out of control

After my trip from Taipei last January, I handed my documents to HR.

Since the first couple of months as a postdoc, Dr. Anna has never stopped hinting that she may keep me after the fellowship. I did not know what I would become back then. I was not in a good shape, mentally and professionally. Nothing worked as right as I wished. After some soul searching (yeah... right...), I have made a decision that I choose a life in one of the major cities (New York, Chicago, and San Francisco) and refuse to move like many many academia Gypsies: several years here as a postdoc, several years there as another postdoc, several years elsewhere as a junior faculty, and perhaps moving again several years later if not getting tenure.
I want to settle down in a city. I want to live in a city where I can walk safely almost anytime anywhere. I want to be in a community where I can tango, yoga, discuss about movies and books, but not be bothered to defend my behavior based on my gender or age.

The problem is that research universities in the cities I like are super competitive. Openings are rare. Openings are taken by scientists who have at least 5 years of postdoc experience (supported by tens of publications) or have big-money grants. I have no chance right now, not to mention two years ago or a year ago when I seriously started thinking about my very next step.

I panicked. Seriously panicked for two or three months long. I was lost and felt underachieved as if I failed myself profoundly. I can't go to a countryside like Penn State anymore. A girl from Taipei needs air like Taipei.
Dr. Anna and John D offered me a position. That was the beginning of hope. The offer letter snailed to me until two months later after the oral offer. During that time, I kept my head low and did my job.
Finally I signed the letter in December and thought all the legal processes for H1-B would start up in January so that everything would fall right into places before May, and that I might be able to attend my cousin's wedding in March.

In February, I checked with HR and insisted that I would like to talk to the attorney directly. HR arranged a phone conference for me. It turned out that the attorney had not filed my case and he asked for some other documents from me.
The case was not received by the Immigration Services until Feb 27. I was really afraid that it would not go through before May. Thus, I asked for a $1000 fee from Anna and John D. This fee will facilitate the process. HR highly suggested me not to give her the fee until the end of March so that she would send it to the attorney so that the attorney would send it to the Immigration Services. I did not argue against the whole idea of multiple indirect layers of sending. I simply (with efforts) kept breathing and waited (without further noise) until the end of March. Two weeks later on April 17, I asked HR whether the case was approved. She told me that the fee was not received by the Immigration Services until April 14.
I became paranoid. I did not believe my case would be processed by May 1, the starting day of my first ever real job.
The purpose of $1000 was to get the case through within 15 calendar days. Therefore, I tried to keep my hope up and not to think the worst. To be reasonable, there was no reason for the Immigration Services to reject my case. However, my paranoid mind was not reasonable. My guts were turning. I slept too much with too many dreams and woke up tired.
On the 15th calendar day, today, it was approved!

This is horrible.
My least favorite thing on earth is waiting. Waiting for something that is not under my control.
You cannot be too aggressive because you don't want things to back fire at you. You cannot be totally passive because you need the counter party to totally understand the importance of the thing you are waiting for. You cannot express weakness because you want to appear professional. You cannot appear arrogant because you want to express how much you care.

I called Superstar. I called Kim. I asked Jenny to buy me coffee. I smiled all the way driving home.
Success in exams, tests, defenses, or job interviews cannot compete with this simple message of approval, which critically determines the date of the new chapter of my insignificant humble scientist life.