proposal

I have no dream for my wedding. I am not saying that I don't like weddings. I almost always shedded tears in weddings especially during the vow exchange. I just never imagined my own wedding because I don't feel it's necessary for my life or for my marriage if it ever happens.
Getting married is to legalize the social unit in which two people (in the context of the main-stream cultural style) staying together as lovers, financial supporters, live-in companions, and even soul mates. But why is it necessary for the government or a religious organization recognizes my personal choice of life partner?  Why do I need a license for it?  I have had doubt about the involvement of such legal process -- and social expectation -- for as long as I can remember.  Do not blame all the failed marriages for my doubt.  I always have doubts in situations where I feel being forced to comply.

I also do not fancy any kind of traditional or conventional weddings. I think spending loads of money and time in taking wedding pictures before the wedding itself is absurd. That's right. Taiwanese people have been doing so as a regular wedding preparation for decades.  Now this fashion is adopted by other Asian countries.  People usually do not look like themselves in those pictures because they are dressed in outfits that do not belong to them, in makeup and lighting that change the natural features, and in digital editing that transforms them into someone else.  I think wedding-picture taking is only necessary during the actual wedding. I have no objection to hiring professional photographers to catch smiles and other moments during the wedding and reception. 
Any other kinds of conventional things I don't like?  Having the ceremony in any religious setting or building is just not consistent with what I believe.  This extends to the dress. White or red?  Veil or not?  The point is I don't care much about the wedding itself.  A great beautiful glamorous wedding does not guarantee a long-lasting joyful marriage.

However, I have had dreams of proposals since early teens.  Unlike the wedding including people who you don't really know, the proposal is exclusively limited to the two individuals.  Let's not talk about those traditional situations where the guy has to propose to the father of the gal.
I think the act of a marriage proposal puts so much pressure on both individuals that the preparation, the process, and the result are almost always romantic even if the proposal fails.  Yes, I used the word romantic.  My favorite movie-moment of marriage proposals is the one in Stepmom (see the clip below).  I was not 20 yet when seeing that scene. I wished mine would happen in the similar way.




More recently, I found the proposal does not need to be intimate.  A group effort can be very moving too.  Here is the clip making me cry. The guy Isaac really did a great job.

 

And just about a week ago, I saw another proposal following Isaac's approach. I cried again. So hopeless.
 

Although people on some parts of the earth are suffering, this world is still so beautiful with love and lovers who can make their own decisions for their own lives. 
As to my proposal? It happened in the morning after days of not-so-pleasant discussion about the way how I should connect with his family. I woke him up by saying 我們結婚吧 (let's get married).  He agreed.

Yeah... a marriage is not for the two individuals but for the two families. This is especially true when your partner gives his/her family a hugely irreplaceable role in his/her life. I finally made up my mind to have not just him but also his family involved in my life.

female name

If J.K. Rowling or E.L. James used their full first names instead of initials, would you have read Harry Potter or Fifty Shades of Grey? Alright, I have not read Fifty Shades of Grey.

The reason is simple. I don't read romantic fictions, and I heard that is a book about a romantic story with many sexual contents. My information may be wrong, but my point is the name of the author, or more specifically, the first name of the author does not determine my interest in a reading.

I heard the rumor that these two authors decided to use their initials instead of full first names because their first names are names for females.

As a woman, I am angry about this rumor. You should be proud of your sex and proud of your name! Who says female authors can't produce best sellers?

As a person, I am sad about this rumor. I indeed live in a society dominated by men or male-oriented values. The Taiwanese media still use wordings belittling female artists or discussing whether they are "able" to give male babies. The American media still highlight "news" of female celebrities' dresses and hairdos, rather than focus on their accomplishments.

As I am angry and sad, a person -- who is supposed to stand firmly on her position as well as defend her name --insists that she is going to use her first and middle initials from now on, and get rid of her full first name. Seriously? This decision does not earn my respect. We are not writing fictions. We are writing scientific theses. If our manuscript is rejected by reviewers, it is not because of your first name! If our paper is not read or cited often, it is not because of your first name!

I acknowledge that most people (men and women) still question whether women are capable to bring more income to a child-raising family than men. However, in the field of scientific research, I do not think most scientists (men and women) question whether females are capable to conduct a better study than males, or whether females are better thinkers than men. When a piece of work is great, it is a great piece of work. Has anyone despise a paper authored by Anne Treisman, Brenda Milner, Nancy Kanwisher, Martha Farah, or Cathleen Moore because of their first names? The name simply is not an issue.

Don't blame on your own name. Hiding it does not make your work more acceptable or accessible. Unless you are writing a fiction.

goals and objectives

Tomorrow I am meeting with my boss to discuss my goals and objectives in 2012.
I don't think I can ever get used to this corporate model of running academic business. Or perhaps I have not been in an academic business, and I have pretended that I were.

Reading Steve Jobs reminds me of a few people I met in the past decade. I currently am in Chapter 10 and have learned that he was such a dick in his 20s. I have met a few dicks in my 20s. He was definitely a combination of all of them.
But I do admire how he was convinced that he was special and living for a great purpose. I want to be convinced by that feeling about myself as well.

I am special and living for a great purpose.
Reality is constructed by one who perceive it. Even if it is distorted, it is the reality perceived.

My goal of 2012 is to have a purposeful year. To achieve this goal, I am going to demonstrate that I am special in an irreplaceable way.

Alright, this is a nice start of the first business day of the year.
See you tomorrow, the second business day of the year.

mark on the nose

For several days, I saw a stain on my nose, midway between my nose tip and the center of the eyebrows. I saw it first time one day home when using the bathroom after work. I wiped it off and wondered if my face was bleeding somewhere for the entire day because the stain was quite dry. I saw it again the next morning when using the bathroom at work. I wiped it off and wondered what happened to me. Since then, I was very conscious about my nose and the appearance of the stain every time I looked into the mirror. I found it only in the mornings.

Yesterday after a sip of coffee, I saw myself in the mirror and found a wet fresh stain on the exact location of my nose. Oh so it was always my coffee mug giving me that stain! The skin over there had so little sensitivity.
I was actually happy about this discovery. I am so easy to get happy. But what about the day I saw the stain after work? For the entire day, I had the stain on my nose, and no one noticed? Or no one dared to say anything? Or no one inspected my face while talking to me?

People are so trained to say nothing about people's appearance to their faces. One of the best time-killing thing I do with Superstar is judging people on the street, in the subway, in a coffee shop, and everywhere we could speak in Mandarin without being understood. We judge people's body shapes, dressing styles, and even their facial expressions. We admire beautiful men and women. We always have fun. Of course, we don't say it to people.
One night I spoke pretty loudly in Mandarin to the back of a non-Chinese-speaking stranger. I said "you're fat." Superstar stopped me immediately, "What if people understand you? A lot people are learning Chinese now." I defended myself, pretending that I knew nothing about political correctness/politeness, "I'm just describing her body in a neutral way. Like height, skin color, or foot size."
Basically, when a description contains socially defined negative meaning, people do not want to hear about it and do not want to say it to other people either.

