good bye, hoboken

I locked myself out tonight when doing laundry. This was the first time ever since Oct 2011 when I moved in to this apartment. I have two locks on my door. The top one is a deadbolt lock and the bottom is a knob. They share the same key. Normally, I kept the knob unlocked so when I left the apartment with the door came closing itself up, the door was kept unlocked until I manually locked the deadbolt.
Okay now, for more than two years, every time I went downstairs for laundry, I always carried the laundry basket and allowed the door to close behind me without carrying my keys. Tonight I did the same as usual. However, at the moment when the door closed, I was like .... shit!

Earlier today a guy called me, telling me that he came to my apartment to fix the heater. He got the key from the landlord.
Last week after I told the landlord that I was moving soon, the landlord came for inspection and took a set of my keys. When he took the keys, he tried on the locks and asked me why the knob was kept unlocked. I said "for my convenience." Right there, he told me he preferred both locks were locked when no one was in the apartment.

Alright fast-forward to this evening when I came home, I found both locks were locked. I used the same key to unlock both and opened the door.  Only until the door closed behind me later tonight, did I realize that the knob may have been in the position of "automatic lock itself when the door closes itself." But the realization came totally too late!!!  I locked myself out of my apartment.

How ironic! One week before I moved out I was locked out of the apartment.  The first night when Superstar and I moved in (yes, more than two years ago), Superstar went out for taking dinner while I was unpacking. When he came back, he found out that he was locked out while I was locked in because the deadbolt was damaged.  Unfortunately, the bolt was broken in pieces, being stuck inside the door frame. At that time, the knob was totally broken and dysfunctional. Superstar could not turn the key to move the bolt and thus unable to open the door, and I could not turn the switch from inside the apartment to open the door either. That was a Friday or Saturday night when no locksmith was working. Superstar worked magic and dismantled the lock, leaving a hole on the door. I gave him a hair pin and sticking tape, shedding some light through the hole with a flashlight. He did remove the bolt from the door frame. Oh my. I thought that was too exciting for the first night of moving in with my boyfriend. The next day, the landlord came and installed the current deadbolt and knob locks on my door.

Now I was locked out because of the stupid knob lock. With 10 degrees outside and with my indoor outfit, I went to the backyard, which was covered with deep snow, and I tried to reach high for the fire escape ladder. I was hoping to pull it down so that I could climb into my apartment. With my socks and no gloves, I stood on a wobbly chair with my wobbly legs and tried to reach as high as possible. I was a failure.
So I went upstairs, knocking doors of my neighbors, but no one was home. Who would be home on a Friday night? Then I went back to the backyard with a broom stick in the hope of reaching the hooks of the ladder.  No use.  But this time I noticed that my first-floor neighbor, a hair salon, was lighted. I locked her door. She was there! She helped me with a stool and a long swiping stick.  At this moment I remembered that my rain boots were outside my door. I did not have to stand in snow with just socks. So I put on my boots, and the salon owner held the stool for me so that I could stand up straight and high with a great confidence. But when I looked up to the ladder, I wondered if it would fall down on me when I pulled. What if I could not handle the weight of the iron fire-escape ladder!? I was making myself insane.
Anyway I pulled and pulled. The ladder was fixed still there and not coming down! I was so frustrated. "Let's call the landlord," I said. I knew the salon owner had the landlord's number.
She made the call for me. The landlord said the technician who had inspected the heater earlier today was still in Hoboken. He could come over in 3 minutes. Oh thank you, whatever up there!
This whole drama lasted for about 45 minutes. I knew it because that was the time for my laundry to be done in the washing machine.

Oh I love the hair salon owner. She is a nice lady with a sincerely friendly manner and good taste in flower arrangement at her windows and our front yard. I will thank her once more before my move next weekend. Yes, I am moving out of Hoboken.

I came to Hoboken in the summer 2009, two months after I got the real job. I picked Hoboken because it was close to Manhattan, one PATH station away. In addition, PATH runs 24 hours. I picked an apartment on the first street because it was very close to PATH. However, the first couple nights proved how bad my decision was. My apartment was on top of a popular Irish pub with dancing music. My landlady owned both the pub and the apartment. For some lazy reason, I stayed there for two years before moving to the sixth street with Superstar. I have been a resident of Hoboken for more than 4 years now.

Last summer Superstar moved away for his PhD education. Since then I felt uneasy and wanted something for myself. I was almost angry at myself for not being able to change the current situation. When Superstar and Mama kept telling me to save money for the future, I wanted something for the present and not something forcing me to live for the future. I had a breakdown in front of Superstar's relatives: I yelled in front of them in a nice restaurant that I wanted to live for now, not for the future! Right there I knew I needed an immediate intervention by myself. I was driving myself crazy. No one could help me. As usual, I figured that I am the most important supporter for myself. Of course, this time Superstar provided his support, which I truly appreciated. I didn't tell Mama until I signed the lease.

