十二歲

紐約的公共廣播電台最近有一個新的系列節目叫做 ”being 12", 記者訪問在紐約地區十二歲的孩子們, 他們在做什麼想什麼用什麼.

所以我最近上下班的時候, 聽著電台就在想那個時候的我. 1992 年初到年底...... 

那時我剛愛上劉德華. 我會去電影院看所有他主演的電影, 那時候的他甚至到現在都是電影主角... 歲月饒過了他. 歲月饒過認真保養的人.

我也會背他當時所有的歌曲, 包括國語和粵語. 

他是我當時白日夢的寄託, 因為我的真實生活並不是很順遂. 我開始踏入升學的壓力, 忽然發現我的身世背景跟全班同學最不門當戶對, 發現友情是一件奇妙的事情, 對愛情很懵懂, 對親情很複雜...

那一年, 跟我走最近的一個同學轉學. 不過, 友情長在, 到現在還跟她有聯絡.
我有時候會想為什麼一直跟她保持聯絡, 尤其是我跟她的生活圈一直很少有交集, 或許就是因為我跟她的生活圈一直很少有交集. 她跟我說的事情我沒地方去八卦, 我跟她說事情在她的人際關係裡沒人在乎. 我們有類似的價值道德觀, 我們不會批判對方行為的對錯, 我們都是很好的傾聽者.
不過我沒跟她說過她曾是我的 girl crush, 我剛認識她沒多久就開始嚮往她的人生, 她擁有好多我沒有卻好想要有的東西. 她很有女人味很有異性緣, 她有一對相愛相扶持的父母, 她去過好多國家, 她有好多電影票和演唱會門票. 我跟到的那些公關票, 我學她的穿著打扮, 我當她出去約會的電燈泡. 十二歲的我, 還沒找到自己.

那一年, 應該是那一年, 第一次有個男生說要親我.

我們那一屆好像是第一屆還是第二屆男女合班, 十二歲的我們情竇初開, 開始有地下班對, 開始有誰跟誰出去約會, 誰跟誰牽手, 誰坐在誰大腿上, 誰寫情書給誰, 誰是誰的第三者. 那時候真的是... 天真無邪到用星座血型來評斷誰跟誰配對. 

那個男生沒有親到我, 不過他有牽到我的手. 我當時還在暗戀另一個人, 從我十一歲的時候就暗戀的對象. 那個時候, 一年像是一輩子一樣長.

應該也就是那一年, 我跑到文具店去找離婚證書. 沒得買呢! 所以我爸就自己手寫一份. 十幾年之後, 我出國留學之後某一年回到那文具店, 發現他們賣離婚證書了.

我從七八歲的時候就知道我父母的婚姻很有問題, 直到十二歲那年終於受不了他們老是用 "為了小孩" 當藉口而繼續折磨對方, 於是我要他們離婚. 這些對話是怎麼發生的, 我不太記得了, 我只記得從此以後我跟麻嗎變成比母女更親近的關係.
我記得我跟我暗戀的對象說我父母離婚的事情, 他盡然好像心有戚戚焉地想要安慰我, 說他父母也在鬧離婚, 他了解我的心情. 那時我才知道我的心情沒有不好, 我覺得離婚對大家都好. 我才知道他一點都不了解我. 暗戀是一件很難熬的事情啊...  

那一年, 還發生一件很重要的事情, 我答應麻嗎我十點鐘才上床睡覺. 之前我都是九點鐘關燈就寢, 現在我可以九點去洗澡, 九點半看港劇, 十點睡覺. 我對流行的東西很晚熟, 完全錯過小虎隊直接跳到四大天王; 完全錯過日劇, 直接看港劇. 

我並不一定一上床躺好就睡著. 在睡著前那段幾十分鐘裡是我最自由自在的時間, 我會幻想我是一個電影明星或是一個全世界矚目的人, 然後我的家人同學們老師們是怎麼樣的對我另眼相看, 然後我假裝我的英文很好, 然後我跟我自己演一齣只有自己知道的戲碼. 我從十二歲的時候就什麼事情都往心裡藏, 因為我那時就覺得自己跟大多數的人格格不入.

十二歲的人都覺得自己很不一樣吧, 這是一個很奇妙的年紀, 就好像這廣播節目的副標題：The Year Everything Changes. 節目裡被訪問的好多孩子們也正開始崇拜偶像, 跟風流行音樂, 分界誰跟誰一卦, 初嚐青澀的愛, 所以我的十二歲跟現在的十二歲沒有太大的不同. 

到了現在, 我覺得我先老了才變年輕的, 我先悲觀過好久, 見識過好多, 才變成豁達的我. 

活胡同

我的人生有幾段似乎相連好像又可以無關的篇章. 有一兩個篇章, 常常在夢裡出現. 應該說, 篇章裡的人在夢裡出現.
是我在想念他們嗎？還是, 我在想念那些時光？

我最熟悉的台灣流行歌曲大多是 1992 - 2001 十年間出版的. 如今偶爾聽到, 記起來不只是旋律歌詞, 還有當時的人, 發生的事, 甚至說過的話.
然後到了美國之後, 幾首英文歌曲似乎是強化某些篇章. 偶爾聽到也是莫名其妙得被推進當留學生的回憶裡.

記憶不是事實, 每回想一次, 事實被曲解得越多, 回憶就越變成你想要的事實.
這是個活的胡同, 越鑽越推就, 回憶就越美化或是越醜化.
即使我都理性的知道大腦就是這樣運作的, 但是我還是會想去解釋去拼湊偶爾想起的片段, 然後問自已我是不是還念著誰？他們念著我嗎？他們回憶裡的那些片段跟我的一樣嗎？
我好想要知道他們是不是也念著我！我要不要 FB 他們？想辦法知道他們現在在做什麼, 想辦法知道他們變成什麼樣子了. 要這樣做嗎？其實, 我真的念著他們嗎？不過就是一首歌一個夢, 我不念著誰, 我只是還記得. 記得跟想念是有差異的.
應該就是這樣吧？對嗎？想太多只是自尋煩惱.

然後我又繼續過我的日子, 直到下一次我又夢到什麼我又聽到哪一首歌.
十幾年之後我會怎樣想起現在？我到時候會念著現在的誰？不, 是記得.

健康自己保

來美國滿十二年了, 住過三個州, 搬過六次家, 每搬一次家就重新復習我的個人美國史.
看病記錄是最寫實的, 翻閱這十幾年來的病史, 我小小的安慰自己有在照顧自己.

今年我第一次去找一個家庭醫師做徹底的生理檢查 (physcial exam), 也就是台灣說的體檢.
而且從此之後, 我有醫生了. 在美國, 如果你去看專科醫生, 你都會被問 "Who is your primary physician?“  這是在台灣生活沒有的經驗, 在美國每個人都要有自己的醫生. 現在我有囉. 既然我三十多歲才有自己的醫生, 我必須要他認識我, 所以我帶著我所有的病史去看他.
把自豪的資料整理能力, 用在病史上就用器官症狀分類, 按照時間順序排好. 在台灣做過的手術就寫在 google drive 裡, 醫生的每一個問題我都有完整的答案.

今天我本來要去做一項追蹤檢查的 procedure (中文怎麼說?), 因為是侵略性的, 所以我給自己心理建設了一下... 但是還是不是很開心. 我帶著我的相關病史, 想說可以給專科醫生一個依據在哪裡下針. 結果好在我整理的多年病史說服了醫生, 我四年前做過了一樣的 procedure, 現在不用在同一個部位再做一次. 即使做了, 結果不大可能有變化. 我鬆了一口氣, 除了省了一筆錢, 我省了擔心. 我的痛覺太敏銳...  

