if i were dying

If your eyes are pretty dry, very dry, so dry that the doctor suggests you to go through a tiny operation (hey, Mama, pei's talking to you), watch the movie I blogged about a few days ago: Terms of Endearment, in theater when I was three) or the movie I just watched: Griffin & Phoenix, in theater two years ago.

Even I am surprised that I was so moved, and that tears were not stoppable.
I disliked Autumn in New York very very much.
I was not touched by The Notebook.
Sweet November was just too sweet to be appreciated.
But Griffin & Phoenix was washing my face. Somehow it reminded me of the emotion triggered by The Green Mile. The stories of these two movies have nothing in common. G&P is a love story, making it so-called a chick movie. The Green Mile is a somewhat adult fairy tale for me. But both of them flooded my eyeballs and neck and chest. Both of them have confirmed me the existence of a fear growing in my head stronger and stronger. The fear is to be the last one to die.

If I were dying now, I would not take my car and drive to Canada now.
I would buy a one-way ticket back to Taiwan, and call Zabeth and Alex to take care of my stuff in the US.
I would not go wild to do anything that I have always wanted to do.
I would not eat ice cream topped with peanuts all day long. I would not travel to any new places. I would not want to make new friends.
I would return to my original place and meet old friends and spend time breathing in the air of Taipei and call someone whom I wish would remember me forever.

See? I would do the opposite. The reason I have been yelling about I want to leave is that I am alive. But if I were dying, I would want to stay with the persons, places, and memories that I care most. I would not want anything new. I would want to be surrounded by all the familiar. Couldn't stand dying alone and be the last.

There will be a lot of traveling soon.
I am going to Iowa City, Chicago, and Milwaukee. I've never been to these places. I am truly excited.
Marc suggested me to go to Montreal. I should. There will be the world-famous Jazz festival. I can listen to Jazz and dance tango. Um... I should start arranging rides and lodging.
Yve talked about France. Well... interesting, French people are trying to talk me into French places. But I think I will leave France alone until Zabeth gets married.
Jason proposed a great idea of traveling in New Zealand with temporary jobs. I can pick oranges or keep sheep company (I won't be able to shave them, sorry boss).

I wish I was some irresponsible person with millions of euros. Oh, US dollars are weaker than Canadian ones. Should I just drive up to Canada now? Will it be better in June when jazz is playing? Should I wait until a Democrat becomes the President so that US dollars will be stronger? You know, like the new President in Taiwan has already given godly hopes to people that economics will definitely get better.
I can't leave the 83-year-old alone now. She, no, I need her to finish the study. And I will go to her and explain she is not clinically depressed and she is typically impaired in visuospatial functions and she is very likely to go home to her 4-year-old girl next week. So give me two more days and probably Bungbung will take me for a ride :)

I am alive and not dying.