胚 in classy colors

除夕的時候

2012-01-22T04:30:00.001-05:00

2002年的除夕我在做甚麼? 那一年是我上一次在台灣過年, 我想不起來我去了哪裡又做了甚麼, 大概跟今天差不多, 看電視殺時間, 等待晚上那一餐, 然後等待午夜的鞭炮聲.
從小就不愛過年, 今天也沒有因為十年沒過年而特別興奮, 倒是有些許焦躁, 誰知道下次跟家人過年要待何時.

過年的重點不是在哪裡過, 是跟誰過.

去年我在一個國際會議上跟同事長官過年, 大家應和應和的跟我說新年快樂, 我微笑以對老美虛假的笑容下, 心裡打定主意一年後一定要跟家人過年. 家人不願意遠行, 那我就回老家啦.

這幾年回台北, 我都睡在我不熟悉的房間裡, 被熟悉的書櫃衣櫃圍繞著, 我大概知道抽屜裡有甚麼東西, 但也沒想要打開整理一番. 這回我清了兩個櫃子, 總共四層的物品裡, 將近八成變成了垃圾, 因為我想不起來那些東西的重要性.
如果哪一天非得把櫃子也丟了, 那廉價的夾板門必須要仔細的拆下來放進玻璃箱裡, 因為那上頭有一張小小的拼貼海報, 記錄著青攸君幫我慶祝十九歲的生日.
除夕, 就是要去蕪存菁的等待一個開始.

好歹也在台灣過了二十幾次的年, 今晚要有不一樣的開始: 午夜去行天宮看人擠人搶著跟神明拜年.

祝大家都找到自己的方向往前過個好龍年, 也過好這一年.

goals and objectives

2012-01-03T22:25:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow I am meeting with my boss to discuss my goals and objectives in 2012.
I don't think I can ever get used to this corporate model of running academic business. Or perhaps I have not been in an academic business, and I have pretended that I were.

Reading Steve Jobs reminds me of a few people I met in the past decade. I currently am in Chapter 10 and have learned that he was such a dick in his 20s. I have met a few dicks in my 20s. He was definitely a combination of all of them.
But I do admire how he was convinced that he was special and living for a great purpose. I want to be convinced by that feeling about myself as well.

I am special and living for a great purpose.
Reality is constructed by one who perceive it. Even if it is distorted, it is the reality perceived.

My goal of 2012 is to have a purposeful year. To achieve this goal, I am going to demonstrate that I am special in an irreplaceable way.

Alright, this is a nice start of the first business day of the year.
See you tomorrow, the second business day of the year.

good-how-are-you

2011-11-17T20:12:00.001-05:00

I prefer to say "hey" rather than "how are you?" every time when I meet a coworker in the hallway.

That means I can never become the CEO of my organization. The CEO always takes time to stop, looking into my eyes, smiling at me (even his eyes smile), and asking "How are you?" with each word articulated (instead of howareyou). He presents this common greeting so sincerely that I feel guilty if I don't provide a true answer.
No one provides the true answer to howareyou. Because there is only one answer, which is goodhowareyou. Seriously, I say it like a word not four.

I would like to change the office atmosphere by greeting with "hey" or simply nodding upward at the person crossing my path. This would reduce dishonesty for a tremendously amount.
For one thing, most people do not care how I am. They just want to be polite, be friendly, and be considered as "professional".
For another reason, most people say good-how-are-you in the same way as I say it and do not mean they feel good at the moment.
Therefore, if this kind of pointless exchanges can be eliminated once and for all, there is less dishonesty flowing around in the work place.

My profession requires precision in every word I produce in writing or speaking. Greeting with how-are-you-good-how-are-you is totally imprecise and boring.
Many non-Americans argue that Americans are superficial. The truth is everyone is superficial, but Americans highlight this human trait by over-using this seemingly caring conversation. When they finally decide to care, they would say "Seriously, how are YOU?" If they have not put themselves in the situation of being explicitly superficial, there would be no need to clarify the actual intention of the question when they really care.

Americans who are as busy as me would agree with me. They do not exchange that meaningless conversation. They smile and nod and pass me by. When I ask "How are you?" they start talking about their houses, children, pets, vacations, and boring meetings. They desire a chunk of time for being cared so that they can take a breath, think about themselves, complain about meaningless things making them busy, and end with "So how are you?"
And I say "Good."
So that we can proceed to reach the original purpose of the meeting.
I am professionalized. Sigh.

Or I don't know how I am. "Good" is an easy answer.
I am not used to being cared verbally.
I am not sure how to answer that question. I have no conscious access to that part of me. I have indicators though. When my work load is over to certain level, I have dreams in which I was in my high school classroom worrying about exams. When my personal life sucks, I feel drowsy all the time. When things go well at work, I work more. When things go poorly at work, I am silent.

I have four manuscripts waiting for me to revise. I am supposed to resubmit a grant. I am applying for two new IRB protocols. I am grading 13 final papers from students. I am spending time composing this blog entry. I am good.
Perhaps I will dream about the high school classroom tonight. But last night, I dreamed of the unborn baby of my cousin. I saw its face. I myself was a girl named "Louis" from the Middle East. Such random dreams make me wonder whether I am good.

Don't ask me. Just say hey.

Irene Weekend

2011-08-30T21:30:00.001-04:00

On Friday at work, people were talking about Irene and how they were preparing for its arrival. A co-worker who also lived in Hoboken kindly informed me that she would stay with her relatives in South Jersey, and if I wished to park my car in her apartment building, I could go to blah blah blah. I seriously did not write down her address and let the information enter and leave my head.

My attitude to this event was the same as my attitude to the earthquake incident several days ago. Come on, that earthquake was not that terrifying in comparison to every quake I had experienced in Taiwan. And please, it's just a hurricane. Like a typhoon. Nothing to worry about.

On the second thought, however, I was worried about Hoboken. The town always got flooded if it rained more than three hours. Hoboken has the worst drainage system I've ever seen. Every time when it was flooded, my 30-minute commute could become a 2-and-half-hour journey.
So the level of my worry increased as the day went by. Before noon, the CEO announced that we had an early closing for all employees to go home and prepare for the storm. That was a really nice gesture, and I totally accepted it.
I drove back to Hoboken and carefully parked bungbung at a spot where no tree or power line was able to fall on it. And I went shopping for food.
The scene in the supermarket was quite dramatic: Half of the store was empty. With the sun and breezes in the late afternoon, people were really scared with the thought of a storm coming to starve them.

I stayed home over night, checking the news constantly. Mama and superstar called and made sure that I was alright. Superstar suggested me drive away and stay somewhere else in case Hoboken got flooded badly. Before going to bed, I decided that I would decide whether to move bungbung to a garage in the morning.
All the information I took in, however, made me sleepless. Correction: I only had six hours of sleep. I drove on the streets around 7am on Saturday and found that all the garages were full. Eventually, I parked on a street that was on the top of this hilly town and that there was no tree or power line around. I sat by the sidewalk for about 15 minutes and convinced myself that this was a good decision.
Satisfied, I went to purchase batteries and candles. I went home and waited for the storm.

I was pretty calm until a call from the mayor of Hoboken. It was her voice message telling all residents "Run for your life! Leave! If you parked your car on the street, it'll be towed." I frowned and reacted to the message: I packed and left.
Well, to tell this story more accurately, I went online to see the projected path of the hurricane and decided that I should go northwest in order to avoid it. Binghamton was just outside the path, and I know someone there. So I booked a hotel room near Binghamton and I packed and left. This move on Saturday was the start of my long Irene weekend.

Thanks to Joey, I had two dinners with a funny companion. Talking to a friend who just started his American life as a PhD student made me humble, setting me back to summer 2002... when I landed in State College, PA on Aug 13 that year, it was pouring with lots of thunders. Yes, I came into a storm with a general direction but no idea what was waiting for me. And now I'm driving around by myself in this country, trying to outrun a storm. Life is funny.
Yes, I stayed for two nights. It was crazy. When I woke up on Sunday morning, I found the power was out and the storm had successfully chased me to Binghamton. Damn broadcasting! Binghamton was supposed to be storm free! Anyway, I sat in dark with the sounds of rain and wind. Immediately I called the front desk to make sure that I was not dreaming. The front desk confirmed my fear.

I put myself together, got dressed, and went to the lobby for coffee. It was full of people running away from New Jersey or New York. In dim light, people were greeting, and children were laughing. For me, it was a good feeling that I was not in this mess alone.
A family tried to check in, but the front desk could not take them in. I felt bad: I was only one person occupying a suite with a non-functioning jacuzzi. This family of four had to wait if anyone checked out by noon. I was thinking I probably should ask if Joey could take me in.
Suddenly, the power was back! A smile immediately came to my face. Everyone was cheered up.
I went back to my room and watched all the news channels about the storm. I checked online to see if Hoboken was under water. Yes, Binghamton was flooded here and there. The river near Joey's place might crest. In Hoboken, every where but my street was flooded, meaning that there was no way for me to drive back today. The news about Hoboken also included that "live" power lines were down in the flood water, and if you walked in it, you might get electrified. It said that you should not walk outdoors or even walk your dogs at all because the flood water was so dangerous and toxic.
The more information I was receiving, the more I leaned toward the idea of staying for one more night. Before Joey could answer my request, I booked the room for another night.
I did not dare to drive outside because the news anchors and the weather reporters were telling me the town where I was staying just got 8 flood alerts and warnings. What the... I wished Joey was alright and tried to reach him. And it turned out that he was just vacuuming his apartment and did not hear the phone ring. Oh well.

Driving back home on Monday, I enjoyed a pleasantly sunny day. Driving through the mountains at 120km/hr (80 m/h) for three hours gave me some happiness. The scenes I drove by from New York, Pennsylvania, briefly Delaware, to New Jersey looked no trace of the hurricane. This storm did not do as much damage as I thought. I realized how Americans lived in fear induced by the media that was funded by the insurance industry. I just spent more than 300 dollars related to storm preparation, gas, and hotel rooms. I still believed that my car would have been fine at that parking spot I found for it, and that I would be safe and sound staying in my apartment for the weekend.

However, when I approached Hoboken, I found it almost impossible to get into Hoboken. Many ramps were closed. Many roads were blocked. I did not see flood, but see police cars blocking roads.
On Tuesday back to work, the time I spent on the road doubled because of random road closure.... Arh... I hate it sometimes that over the years I actually have gained more patience, or learned helplessness, to road situations.

Here are some clips of flooded Hoboken. After viewing these, I was very glad that I drove away from it. Thank you, Mayor Zimmer.

This one is scary only for people who know what this park looked like before the storm....

Bye, Irene.

公務員般

2011-08-05T20:15:00.001-04:00

我弟在個大公司上班一個月後的感想：像是公務員一樣。
公務員至少有兩個負面的特徵：固定的上班時間和例行的工作內容。

我朝九晚五，可是絕大多數做學術研究的人都沒有固定的「上班時間」。上班時間要上引號因為做學術研究這行業是隨時都可以工作，包括不在辦公室的時候。我經常晚上或週末在家裡工作，只是因為辦公室離我滿遠的，不然我寧願在辦公室做事。
我認識的金融業、建築業、醫療業、電子業的朋友們每天都工作至少十個小時，而且他們的業務一定要在辦公室或是家裡之外的工作場所才能執行，公務員應該不會羨慕他們。

固定的上班時間應該不是我弟抱怨的重點，應該是工作內容。重複做類似的事情的確是滿難有成就感的，要怎麼被上司賞識到然後換來多一點變化（多元的工作 = 多項工作）就看本事了。

大部分的人對別人行業的工作型態都是不了解的，可是我認為每一條路的歷程是類似的，學術研究的路跟其他行業的路沒有多大差別：定大方向　->　起頭　-> 階段性目標達成　-> 決定要不要繼續走下去　-> 下一個階段完成 -> 遇到貴人和好時機　-> 往上爬一層換個稱謂　-> 遇到好市場，受到多方注意　->　往上躍一層，贏了聲譽　->　市場繼續看好　->　往上飛一層　-> 　十年後還在那裡　-> 　穩座上位

這條路要走多久，看個人造化。我十五歲時就定了大方向，十八歲就起頭，二十七歲階段性目標達成，二十九歲決定要繼續走下去，希望有一天可以當教授。
Ｃａｔｈｌｅｅｎ四十三歲升上教授，Ｔｏｂｙ今年應該五十歲了才升上副教授，這一切都跟學術智力無關，而是社交智慧和研究主題決定了如何走順這條路。

成功要如何衡量？往上爬的速度嗎？還是堅持下去的時間？稱謂大小嗎？聲望嗎？還是收入？
無論用哪一個衡量方式，公務員也是有機會成功的。

如果工作真的是無聊到爆，至少腦力可以空出來想想第二條路。過去十年我沒有發展任何可能的第二條路的能力，沒有時間沒有腦力，對任何事情都沒有很大熱情要做到專業。現在，我在同一個大領域做很多不同小領域的事情，不能算是第二條路，而算是衍生出來新的挑戰，公務員般朝九晚五的日子裡有滿多新的變化，各種不同小小的成就感讓我想繼續走下去。

我也有走不下去的時候，三年多前曾經有非常絕望的感覺，專業領域上的絕望，經濟上的絕望，語言能力上的絕望，私人情感上的絕望，越想越覺得自己在美國甚至回台灣都不可能有什麼前途的。可是我撐過去了，花了兩年時間寫了三次的研究經費終於拿到了，剛好也過完薪水悲慘的博士後研究員生活，人開朗了，什麼事情似乎都又有了希望。「撐下去」三個字是很多人沒有辦法做到，但是有的時候就是成功的原因。我還沒成功啦，但是也還沒失敗，正在祈求＂遇到好市場，受到多方注意＂的那個里程碑。

如果用結果來定義成功，那麼我的路可能要走很久，可能比 Toby 久。所以過程開不開心很重要，慢慢來沒關係，我選擇住在Hoboken，不再在太陽下山後就提心吊膽或是無所事事；我選擇把時間優先權給班比和麻嗎，晚上周末做不完的事情，第二天還是可以做的；我選擇散步慢跑瑜珈，不要醒著的時間都盯著電腦或是開著車。

除了那兩個負面的特徵，公務員這個詞還有一個特徵，但是對我來說不是負面的。安定是我喜歡的，安定是一種外象的狀態也是一種心境。我知道我的定位，我的責任，我做得到和做不到的事情；我知道我是什麼角色，我可以是什麼角色，我可以讓別人認為我是什麼角色；我知道薪水每兩個禮拜會發下來，我知道我一年有二十五天的假。

如果用幸福感來定義成功，目前我是比每天做例行事務的公務員來的成功。
（還好我不認識任何公務員。。。）

巴黎行(下)

2011-07-14T20:39:00.000-04:00

來到巴黎，除了鐵塔、凱旋門和博物館之外，就是要去看看教堂，像是遊台灣的旅客一定無法錯過廟宇一樣。
我看了三個教堂，其中兩個有進去參觀。
一到巴黎的那天(6/16/2011)，Zabeth 要我多接受陽光洗禮，這樣比較容易對抗時差，所以她帶我去一個自從"艾蜜莉的異想世界 (Amelia)"上映後就變成景點的聖心大教堂(Basilique du Sacre-Coeur)。一路從她家走過去，她說她媽媽在世的時候那附近還不是景點，聚集很多藝術家，她媽媽很喜歡去那裡晃。
現在倒是聚集很多畫匠，跟旅客收錢畫像，像是紐約的時代廣場。
過兩天(6/18/2011)，Zabeth和我去聖母院(Cathédrale Notre Dame de Paris)。上回去加拿大魁北克的時候，剛好有遇見別人的導遊說聖母院對法國人的重要性，所以我發現法國到處是聖母院，像是台灣每個城市一定會有媽祖廟一樣。大家都喜歡有個媽媽形象的神保佑自己。
巴黎的聖母院是我見過最方整莊嚴的教堂，她的正門外觀是目前最合我美感胃口的教堂。蓋了三百年才完成的大型藝術品。
我在巴黎的最後一天 (6/23/2011)　要去 Zabeth 的系上報告, 她說去她學校之前，我們可以去看一個她的德文版巴黎導覽裡推薦的教堂：聖禮拜堂 (La Sainte-Chapelle)。是的，在我到巴黎造訪 Zabeth 之前，她自己其實沒有好好參觀巴黎各大景點。例如我和她都是第一次去龐畢度，第一次登上凱旋門。總之，她一直有準備她自己的巴黎導覽，終於搬來巴黎一年之後有用武之地。
我必須要說，聖母院的外觀或許是最讚的，但是聖禮拜堂的二樓內景是最無法用言語形容的，我一登上二樓，立刻起雞皮疙瘩。
以下就是我去這些教堂的相簿：

Churches I visited in Paris

最後要介紹一些小景點給你
1. Jardin du Luxembourg 就是一個有整齊樹木花草噴水池的公園。我跟 Aya 在六月十七下午去的，天氣不太好，開始下毛毛雨的時候，我們跑到附近一家茶店坐坐 bread & roses，還行啦。
2. Opera Garnier 巴黎歌劇院，裝潢繁雜華麗，唯一很現代的是歌劇廳天花板，跟週遭的雕飾完全不合的現代派藝術畫家 Chagall 的大作。我跟 Aya 六月二十去的，本來是想要試試第二天有沒有歌劇可以看，還好沒票了，不然就錯過一年一度的夏至音樂節。可是我們還是有進去參觀。
3. La Fayette 百貨公司，就在歌劇院附近，百貨公司本身就是一個世界各大城市都可以找到的百貨公司，景點是百貨公司中心的天井，天井頂是一個巨大的彩繪玻璃。六月二十二，Zabeth 帶我進去拍幾照片就出來了。
4. Jardin du Tuileries 就是羅浮宮和 Place de la Concorde 之間。或者換個說法，從羅浮宮可以一路直直走到凱旋門，羅浮宮和 Place de la Concorde 之間是Jardin du Tuileries，Place de la Concorde 和凱旋門之間就是香榭大道。
5. Avenue de Champs Elysees 香榭大道，嗯，就是一條圍繞著昂貴名牌商店的馬路，對我來說值得一走完全是因為馬路底是凱旋門。
6. Place de la Concorde 還滿適合拍照的。不過交通號誌燈的設計有點不明確，遊客都是匆忙衝過馬路，經過時要注意交通安全。
7. Place des Vosges 是個古老的紅磚社區住宅，四面公寓為著一個公園，你在 Wikipedia 可以找得到喔。
8. Rue Mouffetard 是一條長長彎彎的小巷子，充滿各式各樣的小商店（包括珍奶），是 Zabeth 的爸爸在巴黎最喜歡的一條街。我和 Zabeth 去那裡逛了一下子，買了一條裙子。

就這樣啦，有機會自己去，有空就看看我的相片囉：

Small tours in Paris

最後，因應麻嗎要求（"我想要看你在照片裡啦，出去玩怎麼都拍風景")，我放幾張不容易猜到我在哪裡拍照的獨照來給她開心一下。

巴黎行 (上)

2011-07-05T22:30:00.000-04:00

到達巴黎之前，我買了一本小小的巴黎導覽，因為那導覽後面幾頁有地圖還有一些旅遊須知的法文，至於景點有哪些，我並不是很在意，班比卻是很在意，在我的導覽上圈了幾個他認為我非去不可的地方。
飛機一落地，我有點緊張，因為 Zabeth 給我準備的邀請函不是官方文件, 是私人書信的方式, 可是她用法文寫, 所以我不確定內容是什麼。我心裡盤算著答案，如果海關問我住那裡，我就說住旅館。因為旅館訂房紀錄不需要警察局蓋章，而我一印出訂房紀錄，就在兩天內取消了訂房，所以沒花到錢。如果海關質疑我的旅遊經費，我就出示我的信用卡。如果海關問我有沒有保險，我就給他看我的健保卡。結果，我拿出我的台灣護照，她連頭都沒抬起來看我一眼，一句話也沒說，章就蓋下去了。我就進入歐盟了。