I have wanted to live in Manhattan since 2001, when I started watching Sex and the City. Now I reached the age of the characters in Season 3. And I knew I am capable of financially supporting myself in Manhattan. I wanted to move in to the city now!
The motivation was strong and was ready to be realized. However, the final kick came from a series of events happening at the end of 2013 and the beginning of 2014, all irrelevant to my life, but lives of people very close to my heart. A good friend failed yet again in conceiving a child. Another good friend's husband suddenly walked out on her around the time before their first anniversary. A coworker suddenly lost her husband in her arm in their home on my birthday.
And I was like... life is right now. I want to move to Manhattan now even if I am spending all my monthly income without saving as much as I was expected to. Superstar and Mama's expectation can be suffocating sometimes only because I do care about their opinions on how I run my life.

The weekend Superstar and I came back from Taiwan in early January, I looked for an apartment and found one both he and I like very much. I signed the lease two weeks ago. We are going to have a new home.
So, good-bye, dear Hoboken. 99% of the picture I took in Hoboken was at the riverside, looking over to Manhattan. Soon I am going to be in Manhattan, possibly looking over to Hoboken if I have a chance. I will miss the Art, Music, and Italian Festivals, the friendly city hall workers, the fireworks, the local restaurants, and the view at the river.

不知足

十幾歲的時候, 我夢想長大之後要當教授.
後來知道教授的工作內容不太人性化, 而且教授缺難等, 我更改了夢想, 覺得全職研究人員也是不錯的, 只要專心作研究, 不用教書不用帶學生不用管行政.
後來真的變成全職研究人員, 外加教授的職稱, 才知道我要教書要帶學生要管行政, 雖然工作環境不在一般研究大學裡, 教學的對象大多是已經有大學以上或是碩士以上學歷, 但是我的工作內容跟我的夢想的確是有一大段落差. 有的時候都不知道我在忙什麼, 為什麼而忙碌. 行政工作和研究工作的分界原來是很模糊的, 偶爾還要兼公關.

好幾次, 我想重新再來過, 改做其他事情. 做什麼呢?  我又在發夢了...
慈善非營利機構做人道工作?  我已經在慈善非營利機構了！
我發表的論文也從純認知心理學跨到半醫學社會人文類, 似乎可算是我對人道工作的間接貢獻.

我好想要到處旅行, 那就發夢換個需要旅行的工作.
因為學術研討會和學術訪問, 我其實還滿常飛來飛去的... 而且我常依照開會地點來決定要不要參加會議... 
下個月, 整個月, 我要去德國 Tuebingen 參與一位教授的研究團隊. 除了我喜歡這位教授的研究內容和方法,我選擇這個小鎮是因為我的多年好友 Zabeth 住在那裡.

所以說, 其實多多少少我已經落實夢想. 誰每天都稱心如意呢? 如果一個工作天裡有 50% 是純粹的開心, 就真的令人滿足. 這包括八小時的好眠, 和四小時的工作成就感 (e.g., 寫完兩頁的 Discussion).
我要學會知足, 可是每次達成目標後, 我都會有點失落, 我就是要找事情做.
人生就是不停的發夢, 不停的追夢.

下一個夢, 我想要住在我愛的人身邊. 紐約或是台北. 然後我可以繼續做入世的研究, 繼續邊旅行邊工作.

 

proposal

I have no dream for my wedding. I am not saying that I don't like weddings. I almost always shedded tears in weddings especially during the vow exchange. I just never imagined my own wedding because I don't feel it's necessary for my life or for my marriage if it ever happens.
Getting married is to legalize the social unit in which two people (in the context of the main-stream cultural style) staying together as lovers, financial supporters, live-in companions, and even soul mates. But why is it necessary for the government or a religious organization recognizes my personal choice of life partner?  Why do I need a license for it?  I have had doubt about the involvement of such legal process -- and social expectation -- for as long as I can remember.  Do not blame all the failed marriages for my doubt.  I always have doubts in situations where I feel being forced to comply.

I also do not fancy any kind of traditional or conventional weddings. I think spending loads of money and time in taking wedding pictures before the wedding itself is absurd. That's right. Taiwanese people have been doing so as a regular wedding preparation for decades.  Now this fashion is adopted by other Asian countries.  People usually do not look like themselves in those pictures because they are dressed in outfits that do not belong to them, in makeup and lighting that change the natural features, and in digital editing that transforms them into someone else.  I think wedding-picture taking is only necessary during the actual wedding. I have no objection to hiring professional photographers to catch smiles and other moments during the wedding and reception. 
Any other kinds of conventional things I don't like?  Having the ceremony in any religious setting or building is just not consistent with what I believe.  This extends to the dress. White or red?  Veil or not?  The point is I don't care much about the wedding itself.  A great beautiful glamorous wedding does not guarantee a long-lasting joyful marriage.