我在兩個月之內去看完所有該做的檢查: 體檢, 皮膚科, 眼科, 牙科, 婦科, 還有所有相關的追蹤檢查. 應該是把我今年可以用的醫療資源都用完了...
 
知道自己健不健康是很踏實的事情, 像是在收集自我肯定的數據, 也是在客觀地認識自己的身體. 要好好活在當下的前提是要健康的活在當下 :)  共勉之

good bye, hoboken

I locked myself out tonight when doing laundry. This was the first time ever since Oct 2011 when I moved in to this apartment. I have two locks on my door. The top one is a deadbolt lock and the bottom is a knob. They share the same key. Normally, I kept the knob unlocked so when I left the apartment with the door came closing itself up, the door was kept unlocked until I manually locked the deadbolt.
Okay now, for more than two years, every time I went downstairs for laundry, I always carried the laundry basket and allowed the door to close behind me without carrying my keys. Tonight I did the same as usual. However, at the moment when the door closed, I was like .... shit!

Earlier today a guy called me, telling me that he came to my apartment to fix the heater. He got the key from the landlord.
Last week after I told the landlord that I was moving soon, the landlord came for inspection and took a set of my keys. When he took the keys, he tried on the locks and asked me why the knob was kept unlocked. I said "for my convenience." Right there, he told me he preferred both locks were locked when no one was in the apartment.

Alright fast-forward to this evening when I came home, I found both locks were locked. I used the same key to unlock both and opened the door.  Only until the door closed behind me later tonight, did I realize that the knob may have been in the position of "automatic lock itself when the door closes itself." But the realization came totally too late!!!  I locked myself out of my apartment.

How ironic! One week before I moved out I was locked out of the apartment.  The first night when Superstar and I moved in (yes, more than two years ago), Superstar went out for taking dinner while I was unpacking. When he came back, he found out that he was locked out while I was locked in because the deadbolt was damaged.  Unfortunately, the bolt was broken in pieces, being stuck inside the door frame. At that time, the knob was totally broken and dysfunctional. Superstar could not turn the key to move the bolt and thus unable to open the door, and I could not turn the switch from inside the apartment to open the door either. That was a Friday or Saturday night when no locksmith was working. Superstar worked magic and dismantled the lock, leaving a hole on the door. I gave him a hair pin and sticking tape, shedding some light through the hole with a flashlight. He did remove the bolt from the door frame. Oh my. I thought that was too exciting for the first night of moving in with my boyfriend. The next day, the landlord came and installed the current deadbolt and knob locks on my door.

Now I was locked out because of the stupid knob lock. With 10 degrees outside and with my indoor outfit, I went to the backyard, which was covered with deep snow, and I tried to reach high for the fire escape ladder. I was hoping to pull it down so that I could climb into my apartment. With my socks and no gloves, I stood on a wobbly chair with my wobbly legs and tried to reach as high as possible. I was a failure.
So I went upstairs, knocking doors of my neighbors, but no one was home. Who would be home on a Friday night? Then I went back to the backyard with a broom stick in the hope of reaching the hooks of the ladder.  No use.  But this time I noticed that my first-floor neighbor, a hair salon, was lighted. I locked her door. She was there! She helped me with a stool and a long swiping stick.  At this moment I remembered that my rain boots were outside my door. I did not have to stand in snow with just socks. So I put on my boots, and the salon owner held the stool for me so that I could stand up straight and high with a great confidence. But when I looked up to the ladder, I wondered if it would fall down on me when I pulled. What if I could not handle the weight of the iron fire-escape ladder!? I was making myself insane.
Anyway I pulled and pulled. The ladder was fixed still there and not coming down! I was so frustrated. "Let's call the landlord," I said. I knew the salon owner had the landlord's number.
She made the call for me. The landlord said the technician who had inspected the heater earlier today was still in Hoboken. He could come over in 3 minutes. Oh thank you, whatever up there!
This whole drama lasted for about 45 minutes. I knew it because that was the time for my laundry to be done in the washing machine.

Oh I love the hair salon owner. She is a nice lady with a sincerely friendly manner and good taste in flower arrangement at her windows and our front yard. I will thank her once more before my move next weekend. Yes, I am moving out of Hoboken.

I came to Hoboken in the summer 2009, two months after I got the real job. I picked Hoboken because it was close to Manhattan, one PATH station away. In addition, PATH runs 24 hours. I picked an apartment on the first street because it was very close to PATH. However, the first couple nights proved how bad my decision was. My apartment was on top of a popular Irish pub with dancing music. My landlady owned both the pub and the apartment. For some lazy reason, I stayed there for two years before moving to the sixth street with Superstar. I have been a resident of Hoboken for more than 4 years now.

Last summer Superstar moved away for his PhD education. Since then I felt uneasy and wanted something for myself. I was almost angry at myself for not being able to change the current situation. When Superstar and Mama kept telling me to save money for the future, I wanted something for the present and not something forcing me to live for the future. I had a breakdown in front of Superstar's relatives: I yelled in front of them in a nice restaurant that I wanted to live for now, not for the future! Right there I knew I needed an immediate intervention by myself. I was driving myself crazy. No one could help me. As usual, I figured that I am the most important supporter for myself. Of course, this time Superstar provided his support, which I truly appreciated. I didn't tell Mama until I signed the lease.

I have wanted to live in Manhattan since 2001, when I started watching Sex and the City. Now I reached the age of the characters in Season 3. And I knew I am capable of financially supporting myself in Manhattan. I wanted to move in to the city now!
The motivation was strong and was ready to be realized. However, the final kick came from a series of events happening at the end of 2013 and the beginning of 2014, all irrelevant to my life, but lives of people very close to my heart. A good friend failed yet again in conceiving a child. Another good friend's husband suddenly walked out on her around the time before their first anniversary. A coworker suddenly lost her husband in her arm in their home on my birthday.
And I was like... life is right now. I want to move to Manhattan now even if I am spending all my monthly income without saving as much as I was expected to. Superstar and Mama's expectation can be suffocating sometimes only because I do care about their opinions on how I run my life.

The weekend Superstar and I came back from Taiwan in early January, I looked for an apartment and found one both he and I like very much. I signed the lease two weeks ago. We are going to have a new home.
So, good-bye, dear Hoboken. 99% of the picture I took in Hoboken was at the riverside, looking over to Manhattan. Soon I am going to be in Manhattan, possibly looking over to Hoboken if I have a chance. I will miss the Art, Music, and Italian Festivals, the friendly city hall workers, the fireworks, the local restaurants, and the view at the river.

不知足

十幾歲的時候, 我夢想長大之後要當教授.
後來知道教授的工作內容不太人性化, 而且教授缺難等, 我更改了夢想, 覺得全職研究人員也是不錯的, 只要專心作研究, 不用教書不用帶學生不用管行政.
後來真的變成全職研究人員, 外加教授的職稱, 才知道我要教書要帶學生要管行政, 雖然工作環境不在一般研究大學裡, 教學的對象大多是已經有大學以上或是碩士以上學歷, 但是我的工作內容跟我的夢想的確是有一大段落差. 有的時候都不知道我在忙什麼, 為什麼而忙碌. 行政工作和研究工作的分界原來是很模糊的, 偶爾還要兼公關.

好幾次, 我想重新再來過, 改做其他事情. 做什麼呢?  我又在發夢了...
慈善非營利機構做人道工作?  我已經在慈善非營利機構了！
我發表的論文也從純認知心理學跨到半醫學社會人文類, 似乎可算是我對人道工作的間接貢獻.

我好想要到處旅行, 那就發夢換個需要旅行的工作.
因為學術研討會和學術訪問, 我其實還滿常飛來飛去的... 而且我常依照開會地點來決定要不要參加會議... 
下個月, 整個月, 我要去德國 Tuebingen 參與一位教授的研究團隊. 除了我喜歡這位教授的研究內容和方法,我選擇這個小鎮是因為我的多年好友 Zabeth 住在那裡.