循著 Zabeth 的指示，我坐 RER 換 Metro (地鐵) 到了火車站東站 (Gare de l'Est)，Zabeth 在站門口迎接我。於是我的巴黎行程正式開始，每一天幾乎都是由 Zabeth 策畫。六月十六下午三點開始。

我去了大部分外國遊客一定會去的大景點，也去了只有熟路人才會知曉的小景點，算一算我一天平均去兩個景點，大部分的時間是在走路和聊天。
巴黎很好走。到處是見機行事的路人和鑽來鑽去的機車，車子都短短窄窄的，街上沒什麼垃圾，很像台北，可是空氣品質比台北好。巴黎地鐵站裡垃圾很少，手機有通，標示滿清楚的，但是樓梯處常常充滿尿騷味，而且夏天車廂內沒有冷氣。這麼一比，紐約就輸了，巴黎地鐵有的優點它都沒有,又髒又臭人又爆多，地鐵更是在各個方面都不及格。台北就贏了，除了到站時有過多語言的廣播之外，我對台北捷運幾乎沒有怨言。

在巴黎走來走去很舒服，建築物很美，漂亮有氣質的人到處是。在非景點的地方，我覺得白人和黑人的比例差不多，東亞人很少 (所以常有人盯著我看)；在景點，白人最多，東亞人零星但次之。看人，是一件很休閒的事情。
夏至那天傍晚，我感受到巴黎年輕人的活力。整個巴黎充滿小小的音樂會，大家都出來玩。我和 Zabeth 的朋友在運河岸散步聽音樂吹晚風，這也是我小小的旅遊導覽上沒有提到的事。
如果你對巴黎非景點的街景和人物有興趣，點一下這照片：

Ordinary Scenes of Paris

我最喜歡的大景點是艾菲爾鐵塔 (Tour Effel)。因為只要它能入鏡，照片就很有風情。因為我只要一靠近它，我就微笑。第一次看見它，是在龐畢度中心 (Centre Pompidou) 樓上，那是我在巴黎的第三天。第二次是我在巴黎的第五天，我直接到它面前，天氣陰雨，可是我還是喜歡上它。第三次是第六天　06/21/2011，我從羅浮宮 (Musee du Louvre) 沿著香榭大道 (Champs-Elysees Avenue)走到凱旋門 (Arc de Triomphe) 的路上, 一直遙望著小小的它。第四次是第七天，天氣終於放晴，我參觀完羅浮宮後沿著河岸走向它，在塔腳曬太陽看小說聽小提琴演奏。第五次是我在巴黎的最後一晚，我在凱旋門上看著它變成金色。
既然說到凱旋門，它算是我也不錯喜歡的巴黎代表性大景點，因為它比我想像中大，比我想像中要來的莊嚴。以下的相簿包括艾菲爾鐵塔和凱旋門：

Effel & Triomphe

博物館我也去了幾個代表性的，羅浮宮是一定要的，我個人對於它的建築比對於它的館藏有興趣。奧塞美術館 (Musee d'Orsay) 的館藏才是我的最欣賞的。龐畢度中心就是個典型的當代藝術美術館，但不一定是追求"美"的。我跟 Zabeth 還找到畢卡索博物館 (Musee Picasso)，結果發現它休館到2013年，館藏世界巡迴中，而目前正在台北！是的, 門口標示著六月十八到九月十八在台北歷史博物館 (建中對面) 展出。所以下一個相簿是我的博物館之行：

Pompidou, Orsay, & Louvre

。。。待續

Food in Paris

2011-06-30T18:48:00.028-04:00

I loved my vacation because I do not speak French or German.
Finally I understood why Mama loved vacationing with me in English-speaking locations. For ten days, I depended on Zabeth and Aya for everything. Zabeth, in particular, planned my daily hour-to-hour step-by-step schedules, provided me with comfortable bed, introduced me with her lovely neighbor/colleague John and his GF Julia, and fed me with delicious food.

In markets, I watched Zabeth purchase yummy cheese, wine, beer, fruit, yogurt, French cider, bread, milk, and other raw ingredients for cooking. She is not an ordinary shopper. She knows what she is doing. She spends money wisely, investing only on food that guarantees at least 3 out of 4 Michelin stars.
I said nothing. She did everything. And I was well satisfied.

In restaurants, Zabeth or Aya explained the menu for me. They ordered food for me. They fetched waiters for me. They said thankyou for me. I said nothing. They did everything. And I was well satisfied.

I loved this vacation. Even my brain was so relaxed.

For the benefit of my dear friends who are going to visit Paris this summer, I am going to start my review of my first European trip with food. I apologize that I cannot lend Zabeth to you without her consent. So let's stick with restaurants.
Because I was the guest, Zabeth and Aya tried to impress me with the non-tourist places on their top lists. Therefore, I am now selecting the best of the best stores for food. Trust me. As Zabeth put it very well, I am a "natural taster" who don't even know how to cook.

First, let's begin with lunch. Don't get me wrong. I love breakfast and never skip it. However, all my breakfasts were prepared and finished in Zabeth's kitchen. You, who are going to visit Paris, may not be able to enjoy breakfast the way I did. So let's begin with lunch.
For most lunches, Aya or Zabeth (it depended on whom I was with that day) would share a sandwich with me. The sandwich was purchased on any bakery on the street. And we would take it to a park and eat under the sky.
One day (to be specific o6/21/2011, which was a Tuesday, when I found the Louvre Museum closed on Tuesdays) I had lunch under the Louvre Museum. DO NOT have food there. Trust me. DO NOT have food there. Terrible and expensive. Unless you crave for American coffee, there is a Starbucks.
An irrelevant note: there is also an Apple store in case you want to go online and brag about it.

My best lunch occurred on 06/20/2011 when Aya took me to a crepe restaurant -- Le Flibustier. You will find thousands of crepe places in Paris, just like you will find thousands of bakeries there. However, according to Aya, this place was one of the best. So we went. It was indeed my best experience having salty food wrapped with crepe.
Where is it? Please google it. I have no idea how to tell you where it is.
For directions in Paris, I had Aya, Zabeth, Zabeth's iPhone, and my iPhone. Right, I could not use my iPhone with 3G in Paris. However, obviously there is a built-in GPS in iPhone which allows an app called "City Maps 2Go" to work without 3G. I downloaded the app before going to Paris. The free version of the app allowed me to download one city map for free, and I chose Paris for the obvious reason.

Next, dinner. I am going to recommend three restaurants for dinner. One is a family-oriented cute local French-food restaurant -- Bistrot d'A Cote. Aya took me there without any planning. It happened to be good. It was on the same day as I tasted the crepe.
Again, I cannot locate it for you. Do your homework before leaving to Paris. Oh, actually using the "City Maps 2Go", you can type in the restaurant name and find its location. Pretty cool, right?

The second restaurant for dinner recommendation is a French-Cambodian fusion. It is not family-friendly, but friendly to young adults who earn enough money just to rent a studio apartment in Paris. I went there with John, Julia, and Zabeth on 06/21/2011, the day when the summer began. The point was to enjoy food there and walked along the canal where people of the entire city came out to play music, play with music, and drink and dance with music. I had great fun that night.

And the restaurant where we celebrated Zabeth's belated birthday. Les Diables au Thym is a French-food restaurant with a French menu and an English menu. I did not read the English menu. I followed my newly-established habit: listening to Zabeth's explanation item by item and telling her what I want. For recording this belated birthday celebration for the bill payer (Zabeth's dad), I took pictures of all the dishes. However, I am only showing my dishes here. I think this is a very responsible action.

By the way, my appetizer was foie gras, which was translated as "fatty duck liver" on the English menu. Well, the Chinese translation is, if I may literally translate it into English, "duck-liver butter." I think I prefer the English-translated-from-Chinese translation than the English translation.
And my main dish was duck breast. It was so juicy and full of fragrance of duck meat. To my surprise, it went very well with the sweet jam provided on the side. See how happy I looked with my desert? I loved it. It was a macaroon sandwiching fresh strawberries with a pure-fruit sorbet on the side.
I had never liked macaroons. My opinion changed on 06/17/2011 when Zabeth took me to her favorite macaroon store. She said she had never liked macaroons either until she tasted macaroons from this store Patisserie.

Alright, lastly, I am going to tell you a good place for late-night supper. Zabeth and I went to Jours de Fete after a tango practica on 06/19/2011. John recommended this place. And now I support his recommendation. It is a tapa place, meaning that each dish is a small portion. The whole point is not to get full but to get a taste of some yummy food with wine and happy conversations. We totally got the point.

I also had great memories about food outside of Paris. Since you are not going to Strasbourg, Wissembourg, or Tubingen, I will save some space on this blog. Enjoy Paris, my dear!

volcano trip

2011-05-18T22:20:00.002-04:00

I thought I would have uploaded these pictures two weeks ago. However, due to the unexpected event, I could not do so.
Now I am catching up. After the Pearl Harbor, let me share with you about the Big Island. Yes, there are more than one island in the state of Hawaii. The Pearl Harbor is on the Oahu island. The trip pictured below was on the Hawaii island (aka the Big Island). Oh, I knew there were many island in Hawaii, but I didn't know the Hawaii was the Big Island. Anyhooo... let's do this.

Big Island Hawaii

committe membership

2011-05-13T18:45:00.004-04:00

I am now officially on a Master committee. How cool is that?
The committee chair Marianne just had a girl (3 weeks old tomorrow). So it would be convenient and nice to go to her place for the proposal defense. Walking into her dining room, I had the image:

Many years ago, I was preparing Master's proposal or thesis. Toby was busy taking care of Mairead or Kieran so that Cathleen could work. I was stressed out to meet the deadline and needed Toby's comments. So Toby asked me to go to their place for discussion. We worked on their dining table. The cat Matilda was walking everywhere. Oh, I remember the cat. She was not afraid of strangers. She was so curious of me that she put her face right in front of my nose while stepping on my paper.

Back to the present time, Marianne's mother was there helping her to take of the baby so that she could work. The other committee member Janine arrived there a few minutes before me. The student presented her research proposal. We asked her questions. Then the student was asked to get out of the house and wait for our decision. I had another image of my Master's proposal meeting, which was a disaster. My committee not only grilled me but tore my proposal apart. Well, I may be exaggerating but I felt so. The original blog entry (built before the era of blogs or facebook) was not online anymore, but I found it in my hard drive. It was written on Oct 18, 2003:
(Sorry, English readers)

不可置信的，今天是禮拜六，凌晨兩點鐘才入睡的我竟然早上七點半就起床了。

蕭蕙（交替恐龍的室友）為我做了兩個總匯三明治，讓我帶來學校。帶「來」學校，是的，我正在辦公室裡，剛才，總共花了四個小時弄完了"post-proposal" proposal of my master project。

為什麼 proposal 後還要 proposal 呢？這是一件令我哭笑不得的事情。

禮拜四（10/16/03）是我學術生涯的一個邁進，就是提出碩士研究的申請，我已經花了至少半年以上的時間（我決定要在胚胚的頁上貼出我的實驗步驟演進圖），回美國之後又不停的跟 Cathleen 和 Toby 討論，每討論一次就修改一次，大大小小的修改不論，至少我覺得我很享受這其中的過程，我可以跟他們討論出一個實驗的方向，和解決問題找出真相的方法。就在寫出正式的那一份 proposal 之前，我的三位 committee members （包括 Rick）都已經知道我的研究是什麼，也都沒有什麼大疑問，也都跟我說我是多麼的了不起想要探究一直沒人去碰的領域（是的，我是第一人啦！暗暗的爽），也都跟我說我的碩士提案可以擴大成博士研究的提案，不過我目前需要的是先拿到碩士，後續的研究就看我之後願不願意繼續了。

總之，我呈現一點都不緊張的狀態，反正他們都知道我在做什麼，反正我已經練習過好多次怎麼 present，proposal 的前一天晚上我還再看了一次 "Lilo & Stitch"。

禮拜四早上十點鐘，開始。

當我講完我提案中最複雜的部分的時候，我非常舒暢的期待這一場 meeting 的結束，因為我想連最複雜的部分我都已經搞定了，接下來沒什麼好怕的了。然後，Cathleen 突然炸出一個問題，她從來不曾對我提起的問題。

先話說從頭，我做了兩個 pilot studies，第二個 pilot 有非常驚人的（對我們廣大的 vision science 領域是驚人的）結果。通常做 pilot 的目的不是要看結果，而且 pilot 所收集的 data 不夠多應該也不能當作是很有統計效力的 data。但是這個 pilot 的結果卻讓人難以忽視。於是 Cathleen 就質疑如果這個 pilot 的結果是可信的，那麼我第一個實驗的邏輯性就會出現問題。Rick 開始點頭，本來幫我的 Toby 也動搖了。

我，傻住。

還好，我天生就是緊張起來不會臉紅，我天生就是緊張起來不會語無倫次反而講話更慢（多謝麻嗎生得好），我努力的思考想要辯駁，心裡卻有另一個聲音：如果我第一個實驗，也就是所有實驗的源頭出現了瑕疵（一個這半年來沒有人告訴我的瑕疵），那我這個提案肯定要重來，碼的。

就在我思索的時間裡，他們三個熱烈的討論起來，他們突然比我還有興趣做這個研究，回答我的大問題 " Does exogenous or endogenous shift of attention take more time to move a greater distance?" ，我也在那段時間裡理解了我的 pilot study 真是恐怖的可以變成另一項研究計畫，又憂又喜之際，Toby 要我出去。

我要在會議室外面等待他們的決定，一種被人推下高樓的心情。你們怎麼可以在 proposal 的當下改掉我的實驗？為什麼前幾個禮拜都不說一句話呢？你們怎麼可以讓我花了百分之九十的時間在最困難的部分，讓我以為簡單的部分是真的很簡單而不需要多做解釋？

Toby 開門了，"You're approved."他開心的說。

我居然可以安全的落地！

為什麼呢？第一，他們說他們難得遇到這麼有討論氣氛的 proposal meeting，他們覺得受教良多，他們覺得他們也腦力激盪到了。

第二，我在 present 的時候，很沈穩的回答了 Toby 的一個問題。

Toby 是有名的電人王，因為他太聰明了，他總是可以很快的吸收一個 presentation，然後提出一針見血的問題，系上很多人（包括教授和學生）都很怕他，雖然他平常是個超可愛的大小孩。

"You impressed us by answering that question." 這是他們的說法，但是仍然難以抹滅他們要我更改實驗的痛。只是心情忽然間平靜的像木頭。

所以我要從新思考一次我的實驗設計和流程，在大方向大問題都不變的情況下。

下禮拜我要在 brown bag （我們認知領域每週三的午餐 meeting）報告我的 master proposal，有一半的 slides 要更改。好在，我不用重寫一份書面的 proposal。

更改實驗，所以又要再弄一個 pilot，所以這兩天就在忙這個新的 pilot。

現在離十一月不到半個月，我十一月初要去溫哥華開會，要做一張去年實驗結果的海報，well... 還沒開始做。開會回來之後有兩個 presentation 在等著我。不會累死啦，只是眼睛已經快死了，短短幾個月，我的近視度數已經加深了許多，是我可以察覺到的加深速度。

呼～

Back to the present time again, we the committee discussed about the proposal a bit more and were excited about the potential project that may be brought about from this student's Master research. Oh of course, I see the Master project more promising the PhD project. My Master project, as you see, was initiated in 2003, has become a career by itself. Toby and I have done at least 30 follow-up experiments since then, using college students from Penn State to U of Iowa. We just submitted a paper last month. If Marianne does it right, this student's work can become a good ten years of work.
But I felt thrilled that now I was the person who stayed in the room while a student was asked out to wait, and who watched the student get nervous.
We chatted and signed the paper. The student got called back in. And we said "Congrats!"

Feeling even more responsible, I got back to office and work with a reminder of the reason why I have wanted to be in academia.

不再受難

2011-04-24T18:16:00.003-04:00

前天，美國人所謂的 Good Friday，臺灣人翻譯做基督受難日的那天，爺爺走了。

他其實是外公，可是我一直都叫他爺爺，害我小學一年級的 "生活與論語"考試沒拿滿分，因為媽媽的爸爸應該要叫外公。
後來為了區分，他是松山爺爺，爸爸的爸爸叫屏東爺爺。

爺爺是山東人，後來又說他其實是大連人，反正因為他，我有四分之一北方人的血統。

每個小朋友都有的乳名，就是名字最後一個字連音就是了。漢漢，君君，中中，佳佳，侃侃，亘亘，但是我就沒有，因為我的名字不適合。
可是爺爺給我一個乳名，只有他在叫。小佩"易"。因為北方腔的關係，他唸起來就是"易"。

爺爺來台灣娶了台灣人，可是我沒聽他沒說過一句台語，倒是阿嬤的台灣國語有山東腔。
爺爺當警察的時候騎哈雷，自己也有一台打擋車，我幼稚園的時候有坐過幾次。
爺爺不當警察以後在饒河夜市當管理員，我有去參觀過他的辦公室幾次，並沒有因為他的關係撿到什麼店家的便宜。

我國小的時候，爺爺每個禮拜天下廚。他做的酸菜白肉鍋還有北方涼菜是我童年回憶裡還不錯的片段。不過，我完全沒有勇氣去碰他面前那每餐都有生大蒜和一小杯高梁。
爺爺很兇的，我沒有逗他笑的天份，只有阿姨碼媽和君君有本事逗他笑。
爺爺訂了很多吃飯的規矩，都是被罵的時候才知道規矩的存在，例如他動筷子前沒人可以動筷子，吃飯的時候不可以講話，左手要就著碗，筷子不可以跟碗盤敲出聲音，拿碗的時候不可以捧的碗，敬酒的時候要兩隻手一起拿酒杯。
跟爺爺打麻將的規矩也很多，腳不可以放在椅子上，不能用左手拿牌，不要隨便碰吃槓壞了門清。

爺爺那麼兇，我幾乎沒有頂過嘴，除了用筷子這件事。
我一直不會用筷子，像是拿筆一樣的握著拳頭拿筷子。高中還是大學的時候，他又唸了我一次，我回嘴說會夾就好了，他瞪了我一眼說會寫字但是寫得不漂亮有什麼用。我忘了是麻嗎還是阿嬤使了眼色要我安靜，可是我認為他理由沒有說服力，我現在也還是不同意。
可是就在我大學畢業前，我突然學會用所謂標準漂亮的方式用筷子。不過他沒稱讚我過。
我離開台北之後，他老得好快。不兇了，更不多話。

爺爺退休之後，練毛筆字不算什麼，他學英文，還信了主。
他成了全家唯一的天主教徒，書房裡放了聖母聖靈的畫像，阿嬤沒說什麼，覺得他要拜什麼就讓他拜啊。
健康狀況走下坡後，他沒再去做禮拜，聽麻嗎說教友會來拜訪。
最近幾次住院，神父和教友都有來探望。麻嗎說他還捨不得走。

前天，他放下了，在誦經聲中安詳的離開了。教友開玩笑說他會跟耶穌一起復活。
於是 Good Friday 從此對我而言是有意義的。

Pearl Harbor

2011-04-20T22:09:00.003-04:00

Pearl Harbor

I arrived in Honolulu, 7:30 pm April 8th. It took me more than an hour to drive to the hotel. Not that it was far from the airport, but it was that all the street names looked alike (and sounded alike if I tried hard to pronounce them). So I missed turns and went to strange places although the car-rental clerk had told me it was easy to get to the core of Waikiki from the airport; "just follow H1 and then 92 east" she said.
After picking up mama the next morning, I agreed with the clerk that it was quite easy.
Navigating in Oahu is easy in general. The network of the highway is not complicated. The signs are clear. The roads are in good conditions with few potholes. The only thing I have to complain is the traffic lights. One night when we were driving back from the west to the hotel, meaning we needed to go through Waikiki, green lights were followed by red lights, and lights seemed to stay longer red than green. For the same amount of time I could have walked back if I had abandoned the car right after getting H1 (the highway).