However, I have had dreams of proposals since early teens.  Unlike the wedding including people who you don't really know, the proposal is exclusively limited to the two individuals.  Let's not talk about those traditional situations where the guy has to propose to the father of the gal.
I think the act of a marriage proposal puts so much pressure on both individuals that the preparation, the process, and the result are almost always romantic even if the proposal fails.  Yes, I used the word romantic.  My favorite movie-moment of marriage proposals is the one in Stepmom (see the clip below).  I was not 20 yet when seeing that scene. I wished mine would happen in the similar way.




More recently, I found the proposal does not need to be intimate.  A group effort can be very moving too.  Here is the clip making me cry. The guy Isaac really did a great job.

 

And just about a week ago, I saw another proposal following Isaac's approach. I cried again. So hopeless.
 

Although people on some parts of the earth are suffering, this world is still so beautiful with love and lovers who can make their own decisions for their own lives. 
As to my proposal? It happened in the morning after days of not-so-pleasant discussion about the way how I should connect with his family. I woke him up by saying 我們結婚吧 (let's get married).  He agreed.

Yeah... a marriage is not for the two individuals but for the two families. This is especially true when your partner gives his/her family a hugely irreplaceable role in his/her life. I finally made up my mind to have not just him but also his family involved in my life.

中文技能

兩三年前, 系主任透過他的秘書找到我, 只因為我會聽說讀寫中文, 要我幫他翻譯幾張投影片, 讓他去中國演講的時候可以愛現一下. 專業用語的翻譯其實是很困難的, 而且我的確是不太知道要怎麼用中文表達我的專業, 更別說是系主任先生的專業了. 不過, 花了十幾分鐘, 上網確定一下一些專有名詞, 我還是幫他了, 只是我 “忘記“ 跟他說中國人不看正體字.

這人情變成滾不完的人情, 從中國來訪問的學者醫生都是衝著他的大名來的, 他都會推我出來, 要大家跟我認識認識, 其實就變成了照顧照顧. 你說從來沒接受英文教育的人, 憑他們的英文怎麼能在這裡生存, 怎麼跟美國人打哈哈, 怎麼知道什麼話是客套, 什麼話有雙關, 什麼字眼是“我其實不知道你在說什麼", 什麼表情是 "我真的不想聽你說話". 有些人的英文程度甚至沒辦法做專業上的交談. 我變成免錢的翻譯加導覽人員.


當然, 這也是雙向的. 中國人的英文很中文. 很短的句子, 很中文的文法, 很愛說 ok, 很容易中文直翻英文, 讓美國人完全不了解他們到底想要表達什麼. 通常我會讓中國人試著說一下以示尊重, 但是真的聽不下去, 或是我同事我老闆微笑的轉過來看著我的時候, 我就只好翻譯或是換句話說了. 但是雞同鴨講的時候還是很常見, 若是大家都假裝有聽懂, 沒跟我求救, 我通常就微笑當傻子.

醫院院長居然也聽說我很好用, 才送走第某某解放軍醫院又有哪省哪市有人要來, 要我翻譯一些歡迎的字句.  職務上, 我不是醫院的人, 但是以後需要他們繼續給我病人讓我的研究繼續, 我當然馬上幫忙, 強化個人公關.（那些來訪的人怎麼都沒抗議為什麼沒有簡體字?）最近這一年來, 中國超愛派人出來參訪, 我幾乎都要陪在旁邊, 中英轉換功力跟著變強許多.

總之, 說中文這項"技能"變成我的專長之一, 開始有人關心我是哪裡來的, 客套的問問台灣跟中國的差別. 這真的是滿神奇的感覺...
剛來美國的時候, 好怕永遠學不會英文口語, 好怕語言障礙阻饒我, 我不是不聰明只是不會表達, 我不是不喜歡 party 交新朋友只是不會用英文說垃圾話. 記得剛來的第二年, 我的指導教授 Toby 有一次開完笑的跟我說 "You Asians are uptight." 我只是笑笑, 因為當時我的英文反應還是很龜速, 沒辦法立刻跟他嗆回去. (Toby 是可以嗆回去的. I should have said "you don't know me.") 開玩笑嘛? 你去問問誰覺得我很拘謹保守.
英文很爛的時候, 沒人想要理我的, 沒人問我台灣在哪裡. 只好跟其他非華人的國際學生混了, 大家的英文都很抱歉. 於是我斷絕了中文的世界, 看電視看八卦雜誌看小說練習英文, 還有交了個英文比我好多的男朋友, 每天被批評英文有問題. 然後英文吵架的功力大大提升.
有一陣子連中文的閱讀速度都變慢了. 然後中文表達變得像是英文的句法. 然後我失去了書寫的能力. 不是手寫字的能力, 是作文能力.
自從班比加入我的生活之後, 我相信我現在應該有回復到國小畢業的作文程度, 不過離我十年前大學畢業的程度還差遠了. 數學也變爛了, 還好沒有美國人那麼糟.

