things you never know

1. The big old man somehow treats me like his pen pal. No one seems to like him. He was like a concrete wall with the physique of a basketball player. I had always thought that he looked down on people not only because of his height but also because of his pride. Rumors say that he is so so so proud of himself and his accomplishment to the medical field. I did and do pay respect to him. However, I was never afraid of him. For me, he was the big boss, and business is business, nothing personal. Now, he and I are friends. Seriously. He would email me his excitement on a trip to Taiwan and another trip to China. He would email me his great experiences in those countries. He would wish me have a great time and take care and use different fonts here and there. I am wondering whether he has grandkids. I could be his grandkid or a friend who can listen to him and say something back without being worried about my career.

2. I met the boy who was my first love fantasy even before I fell in love with Andy Lau. After 20 years, I could still see why he attracted me back then, but I do not see any attraction any more. I never told a soul about him at the time when having a feeling for him. I was too young and too busy. In a couple of years, I moved my fantasy to movie stars and got distracted by another boy who later got married at the age of 20. Things have evolved into very different things. At each stage, there is a certainty. At 11, I was certain that he would never love me and so I would keep the secret forever. At 21, I was certain that I would never feel more alive than having such a wonderful college career. At 31, I was certain that I would never know who I will meet and who I will keep in touch in the next 10 years.

3. My brother got the job. Mama emailed me the good news. I was so happy for her and of course for my bro. I always believe in mama. However, she always has doubts. She is afraid that she raised me and my bro in a horribly wrong way. So horrible that both of us are strong heads and independent thinkers. It is not horrible at all. It just makes our lives tougher because we believe we can do what we want to do and because we are so not listening to others. We want our own careers instead of a path set up by parents or a position prepared in a family business. Finally he made it! He learned it the hard way, but he earned it hard.

4. Taipei is so lovely. Of course, I have always loved it. However, the last trip touched a string in my heart that I had thought it would not happen until mama's hair got all silver. I felt acceptance. I felt that Taipei accepted my existence. I have run away for eight years, away from the traditional burden on women, away from the pressure for holding different opinions on being happy. This time around I did not feel out-of-place and I felt that I could possibly move back.

5. Work piles up as it always does. I did not make a to-do list at the end of my trip back to US, which is rare. Something made me relaxed. I am not going to slack off but I will re-pace myself. Time to reset.

6. I accidentally reset my iPhone and lost every thing. EVERY thing. Arhh... all the pictures taken in Taipei disappeared. The pictures with grandma and friends... Now I am trying my best to reconstruct every moment when I had meals and meetings with them. Never ever try to be a smart arss when being attacked by jet lag.

開心啊

八年來第一次幫麻嗎過生日啊！
不知道是她比我開心，還是我比她開心？
七點多先吃個早餐，聊天聊到十點多，然後各自在自己的電腦前做事做到十一點多，吃個午餐和水果。啊～　涼麵口味數十年如一日的熟悉，麻嗎蔬菜湯依然是沒有負擔的好喝，超大台灣水蜜桃多汁多甜又多果肉。
小小午休一下，看看公事，回應美國方面的文件，一個下午又過去了。

漢漢打扮體面帥氣，麻嗎拿著我神秘禮物，胚穿著班比巧手兩針的一片裙，我們三人出遊去！
好有全家福的幸福感。
感謝 Judy 介紹還幫忙訂位的餐廳，四知堂果然名不虛傳，三十年前的鄉下老氣氛，舒服的木桌木椅，老書老壺老擺設，柔和的燈光，無敵居家親切的招待。
小菜中的山葵立刻獲得麻嗎讚賞，清蒸海瓜子與絲瓜是鮮美極品，老闆特別為壽星準備的豬腳麵線更是驚艷... 入口即化的豬腳是我們祈求三十年的夢想啊... 因為阿嬤滷的豬腳總是硬梆梆又太鹹，每次回家大團圓，總是避開阿嬤視線，拜託她不要丟一塊豬腳在我碗裡。
今日全魚也是一級棒，是沒吃過沒想像過的烤全魚，魚肉裡竟然有馬鈴薯、梅子、檸檬的香味。
一桌好菜後，以為就沒啥新奇，可是讓麻嗎跟漢漢最讚賞居然是招待的甜點：香濃的仙草盛在紅豆湯裡，還有綿密的豆花。好久沒有出來吃館子吃得一家都開心呢，非常開心呢。