The Pearl Harbor is close to the airport. We went there after the morning session of the conference on April 10th. Yes, I did go to the conference before enjoying the vacation.
I am going to post more pictures of my Hawaii trip. Here is the first entry (just click the album cover above.) The pictures preserve more memory that my narratives. Aloha.

職場如戰場

2011-03-03T18:06:00.002-05:00

去年夏天我們實驗室徵研究助理, 來面試的大多是剛剛拿到碩士或是學士學位的小朋友.
有一個巴基斯坦媽媽頂著 MD 的學位來面試, MD 的直接翻譯是醫學博士, 其實就是醫生的意思, 並沒有比醫生厲害.
我老闆一開始就跟她說MD的資格超過研究助理的標準, 我們請不起她. 她說她願意做義工, 她想要學怎麼做研究, 只要能讓她留在實驗室裡她什麼都願意.
於是呢, 身為義工, 就歸實驗室經理管, 義工每天都要跟經理報備, 報備內容是越詳細越好, 因為經理認為經理的工作就是要對每一個下屬瞭若指掌. 可是經理也有一個難題, 就是要幫義工找事情做.
經理常來問我有沒有什麼事情需要義工幫忙, 我剛好有一個新的研究計畫需要人力, 所以我就開始帶著巴基斯坦媽媽做事.

我們實驗室隨時都有一到三個擁有MD學位的人來當義工, 他們都不是美國人, 幾乎都是印度人. 印度MD義工的目的是要一封很漂亮的推薦信來申請美國住院醫生的職位. 在美國以外的地區拿到的醫生學位 (MD; medical doctor) 可以被認可, 但是有MD不代表能執業, 要有美國的證照才行. 要有證照就要有住院醫生的經驗, 要有住院醫生的經驗就要申請, 要申請就需要推薦信. 而且申請了不代表一定會申請到 (或者說"配對到"; 台灣也有類似的配對過程). 我在這裡工作三年裡, 至少有十個印度MD義工來, 只有兩個成功配對到, 其中只有一個第一次申請就申請到.

巴基斯坦媽媽沒有想要執業. 她當年在巴基斯坦拿到MD學位不久之後就到了美國結婚生子, 她的第三個小孩一出生就有身心上的障礙, 需要全天候的照顧. 去年這小男生滿十歲了, 巴基斯坦媽媽決定不要再做家庭主婦, 她依然想要追尋她從小一直想要擁有的職業生涯. 她說不是她不喜歡照顧他兒子, 只是她覺得那樣的生活不是她想要的, 曾經代表巴基斯坦醫學生到歐洲演講的她很渴望能夠學以致用.
她知道以她的年紀 (我猜四十多) 很難跟剛離開學校的人去搶住院醫生, 她現在只想要學習怎麼做臨床研究. 她沒有經濟壓力, 她老公擁有一家科技軟體公司, 她本來就不愁吃穿的. 她願意每天開單程至少一小時的車程來我們研究機構, 她就是想要學東西.

她果然跟其他義工很不一樣, 非常細心認真之外, 她問很多問題. 大部分的印度醫生都像是啞巴, 不打不鬧, 你叫他做超級無聊簡單的事情他就做給你看, 你叫他做有點難度需要思考的事情, 他悶頭就去做, 把提問題當作是丟臉的事情, 常常做不對, 罵他也不是唸他也不是, 所以我通常不愛發派印度MD義工做事.
我一開始設定好一個簡單的數據系統給巴基斯坦媽媽, 她用了不到一天就發現那套系統跟她的思考模式不合, 就來跟我討論, 我們一起弄出一套我們都同意的測量整理數據的系統, 她就去執行啦, 有問題就來問, 我一定都回答.
漸漸的她開始主動跟經理說她只想做我的研究計畫.
漸漸的經理開始來跟我抱怨巴基斯坦媽媽太有自己的想法, 都不愛按照既定的程序做事.

直到去年底, 她每天來做義工已經四個月了. 她問我該怎麼辦.
跟著我做事, 還有看其他研究助理做病人實驗, 她學不到做研究的基本道理. 我老實跟她說, 我老闆已經很坦白表示不聘她做研究助理, 我建議她回學校. 認真拿幾門研究方法的課, 再憑著她的MD學位, 她想要去哪裡都可以.
但是她說她就是想要留在我們研究機構裡. 於是她去找別的實驗室的老闆談, 談的結果就是他們歡迎她, 可是恐怕沒有預算給她全職, 只能負擔一個禮拜三天的時間. 於是她想要跟我老闆商量是否可以讓她另外兩天在我們實驗室繼續當義工, 或是拿學士級的薪水.
她這個主意先是跟我們研究室經理提起了, 經理就跟老闆說了.

突然劇情急轉直下, 老闆某個早晨跑來問我意見, 問我覺得我們應不應該僱用她. 我說不應該, 因為她當不了獨立作業的研究員(像我這樣), 也不適合當研究助理, 她卡在中間.
老闆於是跟經理聯決跟巴基斯坦媽媽會面, 說不雇用她的理由有二: 一, 研究室沒有預算; 二, 她不聽上司指示.
這第二點理由讓巴基斯坦媽媽非常震驚錯愕, 她覺得她被經理狠狠桶了一刀. 因為我老闆跟她並沒有天天往來, 都是經理在管理義工的作息還有跟老闆的報告.
然後我老闆說不會幫她寫推薦信. 這又是一刀. 在美國求職, 沒有推薦信等於是沒有履歷表一樣.
我老闆又說巴基斯坦媽媽已經不再是我們實驗室的一份子了, 可以珍重再會了.
這時呢, 巴基斯坦媽媽可能問了一句關於跟我未完成的計畫怎麼辦, 經理可能說了一句:"你要先跟我報備." 我用猜測的語氣, 是因為同一天下午, 一切就要爆發.

巴基斯坦媽媽來跟我說, 她想要完成我的研究計畫, 她希望我可以幫她寫推薦信. 我說我贊成, 但是我要先問老闆和經理的意見, 因為他們已經拒絕你了, 如果還天天看到你出現, 情況會有點尷尬.
所以我去跟經理說, 經理說: "我不是要她先來問我才去問你嗎 ? 她就是愛做自己想做的事情, 不聽我的指示."
在經理的堅持下, 她跟著我去找老闆. 我老闆說:"我們都已經跟她說要她走了, 她還去找你? 你想要留她嗎?"
我說: "她幫做我的事情不難, 可是需要很細心和很多時間. 如果她現在就走了, 我要重新訓練一個人, 不如讓她專心做完這件事, 我可以就針對她在這個計畫的表現寫封推薦信."
經理跟老闆聽了, 點頭是點頭, 可是我可以感覺到他們的不認同. 老闆要我寫很小心很保守的推薦信以自保. 我說好.

我以為事情就這樣啦.
結果幾天後, 巴基斯坦媽媽跟實驗室經理在走道上打了照面, 指責經理是騙子, 騙我老闆說她辦事不力. 經理超級生氣, 跑來要我趕她走. 後來巴基斯坦媽媽也理直氣壯的來跟我說她沒做錯, 不懂為什麼經理就要她不名譽的走. 我說我不想選邊站, 但是如果你想把這個計畫做完, 就低調一點.
巴基斯坦媽媽不知道是得理不饒人, 還是裝天真, 她依然出席實驗室相關的活動, 還要求要跟我老闆去看診. 老闆跟經理都火了, 我幾乎要保不住她了.

今天在沒有告知我的情況之下, 老闆來了一封信, 她寫給電腦資訊部主任, 附件給我和經理, 說我會跟電腦資訊部聯絡, 減少巴基斯坦媽媽的帳號權限. 這根本就是抵著我脖子要我砍別人.
我深吸一口氣, 寫了一封正式的公文給電腦資訊部也寫給巴基斯坦媽媽, 信裡明確列出她的權限縮減到三個跟我研究相關的資料夾, 更是明明白白重申她已經不是我們實驗室的一員, 她還會在這裡都是因為我, 一旦計畫完成我就會終止她所有電子帳號的權限.

我在走鋼索.
我沒有必要要保巴基斯坦媽媽, 但是我已經答應的事很難反悔, 而且她是真的很好用的幫手.
我沒有必要跟老闆經理對頭, 但是我相信我沒有做任何危害實驗室聲譽的事情.
我保她是一個賭注, 大家在看我做的這個決定會不會有好結果. 研究成果我不敢說, 但是人情世故上, 根據行政人員的一些八卦風聲, 我, 佔上風.

new decade's resolutions

2011-01-13T20:17:00.007-05:00

I have become a morning person.
Since last summer, I wake up no later than 6:30 and start my day around 8 with my coffee and my computer. I go home by 6 pm or earlier to enjoy the rest of day ... which lasts until 11.
I thought my life had gone hell.
I thought I had become a morning person.

In graduate school, when the school work was not crazy, I stayed up no later than 1 am during the week and partied no later than 3 am during the weekend. My day usually started at 9 or 10 am.
During the last year of my Pennsylvanian life, I woke up at 7:30 am every day, worked until 5-ish, practiced yoga until 7-ish, had dinner, and worked until midnight. I still partied hard during the weekend.
However, I did not like staying up later than 4 or 5am because I would fail to fall asleep or sleep long enough ... it turned out that I always opened my eyes around 10am. What a misfortune.

In college years, I never stayed up for studying because my brain was not working after midnight. I woke up 8-ish... not quite sure, but never too late to miss a class or miss breakfast before noon.

In high school years, I woke up at 5:30, left home around 6 so that I was able to arrive at school before 7:30 for my duty as the leader of the marching band.... what a stupid job now I think of it. No wonder I hated those years.

In junior high, I don't quite remember, but I know we had a test or two every morning before the first class. I never missed a test or a breakfast before the test... so I must have left home for school before 7 am.

In elemental school..... I really have no memory. However, considering that I went to bed at 9 pm every day, I must have got up early in the morning.

By all means, I never became a morning person. I have always been a morning person. I just cannot wake up early for a jog or an early-bird yoga class. But I do wake up early for having breakfast, reading, working, and chatting online with people physically far far away from me. Also, breakfast is important because I like it.

Yesterday was a snow day. I knew it would be a snow day, and I watched a 3-hour movie late and read a chapter of Harry Potter until 1am. And I got up at 8:30 on the snow day and worked until dinner time.
See the pattern? If there were no pleasure at all in what I have been doing, I should have made a whole different career than being a "research scientist".

Today my two bosses said something very meaningful to me. They did not say those things for complimenting my work. They did not announce a title onto me. They did not raise my salary. They probably did not know the meanngfulness of their words. They were just being themselves, my boss and mentor and all.
And then I felt it, the point of why I live my life in this pattern.

You don't understand it. You don't think about it. You don't plan on it. You feel it. It being the way of your life and possibly the meaning of your life.

Somehow my way of living fits the current society, and thus I live without anyone telling me that I should do otherwise. I don't work like an attending physician or hedge-fund analyst who seems to work too hard too often. I don't work like an actor or a dance teacher who seems to work for too little to survive.
So I think I am totally lucky. Also the fact that I live far away enough from people who may like to nag on my behavior is totally a bonus to my continuous obsession of getting up early to have a breakfast and read for work or pleasure.

So what is it? What is the point?
Sometimes, you feel you have to make a plan and make wise decisions to follow the plan so that you know you are on track to your goal. But I have made it to my goal three years ago: I got my degree.
Then I was lost in the most unremarkable life: looking for a job and looking for a way of living that was supposed to make me happy. I was depressed and lonely. I didn't know what defined my career. I didn't like my job. I felt like I was forced to be on this track to a pointless unexciting academia nerdy boring life, hanging out with uninteresting people who also lived uninteresting lives. At some point, I just wanted to be out. Out of everything. I wished I could just leave and drive until the car dies.

A title is not a career. Being a professor, a writer, a business manager, a dancer or a chef is not a career. A career has to be what a professor, a writer, a business manager, a dancer, or a chef is passionate about for at least five years to life time. A researcher means nothing. Someone told me that she wanted to do research and asked for my guidance. I was like... what? Please re-define your question. Research on what? And why?

Today I found it. Or felt it. Can't put an explicit word for it. But I felt it. The it that may define my career. I am gonna make a wish.
I wish I will truly accomplish something that changes a small part of the world. I don't fancy being rich. I do fancy being someone who does at least one good important thing for many people who really need it. And this one thing is good and important enough that I will be proud of myself when I'm about to leave the field to start a new career.

Two days ago was the 30th anniversary of my first step. Here are two goals for my next decade of walking on earth.
One: Remain excited about my research on cognitive neuropsychology and related rehabilitative techniques, and get proud!
Two: Leave it with pride, and start something entirely different and exciting!
Now I feel the purpose of being a morning person. I have a career, not a job. Pretty cool kind of feeling indeed.

十二月!

2010-12-29T01:09:00.012-05:00

一切都要從 iPhone 說起...
幾個禮拜前, 我寫了一封短信給我弟, 他收到後跟麻嗎說我在美國過得很糟, 麻嗎一夜難眠, 台北時間凌晨五點她打來問我 "你還好嗎?" 我嚇了一跳, 回問 "你還好嗎?" 她以為我還在隱瞞, 又再問一次, 所以我跟她說我房間的暖氣超不暖, 我超可憐. 於是她堅持她要寄一條韓國電毯來.
郵局快遞跟她保證電毯會在我的農曆生日那天寄到, 於是她超開心的寫了一兩封信來跟我說明怎麼用電毯... 於是她每天都在詢問我收到電毯了沒.

農曆生日那天麻嗎打來說生日快樂, 當時我人正在年終晚會跟同事長官打哈哈, 每張圓桌上都放了一盆聖誕紅, 主持人說每一桌生日最接近的人可以拿走那一盆, 我立刻開心的接受, 然後驕傲的跟其他人說 "Today is my birthday, my mom just told me." 美國人一臉不解, 怎麼自己生日什後都不知道, 還要媽媽提醒. 他們很難理解很多事情的, 例如解釋 "民國幾年" 就很頭大.

一個禮拜之後, 我們實驗室自己的 secret santa 年終慶, 按往例大家會順便慶祝我的生日, 我收到一些聖誕禮物一些生日禮物, 開心之餘, 我老闆在 party 過後説大家今天就工作到這裡, 可以回家了. 我飆回家, 拿著昨天收到的包裹通知單, 衝到郵局去拿我的電毯.

喔, 對了, 為什麼我說 "一切都要從 iPhone 說起", 原來我每次用 iPhone 寫中文信寄給我弟, 他都收到文字與亂碼交雜的訊息, 至於他怎麼解讀成我過得不好, 我就不得而知了. 但是陰錯陽差的我收到電毯啦! 於是立刻用 iPhone 拍下影像寄給麻嗎, 麻嗎居然又是凌晨五點就掛網, 她說除了電毯還有其他驚喜, 我趕快打開電毯包裝, 嘿嘿, 發現三包海苔! 真是超愛麻嗎的!

然後我就沒完沒了的開始計畫自己的生日節目. 企圖用台灣時間開 party過生日, 因為美國時間已經被訂走了要吃茹絲葵. 結果... 超強暴風雪來襲, 我寫了一小段放在 Facebook 上：
1. Found myself stuck in the building because the snow right outside the door was too heavy and too deep... making the door impossible to be pushed open.

2. Yelled help to the passersby once I got a little air gap pushed out.

3. A man with a shovel rescued me. But I did not find him very satisfied with my gratitude. Well... I hesitated and decided not to give him money. I did not want to insult him. What he did was priceless.

4. Fed myself with breakfast after climbing to the grocery store and climbing back to my building.

5. Worked 4 hours straight.

6. I am starving again....

7. Got an FB message from Yvt reminding me that in Taiwan I'm officially 31!!!

8. Let's eat and drink and dance and be happy!!!

幫幫都幾乎滅頂
　

原本 30 分鐘的地鐵變成一個半小時, 大紐約地區整個癱瘓, 原本訂的餐廳也沒開門, 還好 Upper Westside 有滿多可以選擇的好餐廳, 我們一行六人進了一家義大利餐廳, 開開心心了三四個小時.

唱了歌吹了蠟燭

28號當天呢, 我先享受了天堂般的九十分鐘馬殺雞. Hoboken 的 Body Balance 是個很舒適的按摩工作室, Jovana 是我遇到最讚的按摩師~ 全身舒暢啊... 完全不理會我老闆狂寫來的信, 她想假裝不知道我今天休假嗎? 我這一個禮拜都休假啊, 有什麼要緊事, 請告知我秘書. 什麼? 我沒有祕書嗎? 那不好意思啊, 愛莫能助.

為了出門吃個晚餐, 踏過滿目瘡痍的市街, 雪水處處是, 可是歡笑滿滿, 大家似乎都對踏雪又愛又恨的. 整個 midtown 充滿觀光客, 聽不到紐約口音的英文, 聽不到英文.
終於吃到 Ruth's Chris 的牛排啦, 紅肉的天堂.

再吹一次蠟燭 :)
開心呢

所以十二月有快樂啊! 謝謝大家!

風雪夜

2010-12-26T23:43:00.005-05:00

大風雪吹得所有的門都在響, 僅僅在我這層樓才兩個單位, 就有四個門, 據說是防火專門設計的, 但是我單純覺得我房東的強項就是擾民. 這四個門都在哐啷響, 不過它們都不直接迎著風雪就這麼囂張, 可見直接檔著暴風的那些門一定很努力站在崗位上. 我的窗戶也在響, 雪打在紗窗上的聲音還滿討人厭的, 嘻嘻酥酥. 雪打在冷氣機上沒什麼聲音, 但是冷風似乎可以灌進冷氣口滲進房裡來.
我盯著天窗, 風太大了, 圓圓的天窗積不了雪, 據說外面已經積了兩尺深了.
開玩笑, 我可是在賓州見過大場面的, 兩尺算什麼. 說老實話, 我一點都不想念賓州.

開心的時光總是過得特別快, 今年過得特別快, 讓我小小的感傷, 因為我有預感明年的現在一切就要不一樣了, 一起吃飯玩笑的人將要換場, 每隔一兩年就是一個週期, 有人要離場或是幾齣友情的戲就要落幕, 不得不向留學生的宿命低頭. 即使已經不是學生了, 周圍的朋友是留學生就逃不了聽著流行歌忍不住落淚的週期.

瀟灑都是不得以練出來的功夫. 活在當下的同時還是想要罵髒話, 開心得笑到臉都僵了, 一個轉身卻又擔心功夫練得油條了, 讓人真的覺得我不在乎了. 這八年多真的很傷神, 曾經某一段時期頗要好的朋友如今已經不知去向, 或是我跟他們單純的往不同的方向成長, 吃了素,信了主,結了婚,搬離美國東北,或是我默默的決定“就這樣了,祝你幸福". 然後我又截然一身.

