十二歲

紐約的公共廣播電台最近有一個新的系列節目叫做 ”being 12", 記者訪問在紐約地區十二歲的孩子們, 他們在做什麼想什麼用什麼.

所以我最近上下班的時候, 聽著電台就在想那個時候的我. 1992 年初到年底...... 

那時我剛愛上劉德華. 我會去電影院看所有他主演的電影, 那時候的他甚至到現在都是電影主角... 歲月饒過了他. 歲月饒過認真保養的人.

我也會背他當時所有的歌曲, 包括國語和粵語. 

他是我當時白日夢的寄託, 因為我的真實生活並不是很順遂. 我開始踏入升學的壓力, 忽然發現我的身世背景跟全班同學最不門當戶對, 發現友情是一件奇妙的事情, 對愛情很懵懂, 對親情很複雜...

那一年, 跟我走最近的一個同學轉學. 不過, 友情長在, 到現在還跟她有聯絡.
我有時候會想為什麼一直跟她保持聯絡, 尤其是我跟她的生活圈一直很少有交集, 或許就是因為我跟她的生活圈一直很少有交集. 她跟我說的事情我沒地方去八卦, 我跟她說事情在她的人際關係裡沒人在乎. 我們有類似的價值道德觀, 我們不會批判對方行為的對錯, 我們都是很好的傾聽者.
不過我沒跟她說過她曾是我的 girl crush, 我剛認識她沒多久就開始嚮往她的人生, 她擁有好多我沒有卻好想要有的東西. 她很有女人味很有異性緣, 她有一對相愛相扶持的父母, 她去過好多國家, 她有好多電影票和演唱會門票. 我跟到的那些公關票, 我學她的穿著打扮, 我當她出去約會的電燈泡. 十二歲的我, 還沒找到自己.

那一年, 應該是那一年, 第一次有個男生說要親我.

我們那一屆好像是第一屆還是第二屆男女合班, 十二歲的我們情竇初開, 開始有地下班對, 開始有誰跟誰出去約會, 誰跟誰牽手, 誰坐在誰大腿上, 誰寫情書給誰, 誰是誰的第三者. 那時候真的是... 天真無邪到用星座血型來評斷誰跟誰配對. 

那個男生沒有親到我, 不過他有牽到我的手. 我當時還在暗戀另一個人, 從我十一歲的時候就暗戀的對象. 那個時候, 一年像是一輩子一樣長.

應該也就是那一年, 我跑到文具店去找離婚證書. 沒得買呢! 所以我爸就自己手寫一份. 十幾年之後, 我出國留學之後某一年回到那文具店, 發現他們賣離婚證書了.

我從七八歲的時候就知道我父母的婚姻很有問題, 直到十二歲那年終於受不了他們老是用 "為了小孩" 當藉口而繼續折磨對方, 於是我要他們離婚. 這些對話是怎麼發生的, 我不太記得了, 我只記得從此以後我跟麻嗎變成比母女更親近的關係.
我記得我跟我暗戀的對象說我父母離婚的事情, 他盡然好像心有戚戚焉地想要安慰我, 說他父母也在鬧離婚, 他了解我的心情. 那時我才知道我的心情沒有不好, 我覺得離婚對大家都好. 我才知道他一點都不了解我. 暗戀是一件很難熬的事情啊...  

那一年, 還發生一件很重要的事情, 我答應麻嗎我十點鐘才上床睡覺. 之前我都是九點鐘關燈就寢, 現在我可以九點去洗澡, 九點半看港劇, 十點睡覺. 我對流行的東西很晚熟, 完全錯過小虎隊直接跳到四大天王; 完全錯過日劇, 直接看港劇. 

我並不一定一上床躺好就睡著. 在睡著前那段幾十分鐘裡是我最自由自在的時間, 我會幻想我是一個電影明星或是一個全世界矚目的人, 然後我的家人同學們老師們是怎麼樣的對我另眼相看, 然後我假裝我的英文很好, 然後我跟我自己演一齣只有自己知道的戲碼. 我從十二歲的時候就什麼事情都往心裡藏, 因為我那時就覺得自己跟大多數的人格格不入.

十二歲的人都覺得自己很不一樣吧, 這是一個很奇妙的年紀, 就好像這廣播節目的副標題：The Year Everything Changes. 節目裡被訪問的好多孩子們也正開始崇拜偶像, 跟風流行音樂, 分界誰跟誰一卦, 初嚐青澀的愛, 所以我的十二歲跟現在的十二歲沒有太大的不同. 

到了現在, 我覺得我先老了才變年輕的, 我先悲觀過好久, 見識過好多, 才變成豁達的我. 

活胡同

我的人生有幾段似乎相連好像又可以無關的篇章. 有一兩個篇章, 常常在夢裡出現. 應該說, 篇章裡的人在夢裡出現.
是我在想念他們嗎？還是, 我在想念那些時光？

我最熟悉的台灣流行歌曲大多是 1992 - 2001 十年間出版的. 如今偶爾聽到, 記起來不只是旋律歌詞, 還有當時的人, 發生的事, 甚至說過的話.
然後到了美國之後, 幾首英文歌曲似乎是強化某些篇章. 偶爾聽到也是莫名其妙得被推進當留學生的回憶裡.

記憶不是事實, 每回想一次, 事實被曲解得越多, 回憶就越變成你想要的事實.
這是個活的胡同, 越鑽越推就, 回憶就越美化或是越醜化.
即使我都理性的知道大腦就是這樣運作的, 但是我還是會想去解釋去拼湊偶爾想起的片段, 然後問自已我是不是還念著誰？他們念著我嗎？他們回憶裡的那些片段跟我的一樣嗎？
我好想要知道他們是不是也念著我！我要不要 FB 他們？想辦法知道他們現在在做什麼, 想辦法知道他們變成什麼樣子了. 要這樣做嗎？其實, 我真的念著他們嗎？不過就是一首歌一個夢, 我不念著誰, 我只是還記得. 記得跟想念是有差異的.
應該就是這樣吧？對嗎？想太多只是自尋煩惱.

然後我又繼續過我的日子, 直到下一次我又夢到什麼我又聽到哪一首歌.
十幾年之後我會怎樣想起現在？我到時候會念著現在的誰？不, 是記得.

good bye, hoboken

I locked myself out tonight when doing laundry. This was the first time ever since Oct 2011 when I moved in to this apartment. I have two locks on my door. The top one is a deadbolt lock and the bottom is a knob. They share the same key. Normally, I kept the knob unlocked so when I left the apartment with the door came closing itself up, the door was kept unlocked until I manually locked the deadbolt.
Okay now, for more than two years, every time I went downstairs for laundry, I always carried the laundry basket and allowed the door to close behind me without carrying my keys. Tonight I did the same as usual. However, at the moment when the door closed, I was like .... shit!

Earlier today a guy called me, telling me that he came to my apartment to fix the heater. He got the key from the landlord.
Last week after I told the landlord that I was moving soon, the landlord came for inspection and took a set of my keys. When he took the keys, he tried on the locks and asked me why the knob was kept unlocked. I said "for my convenience." Right there, he told me he preferred both locks were locked when no one was in the apartment.

Alright fast-forward to this evening when I came home, I found both locks were locked. I used the same key to unlock both and opened the door.  Only until the door closed behind me later tonight, did I realize that the knob may have been in the position of "automatic lock itself when the door closes itself." But the realization came totally too late!!!  I locked myself out of my apartment.

How ironic! One week before I moved out I was locked out of the apartment.  The first night when Superstar and I moved in (yes, more than two years ago), Superstar went out for taking dinner while I was unpacking. When he came back, he found out that he was locked out while I was locked in because the deadbolt was damaged.  Unfortunately, the bolt was broken in pieces, being stuck inside the door frame. At that time, the knob was totally broken and dysfunctional. Superstar could not turn the key to move the bolt and thus unable to open the door, and I could not turn the switch from inside the apartment to open the door either. That was a Friday or Saturday night when no locksmith was working. Superstar worked magic and dismantled the lock, leaving a hole on the door. I gave him a hair pin and sticking tape, shedding some light through the hole with a flashlight. He did remove the bolt from the door frame. Oh my. I thought that was too exciting for the first night of moving in with my boyfriend. The next day, the landlord came and installed the current deadbolt and knob locks on my door.

