接受事實

我站在三個女人面前，突然覺得好想逃跑。因為一種慚愧又矛盾的心理。

慚愧來自於我一直對這樣的女人有偏見，一直覺得我覺得不可能跟那樣的人成為朋友。
矛盾來自於我真的不能認同她們，不過她們都是好人，也是朋友。

她們都是我的同事，一個是聰明能幹的醫生，也是我在紐澤西的第一個朋友。
一個是聰慧美麗的研究助理，另一個是典型的會大聲說 oh my god 的金髮妹。
三個都是美國土生土長的。
三個都不能有婚前性行為。
三個大概都不會去嘗試阿根廷探戈或是瑜珈。

醫生的老公是牧師，醫生是義大利後裔，也就是說她是頗虔誠的天主教徒。
研究助理的媽媽是虔誠的摩門教徒，她從小是在摩門教的教義下長大。
金髮妹來自極端傳統的猶太家庭，只能吃赦免過的食物,，使用赦免過的廚具。特定日子裡不能使用電器。

會開始談起這些，因為醫生說她去參加她一個猶太朋友的婚禮，婚禮上是新娘新郎第一次接吻。
我的反應是 Wow, how awful!
她們的反應是 Wow, how sweet!
金髮妹說猶太人有一種類似進入洞房的儀式，大部分的新人選擇在洞房裡接吻，而不會在賓客面前接吻。我心想都沒用過就結婚了，不滿意怎麼退貨啊？怪不得他們的外遇多。

我老闆是基督教徒，她說她覺得人要有信念，不管是信奉哪一個宗教。
我聽了點點頭，沒跟她說我最受不了的就是基督教徒，尤其是美國所謂的新基督教徒(政教不分的一神論者，他們在美國錢幣上寫上 In God we believe 這樣偏頗的教條)。

很久以前，一個唸社會學的學長說過，其實走人文科學類的學者比自然科學類的人不信神，因為人文科學研究人，知道是人創造了神，是人編寫了人想要相信的故事。
這是他的論點，我有一些同意，因為從我認識的人裡面，的確是這樣，隨便抽樣就隨便符合這個說法。

就是這樣吧，來自歐洲的移民，到了美國之後，都自己跟自己人混，越混越保守在自己舊有的文化裡，離開祖先文化的人變成美國開明兼容並蓄的先驅，而守著祖先文化的人變成極端的保守，比現在的歐洲人還要保守。
就好像亞裔美國人比現在的亞洲人傳統保守很多。

為什麼他們要這樣的畫地自限呢？
是不是生活在教條下比較有安全感？
我想是的，有些人必須要遵循外在的教條，不質疑的遵循著，才感覺自己的渺小，才感謝自己的存在，才感恩其他的人事物，才感受到生命的意義。
我告訴我自己，這樣的人還滿多的，這是事實，就接受吧，嘆氣也沒用。
不是所有人都適合自力自強自動自發的生活，不是所有人都能夠定下目標就自己獨立的往前衝，不是所有人都聽得進去＂get a life!＂
太多人要為別的人才有辦法繼續有目的的生活下去，即使不為別人，也要為神。

胚啊，是有這樣的人，太多這樣的人了，要接受他們。

我微笑不說話，不問諷刺性的問題，三個女人繼續比較著她們的傳統，我心想，也好，我不用費唇舌說服她們跳探戈，舞池裡多個女人，我就少個機會跳舞。
我也很開心她們從來不費唇舌來說服我她們的信仰有多好。

她們快樂自足的生活著，我也是。

no connection

(Picture from Threadless.com)

Connect my brain to the computer, please, so that I can have access directly to the machine and install anything I want and everything in my head.
I need Adobe Acrobat to edit the grant proposal.
Getting grants is essential for the career of academia.
This means that to stay strong and last long in academia, I have to chase money. The line of research usually is actually formed by the grant source, not my original research interest. This actually is not big deal.
The big deal is the part of chasing money. I can talk about the dislike of chasing money in another post, not now.

Now the issue starts with my need of Adobe Acrobat, which is absent in my desktop at work.
Technically I am employed by the medical school. Physically I am working in the rehab.
Meaning: my funding comes from the medical school. But things I am using for work usually stay in the rehab.
I need to buy Adobe Acrobat for work. What should I do?

