除夕的時候

2002年的除夕我在做甚麼? 那一年是我上一次在台灣過年, 我想不起來我去了哪裡又做了甚麼, 大概跟今天差不多, 看電視殺時間, 等待晚上那一餐, 然後等待午夜的鞭炮聲.
從小就不愛過年, 今天也沒有因為十年沒過年而特別興奮, 倒是有些許焦躁, 誰知道下次跟家人過年要待何時.

過年的重點不是在哪裡過, 是跟誰過.

去年我在一個國際會議上跟同事長官過年, 大家應和應和的跟我說新年快樂, 我微笑以對老美虛假的笑容下, 心裡打定主意一年後一定要跟家人過年. 家人不願意遠行, 那我就回老家啦.


這幾年回台北, 我都睡在我不熟悉的房間裡, 被熟悉的書櫃衣櫃圍繞著, 我大概知道抽屜裡有甚麼東西, 但也沒想要打開整理一番. 這回我清了兩個櫃子, 總共四層的物品裡, 將近八成變成了垃圾, 因為我想不起來那些東西的重要性.
如果哪一天非得把櫃子也丟了, 那廉價的夾板門必須要仔細的拆下來放進玻璃箱裡, 因為那上頭有一張小小的拼貼海報, 記錄著青攸君幫我慶祝十九歲的生日.
除夕, 就是要去蕪存菁的等待一個開始.

好歹也在台灣過了二十幾次的年, 今晚要有不一樣的開始: 午夜去行天宮看人擠人搶著跟神明拜年.

祝大家都找到自己的方向往前過個好龍年, 也過好這一年.

goals and objectives

Tomorrow I am meeting with my boss to discuss my goals and objectives in 2012.
I don't think I can ever get used to this corporate model of running academic business. Or perhaps I have not been in an academic business, and I have pretended that I were.

Reading Steve Jobs reminds me of a few people I met in the past decade. I currently am in Chapter 10 and have learned that he was such a dick in his 20s. I have met a few dicks in my 20s. He was definitely a combination of all of them.
But I do admire how he was convinced that he was special and living for a great purpose. I want to be convinced by that feeling about myself as well.

I am special and living for a great purpose.
Reality is constructed by one who perceive it. Even if it is distorted, it is the reality perceived.

My goal of 2012 is to have a purposeful year. To achieve this goal, I am going to demonstrate that I am special in an irreplaceable way.

Alright, this is a nice start of the first business day of the year.
See you tomorrow, the second business day of the year.

good-how-are-you

I prefer to say "hey" rather than "how are you?" every time when I meet a coworker in the hallway.

That means I can never become the CEO of my organization. The CEO always takes time to stop,  looking into my eyes, smiling at me (even his eyes smile), and asking "How are you?" with each word articulated (instead of howareyou). He presents this common greeting so sincerely that I feel guilty if I don't provide a true answer.
No one provides the true answer to howareyou. Because there is only one answer, which is goodhowareyou. Seriously, I say it like a word not four.

I would like to change the office atmosphere by greeting with "hey" or simply nodding upward at the person crossing my path. This would reduce dishonesty for a tremendously amount.
For one thing, most people do not care how I am. They just want to be polite, be friendly, and be considered as "professional".
For another reason, most people say good-how-are-you in the same way as I say it and do not mean they feel good at the moment.
Therefore, if this kind of pointless exchanges can be eliminated once and for all, there is less dishonesty flowing around in the work place.

My profession requires precision in every word I produce in writing or speaking. Greeting with how-are-you-good-how-are-you is totally imprecise and boring.
Many non-Americans argue that Americans are superficial. The truth is everyone is superficial, but Americans highlight this human trait by over-using this seemingly caring conversation. When they finally decide to care, they would say "Seriously, how are YOU?" If they have not put themselves in the situation of being explicitly superficial, there would be no need to clarify the actual intention of the question when they really care. 

Americans who are as busy as me would agree with me. They do not exchange that meaningless conversation. They smile and nod and pass me by. When I ask "How are you?" they start talking about their houses, children, pets, vacations, and boring meetings. They desire a chunk of time for being cared so that they can take a breath, think about themselves, complain about meaningless things making them busy, and end with "So how are you?"
And I say "Good."
So that we can proceed to reach the original purpose of the meeting.
I am professionalized. Sigh.


Or I don't know how I am. "Good" is an easy answer.
I am not used to being cared verbally.
I am not sure how to answer that question. I have no conscious access to that part of me. I have indicators though. When my work load is over to certain level, I have dreams in which I was in my high school classroom worrying about exams. When my personal life sucks, I feel drowsy all the time. When things go well at work, I work more. When things go poorly at work, I am silent.

I have four manuscripts waiting for me to revise. I am supposed to resubmit a grant. I am applying for two new IRB protocols. I am grading 13 final papers from students. I am spending time composing this blog entry. I am good.
Perhaps I will dream about the high school classroom tonight. But last night, I dreamed of the unborn baby of my cousin. I saw its face. I myself was a girl named "Louis" from the Middle East. Such random dreams make me wonder whether I am good.