Now I was locked out because of the stupid knob lock. With 10 degrees outside and with my indoor outfit, I went to the backyard, which was covered with deep snow, and I tried to reach high for the fire escape ladder. I was hoping to pull it down so that I could climb into my apartment. With my socks and no gloves, I stood on a wobbly chair with my wobbly legs and tried to reach as high as possible. I was a failure.
So I went upstairs, knocking doors of my neighbors, but no one was home. Who would be home on a Friday night? Then I went back to the backyard with a broom stick in the hope of reaching the hooks of the ladder.  No use.  But this time I noticed that my first-floor neighbor, a hair salon, was lighted. I locked her door. She was there! She helped me with a stool and a long swiping stick.  At this moment I remembered that my rain boots were outside my door. I did not have to stand in snow with just socks. So I put on my boots, and the salon owner held the stool for me so that I could stand up straight and high with a great confidence. But when I looked up to the ladder, I wondered if it would fall down on me when I pulled. What if I could not handle the weight of the iron fire-escape ladder!? I was making myself insane.
Anyway I pulled and pulled. The ladder was fixed still there and not coming down! I was so frustrated. "Let's call the landlord," I said. I knew the salon owner had the landlord's number.
She made the call for me. The landlord said the technician who had inspected the heater earlier today was still in Hoboken. He could come over in 3 minutes. Oh thank you, whatever up there!
This whole drama lasted for about 45 minutes. I knew it because that was the time for my laundry to be done in the washing machine.

Oh I love the hair salon owner. She is a nice lady with a sincerely friendly manner and good taste in flower arrangement at her windows and our front yard. I will thank her once more before my move next weekend. Yes, I am moving out of Hoboken.

I came to Hoboken in the summer 2009, two months after I got the real job. I picked Hoboken because it was close to Manhattan, one PATH station away. In addition, PATH runs 24 hours. I picked an apartment on the first street because it was very close to PATH. However, the first couple nights proved how bad my decision was. My apartment was on top of a popular Irish pub with dancing music. My landlady owned both the pub and the apartment. For some lazy reason, I stayed there for two years before moving to the sixth street with Superstar. I have been a resident of Hoboken for more than 4 years now.

Last summer Superstar moved away for his PhD education. Since then I felt uneasy and wanted something for myself. I was almost angry at myself for not being able to change the current situation. When Superstar and Mama kept telling me to save money for the future, I wanted something for the present and not something forcing me to live for the future. I had a breakdown in front of Superstar's relatives: I yelled in front of them in a nice restaurant that I wanted to live for now, not for the future! Right there I knew I needed an immediate intervention by myself. I was driving myself crazy. No one could help me. As usual, I figured that I am the most important supporter for myself. Of course, this time Superstar provided his support, which I truly appreciated. I didn't tell Mama until I signed the lease.

I have wanted to live in Manhattan since 2001, when I started watching Sex and the City. Now I reached the age of the characters in Season 3. And I knew I am capable of financially supporting myself in Manhattan. I wanted to move in to the city now!
The motivation was strong and was ready to be realized. However, the final kick came from a series of events happening at the end of 2013 and the beginning of 2014, all irrelevant to my life, but lives of people very close to my heart. A good friend failed yet again in conceiving a child. Another good friend's husband suddenly walked out on her around the time before their first anniversary. A coworker suddenly lost her husband in her arm in their home on my birthday.
And I was like... life is right now. I want to move to Manhattan now even if I am spending all my monthly income without saving as much as I was expected to. Superstar and Mama's expectation can be suffocating sometimes only because I do care about their opinions on how I run my life.

The weekend Superstar and I came back from Taiwan in early January, I looked for an apartment and found one both he and I like very much. I signed the lease two weeks ago. We are going to have a new home.
So, good-bye, dear Hoboken. 99% of the picture I took in Hoboken was at the riverside, looking over to Manhattan. Soon I am going to be in Manhattan, possibly looking over to Hoboken if I have a chance. I will miss the Art, Music, and Italian Festivals, the friendly city hall workers, the fireworks, the local restaurants, and the view at the river.

post-Sandy Halloween 2012

Two days after Hurricane Sandy hit, the curfew of my town was finally lifted. I took my car out and drove it away. Not so far away. I tried to get to work. There was not much traffic on the road because 99% of traffic lights were not working. However, the pathways connected to my work were blocked because of falling trees. Two hours later, I gave it up and found downtown South Orange unaffected by the storm. Oh this is the town housed my worst year of life.
Superstar and I stopped there for food and made a plan: find a place with power and internet and work from there. We decided to go to a place 40 miles away.

Superstar and I went to Flushing, Queens. (Every time when I use this expression "Flushing, Queens", it feels like Flushing were a town and Queens were a state. It's like saying "在台北的天母", no no, actually it feels more like "在大安區的東區" because Queens is "just" a borough of NYC)
Anyway, we went to Flushing surprisingly easily without any traffic jam. However, it was FULL OF PEOPLE AND CARS, taking me almost an hour to find a parking space. Chinese-speaking people there were happily doing their business more than usual. Halloween-dressed children were everywhere doing trick-o-treat. Lines of lines of people were waiting for buses (because the subway was and is totally shut down). Later, we met up with friends and went to Forrest Hill (still in Queens).

The current circle of friends is formed by people from Taiwan, living in or around Forrest Hill. I have not had such a big circle (roughly 10 people) of Taiwanese friends for ... hm... 10 years I believe. I am the oldest person in this circle. I know it sounds tacky...  When I came to the States, I was only 22. What a baby, thinking I had all figured out.

Thanks to Sopi, allowing me use her internet. I did work a bit, replying to tens of email messages. Many of the messages were asking if I was alright. I have had a bad diarrhea since the hurricane landed and I still ran to the toilet 3 times already this morning....
Oh no, the hurricane did not make any physical damage to me or my property (i.e., my car "mini wing"). The terrible thing was actually no connection to the rest of the world. My cellphone could not receive any signal even until today. I am a news junky. I love reading and watching news every day. I want to know things. I am on Facebook, Flipboard, and CNN apps. The sudden and prolonged disconnection made me so isolated and bored.
So having friends around or going to friends so that they could be around was quite a treat. We had dinner and after-dinner sweets and chatted and chatted until it's about time for bed (around 10pm.. yeah... I know.... I'm not young anymore).

When the car entered Hoboken, we felt it. It was so dark that my eyes needed a few minutes to adapt, It was the full moon (or very close to full). Shadows under bright moon light simply gave me a chill. As we slowly drove into town, the car headlights showed the spooky Halloween decorations outside the buildings. People were taking causal walks with flash lights. No trick-o-treat. Just treat. It was a peaceful night with sporadic siren alarms vooming in and out. With half of the town evacuated, street parking became so easy.
The full-moon Frankenstorm Hurricane Sandy is gone. But the scary things follow the scared people. Rumors started about the tapping water safety. Riots in all gas stations in New Jersey and New York.
Stop spreading rumors. Stop panicking! Just staying calm will be a great help.
Thank you, Hoboken. Oh, I need to go to the toilet again. 

