Facebook friends

Perhaps I should've avoided it, but I did not. I clicked it. And my heart rate began accelerating before every thing appeared. And I kept on clicking to see every image as if it helped to slowed down my blood circulation.
I had been imagining about this day. Now I realize that nothing could prepare it. Since the first time I started imagining this specific event, I had come up with so many different scenarios, but I never thought Facebook was the media.

Some "friends" feed the "news" so frequently which makes me wonder if I really want to experience everything they feel so awesome or aweful about. Their news feeds cover the entire first "home" page and pushed the news that I actually may be interested (because those are from friends who I actually care or am close with) to the "older posts".
Like now, if you read this blog via Facebook, you may understand what I am talking about.

An RA went on a vacation with her ex-boyfriend. Another RA went to see a hokey game with her ex-boyfriend. I was like "why?" They went "oh, he is just a friend now."
I see, but why did you say you were going to do so and so with your ex-boyfriend, instead of a friend. An ex is always an ex. He or she will always be in this special category of "ex", and never ever will be a friend without any description. "Just" is a description.
Now we people have made yet another category of friends: Facebook friends. So tiring.
But at least, that's where an ex can go. You get it? A friend can be a Facebook friend. An ex can be a Facebook friend. But an ex cannot be a friend. So an ex and a friend can co-exist in the big pool of Facebook wonderland swimming with Facebook friends. However, an ex and a friend will never cross over to each other's category, but both of them may, as time goes by and my hearty feels fade away, become simply Facebook friends.

Sometimes, I wonder whether it is better to reconnect those old-time friends with Facebook and make them Facebook friends, or to keep them safe and sound in my memory as a friend.

newark without murders

For many Taiwanese, Newark is one of the airports where they enter the United States and go visit the heart of the Big Apple, Manhattan. For me, it has been the place I want to avoid as much as possible.

I drove through there at night the first time in 2007 to pick up a friend at the Newark Penn Station. I told my friend that I had to be very focused and please do not talk me. Every time I stopped for a traffic light, I felt time crawling painfully slowly. I was very aware of anyone walking toward my direction or any car stopped near me.
How could I not be afraid? All the stores were fended with metal bars. More than half of the buildings were deserted with windows broken. People crossed roads at zero speed or without a sense of emergency from any direction. I wished I were not driving such an easily targeted car. I wished I were not an Asian gal.

I drove through there once during a day time. Technically, it was Kara who drove me through there to get my car. Bungbung had been towed within 15 minutes after I parked it in a parking lot of a commercial plaza right across the medical school. In case you don't know what a plaza is, it is a complex of buildings of restaurants, markets, and shops. Using my common sense, I thought I could stop there for 30 min to do some business outside the plaza. Someone must have spied on me and called the towing company the minute I walked out. Anyway, when Kara drove me to buy my car back, I was hoping my car was still in one piece... judging from the neighborhood around the towing company.

About two weeks ago I was in Newark for some academic activity. After giving a talk in the university, I decided to walk around and explore a bit based on my belief that things around the campus should be better and friendlier. I also believed that there should be many cute independent small cafes or shops around the university because of the liberal mind associated with students and scholars.
Oh well... I walked at least 5 blocks and found nothing interesting. In the heart of Newark, the number of abandoned buildings revealed under the noon sun was disturbingly large. It did not feel like a city. It was almost empty. Even the people came out seeking for lunch were no more than the people in downtown South Orange.
I almost gave up and found the Coffee Cave, which was exactly what I was looking for: a coffee shop with its own character. The zucchini panini was normally good. The latte was as good as I hoped. Art works of a specific artist were on the wall. A magazine on the homosexual communities was displayed. Flyers and postcards of local events were available. I sat there happily for an hour or so. But would I go back to Newark just for sitting in the Coffee Cave? I am afraid not.

Today since the morning traffic jam, I have listened to the same radio news for at least three times until I parked my car in the evening. The news was about a celebration, apparently, or a congratulation to Newark. What happened? Oh they are celebrating the fact that there was not a single murder in March 2010, which was the first ever murder-free month since May 1966.
I was like.... but just yesterday they found two dead bodies in trash bags. Oh, yesterday was in April, so it did not count. Right.. hm... I still do not want to drive or walk or do anything in Newark if not extremely necessary. I love my life.

