siblings
A hey from Saint Petersburg.
Another hey from Taipei.
Both come to me in New Jersey.
Skype connects my family together for several minutes, and Yu my brother disconnects me by walking away from his station.
This is our first online meeting but not our first meeting with Yu walking away on me.
Well, he comes back in 30 minutes although I wish he was going to bed. It is 5am over there.
This is what family is for. We disagree with each other, throw horrible words or even objects at each other, but eventually come back together. We are a functional family.
Coincidentally, we are all experiencing abnormally cold winter in three places on the globe. We can all say "take care and keep yourself warm" to each other.
Being physically alone is not difficult at all. From time to time, I enjoy it. This attitude toward personal space runs in my family. We all respect each other's time and space. When we were living together, we were like roommates with no verbal politeness. When we were apart, we were like friends with very intimate conversations. I have been in the States for 6 almost 7 years. Yu was away from time to time for the mandate military service and currently for a static journey of studying/looking for his true self in Russia. Mama and I worry about Yu. I worry about Mama. Mama worry about me and Yu. I am wondering whom Yu worry about. I want to think of him being less selfish than I always believe he is. I can't help it. We are all selfish.
Mama likes to say how come her two kids turn out so differently while she raises us in the same way. No, not in the same way at all. He is the youngest. I am the big sister. He and I suffer from the youngest-kid and the oldest-kid symdromes respectively.
Therefore, I change when someone takes care of me.
And I believe he will change when no one takes care of him.
However, I also believe that he will not survive if no one takes care of him. He is too used to being taken care of. One cannot throw a domestic cat into the wild wide world in winter and anticipate its immediate matureness. It would catch a bad cold for a start. If it survived the disease, it might learn a lession. If it died, nothing left. However, Yu has been thrown to the wild with care, too much care. He should have not received physical but only moral support. But as a mother, Mama would never provide just moral support. She and I often disagree on how to encourage Yu. She has the final say anyway, so my points can never be proved.
I did not come to the States with a happy smiley face. Tears washed and rewashed my face during the trip to the airport. Over the years, I found myself suddenly bursting into tears behind the wheel by myself. You have no idea about cultural barrier, language frustration, loneliness, love, heart-breaking, or your own stupidity in studying the subject you have passion about by reading books or listening to a person who has experienced any of it. You learn by walking through it painfully. You learn without any possible way that might prepare you for it. I learned. I am still learning.
Being the big sister, I have been in this situation all the time. The situation of being naively watched by Yu.
He sees where I am now but overlooks how I get here.
What is he thinking? Is he convinced that being my younger brother makes the way he is now? I do not deny my influence on him, but I am not apologizing for who I am or what I am. I hope he does not give me too much credit. He has chances to select what he wants and who he wants to be. His chances are given without quota after each failure. Being the youngest, he has been in this situation many times. The situation of being subjectively watched by me. I see where he is now. Do I overlook how he get here? I must have. The bottom line is I am not him and I will not learn what he has learned.
So what? I wish I could be any help. This wish never actually comes true because he never wants to accept my help. I know I am blaming him again. I can't help it.
He is too proud to admit his laziness. He asks for help all the time but seldom accepts it.
I am too proud to show my weakness. I rarely ask for help and often suck it all up.
We both are competitive and like to win. It turns out that we never win each other over.
"Don't think about it." This is the answer I give to Mama who constantly worries about Yu's future.
"Stop thinking about it." This is the answer I give to Yu who constantly feels unhappy.
I shall not think about it. It being unsolveable issues between Yu and me. The cold temperature keeps us in our own places away from home and keeps us stuck with upsetting thoughts.
Here comes a random thought brought by my favorite Colbert Report. As a big fan of SATC, I thank Colbert for linking Gandhi and SATC, making me laugh with the famous theme song tonight. (And please go to bed, my brother. Good night or good morning. It is 11:30pm over here, and I am going to bed.)
I learn to find joy anywhere anytime. Otherwise, I would have had myself killed by all the I-can't-help-it thoughts. Life is hard. Oh well... stop whining. Laugh when I can. Random thoughts are healthy.
"Life is short. Do whatever makes you happy, my dear." These are Mama's words to her kids. I am getting there, Mama. Don't worry.
1 comment:
Sigh. I know EXACTLY what you are talking about.
Guilt is overrated. Sometimes, we have to be selfish. And you know what, it's ok. Really.
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