於是我就窩在麻嗎從台北寄來的韓國超暖和電毯裡敲著鍵盤聽著風雪聲, 想想只有家人是最可靠的. 雖然我可靠的家人只有一個... 總比沒有好, 一個德國朋友好幾年沒有回鄉, 因為沒有一個家人是她喜歡的. 家人也是一種緣份阿.

風雪夜的年底, 我期盼明年的同一個時間我會說 2011 過得真快阿.

being present

2010-11-18T19:07:00.011-05:00

What would you do when a payphone rings?
I picked it up. The voice sounded like a glass-wearing white male in his late 20s.

Every time when I talked to a stranger on the phone, my visual system was activated with a vivid imagery of the speaker's gender, race, age, and even outfit. I don't know why but it works for me.

The glass-wearing white male in his late 20s said "We are almost there. Looking for a parking."
"Ok. But who are you?" I said.
"What are you talking about? Don't leave. We'll be there soon." He said.
"Fine," I said, "But you don't even know me."
"Just don't leave."

I guess in his hearing-mediated representation of me I were either his friend, his high school sweetheart, or his blind date. Anyway, I hung up the phone and laughed hard. After three rounds of beer, I laughed easily. Superstar, Aya, and I were all in an easily pleased mood. The atmosphere in the McSorley's Old Ale House lifted our spirit into an even higher level after tasting the best ramen in New York (or the US if I were in a New-Yorker state of mind).

Quality of food and drink definitely contributes a large part of a good dining experience. However, without an authentic, culture-specific feeling from the dining environment, one restaurant, beer house, cafe, or a vendor stand must not deserve the gold medal for being the best of its kind. Minca is no doubt the winner of the gold medal in the ramen domain: the Chinese-style Japanese cuisine with specially made (e.g., hand-made) noodles and thick broth of pork, fish or chicken. (I'm sorry, vegetarians)
It's hard to carry a conversation while fully appreciating ramen. The relationship between the diner and the ramen is way more important than anything else. The heavenly time was only enhanced by watching Aya having conversation with the waitresses. It was like listening to the tango jazz that DJ Gary Walker played from time to time or like dancing a tango vals: moving, turning, & smiling from understanding without explicitly exaggerating phrases such as "Thank you very much for your help!" or "Awesome!". Was I using wrong metaphors for the witness of the Japaneses conversation? Or I was simply happy.

Talking about visualization of a speaker, I had always thought DJ Gary Walker was a black man with witty jokes, frank opinions, and super contagious warm laughter. His voice and the music he played have brightening each and every morning of the past three years. To make sure that I spelled his name correctly, I went onto the Jazz88 website and found him a white man. Oh my... Suddenly I felt I didn't know him anymore... (as if I had known the imagery of him being a black man for three years).

The good night had to be continued after the ramen. The long line waiting outside Minca prevented us from having some beer or enjoying some low-paced chilled time. So we walked away with a goal of popping into a brewery. On the way from the Lower East Side to the East Village, there were many pubs, bars and lounges for selection. Neon signs screaming "OPEN", "Budweiser", "PUB", "Guinness", or "Happy hour all day everyday" failed to attract more than our transient attention. We were determined to... or I was determined to trust Superstar's sense of direction and memory to lead us to the famous old brewery. We found it.

When walking through the crowded bar area, I saw at least 10 half-pint beer mugs on each table we passed. "Wow, people are binge drinking here." I thought.
A big guy with a type of body for a dance club bouncer (looking like Gerard Butler but 10 years older) violently seated us. First, he separated two tables and kicked a chair against the wall. "Sit down here." He said.
We did according; however, I tried to move the chair that had been kicked moments ago to get closer to the table. He stopped me immediately and insisted that the chair had to be at the wall. "Just sit down." He demanded.
"How should we order?" I followed his instruction and asked for more.
"I'll be right there with you." He left us speechless, and then did come back with a question "So?"
"What do you have?" I knew I sounded innocent, but I saw no blackboard written with today's special. Being honest of being a newbie is my rule of life.
"Beer." He replied and left again. We looked at each other in awe. But pretty soon he came back with six half-pint beer mugs: 3 with amber-colored ale and 3 with dark stout.

The stout was impressively good and smooth and delighting!
Each of us tried the two flavors, and within a very short of time the mugs were empty.
"Another round?" The waiter came back.
"Sure!" We all responded, "Only stout this time, please." He brought back 6 mugs of stout. Now I knew why there were so many mugs on each table.

No TV. No sports. No games. No flashing lights. No young hot bartenders. No waiters with fake smiles. Just sounds of people, celebrating the end of a week, birthdays, or simply this existing moment decorated by good beer. Framed photos covered the wall. Wood shreds (or powder-ish rather) scattered on the floor. Laughter filled the air.
While we were having the third round, the payphone on the wall rang. Superstar answered it. He showed his trademark smile, but I could not hear a word. People were loud laughing, chatting, and being themselves around our table. Aya was telling her opinion on some subject that attracted attention from a nearby stranger. We were all laughing. The payphone rang the second time, and I volunteered to answer it. I seriously did not care whether that glass-wearing white male in his late 20s met up his friends. He might not be a glass-wearing white male in his late 20s anyway...
The waiter later told us that the payphone was actually the house phone, but no one seemed to care whether it rang or not. Things did not matter that night.

Sometimes you find lots of things do not matter. Being happily feeling the soundings at the present moment matters.

mark on the nose

2010-10-27T17:05:00.003-04:00

For several days, I saw a stain on my nose, midway between my nose tip and the center of the eyebrows. I saw it first time one day home when using the bathroom after work. I wiped it off and wondered if my face was bleeding somewhere for the entire day because the stain was quite dry. I saw it again the next morning when using the bathroom at work. I wiped it off and wondered what happened to me. Since then, I was very conscious about my nose and the appearance of the stain every time I looked into the mirror. I found it only in the mornings.

Yesterday after a sip of coffee, I saw myself in the mirror and found a wet fresh stain on the exact location of my nose. Oh so it was always my coffee mug giving me that stain! The skin over there had so little sensitivity.
I was actually happy about this discovery. I am so easy to get happy. But what about the day I saw the stain after work? For the entire day, I had the stain on my nose, and no one noticed? Or no one dared to say anything? Or no one inspected my face while talking to me?

People are so trained to say nothing about people's appearance to their faces. One of the best time-killing thing I do with Superstar is judging people on the street, in the subway, in a coffee shop, and everywhere we could speak in Mandarin without being understood. We judge people's body shapes, dressing styles, and even their facial expressions. We admire beautiful men and women. We always have fun. Of course, we don't say it to people.
One night I spoke pretty loudly in Mandarin to the back of a non-Chinese-speaking stranger. I said "you're fat." Superstar stopped me immediately, "What if people understand you? A lot people are learning Chinese now." I defended myself, pretending that I knew nothing about political correctness/politeness, "I'm just describing her body in a neutral way. Like height, skin color, or foot size."
Basically, when a description contains socially defined negative meaning, people do not want to hear about it and do not want to say it to other people either.

For example, "There is a stain on your nose" may not be a very nice thing to say.
But it is so not nice to leave the stain on my nose for the entire day. I am not offended by comments about my Asian small eyes, round nose, big shoe size, or misaligned teeth. You're welcome to say those to me. When I am in Taiwan, I am fine with people saying that I am fat or tall because I am by the standard held there.
I wish I could go to a person and say in a frank but positive tone:
"Hey your hair can be more visually pleasant than it is now."
"You're so confident that you wear American Apparel."
"Your eyes are huge." (Well... I did that)
"I love your sweater." (I said this before too)
"Please close your mouth when playing video games."
"You'll smell better if the perfume is less strong."
"Keep your Chihuahua away from me."

When you see a stain anywhere on my face, please tell me. If you don't, I will feel you don't respect me. See? I immediately judge you again. Can't help it.

It's all because of this new coffee hug mama gave me. (How inspiring!) The mug was a sample that one factory was making for the Taipei International Flura Expo. I loved the artistic print on the mug, but the lid gave me the stain on the nose. Is it too late to demand the factory to fix this problem among others? Well... I cannot release the secrets of coffee mug making. But, mama, ask them to build a better mug lid that will not stain a coffee lover's nose.

beach time in Atlantic City

2010-10-24T21:10:00.007-04:00

October is not the best beach season for Americans. But it sort of is for me and Superstar. We walked on the beach after breakfast. We found no other human doing the same thing on a Friday morning. All we found were those left-overs of some mysterious creature from the Atlantic Ocean. They may have died before waves brought them up to the beach. They may have died because waves brought them up to the beach. I wish I saw some one alive and I could figure this out. Anyway I was excited and running around on the beach, yelling "here's another one" again and again as if I discovered some rare highly valuable gem.
I do not know what they are. They looked pretty ancient. Their history probably was billion times longer than humans. I should have seen them in an aquarium... or a fish market... but I could not recall.
To have fun with them, we gathered them together, facing the ocean:

With my shoes as a reference for size:

Who would've known that I had the best memory of Atlantic City on the beach of a windy chilly Friday in October? Who would've known? I was happy on Superstar's birthday (and Ching's).
A little happiness at a time.

very young and beautiful Asian girls

2010-10-17T20:38:00.004-04:00

Sitting in a comfy couch and seeing a piece of beach with cloudless sky from the 11th floor of the hotel, I was caught by a page in Atlantic City Weekly. It was a page for massage advertisements. I did want some massage on vacation, and thus I stopped slipping through pages and read. But there was information more than massage.
Faces or bodies of female Eastern Asians were emphasized in pictures as well as in texts. If not, the word "oriental" would be mentioned.
I asked myself, "Do I want a session of great massage or some kind of 'massage' with an Asian girl? Would the girl perform massage at all? Or she would simply stand there smiling at me, showing me some of her skin from her privates?"
Just look at the page. Isn't it interesting? The "VIP ESCORT" ad, far left in the second row, featuring a girl showing her cleavage, said "beautiful young Asian girls". However, another ad "TOKYO ESCORTS" totally beat it because this ad featured a sexy back with texts "Have a fantastic time with very young and beautiful Asian girls". In addition, the "TOKYO ESCORTS" emphasized that "Outcall only" and "We come to you..." You know what? I loved those three dots. I almost called. Almost. I was afraid that I would not see the "very young and beautiful Asian girl" knock on my door, but a not very young or not very beautiful Asian woman would come with a beefy bodyguard and a "manager" who wanted to recruit me.

Later, I took a long walk on the Broadwalk and found so many massage stores. An Asian woman was sitting at or standing by the door of each store. None of them, women and the stores, looked slightly enticing. I would ask Superstar to give me a massage. With dot dot dot.

斷交

2010-10-04T22:11:00.002-04:00

她跟我在電話裡斷交了。
朋友的定義是如此薄弱啊，一言兩語就情斷意絕。
只因為我沒有及時慰問她剛剛分手的難熬，她說得我一句也反駁不了。她形容我的行為，我沒有否認，我的確是放著她不去問，因為她沒有求援，因為我不會安慰。可是她指控我的罪名，我一個也沒有承認。我只承認我沒做到她定義下的「好朋友」。

可是想想，從小到大，每次我分手的時候，誰每晚會問候我？誰有問過我曾經有多難過？誰看過我哭過？我一個人還不是就這樣長大了，就這樣過了好多年，難道我要一個一個打電話跟所有認識的人絕交嗎？
跟某些女生當朋友真是累啊。要求真是多，她問我為什麼明明知道她是這麼在意卻還是沒理她，她怎麼不問問她自己到底有沒有了解過我是什麼人是怎麼表現在意的。
但是她一個氣頭上，我沒有必要跟她針鋒相對，我沒有跟她證明我是怎樣的人。我需要證明什麼啊？我為什麼要強辯自己是有多在乎她啊？難道要我切腹自殺割脕謝罪嗎？
我讓她唸完，我吸了一口氣只說：看來我們做不成朋友了，晚安。

就這樣了，我又跟一個人分手了。為什麼我老是那個提出分手的人？受不了我的人為什麼不果斷點呢？就說你不想要再理我了，我ＯＫ的啦。不要一直數落我還不自己走，等我說了，你又可以再多加一項罪名在我身上，說是我要分手的。我不在乎了，我們已經不是朋友了。

things you never know

2010-09-21T19:09:00.001-04:00

1. The big old man somehow treats me like his pen pal. No one seems to like him. He was like a concrete wall with the physique of a basketball player. I had always thought that he looked down on people not only because of his height but also because of his pride. Rumors say that he is so so so proud of himself and his accomplishment to the medical field. I did and do pay respect to him. However, I was never afraid of him. For me, he was the big boss, and business is business, nothing personal. Now, he and I are friends. Seriously. He would email me his excitement on a trip to Taiwan and another trip to China. He would email me his great experiences in those countries. He would wish me have a great time and take care and use different fonts here and there. I am wondering whether he has grandkids. I could be his grandkid or a friend who can listen to him and say something back without being worried about my career.

2. I met the boy who was my first love fantasy even before I fell in love with Andy Lau. After 20 years, I could still see why he attracted me back then, but I do not see any attraction any more. I never told a soul about him at the time when having a feeling for him. I was too young and too busy. In a couple of years, I moved my fantasy to movie stars and got distracted by another boy who later got married at the age of 20. Things have evolved into very different things. At each stage, there is a certainty. At 11, I was certain that he would never love me and so I would keep the secret forever. At 21, I was certain that I would never feel more alive than having such a wonderful college career. At 31, I was certain that I would never know who I will meet and who I will keep in touch in the next 10 years.

3. My brother got the job. Mama emailed me the good news. I was so happy for her and of course for my bro. I always believe in mama. However, she always has doubts. She is afraid that she raised me and my bro in a horribly wrong way. So horrible that both of us are strong heads and independent thinkers. It is not horrible at all. It just makes our lives tougher because we believe we can do what we want to do and because we are so not listening to others. We want our own careers instead of a path set up by parents or a position prepared in a family business. Finally he made it! He learned it the hard way, but he earned it hard.

4. Taipei is so lovely. Of course, I have always loved it. However, the last trip touched a string in my heart that I had thought it would not happen until mama's hair got all silver. I felt acceptance. I felt that Taipei accepted my existence. I have run away for eight years, away from the traditional burden on women, away from the pressure for holding different opinions on being happy. This time around I did not feel out-of-place and I felt that I could possibly move back.

5. Work piles up as it always does. I did not make a to-do list at the end of my trip back to US, which is rare. Something made me relaxed. I am not going to slack off but I will re-pace myself. Time to reset.

6. I accidentally reset my iPhone and lost every thing. EVERY thing. Arhh... all the pictures taken in Taipei disappeared. The pictures with grandma and friends... Now I am trying my best to reconstruct every moment when I had meals and meetings with them. Never ever try to be a smart arss when being attacked by jet lag.

開心啊

2010-09-07T11:38:00.006-04:00

八年來第一次幫麻嗎過生日啊！
不知道是她比我開心，還是我比她開心？
七點多先吃個早餐，聊天聊到十點多，然後各自在自己的電腦前做事做到十一點多，吃個午餐和水果。啊～　涼麵口味數十年如一日的熟悉，麻嗎蔬菜湯依然是沒有負擔的好喝，超大台灣水蜜桃多汁多甜又多果肉。
小小午休一下，看看公事，回應美國方面的文件，一個下午又過去了。

漢漢打扮體面帥氣，麻嗎拿著我神秘禮物，胚穿著班比巧手兩針的一片裙，我們三人出遊去！
好有全家福的幸福感。
感謝 Judy 介紹還幫忙訂位的餐廳，四知堂果然名不虛傳，三十年前的鄉下老氣氛，舒服的木桌木椅，老書老壺老擺設，柔和的燈光，無敵居家親切的招待。
小菜中的山葵立刻獲得麻嗎讚賞，清蒸海瓜子與絲瓜是鮮美極品，老闆特別為壽星準備的豬腳麵線更是驚艷... 入口即化的豬腳是我們祈求三十年的夢想啊... 因為阿嬤滷的豬腳總是硬梆梆又太鹹，每次回家大團圓，總是避開阿嬤視線，拜託她不要丟一塊豬腳在我碗裡。
今日全魚也是一級棒，是沒吃過沒想像過的烤全魚，魚肉裡竟然有馬鈴薯、梅子、檸檬的香味。
一桌好菜後，以為就沒啥新奇，可是讓麻嗎跟漢漢最讚賞居然是招待的甜點：香濃的仙草盛在紅豆湯裡，還有綿密的豆花。好久沒有出來吃館子吃得一家都開心呢，非常開心呢。

晚餐後的節目是去兜風，一路開到八里，在左岸吹夏夜晚風散步看淡水，玩到十點多才回家。
麻嗎說她累癱了。嘿嘿，我還滿得意的，我想我們都滿得意的。

光頭的背影

2010-08-17T21:31:00.004-04:00

我認識幾個光頭佬，他們並不老，只是二十幾歲就禿了，索性就剃光了。
有兩個光頭佬的魅力不因為光頭而減少，他們曾經在不同的時間點增添我生活的樂趣，不過他們都已經不知去向了。

Heath算是瘦小但是精壯的體型，很 man 很宏亮的聲音。最常用的字眼是 f 開頭的那個字，是名詞動詞也是副詞形容詞，但是從不覺得他在罵人或是情緒化，他就是可以很有創意很生活化的用那個字交到很多朋友。
他有很多朋友嗎？我其實不是很確定，但是我倒是很欣賞他的直率，完全沒有一般美國白人裝模作樣的虛偽，他開心他不開心都直接表達。
我記得他說流利的法文德文和西班牙文，一點也不像典型的德州佬。我羨慕他去過很多地方，我也想要當考古學家。
他烤的牛排很好吃，道道地地的美式大塊牛肉，大火上烤十二分鐘五分熟，粗鹽加新鮮黑胡椒，那是我記憶裡很開心的一個夏天傍晚。在座還有誰聊了什麼話發生什麼事，我不太記得了。
然後呢？他說他戀愛了，他開著他的卡車回德州參加高中同學會，跟過去老同學再見鍾情？似乎是這樣的，總之他回來賓州後就說他戀愛了。認識他的人都滿意外的，Heath 不是不相信戀愛的嗎？
他很會攀岩，徒手攀岩的他像是蜘蛛，快速來去不畏地心引力。
他家裡放了一個倒過來的枯樹，根在上，粗粗的枝在下。還放了一張至少 4x6 的童年大頭照在客廳裡。他是我唯一認識的被領養長大的人。
我借他看 Before Sunrise 和 Before Sunset，而且一起在他家裡看完其中一部。
我對他的記憶就是這樣，不是很連貫，就在離開賓州時，我決定那兩部相隔九年的電影不再是我念念不忘的好作品了，Heath也不見了。
今天經過一個街角，一個帶著圓邊布帽的光頭佬讓我想起了 Heath. 啊，Heath 也愛穿很合身的 T-shirt 的。我沒有等那陌生人轉身，我已經看見 Heath 的笑臉，我繼續往前走。

偶爾這樣想起一個生命裡的過客，我淡淡的笑，他現在人在哪裡並不重要。

傷心事

2010-07-22T21:21:00.002-04:00

她淚眼汪汪，這是第二次讓我撞見，她依然推說這是過敏反應。
我也是容易過敏的體質，今天的空氣品質可是很好的呢，炎炎夏日，有風，沒有花粉，沒有煙塵，也不是動物換毛的季節，這藉口實在太沒有說服力了。
我於是走進她辦公室，問 "Need a hug?"
街上常遇到身上掛著 "FREE HUG" 的年輕人，但是去擁抱他們的人不是很踴躍，像我這麼三八又愛抱抱的人都沒去抱過那些似乎在推銷熱情的陌生人。
今天我主動出擊了，珍妮點了一下頭，就在我懷裡哭了。我不是陌生人。

在我的工作環境裡，常常有陌生人告訴我很私密的事情，他們是中風病人或是病人家屬，都是很脆弱的人，我聽我點頭，我說 "我不能體會你的感受，因為我真的沒經歷過你正在經歷的事情，我很抱歉你這麼這麼不好受。"
如果自我介紹說我是神經認知心理學家，有些病人或是家屬就會很積極的問我腦傷可能怎麼影響他們的腦功能 (所謂認知是腦功能的一部份，包括空間感，時間感，五官知覺，語言，學習，記憶，注意力，動作控制，音樂能力，邏輯能力，人際相處等等），有些人還會記下我介紹的科普書。積極尋覓知識的病人通常都復癒的比較好，憂鬱的病人往往離康復的目的地非常遙遠。

當察覺同事難過的時候，我第一個反應通常是假裝沒看到，希望他們認為自己故作堅強的本事是很高超的。如果我拆穿他們，他們可能會很窘會更難過。再讓我看到一次，我就會私下去關懷一下。
個性使然嗎？經常有同事一進我辦公室就關上門，說要我跟說些我絕對要保密的事情。我的助理甚至拉我到遠離實驗室的房間，熱淚盈眶的說她的傷心事。我現在有好多人的秘密啊...　我聽我點頭我說 "我不能體會你的感受，因為我真的沒經歷過你正在經歷的事情，我很抱歉你這麼這麼不好受。"

珍妮的眼睛哭得太紅腫，掛著墨鏡跟我一起在中庭用餐，同桌的另外兩個同事不知所以，珍妮說她過敏，我笑說她對陽光過敏，珍妮接著說吃過什麼抗過敏的藥，Donnis and Malica 也附和起來說他們吃過什麼牌子的藥，聊到別的話題，笑笑鬧鬧一陣，回到辦公室珍妮的眼睛已經不紅了。
她表現的很專業，一樣準時上下班，一樣認真處理她的業務，我看得有點心疼。不過，上班工作跟同事哈拉其實是有療效的，她暫時不用面對那個傷心事。

我過得不錯，不只是還好而已，已經很久沒有太傷心的事了。
Time heals every wound. If you don't have health insurance, get a watch.
笑一個，就離傷心的核遠一點了。

shitty day

2010-07-19T19:09:00.001-04:00

It is one of those days that I feel like shit, and I should have just stayed in bed the entire day.
However, it does not just happen today. It has been a process piling up shitty things, and boom today I got hit.