For example, "There is a stain on your nose" may not be a very nice thing to say.
But it is so not nice to leave the stain on my nose for the entire day. I am not offended by comments about my Asian small eyes, round nose, big shoe size, or misaligned teeth. You're welcome to say those to me. When I am in Taiwan, I am fine with people saying that I am fat or tall because I am by the standard held there.
I wish I could go to a person and say in a frank but positive tone:
"Hey your hair can be more visually pleasant than it is now."
"You're so confident that you wear American Apparel."
"Your eyes are huge." (Well... I did that)
"I love your sweater." (I said this before too)
"Please close your mouth when playing video games."
"You'll smell better if the perfume is less strong."
"Keep your Chihuahua away from me."

When you see a stain anywhere on my face, please tell me. If you don't, I will feel you don't respect me. See? I immediately judge you again. Can't help it.

It's all because of this new coffee hug mama gave me. (How inspiring!) The mug was a sample that one factory was making for the Taipei International Flura Expo. I loved the artistic print on the mug, but the lid gave me the stain on the nose. Is it too late to demand the factory to fix this problem among others? Well... I cannot release the secrets of coffee mug making. But, mama, ask them to build a better mug lid that will not stain a coffee lover's nose.

Facebook friends

Perhaps I should've avoided it, but I did not. I clicked it. And my heart rate began accelerating before every thing appeared. And I kept on clicking to see every image as if it helped to slowed down my blood circulation.
I had been imagining about this day. Now I realize that nothing could prepare it. Since the first time I started imagining this specific event, I had come up with so many different scenarios, but I never thought Facebook was the media.

Some "friends" feed the "news" so frequently which makes me wonder if I really want to experience everything they feel so awesome or aweful about. Their news feeds cover the entire first "home" page and pushed the news that I actually may be interested (because those are from friends who I actually care or am close with) to the "older posts".
Like now, if you read this blog via Facebook, you may understand what I am talking about.

An RA went on a vacation with her ex-boyfriend. Another RA went to see a hokey game with her ex-boyfriend. I was like "why?" They went "oh, he is just a friend now."
I see, but why did you say you were going to do so and so with your ex-boyfriend, instead of a friend. An ex is always an ex. He or she will always be in this special category of "ex", and never ever will be a friend without any description. "Just" is a description.
Now we people have made yet another category of friends: Facebook friends. So tiring.
But at least, that's where an ex can go. You get it? A friend can be a Facebook friend. An ex can be a Facebook friend. But an ex cannot be a friend. So an ex and a friend can co-exist in the big pool of Facebook wonderland swimming with Facebook friends. However, an ex and a friend will never cross over to each other's category, but both of them may, as time goes by and my hearty feels fade away, become simply Facebook friends.

Sometimes, I wonder whether it is better to reconnect those old-time friends with Facebook and make them Facebook friends, or to keep them safe and sound in my memory as a friend.

detachment

I knew he would simply be a data point in my final report. He would be dissolved into part of the "n" and provide some kind of "average". I would then say something about the likelihood or probability or odd ratio or "not reach statistic significance".
However, for him, stroke happened to him 100%, highly significantly impacting his cognitive, physical, social, and perhaps mental functions. When I was talking with him, he was not simply a data point. He was a brave survivor, enduring various kinds of tests and research experiment procedures. Therefore, I was detached from my "gotta-get-great-effect-size-published" mood, but became nice and smiley and helpful, and remained objective.
Mr. S was quite competitive. Although being a stroke survivor, his attitude and performance were much better than some of my "healthy controls" (i.e., neurologically unimpaired research participants). His wife, on the other hand, was in a not-so-well typical care-giver depression. I wish her well.
Everyone needs to be positive and hopeful in this situation.

When someone you care gets a stroke in his/her right brain, please please please google "spatial neglect". This disorder is most observable in the acute state (within a couple weeks after stroke). And you will understand why you have failed to understand your beloved one. This person's world is no longer like yours, and he/she will not verbally express it because for him/her, nothing went wrong.
How would you know whether the stroke is in the left or right brain? Easy. See if the patient's right or left limbs are weak or paralyzed. The limbs are controlled by the opposite cerebral hemisphere.
Mrs. S had been frustrated for almost 6 months until listening to my presentation on spatial neglect. She suddenly realized why it was so difficult to communicate with her husband in the beginning of his hospitalization. He had said that he felt weird, and usually said so in a visually crowded environment, but he was unable to say what was weird. I did not know if Mr. S had spatial neglect or any kind of impairment in spatial attention, but I knew there was some remaining spatial deficits, for which I enrolled him to my study.
I wished Mrs. S would've been educated more about the difficulty of caring a right-hemisphere stroke patient.

I am not saying that damage in the left hemisphere is free of spatial neglect. It's just less likely... about 50% less.

I talked to Mrs. C this afternoon. Her husband was by the bedside as well. Mr. C said that Mrs. C's memory was still very sharp after stroke. I explained that spatial function was more difficult to detect than memory in daily life. They both listened carefully to me, and they were interested to participate!
I would not know whether their data would be useful in my final report until they pass the screening tests. However, just talking to them I could feel that I helped already.

I was in a seminar of a conference. The presenter showed that patients who learned about brain neuroscience recovered better than patients who did not. That makes sense. Acquiring information makes people feel a sense of control. But more importantly, learning changes brain. To learn is to rewire the brain, which means to make the damaged brain re-organized.

It makes my day when I immediately feel a positive mood from patients after they listen to me.
Whether the final report will make my career or destroy many days of my life, I will not think about it now.

2009 done list

I bought 5 magazines summarizing what happened in 2009 and predicting what may happen in 2010. I guess the journalists pretend the last week of 2009 would be news-less. There are some articles reminding readers of the first decade of the 21st century.
The first decade of the 21st century contains my 20s. The last week of 2009 is of personal importance to me. I am going to say goodbye to my 20s.

How may I summarize my 20s? This is an impossible task. I can only summarize the last year of my 20s, which has been done in this blog. Just click the column on your right-hand side, and you're welcome to read all the entries.
In the first entry of 2009, I posted a list. Let's review it and see if I have made all the items better.

10. The car is good. Bungbung ran more than 5000 miles from Aug to Nov, which broke my driving record. It usually ran that much in 8 to 10 months, but 2009 has been proved to be a year of lots of traveling.

9. I never give it up because I have never made it. Every time I thought I removed some fat, fat renewed itself. I will keep trying.

8. I was not involved in HR. If I were, I would've hired two people within a week when I submitted the paperwork. I interviewed 8 applicants and decided to hire 2 of them. The final decisions were made not just by me (I wish) in October. The two new employees started their positions mid December. What happened? I don't wanna recall this.

