. This time it even hurt my ear a bit. The right channel was gone in this incident.
Who would know I could be so electric?

The result is a mute computer.
I'll miss Mama's voice and Colbert's jokes and Pandora's singing. Life is changing.

Mama comforts me: Silence is better than sounds. Yeah?
I'm gonna dance to humming in my head. Gonna get some acoustic samples in Yale Tango Festival.

Things, enough is enough. Be nice to me.

離家背井的親近

他回到家了，我弟弟，經過了五個月的波折，從聖彼得堡回台北了。
他在那裡好壞參半，認識不同國家的好人和壞人，增進了些俄文，說不定英文也有小小的進步。再三個月就可以結束的課程，他選擇提前回家，理由我可以了解，去年我也差一點崩盤，那差點崩盤的原因也類似。什麼室友不好啦，什麼課業工作不順啦，什麼愛情不再啦，如果都是單獨爆出來的偶發事件，心情還不會低落到無望的深壓海底：耳膜脹破了，連自己都聽不到自己吶喊的聲音。
但是如果這些事情一個接一個的來，又要自己獨自面對，最後來個被搶被扒的倒楣事，一個完全沒有主控權的倒楣事，最基本的信心都失去了，真的就是要放棄了。

我那時真的是一個人，又不是在校園裡，沒有留學生可以依靠國際團體，可以即時接濟我的人也才認識半年。好在六七年下來，我的英文算是流利，勉強行屍走肉的過了一兩個月，剛好遇到換簽證的機會回台北修復心臟，低潮兩三個月也總算好轉，只是一切都不再如前，像是莫名奇妙的又狠狠心碎了一回。
我弟呢？去唸語言學校就代表他的俄文程度還不到像我這樣自如的使用英文，台灣派過去的辦事人員又不理睬他或是麻嗎的交代，擺明著只收錢不做事的心態，大概想這些小鬼就是來遊學幾個月而已，來來去去的快，今天不理明天不理後天人就回台灣了，人回去了她也省了麻煩。俄國室友吸毒喝酒，後來韓國室友酒後打女人，好不容易搬離開宿舍過了幾個月安穩的日子，房子漏水於是被法院查封，二房東和房東責任推來推去，他沒了去處，以為就要下定決心怎麼也要留下的時候，皮夾在他眼前被扒走了。
我沒被搶之前，所有的東西都放在同一個皮夾了，證件、提款卡、信用卡、連鎖店的打折卡、地鐵車票、現金、名片、甚至是支票本。我弟那天的皮夾也是這樣，如果護照可以放得進去，我的護照也會被搶走，他的護照也會不保。
他說他想要回台北，我完全理解。

這個經驗是好是壞呢，長遠來說是好的。當然要先痛完之後，回頭看才知道是好的。
回想我的第一年，破破的英文，又不是認知心理科班出身，住在小小的房間裡不理會室友，獨來獨往，牽掛著遠遠的愛情，遙想著遠遠的目標，像是虔誠的教徒一樣，不計代價而且盲目的相信著那些遠遠的抽象概念是存在的。
後來遇到莫名奇妙的男人女人，發現台灣來的人比美國人還難以相處，原來歐洲人跟我個性最合，果然講同樣的語言不代表心意可以相通。
這些年來我自己去買車，處理車禍的事情，再去買車；自己搬家，自己賣家具，自己州際搬家，自己買家具。過程當然有朋友相助，不過每當我跟美國人提起，他們總是覺得我過份獨立，好像家人不在同一塊土地上，我就被歸類成「隻身一人」。
課業上呢，沒唸過博士的人就像是沒有心碎過的人一樣，沒有經歷過就是不會了解。
我想我是幸運的，我可以自己處理這麼多事情。是執著還是固執？是有毅力還是死腦筋？沒有人評斷我，麻嗎給我無限的空間和無盡的支持。

如果我是我弟，我想我也會回家。在一個語言不通的國度被騙被欺負，又看不到目標在哪裡。
但是我會再去。因為我就是會說服自己去設目標，我就是會死腦筋的想在同一個地方站起來，所以車禍之後我還是買了同樣的金龜車，所以被駁回的稿子我可以一寫再寫直到發表為止，所以我不輕易把分手作為吵架的結論，所以我是我，我不是我弟。

