光頭的背影

我認識幾個光頭佬，他們並不老，只是二十幾歲就禿了，索性就剃光了。
有兩個光頭佬的魅力不因為光頭而減少，他們曾經在不同的時間點增添我生活的樂趣，不過他們都已經不知去向了。

Heath算是瘦小但是精壯的體型，很 man 很宏亮的聲音。最常用的字眼是 f 開頭的那個字，是名詞動詞也是副詞形容詞，但是從不覺得他在罵人或是情緒化，他就是可以很有創意很生活化的用那個字交到很多朋友。
他有很多朋友嗎？我其實不是很確定，但是我倒是很欣賞他的直率，完全沒有一般美國白人裝模作樣的虛偽，他開心他不開心都直接表達。
我記得他說流利的法文德文和西班牙文，一點也不像典型的德州佬。我羨慕他去過很多地方，我也想要當考古學家。
他烤的牛排很好吃，道道地地的美式大塊牛肉，大火上烤十二分鐘五分熟，粗鹽加新鮮黑胡椒，那是我記憶裡很開心的一個夏天傍晚。在座還有誰聊了什麼話發生什麼事，我不太記得了。
然後呢？他說他戀愛了，他開著他的卡車回德州參加高中同學會，跟過去老同學再見鍾情？似乎是這樣的，總之他回來賓州後就說他戀愛了。認識他的人都滿意外的，Heath 不是不相信戀愛的嗎？
他很會攀岩，徒手攀岩的他像是蜘蛛，快速來去不畏地心引力。
他家裡放了一個倒過來的枯樹，根在上，粗粗的枝在下。還放了一張至少 4x6 的童年大頭照在客廳裡。他是我唯一認識的被領養長大的人。
我借他看 Before Sunrise 和 Before Sunset，而且一起在他家裡看完其中一部。
我對他的記憶就是這樣，不是很連貫，就在離開賓州時，我決定那兩部相隔九年的電影不再是我念念不忘的好作品了，Heath也不見了。
今天經過一個街角，一個帶著圓邊布帽的光頭佬讓我想起了 Heath. 啊，Heath 也愛穿很合身的 T-shirt 的。我沒有等那陌生人轉身，我已經看見 Heath 的笑臉，我繼續往前走。

偶爾這樣想起一個生命裡的過客，我淡淡的笑，他現在人在哪裡並不重要。

傷心事

她淚眼汪汪，這是第二次讓我撞見，她依然推說這是過敏反應。
我也是容易過敏的體質，今天的空氣品質可是很好的呢，炎炎夏日，有風，沒有花粉，沒有煙塵，也不是動物換毛的季節，這藉口實在太沒有說服力了。
我於是走進她辦公室，問 "Need a hug?"
街上常遇到身上掛著 "FREE HUG" 的年輕人，但是去擁抱他們的人不是很踴躍，像我這麼三八又愛抱抱的人都沒去抱過那些似乎在推銷熱情的陌生人。
今天我主動出擊了，珍妮點了一下頭，就在我懷裡哭了。我不是陌生人。

在我的工作環境裡，常常有陌生人告訴我很私密的事情，他們是中風病人或是病人家屬，都是很脆弱的人，我聽我點頭，我說 "我不能體會你的感受，因為我真的沒經歷過你正在經歷的事情，我很抱歉你這麼這麼不好受。"
如果自我介紹說我是神經認知心理學家，有些病人或是家屬就會很積極的問我腦傷可能怎麼影響他們的腦功能 (所謂認知是腦功能的一部份，包括空間感，時間感，五官知覺，語言，學習，記憶，注意力，動作控制，音樂能力，邏輯能力，人際相處等等），有些人還會記下我介紹的科普書。積極尋覓知識的病人通常都復癒的比較好，憂鬱的病人往往離康復的目的地非常遙遠。