來迎接下個十年

最近認識一個小我整整十歲的女孩。十年前的今天，我開始了我的美國生活。
如今回首，有多少巧合造就了今天的我？有多少是我的努力？有多少是努力造成的巧合？有多少巧合成全了努力？
好多的過客，時間去蕪存菁的留住值得我留住的人。

十年前小月跟著我來到美東，現在小月坐在我窗台。小搖頭是後來加入的夥伴。

巴黎行(下)

來到巴黎，除了鐵塔、凱旋門和博物館之外，就是要去看看教堂，像是遊台灣的旅客一定無法錯過廟宇一樣。
我看了三個教堂，其中兩個有進去參觀。
一到巴黎的那天(6/16/2011)，Zabeth 要我多接受陽光洗禮，這樣比較容易對抗時差，所以她帶我去一個自從"艾蜜莉的異想世界 (Amelia)"上映後就變成景點的聖心大教堂(Basilique du Sacre-Coeur)。 一路從她家走過去，她說她媽媽在世的時候那附近還不是景點，聚集很多藝術家，她媽媽很喜歡去那裡晃。
現在倒是聚集很多畫匠，跟旅客收錢畫像，像是紐約的時代廣場。
過兩天(6/18/2011)，Zabeth和我去聖母院(Cathédrale Notre Dame de Paris)。上回去加拿大魁北克的時候，剛好有遇見別人的導遊說聖母院對法國人的重要性，所以我發現法國到處是聖母院，像是台灣每個城市一定會有媽祖廟一樣。大家都喜歡有個媽媽形象的神保佑自己。
巴黎的聖母院是我見過最方整莊嚴的教堂，她的正門外觀是目前最合我美感胃口的教堂。蓋了三百年才完成的大型藝術品。
我在巴黎的最後一天 (6/23/2011)　要去 Zabeth 的系上報告, 她說去她學校之前，我們可以去看一個她的德文版巴黎導覽裡推薦的教堂：聖禮拜堂 (La Sainte-Chapelle)。是的，在我到巴黎造訪 Zabeth 之前，她自己其實沒有好好參觀巴黎各大景點。例如我和她都是第一次去龐畢度，第一次登上凱旋門。總之，她一直有準備她自己的巴黎導覽，終於搬來巴黎一年之後有用武之地。
我必須要說，聖母院的外觀或許是最讚的，但是聖禮拜堂的二樓內景是最無法用言語形容的，我一登上二樓，立刻起雞皮疙瘩。
以下就是我去這些教堂的相簿：

Churches I visited in Paris

最後要介紹一些小景點給你
1. Jardin du Luxembourg 就是一個有整齊樹木花草噴水池的公園。我跟 Aya 在六月十七下午去的，天氣不太好，開始下毛毛雨的時候，我們跑到附近一家茶店坐坐 bread & roses，還行啦。
2. Opera Garnier 巴黎歌劇院，裝潢繁雜華麗，唯一很現代的是歌劇廳天花板，跟週遭的雕飾完全不合的現代派藝術畫家 Chagall 的大作。我跟 Aya 六月二十去的，本來是想要試試第二天有沒有歌劇可以看，還好沒票了，不然就錯過一年一度的夏至音樂節。可是我們還是有進去參觀。
3. La Fayette 百貨公司，就在歌劇院附近，百貨公司本身就是一個世界各大城市都可以找到的百貨公司，景點是百貨公司中心的天井，天井頂是一個巨大的彩繪玻璃。六月二十二，Zabeth 帶我進去拍幾照片就出來了。
4. Jardin du Tuileries 就是羅浮宮和 Place de la Concorde 之間。或者換個說法，從羅浮宮可以一路直直走到凱旋門，羅浮宮和 Place de la Concorde 之間是Jardin du Tuileries，Place de la Concorde 和凱旋門之間就是香榭大道。
5. Avenue de Champs Elysees 香榭大道，嗯，就是一條圍繞著昂貴名牌商店的馬路，對我來說值得一走完全是因為馬路底是凱旋門。
6. Place de la Concorde 還滿適合拍照的。不過交通號誌燈的設計有點不明確，遊客都是匆忙衝過馬路，經過時要注意交通安全。
7. Place des Vosges 是個古老的紅磚社區住宅，四面公寓為著一個公園，你在 Wikipedia 可以找得到喔。
8. Rue Mouffetard 是一條長長彎彎的小巷子，充滿各式各樣的小商店（包括珍奶），是 Zabeth 的爸爸在巴黎最喜歡的一條街。我和 Zabeth 去那裡逛了一下子，買了一條裙子。

就這樣啦，有機會自己去，有空就看看我的相片囉：

Small tours in Paris

最後，因應麻嗎要求（"我想要看你在照片裡啦，出去玩怎麼都拍風景")，我放幾張不容易猜到我在哪裡拍照的獨照來給她開心一下。

巴黎行 (上)

到達巴黎之前，我買了一本小小的巴黎導覽，因為那導覽後面幾頁有地圖還有一些旅遊須知的法文，至於景點有哪些，我並不是很在意，班比卻是很在意，在我的導覽上圈了幾個他認為我非去不可的地方。
飛機一落地，我有點緊張，因為 Zabeth 給我準備的邀請函不是官方文件, 是私人書信的方式, 可是她用法文寫, 所以我不確定內容是什麼。我心裡盤算著答案，如果海關問我住那裡，我就說住旅館。因為旅館訂房紀錄不需要警察局蓋章，而我一印出訂房紀錄，就在兩天內取消了訂房，所以沒花到錢。如果海關質疑我的旅遊經費，我就出示我的信用卡。如果海關問我有沒有保險，我就給他看我的健保卡。結果，我拿出我的台灣護照，她連頭都沒抬起來看我一眼，一句話也沒說，章就蓋下去了。我就進入歐盟了。

循著 Zabeth 的指示，我坐 RER 換 Metro (地鐵) 到了火車站東站 (Gare de l'Est)，Zabeth 在站門口迎接我。於是我的巴黎行程正式開始，每一天幾乎都是由 Zabeth 策畫。六月十六下午三點開始。

我去了大部分外國遊客一定會去的大景點，也去了只有熟路人才會知曉的小景點，算一算我一天平均去兩個景點，大部分的時間是在走路和聊天。
巴黎很好走。到處是見機行事的路人和鑽來鑽去的機車，車子都短短窄窄的，街上沒什麼垃圾，很像台北，可是空氣品質比台北好。巴黎地鐵站裡垃圾很少，手機有通，標示滿清楚的，但是樓梯處常常充滿尿騷味，而且夏天車廂內沒有冷氣。這麼一比，紐約就輸了，巴黎地鐵有的優點它都沒有,又髒又臭人又爆多，地鐵更是在各個方面都不及格。台北就贏了，除了到站時有過多語言的廣播之外，我對台北捷運幾乎沒有怨言。

在巴黎走來走去很舒服，建築物很美，漂亮有氣質的人到處是。在非景點的地方，我覺得白人和黑人的比例差不多，東亞人很少 (所以常有人盯著我看)；在景點，白人最多，東亞人零星但次之。看人，是一件很休閒的事情。
夏至那天傍晚，我感受到巴黎年輕人的活力。整個巴黎充滿小小的音樂會，大家都出來玩。我和 Zabeth 的朋友在運河岸散步聽音樂吹晚風，這也是我小小的旅遊導覽上沒有提到的事。
如果你對巴黎非景點的街景和人物有興趣，點一下這照片：

Ordinary Scenes of Paris

我最喜歡的大景點是艾菲爾鐵塔 (Tour Effel)。因為只要它能入鏡，照片就很有風情。因為我只要一靠近它，我就微笑。第一次看見它，是在龐畢度中心 (Centre Pompidou) 樓上，那是我在巴黎的第三天。第二次是我在巴黎的第五天，我直接到它面前，天氣陰雨，可是我還是喜歡上它。第三次是第六天　06/21/2011，我從羅浮宮 (Musee du Louvre) 沿著香榭大道 (Champs-Elysees Avenue)走到凱旋門 (Arc de Triomphe) 的路上, 一直遙望著小小的它。 第四次是第七天，天氣終於放晴，我參觀完羅浮宮後沿著河岸走向它，在塔腳曬太陽看小說聽小提琴演奏。第五次是我在巴黎的最後一晚，我在凱旋門上看著它變成金色。
既然說到凱旋門，它算是我也不錯喜歡的巴黎代表性大景點，因為它比我想像中大，比我想像中要來的莊嚴。以下的相簿包括艾菲爾鐵塔和凱旋門：