我跟他非常不相像，我出國之後，距離減少了我跟他之間的摩擦，也減少了互相無意給予的包袱，不過卻也增加了互相把對方當作成年人的尊敬。
「我是我，他是他」不代表我跟他劃清界線，也不代表誰比誰優秀，我們是平起平坐的，姊弟之間的無解當然還是存在的。
「我是我，他是他」是一種認同他可以是他，我可以是我，他不要把我當成遙不可及的姊姊，我也不會把他當成長不大的弟弟。

最近重看了戀戀情深 What's Eating Gilbert Grape，這麼多年後 (1993 至今)依然是我最喜歡的電影之一，家家難唸的經都是來自於你最親的人，你就是無法離棄。
國小的時候，我寫過作文題目「我弟弟」，到現在我還在寫他呢，只是現在他長大了，我也長大了。

open-ended

I loved the beginning of Duplicity. Well, not the mutual seduction between Roberts and Owen, but the two executive jets and slow motion of the fights between the two CEOs.
The movie is definitely not the best of the year. The story is not the best of its type. The acting is not the best performance in the career of any actors in the film. The music is ok. The visual presentation is in a good old fashion: clean, clear, close-ups, and the use of the flashback moments in fragments.
Some individual one-scene shots are powerfully arranged like the two jets. Lines are well written.
Witty, ironic, and sometimes insightful, several lines in the movie caught me. Lines about love and relationships. Lines about being the first and the best.
Even though it does not deserve any Best Picture Award, it occupied my mind after I stepping out the cinema. I thought about how they failed and how possible the opponent could be so good (oh well, it's fiction, and things can make sense in a Hollywood movie easily.) I thought about love and relationships because the chemistry between Roberts and Owen's characters were nice and strong. Their lines did deliver certain concepts applicable to non-Hollywood worlds.

Roberts's character states that Owen's character may be the only person on earth understands her. Both of them are not trustworthy and are great con artists. They are so alike, like twins in mind. They do not compensate for each other, but one is a dupicate of the other. "You know who I am, but you still love me. I love you for this." That's very sweet and true. Love is acceptance and understanding. Love is embracing every part of your partner.
But they must not live together. In real life, they would get divorced probably in three weeks if they ever tried to sleep with each other on a daily basis. Sex might be so great (as indicated in the movie) that their life sharing could last for another three weeks but not more. All the little flaws eventually would be magnified. "How could you have done this? You knew I would be upset. You knew me!" They would say such things to hurt each other all the time. No one would want to yield his/her right to be "nicer" or give in his/h er pride of being his/herself.
They would love each other forever but they would never find a comfort zone in each other's life. Oh yeah, I could see how they ended with one person taking off, leaving no note and no trace of ever existence.

Could I foresee lasting success of romantic relationships in other movies?
Let's try.
Yes for Dan in Real Life and Stranger than Fiction (guy too serious and dull, gal happy and passionate), Lars and the Real Girl (guy needs great care, gal [the real one who talks and walks] slowly touches his heart and needs being needed).
Actually I could not think of any movie of possible lasting success of relationships immediately. I had to go on Blockbuster online to trigger my memory. It took me half an hour to give you the above-mentioned three examples.
By contrast, it is so easy to come up with probable failures such as Juno (they were simply too young), Before Sunset (their imagination of each other over the past 9 years did not neccesarily support a real relationship), Garden State (merely short attraction but not strong enough), Jerry Maguire (he loved himself much more than her or the family they were about to re-build), Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind (how to trust a person who had tried to erase you from memory?). There are also many movies with ended love. To name a few, Little Children, The Reader, The Visitor, or Atonement.

If a love story is open-ended, the couple may have a chance to have an endless relationship. However, I do not have a firm conclusion on my current thought on movies with love stories.
In real life, if two people are establishing an open-ended relationship, will the chance of having an endless relationship increase? What is an open-ended relationship?

Oh I am thinking too much, and thoughts are scattering everywhere. Questions with open-ended answers make me realize how uncreative I am...

Congratulations to homosexual men and women in Iowa, by the way. Don't ask me why I think about this now. Perhaps my brain is too stressed out in trying to figure out a cool answer for what-is-an-open-ended-relationship, and it wants to be distracted by other random thoughts.
Say "open-ended" is the opposite of "well-defined". Marriage is a well-defined relationship. Following my logic and assumption: If it is well-defined, then it is not open-ended. If it is not open-ended, will it be endless?

Let's conclude this entry no matter what. Dupilicity is a good treat for eyes and mind, but won't last forever.