get a hole

Sometimes, I want to get a hole and push someone into it. However, life is not perfect. My life, in particular, can be difficult.
I am not going to complain about certain managers who thought they were leaders but actually they are simply managers because of their positions.
I am not going to talk about recent events that made me frustrated about certain situations where I believe things could have turned out more enjoyable if those managers were actually behaving like real leaders.
You know what? I am going to keep thinking about spatial neglect, and neglect their existence for four days when I am in Boston meeting my old colleagues, chatting about science.

On the other hand, my life is not the worst kind. Even though not much exciting news happens, the fact that I can sleep for 8 hours everyday is pretty nice. Physicians get up super early and work for long hours. Long commuters get up super early and spend long hours in transportation. Mothers with young babies get up super early and sleep occasionally. I fall asleep when Superstar talks to me. I sleep well even when the next-door night club turns up the bass until 2am. Oh, I should stop playing "Max Injury" game on iTouch. I should have my 8 hours.
My eyes will close, and I am in a black hole, hiding from things that make my life difficult.

忽略

他就是過不了中線, 他不知道他的世界是一般人的一半, 他不知道他失去了一半的世界, 他不認為他畫的人他畫的花他畫的鐘都只有一半, 他不知道我為什麼要他一直描同一條線, 他可是樂此不疲的一直描, 從右手邊描到中間, 卻不明瞭我希望他描過中線描到左手邊. 他不知道什麼是左手邊, 他可以舉起左手, 他可以告訴我他的左手在哪裡, 護士在他的左手臂打針他會說他不要他會喊痛, 但是平常沒必要的時候他的左手卻像是一長條多餘的抱枕, 懸著, 被忽略著, 像是所有在他左手邊的任何人事物, 不存在了.

我不知道該怎麼辦, 到底可以怎麼辦, 他已經活過一般美國男人能活的年歲, 他有一家子人愛他關心他, 他甚至正在經歷著教課書裡定義的典型的半側忽略（感謝蔡醫師告訴我 spatial neglect 的中文翻譯）, 他成了我的教課書, 他真的活的很精彩呢.
但是我除了嘗試所有有趣的已經被發現的現象, 我不知道該怎麼辦, 該怎麼幫他和他的家人, 幫他重新體驗完整的世界.
重點是他不知道他失去了那一半, 他不懂我到底要幫他什麼, 他只是想回家.
如果他知道他失去了一半, 他會努力去做任何事情來重獲那一半, 他會知道他梳頭只梳一半, 他會知道他只刮了半邊臉, 他會知道他有一支袖子沒穿上, 他會知道他的眼鏡有一邊是歪的沒掛在耳朵上, 他會知道他只吃了一半的早餐, 沒喝到的果汁其實就在盤子的另一邊, 他會知道房間裡有兩個櫃子,他老找不到的文件其實在左邊的櫃子裡. 但是左邊對他來說是不存在的. 他不知道如果他能夠再次發現左邊的世界, 他就可以回家了.

晚上在餐廳裡吃飯, 隔壁桌的食客忽然癲癇了起來, 倒在地上. Kimberly 立刻向前, 表明自己是醫生, 問他什麼名字我們在哪裡今天吃藥了沒之類的問題, 他什麼也答不出來, 他的朋友不讓我們幫忙, 說就讓他在地上躺一下, 他會自己恢復意識的, 說他這樣已經好一陣子了.
後來救護車來了, 他的確慢慢恢復正常意識, 卻也不願意被送去醫院. Kimberly 幫不上忙, 我當然更是沒用, 一種“我真是沒用“的失落.

我每天都有這種失落, 幫不上忙的失落. 工作上, 我的病人們難以恢復, 他們的病根難以探究. 生活上, 我的生活習慣達不到要求, 不是太胖就是太懶, 不是太容易妥協就是太堅持己見. 親情裡, 許多時候只能聽著抱怨卻看著情況繼續惡化. 人際關係裡, 太多表面造作的你好嗎我很好, 莫名其妙的明爭暗鬥. 我不知道該怎麼辦做個有用的人. 幫不上忙. 我幫不了那些病人, 幫不了我自己, 幫不了家人朋友.
然後只有忽略這個失落的想法, 我才能繼續過每一天.
然後聽到的新聞又提醒我我有多麼幫不上忙, 然後我只好再忽略我的情緒, 然後再繼續過每一天.

忽略, 造就這一切庸庸碌碌.

superstars

Last year, I found a superstar.

From Crazy Halloween

This year, I found that I've had a superstar in my life:

From Halloween 2009

This morning, mama and I took a walk in the streets, covered with yellow and red leaves and with Halloween spooky decorations. It reminded me of the summer day when I was 15. We took a walk in the ZhongShan North Road in Taipei, simply walking and talking, enjoying trees and people. Over the years, mama and I have changed and stayed the same.



Judy left.
On the most beautiful day of this fall. The sky was cloudless and blue. The breeze brought scents of leaves. The air was fresh after two days of rain. The sun was bright and warm.