當察覺同事難過的時候，我第一個反應通常是假裝沒看到，希望他們認為自己故作堅強的本事是很高超的。如果我拆穿他們，他們可能會很窘會更難過。再讓我看到一次，我就會私下去關懷一下。
個性使然嗎？經常有同事一進我辦公室就關上門，說要我跟說些我絕對要保密的事情。我的助理甚至拉我到遠離實驗室的房間，熱淚盈眶的說她的傷心事。我現在有好多人的秘密啊...　我聽我點頭我說 "我不能體會你的感受，因為我真的沒經歷過你正在經歷的事情，我很抱歉你這麼這麼不好受。"

珍妮的眼睛哭得太紅腫，掛著墨鏡跟我一起在中庭用餐，同桌的另外兩個同事不知所以，珍妮說她過敏，我笑說她對陽光過敏，珍妮接著說吃過什麼抗過敏的藥，Donnis and Malica 也附和起來說他們吃過什麼牌子的藥，聊到別的話題，笑笑鬧鬧一陣，回到辦公室珍妮的眼睛已經不紅了。
她表現的很專業，一樣準時上下班，一樣認真處理她的業務，我看得有點心疼。不過，上班工作跟同事哈拉其實是有療效的，她暫時不用面對那個傷心事。

我過得不錯，不只是還好而已，已經很久沒有太傷心的事了。
Time heals every wound. If you don't have health insurance, get a watch.
笑一個，就離傷心的核遠一點了。

shitty day

It is one of those days that I feel like shit, and I should have just stayed in bed the entire day.
However, it does not just happen today. It has been a process piling up shitty things, and boom today I got hit.

Let's blame the weather first. This summer is so unbearable. Roasted in the car. Frozen in the office. Burned under the sun. Drowsy under the shade. My hermit crab Bully 小霸王 was found bathing in the water dish when I came home today.
I usually did not mind the heat. But I did not sleep enough last night, and I am going through those days when the stomach area is cranky. My head feels spinning. A few hours ago I was wondering whether it was really a good idea driving 40 minutes to see a patient. I decided to give a try.

I liked this patient. He made me feel that I am doing something important. I did not want to re-schedule him or stand him up. If I did, he would have taken it very personally and depressed. When a person is so smart and successful professionally, he/she easily gets depressed after a stroke. This patient was a successful man, and his weight symbolizes his wealth. I arrived there and found nurse aides to transfer him from bed to chair. It took four people and a lifting machine to complete the transfer. At this point, I could not back up and have to give it a try unless everyone's effort was wasted. A smile was always on my face, covering my cosmetic-free expression.
I took the patient to a big room with sunshine. The session started. After 30 minutes, he was so frustrated by his performance that he got a headache and he wished not to continue. I respected his decision and calmed him down. He kept apologizing to me, and I kept saying that it was alright.

I keep saying to many people that everything is alright. Earlier today my assistant dropped me a news, and I smiled and accepted it and could not help but begin to plan the next step. My boss threw me "suggestions", and I replied with "thank you and I will definitely do them." The to-do list is getting longer, and ... ha! I just thought of something, and opened up the work email, and sent a message to follow up a project. My head is so occupied with work and headache. I tell myself that everything is alright.

It is one of those shitty days that I feel shitty but I cannot show it. I could not even roll my eyes... I am toooo nice. Damn. Even the paying machine did not sense a touch... and made the easy 4-item purchase at the Eden Garden feel like waiting in line in a Walmart. Damn the headache and everything makes it worse!
Oh, everything will be alright.


p.s. Hermit crabs were fighting last night. Bauy 小寶 the new guy and the smallest (half size of the others) was threatened by Tiger 小虎, who was intimidated by Bully 小霸王. I watched them too late. They were amazing creatures. Perhaps they felt shitty too, being trapped in a transparent tank where the outside world looks so big but they cannot reach it.