7. I got a grant! Thanks to Mr. Obama. I need more. One big deadline is in February. Wish me luck.

6. I emailed a person. I met the other. 2009 is a year of reconnecting to people who broke my heart. I forgive and I move on.

5. I was in Taiwan in January and May. Very happy to meet Mika and to visit Neffy's new apartment with her wonderful super kind husband. Neffy visited me in Hoboken in August. Now I am trying to get a research project going with Ching. I wish to visit Yellow in Tainan. I wish to see Jason happy and healthy. Dear friends in Taiwan are precious.

4. A doctor told Mama that he never saw a person with so much "good cholesterol". Please stay healthy and beautiful, mama.

3. I love Superstar.

2. I finished my postdoc status in less than 24 months :)

1. Hoboken is perfect for my current lifestyle.

I shall make a new wish list in a week.
For now, I am going to stare at those flowers and to think of someone who sang a song in my voice mail.

Happy Birthday to Me.

2009 Birthdays

花錢

自從簽了房租, 胚心情愉悅的要花很多大錢.
首先, 訂了一張床.
那張床據說原價 $1699 pre-tax, 售貨員 (來美國那麼多年第一次遇到那麼積極進取的售貨員) 說那是著名的 W Hotel 專用床 (暱稱 bed in heaven), 現在美東北地區的庫存只剩下三張, 大殺價 $899, 問我要不要.
我看看班比, 剛剛是他問我要不要進來看看的, 現在好了吧, 人家硬要賣我床呢. 而且我試躺了一次還很喜歡, 試躺了第二次更喜歡, 人家硬要賣我呢.
班比說我們只是路過進來看看, 現在不急著買.
售貨員於是追問我們什麼時候要, 我說我七月才搬家, 新床七月才要.
他說他可以七月再送貨.
班比看看我, 你啊你兩天前才大手筆的簽了房租付了訂金, 今天又要花大錢嗎?
售貨員看我們眉來眼去, 緩了緩氣氛說: 我知道你的預算是六七百, 那我讓你躺躺我們家六七百的床, 你比較看看.
我躺了躺, 唉... 我就是喜歡那張 bed in heaven.
床是我最在意的家具, 每天回家花上最多時間就是在床上. 班比了解我, 看看我, 你確定嗎? 喜歡就訂了吧.
售貨員看我們有點動搖了, 他說你再去躺躺. 我說我躺兩次了, 我知道我喜歡.
班比開始跟我分析來分析去, 他說真的要急著現在買嗎? 他說那不過就加了個記憶床墊罷了, 他說他也是很喜歡的啦, 他說可是真的不便宜耶, 他說可是這是你最在意的家具.
我沒有回話, 我又走向那張床, 第三次躺上去.
我下了床, 我跟售貨員說, 我要它了.
售貨員微笑問我要不要使用一年無息分期付款?
What? Really? 我說當然要啊.
第一次享受到有真正薪水的好處: 信用, 信用好買什麼都可以分期付款, 美國人的消費市場原來是這樣啊.

所以我要分期付款買新電腦.
還有新電視. 我親愛的電視跟我也跟了七年, 該退休了.
剛剛在想, 我是不是要加買一個外接的電腦螢幕, 這樣手提電腦在家裡當主機使用, 螢幕可以外接個大一點的, 然後就想想乾脆新電視一機兩用, 可以當電視螢幕來看 DVD 也可以當電腦螢幕.
結果我 google 的結果是: 我還是要買一個電視螢幕和一個電腦螢幕. 真是花錢啊..... 好吧, 電腦螢幕可以等等啦.

以下是倒出我上述結論的資訊:

原著是從 Yahoo+ 知識轉到光華商場論壇, 現在我又轉過來, 作者是 tomigood.

一般大眾大都以為電腦螢幕和液晶電視是同樣的面版,只是有加電視選臺器..等,可以收看電視的就是液晶電視,沒有加裝電視選臺器的有VGA只能接電腦的就是電腦螢幕(或稱鑑示器);其時兩者之主要差別就是在面版本身.

電腦鑑示器主要是收看電腦資訊的,其資訊之呈現大都是以文字表格圖形等靜畫為主,且是靠近電腦甚至就顯在您眼前,故其最主要的條件是清晰;亮度對比不需太高, 以免近看傷眼睛;且因文字表格圖形大都是靜畫,故面版反應時間不需太快.....

電視面版之需求就完全相反,因其是為讓您可以高翹二郎腿,舒適的躺坐在沙發上,遠觀電視而設.因是遠觀故清晰並不是最重要(遠看一朵花,近看一個 疤,哎呀我的媽,原來是個母夜叉....觀賞美女絕對要遠看不能近看,否則您一定是個大傻瓜).但因電視畫面大都是動畫(新聞主持例外),又係遠觀,故亮 度對比以及螢幕的反應時間變的非常重要.(反應時間太慢於動畫動作太大時會發生拖影).

所以有人認為液晶電視接上接上VGA就成電腦鑑示器,而電腦鑑示器接上電視卡或電視盒就變成液晶電視,這種觀念是不正確的,由于面版特性不同, 設計的觀念不同,所以液晶電視拿來當液晶電腦螢幕您看起來會覺得吃力,刺眼,眼睛極易疲乏;相反的您若拿液晶電腦螢幕來當液晶電視那您就會覺得畫面對比不 夠,較不清晰,且畫面移動時會有嚴重的拖影現象.

此外,液晶電視因係針對視訊使用,所以它用了很多視訊專用的解調晶片,如3D梳型濾波器,動態偵測循序掃瞄,動態對比控制,灰階平衡控 制......等視訊專用晶片,大大的題昇視訊的清晰度與可看性,而這些電路都是装在本身基版內,與面版一對一的調整;而電視盒或轉換器不但沒有上述之提 高畫質之電路,而且是單獨之個體,和您的晶電腦螢幕是否匹配的好就要看運氣了.

因為電腦及電視所顯示之標的不同,故像日本電視大廠,如Sony,Hitachi....等大廠已經開始把電視及電腦螢幕作分割,其最高檔之電漿電視已經不加VGA端子,純粹只能用於電視中.
所以您若只要有電視畫面就滿足了,那大可買只電視盒接在螢幕上就可看到電視畫面;但若要享受電視所帶來的聲光效果,那只有花大錢用高檔的液晶電視了.

還有什麼要買啊?
沙發! 五斗櫃! 書架! 桌椅...
我應該要搞一個 house warming registry
還是乖乖存錢吧

please rain at night

The Vision Sciences Society holds its conference every first or second week of May. This year was the 9th meeting and my 6th.
I left New Jersey where pollen attacks me fiercely. I flew to Naples, Florida where summer is the theme. Summer is not the season for pollen. That is, my nose would not be running, and my eyes would not be tearing. I am very glad that I am not allergic to sunlight. Just ... being an Asian means that I am not a big fan of the sun tan, but I do like sunny days and cloudless nights. Click the picture below to feel it.