I met Judy when I was eleven. We were about the same height so we sat in the last row of the desks in the classroom. But how did we become close friends? I cannot recall. I think I was admiring her beauty.
She carried herself so elegantly confident even at the age of eleven. She always stood and sat straight. She smiled, lowering her head. She pronounced perfect clear Mandarin, and I believed she would become a news anchor on TV. She was always polite in words and in action. All these qualities distanced herself from most of the teenagers in school but attracted teachers' attention as well as mine.
I wanted to be like her or to be her.

A year later, she left to another junior high. One year after high school, she moved to the States. After college years, she moved to London. Two and half years ago, she moved to New York. And we met again. Two days ago, she left New York.
Like seasons, she has been in and out of my life, at the same time stayed in my life.
Her beauty has remained. Now she still carries herself confident, elegant, and polite. She now also speak British-American English. I wish she would not become a news anchor on TV in Taiwan for she is capable to be something better.

Over the years, I have had been over the crush on her and admired other people serving as my models. I have grown to be myself. Over the years, finally we both experienced unbearable domestic situations, got hearts broken, got hurt, felt love, and more. We both stand on our own feet and move forward fiercely while remembering how to breathe.
I wish she becomes a superstar with a stronger heart. And be well and happy.


~HAPPY BELATED HALLOWEEN~

Halloween 2009

隱私

隔壁桌坐了一對男女，女的在問男的要怎麼改寫她的履歷表和教學理念，很顯然的她正在申請大學教職，她的專長在伊朗和印度電影，男的專長在怎麼用寫作來突顯這女的專長。

一開始男的在解釋履歷分兩種，一種是學術界的長長履歷，越多頁表示資歷越多或是成就越多。一種是寫給業界的，越簡要越好，重點在怎麼把突顯自己有多麼適合應徵的職務。他說他在研究所的修過一門寫履歷的課。

我差點把咖啡噴出來。先生，你哪裡畢業的？居然有開專門寫履歷的課，太坑學分費了吧。

女的一面點頭一面寫筆記。然後開始解釋教學理念，她想要開一門討論伊朗或是印度電影的課，她講的不清不楚，似乎對自己想要敎什麼並沒有完全的把握，不之所以然的重覆著「是啊，你知道的，就是藉由電影表現當地的文化。你知道的。」

you know 是普遍的口頭禪，表示說話的人其實不太知道怎麼表達。You know.

男的很專業的跟她說「文化」包含的意義和範疇太廣，這個表現不出她的專才，要再更明確一點。他問她能不能闡述印度電影的特色，她開始長篇大論，她講到一個段落，男的換句話說把她剛剛說的話轉成漂亮的用詞遣字，男的一邊說女的一邊抄寫。女的寫完，一個字一個字唸出她寫的段落，男的再加以修改。女的對伊朗電影的教學理念也用同樣的模式變成筆記本上的墨印。

前前後後三個小時，我聽得一清二楚，我說我快聽不下去了，那男的聲音好討厭，那女的怎麼一副笨蛋樣卻要當教授。
我以為當女的收起筆記本，他們也該離開了。並沒有，開始閒聊天氣，男的說這季節很容易生病，例如他得了H1N1 (aka "swine flu")，他說他已經痊癒了，他說他的症狀沒有發燒卻是喉嚨很痛。
我立刻跟班比說我們該遠離這裏了。

我常常覺得當隔壁桌的聽到我跟班比只用中文對話的時候，他們的音調就會提得更高，似乎認為我們這兩個異鄉人一定會讓出英文的對話空間給他們使用。他們在想什麼啊？在美國，只有美國人只會一種語言。

我跟班比常常評論隔壁桌的對話，然後猜測對話的兩個人是什麼關係，還有我們喜歡他們的程度。我們的悄悄話一點也不需要掩飾，可以很刻薄很直接，訓練我們一定要用中文表達一些字眼或是概念，否則隔壁桌會設下心防越講越小聲，那麼我們去咖啡廳和熱門餐廳的樂趣就會減低了。

前幾天，我們在法拉盛的一家以小籠湯包聞名的餐館，高朋滿座而且九成華人，食客都很有禮貌的維持自己的聲量，我們也不會說人是非，畢竟那場子裡中英文都可以通的。後來進來一男一女，女的說「要快的，我們要開會呢」，男的就跟夥計說「來籠湯包」，夥計說湯包要等，女的就說「不能等，我們趕時間」，夥計說「要快，麵最快」，女的瞄了我們的桌子一眼問：「他們吃那什麼麵？那什麼餅？」於是整家店都知道我們吃什麼麵什麼餅。
終於他們決定了要點什麼菜，我跟班比翻了翻眼，那男的手機嘹亮的響了起來，他接起來就吼「喂！做什麼？吃飯啊。在餐館。怎麼樣？等一下開會呢，是啊」
班比小聲跟我說：「中文比英文更難防堵，一定聽得到聽得懂。」我把聲音放亮了說：「要不要我打電話給你，然後我們兩個就面對面用手機說話，因為隔壁的太大聲了。」
我不確定那對男女有沒有聽見，我只知道當他們的麵上桌的時候，女的說「不說話不說話了，趕緊吃吧。」

隱私是相對的，你哭你的，我大聲嚷嚷我的，你談你的情，我繼續講我的手機，你閒話你的，我聽我的。沒有人在分享，沒有人說不準偷聽。沒有人說陌生人不能加入。

job interviews

Do they seriously want to get this job?
Do they know that there are certain things you do not say or do in a job interview?

