Pearl Harbor

Pearl Harbor

I arrived in Honolulu, 7:30 pm April 8th. It took me more than an hour to drive to the hotel. Not that it was far from the airport, but it was that all the street names looked alike (and sounded alike if I tried hard to pronounce them). So I missed turns and went to strange places although the car-rental clerk had told me it was easy to get to the core of Waikiki from the airport; "just follow H1 and then 92 east" she said.
After picking up mama the next morning, I agreed with the clerk that it was quite easy.
Navigating in Oahu is easy in general. The network of the highway is not complicated. The signs are clear. The roads are in good conditions with few potholes. The only thing I have to complain is the traffic lights. One night when we were driving back from the west to the hotel, meaning we needed to go through Waikiki, green lights were followed by red lights, and lights seemed to stay longer red than green. For the same amount of time I could have walked back if I had abandoned the car right after getting H1 (the highway).

The Pearl Harbor is close to the airport. We went there after the morning session of the conference on April 10th. Yes, I did go to the conference before enjoying the vacation.
I am going to post more pictures of my Hawaii trip. Here is the first entry (just click the album cover above.) The pictures preserve more memory that my narratives. Aloha.

職場如戰場

去年夏天我們實驗室徵研究助理, 來面試的大多是剛剛拿到碩士或是學士學位的小朋友.
有一個巴基斯坦媽媽頂著 MD 的學位來面試, MD 的直接翻譯是醫學博士, 其實就是醫生的意思, 並沒有比醫生厲害.
我老闆一開始就跟她說MD的資格超過研究助理的標準, 我們請不起她. 她說她願意做義工, 她想要學怎麼做研究, 只要能讓她留在實驗室裡她什麼都願意.
於是呢, 身為義工, 就歸實驗室經理管, 義工每天都要跟經理報備, 報備內容是越詳細越好, 因為經理認為經理的工作就是要對每一個下屬瞭若指掌. 可是經理也有一個難題, 就是要幫義工找事情做.
經理常來問我有沒有什麼事情需要義工幫忙, 我剛好有一個新的研究計畫需要人力, 所以我就開始帶著巴基斯坦媽媽做事.

我們實驗室隨時都有一到三個擁有MD學位的人來當義工, 他們都不是美國人, 幾乎都是印度人. 印度MD義工的目的是要一封很漂亮的推薦信來申請美國住院醫生的職位. 在美國以外的地區拿到的醫生學位 (MD; medical doctor) 可以被認可, 但是有MD不代表能執業, 要有美國的證照才行. 要有證照就要有住院醫生的經驗, 要有住院醫生的經驗就要申請, 要申請就需要推薦信. 而且申請了不代表一定會申請到 (或者說"配對到"; 台灣也有類似的配對過程). 我在這裡工作三年裡, 至少有十個印度MD義工來, 只有兩個成功配對到, 其中只有一個第一次申請就申請到.

巴基斯坦媽媽沒有想要執業. 她當年在巴基斯坦拿到MD學位不久之後就到了美國結婚生子, 她的第三個小孩一出生就有身心上的障礙, 需要全天候的照顧. 去年這小男生滿十歲了, 巴基斯坦媽媽決定不要再做家庭主婦, 她依然想要追尋她從小一直想要擁有的職業生涯. 她說不是她不喜歡照顧他兒子, 只是她覺得那樣的生活不是她想要的, 曾經代表巴基斯坦醫學生到歐洲演講的她很渴望能夠學以致用.
她知道以她的年紀 (我猜四十多) 很難跟剛離開學校的人去搶住院醫生, 她現在只想要學習怎麼做臨床研究. 她沒有經濟壓力, 她老公擁有一家科技軟體公司, 她本來就不愁吃穿的. 她願意每天開單程至少一小時的車程來我們研究機構, 她就是想要學東西.