我算是搭了個便車, 在中英文能力都成熟的時機, 享受了中國強勢下的優勢, 而且還可以數落中國, 吹吹台灣的民主先進. 
不僅來訪的人多了, 我們研究中心新進人員裡多了兩三個中國人. 新來的人都會到處繞繞認識同事, 繞到我辦公室來的時候, 我絕對只說英文. 不能因為母語相同就在工作場合搞小團體, 你既然能來這裡工作代表你會說英文, 我不會對你特別親切的. 會說西班牙文的同事們也沒有搞小團體的. 你們要利用中文去攀其他關係, 例如下次哪個中國什麼教授什麼什麼院長要來（他們的名片拿出來都好多頭銜）, 你們要自告奮勇去當翻譯的阿. 

非雜文的期許 a bilingual plan

我最近在思考要怎麼救回我的中文寫作, 又不會犧牲我依然不是很理想的英文表達能力.

Recently I am wondering how to rescue my degrading Chinese writing skill but not to impede the progress of my never-perfect English skill.

交替著寫中英文可能不是最好的練習方式, 那只是會變成有點突兀或是不三不四的雜文.

Alternating Chinese and English may not be the best practice, and it may read awkward.

所以來試試看用中英文表達同一件事情.

Therefore, I am trying to express the same idea or make the same statement with two different languages.

這超難的啦, 因為要避免怪腔怪調的直翻, 就要考慮兩種語言在表達方式上的不同.

This proves super difficult. I have to avoid weird verbatim translation and at the same time have to consider the language-specific structures so that sentences will make sense.

例如中文常常省略主詞, 英文非常介意用字的精準度.

For example, the subject of a sentence is often omitted in Chinese while it would be considered non-standard in English. The precision of wording in English is more important than that in Chinese.

從以上的練習, 又可以看出中文用字比英文精簡.

From the above, one can see that to reflect the same meaning, a Chinese sentence is more succinct than its English counterpart.

當然可能是因為中文是我的母語, 好歹也用了一輩子. 英文及使天天用, 依然不及中文流利.

Of course the reason for shorter Chinese sentences may be due to the fact that Chinese is my native language, which I have used for my whole life time. Meanwhile, although I've used English daily for a decade, my English is still not as good as my Chinese.  

但是我就是無法用中文表達我的專業領域, 非常懊惱.

Despite of the advantage of the Chinese language in me, I am simply unable to express my profession in Chinese. This is frustrating.

所以我要練習中英文互用, 這樣不僅是中英文打字能力可以一起維持住水準, 有一天我也可以用中文跟麻嗎說明我到底在美國做甚麼.

To address this issue, I am going to set a goal: One day I will explain to Mama what I am doing in the States in Chinese. To reach this goal, I will practice writing, i.e., typing, English as well as Chinese. The beneficial side-effect will be that both my English and Chinese typings will stay at a pretty good level.

其實, 她是看得懂英文的. 但是隔行如隔山, 她就是沒辦法理解認知神經心理學家到底是在幹甚麼.

Actually, she can read English. But people in different professions are like people believe in different religions. She simply cannot understand what a neurocognitive psychologist does.

我個人認為"認知神經心理學" 需要重新命名. 這樣的直翻就好像三流的電影翻譯一樣, 詞不達意, 徒增不必要的神祕和困擾.

I personally think "neurocognitive psychology" should be renamed or re-branded in the Chinese-speaking science community. The literally direct translation does not convey the meaning, like poorly translated foreign movies that induce unneccessary mistery and confusion.

應該叫做"腦與行為學".

I would propose the new label "the Study of Brain and Behavior."

雖然依然很難懂, 但是就沒有"認知" 或是"心理學" 這些字眼來攪局.

Although the proposed new label may still be confusing, there is no "cognitive" or "psychology" that invites wrong interpretation.

那我要怎麼說明 "空間忽略症" 呢?  我再想想...  今天的中文練習就先這樣.

And how should I explain the disorder of spatial neglect? Let me think about it. I'm done with today's Chinese practice.