IT of the rehab says: NO, you cannot use money from the medical school to buy software and install in a computer of the rehab.
IT of the medical school says: NO, you cannot use money from the medical school to buy software and install in your personal laptop.

"Cannot" = not allowed

All the IT can do is lawfully not install software for my work but not to help solving the problem. It's not a computer problem! It's a human problem!!
What's in their heads? Messed-up wires?

I am not installing Adobe for leisure. It's for business, serious business.
An advice comes from the medical school. It says: "You have to justify why you are going to use your funding to buy software and install in your personal computer. I mean, the justification is like kidney transplant. I don't see why you really want to go through it." The advice is very convincing that I should not try to tell the IT about the whole thing. Justification is not allowed.

IT of the rehab comes to my desk and asks me to ask questions by filing tickets even though the IT department is simply 10 steps away from me. Well, he should have talked to me by e-ticketing too!
Oh, he adds: "Don't check email." He means gmail. They block gmail and any other free web mail to protect the company and also ignore my right of using the best email system in the world.
I am not shy to say that I love gmail. Sue me, IT!
And I like firefox. You are stupid that you cannot figure out how to safely and conveniently let the whole company to use firefox.

If my brain could be directly connected to the network, I would generate viruses to loosen up IT's computer, which basically is their real brain.
But the thought of connecting with their brain yucks me.
No. No way.
You IT stay in your boring heaven. I will keep tangoing away from you. I refuse to have connection with you.

As to Adobe Acrobat, fine, I figure a way to do it.
Because it's a human problem, a human solution will work: don't fix it but go around it.
They keep playing their policy card straight. I will keep dancing around and try to have fun.

If it's a computer problem, my experience tells me: IT in my company does not know how to fix such a problem. So actually I am lucky that I am not dealing with a computer problem.

love

Where is love?
It's in the airport.

I was totally sold as these lines starting the movie "Love Actually".
The stories of the movie were not surprising at all. Pieces make the whole surrounding the topic love, which is not a new style of romantic films.
The first of this kind that caught my eye is an HK film 新同居時代 (English title is "In Between"). Oh, it just so happened that my favorite actress Maggie Cheung was one of the leading roles. Wow, that was 1994. My memory of Chinese movies stops at the year of 2002. Can't blame me.
By the way, my all time favorite love film is still 甜蜜蜜 Tian mi mi. This 1996 movie made Maggie Cheung my favorite.

Back to love.
Last night, I saw "Dan in Real Life", which is surprisingly good!
Surprising point number 1: I was surprised by Juliette Binoche. I did not know it was her who played the female leading role. I went to see the movie simply because I saw Steve Carell's head lying on a stack of pancakes for the past whole month at every bus stop booth in Manhattan.

This is called obsession.
Once someone gets my attention in one film, I probably will see all the future films that he/she plays in. I had no idea what "Dan in Real Life" was about. I did not even see the trailer. I simply thought it could be good because of Steve Carell.
Obession example number 1: Maggie Cheung. After Tian mi mi, I saw films made with her acting.

Steve Carell got my attention in "Little Miss Sunshine". His performance in the TV show "Office" is also good but in a disturbing way so I stopped watching the show after the first DVD of the first season.
(Disturbingly good means an actor plays a disturbing character or plays in a disturbing story with a great great great performance that enhances the quality of the film or the show and also facilitates the purpose of the film. Usually, in this category, the purpose is to disturb the audience. If the purpose is successfully accomplished, I am disturbed and I will not see it again.
Disturbingly good movie example number 1: Boys Don't Cry)

Oh, right, "Dan in Real Life" discusses about love.
It's humorous and witty and laughable and touching and .... scrumptious :)
There was a weird moment when a young guy said "Love is not a feeling. It's an ability." and Steve Carell's character disagreed. The moment was weird because that was almostly exactly my definition when I was probably 10 years younger.
I believed 愛是動詞, literally translation: Love is a verb. That is, love is to make someone feel being loved. If that person does not feel it, there is no love.
The believe came from my desire of being loved.
I wanted to feel being loved by a certain person who told me he loved me but could not act as if he loved me.

Now, I don't agree with my old belief anymore.
People change because people meet people who change their perspectives toward things, even fundamental things such as belief of love.
I met another person who acted as if he loved me (i.e., made me feel being loved) even though he did not feel love.