所以說, 其實多多少少我已經落實夢想. 誰每天都稱心如意呢? 如果一個工作天裡有 50% 是純粹的開心, 就真的令人滿足. 這包括八小時的好眠, 和四小時的工作成就感 (e.g., 寫完兩頁的 Discussion).
我要學會知足, 可是每次達成目標後, 我都會有點失落, 我就是要找事情做.
人生就是不停的發夢, 不停的追夢.

下一個夢, 我想要住在我愛的人身邊. 紐約或是台北. 然後我可以繼續做入世的研究, 繼續邊旅行邊工作.

 

proposal

I have no dream for my wedding. I am not saying that I don't like weddings. I almost always shedded tears in weddings especially during the vow exchange. I just never imagined my own wedding because I don't feel it's necessary for my life or for my marriage if it ever happens.
Getting married is to legalize the social unit in which two people (in the context of the main-stream cultural style) staying together as lovers, financial supporters, live-in companions, and even soul mates. But why is it necessary for the government or a religious organization recognizes my personal choice of life partner?  Why do I need a license for it?  I have had doubt about the involvement of such legal process -- and social expectation -- for as long as I can remember.  Do not blame all the failed marriages for my doubt.  I always have doubts in situations where I feel being forced to comply.

I also do not fancy any kind of traditional or conventional weddings. I think spending loads of money and time in taking wedding pictures before the wedding itself is absurd. That's right. Taiwanese people have been doing so as a regular wedding preparation for decades.  Now this fashion is adopted by other Asian countries.  People usually do not look like themselves in those pictures because they are dressed in outfits that do not belong to them, in makeup and lighting that change the natural features, and in digital editing that transforms them into someone else.  I think wedding-picture taking is only necessary during the actual wedding. I have no objection to hiring professional photographers to catch smiles and other moments during the wedding and reception. 
Any other kinds of conventional things I don't like?  Having the ceremony in any religious setting or building is just not consistent with what I believe.  This extends to the dress. White or red?  Veil or not?  The point is I don't care much about the wedding itself.  A great beautiful glamorous wedding does not guarantee a long-lasting joyful marriage.

However, I have had dreams of proposals since early teens.  Unlike the wedding including people who you don't really know, the proposal is exclusively limited to the two individuals.  Let's not talk about those traditional situations where the guy has to propose to the father of the gal.
I think the act of a marriage proposal puts so much pressure on both individuals that the preparation, the process, and the result are almost always romantic even if the proposal fails.  Yes, I used the word romantic.  My favorite movie-moment of marriage proposals is the one in Stepmom (see the clip below).  I was not 20 yet when seeing that scene. I wished mine would happen in the similar way.




More recently, I found the proposal does not need to be intimate.  A group effort can be very moving too.  Here is the clip making me cry. The guy Isaac really did a great job.

 

And just about a week ago, I saw another proposal following Isaac's approach. I cried again. So hopeless.
 

Although people on some parts of the earth are suffering, this world is still so beautiful with love and lovers who can make their own decisions for their own lives. 
As to my proposal? It happened in the morning after days of not-so-pleasant discussion about the way how I should connect with his family. I woke him up by saying 我們結婚吧 (let's get married).  He agreed.

Yeah... a marriage is not for the two individuals but for the two families. This is especially true when your partner gives his/her family a hugely irreplaceable role in his/her life. I finally made up my mind to have not just him but also his family involved in my life.

中文技能

兩三年前, 系主任透過他的秘書找到我, 只因為我會聽說讀寫中文, 要我幫他翻譯幾張投影片, 讓他去中國演講的時候可以愛現一下. 專業用語的翻譯其實是很困難的, 而且我的確是不太知道要怎麼用中文表達我的專業, 更別說是系主任先生的專業了. 不過, 花了十幾分鐘, 上網確定一下一些專有名詞, 我還是幫他了, 只是我 “忘記“ 跟他說中國人不看正體字.

這人情變成滾不完的人情, 從中國來訪問的學者醫生都是衝著他的大名來的, 他都會推我出來, 要大家跟我認識認識, 其實就變成了照顧照顧. 你說從來沒接受英文教育的人, 憑他們的英文怎麼能在這裡生存, 怎麼跟美國人打哈哈, 怎麼知道什麼話是客套, 什麼話有雙關, 什麼字眼是“我其實不知道你在說什麼", 什麼表情是 "我真的不想聽你說話". 有些人的英文程度甚至沒辦法做專業上的交談. 我變成免錢的翻譯加導覽人員.


當然, 這也是雙向的. 中國人的英文很中文. 很短的句子, 很中文的文法, 很愛說 ok, 很容易中文直翻英文, 讓美國人完全不了解他們到底想要表達什麼. 通常我會讓中國人試著說一下以示尊重, 但是真的聽不下去, 或是我同事我老闆微笑的轉過來看著我的時候, 我就只好翻譯或是換句話說了. 但是雞同鴨講的時候還是很常見, 若是大家都假裝有聽懂, 沒跟我求救, 我通常就微笑當傻子.

醫院院長居然也聽說我很好用, 才送走第某某解放軍醫院又有哪省哪市有人要來, 要我翻譯一些歡迎的字句.  職務上, 我不是醫院的人, 但是以後需要他們繼續給我病人讓我的研究繼續, 我當然馬上幫忙, 強化個人公關.（那些來訪的人怎麼都沒抗議為什麼沒有簡體字?）最近這一年來, 中國超愛派人出來參訪, 我幾乎都要陪在旁邊, 中英轉換功力跟著變強許多.

總之, 說中文這項"技能"變成我的專長之一, 開始有人關心我是哪裡來的, 客套的問問台灣跟中國的差別. 這真的是滿神奇的感覺...
剛來美國的時候, 好怕永遠學不會英文口語, 好怕語言障礙阻饒我, 我不是不聰明只是不會表達, 我不是不喜歡 party 交新朋友只是不會用英文說垃圾話. 記得剛來的第二年, 我的指導教授 Toby 有一次開完笑的跟我說 "You Asians are uptight." 我只是笑笑, 因為當時我的英文反應還是很龜速, 沒辦法立刻跟他嗆回去. (Toby 是可以嗆回去的. I should have said "you don't know me.") 開玩笑嘛? 你去問問誰覺得我很拘謹保守.
英文很爛的時候, 沒人想要理我的, 沒人問我台灣在哪裡. 只好跟其他非華人的國際學生混了, 大家的英文都很抱歉. 於是我斷絕了中文的世界, 看電視看八卦雜誌看小說練習英文, 還有交了個英文比我好多的男朋友, 每天被批評英文有問題. 然後英文吵架的功力大大提升.
有一陣子連中文的閱讀速度都變慢了. 然後中文表達變得像是英文的句法. 然後我失去了書寫的能力. 不是手寫字的能力, 是作文能力.
自從班比加入我的生活之後, 我相信我現在應該有回復到國小畢業的作文程度, 不過離我十年前大學畢業的程度還差遠了. 數學也變爛了, 還好沒有美國人那麼糟.

我算是搭了個便車, 在中英文能力都成熟的時機, 享受了中國強勢下的優勢, 而且還可以數落中國, 吹吹台灣的民主先進. 
不僅來訪的人多了, 我們研究中心新進人員裡多了兩三個中國人. 新來的人都會到處繞繞認識同事, 繞到我辦公室來的時候, 我絕對只說英文. 不能因為母語相同就在工作場合搞小團體, 你既然能來這裡工作代表你會說英文, 我不會對你特別親切的. 會說西班牙文的同事們也沒有搞小團體的. 你們要利用中文去攀其他關係, 例如下次哪個中國什麼教授什麼什麼院長要來（他們的名片拿出來都好多頭銜）, 你們要自告奮勇去當翻譯的阿. 