I wonder how much power the mayor has in an American city. What can a city government do to make a city prettier and user-friendlier? Is there any private sector who is interested in making Newark a better place to live?
The look of Newark definitely needs to be redone. The fear of being in Newark needs to be addressed and reduced. Streets are not supposed be war zones. Streets are supposed to be inviting average good-intentioned citizens and visitors, not criminals.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, out of the 70 large cities, New York is ranked the 20th with 6 murders per 100,000 population in 2007, while Newark is at the 66th with 37.1 murders. By the total of violent crimes (e.g., murder, rape, robbery), New York is at the 17th, and Newark is the 36th. Today another news piece was about bikers complaining about how unfriendly Newark is for bikers. Who would like to ride a bicycle in a city where a crime can just happen anytime any corner?
Dexter is a good TV show. Why They Kill is a very good book. However, I do not want to be so close to a city of violence in real life. A city should not be celebrating a murder-free month but be ashamed by the fact that people are living in such a danger and fear.

Stop donating money and effort to other countries, America. Help your cities and citizens first.

detachment

I knew he would simply be a data point in my final report. He would be dissolved into part of the "n" and provide some kind of "average". I would then say something about the likelihood or probability or odd ratio or "not reach statistic significance".
However, for him, stroke happened to him 100%, highly significantly impacting his cognitive, physical, social, and perhaps mental functions. When I was talking with him, he was not simply a data point. He was a brave survivor, enduring various kinds of tests and research experiment procedures. Therefore, I was detached from my "gotta-get-great-effect-size-published" mood, but became nice and smiley and helpful, and remained objective.
Mr. S was quite competitive. Although being a stroke survivor, his attitude and performance were much better than some of my "healthy controls" (i.e., neurologically unimpaired research participants). His wife, on the other hand, was in a not-so-well typical care-giver depression. I wish her well.
Everyone needs to be positive and hopeful in this situation.

When someone you care gets a stroke in his/her right brain, please please please google "spatial neglect". This disorder is most observable in the acute state (within a couple weeks after stroke). And you will understand why you have failed to understand your beloved one. This person's world is no longer like yours, and he/she will not verbally express it because for him/her, nothing went wrong.
How would you know whether the stroke is in the left or right brain? Easy. See if the patient's right or left limbs are weak or paralyzed. The limbs are controlled by the opposite cerebral hemisphere.
Mrs. S had been frustrated for almost 6 months until listening to my presentation on spatial neglect. She suddenly realized why it was so difficult to communicate with her husband in the beginning of his hospitalization. He had said that he felt weird, and usually said so in a visually crowded environment, but he was unable to say what was weird. I did not know if Mr. S had spatial neglect or any kind of impairment in spatial attention, but I knew there was some remaining spatial deficits, for which I enrolled him to my study.
I wished Mrs. S would've been educated more about the difficulty of caring a right-hemisphere stroke patient.

I am not saying that damage in the left hemisphere is free of spatial neglect. It's just less likely... about 50% less.

I talked to Mrs. C this afternoon. Her husband was by the bedside as well. Mr. C said that Mrs. C's memory was still very sharp after stroke. I explained that spatial function was more difficult to detect than memory in daily life. They both listened carefully to me, and they were interested to participate!
I would not know whether their data would be useful in my final report until they pass the screening tests. However, just talking to them I could feel that I helped already.

I was in a seminar of a conference. The presenter showed that patients who learned about brain neuroscience recovered better than patients who did not. That makes sense. Acquiring information makes people feel a sense of control. But more importantly, learning changes brain. To learn is to rewire the brain, which means to make the damaged brain re-organized.

It makes my day when I immediately feel a positive mood from patients after they listen to me.
Whether the final report will make my career or destroy many days of my life, I will not think about it now.