Don't ask me. Just say hey.  

Irene Weekend

On Friday at work, people were talking about Irene and how they were preparing for its arrival. A co-worker who also lived in Hoboken kindly informed me that she would stay with her relatives in South Jersey, and if I wished to park my car in her apartment building, I could go to blah blah blah. I seriously did not write down her address and let the information enter and leave my head.

My attitude to this event was the same as my attitude to the earthquake incident several days ago. Come on, that earthquake was not that terrifying in comparison to every quake I had experienced in Taiwan. And please, it's just a hurricane. Like a typhoon. Nothing to worry about.

On the second thought, however, I was worried about Hoboken. The town always got flooded if it rained more than three hours. Hoboken has the worst drainage system I've ever seen. Every time when it was flooded, my 30-minute commute could become a 2-and-half-hour journey.
So the level of my worry increased as the day went by. Before noon, the CEO announced that we had an early closing for all employees to go home and prepare for the storm. That was a really nice gesture, and I totally accepted it.
I drove back to Hoboken and carefully parked bungbung at a spot where no tree or power line was able to fall on it. And I went shopping for food.
The scene in the supermarket was quite dramatic: Half of the store was empty. With the sun and breezes in the late afternoon, people were really scared with the thought of a storm coming to starve them.

I stayed home over night, checking the news constantly. Mama and superstar called and made sure that I was alright. Superstar suggested me drive away and stay somewhere else in case Hoboken got flooded badly. Before going to bed, I decided that I would decide whether to move bungbung to a garage in the morning.
All the information I took in, however, made me sleepless. Correction: I only had six hours of sleep. I drove on the streets around 7am on Saturday and found that all the garages were full. Eventually, I parked on a street that was on the top of this hilly town and that there was no tree or power line around. I sat by the sidewalk for about 15 minutes and convinced myself that this was a good decision.
Satisfied, I went to purchase batteries and candles. I went home and waited for the storm.

I was pretty calm until a call from the mayor of Hoboken. It was her voice message telling all residents "Run for your life! Leave! If you parked your car on the street, it'll be towed." I frowned and reacted to the message: I packed and left.
Well, to tell this story more accurately, I went online to see the projected path of the hurricane and decided that I should go northwest in order to avoid it. Binghamton was just outside the path, and I know someone there. So I booked a hotel room near Binghamton and I packed and left. This move on Saturday was the start of my long Irene weekend.

Thanks to Joey, I had two dinners with a funny companion. Talking to a friend who just started his American life as a PhD student made me humble, setting me back to summer 2002... when I landed in State College, PA on Aug 13 that year, it was pouring with lots of thunders. Yes, I came into a storm with a general direction but no idea what was waiting for me. And now I'm driving around by myself in this country, trying to outrun a storm. Life is funny.
Yes, I stayed for two nights. It was crazy. When I woke up on Sunday morning, I found the power was out and the storm had successfully chased me to Binghamton. Damn broadcasting! Binghamton was supposed to be storm free! Anyway, I sat in dark with the sounds of rain and wind. Immediately I called the front desk to make sure that I was not dreaming. The front desk confirmed my fear.

I put myself together, got dressed, and went to the lobby for coffee. It was full of people running away from New Jersey or New York. In dim light, people were greeting, and children were laughing. For me, it was a good feeling that I was not in this mess alone.
A family tried to check in, but the front desk could not take them in. I felt bad: I was only one person occupying a suite with a non-functioning jacuzzi. This family of four had to wait if anyone checked out by noon. I was thinking I probably should ask if Joey could take me in.
Suddenly, the power was back! A smile immediately came to my face. Everyone was cheered up.
I went back to my room and watched all the news channels about the storm. I checked online to see if Hoboken was under water. Yes, Binghamton was flooded here and there. The river near Joey's place might crest. In Hoboken, every where but my street was flooded, meaning that there was no way for me to drive back today. The news about Hoboken also included that "live" power lines were down in the flood water, and if you walked in it, you might get electrified. It said that you should not walk outdoors or even walk your dogs at all because the flood water was so dangerous and toxic.
The more information I was receiving, the more I leaned toward the idea of staying for one more night. Before Joey could answer my request, I booked the room for another night.
I did not dare to drive outside because the news anchors and the weather reporters were telling me the town where I was staying just got 8 flood alerts and warnings. What the...  I wished Joey was alright and tried to reach him. And it turned out that he was just vacuuming his apartment and did not hear the phone ring. Oh well.

Driving back home on Monday, I enjoyed a pleasantly sunny day. Driving through the mountains at 120km/hr (80 m/h) for three hours gave me some happiness.  The scenes I drove by from New York, Pennsylvania, briefly Delaware, to New Jersey looked no trace of the hurricane. This storm did not do as much damage as I thought. I realized how Americans lived in fear induced by the media that was funded by the insurance industry. I just spent more than 300 dollars related to storm preparation, gas, and hotel rooms. I still believed that my car would have been fine at that parking spot I found for it, and that I would be safe and sound staying in my apartment for the weekend. 