晚餐後的節目是去兜風，一路開到八里，在左岸吹夏夜晚風散步看淡水，玩到十點多才回家。
麻嗎說她累癱了。嘿嘿，我還滿得意的，我想我們都滿得意的。

光頭的背影

我認識幾個光頭佬，他們並不老，只是二十幾歲就禿了，索性就剃光了。
有兩個光頭佬的魅力不因為光頭而減少，他們曾經在不同的時間點增添我生活的樂趣，不過他們都已經不知去向了。

Heath算是瘦小但是精壯的體型，很 man 很宏亮的聲音。最常用的字眼是 f 開頭的那個字，是名詞動詞也是副詞形容詞，但是從不覺得他在罵人或是情緒化，他就是可以很有創意很生活化的用那個字交到很多朋友。
他有很多朋友嗎？我其實不是很確定，但是我倒是很欣賞他的直率，完全沒有一般美國白人裝模作樣的虛偽，他開心他不開心都直接表達。
我記得他說流利的法文德文和西班牙文，一點也不像典型的德州佬。我羨慕他去過很多地方，我也想要當考古學家。
他烤的牛排很好吃，道道地地的美式大塊牛肉，大火上烤十二分鐘五分熟，粗鹽加新鮮黑胡椒，那是我記憶裡很開心的一個夏天傍晚。在座還有誰聊了什麼話發生什麼事，我不太記得了。
然後呢？他說他戀愛了，他開著他的卡車回德州參加高中同學會，跟過去老同學再見鍾情？似乎是這樣的，總之他回來賓州後就說他戀愛了。認識他的人都滿意外的，Heath 不是不相信戀愛的嗎？
他很會攀岩，徒手攀岩的他像是蜘蛛，快速來去不畏地心引力。
他家裡放了一個倒過來的枯樹，根在上，粗粗的枝在下。還放了一張至少 4x6 的童年大頭照在客廳裡。他是我唯一認識的被領養長大的人。
我借他看 Before Sunrise 和 Before Sunset，而且一起在他家裡看完其中一部。
我對他的記憶就是這樣，不是很連貫，就在離開賓州時，我決定那兩部相隔九年的電影不再是我念念不忘的好作品了，Heath也不見了。
今天經過一個街角，一個帶著圓邊布帽的光頭佬讓我想起了 Heath. 啊，Heath 也愛穿很合身的 T-shirt 的。我沒有等那陌生人轉身，我已經看見 Heath 的笑臉，我繼續往前走。

偶爾這樣想起一個生命裡的過客，我淡淡的笑，他現在人在哪裡並不重要。

傷心事

她淚眼汪汪，這是第二次讓我撞見，她依然推說這是過敏反應。
我也是容易過敏的體質，今天的空氣品質可是很好的呢，炎炎夏日，有風，沒有花粉，沒有煙塵，也不是動物換毛的季節，這藉口實在太沒有說服力了。
我於是走進她辦公室，問 "Need a hug?"
街上常遇到身上掛著 "FREE HUG" 的年輕人，但是去擁抱他們的人不是很踴躍，像我這麼三八又愛抱抱的人都沒去抱過那些似乎在推銷熱情的陌生人。
今天我主動出擊了，珍妮點了一下頭，就在我懷裡哭了。我不是陌生人。

在我的工作環境裡，常常有陌生人告訴我很私密的事情，他們是中風病人或是病人家屬，都是很脆弱的人，我聽我點頭，我說 "我不能體會你的感受，因為我真的沒經歷過你正在經歷的事情，我很抱歉你這麼這麼不好受。"
如果自我介紹說我是神經認知心理學家，有些病人或是家屬就會很積極的問我腦傷可能怎麼影響他們的腦功能 (所謂認知是腦功能的一部份，包括空間感，時間感，五官知覺，語言，學習，記憶，注意力，動作控制，音樂能力，邏輯能力，人際相處等等），有些人還會記下我介紹的科普書。積極尋覓知識的病人通常都復癒的比較好，憂鬱的病人往往離康復的目的地非常遙遠。