Summer starts at VSS

Once getting back, I found my left half of the face fighting very hard. Water was coming out of the left nostril and eye. Sneezes became my greetings again.
I saw Bungbung covered with yellow-green-ish particles, oh pollens! Get away from me and my car!
"How was the conference? You look so tired." Co-workers told me. I do? I am tired of not being able to sleep because of my own sneezes.

It rained a bit. I walked in the parking lot and felt light. No congestion. No congestion!
Please rain tonight so that I can sleep well.
But I do want a sunny Friday and weekend. Just rain at night.

flu reaction

I am not quite sure whether my constant sneezing is caused by pollen or by a flu virus. I prefer pollen.
I am not ignorant and know that H1N1 has caught much attention these days because people are getting sick or dying. I was not so worried until Mama called and emailed and highly suggested me to wear a facemask outdoors.
Naturally she is worried, especially bombed by panic-promoting Taiwanese media as often as 24/7.
Therefore, I took a look at the news source, WHO, and directly copied and pasted this message from the WHO website:

"As of 0600 GMT, 3 May 2009, 17 countries have officially reported 787 cases of influenza A(H1N1) infection.
Mexico has reported 506 confirmed human cases of infection, including 19 deaths. The higher number of cases from Mexico in the past 48 hours reflects ongoing testing of previously collected specimens. The United States Government has reported 160 laboratory confirmed human cases, including one death.
The following countries have reported laboratory confirmed cases with no deaths - Austria (1), Canada (70), China, Hong Kong Special Administrative Region (1), Costa Rica (1), Denmark (1), France (2), Germany (6), Ireland (1), Israel (3), Netherlands (1), New Zealand (4), Republic of Korea (1), Spain (13), Switzerland (1) and the United Kingdom (15)".

Let me direct you the US stats data at www.cdc.gov/h1n1flu/
It says that as of May 3, 2009, 11:00 AM ET, there are 7 cases confirmed in New Jersey and 63 cases in New York.

So... what should I do? Do I follow what CDC recommends?

1. Wash my hands. ---- I do after walking through the hospital to get food in the cafeteria. I do before eating.

2. Stay in good general health. ---- I think I do except for the seasonal sneezing. The trees, however, are too beautiful to be cut dead entirely by my limited power.

3. Get plenty of sleep. ---- I have slept quite a lot recently. It is also seasonal. One of my allergic reaction is getting drowsy easily. I fell asleep while reading Angels and Demons (because I liked Da Vinci Code) or One Piece (Japanese manga 海賊王). Both were supposed to keep a reader awake.

4. Be physically active. ---- I take walks, practice yoga, and try to tango at least once a week. I am being lazy recently, however, because I am drowsy.

5. Manage my stress. ---- I did have some stress before April 29. But I am fine and happy now.

6. Drink plenty of fluids. ---- Coffee, tea, and water are my life. I also celebrated May 1 by having half bottle of wine followed by a dizzy head carrying a smiley face. I also bought half dozen of the seasonal selection of Blue Moon! This is my favorite beer of 2009.

7. Eat nutritious food. ---- I had much fruit and milk this week. Kim and Chris cooked tasty Indian food with chicken and various veggies on the last day of my postdoc fellowship. The wine I just mentioned was going very well with the Sicilian style rib eye steak served in a fine restaurant in my neighborhood. It immediately became my favorite steak of 2009. Yes, I also had much chocolate and green tea ice cream recently. They were all very nutritious.

8. Try not to touch surfaces that may be contaminated with the flu virus. ---- This rule is difficult to follow because how I would know whether a surface is contaminated. And try not to touch it? Alright, alright I will try very very hard. No touch at all.

9. Avoid close contact with people who are sick. ---- How close is close? Um... I do shake hands with stroke patients. They are sick indeed, but I cannot avoid them. I promise I will wash hands before rubbing my eyes.

My conclusion is that wearing a facemask to work or to take a walk is overreacting to the current situation, Mama.
However, I did not go to a tango practica today. The reasons are that I woke up with a series of sneezes and felt a bit under weather, and that it has been raining. It will be a pain for me to hold an umbrella with constant sneezes so that I am not able to hold the umbrella still, which condition may attract attention inducing thoughts in people's head that "This girl is sick, and we should avoid close contact with her", and I will get no leader to dance with me.

Be calm and continue your usual life style with an further healthier habits. We will be fine.

how to say no

I do not mind adding strangers as my friends on Facebook as long as these strangers are tango dancers who organize milongas.
I do mind adding non-strangers whom I have decided not to be friends with in real life. I ignore them by clicking "ignore" on their friend requests. Some may keep trying. If they try more than two times with nice cute messages, I might accept it and carry on my life with as little Facebook activity as usual.

This man F, who I ignored twice, facebooked me and clearly told me his identity. Of course, man, I know who you are, which is the reason why I ignore you.
I was the best student in my class. Best, defined by Taiwanese education systems and belief, is getting the best grade in every subject, excluding art, music, housekeeping, or physical education. F was one of the worst students. He hated me for unknown reasons. I believed that he hated me. Now I do not know. Perhaps he thought it was real fun to curse to my face every time passing by me. He was the first person who ever threw the extremely offensive three-word phrase to me, more than several times. The phrase literately means fuck your mother. I was 12. I put up with his face and voice for three years. I do not need a friend like him.
To be fair, I admit a possibility that he may have changed or he may not remember what he had done to me. He was just an immature boy. But I still do not want to add him as my friend even though everyone knows that "friends" on Facebook belong to a different category of friendships.

Last Friday, I did something I should have not done in a milonga.
A beginner dancer, whom I tried not to dance with in a milonga, asked me to dance. I tried not to dance with him because I had danced with him in a practica and I knew that his bad habit was a no-no-no for me to choose a partner in a milonga. He has not learned how to lead with intension or with his upper body. He pushed me around with his arms forcefully. He has not learned how to listen to the follower or wait for me to finish a move. Very uncomfortable. He and I had chatted before, and it was not easy to reject a "friend". Here, friends are defined in yet another different way.
After a song, I hinted him that his arms were a bit stiff, and I encouraged him to loosen them up.
After the second song, I could not smile anymore. Sometimes, a leader like him could still keep a sense of connection through the pushing arms, but I felt nothing but being pushed.
I missed the moment to say "thank you". (Saying "thank you" to your partner on a dance floor means that I no longer want to dance with you tonight or for the next several tandas.) Therefore, I stayed until the end of the tanda. He was happy and not ready to say "thank you" to me. I couldn't help but asked if he was a ball-room dancer. He nodded. I said "You should loose the frame. It's too firm," he looked unhappy, and I continued "thank you."
He will not ask me to dance ever again. I know. I just threw away a potential good dancer if he will be one in a year.
He and I are not "friends" anymore. I guess.