難涼

站在街上，流汗。
坐在家裡，流汗。
邊走路邊流汗，邊開車邊流汗，邊等地鐵邊流汗，邊看球賽邊流汗，邊跳舞邊流汗，邊睡覺邊流汗。
太陽很烈，空氣很濕，雷陣雨很突然，今年紐約夏天很台北。唯一不同的是，這裡晚上九點天才整個黑下來。
已經連續好多天攝氏 35 度左右的高溫，人都慵懶懶散起來，更容易早睡，卻不一定可以早起。

可是我就是可以早起...
三個禮拜前，我自告奮勇的強迫自己早一個小時到辦公室，試試看當個 morning person 的感覺，竟然有一種莫名的很對得起自己的成就感。以前老覺得畢業後就沒有很努力，下班後提不起勁多讀點書，現在下班後不做事完全沒有罪惡感。
原來，我真的還滿喜歡我的工作的。
今天來了一個高中生，他是某某大頭的遠親，他說他就要升高三了，他來我們研究中心想要了解一下腦科學是什麼，降子他年初申請大學的時候，或是選修課程的時候，或甚至是大學畢業後要念醫學院還是進研究所就會比較知道有個底。我聽了還挺開心的，難得遇到有衝勁似乎還聰明的美國白人小孩，於是就很有熱誠的跟他聊了半個小時。想當初我在他這年紀的時候也定好了志向了，他的年紀整整是我的一半啊，我好不容易終於變成前輩了，偷笑偷笑。

後來我的研究助理進來跟我報告她的流水帳，她今天又穿得很辣，我應該要提醒她不能露乳溝的，但是我沒說，只問她身體好一點沒，她這個月請了兩天病假了。我也是喜歡漂亮的人事物的，如果她笑起來不甜，長相身材普普，天天跟我計較午休有沒有滿一個小時，我才不要養她呢。唉，可惜典型的假面笨笨美國人還是多過聰明機伶的小孩。

連續高溫，路人越穿越少啦，Hoboken 和 Manhattan 完全不代表美國人平均身材，男人女人都像是平面雜誌廣告模特兒，下班後就坐在河邊看夕陽，看紐約市，看漂亮的人體，看可愛的小朋友和小狗，看班比多會流汗。

熱熱熱熱啊

change and the PA trip

2005



2010



Within five years, a residential community, apartment complex, has been built on location, and the restaurant made a hill to block the ugly view of match-box houses.
Things have changed. Or some people would like another word for it: Things have evolved. Anyway, I spent my vacation in Pennsylvania last week. First stop was State College, where I lived from August 13, 2002 to May 28, 2007.

State College is different now. For a person who dislikes cupcakes, I tried cupcakes downtown State College. The store is new and called Indulge. Surprisingly, I did not dislike them.
Herwig's moved to a location on College Ave. The food was not as good as before. But the space was much bigger for seating me and my friends.
The night club Players changed its name to something else, but the logo looked the same to me.
The End Results became a bike store. Many more PSU-logo-ed stores are open. Many more clothing shops are open. But why are there two Dunkin Donuts? Hey, Starbucks, get one more store in State College, please.
The Big Bowel Noodle moved to its next door, and is much cleaner with a cute logo.
The downtown cinema is gone and became a Chipotle. The theater on College Ave plays independent films.
I found a Five Guys burger place in town! I really like it in Hoboken.

However, most of the things did not change. The wall of paintings of local elites is still there colorfully. Webster's bookstore. Allen Street Grill. Irving's. Zola. Indian Pavilion. PSU Creamery still serves super-sized scoop of ice cream. Tourists still take pictures with the Nittany Lion. Squirrels are still everywhere.
Standing there, I realized that I didn't miss it at all. I felt very little connection between me and State College/Penn State. Because my graduate-school advisors no longer live there? Because many friends moved or are going move out of it? Because of the new stores in town? No, none of those. It must be me.
I must have changed.

Without much burden of emotional memory, I visited State College and the other towns: State College -> Mill Run (Fallingwater) -> Mt Pleasant -> Ohiopyle -> Pittsburgh -> Bird In Hand -> Intercourse -> King Of Prussia.
I had a great time. Change is good.

Re-visiting my 5-year pennsylvanian life in 6 days