Effel & Triomphe

博物館我也去了幾個代表性的，羅浮宮是一定要的，我個人對於它的建築比對於它的館藏有興趣。奧塞美術館 (Musee d'Orsay) 的館藏才是我的最欣賞的。龐畢度中心就是個典型的當代藝術美術館，但不一定是追求"美"的。我跟 Zabeth 還找到畢卡索博物館 (Musee Picasso)，結果發現它休館到2013年，館藏世界巡迴中，而目前正在台北！是的, 門口標示著六月十八到九月十八在台北歷史博物館 (建中對面) 展出。所以下一個相簿是我的博物館之行：

Pompidou, Orsay, & Louvre

。。。待續

Food in Paris

I loved my vacation because I do not speak French or German.
Finally I understood why Mama loved vacationing with me in English-speaking locations. For ten days, I depended on Zabeth and Aya for everything. Zabeth, in particular, planned my daily hour-to-hour step-by-step schedules, provided me with comfortable bed, introduced me with her lovely neighbor/colleague John and his GF Julia, and fed me with delicious food.

In markets, I watched Zabeth purchase yummy cheese, wine, beer, fruit, yogurt, French cider, bread, milk, and other raw ingredients for cooking. She is not an ordinary shopper. She knows what she is doing. She spends money wisely, investing only on food that guarantees at least 3 out of 4 Michelin stars.
I said nothing. She did everything. And I was well satisfied.

In restaurants, Zabeth or Aya explained the menu for me. They ordered food for me. They fetched waiters for me. They said thankyou for me. I said nothing. They did everything. And I was well satisfied.

I loved this vacation. Even my brain was so relaxed.

committe membership

I am now officially on a Master committee. How cool is that?
The committee chair Marianne just had a girl (3 weeks old tomorrow). So it would be convenient and nice to go to her place for the proposal defense. Walking into her dining room, I had the image:

Many years ago, I was preparing Master's proposal or thesis. Toby was busy taking care of Mairead or Kieran so that Cathleen could work. I was stressed out to meet the deadline and needed Toby's comments. So Toby asked me to go to their place for discussion. We worked on their dining table. The cat Matilda was walking everywhere. Oh, I remember the cat. She was not afraid of strangers. She was so curious of me that she put her face right in front of my nose while stepping on my paper.

Back to the present time, Marianne's mother was there helping her to take of the baby so that she could work. The other committee member Janine arrived there a few minutes before me. The student presented her research proposal. We asked her questions. Then the student was asked to get out of the house and wait for our decision. I had another image of my Master's proposal meeting, which was a disaster. My committee not only grilled me but tore my proposal apart. Well, I may be exaggerating but I felt so. The original blog entry (built before the era of blogs or facebook) was not online anymore, but I found it in my hard drive. It was written on Oct 18, 2003:
(Sorry, English readers)

不可置信的，今天是禮拜六，凌晨兩點鐘才入睡的我竟然早上七點半就起床了。

蕭蕙（交替恐龍的室友）為我做了兩個總匯三明治，讓我帶來學校。帶「來」學校，是的，我正在辦公室裡，剛才，總共花了四個小時弄完了"post-proposal" proposal of my master project。

為什麼 proposal 後還要 proposal 呢？這是一件令我哭笑不得的事情。

禮拜四（10/16/03）是我學術生涯的一個邁進，就是提出碩士研究的申請，我已經花了至少半年以上的時間（我決定要在胚胚的頁上貼出我的實驗步驟演進圖），回美國之後又不停的跟 Cathleen 和 Toby 討論，每討論一次就修改一次，大大小小的修改不論，至少我覺得我很享受這其中的過程，我可以跟他們討論出一個實驗的方向，和解決問題找出真相的方法。就在寫出正式的那一份 proposal 之前，我的三位 committee members （包括 Rick）都已經知道我的研究是什麼，也都沒有什麼大疑問，也都跟我說我是多麼的了不起想要探究一直沒人去碰的領域（是的，我是第一人啦！暗暗的爽），也都跟我說我的碩士提案可以擴大成博士研究的提案，不過我目前需要的是先拿到碩士，後續的研究就看我之後願不願意繼續了。

總之，我呈現一點都不緊張的狀態，反正他們都知道我在做什麼，反正我已經練習過好多次怎麼 present，proposal 的前一天晚上我還再看了一次 "Lilo & Stitch"。

禮拜四早上十點鐘，開始。

當我講完我提案中最複雜的部分的時候，我非常舒暢的期待這一場 meeting 的結束，因為我想連最複雜的部分我都已經搞定了，接下來沒什麼好怕的了。然後，Cathleen 突然炸出一個問題，她從來不曾對我提起的問題。

先話說從頭，我做了兩個 pilot studies，第二個 pilot 有非常驚人的（對我們廣大的 vision science 領域是驚人的）結果。通常做 pilot 的目的不是要看結果，而且 pilot 所收集的 data 不夠多應該也不能當作是很有統計效力的 data。但是這個 pilot 的結果卻讓人難以忽視。於是 Cathleen 就質疑如果這個 pilot 的結果是可信的，那麼我第一個實驗的邏輯性就會出現問題。Rick 開始點頭，本來幫我的 Toby 也動搖了。

我，傻住。

還好，我天生就是緊張起來不會臉紅，我天生就是緊張起來不會語無倫次反而講話更慢（多謝麻嗎生得好），我努力的思考想要辯駁，心裡卻有另一個聲音：如果我第一個實驗，也就是所有實驗的源頭出現了瑕疵（一個這半年來沒有人告訴我的瑕疵），那我這個提案肯定要重來，碼的。

就在我思索的時間裡，他們三個熱烈的討論起來，他們突然比我還有興趣做這個研究，回答我的大問題 " Does exogenous or endogenous shift of attention take more time to move a greater distance?" ，我也在那段時間裡理解了我的 pilot study 真是恐怖的可以變成另一項研究計畫，又憂又喜之際，Toby 要我出去。

我要在會議室外面等待他們的決定，一種被人推下高樓的心情。你們怎麼可以在 proposal 的當下改掉我的實驗？為什麼前幾個禮拜都不說一句話呢？你們怎麼可以讓我花了百分之九十的時間在最困難的部分，讓我以為簡單的部分是真的很簡單而不需要多做解釋？

Toby 開門了，"You're approved."他開心的說。

我居然可以安全的落地！

為什麼呢？第一，他們說他們難得遇到這麼有討論氣氛的 proposal meeting，他們覺得受教良多，他們覺得他們也腦力激盪到了。

第二，我在 present 的時候，很沈穩的回答了 Toby 的一個問題。

Toby 是有名的電人王，因為他太聰明了，他總是可以很快的吸收一個 presentation，然後提出一針見血的問題，系上很多人（包括教授和學生）都很怕他，雖然他平常是個超可愛的大小孩。

"You impressed us by answering that question." 這是他們的說法，但是仍然難以抹滅他們要我更改實驗的痛。只是心情忽然間平靜的像木頭。

所以我要從新思考一次我的實驗設計和流程，在大方向大問題都不變的情況下。

下禮拜我要在 brown bag （我們認知領域每週三的午餐 meeting）報告我的 master proposal，有一半的 slides 要更改。好在，我不用重寫一份書面的 proposal。

更改實驗，所以又要再弄一個 pilot，所以這兩天就在忙這個新的 pilot。

現在離十一月不到半個月，我十一月初要去溫哥華開會，要做一張去年實驗結果的海報，well... 還沒開始做。開會回來之後有兩個 presentation 在等著我。不會累死啦，只是眼睛已經快死了，短短幾個月，我的近視度數已經加深了許多，是我可以察覺到的加深速度。

呼～

Back to the present time again, we the committee discussed about the proposal a bit more and were excited about the potential project that may be brought about from this student's Master research. Oh of course, I see the Master project more promising the PhD project. My Master project, as you see, was initiated in 2003, has become a career by itself. Toby and I have done at least 30 follow-up experiments since then, using college students from Penn State to U of Iowa. We just submitted a paper last month. If Marianne does it right, this student's work can become a good ten years of work.
But I felt thrilled that now I was the person who stayed in the room while a student was asked out to wait, and who watched the student get nervous.
We chatted and signed the paper. The student got called back in. And we said "Congrats!"