Why do people have to befriend with their classmates?
I find it hard to do. I did not choose my classmates. They simply went to the same class as I did. If it is fine that they and I did not like each other back then, it should be totally fine that I decide not to get them involved in my current life in any form.
What if I offend them on Facebook? I honestly do not care that much. I would say "get a life" or "I bet you are not so needy that you have to have me as your Facebook friend."
Or should I be mean and click "reject" instead of "ignore"? For some people, getting a rejection feels better than being ignored. I do not know F well enough to know which one he prefers.

Why do people have to get comments so personally on a dance floor?
The fact that I dance poorly or wonderfully has nothing to do with other aspects of me. If I can listen to your opinions about my dance talents, it should be totally okay that I donate my two cents to you too.
But I know that I disobeyed the no-criticizing-your-partner-in-milonga rule. Even worse, this person happened to take my comments personally. His immediate facial expression made me feel bad.
Tango already invented a polite way to leave the floor by saying "thank you", but I still do not know how to avoid an invitation nicely or how to give verbal feedback nicely, nicely enough to leave feelings unhurt.
Eric suggested that I could have just stopped moving when being pushed. I replied "that's not nice."

I need something to click:
"Awesome"
"Good"
"Not bad"
"No comment"
"Helpless"
"Please disappear"

I wish the last option was offered on Facebook.

mute

Can't watch Colbert Report online anymore.
Can't talk to Mama via Skype anymore.
Can't listen to Pandora anymore.
Can't hear any annoying Window starting-up noise.
Can't get any warning ding of google chats.

Oh... my life goes to silence.

How could this happen?
Things do happen, right? That's what things do. That's what things do to me.

I was talking with a headset corded to the computer. I was skyping with Mama and sitting in my couch. When I sat up, I felt a current of electricity flowing from my ear to the computer.
The right side auditory channel was then killed a month ago. Since then, I could only enjoy sound effects on one side. Thus, I moved the unaffected audio to the middle, so that I could have the illusion/perception that the sound came from the middle instead of only the left.
Last night, another current, stronger than the previous one, struck into my computer as I moving around in the couch listening to Mama's updates of my brother. This time it even hurt my ear a bit. The right channel was gone in this incident.
Who would know I could be so electric?

The result is a mute computer.
I'll miss Mama's voice and Colbert's jokes and Pandora's singing. Life is changing.

Mama comforts me: Silence is better than sounds. Yeah?
I'm gonna dance to humming in my head. Gonna get some acoustic samples in Yale Tango Festival.

Things, enough is enough. Be nice to me.

siblings

A hey from Saint Petersburg.
Another hey from Taipei.
Both come to me in New Jersey.
Skype connects my family together for several minutes, and Yu my brother disconnects me by walking away from his station.
This is our first online meeting but not our first meeting with Yu walking away on me.
Well, he comes back in 30 minutes although I wish he was going to bed. It is 5am over there.
This is what family is for. We disagree with each other, throw horrible words or even objects at each other, but eventually come back together. We are a functional family.
Coincidentally, we are all experiencing abnormally cold winter in three places on the globe. We can all say "take care and keep yourself warm" to each other.



Being physically alone is not difficult at all. From time to time, I enjoy it. This attitude toward personal space runs in my family. We all respect each other's time and space. When we were living together, we were like roommates with no verbal politeness. When we were apart, we were like friends with very intimate conversations. I have been in the States for 6 almost 7 years. Yu was away from time to time for the mandate military service and currently for a static journey of studying/looking for his true self in Russia. Mama and I worry about Yu. I worry about Mama. Mama worry about me and Yu. I am wondering whom Yu worry about. I want to think of him being less selfish than I always believe he is. I can't help it. We are all selfish.
Mama likes to say how come her two kids turn out so differently while she raises us in the same way. No, not in the same way at all. He is the youngest. I am the big sister. He and I suffer from the youngest-kid and the oldest-kid symdromes respectively.
Therefore, I change when someone takes care of me.
And I believe he will change when no one takes care of him.

However, I also believe that he will not survive if no one takes care of him. He is too used to being taken care of. One cannot throw a domestic cat into the wild wide world in winter and anticipate its immediate matureness. It would catch a bad cold for a start. If it survived the disease, it might learn a lession. If it died, nothing left. However, Yu has been thrown to the wild with care, too much care. He should have not received physical but only moral support. But as a mother, Mama would never provide just moral support. She and I often disagree on how to encourage Yu. She has the final say anyway, so my points can never be proved.

I did not come to the States with a happy smiley face. Tears washed and rewashed my face during the trip to the airport. Over the years, I found myself suddenly bursting into tears behind the wheel by myself. You have no idea about cultural barrier, language frustration, loneliness, love, heart-breaking, or your own stupidity in studying the subject you have passion about by reading books or listening to a person who has experienced any of it. You learn by walking through it painfully. You learn without any possible way that might prepare you for it. I learned. I am still learning.
Being the big sister, I have been in this situation all the time. The situation of being naively watched by Yu.
He sees where I am now but overlooks how I get here.

What is he thinking? Is he convinced that being my younger brother makes the way he is now? I do not deny my influence on him, but I am not apologizing for who I am or what I am. I hope he does not give me too much credit. He has chances to select what he wants and who he wants to be. His chances are given without quota after each failure. Being the youngest, he has been in this situation many times. The situation of being subjectively watched by me. I see where he is now. Do I overlook how he get here? I must have. The bottom line is I am not him and I will not learn what he has learned.
So what? I wish I could be any help. This wish never actually comes true because he never wants to accept my help. I know I am blaming him again. I can't help it.
He is too proud to admit his laziness. He asks for help all the time but seldom accepts it.
I am too proud to show my weakness. I rarely ask for help and often suck it all up.
We both are competitive and like to win. It turns out that we never win each other over.

"Don't think about it." This is the answer I give to Mama who constantly worries about Yu's future.
"Stop thinking about it." This is the answer I give to Yu who constantly feels unhappy.
I shall not think about it. It being unsolveable issues between Yu and me. The cold temperature keeps us in our own places away from home and keeps us stuck with upsetting thoughts.

Here comes a random thought brought by my favorite Colbert Report. As a big fan of SATC, I thank Colbert for linking Gandhi and SATC, making me laugh with the famous theme song tonight. (And please go to bed, my brother. Good night or good morning. It is 11:30pm over here, and I am going to bed.)

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Tip/Wag - Gandhi's Expensive Shoes

Colbert Report Full Episodes
Political Humor

Rap Battle
Joke of the Day

I learn to find joy anywhere anytime. Otherwise, I would have had myself killed by all the I-can't-help-it thoughts. Life is hard. Oh well... stop whining. Laugh when I can. Random thoughts are healthy.

"Life is short. Do whatever makes you happy, my dear." These are Mama's words to her kids. I am getting there, Mama. Don't worry.

