mark on the nose

For several days, I saw a stain on my nose, midway between my nose tip and the center of the eyebrows. I saw it first time one day home when using the bathroom after work. I wiped it off and wondered if my face was bleeding somewhere for the entire day because the stain was quite dry. I saw it again the next morning when using the bathroom at work. I wiped it off and wondered what happened to me. Since then, I was very conscious about my nose and the appearance of the stain every time I looked into the mirror. I found it only in the mornings.

Yesterday after a sip of coffee, I saw myself in the mirror and found a wet fresh stain on the exact location of my nose. Oh so it was always my coffee mug giving me that stain! The skin over there had so little sensitivity.
I was actually happy about this discovery. I am so easy to get happy. But what about the day I saw the stain after work? For the entire day, I had the stain on my nose, and no one noticed? Or no one dared to say anything? Or no one inspected my face while talking to me?

People are so trained to say nothing about people's appearance to their faces. One of the best time-killing thing I do with Superstar is judging people on the street, in the subway, in a coffee shop, and everywhere we could speak in Mandarin without being understood. We judge people's body shapes, dressing styles, and even their facial expressions. We admire beautiful men and women. We always have fun. Of course, we don't say it to people.
One night I spoke pretty loudly in Mandarin to the back of a non-Chinese-speaking stranger. I said "you're fat." Superstar stopped me immediately, "What if people understand you? A lot people are learning Chinese now." I defended myself, pretending that I knew nothing about political correctness/politeness, "I'm just describing her body in a neutral way. Like height, skin color, or foot size."
Basically, when a description contains socially defined negative meaning, people do not want to hear about it and do not want to say it to other people either.

For example, "There is a stain on your nose" may not be a very nice thing to say.
But it is so not nice to leave the stain on my nose for the entire day. I am not offended by comments about my Asian small eyes, round nose, big shoe size, or misaligned teeth. You're welcome to say those to me. When I am in Taiwan, I am fine with people saying that I am fat or tall because I am by the standard held there.
I wish I could go to a person and say in a frank but positive tone:
"Hey your hair can be more visually pleasant than it is now."
"You're so confident that you wear American Apparel."
"Your eyes are huge." (Well... I did that)
"I love your sweater." (I said this before too)
"Please close your mouth when playing video games."
"You'll smell better if the perfume is less strong."
"Keep your Chihuahua away from me."

When you see a stain anywhere on my face, please tell me. If you don't, I will feel you don't respect me. See? I immediately judge you again. Can't help it.

It's all because of this new coffee hug mama gave me. (How inspiring!) The mug was a sample that one factory was making for the Taipei International Flura Expo. I loved the artistic print on the mug, but the lid gave me the stain on the nose. Is it too late to demand the factory to fix this problem among others? Well... I cannot release the secrets of coffee mug making. But, mama, ask them to build a better mug lid that will not stain a coffee lover's nose.

beach time in Atlantic City

October is not the best beach season for Americans. But it sort of is for me and Superstar. We walked on the beach after breakfast. We found no other human doing the same thing on a Friday morning. All we found were those left-overs of some mysterious creature from the Atlantic Ocean. They may have died before waves brought them up to the beach. They may have died because waves brought them up to the beach. I wish I saw some one alive and I could figure this out. Anyway I was excited and running around on the beach, yelling "here's another one" again and again as if I discovered some rare highly valuable gem.
I do not know what they are. They looked pretty ancient. Their history probably was billion times longer than humans. I should have seen them in an aquarium... or a fish market... but I could not recall.
To have fun with them, we gathered them together, facing the ocean:


With my shoes as a reference for size:


Who would've known that I had the best memory of Atlantic City on the beach of a windy chilly Friday in October? Who would've known? I was happy on Superstar's birthday (and Ching's).
A little happiness at a time.

very young and beautiful Asian girls

Sitting in a comfy couch and seeing a piece of beach with cloudless sky from the 11th floor of the hotel, I was caught by a page in Atlantic City Weekly. It was a page for massage advertisements. I did want some massage on vacation, and thus I stopped slipping through pages and read. But there was information more than massage.
Faces or bodies of female Eastern Asians were emphasized in pictures as well as in texts. If not, the word "oriental" would be mentioned.
I asked myself, "Do I want a session of great massage or some kind of 'massage' with an Asian girl? Would the girl perform massage at all? Or she would simply stand there smiling at me, showing me some of her skin from her privates?"
Just look at the page. Isn't it interesting? The "VIP ESCORT" ad, far left in the second row, featuring a girl showing her cleavage, said "beautiful young Asian girls". However, another ad "TOKYO ESCORTS" totally beat it because this ad featured a sexy back with texts "Have a fantastic time with very young and beautiful Asian girls". In addition, the "TOKYO ESCORTS" emphasized that "Outcall only" and "We come to you..." You know what? I loved those three dots. I almost called. Almost. I was afraid that I would not see the "very young and beautiful Asian girl" knock on my door, but a not very young or not very beautiful Asian woman would come with a beefy bodyguard and a "manager" who wanted to recruit me.

