aging sign

Programming is a bitch.
Seven hours after I sat down with it, it still refuses to produce what I want. How stupid can it be? I am speaking its language, Matlab, and I am offended by its wasting my precious youth.

Oh my youth.
Even though I have been taken as a kid because of my firm, chubby cheeks, my body is showing signs that I am not young anymore. For whatever godess’s sake, I am 29 by Chinese standard.
I am not saying a 27-year-old person should behave like a 27-year-old because I have no idea of what a 27-year-old should behave like.
I have no idea of what a 32-year-old or a 14-year-old should behave like, either.
I am saying that I feel pain when I bleed monthly, and that I feel terrified when I see lines around my eyes.
Programming for seven hours is not helping the situation. So I am complaining.

The good thing after graduating from a university and moving to the States is that people around me are in different ages. Age difference is never a problem of being friends. No one introduces him/herself as “Hi, I’m a 27-year-old.” Same as in sexual orientation, marital status, weight, and height. You make friends because you like these people as they are.

But friends frown at me every time I say “Oh I am getting old.”
Take it easy, my friends. I am simply stating my feelings toward myself. I am not sarcastically tricking you into telling me your actual age. By the way, I know how old you are.

Prospective students are visiting recently. Some of them are seniors in college. I would say “Hi, I am senior in the graduate school.” There I feel old.
I went to some parties and got tired before midnight. There I feel old.
A friend talked about her choices on lipsticks. There I feel old.
These are easy to overcome. I am excited to get out of the graduate school and become a freshman as a postdoc. I expect to go to new parties and meet new people and experience new atmosphere, so that I will not get tired before midnight. As to a boring, too-girly subject, it never is my types of subjects to talk about. I will take it even lightly next time.
But a physical change inside or on the surface of my body indicates the fact of aging. I have to live with it.

Women with their periods should not do head stand. Well… I have convinced myself that I am able to learn how to make myself up-side-down. But this news is not encouraging.
Last year, if I did not have a phobia of being up-side-down, I would have said “oh come on, it doesn’t matter. I want to do it.”
Now I cure myself from being afraid of lifting my whole body on my arms and head. But I have aged. Aged women can feel cranky in their stomach once in a month. The crankiness worries me. I pass the opportunity to be trained as a head stander. I have to wait for a few days if I am reminded of the enthusiasm of practicing difficult yoga postures.

The crankiness not only worries me but also makes me sympathize with many friends of mine. They always take a day off or show up moody once a month. I was like “What a drama. Don’t fool people. You can function normally. You just choose not to.” Now I understand. I only want to stay in bed and drink hot chocolate.

Instead, I sat in the lab and stared at the computer for seven cranky hours. Programming irritates my irritated feelings of getting old.