當察覺同事難過的時候，我第一個反應通常是假裝沒看到，希望他們認為自己故作堅強的本事是很高超的。如果我拆穿他們，他們可能會很窘會更難過。再讓我看到一次，我就會私下去關懷一下。
個性使然嗎？經常有同事一進我辦公室就關上門，說要我跟說些我絕對要保密的事情。我的助理甚至拉我到遠離實驗室的房間，熱淚盈眶的說她的傷心事。我現在有好多人的秘密啊...　我聽我點頭我說 "我不能體會你的感受，因為我真的沒經歷過你正在經歷的事情，我很抱歉你這麼這麼不好受。"

珍妮的眼睛哭得太紅腫，掛著墨鏡跟我一起在中庭用餐，同桌的另外兩個同事不知所以，珍妮說她過敏，我笑說她對陽光過敏，珍妮接著說吃過什麼抗過敏的藥，Donnis and Malica 也附和起來說他們吃過什麼牌子的藥，聊到別的話題，笑笑鬧鬧一陣，回到辦公室珍妮的眼睛已經不紅了。
她表現的很專業，一樣準時上下班，一樣認真處理她的業務，我看得有點心疼。不過，上班工作跟同事哈拉其實是有療效的，她暫時不用面對那個傷心事。

我過得不錯，不只是還好而已，已經很久沒有太傷心的事了。
Time heals every wound. If you don't have health insurance, get a watch.
笑一個，就離傷心的核遠一點了。

shitty day

It is one of those days that I feel like shit, and I should have just stayed in bed the entire day.
However, it does not just happen today. It has been a process piling up shitty things, and boom today I got hit.

Let's blame the weather first. This summer is so unbearable. Roasted in the car. Frozen in the office. Burned under the sun. Drowsy under the shade. My hermit crab Bully 小霸王 was found bathing in the water dish when I came home today.
I usually did not mind the heat. But I did not sleep enough last night, and I am going through those days when the stomach area is cranky. My head feels spinning. A few hours ago I was wondering whether it was really a good idea driving 40 minutes to see a patient. I decided to give a try.

I liked this patient. He made me feel that I am doing something important. I did not want to re-schedule him or stand him up. If I did, he would have taken it very personally and depressed. When a person is so smart and successful professionally, he/she easily gets depressed after a stroke. This patient was a successful man, and his weight symbolizes his wealth. I arrived there and found nurse aides to transfer him from bed to chair. It took four people and a lifting machine to complete the transfer. At this point, I could not back up and have to give it a try unless everyone's effort was wasted. A smile was always on my face, covering my cosmetic-free expression.
I took the patient to a big room with sunshine. The session started. After 30 minutes, he was so frustrated by his performance that he got a headache and he wished not to continue. I respected his decision and calmed him down. He kept apologizing to me, and I kept saying that it was alright.

I keep saying to many people that everything is alright. Earlier today my assistant dropped me a news, and I smiled and accepted it and could not help but begin to plan the next step. My boss threw me "suggestions", and I replied with "thank you and I will definitely do them." The to-do list is getting longer, and ... ha! I just thought of something, and opened up the work email, and sent a message to follow up a project. My head is so occupied with work and headache. I tell myself that everything is alright.

It is one of those shitty days that I feel shitty but I cannot show it. I could not even roll my eyes... I am toooo nice. Damn. Even the paying machine did not sense a touch... and made the easy 4-item purchase at the Eden Garden feel like waiting in line in a Walmart. Damn the headache and everything makes it worse!
Oh, everything will be alright.


p.s. Hermit crabs were fighting last night. Bauy 小寶 the new guy and the smallest (half size of the others) was threatened by Tiger 小虎, who was intimidated by Bully 小霸王. I watched them too late. They were amazing creatures. Perhaps they felt shitty too, being trapped in a transparent tank where the outside world looks so big but they cannot reach it.