非雜文的期許 a bilingual plan

我最近在思考要怎麼救回我的中文寫作, 又不會犧牲我依然不是很理想的英文表達能力.

Recently I am wondering how to rescue my degrading Chinese writing skill but not to impede the progress of my never-perfect English skill.

交替著寫中英文可能不是最好的練習方式, 那只是會變成有點突兀或是不三不四的雜文.

Alternating Chinese and English may not be the best practice, and it may read awkward.

所以來試試看用中英文表達同一件事情.

Therefore, I am trying to express the same idea or make the same statement with two different languages.

這超難的啦, 因為要避免怪腔怪調的直翻, 就要考慮兩種語言在表達方式上的不同.

This proves super difficult. I have to avoid weird verbatim translation and at the same time have to consider the language-specific structures so that sentences will make sense.

例如中文常常省略主詞, 英文非常介意用字的精準度.

For example, the subject of a sentence is often omitted in Chinese while it would be considered non-standard in English. The precision of wording in English is more important than that in Chinese.

從以上的練習, 又可以看出中文用字比英文精簡.

From the above, one can see that to reflect the same meaning, a Chinese sentence is more succinct than its English counterpart.

當然可能是因為中文是我的母語, 好歹也用了一輩子. 英文及使天天用, 依然不及中文流利.

Of course the reason for shorter Chinese sentences may be due to the fact that Chinese is my native language, which I have used for my whole life time. Meanwhile, although I've used English daily for a decade, my English is still not as good as my Chinese.  

但是我就是無法用中文表達我的專業領域, 非常懊惱.

Despite of the advantage of the Chinese language in me, I am simply unable to express my profession in Chinese. This is frustrating.

所以我要練習中英文互用, 這樣不僅是中英文打字能力可以一起維持住水準, 有一天我也可以用中文跟麻嗎說明我到底在美國做甚麼.

To address this issue, I am going to set a goal: One day I will explain to Mama what I am doing in the States in Chinese. To reach this goal, I will practice writing, i.e., typing, English as well as Chinese. The beneficial side-effect will be that both my English and Chinese typings will stay at a pretty good level.

其實, 她是看得懂英文的. 但是隔行如隔山, 她就是沒辦法理解認知神經心理學家到底是在幹甚麼.

Actually, she can read English. But people in different professions are like people believe in different religions. She simply cannot understand what a neurocognitive psychologist does.

我個人認為"認知神經心理學" 需要重新命名. 這樣的直翻就好像三流的電影翻譯一樣, 詞不達意, 徒增不必要的神祕和困擾.

I personally think "neurocognitive psychology" should be renamed or re-branded in the Chinese-speaking science community. The literally direct translation does not convey the meaning, like poorly translated foreign movies that induce unneccessary mistery and confusion.

應該叫做"腦與行為學".

I would propose the new label "the Study of Brain and Behavior."

雖然依然很難懂, 但是就沒有"認知" 或是"心理學" 這些字眼來攪局.

Although the proposed new label may still be confusing, there is no "cognitive" or "psychology" that invites wrong interpretation.

那我要怎麼說明 "空間忽略症" 呢?  我再想想...  今天的中文練習就先這樣.

And how should I explain the disorder of spatial neglect? Let me think about it. I'm done with today's Chinese practice. 

post-Sandy Halloween 2012

Two days after Hurricane Sandy hit, the curfew of my town was finally lifted. I took my car out and drove it away. Not so far away. I tried to get to work. There was not much traffic on the road because 99% of traffic lights were not working. However, the pathways connected to my work were blocked because of falling trees. Two hours later, I gave it up and found downtown South Orange unaffected by the storm. Oh this is the town housed my worst year of life.
Superstar and I stopped there for food and made a plan: find a place with power and internet and work from there. We decided to go to a place 40 miles away.

Superstar and I went to Flushing, Queens. (Every time when I use this expression "Flushing, Queens", it feels like Flushing were a town and Queens were a state. It's like saying "在台北的天母", no no, actually it feels more like "在大安區的東區" because Queens is "just" a borough of NYC)
Anyway, we went to Flushing surprisingly easily without any traffic jam. However, it was FULL OF PEOPLE AND CARS, taking me almost an hour to find a parking space. Chinese-speaking people there were happily doing their business more than usual. Halloween-dressed children were everywhere doing trick-o-treat. Lines of lines of people were waiting for buses (because the subway was and is totally shut down). Later, we met up with friends and went to Forrest Hill (still in Queens).

The current circle of friends is formed by people from Taiwan, living in or around Forrest Hill. I have not had such a big circle (roughly 10 people) of Taiwanese friends for ... hm... 10 years I believe. I am the oldest person in this circle. I know it sounds tacky...  When I came to the States, I was only 22. What a baby, thinking I had all figured out.

Thanks to Sopi, allowing me use her internet. I did work a bit, replying to tens of email messages. Many of the messages were asking if I was alright. I have had a bad diarrhea since the hurricane landed and I still ran to the toilet 3 times already this morning....
Oh no, the hurricane did not make any physical damage to me or my property (i.e., my car "mini wing"). The terrible thing was actually no connection to the rest of the world. My cellphone could not receive any signal even until today. I am a news junky. I love reading and watching news every day. I want to know things. I am on Facebook, Flipboard, and CNN apps. The sudden and prolonged disconnection made me so isolated and bored.
So having friends around or going to friends so that they could be around was quite a treat. We had dinner and after-dinner sweets and chatted and chatted until it's about time for bed (around 10pm.. yeah... I know.... I'm not young anymore).

When the car entered Hoboken, we felt it. It was so dark that my eyes needed a few minutes to adapt, It was the full moon (or very close to full). Shadows under bright moon light simply gave me a chill. As we slowly drove into town, the car headlights showed the spooky Halloween decorations outside the buildings. People were taking causal walks with flash lights. No trick-o-treat. Just treat. It was a peaceful night with sporadic siren alarms vooming in and out. With half of the town evacuated, street parking became so easy.
The full-moon Frankenstorm Hurricane Sandy is gone. But the scary things follow the scared people. Rumors started about the tapping water safety. Riots in all gas stations in New Jersey and New York.
Stop spreading rumors. Stop panicking! Just staying calm will be a great help.
Thank you, Hoboken. Oh, I need to go to the toilet again. 

sorry, elephants

I read Bryan Christy's essay "Ivory Worship" featured in the National Geographic's October 2012 issue.

Christy describes a world where people of different religions help one another to kill elephants for making offerings to Gods. Humans are a species who kill other species for non-basic needs. We kill crocodiles for their skin, roosters for their feathers, and tigers for fur. Humans are very creative about decorating our appearances with other animals' appearances. Ivory is a different kind. It is blessed by our imagination, and elephants are just carriers of ivory. Carriers don't matter. What matters is the profit behind humans' desire of owning a piece of something that represents one's ability to do everything and anything. Yes, simply because we can wear shoes made of crocodile skin, extend hair with rooster feathers, cover a piece of floor with tiger fur, or decorate a God-worshiping house with sophisticatedly carved ivory. Or simply decorate a house. Oh, why not?

Why do people love pandas and hate the idea of killing them for fur or meat? Because they are cute. Why don't people eat dogs? Because they are "humans' best friend." Why don't Muslims eat pork? Why don't Jews eat shellfish? Humans adopt an arbiuary system that determines other animals' fate. Pandas are lucky. Elephants aren't. Humans are their Gods.