Let's blame the weather first. This summer is so unbearable. Roasted in the car. Frozen in the office. Burned under the sun. Drowsy under the shade. My hermit crab Bully 小霸王 was found bathing in the water dish when I came home today.
I usually did not mind the heat. But I did not sleep enough last night, and I am going through those days when the stomach area is cranky. My head feels spinning. A few hours ago I was wondering whether it was really a good idea driving 40 minutes to see a patient. I decided to give a try.

I liked this patient. He made me feel that I am doing something important. I did not want to re-schedule him or stand him up. If I did, he would have taken it very personally and depressed. When a person is so smart and successful professionally, he/she easily gets depressed after a stroke. This patient was a successful man, and his weight symbolizes his wealth. I arrived there and found nurse aides to transfer him from bed to chair. It took four people and a lifting machine to complete the transfer. At this point, I could not back up and have to give it a try unless everyone's effort was wasted. A smile was always on my face, covering my cosmetic-free expression.
I took the patient to a big room with sunshine. The session started. After 30 minutes, he was so frustrated by his performance that he got a headache and he wished not to continue. I respected his decision and calmed him down. He kept apologizing to me, and I kept saying that it was alright.

I keep saying to many people that everything is alright. Earlier today my assistant dropped me a news, and I smiled and accepted it and could not help but begin to plan the next step. My boss threw me "suggestions", and I replied with "thank you and I will definitely do them." The to-do list is getting longer, and ... ha! I just thought of something, and opened up the work email, and sent a message to follow up a project. My head is so occupied with work and headache. I tell myself that everything is alright.

It is one of those shitty days that I feel shitty but I cannot show it. I could not even roll my eyes... I am toooo nice. Damn. Even the paying machine did not sense a touch... and made the easy 4-item purchase at the Eden Garden feel like waiting in line in a Walmart. Damn the headache and everything makes it worse!
Oh, everything will be alright.

p.s. Hermit crabs were fighting last night. Bauy 小寶 the new guy and the smallest (half size of the others) was threatened by Tiger 小虎, who was intimidated by Bully 小霸王. I watched them too late. They were amazing creatures. Perhaps they felt shitty too, being trapped in a transparent tank where the outside world looks so big but they cannot reach it.

難涼

2010-06-28T20:15:00.006-04:00

站在街上，流汗。
坐在家裡，流汗。
邊走路邊流汗，邊開車邊流汗，邊等地鐵邊流汗，邊看球賽邊流汗，邊跳舞邊流汗，邊睡覺邊流汗。
太陽很烈，空氣很濕，雷陣雨很突然，今年紐約夏天很台北。唯一不同的是，這裡晚上九點天才整個黑下來。
已經連續好多天攝氏 35 度左右的高溫，人都慵懶懶散起來，更容易早睡，卻不一定可以早起。

可是我就是可以早起...
三個禮拜前，我自告奮勇的強迫自己早一個小時到辦公室，試試看當個 morning person 的感覺，竟然有一種莫名的很對得起自己的成就感。以前老覺得畢業後就沒有很努力，下班後提不起勁多讀點書，現在下班後不做事完全沒有罪惡感。
原來，我真的還滿喜歡我的工作的。
今天來了一個高中生，他是某某大頭的遠親，他說他就要升高三了，他來我們研究中心想要了解一下腦科學是什麼，降子他年初申請大學的時候，或是選修課程的時候，或甚至是大學畢業後要念醫學院還是進研究所就會比較知道有個底。我聽了還挺開心的，難得遇到有衝勁似乎還聰明的美國白人小孩，於是就很有熱誠的跟他聊了半個小時。想當初我在他這年紀的時候也定好了志向了，他的年紀整整是我的一半啊，我好不容易終於變成前輩了，偷笑偷笑。

後來我的研究助理進來跟我報告她的流水帳，她今天又穿得很辣，我應該要提醒她不能露乳溝的，但是我沒說，只問她身體好一點沒，她這個月請了兩天病假了。我也是喜歡漂亮的人事物的，如果她笑起來不甜，長相身材普普，天天跟我計較午休有沒有滿一個小時，我才不要養她呢。唉，可惜典型的假面笨笨美國人還是多過聰明機伶的小孩。

連續高溫，路人越穿越少啦，Hoboken 和 Manhattan 完全不代表美國人平均身材，男人女人都像是平面雜誌廣告模特兒，下班後就坐在河邊看夕陽，看紐約市，看漂亮的人體，看可愛的小朋友和小狗，看班比多會流汗。

熱熱熱熱啊

change and the PA trip

2010-05-30T14:45:00.005-04:00

2005

2010

Within five years, a residential community, apartment complex, has been built on location, and the restaurant made a hill to block the ugly view of match-box houses.
Things have changed. Or some people would like another word for it: Things have evolved. Anyway, I spent my vacation in Pennsylvania last week. First stop was State College, where I lived from August 13, 2002 to May 28, 2007.

State College is different now. For a person who dislikes cupcakes, I tried cupcakes downtown State College. The store is new and called Indulge. Surprisingly, I did not dislike them.
Herwig's moved to a location on College Ave. The food was not as good as before. But the space was much bigger for seating me and my friends.
The night club Players changed its name to something else, but the logo looked the same to me.
The End Results became a bike store. Many more PSU-logo-ed stores are open. Many more clothing shops are open. But why are there two Dunkin Donuts? Hey, Starbucks, get one more store in State College, please.
The Big Bowel Noodle moved to its next door, and is much cleaner with a cute logo.
The downtown cinema is gone and became a Chipotle. The theater on College Ave plays independent films.
I found a Five Guys burger place in town! I really like it in Hoboken.

However, most of the things did not change. The wall of paintings of local elites is still there colorfully. Webster's bookstore. Allen Street Grill. Irving's. Zola. Indian Pavilion. PSU Creamery still serves super-sized scoop of ice cream. Tourists still take pictures with the Nittany Lion. Squirrels are still everywhere.
Standing there, I realized that I didn't miss it at all. I felt very little connection between me and State College/Penn State. Because my graduate-school advisors no longer live there? Because many friends moved or are going move out of it? Because of the new stores in town? No, none of those. It must be me.
I must have changed.

Without much burden of emotional memory, I visited State College and the other towns: State College -> Mill Run (Fallingwater) -> Mt Pleasant -> Ohiopyle -> Pittsburgh -> Bird In Hand -> Intercourse -> King Of Prussia.
I had a great time. Change is good.

Re-visiting my 5-year pennsylvanian life in 6 days

mother's month

2010-05-18T22:14:00.000-04:00

It's the season of graduation, and it's why the traffic was so good in the morning. I guess. People are taking days off for their children, their close families, and their loved friends' graduations.

Last night the Chinese restaurant owner asked me why less and less Chinese students came to order food, and was it because they had some meal plans? I said I was not studying in this town. She apologized nicely, and I smiled and left. I knew my look has not changed since I was 12.

I am so done with schools.
I remember pieces of my graduations. The day I graduated from the kindergarten was the day I first tasted McDonald's, which was right next to my school and was one of the first stores opened in Taiwan. That was the only graduation that my father participated. I don't quite remember where mama was, and I believe that she was on a business trip overseas.

Several days before my elementary school graduation, the teacher was making a decision who were the best ten students in the class. She asked me if I minded to be the 11th even though I was actually one of the two 10th. She said that I could still sit on the stage but my name would not be called. I guess I was alright about it. I don't recall any family member being there for me. I had been used to being left alone by my parents, seriously, at that point of time when they were so busy with their own mess.

Junior high graduation was quite emotional. Everyone cried. Many students, including me, started our own personalized yearbooks for classmates and friends to not just sign but also to write pages of notes. Some students would get mad if their "best friends" did not write much. Mine was held by a friend who eventually wrote 20-something pages. Now this friend and I have lost connection.
Mama came to my graduation because I graduated as the best student in my class. She wore an elegant light green suit. Her hair was long, and it sides were loosely gathered on the back with a simple delicate chignon. My hair was long too, and I loved it when people said that we were like sisters even though the speaker and the listener knew it was not true.

High school graduation was a blur. Everyone was very happy to get out of the school, and no one was feeling sad. In fact, many of my classmates went to the same university, but I did not, which never bothered me because I seriously forgot about the names of people I met during those three years within three months. The graduation itself was not memorable either, but the incidents afterward were. I got a huge bouquet with 99 red roses from a boy I went out with, and a bouquet with tens of champagne roses from a mysterious neighbor who took the same bus with me for years. They did not become my boyfriends.
Mama did not attend my commencement for it was infamously boring with politicians. However, I called her to come for my roses; they were too much for me to carry home.

Graduation from the university was quite fun. I volunteered to give a speech so that mama would agree to come. She did show up and appeared proud of me. I don't quite remember what happened after the ceremony, but I smile every time I thought about it.

I actually did not graduate from a masters program because the department did not offer one. However, they did offer a masters degree once I met all the criteria before continuing on my doctoral program. Therefore, I provided mama an excuse to take her first ever long doing-nothing vacation from work since she had started working at the age of 22. She came for my masters. I borrowed a gown and walked. After shaking the dean's hand, my hand accidentally left in his sleeve. Blame the ridiculous wizard gown. Was the dean a he or she? Oh well...
After driving Mama to JFK, I felt like accomplishing something huge, and tears came.

I did not walk after finishing the doctoral program. For me, the day I passed my oral defense was the day I graduated. And seriously, commencements were boring. And seriously, I refused to pay $850 to buy a doctoral gown. I used the money to fly back home for a month.

You will not believe it that I actually graduated once again two years after getting my PhD. The postdoc fellowship I got was a very structured program, which ended with a ritual sacrifice of my and my fellows' time (9am to 10pm). Although no one close or dear to me was there that night, I was quite emotional. I felt so alone. Professionally I seemed to achieve something, but personally I truly wished someone were there to make me feel that I might have achieved something. I drafted a thankyou note in my head as if mama were there.

Thinking back, my adulthood was shaped being "independent" or bravely alone. I am not proud of it. I wish everyone could get their dreams come true in their own countries, using their languages and being with their families and friends in a reasonable driving distance.

Today Mama just received her gift from me for Mother's Day, which I thought was May 16. USPS was not bad at all. I thought it would take at least ten days, but she got the gift in 7 days. Nice. She also found the wrist watch! She lost it a couple weeks ago. It was mine until last year when she saw it.

All I want to say is thank you and I love you, mama. I wish I got to say so at one of my many graduations. 麻嗎謝謝

I love you too.

華語電影

2010-05-01T10:35:00.006-04:00

最近看了幾部華語電影，有恍如隔世的感覺，懷念起說中文的世界。

我一直很喜歡舒淇的野性美，但是她對我來說不算是電影明星，而是個漂亮的明星，在看"非誠勿擾"之前，我直覺的想不出來任何一部電影可以說是她的代表作。我說不出來到底是"非誠勿擾"是個非常適合她發揮的故事，還是她真的很有演技，不過總之她是電影裡美麗的元素之一。班比要我留她的髮型... 男人對於長髮的執著真的沒什麼道理。就像我不喜歡男人留長髮遮眼睛，除非他是金城武。我扯遠了。
而葛優呢，當然就是個很棒的演員，從很久以前的"活著"，我就很欣賞他了，就算他後來在其他電影裡演配角或是更小的角色都是很搶戲的。看他表演就好像是看相聲一樣的精采和幽默，那些對白如果是台灣口音或是香港口音的演員說起來就沒那麼有效果了。尤其是他說著"人潮中驚鴻一瞥"那段，還有他用"欸"斷句或答話的時候，我真的是現在想起來都還是會想笑。他齟著嘴點頭的樣子還有點像我爸呢。
其實電影故事很簡單，是導演說故事的功力很好，演員表演很精采，畫面非常非常的漂亮，讓人想去蘇杭和北海道冥想。不過愛情的部份對我來說並不是很有說服力，也沒有特別感動，大概是因為我的確是有點人生歷練了，也看過太多愛情喜劇了，到底葛優為何喜歡上舒淇，以及葛優到底有多喜歡她，基本上不像是這電影的重點。而友情的部份，雖然著墨的時間不多，不過在葛優跟他朋友在北海道告別的那一幕，我差點哭了，時空分隔的老友與多年在異鄉的遊子這種題材果然是只有在有了人生歷練之後才有感觸的呢。
所以讓人笑又讓人哭，真的是很難得的時裝小品。我找到葛優的角色在電影裡的徵婚啟示，超對味的！　（剪貼自 Forever Fish)

~~~~

你要想找一帥哥就別來了，你要想找一錢包就別見了，碩士學歷以上的免談，上海女人免談，女企業家免談（小商小販除外），省得咱們互相都會失望。
劉德華和阿湯哥那種才貌雙全的郎君是不會來徵你的婚的，當然我也沒做諾丁山的夢。您要真是一仙女我也接不住，沒期待您長得跟畫報封面一樣，看一眼就魂飛魄散。
外表時尚，內心保守，身心都健康的一般人就行，要是多少還有點兒婉約那就更靠譜了。

心眼別太多，歲數別太小，允許時常有不切實際的想入非非，但三句話就能給轟回現實，還不氣不惱，頂多有點兒難為情地咧嘴一笑，就該幹嗎幹嗎去了。
我喜歡會疊衣服的女人，每次洗完燙平疊得都像剛從商店裏買回來的一樣。
說的夠具體了吧。自我介紹一下，我，歲數已經不小了，日子小康，抽煙不喝酒，留學生身份出去的，在國外生活過十幾年，沒正經上過學，蹉跎中練就一身生存技能，現在學無所成海外歸來，實話實說應該定性為一隻沒有公司沒有股票沒有學位的「三無偽海龜」。

性格OPEN，人品五五開，不算老實人，但天生膽小，殺人不犯法我也殺不了人，傷天害理了自己良心也備受摧殘，命中註定想學壞都當不了大壞蛋。總體而言基本上還是屬於對人群對社會有益無害的一類。

有意者電聯，非誠勿擾。

~~~~

讓我笑也讓我哭的另一部華語電影是"長江七號"。催淚的部分應該是大家都同意的那一幕小朋友哭著說他累了要老師回家，哭著說他醒來爸爸就回來了。成功的讓我滿臉都是淚。
更成功的部份是周星馳可以調教一群小朋友玩無厘頭的表演，他們的表情和對話幾乎跟周星馳和那群班底演員經常運用在其他電影裡的一樣，也差不多好笑，只是比較溫馨，性相關的笑話幾乎沒有。我很喜歡打蟑螂那段，一開始是有點噁心，不過我就是笑了。
然後... 就笑笑囉，娛樂兩個小時，不用想太多。

另一部在美國也租得到的電影是"赤壁"。應該說是兩部，不過對我來說就是一大部場面浩大，故事和對白莫名奇妙的古裝片。
我對三國志或是三國演義一點研究都沒有，在看這部電影之前，並沒聽說過趙子龍這號人物，卻變成我目前最喜歡的三國角色，英勇帥氣啊！胡軍真是讚啊。但是就是因為我幾乎不知道這個故事內容和人物，電影一開始我就整著亂掉，還要班比在旁邊跟我解說。如果只有書迷才能懂，這樣算是成功嗎？
至於超有名的關羽和張飛，他們一出場我就笑不停了，根本就是太典型的裝扮加上完全沒有深度的對白，為什麼關羽的鬍子都不會亂啊？為什麼張飛就是一個莽夫到白目的境界？每一個角色都太平面了，除了演曹操的張丰毅算是很值得讚賞的演出之外，其他演員讓我完全無法入戲。梁朝偉挺難發揮的，他跟小喬的一對一恩愛橋段幾乎都沒有必要，根本就是拖戲。金城武就是一個帥囉，不過我覺得他有把"穩重"演出來，不只是點頭微笑搧扇子，可是很難從他漂亮的眼睛裡找到他想要表現"內心戲"的企圖。張震就是... 他的聲音不會演戲。趙薇倒是滿可愛的，不過她脫掉軍帽玩起洗髮精廣告那招太搞笑了，把嚴肅的"女人也是可以報效國家"的氣氛完全拉到"女人仍然是花瓶"的無奈。
終於撐著看完整部戲，看了一下DVD 裡的幕後花絮，我又不禁搖頭，旁白過於突兀和嚴肅就算了，整個剪輯沒有整體性，覺得是草草亂亂的紀錄毛片。

後來，班比讓我看 "越光寶盒"... 我不喜歡搞笑片的重點是在取笑別的電影，一點原創性也沒有。只是鄭中基真的是醜的很好笑。

大陸電影蓬勃起來是很好的現象呢，帶動整個華語電影工業和市場，幕前幕後的人才終於又有舞台而且可以吃飽飯，觀眾才有福氣看到競爭下的好作品，好像回到小時候國片和港片盛行的年代，大家都有共同的電影回憶，同一個語言的笑點和感動。
如果我只能選擇支持一種藝術形式，一定是電影。如果我要重新回到學校，一定是學電影相關的領域。如果我學成可以有什麼貢獻，一定是貢獻給華語電影。啊，如果啊，十二歲那年愛上看電影，如果當時台灣的電影產業蓬勃，說不定我真的就認真考慮要把它當成我的志願呢。
期待看下一部好電影。

Facebook friends

2010-04-21T20:55:00.010-04:00

Perhaps I should've avoided it, but I did not. I clicked it. And my heart rate began accelerating before every thing appeared. And I kept on clicking to see every image as if it helped to slowed down my blood circulation.
I had been imagining about this day. Now I realize that nothing could prepare it. Since the first time I started imagining this specific event, I had come up with so many different scenarios, but I never thought Facebook was the media.