Feeling even more responsible, I got back to office and work with a reminder of the reason why I have wanted to be in academia.

不再受難

前天，美國人所謂的 Good Friday，臺灣人翻譯做基督受難日的那天，爺爺走了。

他其實是外公，可是我一直都叫他爺爺，害我小學一年級的 "生活與論語"考試沒拿滿分，因為媽媽的爸爸應該要叫外公。
後來為了區分，他是松山爺爺，爸爸的爸爸叫屏東爺爺。

爺爺是山東人，後來又說他其實是大連人，反正因為他，我有四分之一北方人的血統。

每個小朋友都有的乳名，就是名字最後一個字連音就是了。漢漢，君君，中中，佳佳，侃侃，亘亘，但是我就沒有，因為我的名字不適合。
可是爺爺給我一個乳名，只有他在叫。小佩"易"。因為北方腔的關係，他唸起來就是"易"。

爺爺來台灣娶了台灣人，可是我沒聽他沒說過一句台語，倒是阿嬤的台灣國語有山東腔。
爺爺當警察的時候騎哈雷，自己也有一台打擋車，我幼稚園的時候有坐過幾次。
爺爺不當警察以後在饒河夜市當管理員，我有去參觀過他的辦公室幾次，並沒有因為他的關係撿到什麼店家的便宜。

我國小的時候，爺爺每個禮拜天下廚。他做的酸菜白肉鍋還有北方涼菜是我童年回憶裡還不錯的片段。不過，我完全沒有勇氣去碰他面前那每餐都有生大蒜和一小杯高梁。
爺爺很兇的，我沒有逗他笑的天份，只有阿姨碼媽和君君有本事逗他笑。
爺爺訂了很多吃飯的規矩，都是被罵的時候才知道規矩的存在，例如他動筷子前沒人可以動筷子，吃飯的時候不可以講話，左手要就著碗，筷子不可以跟碗盤敲出聲音，拿碗的時候不可以捧的碗，敬酒的時候要兩隻手一起拿酒杯。
跟爺爺打麻將的規矩也很多，腳不可以放在椅子上，不能用左手拿牌，不要隨便碰吃槓壞了門清。

爺爺那麼兇，我幾乎沒有頂過嘴，除了用筷子這件事。
我一直不會用筷子，像是拿筆一樣的握著拳頭拿筷子。高中還是大學的時候，他又唸了我一次，我回嘴說會夾就好了，他瞪了我一眼說會寫字但是寫得不漂亮有什麼用。我忘了是麻嗎還是阿嬤使了眼色要我安靜，可是我認為他理由沒有說服力，我現在也還是不同意。
可是就在我大學畢業前，我突然學會用所謂標準漂亮的方式用筷子。不過他沒稱讚我過。
我離開台北之後，他老得好快。不兇了，更不多話。

爺爺退休之後，練毛筆字不算什麼，他學英文，還信了主。
他成了全家唯一的天主教徒，書房裡放了聖母聖靈的畫像，阿嬤沒說什麼，覺得他要拜什麼就讓他拜啊。
健康狀況走下坡後，他沒再去做禮拜，聽麻嗎說教友會來拜訪。
最近幾次住院，神父和教友都有來探望。麻嗎說他還捨不得走。

前天，他放下了，在誦經聲中安詳的離開了。教友開玩笑說他會跟耶穌一起復活。
於是 Good Friday 從此對我而言是有意義的。

Pearl Harbor

Pearl Harbor

I arrived in Honolulu, 7:30 pm April 8th. It took me more than an hour to drive to the hotel. Not that it was far from the airport, but it was that all the street names looked alike (and sounded alike if I tried hard to pronounce them). So I missed turns and went to strange places although the car-rental clerk had told me it was easy to get to the core of Waikiki from the airport; "just follow H1 and then 92 east" she said.
After picking up mama the next morning, I agreed with the clerk that it was quite easy.
Navigating in Oahu is easy in general. The network of the highway is not complicated. The signs are clear. The roads are in good conditions with few potholes. The only thing I have to complain is the traffic lights. One night when we were driving back from the west to the hotel, meaning we needed to go through Waikiki, green lights were followed by red lights, and lights seemed to stay longer red than green. For the same amount of time I could have walked back if I had abandoned the car right after getting H1 (the highway).

The Pearl Harbor is close to the airport. We went there after the morning session of the conference on April 10th. Yes, I did go to the conference before enjoying the vacation.
I am going to post more pictures of my Hawaii trip. Here is the first entry (just click the album cover above.) The pictures preserve more memory that my narratives. Aloha.

光頭的背影

我認識幾個光頭佬，他們並不老，只是二十幾歲就禿了，索性就剃光了。
有兩個光頭佬的魅力不因為光頭而減少，他們曾經在不同的時間點增添我生活的樂趣，不過他們都已經不知去向了。

Heath算是瘦小但是精壯的體型，很 man 很宏亮的聲音。最常用的字眼是 f 開頭的那個字，是名詞動詞也是副詞形容詞，但是從不覺得他在罵人或是情緒化，他就是可以很有創意很生活化的用那個字交到很多朋友。
他有很多朋友嗎？我其實不是很確定，但是我倒是很欣賞他的直率，完全沒有一般美國白人裝模作樣的虛偽，他開心他不開心都直接表達。
我記得他說流利的法文德文和西班牙文，一點也不像典型的德州佬。我羨慕他去過很多地方，我也想要當考古學家。
他烤的牛排很好吃，道道地地的美式大塊牛肉，大火上烤十二分鐘五分熟，粗鹽加新鮮黑胡椒，那是我記憶裡很開心的一個夏天傍晚。在座還有誰聊了什麼話發生什麼事，我不太記得了。
然後呢？他說他戀愛了，他開著他的卡車回德州參加高中同學會，跟過去老同學再見鍾情？似乎是這樣的，總之他回來賓州後就說他戀愛了。認識他的人都滿意外的，Heath 不是不相信戀愛的嗎？
他很會攀岩，徒手攀岩的他像是蜘蛛，快速來去不畏地心引力。
他家裡放了一個倒過來的枯樹，根在上，粗粗的枝在下。還放了一張至少 4x6 的童年大頭照在客廳裡。他是我唯一認識的被領養長大的人。
我借他看 Before Sunrise 和 Before Sunset，而且一起在他家裡看完其中一部。
我對他的記憶就是這樣，不是很連貫，就在離開賓州時，我決定那兩部相隔九年的電影不再是我念念不忘的好作品了，Heath也不見了。
今天經過一個街角，一個帶著圓邊布帽的光頭佬讓我想起了 Heath. 啊，Heath 也愛穿很合身的 T-shirt 的。我沒有等那陌生人轉身，我已經看見 Heath 的笑臉，我繼續往前走。

偶爾這樣想起一個生命裡的過客，我淡淡的笑，他現在人在哪裡並不重要。

change and the PA trip

2005



2010



Within five years, a residential community, apartment complex, has been built on location, and the restaurant made a hill to block the ugly view of match-box houses.
Things have changed. Or some people would like another word for it: Things have evolved. Anyway, I spent my vacation in Pennsylvania last week. First stop was State College, where I lived from August 13, 2002 to May 28, 2007.