The ivory problem is extremely difficult to solve, as Christy nicely summarizes in last quarter of his essay. Any problem involving human greed is not easy to solve. Like the oil problem in Western Africa, the girl-trafficking problem in India, the drug problem in Mexico, or the dophine problem in Japan. Just to name a few. The thing is these problems are global. The market is international. As to ivory, it is not just human greed but also labeled with holy purposes which justify human greed.

Long time ago, I read an article about saving a specific kind of boars in the US. Their number was endangered. The solution was to increase its economical value by promoting its meat. Because the meat had the red-meat texture like beef and had a mouthwatering aroma when grilled, people actually loved having it. As the sales went up, farmers raised more of the boars and saved the species. I read this article in a local magazine, so I can't be sure about the facts and other factors overlooked by the author. However, it may be a solution for many other animals. Historically, humans select who get to live and who get to die. We select fruit, vegetables, and grain. We make modern horses possible. We make dogs. We shall be able to keep elephants alive. If ivory is so valueable, we can't use up its resources. We have to care its carriers. Carriers do matter. One cannot catch the entire ocean of fish in one season and expect to have another good season next year. Big buyers (people in China, Phillipines, and Thailand, as mentioned in Christy's report) have to help Africans save elephants and make ivory trades much more transparent. Banning it is certainly not a solution. People love doing things illegal.

If humans in most parts of the worlds practice routines discriminating half of their population, i.e., women, for milleniums, how can one expect that humans will respect other species anytime soon? We cannot save a species by "respecting" their existence or treating them with "humane" acts. Only too few people lead their lives with educated principles. Too many others earn their livings by taking advantages of anyone. Take the advantage of human greed. Set regulative rules that benefit the elephant hunters, the buyers, the traders, as well as the elephants. Then we may see less crual killings and stablizing the number of the elephant population.

Sorry, elephants.
    

happy mama's day

Today the HR informed me that I needed to pay $3,000 out of my pocket for the second phase of the green card application. Of course, I complained silently and will eventually write that check in a few days. Then I went home and watched the movie Shame on DVD. The Brandon character reminded me of someone who I had almost forgotten entirely even though I have to admit that this someone changed my life in a significantly harsh way. Perhaps this not-so-positive vibe since 4pm made me complain about the difficulty of life, which is a usual excuse for me not trying to find a better justification.

Then I thought of my mother, who plays the most important role at every stage of my life. The thought of her made me feel guilty about my negative thinking of my own life. How could I complain about life? The only person that I need to take care of physically, mentally, cognitively, and finacially is myself. At my age, she had to take care of me and my brother while paying mortgage and living with the trauma caused by the fact that my father declaired his love of another woman. My mom also cooked every evening and kissed me good night every night until I went to college.

When I was learning how to ride a scooter, one thing that encouraged me was that my mother does not know how to ride a bicycle but I do. I believed that I could do better than she. When I was stressed out with only $20 in my bank account, I thought of her and believed that I could survive for a few days until my paycheck came. When I was robbed, I called her and she calmed me down. When I was heart-broken, hit by bs at work, informed with annoying news at doctors' offices, or lonely and sick...,  I did not tell her but think of her. Nothing in life will end the world because she will be there for me if I do ask for help.

Today is her birthday. I should say yesterday Taiwan time was her birthday. Learning her life, I know life is difficult. Learning her life, I know I need to be and am living my own life instead of a life that follows anyone's expectation. Learning her life, I know I need to be tougher than she was so that I will not re-live the tragedies that she went through. But she also experienced lots of joyful moments with her children in a way only single-parent families can understand and cherish.

Let's celebrate mama's new age! Thank her for her unconditional love and liberal education. She is a Goddess as many have suggested :)  I must have done tons of great things last life for being her daughter this life. Or I'm simply lucky. I think I am simply lucky.

來迎接下個十年

最近認識一個小我整整十歲的女孩。十年前的今天，我開始了我的美國生活。
如今回首，有多少巧合造就了今天的我？有多少是我的努力？有多少是努力造成的巧合？有多少巧合成全了努力？
好多的過客，時間去蕪存菁的留住值得我留住的人。

十年前小月跟著我來到美東，現在小月坐在我窗台。小搖頭是後來加入的夥伴。

female name

If J.K. Rowling or E.L. James used their full first names instead of initials, would you have read Harry Potter or Fifty Shades of Grey? Alright, I have not read Fifty Shades of Grey.

The reason is simple. I don't read romantic fictions, and I heard that is a book about a romantic story with many sexual contents. My information may be wrong, but my point is the name of the author, or more specifically, the first name of the author does not determine my interest in a reading.

I heard the rumor that these two authors decided to use their initials instead of full first names because their first names are names for females.

As a woman, I am angry about this rumor. You should be proud of your sex and proud of your name! Who says female authors can't produce best sellers?

As a person, I am sad about this rumor. I indeed live in a society dominated by men or male-oriented values. The Taiwanese media still use wordings belittling female artists or discussing whether they are "able" to give male babies. The American media still highlight "news" of female celebrities' dresses and hairdos, rather than focus on their accomplishments.

As I am angry and sad, a person -- who is supposed to stand firmly on her position as well as defend her name --insists that she is going to use her first and middle initials from now on, and get rid of her full first name. Seriously? This decision does not earn my respect. We are not writing fictions. We are writing scientific theses. If our manuscript is rejected by reviewers, it is not because of your first name! If our paper is not read or cited often, it is not because of your first name!

I acknowledge that most people (men and women) still question whether women are capable to bring more income to a child-raising family than men. However, in the field of scientific research, I do not think most scientists (men and women) question whether females are capable to conduct a better study than males, or whether females are better thinkers than men. When a piece of work is great, it is a great piece of work. Has anyone despise a paper authored by Anne Treisman, Brenda Milner, Nancy Kanwisher, Martha Farah, or Cathleen Moore because of their first names? The name simply is not an issue.

Don't blame on your own name. Hiding it does not make your work more acceptable or accessible. Unless you are writing a fiction.

to become a performer

I saw Ovid Tzeng's picture on Observer! Observer is a magazine published by the Association for Psychological Science.  As a member of the organization, I receive the magazine every month.  It's a casual read for catching up some interesting updated findings in cognitive, social, and educational psychology.  I usually skimmed it during my lunch break and left it on the coffee table in the waiting room.

The texts accompanying Tzeng's picture, in which he was holding his Golden Bell Award with a huge smile, described his contribution to cognitive psychology, neuropsychology, and education in Taiwan.  Tzeng's image stared back at me.  My memory went back to the day when I first met him.  Or I should say when I first saw him.  I did not officially meet and greet him three years after that first impression, which literally changed my life.
Of course the content of his talk made me choose my career.  But what also impressed me was not only his knowledge but his passion about pursuing the knowledge.  Tzeng was so passionate that I had to do what he was doing.

Many successful characters have great passion on the subject where they are so successful.  Having passion is essential but not enough to inspire new generations.  Tzeng was a great speaker.  He delivered his passion to a group of high school students and encouraged at least one of them to pursue science.  It's like Steve Jobs encouraged people to buy iPhones or Al Gore convinced people that human behaviors can change the climate.

Then I was closely coached by Toby Mordkoff.  Even though we are on first-name basis, my respect and gratitude to him is much more than to most of the professors who lectured me.  Playing the role of my academia father, he was not the father figure of my graduate years.  He was too insensitive (some people may used the word "eccentric") to be caring his students like his children.  But I love watching his interaction with his children. That was the first man I met in my life who demonstrated what a father should be like. I wish I had that kind of love and expression of love from my father.

Toby has an incredibly logic mind that processes information more rapidly than anyone else I've known.  I may never be as clever, creative, and critical as him.  I was once upset when I realized that I might not be smart enough to be his student.  Oh, being a doctoral student definitely makes you humble.  Then I gradually came to embrace such realization and accepted who I was and what I may become.
 