One guy sported his hair long, so long that it covered his eyes sometimes. He walked not just with his back hunched, but also with arms hanging as if he neglected them and let them dangle to all directions. Hm... Excuse me? We are in a Research Center, working closely with hospital staff and patients. We're not hiring an artist (even an artist should show me some respect in a job interview).

Another person had his first question on the salary rate. He also chose not to tell me that he had been accepted to a medical school next year. This information was leaked from his reference contacts. Well... asking salary in the first encounter is so not recommended. And it is bad that I found out something which could have been told directly from the applicant.

Another applicant literally used the f word in the conversation with my boss.

One lady shook hands with zero grip force as if I was holding a weightless patient who would die in the next minute. Hello? Are you so scared or nervous? Stand straight and play it as you mean it! Don't run away before I say "nice meeting you and goodbye".

A person's writing samples were lack of titles, headers, references, or anything close to a standard writing format such as APA. Hey... this is not acceptable. Please take care each detail before submitting anything for job application.

I thought how to behave in a job interview followed rules of common senses.
You pay attention to your interviewer. You look directly into her eyes. You nod. You smile. You say thankyou often. You shake hands firmly. You ask questions. You initiate conversations leading her to talk. You, actually, should be a listener, and only talk when necessary. When talking, you say everything as if you are the expert: concise, appropriate, to the point, and importantly, humble.
You have to perform all these especially if you have not much working experience at all in the field that you want to work.
You smile. You nod.

The worst applicant I have ever encountered was a Clinical Psychologist, applying for the fellowship. He gave a job talk that contained no contents. He only had 5 slides including the title page, which in fact did not bear a title of his "talk". The first slide he presented his name and the location of his presentation, which everyone knew was the Research Center. So the topic was himself or the Research Center?
It turned out the topic was himself because he spent 15 minutes saying how good he was as a clinician and a researcher while providing no evidence. "Oh, I am very good at stats. I didn't bring the data today, but I participated in this and that studies, meaning I am very good. Trust me. I am good."
When asked to describe his research projects, he avoided the question but kept saying his rich experience in data analysis and how nerdy he could be to finish work at home while raising his young children.
I had only one question to him: Do you know what a job talk should be like? But I didn't ask. He was not hired.

I am receiving more applications for the RA positions. Some applicants live far away. I don't understand why anyone would like to relocate to another state for an entry-level job. Perhaps the job market is actually this bad. Other applicants have no clue about the Research Center and think they can work here without a driver's license.
As I interviewed more applicants, I found myself filtering CVs with criteria on school name, major, and school performance. Yes, records do matter. How am I supposed to guess if you are a good candidate? I guess based on your records. If I cannot make a decision based on my guess, I invite you for an interview.
Two applicants I met were from the same school, the same program. What a lesson, I thought after I met them, and the lession is I will not interview any of grads from that program any time soon.

Yesterday, I was waiting in my office. The applicant was 15-minute late for her appointment. I would give her 5 more minutes and delete her name from my record. As if on cue, my phone rang. The receptionist informed me that this young lady was actually here on time, but she was busy receiving other visitors' registration and let the applicant wait for 15 minutes. I suddenly had a good feeling about this candidate, who was able to have a stranger apologize for her.
I walked over to pick her up. She slowly turned her head while hearing the approaching sound of my heels knocking the floor. "Dr. C?" She has the most innocent eyes. I smiled and offered my hand, "Hi! I am Pei." She immediately stood up, shaking my hands, smiling, with her eyes smiling as well, "Hi! I'm a person whose eyes can smile." No, she did not say that. But I can't reveal her real name here.
Smiley-eye had me at that moment.
She paid attention to her interviewer, me. She looked directly into my eyes. She nodded. She smiled. She said thankyou often. She shook hands firmly. She initiated conversations leading me to talk. When asked with questions, she answered calmly, consicely, and appropriately. She sat at the first half of the chair with her back straight. She smiled. She nodded.
Even though she did not have much experience in working with clinical populations, I feel that she would become very good at it. Patients would love her.
RAs and Jenny then met her, and liked her very much. So I told her at the end of the interview that we decided to invite her back for the second interview. Her eyes smiled again.

First impression does matter.
Since long time ago, Mama has told me that beauty matters. Beauty can be presented in many ways. Being confident and neat and respectful actually brings impression of being beautiful. People like seeing beautiful people. If you offer something attractive at the first sight, the chance of getting being known and liked is much higher.

You, before examinig yourself, don't complain that the market is tough and you cannot get a job. Behave and be prepared like you really want the job.