However, when I approached Hoboken, I found it almost impossible to get into Hoboken. Many ramps were closed. Many roads were blocked. I did not see flood, but see police cars blocking roads.
On Tuesday back to work, the time I spent on the road doubled because of random road closure.... Arh... I hate it sometimes that over the years I actually have gained more patience, or learned helplessness, to road situations.

Here are some clips of flooded Hoboken. After viewing these, I was very glad that I drove away from it. Thank you, Mayor Zimmer.



This one is scary only for people who know what this park looked like before the storm....




Bye, Irene.

公務員般

我弟在個大公司上班一個月後的感想：像是公務員一樣。
公務員至少有兩個負面的特徵：固定的上班時間和例行的工作內容。

我朝九晚五，可是絕大多數做學術研究的人都沒有固定的「上班時間」。上班時間要上引號因為做學術研究這行業是隨時都可以工作，包括不在辦公室的時候。我經常晚上或週末在家裡工作，只是因為辦公室離我滿遠的，不然我寧願在辦公室做事。
我認識的金融業、建築業、醫療業、電子業的朋友們每天都工作至少十個小時，而且他們的業務一定要在辦公室或是家裡之外的工作場所才能執行，公務員應該不會羨慕他們。

固定的上班時間應該不是我弟抱怨的重點，應該是工作內容。重複做類似的事情的確是滿難有成就感的，要怎麼被上司賞識到然後換來多一點變化（多元的工作 = 多項工作）就看本事了。

大部分的人對別人行業的工作型態都是不了解的，可是我認為每一條路的歷程是類似的，學術研究的路跟其他行業的路沒有多大差別：定大方向　->　起頭　-> 階段性目標達成　-> 決定要不要繼續走下去　-> 下一個階段完成 -> 遇到貴人和好時機　-> 往上爬一層換個稱謂　-> 遇到好市場，受到多方注意　->　往上躍一層，贏了聲譽　->　市場繼續看好　->　往上飛一層　-> 　十年後還在那裡　-> 　穩座上位

這條路要走多久，看個人造化。我十五歲時就定了大方向，十八歲就起頭，二十七歲階段性目標達成，二十九歲決定要繼續走下去，希望有一天可以當教授。
Ｃａｔｈｌｅｅｎ四十三歲升上教授，Ｔｏｂｙ今年應該五十歲了才升上副教授，這一切都跟學術智力無關，而是社交智慧和研究主題決定了如何走順這條路。

成功要如何衡量？往上爬的速度嗎？還是堅持下去的時間？稱謂大小嗎？聲望嗎？還是收入？
無論用哪一個衡量方式，公務員也是有機會成功的。

如果工作真的是無聊到爆，至少腦力可以空出來想想第二條路。過去十年我沒有發展任何可能的第二條路的能力，沒有時間沒有腦力，對任何事情都沒有很大熱情要做到專業。現在，我在同一個大領域做很多不同小領域的事情，不能算是第二條路，而算是衍生出來新的挑戰，公務員般朝九晚五的日子裡有滿多新的變化，各種不同小小的成就感讓我想繼續走下去。

我也有走不下去的時候，三年多前曾經有非常絕望的感覺，專業領域上的絕望，經濟上的絕望，語言能力上的絕望，私人情感上的絕望，越想越覺得自己在美國甚至回台灣都不可能有什麼前途的。可是我撐過去了，花了兩年時間寫了三次的研究經費終於拿到了，剛好也過完薪水悲慘的博士後研究員生活，人開朗了，什麼事情似乎都又有了希望。「撐下去」三個字是很多人沒有辦法做到，但是有的時候就是成功的原因。我還沒成功啦，但是也還沒失敗，正在祈求＂遇到好市場，受到多方注意＂的那個里程碑。

如果用結果來定義成功，那麼我的路可能要走很久，可能比 Toby 久。所以過程開不開心很重要，慢慢來沒關係，我選擇住在Hoboken，不再在太陽下山後就提心吊膽或是無所事事；我選擇把時間優先權給班比和麻嗎，晚上周末做不完的事情，第二天還是可以做的；我選擇散步慢跑瑜珈，不要醒著的時間都盯著電腦或是開著車。

除了那兩個負面的特徵，公務員這個詞還有一個特徵，但是對我來說不是負面的。安定是我喜歡的，安定是一種外象的狀態也是一種心境。我知道我的定位，我的責任，我做得到和做不到的事情；我知道我是什麼角色，我可以是什麼角色，我可以讓別人認為我是什麼角色；我知道薪水每兩個禮拜會發下來，我知道我一年有二十五天的假。

如果用幸福感來定義成功，目前我是比每天做例行事務的公務員來的成功。
（還好我不認識任何公務員。。。）