生長痛

是誰在痛？
我以為我們要給親愛的研究助理（現在要叫她前任研究助理了）在今天的例行會裡來個離職派對，結果我看到她氣呼呼的走過會議室沒有進來，結果沒人在會議裡提起她，於是我以為離職派對改成午餐聚會。
我想，真可惜我要去開另一場會，沒辦法跟著去午餐。
到了下班時間才看到她，才知道根本沒有派對或是聚餐，才知道她哭了一整天。

早上的例行會裡，老闆來了一個似乎感性的談話，說著實驗室正在擴張，有間歇的生長痛，大家在適應新的工作和新的同事，她難免有時會不經意的錯待我們這些作下屬的，她說她還有很多人際上的事情要學習，希望大家不要避諱的直接提醒她可能犯的錯誤以及誤會。。。叭啦叭啦叭啦

她越是這樣說，越沒人敢說什麼吧。
我不經想起幾個禮拜前的那一場假面的會。會裡只有三人，但是因為我老闆的存在，一個無意義的三人會議變成好像是演給三百人看的戲，還好我從小訓練有素，在不熟的長輩面前的那一套表情和說法可以用得上，只不過換成英文來互相恭維自我防衛。

老闆對前任研究助理的待遇從天堂變地獄的過程有點草率，理由更是無法理解，只能說是一場懸案。過去離職的助理都是因為某些確切或是雞蛋裡挑骨頭的原因搞得不歡而散，而這位前任研究助理工作認真沒有話說，資料一向整理的清清楚楚，也不會帶壞其他研究助理搞什麼超時午休的把戲，對病人的關心很真誠，對實驗進度也很在意。老闆曾經問她要不要長期留在我們實驗室，要放給她多點責任，不久之後她決定要減少工時以準備醫學院的入學考，老闆本來不反對，結果突然態度大轉變叫她走人。
今天算是她的最後一天，她一早來卻發現原來昨天就是她的最後一天，電腦無法進入，郵件無法檢閱，老闆跟她說她不用來開會可以回家去了。

我完全無法理解她哪裡得罪了老闆。
是誰在痛啊？
我在痛啊。我要怎麼繼續在這個實驗室生存甚至壯大？
麻嗎說我老闆喜歡我是因為我莫名奇妙很積極的個性。大概吧，但是那女人已經有很多背後捅人的前例，幾乎所有的離職助理都被捅過，天曉得我可能某年某月讓她不爽了幾秒，讓她牢記在心，怎麼也不讓我以功抵罪。
我目前能做的就是累積人脈和年資，累積到我不在需要依靠她而壯大的時候，我自己開心的依靠我自己而壯大的離開她。等待長大。

或許哪一天我還要謝謝她讓我知道這種險惡的人情世故。

got better

"Will you dance again?"
'Oh yes! As soon as I can walk.'

So I was wrong.
Dennis will dance again.
He is of course very upset about this tragedy. But it is the drunken driver to be blamed. Marylin's death and his damaged leg are not the result of one night tango.

When I was robbed, some blamed tango for I returned home late because of it. No way. I keep on dancing and of course am more careful about my neighborhood.

Victims are not the ones being responsible for all these.
'She was such a nice person and did not deserve this.'
I nodded with him and looked away.

When I knew he was transferred to Kessler, I was like "oh shit". People going there usually need intensive rehabilitation and close care after the acute state.
I went directly to the 2nd floor, hoping he was there because patients on the 3rd floor usually are more severely injured. I did not see him. Taking a deep breathe, I climbed up one more story. I did not see him. Did he come over at all? Or the transfer schedule was changed? Or he suddenly got worse and got transferred out to acute care again? All questions went through my mind.
I went to the reception and asked for him. He was actually on the 1st floor where I seldom walked around for patients allocated there were different from traumatic brain injury, spinal cord injury, stroke, or any other central nerve system diseases.

The closer I got closer to his room, the more nervous I've got.
I didn't know what to expect. There were messages on the Facebook, but none of them clearly described his condition. I was afraid that I would not handle it.
As I knocked on the door, his bright voice answered. I opened the door. He looked at me with his head tilted. I went "Remember me?"
'Yeah, of course! What are you doing here?' And he showed me his usual smile which comforted me a whole lot.

After chatting for 20 minutes, I felt much better.
It was me being relieved. It was me needing this visit.
His good spirit moved me. His injury not involving central nerves calmed me. It may take a couple years for him to recover to the degree when he can dance again, but the day will come. He will recover.

Take care and get better.
I hugged him as I had always wanted to do for two weeks. The sun felt warm in the close-to-freezing temperature. Take care and get better.

to stay low

A year ago, a tremendously bad luck covered me. Please read the 13 posts during January 2008. This year, this month, I have sensed some not-so-good luck coming after me.

1.
On the day as I was stuck in the DC airport, one of my favorite co-workers got a two-week notice of "yeah, we truly appreciate your work, but you are fired" for the reason of the bad economy.
Yesterday I was very naive and emailed him a project. He was like "don't you dare use me anymore before I leave! I was already highly humiliated by the company-wide announcement!" I was embarrassed and almost could not work for the day because the mix of shock and sadness totally struck me.
Hugging my cup of hot green tea, I went to Ms. Protocol's office, asking her how come I didn't know about the news. She showed me the email. I swear to the email god, I did not receive the so-called company-wide announcement!!! Was I got kicked out the company-wide emailing list? Because they are going to fire me too? Wait a minute.. They have to hire me in a few months before having the right of firing me. So, no worries, it was just some email god gave me a bit bad luck.

2.
Last Friday I finally took Bungbung for a check-up. Among many things needed to be done, the lock and a hub cap were asked for being recovered. After three hours of waiting (which is a normal wait), I was told that the circuits of the lock latch inside the door has shortage. The door has to be opened, not open for a passenger to enter the car, but open for a technician to replace the inside wires of the door. However, they don't have the latch part available, and it will take days to order a new part. Plus labor hours, it will cost me about 300 dollars to fix the lock. I told Rick, my tech representative, please put a note on my file and I may deal with it next time I come another oil change.
Bungbung was waiting for me on the parking lot with all four hub caps on his wheels. I was very happy to see him fully dressed. The one that had been missed and now placed back was lost last January (exactly!) Because roads in New Jersey are full of holes. Because during the winter, trucks easily plow icy mud with road parts everywhere in New Jersey. I drove through a big hole and lost Bungbung's cap. Anyway, Bungbung got all four caps again.
Today as I came to Bungbung after leaving the office, the cap was gone.
The new cap was gone.
No more new shoe for you, Bungbung.