Some "friends" feed the "news" so frequently which makes me wonder if I really want to experience everything they feel so awesome or aweful about. Their news feeds cover the entire first "home" page and pushed the news that I actually may be interested (because those are from friends who I actually care or am close with) to the "older posts".
Like now, if you read this blog via Facebook, you may understand what I am talking about.

An RA went on a vacation with her ex-boyfriend. Another RA went to see a hokey game with her ex-boyfriend. I was like "why?" They went "oh, he is just a friend now."
I see, but why did you say you were going to do so and so with your ex-boyfriend, instead of a friend. An ex is always an ex. He or she will always be in this special category of "ex", and never ever will be a friend without any description. "Just" is a description.
Now we people have made yet another category of friends: Facebook friends. So tiring.
But at least, that's where an ex can go. You get it? A friend can be a Facebook friend. An ex can be a Facebook friend. But an ex cannot be a friend. So an ex and a friend can co-exist in the big pool of Facebook wonderland swimming with Facebook friends. However, an ex and a friend will never cross over to each other's category, but both of them may, as time goes by and my hearty feels fade away, become simply Facebook friends.

Sometimes, I wonder whether it is better to reconnect those old-time friends with Facebook and make them Facebook friends, or to keep them safe and sound in my memory as a friend.

newark without murders

2010-04-07T20:40:00.005-04:00

For many Taiwanese, Newark is one of the airports where they enter the United States and go visit the heart of the Big Apple, Manhattan. For me, it has been the place I want to avoid as much as possible.

I drove through there at night the first time in 2007 to pick up a friend at the Newark Penn Station. I told my friend that I had to be very focused and please do not talk me. Every time I stopped for a traffic light, I felt time crawling painfully slowly. I was very aware of anyone walking toward my direction or any car stopped near me.
How could I not be afraid? All the stores were fended with metal bars. More than half of the buildings were deserted with windows broken. People crossed roads at zero speed or without a sense of emergency from any direction. I wished I were not driving such an easily targeted car. I wished I were not an Asian gal.

I drove through there once during a day time. Technically, it was Kara who drove me through there to get my car. Bungbung had been towed within 15 minutes after I parked it in a parking lot of a commercial plaza right across the medical school. In case you don't know what a plaza is, it is a complex of buildings of restaurants, markets, and shops. Using my common sense, I thought I could stop there for 30 min to do some business outside the plaza. Someone must have spied on me and called the towing company the minute I walked out. Anyway, when Kara drove me to buy my car back, I was hoping my car was still in one piece... judging from the neighborhood around the towing company.

About two weeks ago I was in Newark for some academic activity. After giving a talk in the university, I decided to walk around and explore a bit based on my belief that things around the campus should be better and friendlier. I also believed that there should be many cute independent small cafes or shops around the university because of the liberal mind associated with students and scholars.
Oh well... I walked at least 5 blocks and found nothing interesting. In the heart of Newark, the number of abandoned buildings revealed under the noon sun was disturbingly large. It did not feel like a city. It was almost empty. Even the people came out seeking for lunch were no more than the people in downtown South Orange.
I almost gave up and found the Coffee Cave, which was exactly what I was looking for: a coffee shop with its own character. The zucchini panini was normally good. The latte was as good as I hoped. Art works of a specific artist were on the wall. A magazine on the homosexual communities was displayed. Flyers and postcards of local events were available. I sat there happily for an hour or so. But would I go back to Newark just for sitting in the Coffee Cave? I am afraid not.

Today since the morning traffic jam, I have listened to the same radio news for at least three times until I parked my car in the evening. The news was about a celebration, apparently, or a congratulation to Newark. What happened? Oh they are celebrating the fact that there was not a single murder in March 2010, which was the first ever murder-free month since May 1966.
I was like.... but just yesterday they found two dead bodies in trash bags. Oh, yesterday was in April, so it did not count. Right.. hm... I still do not want to drive or walk or do anything in Newark if not extremely necessary. I love my life.

I wonder how much power the mayor has in an American city. What can a city government do to make a city prettier and user-friendlier? Is there any private sector who is interested in making Newark a better place to live?
The look of Newark definitely needs to be redone. The fear of being in Newark needs to be addressed and reduced. Streets are not supposed be war zones. Streets are supposed to be inviting average good-intentioned citizens and visitors, not criminals.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, out of the 70 large cities, New York is ranked the 20th with 6 murders per 100,000 population in 2007, while Newark is at the 66th with 37.1 murders. By the total of violent crimes (e.g., murder, rape, robbery), New York is at the 17th, and Newark is the 36th. Today another news piece was about bikers complaining about how unfriendly Newark is for bikers. Who would like to ride a bicycle in a city where a crime can just happen anytime any corner?
Dexter is a good TV show. Why They Kill is a very good book. However, I do not want to be so close to a city of violence in real life. A city should not be celebrating a murder-free month but be ashamed by the fact that people are living in such a danger and fear.

Stop donating money and effort to other countries, America. Help your cities and citizens first.

detachment

2010-03-16T20:02:00.003-04:00

I knew he would simply be a data point in my final report. He would be dissolved into part of the "n" and provide some kind of "average". I would then say something about the likelihood or probability or odd ratio or "not reach statistic significance".
However, for him, stroke happened to him 100%, highly significantly impacting his cognitive, physical, social, and perhaps mental functions. When I was talking with him, he was not simply a data point. He was a brave survivor, enduring various kinds of tests and research experiment procedures. Therefore, I was detached from my "gotta-get-great-effect-size-published" mood, but became nice and smiley and helpful, and remained objective.
Mr. S was quite competitive. Although being a stroke survivor, his attitude and performance were much better than some of my "healthy controls" (i.e., neurologically unimpaired research participants). His wife, on the other hand, was in a not-so-well typical care-giver depression. I wish her well.
Everyone needs to be positive and hopeful in this situation.

When someone you care gets a stroke in his/her right brain, please please please google "spatial neglect". This disorder is most observable in the acute state (within a couple weeks after stroke). And you will understand why you have failed to understand your beloved one. This person's world is no longer like yours, and he/she will not verbally express it because for him/her, nothing went wrong.
How would you know whether the stroke is in the left or right brain? Easy. See if the patient's right or left limbs are weak or paralyzed. The limbs are controlled by the opposite cerebral hemisphere.
Mrs. S had been frustrated for almost 6 months until listening to my presentation on spatial neglect. She suddenly realized why it was so difficult to communicate with her husband in the beginning of his hospitalization. He had said that he felt weird, and usually said so in a visually crowded environment, but he was unable to say what was weird. I did not know if Mr. S had spatial neglect or any kind of impairment in spatial attention, but I knew there was some remaining spatial deficits, for which I enrolled him to my study.
I wished Mrs. S would've been educated more about the difficulty of caring a right-hemisphere stroke patient.

I am not saying that damage in the left hemisphere is free of spatial neglect. It's just less likely... about 50% less.

I talked to Mrs. C this afternoon. Her husband was by the bedside as well. Mr. C said that Mrs. C's memory was still very sharp after stroke. I explained that spatial function was more difficult to detect than memory in daily life. They both listened carefully to me, and they were interested to participate!
I would not know whether their data would be useful in my final report until they pass the screening tests. However, just talking to them I could feel that I helped already.

I was in a seminar of a conference. The presenter showed that patients who learned about brain neuroscience recovered better than patients who did not. That makes sense. Acquiring information makes people feel a sense of control. But more importantly, learning changes brain. To learn is to rewire the brain, which means to make the damaged brain re-organized.

It makes my day when I immediately feel a positive mood from patients after they listen to me.
Whether the final report will make my career or destroy many days of my life, I will not think about it now.

全球暖化

2010-02-25T15:30:00.006-05:00

你現在看到的是我家的天窗，從早上八點半開始，也就是我發動引擎離開 Hoboken 的時候，開始下雪，進辦公室不到一個小時，人事部發佈消息，要大家下午一點前離開。
我可是雪中老匠啊，早上出門前看著細細的落雪，想著昨天氣象預報不停說今天會下濕溼答答不乾不脆的雪中雨，就在猶豫到底要不要冒險，可是為了表現敬業，為了當研究助理們的好榜樣，我穿上雪靴，一拐一拐的出門了.... 一拐一拐是因為我的腳後跟受了笨傷，知道我的人見識過我隨便走走乾淨平地都可以扭傷腳踝，這腳後跟笨傷是前天關公寓柵門的時候，被柵門底刮下一層皮，血流難止了一個晚上。現在不穿鞋還沒什麼感覺，但是穿著靴子可是很痛的。誰叫我腿長呢 :(
總之，我抵達研究中心小丘底的時候，雪落下的速度已經快過鏟雪車能應付的局面了，當下決定不開上山丘頂，雖然研究人員必須要停在山丘頂，但是想到兩年前打滑的慘痛經驗，我決定停在醫院入口，反正今天醫院的警衛不會閒到來開我單。

小心翼翼到家的時候，雪已經下了超過五個小時了，天窗外是圓頂玻璃的，如果只是一點點雪，是會滑落的，如今雪都積的看不到天了。現在算算，是超過七個小時了。一點都沒有停歇的跡象，反而越下越大。
我個人認為是因為我前幾天擦車。我不是很常擦車的，因為幫幫停在路邊，每天要越過一個工業區帶我去上班，他是經常蒙著灰塵，不過因為是金屬光澤的寶藍色，又有可愛的笑臉，很少人看到他就立刻說 "怎麼這麼髒啊" ，通常是說 "我好愛你的車子喔" (然後我說 "我也是")。
我上一回擦車子，不到一天，就下雨了。我那次只擦了一遍，沒有很仔細。
我這回擦車子，因為在 Kimberly 家後院，我自在的悠閒的仔細的擦了三遍，並沒有很乾淨很乾淨，但是我已經不錯自豪了。三天不到，好了吧，下大雪。於是又再驗証一次：洗車祈雨的神奇效果，而且冬天可是會祈到雪的。
科學家說這是全球暖化的關係，笨美國保守人士不這麼認為，一直在罵 "全球暖化" 是個謬論。
好吧，你說啊，不是因為全球暖化，那是因為什麼呢？今天冬天的雪也未免太頻繁了吧，我已經不在賓州了，怎麼冬天還這麼長這麼濕呢？
全球暖化的重點是 "全球" 不是美國，暖化的現象並不是說冬天就消失了，而是這是一個怎樣的冬天，而且未來的冬天會怎麼樣。小時候大家都學過的啊，暖空氣容易帶水氣，這幾場大雪就是暖空氣帶了過多水氣造成的。另一個大重點是：暖化是一個氣候的變化，不是天氣的變化。就好像憂鬱症跟憂鬱是不一樣的。

還是不願意相信全球暖化，也不願意說為什麼不相信？美國保守人士很信奇蹟的，也很信沒有科學基礎的選擇性抽樣。那就怪我擦車擦得太仔細了吧。
都怪我吧。在夏天來之前，幫幫都要髒髒的了。

Feb 26, 2010 早上，這一幕讓我決定待在家裡望著雪景，寫我的稿子，讀我的期刊報告。

雪裡有霜也有炭

2010-02-16T22:15:00.001-05:00

從墨西哥回來的一個禮拜之內下了兩場雪, 整個就是跟墨西哥海岸的沙灘陽光是天壤之別.
美國的氣象都很準, 禮拜二一早大家就人心惶惶, 果然禮拜二下午很多公司學校機關就宣佈禮拜三修身養息好好冬眠.
也還好有放假, 不然我的研究計畫還真的很難審過改完, 禮拜三我整整在家工作了十二小時, 看著外面的積雪越來越厚, 祈禱第二天一定要放晴, 不然計畫寄不出去我一定會哭的.
也還好放了一天雪假, 台北家裡吵吵鬧鬧有人生病有人生氣, 我隔空安撫, 有點內外夾攻的感覺, 但也算是寫研究計畫之外的小小調劑, 雖然不是很正面, 卻也讓我感覺我跟台北沒有脫節. 親情果然是偉大的.
雪假的隔天, 天空大放晴, 我付了美金十五元讓人把幫幫挖出路邊, 研究計畫幾乎就緒, 我老闆卻在過了下午五點鐘之後才把一份重要的文件給我... 所以我一定要禮拜五才能完成寄送研究計畫申請的手續. 美國聯邦的研究計畫申請一定要研究機構的某一個人才能做寄送的手續, 計畫主持人不等同於計畫申請人. 所以我要等到人家上班時間才能請人家(研究經費辦公室經理) 幫我完成寄送的手續.
依舊一夜未好眠的睡了一覺...
班比老是朝笑我怎麼都能睡著, 隔壁 pub 的超強重低音之下我也可以準時在午夜前閉上眼睛遁入夢境. 但是夢境有分好壞的, 我經常夢見我在準備大學聯考或是研究所入學考, 身邊的同學卻又幾乎是國中同學甚至是大學同學, 我總是莫名奇妙的害怕國文歷史地理, 我覺得我一定會考不好... 卻又似乎很清醒的知道我早就過了大學聯考的年紀, 我連博士都拿到了, 國文歷史地理是我現在的弱點, 小時候我可是很不錯厲害的... 一定是班比經常嘲笑我的關係... 當我在夢裡提醒我自己現實是如何的時候, 我就醒了. 翻個身, 或許又睡著了, 卻可以重複惹人厭的夢, 不是在吵架就是在擔心. 然後鬧鐘響的時候, 覺得我一夜無眠, 腰酸脖子痛, 睡得好累.

禮拜五早上, 計畫送出去的那一刻, 我深切感覺到什麼叫做如釋重負. 我覺得我可以眼睛一閉就睡著. 實驗室經理說我應該要早點下班去輕鬆輕鬆. 但是因為寫這個研究計畫的關係,已經積了很多事情要處理, 尤其是耗時耗力不耗腦細胞的事情, 所以我留下來做完我該做的事. 沒想到四點鐘不到, 整個實驗是只剩下我一個人.
大家都要去過長周末囉. 以前我在賓州的時候, 總統節是沒有假可以放的, 紐澤西和紐約倒是有節就放, 這回剛好遇到中國年和情人節.
我興高采烈回家除舊佈新, 結果八點不到我就在床上昏倒了... 還自以為有精神可以去跳舞呢.

過年是什麼感覺?
上一回在台灣過年是 2002 年, 上一回很認真的在家過年是... 也是 2002 年. 因為很麻煩啊, 又不一定會遇到放假.
這次我有廚房我有客廳, 我還有廚子！買應景菜又算是方便, 於是就決定盛大的在大年初一辦個中國年 dinner party. 計畫是我們先盛大的買菜, 然後班比盛大的下廚, 我再盛大的洗碗.

班比在廚房站了一整天滷牛腱牛肚豬腳蘿菠, 我在客廳努力找周星馳賀歲片. 香噴噴的肉味加上周星馳的國語配音就好有過年的感覺.
在班比細細切菜的同時, 我準備了十六小時的國語歌曲(一半是王菲的), 還有九十張過年應景喜氣洋洋的照片要在電視螢幕上反覆的播放, 準備晚上視聽的背景.
六個客人, 美國德國和日本人都吃的開心笑得大聲, 於是班比的客家湯圓就沒有白費, 元寶年糕都有吃到, 我的客廳突然有了今年冬天少有的溫暖 (我客廳的暖氣可是很不暖啊).
不過我的酒量真的差, 一瓶 Sam Adams 啤酒, 和幾杯清酒, 我就紅通通站不直. 多虧班比懂事的妹妹和嘴賤心軟的阿雅, 不然我會洗碗洗到天亮.

今天禮拜二又下了大雪, 帥哥貼了王菲的新歌在我的牆上, 我心暖暖的.
或許我終於到了倦鳥的年紀, 要築自己的巢還真的不容易. 誰曉得明年的這個時候那些朋友還在不在身邊, 還在不在紐約.
我應該還是在寫研究計畫的申請案....

to travel to Mexico

2010-02-02T17:00:00.000-05:00

As a person with a nationality that does not get her to travel to other nations easily, I have to apply for traveling visa almost every time I go somewhere.

So I went to the Mexico Office in Manhattan (Consulate General of Mexico in NY) on a Friday morning, 10 days before my trip to Acapulco, Mexico. The building on the 39th Street between Madison and Park looked cultural and quiet. I walked to the door which was locked with a sign written in Spanish. Is it a Mexican holiday? I thought. Then a person walked by and pointed to a side door and told me to go there. He simply walked by and saw me confused and offered me help with a smile. I thought, what a nice guy.
I entered the building through a glass door. The security gate was obviously not working, for random things were stacked between the gate and no one was standing by or walking through the gate. Therefore, I went on.
A person, who looked no more than 21 years old in a blue security uniform, stopped me and asked what I was going to do here. I told him my purpose, and he turned around, retrieving a number tag for me. There was a number typed on one side and another number hand-written on the other side. Before I said thankyou, he already started talking to another visitor, so I kept going.

The place was like a market, not a westernized supermarket, but a flee market or a what we Taiwanese called a traditional food market. People were everywhere. I did not see any sort of organization but I could feel an organization. I did not panic but I knew I needed to figure out what kind of organization was, and followed it.
A girl, who looked no more than 21 years old in a polo shirt with an ID tag, came to me and asked me what business I would like to do here. I told her, and she said "Go to the 3rd floor". I asked where the stairs were. She pointed the direction.

There were people standing or sitting on the way toward the stairs or on the stairs. I walked up one floor, and a young man in the security uniform was sitting on the mid-level through-way between floors. He saw me and smiled. He did not ask me questions.

On the third floor, rows of chairs filled the small space between cubicles and an office. A few people were waiting on the chairs. I tapped on one waiter's shoulder, "Are you waiting for the traveling visa application?" The Indian man said yes, "Just wait here, and she will come out and call your number." I sat down and wondered who "she" was.
Ten or fifteen minutes later, more people came to wait and asked whether they were in the right place. A young lady with a ponytail came out the office and called names. Another lady, middle aged, with a figure of a mother came out another room, which had an illuminated sign "EXIT" above the door, and called names too.
Now I was more ensured that things were moving forward, and soon my name would be called. But wait... how would they know my name? A person in the waiting line must have been wondering the same thing, and he went up to the office and asked. The answer was "I will call your number. Please wait."
So I waited. And according to the numbers being called later, I was sure it was the hand-written number on my tag would be called.