她果然跟其他義工很不一樣, 非常細心認真之外, 她問很多問題. 大部分的印度醫生都像是啞巴, 不打不鬧, 你叫他做超級無聊簡單的事情他就做給你看, 你叫他做有點難度需要思考的事情, 他悶頭就去做, 把提問題當作是丟臉的事情, 常常做不對, 罵他也不是唸他也不是, 所以我通常不愛發派印度MD義工做事.
我一開始設定好一個簡單的數據系統給巴基斯坦媽媽, 她用了不到一天就發現那套系統跟她的思考模式不合, 就來跟我討論, 我們一起弄出一套我們都同意的測量整理數據的系統, 她就去執行啦, 有問題就來問, 我一定都回答.
漸漸的她開始主動跟經理說她只想做我的研究計畫.
漸漸的經理開始來跟我抱怨巴基斯坦媽媽太有自己的想法, 都不愛按照既定的程序做事.

直到去年底, 她每天來做義工已經四個月了. 她問我該怎麼辦.
跟著我做事, 還有看其他研究助理做病人實驗, 她學不到做研究的基本道理. 我老實跟她說, 我老闆已經很坦白表示不聘她做研究助理, 我建議她回學校. 認真拿幾門研究方法的課, 再憑著她的MD學位, 她想要去哪裡都可以.
但是她說她就是想要留在我們研究機構裡. 於是她去找別的實驗室的老闆談, 談的結果就是他們歡迎她, 可是恐怕沒有預算給她全職, 只能負擔一個禮拜三天的時間. 於是她想要跟我老闆商量是否可以讓她另外兩天在我們實驗室繼續當義工, 或是拿學士級的薪水.
她這個主意先是跟我們研究室經理提起了, 經理就跟老闆說了.

突然劇情急轉直下, 老闆某個早晨跑來問我意見, 問我覺得我們應不應該僱用她. 我說不應該, 因為她當不了獨立作業的研究員(像我這樣), 也不適合當研究助理, 她卡在中間.
老闆於是跟經理聯決跟巴基斯坦媽媽會面, 說不雇用她的理由有二: 一, 研究室沒有預算; 二, 她不聽上司指示.
這第二點理由讓巴基斯坦媽媽非常震驚錯愕, 她覺得她被經理狠狠桶了一刀. 因為我老闆跟她並沒有天天往來, 都是經理在管理義工的作息還有跟老闆的報告.
然後我老闆說不會幫她寫推薦信. 這又是一刀. 在美國求職, 沒有推薦信等於是沒有履歷表一樣.
我老闆又說巴基斯坦媽媽已經不再是我們實驗室的一份子了, 可以珍重再會了.
這時呢, 巴基斯坦媽媽可能問了一句關於跟我未完成的計畫怎麼辦, 經理可能說了一句:"你要先跟我報備." 我用猜測的語氣, 是因為同一天下午, 一切就要爆發.

巴基斯坦媽媽來跟我說, 她想要完成我的研究計畫, 她希望我可以幫她寫推薦信. 我說我贊成, 但是我要先問老闆和經理的意見, 因為他們已經拒絕你了, 如果還天天看到你出現, 情況會有點尷尬.
所以我去跟經理說, 經理說: "我不是要她先來問我才去問你嗎 ? 她就是愛做自己想做的事情, 不聽我的指示."
在經理的堅持下, 她跟著我去找老闆. 我老闆說:"我們都已經跟她說要她走了, 她還去找你? 你想要留她嗎?"
我說: "她幫做我的事情不難, 可是需要很細心和很多時間. 如果她現在就走了, 我要重新訓練一個人, 不如讓她專心做完這件事, 我可以就針對她在這個計畫的表現寫封推薦信."
經理跟老闆聽了, 點頭是點頭, 可是我可以感覺到他們的不認同. 老闆要我寫很小心很保守的推薦信以自保. 我說好.

我以為事情就這樣啦.
結果幾天後, 巴基斯坦媽媽跟實驗室經理在走道上打了照面, 指責經理是騙子, 騙我老闆說她辦事不力. 經理超級生氣, 跑來要我趕她走. 後來巴基斯坦媽媽也理直氣壯的來跟我說她沒做錯, 不懂為什麼經理就要她不名譽的走. 我說我不想選邊站, 但是如果你想把這個計畫做完, 就低調一點.
巴基斯坦媽媽不知道是得理不饒人, 還是裝天真, 她依然出席實驗室相關的活動, 還要求要跟我老闆去看診. 老闆跟經理都火了, 我幾乎要保不住她了.

