mother's month

It's the season of graduation, and it's why the traffic was so good in the morning. I guess. People are taking days off for their children, their close families, and their loved friends' graduations.

Last night the Chinese restaurant owner asked me why less and less Chinese students came to order food, and was it because they had some meal plans? I said I was not studying in this town. She apologized nicely, and I smiled and left. I knew my look has not changed since I was 12.

I am so done with schools.
I remember pieces of my graduations. The day I graduated from the kindergarten was the day I first tasted McDonald's, which was right next to my school and was one of the first stores opened in Taiwan. That was the only graduation that my father participated. I don't quite remember where mama was, and I believe that she was on a business trip overseas.

Several days before my elementary school graduation, the teacher was making a decision who were the best ten students in the class. She asked me if I minded to be the 11th even though I was actually one of the two 10th. She said that I could still sit on the stage but my name would not be called. I guess I was alright about it. I don't recall any family member being there for me. I had been used to being left alone by my parents, seriously, at that point of time when they were so busy with their own mess.

Junior high graduation was quite emotional. Everyone cried. Many students, including me, started our own personalized yearbooks for classmates and friends to not just sign but also to write pages of notes. Some students would get mad if their "best friends" did not write much. Mine was held by a friend who eventually wrote 20-something pages. Now this friend and I have lost connection.
Mama came to my graduation because I graduated as the best student in my class. She wore an elegant light green suit. Her hair was long, and it sides were loosely gathered on the back with a simple delicate chignon. My hair was long too, and I loved it when people said that we were like sisters even though the speaker and the listener knew it was not true.

High school graduation was a blur. Everyone was very happy to get out of the school, and no one was feeling sad. In fact, many of my classmates went to the same university, but I did not, which never bothered me because I seriously forgot about the names of people I met during those three years within three months. The graduation itself was not memorable either, but the incidents afterward were. I got a huge bouquet with 99 red roses from a boy I went out with, and a bouquet with tens of champagne roses from a mysterious neighbor who took the same bus with me for years. They did not become my boyfriends.
Mama did not attend my commencement for it was infamously boring with politicians. However, I called her to come for my roses; they were too much for me to carry home.

Graduation from the university was quite fun. I volunteered to give a speech so that mama would agree to come. She did show up and appeared proud of me. I don't quite remember what happened after the ceremony, but I smile every time I thought about it.

I actually did not graduate from a masters program because the department did not offer one. However, they did offer a masters degree once I met all the criteria before continuing on my doctoral program. Therefore, I provided mama an excuse to take her first ever long doing-nothing vacation from work since she had started working at the age of 22. She came for my masters. I borrowed a gown and walked. After shaking the dean's hand, my hand accidentally left in his sleeve. Blame the ridiculous wizard gown. Was the dean a he or she? Oh well...
After driving Mama to JFK, I felt like accomplishing something huge, and tears came.

I did not walk after finishing the doctoral program. For me, the day I passed my oral defense was the day I graduated. And seriously, commencements were boring. And seriously, I refused to pay $850 to buy a doctoral gown. I used the money to fly back home for a month.

You will not believe it that I actually graduated once again two years after getting my PhD. The postdoc fellowship I got was a very structured program, which ended with a ritual sacrifice of my and my fellows' time (9am to 10pm). Although no one close or dear to me was there that night, I was quite emotional. I felt so alone. Professionally I seemed to achieve something, but personally I truly wished someone were there to make me feel that I might have achieved something. I drafted a thankyou note in my head as if mama were there.

Thinking back, my adulthood was shaped being "independent" or bravely alone. I am not proud of it. I wish everyone could get their dreams come true in their own countries, using their languages and being with their families and friends in a reasonable driving distance.

Today Mama just received her gift from me for Mother's Day, which I thought was May 16. USPS was not bad at all. I thought it would take at least ten days, but she got the gift in 7 days. Nice. She also found the wrist watch! She lost it a couple weeks ago. It was mine until last year when she saw it.

All I want to say is thank you and I love you, mama. I wish I got to say so at one of my many graduations. 麻嗎 謝謝

I love you too.