One of many thing that Toby taught me was presentation.  He was a genius with few social skills, but his presentation of his thoughts was always easy to follow.  "You are teaching," he said, "the goal is to help the audience learn rather than burden them with the material."  Oh well... that was not exactly what he said (as memory changes every time humans recollect it), but that was the essence I got.

Toby's presentations were enjoyable.  One universal tip was that fewer words are way much better than lengthy descriptions -- people are listening to you, not reading the slides!  But another tip gave me a much more significant impact: Anything appearing on the slide has a purpose; if you are not talking about it, don't put it there.
When I was in the drama club during my college years, one thing was taught and practiced a lot was: Anything appearing on the stage has a purpose; you have to make every single word and movement purposeful.
If I ever become a great lecturer or speaker, Toby will get the credit.

In recent years, the two best talks of all I attended are performed by Kenneth Heilman and Brenda Milner. Both of them are well-established scholars whose work is frequently cited in textbooks.  Ken (as I respectfully call him on his first name) is one of the greatest neurologists.  Milner (who I never talked to in person so I am going to call her by her last name) is one of the most influential experimental psychologists.  However, great researchers are not always great speakers. (I shall not give examples here).

Ken was about 80 years old at his talk. Milner was 94.  Both delivered tremendous amount of passion about their work with very few slides.  The audiences in the separate events were so engaged and felt how lucky we were to be part of the events.

Ken talked about spatial neglect and anosognosia.  He shared his life-time story of conducting research to seek answers.  I remember the story of his encountering patients who could only finish the half of food placed on the right side of the plate.  I remember his explanation of the Greek word "anosognosia" -- the disorder of not knowing.  Perhaps because I study spatial neglect and because people with spatial neglect often have anosognosia, I was already inclined to get engaged in his talk.
Actually it was hard not to get engaged when Ken was talking.  Ken used only one slide bearing information that I cannot remember at all.  He just talked without looking at any note.  He articulated every single difficult concept and elaborated with understandable examples and evidence.  It was an intellectually entertaining and stimulating talk show.  Immediately he reminded me of Toby, who never used powerpoints for lectures.
I want to become a speaker like Ken or Toby.

A month ago, I sat in the audience of Milner's talk.  Her topic was remotely linked to my research interests.  But being a psychologist or neurocognitive scientist, one must know of the case of H.M. (i.e., the now revealed Henry Molaison).  H.M. made Milner's career.  Milner's career has shaped what we know about memory -- the definition of memory, the categorization of memory, the systems of memory, the mechanism of memory, the function of memory, and the entire research field of memory.  The tales of H.M. have been told million of times in books and movies.  However, Milner clarified details that were overlooked by media.  For example, the famous star tracing task was actually a random task that Milner tried out for curiosity.  Also, H.M. surprised Milner at the first meeting: anticipating that H.M. would not learn new facts, she gave him four digits to remember. About half hours later, she asked him the digits, H.M. gave the correct answer and told her the strategy he used to memorize the digits; however, H.M. had no memory that he had met Milner 30 minutes ago. In fact, over almost five decades working in experiments with Milner, H.M. never remembered her.

Among so many things Milner talked about during that hour, one epiphany she shared stuck with me. At the death of H.M. in 2008, Milner felt that she lost a long-time friend. Her sadness was soon overcome by the realization that H.M. never remembered who Milner was. For H.M., Milner was no one. This man had stopped forming long-term declarative memory since he was 27. He had no new friends since 1953.

This is so hard to imagine. It is equally hard to imagine how patients with spatial neglect live their life. H.M. simply was not bothered by his amnesia or that neglect patients simply believe that their world was as normal as before their brain injuries.  Why should we, the so-called "normal healthy people" (or neurologically typical individuals), feel sorry for them?  They are happy.  They have no complaint.  They are not aware of their disorders even if they are told or if they are trying to be aware.  They are cognitively unable to comprehend why we want to feel sorry for them.
We thank them for teaching us memory and spatial cognition.  They may feel flattered and go on with their lives.

A science presentation is no more than a performance.  Any great performance (speech, research report, movie, play, musical, etc.) evokes further thoughts and discussions. 
I want to learn from these great performers and become one of them.
Finally after five years, I set a new personal goal. Wish me luck. 

除夕的時候

2002年的除夕我在做甚麼? 那一年是我上一次在台灣過年, 我想不起來我去了哪裡又做了甚麼, 大概跟今天差不多, 看電視殺時間, 等待晚上那一餐, 然後等待午夜的鞭炮聲.
從小就不愛過年, 今天也沒有因為十年沒過年而特別興奮, 倒是有些許焦躁, 誰知道下次跟家人過年要待何時.

過年的重點不是在哪裡過, 是跟誰過.

去年我在一個國際會議上跟同事長官過年, 大家應和應和的跟我說新年快樂, 我微笑以對老美虛假的笑容下, 心裡打定主意一年後一定要跟家人過年. 家人不願意遠行, 那我就回老家啦.


這幾年回台北, 我都睡在我不熟悉的房間裡, 被熟悉的書櫃衣櫃圍繞著, 我大概知道抽屜裡有甚麼東西, 但也沒想要打開整理一番. 這回我清了兩個櫃子, 總共四層的物品裡, 將近八成變成了垃圾, 因為我想不起來那些東西的重要性.
如果哪一天非得把櫃子也丟了, 那廉價的夾板門必須要仔細的拆下來放進玻璃箱裡, 因為那上頭有一張小小的拼貼海報, 記錄著青攸君幫我慶祝十九歲的生日.
除夕, 就是要去蕪存菁的等待一個開始.

好歹也在台灣過了二十幾次的年, 今晚要有不一樣的開始: 午夜去行天宮看人擠人搶著跟神明拜年.

祝大家都找到自己的方向往前過個好龍年, 也過好這一年.

goals and objectives

Tomorrow I am meeting with my boss to discuss my goals and objectives in 2012.
I don't think I can ever get used to this corporate model of running academic business. Or perhaps I have not been in an academic business, and I have pretended that I were.

Reading Steve Jobs reminds me of a few people I met in the past decade. I currently am in Chapter 10 and have learned that he was such a dick in his 20s. I have met a few dicks in my 20s. He was definitely a combination of all of them.
But I do admire how he was convinced that he was special and living for a great purpose. I want to be convinced by that feeling about myself as well.

I am special and living for a great purpose.
Reality is constructed by one who perceive it. Even if it is distorted, it is the reality perceived.

My goal of 2012 is to have a purposeful year. To achieve this goal, I am going to demonstrate that I am special in an irreplaceable way.

Alright, this is a nice start of the first business day of the year.
See you tomorrow, the second business day of the year.

good-how-are-you

I prefer to say "hey" rather than "how are you?" every time when I meet a coworker in the hallway.

That means I can never become the CEO of my organization. The CEO always takes time to stop,  looking into my eyes, smiling at me (even his eyes smile), and asking "How are you?" with each word articulated (instead of howareyou). He presents this common greeting so sincerely that I feel guilty if I don't provide a true answer.
No one provides the true answer to howareyou. Because there is only one answer, which is goodhowareyou. Seriously, I say it like a word not four.

I would like to change the office atmosphere by greeting with "hey" or simply nodding upward at the person crossing my path. This would reduce dishonesty for a tremendously amount.
For one thing, most people do not care how I am. They just want to be polite, be friendly, and be considered as "professional".
For another reason, most people say good-how-are-you in the same way as I say it and do not mean they feel good at the moment.
Therefore, if this kind of pointless exchanges can be eliminated once and for all, there is less dishonesty flowing around in the work place.