State College is different now. For a person who dislikes cupcakes, I tried cupcakes downtown State College. The store is new and called Indulge. Surprisingly, I did not dislike them.
Herwig's moved to a location on College Ave. The food was not as good as before. But the space was much bigger for seating me and my friends.
The night club Players changed its name to something else, but the logo looked the same to me.
The End Results became a bike store. Many more PSU-logo-ed stores are open. Many more clothing shops are open. But why are there two Dunkin Donuts? Hey, Starbucks, get one more store in State College, please.
The Big Bowel Noodle moved to its next door, and is much cleaner with a cute logo.
The downtown cinema is gone and became a Chipotle. The theater on College Ave plays independent films.
I found a Five Guys burger place in town! I really like it in Hoboken.

However, most of the things did not change. The wall of paintings of local elites is still there colorfully. Webster's bookstore. Allen Street Grill. Irving's. Zola. Indian Pavilion. PSU Creamery still serves super-sized scoop of ice cream. Tourists still take pictures with the Nittany Lion. Squirrels are still everywhere.
Standing there, I realized that I didn't miss it at all. I felt very little connection between me and State College/Penn State. Because my graduate-school advisors no longer live there? Because many friends moved or are going move out of it? Because of the new stores in town? No, none of those. It must be me.
I must have changed.

Without much burden of emotional memory, I visited State College and the other towns: State College -> Mill Run (Fallingwater) -> Mt Pleasant -> Ohiopyle -> Pittsburgh -> Bird In Hand -> Intercourse -> King Of Prussia.
I had a great time. Change is good.

Re-visiting my 5-year pennsylvanian life in 6 days

mother's month

It's the season of graduation, and it's why the traffic was so good in the morning. I guess. People are taking days off for their children, their close families, and their loved friends' graduations.

Last night the Chinese restaurant owner asked me why less and less Chinese students came to order food, and was it because they had some meal plans? I said I was not studying in this town. She apologized nicely, and I smiled and left. I knew my look has not changed since I was 12.

I am so done with schools.
I remember pieces of my graduations. The day I graduated from the kindergarten was the day I first tasted McDonald's, which was right next to my school and was one of the first stores opened in Taiwan. That was the only graduation that my father participated. I don't quite remember where mama was, and I believe that she was on a business trip overseas.

Several days before my elementary school graduation, the teacher was making a decision who were the best ten students in the class. She asked me if I minded to be the 11th even though I was actually one of the two 10th. She said that I could still sit on the stage but my name would not be called. I guess I was alright about it. I don't recall any family member being there for me. I had been used to being left alone by my parents, seriously, at that point of time when they were so busy with their own mess.

Junior high graduation was quite emotional. Everyone cried. Many students, including me, started our own personalized yearbooks for classmates and friends to not just sign but also to write pages of notes. Some students would get mad if their "best friends" did not write much. Mine was held by a friend who eventually wrote 20-something pages. Now this friend and I have lost connection.
Mama came to my graduation because I graduated as the best student in my class. She wore an elegant light green suit. Her hair was long, and it sides were loosely gathered on the back with a simple delicate chignon. My hair was long too, and I loved it when people said that we were like sisters even though the speaker and the listener knew it was not true.

High school graduation was a blur. Everyone was very happy to get out of the school, and no one was feeling sad. In fact, many of my classmates went to the same university, but I did not, which never bothered me because I seriously forgot about the names of people I met during those three years within three months. The graduation itself was not memorable either, but the incidents afterward were. I got a huge bouquet with 99 red roses from a boy I went out with, and a bouquet with tens of champagne roses from a mysterious neighbor who took the same bus with me for years. They did not become my boyfriends.
Mama did not attend my commencement for it was infamously boring with politicians. However, I called her to come for my roses; they were too much for me to carry home.

Graduation from the university was quite fun. I volunteered to give a speech so that mama would agree to come. She did show up and appeared proud of me. I don't quite remember what happened after the ceremony, but I smile every time I thought about it.

I actually did not graduate from a masters program because the department did not offer one. However, they did offer a masters degree once I met all the criteria before continuing on my doctoral program. Therefore, I provided mama an excuse to take her first ever long doing-nothing vacation from work since she had started working at the age of 22. She came for my masters. I borrowed a gown and walked. After shaking the dean's hand, my hand accidentally left in his sleeve. Blame the ridiculous wizard gown. Was the dean a he or she? Oh well...
After driving Mama to JFK, I felt like accomplishing something huge, and tears came.

I did not walk after finishing the doctoral program. For me, the day I passed my oral defense was the day I graduated. And seriously, commencements were boring. And seriously, I refused to pay $850 to buy a doctoral gown. I used the money to fly back home for a month.

You will not believe it that I actually graduated once again two years after getting my PhD. The postdoc fellowship I got was a very structured program, which ended with a ritual sacrifice of my and my fellows' time (9am to 10pm). Although no one close or dear to me was there that night, I was quite emotional. I felt so alone. Professionally I seemed to achieve something, but personally I truly wished someone were there to make me feel that I might have achieved something. I drafted a thankyou note in my head as if mama were there.

Thinking back, my adulthood was shaped being "independent" or bravely alone. I am not proud of it. I wish everyone could get their dreams come true in their own countries, using their languages and being with their families and friends in a reasonable driving distance.

Today Mama just received her gift from me for Mother's Day, which I thought was May 16. USPS was not bad at all. I thought it would take at least ten days, but she got the gift in 7 days. Nice. She also found the wrist watch! She lost it a couple weeks ago. It was mine until last year when she saw it.

All I want to say is thank you and I love you, mama. I wish I got to say so at one of my many graduations. 麻嗎 謝謝

I love you too.

小月的旅程

民國九十一年... 大概只有台灣人知道民國是什麼玩意，我已經不知道現在是民國哪一年了，總之民國九十一年是我用西元年的開始，那年2002 八月十三，小月在我的隨身行李裡跟著我飛到了美國賓州。





2007 五月，小月跟我搬到紐澤西。有多明尼加來的小月神陪她坐在一起。

2009 年底，她離開我去歐洲旅行：

小月歐洲行

eternal and spotless

You either get moved or entertained by a movie; otherwise, the movie is worthless to you. Since the beginning of the cable-TV era, I have watched same movies repeatedly because of the simple reaosn that they were played repeatedly on TV. Mama tried to stop me from watching same movies but gave up because she found herself watching same movies repeatedly too. Why is it hard to drag ourselves away from the TV, from a movie that we have watched again and again? One reason is that this is a moving or entertaining movie. It is like a good book making you read again and again until you can repeat every line. For example, Stephen Chow's movies define my generation. His movie lines build the conversations and social interactions.

Without a TV cable subscription, it is much harder to watch same movies over and over again. So I bought DVDs. Tonight, I watched Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind. I saw it in the theater for the first time. I loved it, and bought the DVD. I watched it, and loved it and told people how I loved it. That was four years ago? Oh, gosh, time really can fly.
Watching it again tonight with my new TV reminded me how great this movie is, and new fondness was created; that is, I like it even more now. How clever the story is. How well the director made the cuts. How convincing the actors' mutual chemistry is. How precise each character's role is.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

~ Alexander Pope

Total acceptance is one essential component that characterizes or be the evidence of love. This was why I felt so moved and understood when walking out of the theater in 2004. Now thinking back... I cannot think much back. My memory is a blur. I went to see the movie with my housemate. I was single, not dating anyone or interested in anyone. The core of me was there, intact or innocent without much ruins.

Moving has cleaned up my collections in physical world and mental life. Things are re-organized. Thoughts are re-analyzed. I realized how unhealthy or depressing during the past two years of postdoc. Those years were not simply post-doc but post-PennState, post-school, and post-breakup. Living in South Orange forced me spending too much time with myself and memories, preventing me from moving on. When you have to constantly consciously tell yourself to move on, it is not a good sign, and it is damn hard to move on.