3.
After watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall during the weekend, the DVD player went on strike. It refuses to play any more DVDs. Why? Forgetting Sarah Marshall has become one of my favorite romantic comedies! It is filled with all witty creative jokes, so so so so so funny and not as dirty as Superbad (which is pretty funny too). You should have been on strike after playing a movie such as The Day The Earth Stool Still.
Fine, I said, the DVD player was bought very cheap and may have lived longer than it should have been. Thus, I went to buy a new player. My Sanyo TV is old, bought five months after I entered the graduate school. Therefore, I did not want to get a nice fancy DVD player to pair with the TV. My decision was to get another super cheap player and called it a day.
The super cheap player came home with me. It did not play anything inserted into it.
I somehow was very calm and wondered what these two players in common. Both were made in China, cheap with one less than 40 bucks and the other one less than 30, and came with the same label "Progressive Scan". Holy, I thought they belonged to different brands. It turned out that Progress Scan is the brand name while Philco and Memorex are the model names.

One morning after a satisfying breakfast, Mama and I were dozing off in the couch with some talk show on TV. One woman was gossiping about a guy's bad luck and said "when one is in bad luck, he only attracts negative energy, so anyone he meets during that period of time will only bring bad luck to him."
Mama suddenly yelled out "oh that is so true!" I could have jumped out of my skin with the abrupt voice coming from her. Therefore, the above-mentioned three incidents totally remind me of her remark.

Even though both Eastern and Western cultures agree that three make a set, I prefer to stay low key and not to attract more possibilities for bad luck coming near me.
I will leave office no later than 5:30 pm before the roads got all frozen.
Bungbung will obey speed limits and may even run a bit slower.
No more China-made DVD players will be paired with my TV.


[Post hoc note a day later after purchasing a good "Designed by Samsung & assembled in China" player:
Progressive Scan actually marks a good characteristic of a DVD player and means that the player plays the DVD well and fast. That is, the two lemons wasted my money and time were indeed two brands.]

welcome 2009

Taipei where my heart starts.
Where the new year has started.
Welcome, 2009. It's gonna be happy.

Bye bye, 2008, which was a happy blue year as I had wished!
However, certain wishes did not come true and remained being just wishes:

10. To sort out the entire car thing with little effort (well... much effort has been taken for the past two months actually)
>>>>> The car thing was sorted. Case closed. It was pretty bad and depressing, but at least I was not beat up. Depression is not in my system.

9. To lose weight (haha.... it's always on my wish list. I want my face to lose weight especially. Ask me again about my email address? You may if you don't laugh.)
>>>>> Now I have Superstar's support. I will do my best, my dear.

8. To be involved in the HR department (this is not very likely to happen, but I still want to make a wish to hire some real cool and smart geek into the IT department)
>>>>> IT has not become more popular and actually become even more annoying (yes, their disability of being helpful is helpless). But at least I found more and more coworkers on my side: the disliking-IT side. I give it the stamp of "Case Closed".

7. To receive an award (I have been working hard and I think I may deserve something)
>>>>> I did not receive an award. Alright, guess I need to work harder.

6. To write people who rarely reply (there are two people particular in my mind)
>>>>> There is one person I have not got in touch. One day, I will. This year, I will be ready to do so.

5. To meet dear best Taiwan friends and Mika in March (yes, girls, I am talking about you. If my budget is not eaten up by the car fixing, this wish should be able to come true.)
>>>>> Case closed and will open again :) Mika was very cute in March and still very cute now. I had a great happy birthday meeting all dear Taiwan friends and Mika.

4. To know that mama is in great health and happiness (she prefers me to be physically closer to her, which is only thing I cannot promise her. But other than that, I will do anything possible to make her happy.)
>>>>> Case closed. She looks fine and happy as now I am writing and she is watching a movie by my side.

3. To see a/the sunny boy again (I need sunshine in my life.)
>>>>> Case closed. Superstar walked in.

2. To get a real job, not a fellowship ("real" means an H-1 visa)
>>>>> Case will be closed soon. I am about to get a real job for sure in 2009!

1. To move into the city (anywhere with a great tango community and a great public transportation and diverse cultures)
>>>>> Not gonna happen in a couple of years. But I'm gonna move out of South Orange and move to Hoboken.

Welcome, 2009. A few wishes can be added:
1. My effort of fixing up friends pays off nicely.
2. Things settle down as they should, settle down into peaceful happy places.
3. I re-find my all-time favorite life style.

Let's wait and see. Actively wait and spontaneously see.
Be an activist. This is not a wish. This is what I am and will be. Wish you be so too. Happy 2009. Keep tangoing on and on and on and on.

be merry

Superstar fixed my coat.
I don't know how people learn this kind of things. Time is the factor. Where do they get all the time for making a meal, sewing up a button, planning a surprise party, or shopping during this crazy shopping season? Is it true that I have 24 hours a day but others have 36? So not fair.

Let's talk about them one by one. First, make a meal.
One night, Superstar decided to cook. If you ever came to my place, you would imagine how clean my refrigerator was. It preserves air, basically, in case I need fresh air for abrupt panic attacks. You know, I like to be prepared for my health condition.
Therefore, in order to cook, ingredients were needed. I was like... oh no.... that would take a long time to get everything. So how about pasta? Get noodles and a jar of sauce?
Superstar: sauce? I never bought prepared sauce.
I was literally in shock and thought I met another Italian. Immediately I had a deja vu of the 30-min public scolding, led by the second-generation Italian research center director, on how unbelievable it is that I do not cook. The director even made noodles in his house.
Pei: how did you make pasta?
Superstar: flour and milk. um... do you have flour?
Pei: Do I? Can we just get a jar of white sauce? It's much easier.
Superstar: alright, I'll trust it this time. White sauce means seafood. Let's get fish. Which fish do you think better in pasta?
Pei: No idea.
He picked the fish and said that cooking should never go easy and got some fresh squids and scallops. He walked around, sniffing herbs, touching vegetables, wrapping spices. I followed.
Grocery shopping took an hour. Cooking another hour. We finished dinner within an episode of Sex and the City.

Second, sew a button.
I did take the class, in both junior high and high schools. Mama helped a lot in this domain, however. She sewed a stuffed animal and knitted a scarf for me to submit them for my grades.
You cannot blame me on my impotent skills. I don't have 30 minutes for fixing a hole on my shirt. I don't have 20 minutes for ironing a skirt. I don't have 10 minutes even for thinking about repairing clothes.
Alex, Zabeth, and Mama all fixed my clothes for showing how much they loved me or showing how much they could not stand watching me doing anything. I prefer to believe the former.
Superstar took my coat and asked why I was frowning. I said I might need to carry this long coat back to Taipei for Mama to show her love.
I can do it in 5 minutes. He said. That was one of the most romantic things to say. My body was dancing. I was free from worrying time that might be wasted. Super.