I was trying to read a student's paper. However, a couple of Taiwanese were talking near me, and my speech recognition system was automatically listening to them. The girl was 25, and the guy was in his early 30s. The guy worked in a software company, trading things with China. The girl had worked in a Japanese company in Japan, went back to Taiwan for some time, and now came to the US for learning English. However, her English sounded much better than the guy's. They exchanged information that I would classified as basic information as if this was their first date. I hoped not.
Slowly, I reviewed the most part of the paper, and the couple were finished up with their application and paperwork. They left. I was relieved that I could enjoy my quiet waiting time. Then a middle-aged man initiated conversation with me. He was a shoe maker from Brazil. I did not know that people from South America had to apply for travel visa to Mexico, and I did not realize that Mexico was in North America.
We chatted until number 11 was called. I immediately stood up and told the ponytail lady that my number was 10 and had not been called. She welcomed me to her office while number 11 was sitting there. Ponytail took all my paperwork and asked me to wait outside. She was polite and nice, so I was polite and nice and waited.

The mother lady came out too and asked my number, and I told her the situation. She went to Ponytail and took my things and asked me to the EXIT room, which was actually a nicer office with an entire wall of windows.
"Mother" reviewed my documents and decided that I was well prepared, and she suggested me to get a 10-year visa. "I have your bank statements, credit card bills, paycheck receipts, and your offer letter. Oh, do you want to make a copy of the offer letter and paycheck receipts? I think they are very personal and you should only give me a copy and you keep the original."

So I went downstairs to make copies. The place was still like a market. Men and women and children were everywhere. I waited in line for the copy machine and was proud of myself that I found some implicit order in this culture. Hey, there was no sign for the line of the machine. The lady operating the machine nicely asked me how I would like to make the copies. She did what I said, and I returned to the 3rd floor.
After handing in the document copies, my picture was taken and my finger prints were captured. I got a ten-year travel visa to Mexico.

On the day of the departure, everyone except me checked in via a machine by themselves. I could not do it because I am not American or holding a green card. So I waited in line for a person to come over and make sure that I had the visa. He went "When are you coming back to the US? They gave you ten years?" and laughed a bit.
Before I was allowed to get on to the plane, a person was looking at my passport and confused. She never saw a Mexico travel visa. So an older guy came and told her that I was alright and let me get on the plane.
When I arrived in Mexico, most people went through the customs point very easily with a nice and loud sound of stamping on their passports. I was stopped for 10 minutes because the officer did not know what to do with my travel visa. Two other officers came and helped her. She was smiling at me all the time when looking at me. It was the same humble warm smile that I had experienced again and again when I was helped to the entrance to the Consulate General of Mexico in NY.

I did not feel very bothered by the whole thing even though much time was spent in waiting.
Honestly, all the Mexicans involved in my trivial visa story were so nice. They treated me as a good-natured human being. They did not question me or my visa. They talked to each other in Spanish and smiled at me. They did not make me feel that I was waiting for an insult or a harassment. So I smiled back and was patient, and here I am in Acapulco, Mexico.

Cheers.

牛年最後一次月圓

2010-01-29T21:27:00.001-05:00

才三天前，五點的下班時間天已經全黑了，加上連續好幾天接進冰點的低溫，我只想趕快飆回家。離開辦公室的時候，Priyanka 走進研究中心，她在趕一份研究經費的申請案，從醫學院下了課之後就來繼續工作。我跟她說別待太晚了。想當初我也是博士學生的時候，也是經常在實驗室裡度過所有醒著的時間，偶爾也有一些小睡的時間。

今天走出辦公室才五點十五，天上打下刺眼的光，一顆像是大號　pizza 的滿月掛在仰角約四十度的天空對著我笑。是因為我對著它笑，所以我覺得它在對我笑，我整個臉都是月光，微笑著的月光。它不像我家小月是介於鵝黃色和正黃色的，它是 2B 鉛筆的橘黃色。
天色一點都不黑呢，是寶藍色的，像我家幫幫的顏色，幫幫正停在停車場，越光打著他，像是掛在天上的畫布掉下來的顏料。
看的我臉都僵了，氣溫只有零下八度，我還是躲進幫幫裡。一路上大大圓圓的月亮跟著我回家。

住在緯度高的地方的好處是，可以感受每天白天長度的變化，換季時那一兩天的驚喜，然後提醒著我人就是如此藐小，在人生有限的時間裡太陽系的運轉幾乎是永恆不變。
我想要在不同的緯度體驗四季變化，我想要在不同的陸地測量月光的波長和認知的月色。我還有時間去看看永恆不變的運轉下造成的因時因地不同的週期變化。我還有時間，不能浪費了。

過去十年的努力，我到了這裡。我很慶幸我努力了，所以現在的路比較好走不是僥倖。我要用下一個十年來做些新的事情，不需要再過著博士學生或是博士後研究員的生活了。月色如此美。

keep breathing

2010-01-25T21:37:00.004-05:00

My uncle, the younger one from my mom's side (xiao jiu jiu), has been staying in a hospital for about two weeks. He could not breathe on his own. Somehow his lungs are failing him.

I could not imagine how he looks like now. I never saw him lying down on his back.
He has polio. His spine is like a 3D spiral, pushing his organs into positions quite abnormal. He has big hands and a big head. He always said that he would be a tall guy if his spine could have been straightened and if he could stand up. He is a lefty because he cannot control any muscle in his right hand. When I was little, I saw him crawling on the floor, and watched relatives carrying him upstairs. He operated his powered wheelchair on a modified motor vehicle. He drove it as far as he could go. He would love to see the world.
He loves talking to people and listening to people. He is a fortune teller. Did he know that this is his bad year? He always said the end of a year (Chinese lunar calendar year) was the worst time for bad luck: everyone was trying to get pass through the year gate. I wish he will be back home before the year Tiger.

I had liked to talk to him before I decided to study cognitive psychology. To explain cognitive psychology to a fortune teller is not easy. For the sake of convenience, I told him I wanted to study the brain. He got very excited and wished I could eventually find a way for him to transplant his entire central nervous system to a healthy walking body. (I guess he has not had time to see the movie "Avatar"... I do not think he ever went to a movie theater at all.)
It was harsh for me to tell him that I didn't think transplanting an entire CNS was possible in my life time. For me, to dream with him is a cruel reality check that he is never able to have a straight spine, to stand up or to walk.
I also did not ask about my fortune when talking to him. He and I gradually could not find a topic interesting both of us, and things of life kept happening, and we've been separated to two very different worlds.

He became a father. Who knew he would get such a great wife and build a family?
I became me. Who knew I would be an English speaker for 90% of my daily functions?
But he is not just a relative living remotely away from me. He is a family. Mama taught him how to read and write. He respects her and loves her kids. When I heard he had hard time absorbing oxygen, I felt so helpless and useless. I wish I could be there for Mama, who must have been so distressed. I wish I could be there for xiao jiu jiu's wife, who must have been so pretending she was alright.
Mama just told me that a device was placed in his lungs and hopefully it will work. I really hope so. I really hope it will work for a long time.

小月的旅程

2010-01-13T22:34:00.005-05:00

民國九十一年... 大概只有台灣人知道民國是什麼玩意，我已經不知道現在是民國哪一年了，總之民國九十一年是我用西元年的開始，那年2002 八月十三，小月在我的隨身行李裡跟著我飛到了美國賓州。

2007 五月，小月跟我搬到紐澤西。有多明尼加來的小月神陪她坐在一起。

2009 年底，她離開我去歐洲旅行：

小月歐洲行

2010 lists

2010-01-03T02:00:00.001-05:00

I feel quite content these days and actually have not as many wishes as previous years. Alternatively, I found many things hopeless, which will not improve with wishes.
However, hopes make life more beautiful. Wishes make dreams more romantic.
Here is my wish-to-do list for 2010. Let's make some high expectations and work hard to meet them!

1. Travel to Japan, Spain, Iceland, New Zealand, or Argentina.

2. Get ten articles published, peer-reviewed or not.

3. Get five research projects funded, federal or not.

4. Learn a new skill, physical or mental.

5. Be more earth-friendly.

6. Participate in an organization or society unrelated to my profession.

7. Accomplish all of the above....

Alright, I was staring at number 7 and could not think of anything else that is more doable than a simple wish...
Next I am going to generate the wish list with items that I will have less control but much hope for their occurrence.

1. Mama and Superstar get healthier and happier.

2. Kim and Chris, Zabeth and Stefan have babies.

3. I get a window and another book shelf in my office.

4. My brother Yu gets his business growing and profiting.

5. Alex finds the job, and all my friends on the job market too.

6. Fewer people spit or litter in the New York subway.

7. All of the above come true.

The year has began. Welcome, 2010. Hope to do my best. Wish for the best.

white

2009-12-31T17:00:00.000-05:00

I dragged myself out of bed at 7:36am, four minutes after my alarm rang. Why did I set my alarm at 7:32? No, I did not. I set it at 7:28, and it would ring every 4 minutes after the snooze button was pressed. Why 7:28 instead of 7:30? Hmm.. I felt better in my head if I could wake up before 7:30.
It was so dark, as dark as last night when I went to bed. While dressing up, I heard the ring tone of a text message. I thought someone somewhere had experienced the first sunset of 2010. It was Naureen who delivered the first sign of the severe weather. She said she would be late to work because of snow.

I centered myself in thick clothing and had my coffee mug in hand and was about to open the front door of my apartment building. That was when I saw snow. Lots of snow. No surface of roads could be seen. My memory of February and March of 2007 came immediately into my visual mind. Oh, no. I breathed deeply and came back home, turning on heat and the computer. I am going to work at home and be productive.
By 10am, I had emailed out three messages that would be discussed in the lab meeting (oh, yes, we had a lab meeting on the last day of the year) and received information about two coworkers who have stuck in traffic since 7am.

Do I love my job?
Comparing to Vince, I should be more qualified to work in a university department of Occupational Therapy. And he actually is more qualified to work in a department of Neuroscience than me. The postdoc chief of the Research Center before me is currently a professor in Occupational Therapy NYU. However, I have not thought about applying a position in an OT department anywhere. Vince has. He is going back to Taipei for teaching in an OT department. My first reaction was not what a friend should behave. I was shocked and felt betrayed. But like Zabeth said: we are running behind an ideal that is not existing and life is short so it might be better to just go after what you know you want the most...even if it means that you are not doing what you always thought you would...

So true. I am now in a path that most cog psych PhDs would not choose: I am working with patients. I love the topic that I am doing research on. Spatial Neglect is fascinating, especially when I see it happening in front of my eyes. The other job contents were not expected in my life-long student years, but now I have learned how to do all those and hope doing them well.
How many people work in the exact same field as their highest school degrees? I would say less than 30%. It is because most jobs out there in the real world do not match a degree title. When they match, there are thousands of people compete for them. We do what we can offer. We do what makes us happiest.
I chose to stay near Manhattan because I could not stay away from a big city anymore. Life quality is prior to career development. This is in my blood of a city girl. When I was desperate looking for a living, mama said to me you do what makes you happy, my girl. My life accomplishment are my work and my children. However, I wish my biggest accomplishment was myself. At the end, only what makes you happy matters.
It is always easy to say so to others. I thank her for being unconditionally supportive.
I had said similar things to mama and others. But when it comes to myself, I struggle. Sticking to a goal that may conflict with other goals is so .... like a religious faith: You just wish the goal can be reached even though other goals may be sacrificed.

So do I love my job? Yes, because I love my life.
Winter is cold and snowy here, but I love seasonal changes. Like Millie said, we complain but we love it. It is so pretty. It makes you feel thankful that you can appreciate Nature in daily life.

HAPPY NEW YEAR's EVE
Stay warm and drive safe. Love yourself and your life.
See you next year.

2009 done list

2009-12-28T01:25:00.004-05:00

I bought 5 magazines summarizing what happened in 2009 and predicting what may happen in 2010. I guess the journalists pretend the last week of 2009 would be news-less. There are some articles reminding readers of the first decade of the 21st century.
The first decade of the 21st century contains my 20s. The last week of 2009 is of personal importance to me. I am going to say goodbye to my 20s.

How may I summarize my 20s? This is an impossible task. I can only summarize the last year of my 20s, which has been done in this blog. Just click the column on your right-hand side, and you're welcome to read all the entries.
In the first entry of 2009, I posted a list. Let's review it and see if I have made all the items better.

10. The car is good. Bungbung ran more than 5000 miles from Aug to Nov, which broke my driving record. It usually ran that much in 8 to 10 months, but 2009 has been proved to be a year of lots of traveling.

9. I never give it up because I have never made it. Every time I thought I removed some fat, fat renewed itself. I will keep trying.

8. I was not involved in HR. If I were, I would've hired two people within a week when I submitted the paperwork. I interviewed 8 applicants and decided to hire 2 of them. The final decisions were made not just by me (I wish) in October. The two new employees started their positions mid December. What happened? I don't wanna recall this.

7. I got a grant! Thanks to Mr. Obama. I need more. One big deadline is in February. Wish me luck.

6. I emailed a person. I met the other. 2009 is a year of reconnecting to people who broke my heart. I forgive and I move on.

5. I was in Taiwan in January and May. Very happy to meet Mika and to visit Neffy's new apartment with her wonderful super kind husband. Neffy visited me in Hoboken in August. Now I am trying to get a research project going with Ching. I wish to visit Yellow in Tainan. I wish to see Jason happy and healthy. Dear friends in Taiwan are precious.

4. A doctor told Mama that he never saw a person with so much "good cholesterol". Please stay healthy and beautiful, mama.

3. I love Superstar.

2. I finished my postdoc status in less than 24 months :)

1. Hoboken is perfect for my current lifestyle.

I shall make a new wish list in a week.
For now, I am going to stare at those flowers and to think of someone who sang a song in my voice mail.

Happy Birthday to Me.

2009 Birthdays

silent night

2009-12-24T23:57:00.002-05:00

Not a single sound has been coming through the walls.
The famous Irish bar next door is abnormally quiet.
Hoboken 7pm today feels like South Orange 7pm.
By 10pm, not a person is walking on the street. This is the first time I feel danger in this town.
Everyone is home.

A Christmas song has been ringing in my head since the Wednesday holiday concert in the Research Center.
I guess I feel peaceful.

I had my nails done.
I had a beer and a shot of almonds. Half of the people in the bar spoke with a foreign accent.
Are you like me who failed to get back to your family by tonight?
They are probably home. I am too. But families are far away.

Mama called and wondered why I was not with anyone. I reminded her that this is a family holiday, and that I am my own family here. She suggested me to get used to being alone, but if I could not stand anymore, she would welcome me home. Her words made me feel peaceful.

Life goes on, on to the next stage and the next. My campus-centered life became work-centered. The process was kinda painful and awful, but I survived. Now coworkers and I have formed a strong team, backing me up and making me smile.

Priyanka asked me if I celebrated Christmas. Comparing to Westerns, of course I don't really do anything serious or religious. But I like it. It makes me warm. All the decoration and all the greetings and all the smiles calm me.

Once I drew a tree for Christmas. It was not well appreciated.
The next time I bought a plastic tree. It was a waste and never used later.
Those two Christmases were not my favorites. Therefore, I don't need to have a Christmas tree in the house to enjoy the festive feeling. I can simply go out, and trees are on the street and are decorated beautifully.
It is a silent night. There is even no siren shouting around. It is simply a nice winter night, quiet and light.

Merry Christmas.

生日 birthday 願望 wish

2009-12-18T01:00:00.000-05:00

十天後我要過三十歲生日了, 而七天後是我的農曆生日, 今年剛好遇上聖誕節.
Ten days from today, I'm turning 30. In fact, seven days from today, it will be my birthday according to the Chinese Lunar Calendar, and it happens to be the Christmas Day this year.

滿三十又遇上聖誕節,所以我要許一個特別的願望.
For this special birthday, I would like to make a special wish.

我希望你可以送一個特別的生日禮物給我.
I wish you will give me a special birthday present.

If you read English, please scroll down, read the English part of this entry, and I will tell you how to give me the special present.

小時候我從來沒有想要當醫生的理想, 我覺得那是一個被壓榨的工作, 每天工作時數超長, 賺得錢都是家人享受, 新聞又愛大肆報導過勞死, 醫生的小孩又往往被形容成富家紈絝子弟, 有掏金夢的無腦女人常把 “嫁給醫生“ 當成她們的生活目標. 所以我一直認為有理想有愛心的醫生大概入行沒幾年就失去了熱誠了, 而醫生不過就是一個用生命換取貪婪目的的職業.
直到我看到無國界醫生的新聞, 我非常感動, 在這樣功利主義和美式資本主義為主流的時代, 有這樣一群醫療人員願意到沒有經濟報酬的地區, 救護一群沒有醫療資源甚至教育資源的人.
那則新聞讓我第一次興起想要當義工的念頭.

台灣常常有國外慈善團體的報導, 台灣也常常捐助國外的困苦老百姓, 非洲人尤其是台灣的捐助對象,像是飢餓三十, 認養貧童, 農業教育之類的. 可是台灣境內困苦的人呢? 是誰在照顧? 一定是有的, 但是媒體曝光率不高, 代表性的慈善團體常常給我過度企業化經營的負面印象. 而個人行為的慈善更是沒有曝光率, 不太容易激起群體的共相善舉.

兩年前我回台灣時看到商業周刊報導台灣路竹會, 創始人也是會長的劉啟群牙醫師參與過無國界醫生的義診, 他從 1995 起開始帶領醫療隊到山區偏遠地區去幫我們自己台灣人, 我鼓勵麻嗎去當義工,麻嗎真的有去報名,但是後來因為去出差所以沒跟著去. 如果你願意, 他們的網站上有說明如何報名, 沒有醫療背景的人也可以去幫忙的.

要怎麼送我生日禮物呢?
請依照以下方式捐款到台灣路竹醫療和平會

郵政劃撥：
戶名：台灣路竹醫療和平會
帳號：19487090 註：此捐款方式，路竹會需支付郵局手續費

銀行匯款：
銀行:永豐銀行新店分行
戶名:台灣路竹醫療和平會
帳號: 141-001-00120-867

如果你需要其他詳細資訊,可以用以下方式跟路竹會連絡
捐款服務電話：(02)-86-67-67-00 信箱： tradm@taiwanroot.org
這些捐款方式剪貼自 http://www.taiwanroot.org/htm/top-05.htm

如果你想要把禮物給我,由我來捐, 請點一下這個氣球：

然後祝我生日快樂囉 :)

Although I had read biography of Dr. Albert Schweitzer at the age of 8, being a medical doctor was never on my to-do list. I had not much respect for medical doctors. On TV news, these people worked to death and died with too much money for their spouses and children. Their life quality did not seem to meet my criteria of being satisfying. Women chased after them for their money. They had affairs with young ladies because they were rich. Their children were kidnapped because they were rich. It seemed to me that the positive image of physicians or surgeons was great wealth, but the negative image was also related to their wealth.

These images kinda changed when I read about Doctors Without Boarders on newspapers. I was quite impressed by those healthcare givers, going to people in need instead of waiting for people to ask for help. These doctors, nurses, therapists, pharmacists, aides, and all provided cares and examinations that I took for granted in Taiwan.

I did not think much about Doctors Without Boarders until 2007 when I read an extensive story on Taiwan Root Medical Peace Corps. This group was founded in 1995 by a dentist Dr. Chi-Chun Liu who had participated in Doctors Without Boarders. I was so moved by the story that I encouraged my mom to volunteer. I would have volunteered if I spent more time during my annual visit home.

Dr. Liu was awarded the Gusi Peace Prize just last month! I found this news when researching for material for this entry. I also found a news report released my birthday 2007 about the Taiwan Root Medical Corps' service in India.

Let's get back to the original topic: my birthday wish. I wish you will give me a special gift by donating money to Taiwan Root Medical Peace Corps or Doctors Without Boarders.