My profession requires precision in every word I produce in writing or speaking. Greeting with how-are-you-good-how-are-you is totally imprecise and boring.
Many non-Americans argue that Americans are superficial. The truth is everyone is superficial, but Americans highlight this human trait by over-using this seemingly caring conversation. When they finally decide to care, they would say "Seriously, how are YOU?" If they have not put themselves in the situation of being explicitly superficial, there would be no need to clarify the actual intention of the question when they really care. 

Americans who are as busy as me would agree with me. They do not exchange that meaningless conversation. They smile and nod and pass me by. When I ask "How are you?" they start talking about their houses, children, pets, vacations, and boring meetings. They desire a chunk of time for being cared so that they can take a breath, think about themselves, complain about meaningless things making them busy, and end with "So how are you?"
And I say "Good."
So that we can proceed to reach the original purpose of the meeting.
I am professionalized. Sigh.


Or I don't know how I am. "Good" is an easy answer.
I am not used to being cared verbally.
I am not sure how to answer that question. I have no conscious access to that part of me. I have indicators though. When my work load is over to certain level, I have dreams in which I was in my high school classroom worrying about exams. When my personal life sucks, I feel drowsy all the time. When things go well at work, I work more. When things go poorly at work, I am silent.

I have four manuscripts waiting for me to revise. I am supposed to resubmit a grant. I am applying for two new IRB protocols. I am grading 13 final papers from students. I am spending time composing this blog entry. I am good.
Perhaps I will dream about the high school classroom tonight. But last night, I dreamed of the unborn baby of my cousin. I saw its face. I myself was a girl named "Louis" from the Middle East. Such random dreams make me wonder whether I am good.

Don't ask me. Just say hey.  

Irene Weekend

On Friday at work, people were talking about Irene and how they were preparing for its arrival. A co-worker who also lived in Hoboken kindly informed me that she would stay with her relatives in South Jersey, and if I wished to park my car in her apartment building, I could go to blah blah blah. I seriously did not write down her address and let the information enter and leave my head.

My attitude to this event was the same as my attitude to the earthquake incident several days ago. Come on, that earthquake was not that terrifying in comparison to every quake I had experienced in Taiwan. And please, it's just a hurricane. Like a typhoon. Nothing to worry about.

On the second thought, however, I was worried about Hoboken. The town always got flooded if it rained more than three hours. Hoboken has the worst drainage system I've ever seen. Every time when it was flooded, my 30-minute commute could become a 2-and-half-hour journey.
So the level of my worry increased as the day went by. Before noon, the CEO announced that we had an early closing for all employees to go home and prepare for the storm. That was a really nice gesture, and I totally accepted it.
I drove back to Hoboken and carefully parked bungbung at a spot where no tree or power line was able to fall on it. And I went shopping for food.
The scene in the supermarket was quite dramatic: Half of the store was empty. With the sun and breezes in the late afternoon, people were really scared with the thought of a storm coming to starve them.

I stayed home over night, checking the news constantly. Mama and superstar called and made sure that I was alright. Superstar suggested me drive away and stay somewhere else in case Hoboken got flooded badly. Before going to bed, I decided that I would decide whether to move bungbung to a garage in the morning.
All the information I took in, however, made me sleepless. Correction: I only had six hours of sleep. I drove on the streets around 7am on Saturday and found that all the garages were full. Eventually, I parked on a street that was on the top of this hilly town and that there was no tree or power line around. I sat by the sidewalk for about 15 minutes and convinced myself that this was a good decision.
Satisfied, I went to purchase batteries and candles. I went home and waited for the storm.

I was pretty calm until a call from the mayor of Hoboken. It was her voice message telling all residents "Run for your life! Leave! If you parked your car on the street, it'll be towed." I frowned and reacted to the message: I packed and left.
Well, to tell this story more accurately, I went online to see the projected path of the hurricane and decided that I should go northwest in order to avoid it. Binghamton was just outside the path, and I know someone there. So I booked a hotel room near Binghamton and I packed and left. This move on Saturday was the start of my long Irene weekend.

Thanks to Joey, I had two dinners with a funny companion. Talking to a friend who just started his American life as a PhD student made me humble, setting me back to summer 2002... when I landed in State College, PA on Aug 13 that year, it was pouring with lots of thunders. Yes, I came into a storm with a general direction but no idea what was waiting for me. And now I'm driving around by myself in this country, trying to outrun a storm. Life is funny.
Yes, I stayed for two nights. It was crazy. When I woke up on Sunday morning, I found the power was out and the storm had successfully chased me to Binghamton. Damn broadcasting! Binghamton was supposed to be storm free! Anyway, I sat in dark with the sounds of rain and wind. Immediately I called the front desk to make sure that I was not dreaming. The front desk confirmed my fear.

I put myself together, got dressed, and went to the lobby for coffee. It was full of people running away from New Jersey or New York. In dim light, people were greeting, and children were laughing. For me, it was a good feeling that I was not in this mess alone.
A family tried to check in, but the front desk could not take them in. I felt bad: I was only one person occupying a suite with a non-functioning jacuzzi. This family of four had to wait if anyone checked out by noon. I was thinking I probably should ask if Joey could take me in.
Suddenly, the power was back! A smile immediately came to my face. Everyone was cheered up.
I went back to my room and watched all the news channels about the storm. I checked online to see if Hoboken was under water. Yes, Binghamton was flooded here and there. The river near Joey's place might crest. In Hoboken, every where but my street was flooded, meaning that there was no way for me to drive back today. The news about Hoboken also included that "live" power lines were down in the flood water, and if you walked in it, you might get electrified. It said that you should not walk outdoors or even walk your dogs at all because the flood water was so dangerous and toxic.
The more information I was receiving, the more I leaned toward the idea of staying for one more night. Before Joey could answer my request, I booked the room for another night.
I did not dare to drive outside because the news anchors and the weather reporters were telling me the town where I was staying just got 8 flood alerts and warnings. What the...  I wished Joey was alright and tried to reach him. And it turned out that he was just vacuuming his apartment and did not hear the phone ring. Oh well.

Driving back home on Monday, I enjoyed a pleasantly sunny day. Driving through the mountains at 120km/hr (80 m/h) for three hours gave me some happiness.  The scenes I drove by from New York, Pennsylvania, briefly Delaware, to New Jersey looked no trace of the hurricane. This storm did not do as much damage as I thought. I realized how Americans lived in fear induced by the media that was funded by the insurance industry. I just spent more than 300 dollars related to storm preparation, gas, and hotel rooms. I still believed that my car would have been fine at that parking spot I found for it, and that I would be safe and sound staying in my apartment for the weekend. 

However, when I approached Hoboken, I found it almost impossible to get into Hoboken. Many ramps were closed. Many roads were blocked. I did not see flood, but see police cars blocking roads.
On Tuesday back to work, the time I spent on the road doubled because of random road closure.... Arh... I hate it sometimes that over the years I actually have gained more patience, or learned helplessness, to road situations.

Here are some clips of flooded Hoboken. After viewing these, I was very glad that I drove away from it. Thank you, Mayor Zimmer.



This one is scary only for people who know what this park looked like before the storm....




Bye, Irene.