Third, plan a surprise party.
On Monday the 12th, Dr. Anna called me in the morning and asked me to be in the lab asap. What did I do wrong? Why was I thinking that I might do something wrong? Did I do something wrong? I hurried to the lab. What greeted me was an incoherent shout of "happy birthday!"
I was truly surprised.
This officially was my first ever surprise party. I had had no clue that she would plan a party for me, two weeks ahead of my birthday. Wow, it was awesome. They sang the birthday song. Paola showed up late, and I easily forced her to sing the song in Italian. I was flattered, totally.
When did they find the time for planning such a party?
Well... I myself have throwing parties for friends, and most of them were openly known what was celebrated. It was an effort for making people merrily surprised.

Fourth, shop in December.
Since the black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving), every store has been on sale. I had been good and not joined the madness. Macy's was one mad place to visit now. I could not find my breath in Macy's on the 34th street in NYC. People were everywhere. Lines of lines. Waiting for waiting.
Thus, I went to Macy's on the JFK express way in NJ. It was better but still took me 4 hours to get things matching my expectation. My expectation was not easy to match. I may have tried on 10 and not taken any. I may have liked one thing, but that thing was out of my size. I may have wanted a specific item and never seen the item in the specific texture that I wanted.
I was so tired after 4 hours battling with clothing and cashers. I didn't even walk around to see other things in other stores in the mall. My left arm was paralyzed from carrying kilograms of the to-be-tried-on.
I wish the trade-off of time and money was pure pleasure.

If I had 36, instead of 24 hours, a day, I would not spend more time on any of the four things mentioned above. I might be less cynical. I may read more books. I will watch more movies. I am going to hang out with witty friends more..... so that they will take their time doing the four things mentioned above for me :)

Oh, be merry!

to move

I'm moving out of South Orange. Soon.
After the terrible thing happened to me 11 months ago, something even more terrible happened in my building a month ago. Similar kind of crime. But the recent one involved a show of hand gun.
Also, since some time ago, my buzz from time to time got ringed up after sunset, and I never buzzed anybody in because no one answered at my request. Yes, just like the 777-777-7777 caller. Oh, the caller was a woman with a non-native-English accent. She did say "hello" at the third call. Next time, please introduce yourself in detail with understandable English. You will not receive a thankyou note from me.
Right, I am talking about moving.

Where to move?
My first pick is Hoboken. It's close to the Village, just one PATH stop over the river. I heard nice things about it. Nice things that only a city animal like me likes to hear. Things like safe to walk around past mid-night. Things like crowded street with people all the time. Things like the residents are mostly young professionals. Things like Hoboken has its own social scene.

Hoboken is expensive, however.
I found a cool website hotpad.com where they show sorta 3D google-map-like resident housing map. But housing no more than three blocks away from PATH is barely affordable. Let me give a couple of examples:
1000-sqft, 1 BR with 1 full bath, plus parking space asks for $2700 per month.
1200-sqft, 2 BR with 2 full bath asks for $3400 per month.

Then I found an ideal apartment in a good location for a short walk to PATH. The apartment contains units of studio, 1 BR, 2 BR, and 3 BR, including the following amenities that I like: Dishwasher, Cable Ready, Sun Deck, Walk-in Closet, Doorman, Health Facility, Internet, Parking Garage. And short-term lease available.
Price?
Studio: $2,070 to $2,480
1 bed: $2,400 to $2,665
2 beds: $2,925 to $4,120
3 beds: $4,205 to $4,470

Hm.... I am a poor scientist.

I read in the Sunday times that some places offer a kind of deal called rent to buy. Perhaps I should look into that. Perhaps I should know Hoboken better. I am going there every other weekend until I move over there.

To start integrating my future with my present, I am going to dedicate my blog space talking about Hoboken. As a starter, let's find some cute true stories about it.

Why is it called Hoboken?
My google results immediately brought me to wikipedia, which is never my favorite place to look for causal information because wikipedia is too... too ... not me. My eyes hurt after 10 hours of work, and wikipedia worsens the symptom.
Google prioritizes its bloggers. So I was brought to Finding myself in Hoboken, and the blogger talked about the name! Some europeans named it long time ago. Now it's a brand name for its culture and people.
See? They seem like nice people.
South Orange needs this kind of spontaneous PRs to improve its image. What a shame. I liked South Orange. Now I just want to break up with it.
However, the story of the naming of Hoboken is not some cute story that I wished.
OK, next.

Frank Sinatra was born in Hoboken.
But he left Hoboken in his 20s, only returned twice before he left to another world for good.

What else?
It is just difficult to learn a place without living there. I need something visual. I need something for me to imagine. Even the project by the Hoboken Museum looks marvelous, I still need to experience those locations before feel anything significant about its history.

What else?
Let's get some lottery tickets, and perhaps I will afford or even own an apartment in Hoboken earlier.

shout from water

No more fMRI before the end of 2008.
This is my decision.

How much can I push this project? I have priorities too, tall guy.
Alright, this project has been there before I came to the research center. I was very excited that tall guy was going to resubmit the proposal so that I might be able to see the superior colliculus getting hot in front of me. Right, I did see it. Because I pushed tall guy to scan some healthy people and to get some nice pilot data in the proposal. But the pilot project kinda died after our connection in the medical school decided to be unhappy about his career and life and everything in general and left. He left without a word to me. How uncool was that? I called and emailed him thousand times. His voice mail box was always full so that I could not leave a message. His cellphone was always unanswered so that I could not know if he ever used it. His email was as useless as his cellphone. Tall guy made excuses for him: He was really unhappy now.
So?

So I pushed again. I pushed tall guy all the way to UPenn. That was summer. UPenn doctors were lovely. They liked the project and immediately asked us to email them a proposal so that they would let us play with their scanner. They would give us money! Oh, the research center is always hungry for money. No money, no research. No research, no money.
Weeks later, there was no proposal, so I pushed tall guy again: Hey, where is the proposal?
He did not do anything. So I did. I trimmed the original 15-page proposal into a 3-page. He made some edittings and submitted it without knowing any rules from the UPenn side or from our research center side. So the proposal got puked back. He re-did it as if someone owed him something.
Finally, the proposal went there. It seemed like money would come anytime or we could go there scanning people anytime. Yeah, seemed like.
Weeks after, I popped a question: Do we need to apply for an IRB there?
Tall guy said: Yeah... we do. Can you whip up an IRB application here and then base on it to do a UPenn IRB?

What? Can I? I can but I will not. We means you and me, not just me.
I know I am capable to do things and to do things well. But I am not your b*tch. Man, this is your project. You are the PI. You have not paid me anything or recognizd me in anyway since I got myself involved for the sake that I love the idea of the project. You know, love can be killed too.
You wanna play it slow? Let's play it slow. I am fully occupied, and I found my priorities which do not include your stuff.
You say I rock. Hey, I know I rock and do not suck up your laziness anymore.
Do your own IRB. I am busy.


I am a proud little fish flying in the big ocean, yelling up to the land called reality, yelling up to the tall guy whose ears are so far away and so not receiving correct sound waves passing water and air. All I can do is to shout at him here and be passive until the next time the urge of my push comes again: Hey, are we going to do the project or not?