今天在沒有告知我的情況之下, 老闆來了一封信, 她寫給電腦資訊部主任, 附件給我和經理, 說我會跟電腦資訊部聯絡, 減少巴基斯坦媽媽的帳號權限. 這根本就是抵著我脖子要我砍別人.
我深吸一口氣, 寫了一封正式的公文給電腦資訊部也寫給巴基斯坦媽媽, 信裡明確列出她的權限縮減到三個跟我研究相關的資料夾, 更是明明白白重申她已經不是我們實驗室的一員, 她還會在這裡都是因為我, 一旦計畫完成我就會終止她所有電子帳號的權限.

我在走鋼索.
我沒有必要要保巴基斯坦媽媽, 但是我已經答應的事很難反悔, 而且她是真的很好用的幫手.
我沒有必要跟老闆經理對頭, 但是我相信我沒有做任何危害實驗室聲譽的事情.
我保她是一個賭注, 大家在看我做的這個決定會不會有好結果. 研究成果我不敢說, 但是人情世故上, 根據行政人員的一些八卦風聲, 我, 佔上風.

new decade's resolutions

I have become a morning person.
Since last summer, I wake up no later than 6:30 and start my day around 8 with my coffee and my computer. I go home by 6 pm or earlier to enjoy the rest of day ... which lasts until 11.
I thought my life had gone hell.
I thought I had become a morning person.

In graduate school, when the school work was not crazy, I stayed up no later than 1 am during the week and partied no later than 3 am during the weekend. My day usually started at 9 or 10 am.
During the last year of my Pennsylvanian life, I woke up at 7:30 am every day, worked until 5-ish, practiced yoga until 7-ish, had dinner, and worked until midnight. I still partied hard during the weekend.
However, I did not like staying up later than 4 or 5am because I would fail to fall asleep or sleep long enough ... it turned out that I always opened my eyes around 10am. What a misfortune.

In college years, I never stayed up for studying because my brain was not working after midnight. I woke up 8-ish... not quite sure, but never too late to miss a class or miss breakfast before noon.

In high school years, I woke up at 5:30, left home around 6 so that I was able to arrive at school before 7:30 for my duty as the leader of the marching band.... what a stupid job now I think of it. No wonder I hated those years.

In junior high, I don't quite remember, but I know we had a test or two every morning before the first class. I never missed a test or a breakfast before the test... so I must have left home for school before 7 am.

In elemental school..... I really have no memory. However, considering that I went to bed at 9 pm every day, I must have got up early in the morning.

By all means, I never became a morning person. I have always been a morning person. I just cannot wake up early for a jog or an early-bird yoga class. But I do wake up early for having breakfast, reading, working, and chatting online with people physically far far away from me. Also, breakfast is important because I like it.

Yesterday was a snow day. I knew it would be a snow day, and I watched a 3-hour movie late and read a chapter of Harry Potter until 1am. And I got up at 8:30 on the snow day and worked until dinner time.
See the pattern? If there were no pleasure at all in what I have been doing, I should have made a whole different career than being a "research scientist".

Today my two bosses said something very meaningful to me. They did not say those things for complimenting my work. They did not announce a title onto me. They did not raise my salary. They probably did not know the meanngfulness of their words. They were just being themselves, my boss and mentor and all.
And then I felt it, the point of why I live my life in this pattern.

You don't understand it. You don't think about it. You don't plan on it. You feel it. It being the way of your life and possibly the meaning of your life.

Somehow my way of living fits the current society, and thus I live without anyone telling me that I should do otherwise. I don't work like an attending physician or hedge-fund analyst who seems to work too hard too often. I don't work like an actor or a dance teacher who seems to work for too little to survive.
So I think I am totally lucky. Also the fact that I live far away enough from people who may like to nag on my behavior is totally a bonus to my continuous obsession of getting up early to have a breakfast and read for work or pleasure.