公務員般

我弟在個大公司上班一個月後的感想：像是公務員一樣。
公務員至少有兩個負面的特徵：固定的上班時間和例行的工作內容。

我朝九晚五，可是絕大多數做學術研究的人都沒有固定的「上班時間」。上班時間要上引號因為做學術研究這行業是隨時都可以工作，包括不在辦公室的時候。我經常晚上或週末在家裡工作，只是因為辦公室離我滿遠的，不然我寧願在辦公室做事。
我認識的金融業、建築業、醫療業、電子業的朋友們每天都工作至少十個小時，而且他們的業務一定要在辦公室或是家裡之外的工作場所才能執行，公務員應該不會羨慕他們。

固定的上班時間應該不是我弟抱怨的重點，應該是工作內容。重複做類似的事情的確是滿難有成就感的，要怎麼被上司賞識到然後換來多一點變化（多元的工作 = 多項工作）就看本事了。

大部分的人對別人行業的工作型態都是不了解的，可是我認為每一條路的歷程是類似的，學術研究的路跟其他行業的路沒有多大差別：定大方向　->　起頭　-> 階段性目標達成　-> 決定要不要繼續走下去　-> 下一個階段完成 -> 遇到貴人和好時機　-> 往上爬一層換個稱謂　-> 遇到好市場，受到多方注意　->　往上躍一層，贏了聲譽　->　市場繼續看好　->　往上飛一層　-> 　十年後還在那裡　-> 　穩座上位

這條路要走多久，看個人造化。我十五歲時就定了大方向，十八歲就起頭，二十七歲階段性目標達成，二十九歲決定要繼續走下去，希望有一天可以當教授。
Ｃａｔｈｌｅｅｎ四十三歲升上教授，Ｔｏｂｙ今年應該五十歲了才升上副教授，這一切都跟學術智力無關，而是社交智慧和研究主題決定了如何走順這條路。

成功要如何衡量？往上爬的速度嗎？還是堅持下去的時間？稱謂大小嗎？聲望嗎？還是收入？
無論用哪一個衡量方式，公務員也是有機會成功的。

如果工作真的是無聊到爆，至少腦力可以空出來想想第二條路。過去十年我沒有發展任何可能的第二條路的能力，沒有時間沒有腦力，對任何事情都沒有很大熱情要做到專業。現在，我在同一個大領域做很多不同小領域的事情，不能算是第二條路，而算是衍生出來新的挑戰，公務員般朝九晚五的日子裡有滿多新的變化，各種不同小小的成就感讓我想繼續走下去。

我也有走不下去的時候，三年多前曾經有非常絕望的感覺，專業領域上的絕望，經濟上的絕望，語言能力上的絕望，私人情感上的絕望，越想越覺得自己在美國甚至回台灣都不可能有什麼前途的。可是我撐過去了，花了兩年時間寫了三次的研究經費終於拿到了，剛好也過完薪水悲慘的博士後研究員生活，人開朗了，什麼事情似乎都又有了希望。「撐下去」三個字是很多人沒有辦法做到，但是有的時候就是成功的原因。我還沒成功啦，但是也還沒失敗，正在祈求＂遇到好市場，受到多方注意＂的那個里程碑。

如果用結果來定義成功，那麼我的路可能要走很久，可能比 Toby 久。所以過程開不開心很重要，慢慢來沒關係，我選擇住在Hoboken，不再在太陽下山後就提心吊膽或是無所事事；我選擇把時間優先權給班比和麻嗎，晚上周末做不完的事情，第二天還是可以做的；我選擇散步慢跑瑜珈，不要醒著的時間都盯著電腦或是開著車。

除了那兩個負面的特徵，公務員這個詞還有一個特徵，但是對我來說不是負面的。安定是我喜歡的，安定是一種外象的狀態也是一種心境。我知道我的定位，我的責任，我做得到和做不到的事情；我知道我是什麼角色，我可以是什麼角色，我可以讓別人認為我是什麼角色；我知道薪水每兩個禮拜會發下來，我知道我一年有二十五天的假。

如果用幸福感來定義成功，目前我是比每天做例行事務的公務員來的成功。
（還好我不認識任何公務員。。。）

巴黎行(下)

來到巴黎，除了鐵塔、凱旋門和博物館之外，就是要去看看教堂，像是遊台灣的旅客一定無法錯過廟宇一樣。
我看了三個教堂，其中兩個有進去參觀。
一到巴黎的那天(6/16/2011)，Zabeth 要我多接受陽光洗禮，這樣比較容易對抗時差，所以她帶我去一個自從"艾蜜莉的異想世界 (Amelia)"上映後就變成景點的聖心大教堂(Basilique du Sacre-Coeur)。 一路從她家走過去，她說她媽媽在世的時候那附近還不是景點，聚集很多藝術家，她媽媽很喜歡去那裡晃。
現在倒是聚集很多畫匠，跟旅客收錢畫像，像是紐約的時代廣場。
過兩天(6/18/2011)，Zabeth和我去聖母院(Cathédrale Notre Dame de Paris)。上回去加拿大魁北克的時候，剛好有遇見別人的導遊說聖母院對法國人的重要性，所以我發現法國到處是聖母院，像是台灣每個城市一定會有媽祖廟一樣。大家都喜歡有個媽媽形象的神保佑自己。
巴黎的聖母院是我見過最方整莊嚴的教堂，她的正門外觀是目前最合我美感胃口的教堂。蓋了三百年才完成的大型藝術品。
我在巴黎的最後一天 (6/23/2011)　要去 Zabeth 的系上報告, 她說去她學校之前，我們可以去看一個她的德文版巴黎導覽裡推薦的教堂：聖禮拜堂 (La Sainte-Chapelle)。是的，在我到巴黎造訪 Zabeth 之前，她自己其實沒有好好參觀巴黎各大景點。例如我和她都是第一次去龐畢度，第一次登上凱旋門。總之，她一直有準備她自己的巴黎導覽，終於搬來巴黎一年之後有用武之地。
我必須要說，聖母院的外觀或許是最讚的，但是聖禮拜堂的二樓內景是最無法用言語形容的，我一登上二樓，立刻起雞皮疙瘩。
以下就是我去這些教堂的相簿：

Churches I visited in Paris

最後要介紹一些小景點給你
1. Jardin du Luxembourg 就是一個有整齊樹木花草噴水池的公園。我跟 Aya 在六月十七下午去的，天氣不太好，開始下毛毛雨的時候，我們跑到附近一家茶店坐坐 bread & roses，還行啦。
2. Opera Garnier 巴黎歌劇院，裝潢繁雜華麗，唯一很現代的是歌劇廳天花板，跟週遭的雕飾完全不合的現代派藝術畫家 Chagall 的大作。我跟 Aya 六月二十去的，本來是想要試試第二天有沒有歌劇可以看，還好沒票了，不然就錯過一年一度的夏至音樂節。可是我們還是有進去參觀。
3. La Fayette 百貨公司，就在歌劇院附近，百貨公司本身就是一個世界各大城市都可以找到的百貨公司，景點是百貨公司中心的天井，天井頂是一個巨大的彩繪玻璃。六月二十二，Zabeth 帶我進去拍幾照片就出來了。
4. Jardin du Tuileries 就是羅浮宮和 Place de la Concorde 之間。或者換個說法，從羅浮宮可以一路直直走到凱旋門，羅浮宮和 Place de la Concorde 之間是Jardin du Tuileries，Place de la Concorde 和凱旋門之間就是香榭大道。
5. Avenue de Champs Elysees 香榭大道，嗯，就是一條圍繞著昂貴名牌商店的馬路，對我來說值得一走完全是因為馬路底是凱旋門。
6. Place de la Concorde 還滿適合拍照的。不過交通號誌燈的設計有點不明確，遊客都是匆忙衝過馬路，經過時要注意交通安全。
7. Place des Vosges 是個古老的紅磚社區住宅，四面公寓為著一個公園，你在 Wikipedia 可以找得到喔。
8. Rue Mouffetard 是一條長長彎彎的小巷子，充滿各式各樣的小商店（包括珍奶），是 Zabeth 的爸爸在巴黎最喜歡的一條街。我和 Zabeth 去那裡逛了一下子，買了一條裙子。

就這樣啦，有機會自己去，有空就看看我的相片囉：

Small tours in Paris

最後，因應麻嗎要求（"我想要看你在照片裡啦，出去玩怎麼都拍風景")，我放幾張不容易猜到我在哪裡拍照的獨照來給她開心一下。