So at that weird moment in the movie, I shook my head.
Love is a feeling. You don't need an ability to feel it. You just feel it.
You are confused?
Let's try again.
Love is a feeling, not an ability. You love because you feel it, not because you are able to make people feel being loved.
You cannot control the feeling emerging through your cells and surfacing on your skin. Every time you resist the emerging process, you get confused and question yourself about the feeling. The more you question about it, the more you get confused.

When I am confused, I frown.

Steve Carell is great at laughing at difficult moments and making those moments from a frowning me to a smiling me.
He made my night a good smiling one.
Recently I have smiled much much more. This is a sign for feeling happy.
Perhaps it is because the feeling of love is not reflected as a single easily assessable facial expression, it confuses people who actually feel it.

And I met Dan in real life :)
Dan, a white-haired and white-bearded man, who works in the movie theater.
He asked which movie we saw. I said Dan in Real Life. He said hi, I'm Dan. I shook hands with Dan. Cal, as usual, started the conversation. Dan started talking about movies coming soon, his grandchildren, and his neighborhood.
Cal always makes strangers the center of attention, and strangers will tell him anything. So amusing.
Somehow I enjoyed that moment. Dan the stranger and conversations. I felt warm.

I have started developing an ability to initiate or to continue a conversation with totally strangers met in non-social occasions.
My heart has been lightened.
I am ready to feel again.

why I cannot make food

Thanks for Vivien's sharing. I love Japanese food TV shows.
That looks like something green-tea... yummy.

thanks giving

It's getting cold.

The weather was getting into my bones the other day. The weather managed to enhance my mood of not feeling well. My legs were reacting in a way that eventually I had to call Mama for more Chinese medicine cream.

Empire Dance is history.
The day before Thanksgiving was the last day the dance floor crowded with tango dancers.
I danced til the end with a smile and a bit of sorrow. The first time I danced there was ... probably July, 5 months ago from now. My first Nocturne, Robin Thomas's milonga 10pm to 5am.
I took Robin's classes there.
I met great dancers there.
I met old and new friends there.
I observed people there.
I wish I could make a movie of the studio. It'd be in the color of red and in the texture of wood and full of classic tango music with pretty legs and caring embraces. It'd avoid those arrogant attitudes of Manhattan. It'd be sweaty with people saying "excellent!" and understandable Spanish. I'd be sitting in the leather coach with my laptop.

When goodbye is inevitable, you just have to smile at it and move on.

I moved on to the best turkey dinner ever in Judy's new home. Home, yes, it's called home physically and emotionally.
Note: if you want a good turkey dish, do not trust the so-called traditional American Thanksgiving dinner.
(Sorry, Jenny, I remember the first "real" American Thanksgiving dinner you invited me to, but the turkey was as dry as paper. I just cannot be a fan of it.)
Judy did a great job feeding eight people, meat eaters, vegetarians, and vegans. And the night was fantastic. The weather was kept well outside of the house whose doorman warned us not to step into the unenclosed air.

The day after Thanksgiving, the wind was killing my legs and cells in my other body parts in Newport.
I was thinking how to face an inevitable goodbye yet again and how to smile at it and move on.
I don't know how the story goes yet so I'm not going to say much about it.
But I know I had been anticipating a miserable face of mine and now I suddenly am content. Human emotion is mysterious. What are you saying? Prefrontal or amygdala? No, no one knows.

It's not the head.
It's the weather.
The sun has given temperature yesterday and today and probably tomorrow.
The sun may be going to live in me. Well.... I wish this wish can come true.

Many years ago, I was in the most happy stage of my life. Not because I was much younger then. It was because the sun was living in me and around me.
After the sun left, I was not sure whether I actually needed it for being happy and smiley.
And after several Thanksgivings, I am sure I do need it.
Especially one Thanksgiving, my wisdom tooth was removed, and I was alone, and I wished I was removed with the tooth. Black Friday shopping did not help much because my face was so swollen that nothing could make a smiley face from me.

What' wrong for admitting that you need something.
I need coffee. So? Got a problem?
I need tango. Yeah, I do.
I need the sun. The moon is beautiful but beauty is not enough for me to smile.

Alright, go back to the title of this post.
Thanks are given to Empire Dance where nice memory had formed for me.
Thanks are given to friends who have made food for me.
Thanks are given to the sun that always makes me smile.