So what is it? What is the point?
Sometimes, you feel you have to make a plan and make wise decisions to follow the plan so that you know you are on track to your goal. But I have made it to my goal three years ago: I got my degree.
Then I was lost in the most unremarkable life: looking for a job and looking for a way of living that was supposed to make me happy. I was depressed and lonely. I didn't know what defined my career. I didn't like my job. I felt like I was forced to be on this track to a pointless unexciting academia nerdy boring life, hanging out with uninteresting people who also lived uninteresting lives. At some point, I just wanted to be out. Out of everything. I wished I could just leave and drive until the car dies.

A title is not a career. Being a professor, a writer, a business manager, a dancer or a chef is not a career. A career has to be what a professor, a writer, a business manager, a dancer, or a chef is passionate about for at least five years to life time. A researcher means nothing. Someone told me that she wanted to do research and asked for my guidance. I was like... what? Please re-define your question. Research on what? And why?

Today I found it. Or felt it. Can't put an explicit word for it. But I felt it. The it that may define my career. I am gonna make a wish.
I wish I will truly accomplish something that changes a small part of the world. I don't fancy being rich. I do fancy being someone who does at least one good important thing for many people who really need it. And this one thing is good and important enough that I will be proud of myself when I'm about to leave the field to start a new career.

Two days ago was the 30th anniversary of my first step. Here are two goals for my next decade of walking on earth.
One: Remain excited about my research on cognitive neuropsychology and related rehabilitative techniques, and get proud!
Two: Leave it with pride, and start something entirely different and exciting!
Now I feel the purpose of being a morning person. I have a career, not a job. Pretty cool kind of feeling indeed.

十二月!

一切都要從 iPhone 說起...
幾個禮拜前, 我寫了一封短信給我弟, 他收到後跟麻嗎說我在美國過得很糟, 麻嗎一夜難眠, 台北時間凌晨五點她打來問我 "你還好嗎?" 我嚇了一跳, 回問 "你還好嗎?" 她以為我還在隱瞞, 又再問一次, 所以我跟她說我房間的暖氣超不暖, 我超可憐. 於是她堅持她要寄一條韓國電毯來.
郵局快遞跟她保證電毯會在我的農曆生日那天寄到, 於是她超開心的寫了一兩封信來跟我說明怎麼用電毯... 於是她每天都在詢問我收到電毯了沒.

農曆生日那天麻嗎打來說生日快樂, 當時我人正在年終晚會跟同事長官打哈哈, 每張圓桌上都放了一盆聖誕紅, 主持人說每一桌生日最接近的人可以拿走那一盆, 我立刻開心的接受, 然後驕傲的跟其他人說 "Today is my birthday, my mom just told me." 美國人一臉不解, 怎麼自己生日什後都不知道, 還要媽媽提醒. 他們很難理解很多事情的, 例如解釋 "民國幾年" 就很頭大.

一個禮拜之後, 我們實驗室自己的 secret santa 年終慶, 按往例大家會順便慶祝我的生日, 我收到一些聖誕禮物一些生日禮物, 開心之餘, 我老闆在 party 過後説大家今天就工作到這裡, 可以回家了. 我飆回家, 拿著昨天收到的包裹通知單, 衝到郵局去拿我的電毯.

喔, 對了, 為什麼我說 "一切都要從 iPhone 說起", 原來我每次用 iPhone 寫中文信寄給我弟, 他都收到文字與亂碼交雜的訊息, 至於他怎麼解讀成我過得不好, 我就不得而知了. 但是陰錯陽差的我收到電毯啦! 於是立刻用 iPhone 拍下影像寄給麻嗎, 麻嗎居然又是凌晨五點就掛網, 她說除了電毯還有其他驚喜, 我趕快打開電毯包裝, 嘿嘿, 發現三包海苔! 真是超愛麻嗎的!


然後我就沒完沒了的開始計畫自己的生日節目. 企圖用台灣時間開 party過生日, 因為美國時間已經被訂走了要吃茹絲葵. 結果... 超強暴風雪來襲, 我寫了一小段放在 Facebook 上：
1. Found myself stuck in the building because the snow right outside the door was too heavy and too deep... making the door impossible to be pushed open.