Later, I took a long walk on the Broadwalk and found so many massage stores. An Asian woman was sitting at or standing by the door of each store. None of them, women and the stores, looked slightly enticing. I would ask Superstar to give me a massage. With dot dot dot.

斷交

她跟我在電話裡斷交了。
朋友的定義是如此薄弱啊，一言兩語就情斷意絕。
只因為我沒有及時慰問她剛剛分手的難熬，她說得我一句也反駁不了。她形容我的行為，我沒有否認，我的確是放著她不去問，因為她沒有求援，因為我不會安慰。可是她指控我的罪名，我一個也沒有承認。我只承認我沒做到她定義下的「好朋友」。

可是想想，從小到大，每次我分手的時候，誰每晚會問候我？誰有問過我曾經有多難過？誰看過我哭過？我一個人還不是就這樣長大了，就這樣過了好多年，難道我要一個一個打電話跟所有認識的人絕交嗎？
跟某些女生當朋友真是累啊。要求真是多，她問我為什麼明明知道她是這麼在意卻還是沒理她，她怎麼不問問她自己到底有沒有了解過我是什麼人是怎麼表現在意的。
但是她一個氣頭上，我沒有必要跟她針鋒相對，我沒有跟她證明我是怎樣的人。我需要證明什麼啊？我為什麼要強辯自己是有多在乎她啊？難道要我切腹自殺割脕謝罪嗎？
我讓她唸完，我吸了一口氣只說：看來我們做不成朋友了，晚安。

就這樣了，我又跟一個人分手了。為什麼我老是那個提出分手的人？受不了我的人為什麼不果斷點呢？就說你不想要再理我了，我ＯＫ的啦。不要一直數落我還不自己走，等我說了，你又可以再多加一項罪名在我身上，說是我要分手的。我不在乎了，我們已經不是朋友了。

things you never know

1. The big old man somehow treats me like his pen pal. No one seems to like him. He was like a concrete wall with the physique of a basketball player. I had always thought that he looked down on people not only because of his height but also because of his pride. Rumors say that he is so so so proud of himself and his accomplishment to the medical field. I did and do pay respect to him. However, I was never afraid of him. For me, he was the big boss, and business is business, nothing personal. Now, he and I are friends. Seriously. He would email me his excitement on a trip to Taiwan and another trip to China. He would email me his great experiences in those countries. He would wish me have a great time and take care and use different fonts here and there. I am wondering whether he has grandkids. I could be his grandkid or a friend who can listen to him and say something back without being worried about my career.

2. I met the boy who was my first love fantasy even before I fell in love with Andy Lau. After 20 years, I could still see why he attracted me back then, but I do not see any attraction any more. I never told a soul about him at the time when having a feeling for him. I was too young and too busy. In a couple of years, I moved my fantasy to movie stars and got distracted by another boy who later got married at the age of 20. Things have evolved into very different things. At each stage, there is a certainty. At 11, I was certain that he would never love me and so I would keep the secret forever. At 21, I was certain that I would never feel more alive than having such a wonderful college career. At 31, I was certain that I would never know who I will meet and who I will keep in touch in the next 10 years.

3. My brother got the job. Mama emailed me the good news. I was so happy for her and of course for my bro. I always believe in mama. However, she always has doubts. She is afraid that she raised me and my bro in a horribly wrong way. So horrible that both of us are strong heads and independent thinkers. It is not horrible at all. It just makes our lives tougher because we believe we can do what we want to do and because we are so not listening to others. We want our own careers instead of a path set up by parents or a position prepared in a family business. Finally he made it! He learned it the hard way, but he earned it hard.

4. Taipei is so lovely. Of course, I have always loved it. However, the last trip touched a string in my heart that I had thought it would not happen until mama's hair got all silver. I felt acceptance. I felt that Taipei accepted my existence. I have run away for eight years, away from the traditional burden on women, away from the pressure for holding different opinions on being happy. This time around I did not feel out-of-place and I felt that I could possibly move back.

5. Work piles up as it always does. I did not make a to-do list at the end of my trip back to US, which is rare. Something made me relaxed. I am not going to slack off but I will re-pace myself. Time to reset.

6. I accidentally reset my iPhone and lost every thing. EVERY thing. Arhh... all the pictures taken in Taipei disappeared. The pictures with grandma and friends... Now I am trying my best to reconstruct every moment when I had meals and meetings with them. Never ever try to be a smart arss when being attacked by jet lag.