全球暖化

你現在看到的是我家的天窗，從早上八點半開始，也就是我發動引擎離開 Hoboken 的時候，開始下雪，進辦公室不到一個小時，人事部發佈消息，要大家下午一點前離開。
我可是雪中老匠啊，早上出門前看著細細的落雪，想著昨天氣象預報不停說今天會下濕溼答答不乾不脆的雪中雨，就在猶豫到底要不要冒險，可是為了表現敬業，為了當研究助理們的好榜樣，我穿上雪靴，一拐一拐的出門了.... 一拐一拐是因為我的腳後跟受了笨傷，知道我的人見識過我隨便走走乾淨平地都可以扭傷腳踝，這腳後跟笨傷是前天關公寓柵門的時候，被柵門底刮下一層皮，血流難止了一個晚上。現在不穿鞋還沒什麼感覺，但是穿著靴子可是很痛的。誰叫我腿長呢 :(
總之，我抵達研究中心小丘底的時候，雪落下的速度已經快過鏟雪車能應付的局面了，當下決定不開上山丘頂，雖然研究人員必須要停在山丘頂，但是想到兩年前打滑的慘痛經驗，我決定停在醫院入口，反正今天醫院的警衛不會閒到來開我單。

小心翼翼到家的時候，雪已經下了超過五個小時了，天窗外是圓頂玻璃的，如果只是一點點雪，是會滑落的，如今雪都積的看不到天了。現在算算，是超過七個小時了。一點都沒有停歇的跡象，反而越下越大。
我個人認為是因為我前幾天擦車。我不是很常擦車的，因為幫幫停在路邊，每天要越過一個工業區帶我去上班，他是經常蒙著灰塵，不過因為是金屬光澤的寶藍色，又有可愛的笑臉，很少人看到他就立刻說 "怎麼這麼髒啊" ，通常是說 "我好愛你的車子喔" (然後我說 "我也是")。
我上一回擦車子，不到一天，就下雨了。我那次只擦了一遍，沒有很仔細。
我這回擦車子，因為在 Kimberly 家後院，我自在的悠閒的仔細的擦了三遍，並沒有很乾淨很乾淨，但是我已經不錯自豪了。三天不到，好了吧，下大雪。於是又再驗証一次：洗車祈雨的神奇效果，而且冬天可是會祈到雪的。
科學家說這是全球暖化的關係，笨美國保守人士不這麼認為，一直在罵 "全球暖化" 是個謬論。
好吧，你說啊，不是因為全球暖化，那是因為什麼呢？今天冬天的雪也未免太頻繁了吧，我已經不在賓州了，怎麼冬天還這麼長這麼濕呢？
全球暖化的重點是 "全球" 不是美國，暖化的現象並不是說冬天就消失了，而是這是一個怎樣的冬天，而且未來的冬天會怎麼樣。小時候大家都學過的啊，暖空氣容易帶水氣，這幾場大雪就是暖空氣帶了過多水氣造成的。另一個大重點是：暖化是一個氣候的變化，不是天氣的變化。就好像憂鬱症跟憂鬱是不一樣的。

還是不願意相信全球暖化，也不願意說為什麼不相信？美國保守人士很信奇蹟的，也很信沒有科學基礎的選擇性抽樣。那就怪我擦車擦得太仔細了吧。
都怪我吧。在夏天來之前，幫幫都要髒髒的了。