2. Yelled help to the passersby once I got a little air gap pushed out.

3. A man with a shovel rescued me. But I did not find him very satisfied with my gratitude. Well... I hesitated and decided not to give him money. I did not want to insult him. What he did was priceless.

4. Fed myself with breakfast after climbing to the grocery store and climbing back to my building.

5. Worked 4 hours straight.

6. I am starving again....

7. Got an FB message from Yvt reminding me that in Taiwan I'm officially 31!!!

8. Let's eat and drink and dance and be happy!!!



幫幫都幾乎滅頂
　

原本 30 分鐘的地鐵變成一個半小時, 大紐約地區整個癱瘓, 原本訂的餐廳也沒開門, 還好 Upper Westside 有滿多可以選擇的好餐廳, 我們一行六人進了一家義大利餐廳, 開開心心了三四個小時.



唱了歌吹了蠟燭



28號當天呢, 我先享受了天堂般的九十分鐘馬殺雞. Hoboken 的 Body Balance 是個很舒適的按摩工作室, Jovana 是我遇到最讚的按摩師~ 全身舒暢啊... 完全不理會我老闆狂寫來的信, 她想假裝不知道我今天休假嗎? 我這一個禮拜都休假啊, 有什麼要緊事, 請告知我秘書. 什麼? 我沒有祕書嗎? 那不好意思啊, 愛莫能助.

為了出門吃個晚餐, 踏過滿目瘡痍的市街, 雪水處處是, 可是歡笑滿滿, 大家似乎都對踏雪又愛又恨的. 整個 midtown 充滿觀光客, 聽不到紐約口音的英文, 聽不到英文.
終於吃到 Ruth's Chris 的牛排啦, 紅肉的天堂.



再吹一次蠟燭 :)
開心呢



所以十二月有快樂啊! 謝謝大家!

風雪夜

大風雪吹得所有的門都在響, 僅僅在我這層樓才兩個單位, 就有四個門, 據說是防火專門設計的, 但是我單純覺得我房東的強項就是擾民. 這四個門都在哐啷響, 不過它們都不直接迎著風雪就這麼囂張, 可見直接檔著暴風的那些門一定很努力站在崗位上. 我的窗戶也在響, 雪打在紗窗上的聲音還滿討人厭的, 嘻嘻酥酥. 雪打在冷氣機上沒什麼聲音, 但是冷風似乎可以灌進冷氣口滲進房裡來.
我盯著天窗, 風太大了, 圓圓的天窗積不了雪, 據說外面已經積了兩尺深了.
開玩笑, 我可是在賓州見過大場面的, 兩尺算什麼. 說老實話, 我一點都不想念賓州.

開心的時光總是過得特別快, 今年過得特別快, 讓我小小的感傷, 因為我有預感明年的現在一切就要不一樣了, 一起吃飯玩笑的人將要換場, 每隔一兩年就是一個週期, 有人要離場或是幾齣友情的戲就要落幕, 不得不向留學生的宿命低頭. 即使已經不是學生了, 周圍的朋友是留學生就逃不了聽著流行歌忍不住落淚的週期.

瀟灑都是不得以練出來的功夫. 活在當下的同時還是想要罵髒話, 開心得笑到臉都僵了, 一個轉身卻又擔心功夫練得油條了, 讓人真的覺得我不在乎了. 這八年多真的很傷神, 曾經某一段時期頗要好的朋友如今已經不知去向, 或是我跟他們單純的往不同的方向成長, 吃了素,信了主,結了婚,搬離美國東北,或是我默默的決定“就這樣了,祝你幸福". 然後我又截然一身.

於是我就窩在麻嗎從台北寄來的韓國超暖和電毯裡敲著鍵盤聽著風雪聲, 想想只有家人是最可靠的. 雖然我可靠的家人只有一個... 總比沒有好, 一個德國朋友好幾年沒有回鄉, 因為沒有一個家人是她喜歡的. 家人也是一種緣份阿.

風雪夜的年底, 我期盼明年的同一個時間我會說 2011 過得真快阿.