very young and beautiful Asian girls

Sitting in a comfy couch and seeing a piece of beach with cloudless sky from the 11th floor of the hotel, I was caught by a page in Atlantic City Weekly. It was a page for massage advertisements. I did want some massage on vacation, and thus I stopped slipping through pages and read. But there was information more than massage.
Faces or bodies of female Eastern Asians were emphasized in pictures as well as in texts. If not, the word "oriental" would be mentioned.
I asked myself, "Do I want a session of great massage or some kind of 'massage' with an Asian girl? Would the girl perform massage at all? Or she would simply stand there smiling at me, showing me some of her skin from her privates?"
Just look at the page. Isn't it interesting? The "VIP ESCORT" ad, far left in the second row, featuring a girl showing her cleavage, said "beautiful young Asian girls". However, another ad "TOKYO ESCORTS" totally beat it because this ad featured a sexy back with texts "Have a fantastic time with very young and beautiful Asian girls". In addition, the "TOKYO ESCORTS" emphasized that "Outcall only" and "We come to you..." You know what? I loved those three dots. I almost called. Almost. I was afraid that I would not see the "very young and beautiful Asian girl" knock on my door, but a not very young or not very beautiful Asian woman would come with a beefy bodyguard and a "manager" who wanted to recruit me.

Later, I took a long walk on the Broadwalk and found so many massage stores. An Asian woman was sitting at or standing by the door of each store. None of them, women and the stores, looked slightly enticing. I would ask Superstar to give me a massage. With dot dot dot.

斷交

她跟我在電話裡斷交了。
朋友的定義是如此薄弱啊，一言兩語就情斷意絕。
只因為我沒有及時慰問她剛剛分手的難熬，她說得我一句也反駁不了。她形容我的行為，我沒有否認，我的確是放著她不去問，因為她沒有求援，因為我不會安慰。可是她指控我的罪名，我一個也沒有承認。我只承認我沒做到她定義下的「好朋友」。

可是想想，從小到大，每次我分手的時候，誰每晚會問候我？誰有問過我曾經有多難過？誰看過我哭過？我一個人還不是就這樣長大了，就這樣過了好多年，難道我要一個一個打電話跟所有認識的人絕交嗎？
跟某些女生當朋友真是累啊。要求真是多，她問我為什麼明明知道她是這麼在意卻還是沒理她，她怎麼不問問她自己到底有沒有了解過我是什麼人是怎麼表現在意的。
但是她一個氣頭上，我沒有必要跟她針鋒相對，我沒有跟她證明我是怎樣的人。我需要證明什麼啊？我為什麼要強辯自己是有多在乎她啊？難道要我切腹自殺割脕謝罪嗎？
我讓她唸完，我吸了一口氣只說：看來我們做不成朋友了，晚安。

就這樣了，我又跟一個人分手了。為什麼我老是那個提出分手的人？受不了我的人為什麼不果斷點呢？就說你不想要再理我了，我ＯＫ的啦。不要一直數落我還不自己走，等我說了，你又可以再多加一項罪名在我身上，說是我要分手的。我不在乎了，我們已經不是朋友了。

things you never know

1. The big old man somehow treats me like his pen pal. No one seems to like him. He was like a concrete wall with the physique of a basketball player. I had always thought that he looked down on people not only because of his height but also because of his pride. Rumors say that he is so so so proud of himself and his accomplishment to the medical field. I did and do pay respect to him. However, I was never afraid of him. For me, he was the big boss, and business is business, nothing personal. Now, he and I are friends. Seriously. He would email me his excitement on a trip to Taiwan and another trip to China. He would email me his great experiences in those countries. He would wish me have a great time and take care and use different fonts here and there. I am wondering whether he has grandkids. I could be his grandkid or a friend who can listen to him and say something back without being worried about my career.

2. I met the boy who was my first love fantasy even before I fell in love with Andy Lau. After 20 years, I could still see why he attracted me back then, but I do not see any attraction any more. I never told a soul about him at the time when having a feeling for him. I was too young and too busy. In a couple of years, I moved my fantasy to movie stars and got distracted by another boy who later got married at the age of 20. Things have evolved into very different things. At each stage, there is a certainty. At 11, I was certain that he would never love me and so I would keep the secret forever. At 21, I was certain that I would never feel more alive than having such a wonderful college career. At 31, I was certain that I would never know who I will meet and who I will keep in touch in the next 10 years.

3. My brother got the job. Mama emailed me the good news. I was so happy for her and of course for my bro. I always believe in mama. However, she always has doubts. She is afraid that she raised me and my bro in a horribly wrong way. So horrible that both of us are strong heads and independent thinkers. It is not horrible at all. It just makes our lives tougher because we believe we can do what we want to do and because we are so not listening to others. We want our own careers instead of a path set up by parents or a position prepared in a family business. Finally he made it! He learned it the hard way, but he earned it hard.