Feb 26, 2010 早上，這一幕讓我決定待在家裡望著雪景，寫我的稿子，讀我的期刊報告。

雪裡有霜也有炭

從墨西哥回來的一個禮拜之內下了兩場雪, 整個就是跟墨西哥海岸的沙灘陽光是天壤之別.
美國的氣象都很準, 禮拜二一早大家就人心惶惶, 果然禮拜二下午很多公司學校機關就宣佈禮拜三修身養息好好冬眠.
也還好有放假, 不然我的研究計畫還真的很難審過改完, 禮拜三我整整在家工作了十二小時, 看著外面的積雪越來越厚, 祈禱第二天一定要放晴, 不然計畫寄不出去我一定會哭的.
也還好放了一天雪假, 台北家裡吵吵鬧鬧有人生病有人生氣, 我隔空安撫, 有點內外夾攻的感覺, 但也算是寫研究計畫之外的小小調劑, 雖然不是很正面, 卻也讓我感覺我跟台北沒有脫節. 親情果然是偉大的.
雪假的隔天, 天空大放晴, 我付了美金十五元讓人把幫幫挖出路邊, 研究計畫幾乎就緒, 我老闆卻在過了下午五點鐘之後才把一份重要的文件給我... 所以我一定要禮拜五才能完成寄送研究計畫申請的手續. 美國聯邦的研究計畫申請一定要研究機構的某一個人才能做寄送的手續, 計畫主持人不等同於計畫申請人. 所以我要等到人家上班時間才能請人家(研究經費辦公室經理) 幫我完成寄送的手續.
依舊一夜未好眠的睡了一覺...
班比老是朝笑我怎麼都能睡著, 隔壁 pub 的超強重低音之下我也可以準時在午夜前閉上眼睛遁入夢境. 但是夢境有分好壞的, 我經常夢見我在準備大學聯考或是研究所入學考, 身邊的同學卻又幾乎是國中同學甚至是大學同學, 我總是莫名奇妙的害怕國文歷史地理, 我覺得我一定會考不好... 卻又似乎很清醒的知道我早就過了大學聯考的年紀, 我連博士都拿到了, 國文歷史地理是我現在的弱點, 小時候我可是很不錯厲害的... 一定是班比經常嘲笑我的關係... 當我在夢裡提醒我自己現實是如何的時候, 我就醒了. 翻個身, 或許又睡著了, 卻可以重複惹人厭的夢, 不是在吵架就是在擔心. 然後鬧鐘響的時候, 覺得我一夜無眠, 腰酸脖子痛, 睡得好累.

禮拜五早上, 計畫送出去的那一刻, 我深切感覺到什麼叫做如釋重負. 我覺得我可以眼睛一閉就睡著. 實驗室經理說我應該要早點下班去輕鬆輕鬆. 但是因為寫這個研究計畫的關係,已經積了很多事情要處理, 尤其是耗時耗力不耗腦細胞的事情, 所以我留下來做完我該做的事. 沒想到四點鐘不到, 整個實驗是只剩下我一個人.
大家都要去過長周末囉. 以前我在賓州的時候, 總統節是沒有假可以放的, 紐澤西和紐約倒是有節就放, 這回剛好遇到中國年和情人節.
我興高采烈回家除舊佈新, 結果八點不到我就在床上昏倒了... 還自以為有精神可以去跳舞呢.

過年是什麼感覺?
上一回在台灣過年是 2002 年, 上一回很認真的在家過年是... 也是 2002 年. 因為很麻煩啊, 又不一定會遇到放假.
這次我有廚房我有客廳, 我還有廚子！買應景菜又算是方便, 於是就決定盛大的在大年初一辦個中國年 dinner party. 計畫是我們先盛大的買菜, 然後班比盛大的下廚, 我再盛大的洗碗.

班比在廚房站了一整天滷牛腱牛肚豬腳蘿菠, 我在客廳努力找周星馳賀歲片. 香噴噴的肉味加上周星馳的國語配音就好有過年的感覺.
在班比細細切菜的同時, 我準備了十六小時的國語歌曲(一半是王菲的), 還有九十張過年應景喜氣洋洋的照片要在電視螢幕上反覆的播放, 準備晚上視聽的背景.
六個客人, 美國德國和日本人都吃的開心笑得大聲, 於是班比的客家湯圓就沒有白費, 元寶年糕都有吃到, 我的客廳突然有了今年冬天少有的溫暖 (我客廳的暖氣可是很不暖啊).
不過我的酒量真的差, 一瓶 Sam Adams 啤酒, 和幾杯清酒, 我就紅通通站不直. 多虧班比懂事的妹妹和嘴賤心軟的阿雅, 不然我會洗碗洗到天亮.

今天禮拜二又下了大雪, 帥哥貼了王菲的新歌在我的牆上, 我心暖暖的.
或許我終於到了倦鳥的年紀, 要築自己的巢還真的不容易. 誰曉得明年的這個時候那些朋友還在不在身邊, 還在不在紐約.
我應該還是在寫研究計畫的申請案....