Just three weeks after moving, I feel refreshing and happier than ever. I ran by the river, looking at Manhattan, smiling to other runners, thinking nothing but focusing only on the sounds and views of my surroundings. I sat in my red couch, in my bed, on my bar stool, within the window-side corner, on the floor with or without the carpet. With almost everything new to me, I feel released from the past. Memory, thus, decades more rapidly. I am such a sad person, only recall upsetting memories.
If I were seeking help in the memory-erasing clinic, I would have huge breakdowns and provided them a brain map super easy to find. I am too focused.

Recently, many Taiwanese start using Facebook. A lot of my old classmates "friended" me. Some of them, I do not remember. If you and I have not contacted each other for so many years, the reason is simple: we did not connect and probably would not and should not. If the picture of you or the name of you cannot remind me of anything of you (i.e., you are not in my brain map of memory), I really don't know how Facebook will make us closer. But I added many "friends" nonetheless for the sake of social pressure. What the hell.
Many of them, I thought, had been erased by the perfect human system but some traces were left. A few traces trigger pieces of memory. Pieces of memory get connected. Boom, ah! you! how could I remember those details? But I do remember those details. Amazing. I am amazed by my mind.

Now I remember why I loved the movie even more after the second view than the first theater appreciation. This movie is a good application of cognitive/affective psychology. It should be a required film to watch for all psych major.

Moved and entertained, I am very satistied. This memory of feeling is eternal and spotless.

心念到處轉

年初在台北的房間裡尋找一樣大概忽然出現在夢裡的東西：小時候我自己刻的藏書印。
大概找了十分鐘我就放棄了，大概是以為我還在作夢，大概不太確定那東西可以存活那麼久。

最近搬家整理著兩年前搬離賓州就應該要整理的箱子們，我看到了那個我很久以前拿來裝藏書印的零錢包，自己跟自己微笑道［原來你一直在我身邊啊］，也沒立刻打開，反正就是安心的確定了它的存在，它不會跑掉就在那邊等我去看看罷了，不需要急著去摸它一下。就像是我總是在科技大樓搭捷運，但是我沒去過科技大樓，反正要去總是隨時可以去啊，然後我就離開台北，每年回台北也沒想要去，反正要去總是每年都可以去啊。

過了兩個禮拜長日短眠的炎夏搬家適應新環境的身心寰宇大掃除，好不容易兩天前我可以閒閒沒有雜念的窩在新新的書茶小角落，翹著腳吹風曬太陽看書，心念一轉又想寫東西。
每年總是有幾個這樣的心念一轉，然後我就會開啟那堆了十幾個都是只有四五頁開頭的故事，然後可能再加一個文字檔，可能心念又轉走了，寫作之路又繼續無限延期。這回呢，我想如果我把形式都搞定，說不定我可以認真的看待這個寫作夢。

曾經我有個英文筆名 december，那麼中文筆名也來叫做十二月吧，嗯... 不是很喜歡。把十二月三個字拼一拼，拼成青，嗯... 當然不行啊，青的文字風格跟我的不一樣。還是胚吧。
那...

就在我那來那去東張西望的時候，我看到那個裝藏書印的零錢包，走過去盯著它幾分鐘，我居然發起呆來，發呆對我來說不是一件簡單自然的事情，通常必須要有高人引導或是疲累到一個限度。當我發現自己在發呆的那一瞬間，我拿起了那零錢包不再遲疑的打開它。

有兩個印章袋呢。一個是紅色絨布袋，一個是藍色運動褲布袋。
我知道藏書印是在藍色運動褲布袋裡，又是那種一看到記憶就會湧上的情況，那時為了高中美術課... 高中美術老師想要把大家都變成全能藝術家，我們從素描、水彩、國畫到雕塑都要會，還要會畫室內設計圖、背西洋藝術史、寫博物館參觀報告。藏書印就是我十四歲那年刻的，空前絕後，打了分數之後，我回家把國中的運動短褲剪一剪縫一縫變成印章袋... 這也是空前絕後的作品啊。
但那紅色絨布袋裡是什麼啊？
我先打開未知物的布袋，啊！是你啊！是大學時候去澎湖玩買的五花石，正楷刻了我的名字。澎湖故事妻的 T-shirt 是一直跟著我，偶爾還是會在家穿，但是這印章真的是在我的記憶裡迷路了，現在看到它感觸良多啊...

把兩個印章都洗刷一下，放在顯眼的地方，心念轉到眼底變得模模糊糊。

小星，帶個紅色印泥來給我吧！我立刻寫信給要來找我玩的姐妹。
書兒們即將要烙印了，跟留在台北的書一樣，會有那四個字，麻嗎告訴我的四個字：自在一生。

king has gone

I was there, October 1996, when MJ came to Taipei.
That was actually the second time, and the last time, in my memory when he toured to Taipei.
The first time was in my junior high years. I did not save enough money to go to his concert. One ticket asked for NT$ 4000 (about US$135), but I did not even have regular allowances.
A couple years later in 1996, he came again. I had went to senior high and started getting some hundreds per week from Mama. I did not tell Mama until several days before the concert. She was mad at me spending that much money on entertainment. I was like: this is my money, and it is not just some entertainment. It is Michael Jackson!
(Years later, I spent more on Michael Jordan because it was Michael Jordan!)

I was surprised to see her when waiting in line with my classmate (whose name I cannot recall and whose face I could hardly recall either) to get into the stadium for the concert.
Mama said she liked him too. She deserved to spending money. Yes, I smiled to the fact that she finally could not help but spending what she earned on what she deserved.

Looking at her ticket, oh my, she was sitting in the same area as me!
The night became a great night with Mama. Both of us screamed until our throats could not produce any sound. I sang with MJ, and Mama asked how come I knew the lyrics. I said I had listened to his History album everyday for months. My classmate somehow faded. I don't remember whether she enjoyed the concert or enjoyed her night with me. But I definitely enjoyed the night with Mama and her excited spirit. I loved Michael Jackson!

He died today.

history of sickness

Was I amazingly healthy before 2004? If not, why did I trash all medical bills before 2004? No, I don't trash this kind of things easily. I must have been quite healthy.
I even went home in 2003 during the SARS crisis. There were more stewardesses than passengers on the flight. Everyone was wearing a mask. I was fine shopping in stores with all attention to myself only. I was fine after multiple temperature checks at entrances of anything. I must have been quite healthy before 2004.

I pushed all medical bills to the floor and thought I did not need them anymore: they are useless now.
Within a minute, I regretted and sat down on the floor, starting organizing them by dates of medical services.
This stack of bills represents part of my history, my American life. Their importance is equivalent to photographs'. Photographs usually record happy times. Medical bills remind me of unpleasant physical conditions. Although unpleasant, they are not terrible. They are not like my teenage diaries which I have destroyed.

My skin went bad starting from the cold dry winter of 2003 and became worse during that horribly busy and stressful semester of spring 2004.
I went to see three doctors, and each of them prescribed me different anti-histamines. They asked me to apply lotion and cream as often as possible on my skin. They told me that my condition would not be cured.
I was desperate. My skin went not only dry but broken and bleeding. Nothing improved. I could not apply lotion on wounds.
In spring 2004, I took 4 courses (one more credit than I was allowed to take per semester) and finished up for my masters. When Mama came to see me for my masters ceremony in May, I had to cover my face and legs with thick cosmetics.
She was heart broken seeing me like that. She asked for Chinese medicine's help and mailed me herb-extract creams from Taiwan. Magically, symptoms on my face, hands, and legs disappeared in a week.
Since then, I was converted into a Chinese medicine believer.