4. Taipei is so lovely. Of course, I have always loved it. However, the last trip touched a string in my heart that I had thought it would not happen until mama's hair got all silver. I felt acceptance. I felt that Taipei accepted my existence. I have run away for eight years, away from the traditional burden on women, away from the pressure for holding different opinions on being happy. This time around I did not feel out-of-place and I felt that I could possibly move back.

5. Work piles up as it always does. I did not make a to-do list at the end of my trip back to US, which is rare. Something made me relaxed. I am not going to slack off but I will re-pace myself. Time to reset.

6. I accidentally reset my iPhone and lost every thing. EVERY thing. Arhh... all the pictures taken in Taipei disappeared. The pictures with grandma and friends... Now I am trying my best to reconstruct every moment when I had meals and meetings with them. Never ever try to be a smart arss when being attacked by jet lag.

開心啊

八年來第一次幫麻嗎過生日啊！
不知道是她比我開心，還是我比她開心？
七點多先吃個早餐，聊天聊到十點多，然後各自在自己的電腦前做事做到十一點多，吃個午餐和水果。啊～　涼麵口味數十年如一日的熟悉，麻嗎蔬菜湯依然是沒有負擔的好喝，超大台灣水蜜桃多汁多甜又多果肉。
小小午休一下，看看公事，回應美國方面的文件，一個下午又過去了。

漢漢打扮體面帥氣，麻嗎拿著我神秘禮物，胚穿著班比巧手兩針的一片裙，我們三人出遊去！
好有全家福的幸福感。
感謝 Judy 介紹還幫忙訂位的餐廳，四知堂果然名不虛傳，三十年前的鄉下老氣氛，舒服的木桌木椅，老書老壺老擺設，柔和的燈光，無敵居家親切的招待。
小菜中的山葵立刻獲得麻嗎讚賞，清蒸海瓜子與絲瓜是鮮美極品，老闆特別為壽星準備的豬腳麵線更是驚艷... 入口即化的豬腳是我們祈求三十年的夢想啊... 因為阿嬤滷的豬腳總是硬梆梆又太鹹，每次回家大團圓，總是避開阿嬤視線，拜託她不要丟一塊豬腳在我碗裡。
今日全魚也是一級棒，是沒吃過沒想像過的烤全魚，魚肉裡竟然有馬鈴薯、梅子、檸檬的香味。
一桌好菜後，以為就沒啥新奇，可是讓麻嗎跟漢漢最讚賞居然是招待的甜點：香濃的仙草盛在紅豆湯裡，還有綿密的豆花。好久沒有出來吃館子吃得一家都開心呢，非常開心呢。


晚餐後的節目是去兜風，一路開到八里，在左岸吹夏夜晚風散步看淡水，玩到十點多才回家。
麻嗎說她累癱了。嘿嘿，我還滿得意的，我想我們都滿得意的。

光頭的背影

我認識幾個光頭佬，他們並不老，只是二十幾歲就禿了，索性就剃光了。
有兩個光頭佬的魅力不因為光頭而減少，他們曾經在不同的時間點增添我生活的樂趣，不過他們都已經不知去向了。

Heath算是瘦小但是精壯的體型，很 man 很宏亮的聲音。最常用的字眼是 f 開頭的那個字，是名詞動詞也是副詞形容詞，但是從不覺得他在罵人或是情緒化，他就是可以很有創意很生活化的用那個字交到很多朋友。
他有很多朋友嗎？我其實不是很確定，但是我倒是很欣賞他的直率，完全沒有一般美國白人裝模作樣的虛偽，他開心他不開心都直接表達。
我記得他說流利的法文德文和西班牙文，一點也不像典型的德州佬。我羨慕他去過很多地方，我也想要當考古學家。
他烤的牛排很好吃，道道地地的美式大塊牛肉，大火上烤十二分鐘五分熟，粗鹽加新鮮黑胡椒，那是我記憶裡很開心的一個夏天傍晚。在座還有誰聊了什麼話發生什麼事，我不太記得了。
然後呢？他說他戀愛了，他開著他的卡車回德州參加高中同學會，跟過去老同學再見鍾情？似乎是這樣的，總之他回來賓州後就說他戀愛了。認識他的人都滿意外的，Heath 不是不相信戀愛的嗎？
他很會攀岩，徒手攀岩的他像是蜘蛛，快速來去不畏地心引力。
他家裡放了一個倒過來的枯樹，根在上，粗粗的枝在下。還放了一張至少 4x6 的童年大頭照在客廳裡。他是我唯一認識的被領養長大的人。
我借他看 Before Sunrise 和 Before Sunset，而且一起在他家裡看完其中一部。
我對他的記憶就是這樣，不是很連貫，就在離開賓州時，我決定那兩部相隔九年的電影不再是我念念不忘的好作品了，Heath也不見了。
今天經過一個街角，一個帶著圓邊布帽的光頭佬讓我想起了 Heath. 啊，Heath 也愛穿很合身的 T-shirt 的。我沒有等那陌生人轉身，我已經看見 Heath 的笑臉，我繼續往前走。

偶爾這樣想起一個生命裡的過客，我淡淡的笑，他現在人在哪裡並不重要。