In October 2005, one of my wisdom teeth was pulled out. That was one unbelievably insane experience (written in Chinese, however).
In a highly developed country such as Taiwan, one does not need to be put to sleep in order to have teeth, or wisdom teeth to be more specific, removed. The patient will not feel a thing during the procedure. The patient will be able to return to normal life within an hour after the procedure.
I do not understand why I had to be anesthetized entirely for removal of one tooth. I could not function for not just one day but felt light-headed for the whole week.
Worse, the other wisdom teeth bugged me in November before Thanksgiving. That's right. I had them removed by the same surgeon through the same anesthetization s**t before the holiday when people were happily eating. Thankfully on the black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving), Alex accompanied me to King of Prussia, the Pennsylvanian town where the biggest outlet on the East Coat is.

Since then, I received many dental bills because I identified a dentist to take care of me. The dentist was from Poland. She had a very strong accent. She liked to talked to me while I was unable to reply with my mouth wide open. She liked to asked me questions requiring answers that could not be accomplished by nodding or shaking my head.
She was very detail-oriented. She would spend two hours in tooth washing or until I could not feel my jaw.
She provided me cherry-flavored anti-bacteria-related jell on my gum. She gave me samples of mouth wash, toothbrush, and toothpaste.
She reminded me of dentist visits every month by mailing me a card. She would say "You have $1000 to spend each year covered by your insurance. Do not waste it." But I really preferred not to visit her more than once a year.

I have stopped seeing a dentist since I moved to New Jersey. My postdoc insurance did not cover dentistry.
Which reminds me that I should find a dentist soon because now my new insurance covers it.
Yeah... America is weird in its health insurance systems.

In spring 2007, I discovered that my immune system hates pollen. I sneezed in non-stop for two days during the move to New Jersey and flew back to Taiwan for a month. When I was back to the States, it was summer without allergy attack.
The allergy attack came back on time in spring 2008. I named it GBM.
This year the seasonal allergy was bad too, but I did my best to survive from it without taking medication. Well... in fact I was too lazy to get drug, and I was thinking "I am going to Florida and Taiwan in May. It is summer there." However, in some nights, I failed to fall asleep because my sinuses were congested. I prayed for rain.

Superstar made me to have a mask on during the plane ride to Taiwan. Although I refused to wear a mask in New Jersey on the request of Mama, I obeyed Superstar and wore an N95 mask for 17 hours of flying, not comfortable at all. In Taiwan, up to May, all cases of the H1N1 virus carriers were travelers coming from New York, especially Queens. We were flying from JFK. Superstar cared so I had to care because I care about what he cares.
I did not get the flu but got a diarrhea for a week. This had happened once several years ago. My digestion system seems to prefer America even though my skin loves Taiwan.

To take care of myself, I apply skin lotion and cream as often as possible. I also do pap smears and check vision every year. I also talk to Kim if I am not feeling well. How convenient to have a physician friend so close by.
Actually I have several physician friends in Taiwan. Oh those days back in college finally are paying off. I could email friends to find Taiwanese doctors for Mama and grand parents. Even my boss knows a Taiwanese psychiatrist (her previous trainee) who has recommended neurologists for Mama.
Now I am a believer in Chinese medicine, meaning I will need friends in this field to guide me. Luckily, friendships since college years last. Little North is becoming a practitioner in Chinese medicine. Ching is studying acupressure. I am covered.

Exact descriptions are not needed to reserve my historical events. Just medical conditions or photographs are enough to cue past episodes. Blog entries help too.
Take care, you all.
Take care.

離家背井的親近

他回到家了，我弟弟，經過了五個月的波折，從聖彼得堡回台北了。
他在那裡好壞參半，認識不同國家的好人和壞人，增進了些俄文，說不定英文也有小小的進步。再三個月就可以結束的課程，他選擇提前回家，理由我可以了解，去年我也差一點崩盤，那差點崩盤的原因也類似。什麼室友不好啦，什麼課業工作不順啦，什麼愛情不再啦，如果都是單獨爆出來的偶發事件，心情還不會低落到無望的深壓海底：耳膜脹破了，連自己都聽不到自己吶喊的聲音。
但是如果這些事情一個接一個的來，又要自己獨自面對，最後來個被搶被扒的倒楣事，一個完全沒有主控權的倒楣事，最基本的信心都失去了，真的就是要放棄了。

我那時真的是一個人，又不是在校園裡，沒有留學生可以依靠國際團體，可以即時接濟我的人也才認識半年。好在六七年下來，我的英文算是流利，勉強行屍走肉的過了一兩個月，剛好遇到換簽證的機會回台北修復心臟，低潮兩三個月也總算好轉，只是一切都不再如前，像是莫名奇妙的又狠狠心碎了一回。
我弟呢？去唸語言學校就代表他的俄文程度還不到像我這樣自如的使用英文，台灣派過去的辦事人員又不理睬他或是麻嗎的交代，擺明著只收錢不做事的心態，大概想這些小鬼就是來遊學幾個月而已，來來去去的快，今天不理明天不理後天人就回台灣了，人回去了她也省了麻煩。俄國室友吸毒喝酒，後來韓國室友酒後打女人，好不容易搬離開宿舍過了幾個月安穩的日子，房子漏水於是被法院查封，二房東和房東責任推來推去，他沒了去處，以為就要下定決心怎麼也要留下的時候，皮夾在他眼前被扒走了。
我沒被搶之前，所有的東西都放在同一個皮夾了，證件、提款卡、信用卡、連鎖店的打折卡、地鐵車票、現金、名片、甚至是支票本。我弟那天的皮夾也是這樣，如果護照可以放得進去，我的護照也會被搶走，他的護照也會不保。
他說他想要回台北，我完全理解。

這個經驗是好是壞呢，長遠來說是好的。當然要先痛完之後，回頭看才知道是好的。
回想我的第一年，破破的英文，又不是認知心理科班出身，住在小小的房間裡不理會室友，獨來獨往，牽掛著遠遠的愛情，遙想著遠遠的目標，像是虔誠的教徒一樣，不計代價而且盲目的相信著那些遠遠的抽象概念是存在的。
後來遇到莫名奇妙的男人女人，發現台灣來的人比美國人還難以相處，原來歐洲人跟我個性最合，果然講同樣的語言不代表心意可以相通。
這些年來我自己去買車，處理車禍的事情，再去買車；自己搬家，自己賣家具，自己州際搬家，自己買家具。過程當然有朋友相助，不過每當我跟美國人提起，他們總是覺得我過份獨立，好像家人不在同一塊土地上，我就被歸類成「隻身一人」。
課業上呢，沒唸過博士的人就像是沒有心碎過的人一樣，沒有經歷過就是不會了解。
我想我是幸運的，我可以自己處理這麼多事情。是執著還是固執？是有毅力還是死腦筋？沒有人評斷我，麻嗎給我無限的空間和無盡的支持。

如果我是我弟，我想我也會回家。在一個語言不通的國度被騙被欺負，又看不到目標在哪裡。
但是我會再去。因為我就是會說服自己去設目標，我就是會死腦筋的想在同一個地方站起來，所以車禍之後我還是買了同樣的金龜車，所以被駁回的稿子我可以一寫再寫直到發表為止，所以我不輕易把分手作為吵架的結論，所以我是我，我不是我弟。

我跟他非常不相像，我出國之後，距離減少了我跟他之間的摩擦，也減少了互相無意給予的包袱，不過卻也增加了互相把對方當作成年人的尊敬。
「我是我，他是他」不代表我跟他劃清界線，也不代表誰比誰優秀，我們是平起平坐的，姊弟之間的無解當然還是存在的。
「我是我，他是他」是一種認同他可以是他，我可以是我，他不要把我當成遙不可及的姊姊，我也不會把他當成長不大的弟弟。

最近重看了戀戀情深 What's Eating Gilbert Grape，這麼多年後 (1993 至今)依然是我最喜歡的電影之一，家家難唸的經都是來自於你最親的人，你就是無法離棄。
國小的時候，我寫過作文題目「我弟弟」，到現在我還在寫他呢，只是現在他長大了，我也長大了。