For people who read Chinese or live in Taiwan, I recommend you follow the Chinese instructions provided at the Chinese part of this entry. For people who read English or hold a credit card issued by countries other than Taiwan, please go to their English webpage. You will find a PayPal donation column on your right hand side.

For donating to Doctors Without Boarders, you can go their donation webpage and find out which method you prefer to make a donation.

Alternatively, if you prefer to give me the present and let me make the donation, you are welcome to click the following balloon.

Next, wish me happy birthday :)

things work

2009-12-10T20:51:00.005-05:00

Actually I have done a lot of things personally and professionally.
I was writing about my background, career goals, etc. for the grant I'm going to apply for. I wanted to mention all the information relevant to the proposed project, and I found almost everything I did in school was relevant. I didn't pave this specific journey on purpose although I did know the direction I was going. Now looking back, things did line up pretty nicely toward where I've wanted to go.

I mentioned what kinds of education I received in the National Yang-Ming University.
I mentioned Tzeng and Hung, of course. I got even quite emotional, so overwhelmed that I emailed them thankyou notes.
I had seldom mentioned about Henrich Cheng, however. This time I did. Because participating in his research projects is now in fact nice experience to mention.
I had seldom mentioned about my internship in the National Taiwan University Hospital, either. This time I did. However, I decided not to put the fact that I passed the exam for being certified as a medical radiation technician. Well, it is not relevant and the certification has been expired for long.
I did also play and party quite hard. But it is not relevant to the grant writing either.

How could I did so much in undergrad years? I didn't have summer or winter vacations? No, I didn't! I always stayed near school and did tons of things near school. The fact that my home was in the same city played a role. The first time I was away from school in summer was 2003 after my first year of graduate school in the US. I went home for two months.
Gosh... I was such a good student. Correction: I was so good at school. I was in school for 27 years, including kindergarden years. My profession was being a student.
After describing my undergrad "achievements" for a half page, I told a story about my grad years for almost two pages. My record stunned myself. Did I really accomplish all those? In school, there were deadlines for everything. Time to go to a class. Time to take exams. Time to finish a project. Before I had time to fool around, thing were done, and the next thing was coming.
Gina once said "其實我也是個人才啊" ("actually I am pretty talented") while she was working on her resume. Now I kinda felt the same way. Who knew writing a grant would boost your self-esteem? Life is wonderful.

When designing the experiment for my doctoral dissertation, I went to a university near Philadelphia to ask a professor some questions. This professor, CF, was the person who originally proposed the theory that I was testing in my project. He was so nice and friendly and easy to get along with. Later on we greeted each other every time seeing each other in annual conferences. This year in a conference held in Boston, he asked me if I'd like to collaborate with him for he would like to explore the possibility of working on spatial neglect. I was very honored. After the conference, he did email me for arranging a meeting after the holiday season.

I was supposed to go to UPenn frequently for an fMRI project. However, administrative delays always can prolong the delay. The project has been discussed even before I moved to New Jersey. The project has been approved in UPenn a year ago. But the project has not started. Oh well.... During the process, I met a professor, AC, who was a former colleague of my boss. He gave me the similar first impression that CF gave me. They were both nice, calm, humbly smiley, bearded, and soft talkers. I liked the conversations with him. Today when I was reviewing my research record, I came up with a proposal to AC. I emailed him and asked him to be the co-investigator on the project. He accepted it! I was so glad. He made my day.

I would never imagine this in my late teens and early 20s when I was a busy undergrad or when I was struggling how to write my first English term paper. Even two years ago, I would not imagine how things have worked themselves out as if I was simply taking a ride. Yes, the ride was sometimes tough, but I survived. Now I seem to live on those things and see how far things can take me.

Things will work out as long as I keep being persistent and pushing things to work out.
This is what I've learned about things and myself today.

post offices

2009-12-01T19:30:00.001-05:00

I packed things in a box to be sent to Taipei.
I checked online for the office hours of the nearest office in my neighborhood. It said that the office hours were 8:30 am to 5pm. Well, I leave home before 8:30 and come back after 5, so I decided that office was useless for me.
Therefore, I checked online to locate an office near the research center. Cool, I found one quite close. I did not bother to check the office hours because I was sure that I would go there during lunch break.
In the morning, I went to the hospital at Saddle Brook, and the patient's therapy schedule had just changed, meaning I could not work with him. I left the hospital, and before heading to the highway, I took Bungbung for some gas. Oh, there was a post office across the street from the gas station! I had not noticed it for the past two years.
It was a couple minutes past 9am. I supposed the office was open. So I went, and the sign of the door said it would not open until 10am. I stared at the sign for a minute and decided that post officers here had nicer morning rest than me. Oh well, I drove toward West Orange and planned to go to the post office there by 10am instead of 12.

I arrived there 10 before 10. It was closed. It would not open until 10am. A woman was waiting in front of the door. She told me that somehow post offices have changed their office hours everywhere. She also told me that the door would not open before 10am and would very possibly open later than 10am.
I listened to her and decided that nowadays post officers everywhere had nicer morning rest than most of people. Oh well, I did not want to wait and returned to my office.

Around 2:30, I finished work in Saddle Brook. Yes, I did drive back there to work with the patient.
I went to the post office that I first visited in the morning. The officer was a nice lady, directing me to put the box in a thick bullet-proof transparent chamber which she could not open her side until I closed my side. Wow.. that was rather impressive. She and I talked through a small hole on the thick bullet-proof transparent window. I never thought being in a post office could feel like being in a savings bank.
The lady told me that the box was just over the 4lb limit for about 11 Oz, meaning that it could not go as a first-class but a priority. That is, I had to pay $42 dollars and no less. She checked the weight for 3 times and showed the sorry face to me for 3 times. I was like... what can I do? I cannot open the box and take things out.

Before I paid, she was typing. Probably 5 to 10 minutes later, she printed a little piece of paper to me, stating that even without buying any insurance, my box was insured. I was like "thanks. cool." That paper did not contain any information about the box, the sender, or the receiver.
Some time later, she finished typing and started stamping on documents and the box. I paid. She provided me a receipt. I asked her how am I supposed to use that little piece of paper for insurance if I cannot track the box at all? She thought a bit and answered "I don't quite really know, but I hope you don't have to use that piece of paper at all."
I hesitated for my next question, but I eventually just said "thank you for your help." I left and got back to my work.

My memory of post offices in America is quite funny, frustrating, and adventurous. The funny post office was in Penn State. The officers there were jokers. The two men made the place loud, colorful, musical, helpful and exciting. One of the funny guys were laid off before I graduated, however, for the budget cut in the post office. There was even a campaign for saving him.
The frustrating office was in South Orange. I always stood in line no matter what time of the day I went. I tried super early (8:30) or mid-day (10-ish, 12-ish, 2-ish). It was not just waiting but long waiting. I witnessed an old lady faint and fall to the floor!
Now the adventurous office ..... dah lah.... was in Saddle Brook! Clean, nice, and bullet-proof.

get a hole

2009-11-18T23:22:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, I want to get a hole and push someone into it. However, life is not perfect. My life, in particular, can be difficult.
I am not going to complain about certain managers who thought they were leaders but actually they are simply managers because of their positions.
I am not going to talk about recent events that made me frustrated about certain situations where I believe things could have turned out more enjoyable if those managers were actually behaving like real leaders.
You know what? I am going to keep thinking about spatial neglect, and neglect their existence for four days when I am in Boston meeting my old colleagues, chatting about science.

On the other hand, my life is not the worst kind. Even though not much exciting news happens, the fact that I can sleep for 8 hours everyday is pretty nice. Physicians get up super early and work for long hours. Long commuters get up super early and spend long hours in transportation. Mothers with young babies get up super early and sleep occasionally. I fall asleep when Superstar talks to me. I sleep well even when the next-door night club turns up the bass until 2am. Oh, I should stop playing "Max Injury" game on iTouch. I should have my 8 hours.
My eyes will close, and I am in a black hole, hiding from things that make my life difficult.

忽略

2009-11-10T21:51:00.004-05:00

他就是過不了中線, 他不知道他的世界是一般人的一半, 他不知道他失去了一半的世界, 他不認為他畫的人他畫的花他畫的鐘都只有一半, 他不知道我為什麼要他一直描同一條線, 他可是樂此不疲的一直描, 從右手邊描到中間, 卻不明瞭我希望他描過中線描到左手邊. 他不知道什麼是左手邊, 他可以舉起左手, 他可以告訴我他的左手在哪裡, 護士在他的左手臂打針他會說他不要他會喊痛, 但是平常沒必要的時候他的左手卻像是一長條多餘的抱枕, 懸著, 被忽略著, 像是所有在他左手邊的任何人事物, 不存在了.

我不知道該怎麼辦, 到底可以怎麼辦, 他已經活過一般美國男人能活的年歲, 他有一家子人愛他關心他, 他甚至正在經歷著教課書裡定義的典型的半側忽略（感謝蔡醫師告訴我 spatial neglect 的中文翻譯）, 他成了我的教課書, 他真的活的很精彩呢.
但是我除了嘗試所有有趣的已經被發現的現象, 我不知道該怎麼辦, 該怎麼幫他和他的家人, 幫他重新體驗完整的世界.
重點是他不知道他失去了那一半, 他不懂我到底要幫他什麼, 他只是想回家.
如果他知道他失去了一半, 他會努力去做任何事情來重獲那一半, 他會知道他梳頭只梳一半, 他會知道他只刮了半邊臉, 他會知道他有一支袖子沒穿上, 他會知道他的眼鏡有一邊是歪的沒掛在耳朵上, 他會知道他只吃了一半的早餐, 沒喝到的果汁其實就在盤子的另一邊, 他會知道房間裡有兩個櫃子,他老找不到的文件其實在左邊的櫃子裡. 但是左邊對他來說是不存在的. 他不知道如果他能夠再次發現左邊的世界, 他就可以回家了.

晚上在餐廳裡吃飯, 隔壁桌的食客忽然癲癇了起來, 倒在地上. Kimberly 立刻向前, 表明自己是醫生, 問他什麼名字我們在哪裡今天吃藥了沒之類的問題, 他什麼也答不出來, 他的朋友不讓我們幫忙, 說就讓他在地上躺一下, 他會自己恢復意識的, 說他這樣已經好一陣子了.
後來救護車來了, 他的確慢慢恢復正常意識, 卻也不願意被送去醫院. Kimberly 幫不上忙, 我當然更是沒用, 一種“我真是沒用“的失落.

我每天都有這種失落, 幫不上忙的失落. 工作上, 我的病人們難以恢復, 他們的病根難以探究. 生活上, 我的生活習慣達不到要求, 不是太胖就是太懶, 不是太容易妥協就是太堅持己見. 親情裡, 許多時候只能聽著抱怨卻看著情況繼續惡化. 人際關係裡, 太多表面造作的你好嗎我很好, 莫名其妙的明爭暗鬥. 我不知道該怎麼辦做個有用的人. 幫不上忙. 我幫不了那些病人, 幫不了我自己, 幫不了家人朋友.
然後只有忽略這個失落的想法, 我才能繼續過每一天.
然後聽到的新聞又提醒我我有多麼幫不上忙, 然後我只好再忽略我的情緒, 然後再繼續過每一天.

忽略, 造就這一切庸庸碌碌.

superstars

2009-10-31T23:58:00.002-04:00

Last year, I found a superstar.

From Crazy Halloween

This year, I found that I've had a superstar in my life:

From Halloween 2009

This morning, mama and I took a walk in the streets, covered with yellow and red leaves and with Halloween spooky decorations. It reminded me of the summer day when I was 15. We took a walk in the ZhongShan North Road in Taipei, simply walking and talking, enjoying trees and people. Over the years, mama and I have changed and stayed the same.

Judy left.
On the most beautiful day of this fall. The sky was cloudless and blue. The breeze brought scents of leaves. The air was fresh after two days of rain. The sun was bright and warm.

I met Judy when I was eleven. We were about the same height so we sat in the last row of the desks in the classroom. But how did we become close friends? I cannot recall. I think I was admiring her beauty.
She carried herself so elegantly confident even at the age of eleven. She always stood and sat straight. She smiled, lowering her head. She pronounced perfect clear Mandarin, and I believed she would become a news anchor on TV. She was always polite in words and in action. All these qualities distanced herself from most of the teenagers in school but attracted teachers' attention as well as mine.
I wanted to be like her or to be her.

A year later, she left to another junior high. One year after high school, she moved to the States. After college years, she moved to London. Two and half years ago, she moved to New York. And we met again. Two days ago, she left New York.
Like seasons, she has been in and out of my life, at the same time stayed in my life.
Her beauty has remained. Now she still carries herself confident, elegant, and polite. She now also speak British-American English. I wish she would not become a news anchor on TV in Taiwan for she is capable to be something better.

Over the years, I have had been over the crush on her and admired other people serving as my models. I have grown to be myself. Over the years, finally we both experienced unbearable domestic situations, got hearts broken, got hurt, felt love, and more. We both stand on our own feet and move forward fiercely while remembering how to breathe.
I wish she becomes a superstar with a stronger heart. And be well and happy.

~HAPPY BELATED HALLOWEEN~

Halloween 2009

隱私

2009-10-27T17:20:00.000-04:00

隔壁桌坐了一對男女，女的在問男的要怎麼改寫她的履歷表和教學理念，很顯然的她正在申請大學教職，她的專長在伊朗和印度電影，男的專長在怎麼用寫作來突顯這女的專長。

一開始男的在解釋履歷分兩種，一種是學術界的長長履歷，越多頁表示資歷越多或是成就越多。一種是寫給業界的，越簡要越好，重點在怎麼把突顯自己有多麼適合應徵的職務。他說他在研究所的修過一門寫履歷的課。

我差點把咖啡噴出來。先生，你哪裡畢業的？居然有開專門寫履歷的課，太坑學分費了吧。

女的一面點頭一面寫筆記。然後開始解釋教學理念，她想要開一門討論伊朗或是印度電影的課，她講的不清不楚，似乎對自己想要敎什麼並沒有完全的把握，不之所以然的重覆著「是啊，你知道的，就是藉由電影表現當地的文化。你知道的。」

you know 是普遍的口頭禪，表示說話的人其實不太知道怎麼表達。You know.

男的很專業的跟她說「文化」包含的意義和範疇太廣，這個表現不出她的專才，要再更明確一點。他問她能不能闡述印度電影的特色，她開始長篇大論，她講到一個段落，男的換句話說把她剛剛說的話轉成漂亮的用詞遣字，男的一邊說女的一邊抄寫。女的寫完，一個字一個字唸出她寫的段落，男的再加以修改。女的對伊朗電影的教學理念也用同樣的模式變成筆記本上的墨印。

前前後後三個小時，我聽得一清二楚，我說我快聽不下去了，那男的聲音好討厭，那女的怎麼一副笨蛋樣卻要當教授。
我以為當女的收起筆記本，他們也該離開了。並沒有，開始閒聊天氣，男的說這季節很容易生病，例如他得了H1N1 (aka "swine flu")，他說他已經痊癒了，他說他的症狀沒有發燒卻是喉嚨很痛。
我立刻跟班比說我們該遠離這裏了。

我常常覺得當隔壁桌的聽到我跟班比只用中文對話的時候，他們的音調就會提得更高，似乎認為我們這兩個異鄉人一定會讓出英文的對話空間給他們使用。他們在想什麼啊？在美國，只有美國人只會一種語言。

我跟班比常常評論隔壁桌的對話，然後猜測對話的兩個人是什麼關係，還有我們喜歡他們的程度。我們的悄悄話一點也不需要掩飾，可以很刻薄很直接，訓練我們一定要用中文表達一些字眼或是概念，否則隔壁桌會設下心防越講越小聲，那麼我們去咖啡廳和熱門餐廳的樂趣就會減低了。

前幾天，我們在法拉盛的一家以小籠湯包聞名的餐館，高朋滿座而且九成華人，食客都很有禮貌的維持自己的聲量，我們也不會說人是非，畢竟那場子裡中英文都可以通的。後來進來一男一女，女的說「要快的，我們要開會呢」，男的就跟夥計說「來籠湯包」，夥計說湯包要等，女的就說「不能等，我們趕時間」，夥計說「要快，麵最快」，女的瞄了我們的桌子一眼問：「他們吃那什麼麵？那什麼餅？」於是整家店都知道我們吃什麼麵什麼餅。
終於他們決定了要點什麼菜，我跟班比翻了翻眼，那男的手機嘹亮的響了起來，他接起來就吼「喂！做什麼？吃飯啊。在餐館。怎麼樣？等一下開會呢，是啊」
班比小聲跟我說：「中文比英文更難防堵，一定聽得到聽得懂。」我把聲音放亮了說：「要不要我打電話給你，然後我們兩個就面對面用手機說話，因為隔壁的太大聲了。」
我不確定那對男女有沒有聽見，我只知道當他們的麵上桌的時候，女的說「不說話不說話了，趕緊吃吧。」

隱私是相對的，你哭你的，我大聲嚷嚷我的，你談你的情，我繼續講我的手機，你閒話你的，我聽我的。沒有人在分享，沒有人說不準偷聽。沒有人說陌生人不能加入。

job interviews

2009-10-17T11:46:00.000-04:00

Do they seriously want to get this job?
Do they know that there are certain things you do not say or do in a job interview?

One guy sported his hair long, so long that it covered his eyes sometimes. He walked not just with his back hunched, but also with arms hanging as if he neglected them and let them dangle to all directions. Hm... Excuse me? We are in a Research Center, working closely with hospital staff and patients. We're not hiring an artist (even an artist should show me some respect in a job interview).

Another person had his first question on the salary rate. He also chose not to tell me that he had been accepted to a medical school next year. This information was leaked from his reference contacts. Well... asking salary in the first encounter is so not recommended. And it is bad that I found out something which could have been told directly from the applicant.

Another applicant literally used the f word in the conversation with my boss.

One lady shook hands with zero grip force as if I was holding a weightless patient who would die in the next minute. Hello? Are you so scared or nervous? Stand straight and play it as you mean it! Don't run away before I say "nice meeting you and goodbye".

A person's writing samples were lack of titles, headers, references, or anything close to a standard writing format such as APA. Hey... this is not acceptable. Please take care each detail before submitting anything for job application.

I thought how to behave in a job interview followed rules of common senses.
You pay attention to your interviewer. You look directly into her eyes. You nod. You smile. You say thankyou often. You shake hands firmly. You ask questions. You initiate conversations leading her to talk. You, actually, should be a listener, and only talk when necessary. When talking, you say everything as if you are the expert: concise, appropriate, to the point, and importantly, humble.
You have to perform all these especially if you have not much working experience at all in the field that you want to work.
You smile. You nod.

The worst applicant I have ever encountered was a Clinical Psychologist, applying for the fellowship. He gave a job talk that contained no contents. He only had 5 slides including the title page, which in fact did not bear a title of his "talk". The first slide he presented his name and the location of his presentation, which everyone knew was the Research Center. So the topic was himself or the Research Center?
It turned out the topic was himself because he spent 15 minutes saying how good he was as a clinician and a researcher while providing no evidence. "Oh, I am very good at stats. I didn't bring the data today, but I participated in this and that studies, meaning I am very good. Trust me. I am good."
When asked to describe his research projects, he avoided the question but kept saying his rich experience in data analysis and how nerdy he could be to finish work at home while raising his young children.
I had only one question to him: Do you know what a job talk should be like? But I didn't ask. He was not hired.

I am receiving more applications for the RA positions. Some applicants live far away. I don't understand why anyone would like to relocate to another state for an entry-level job. Perhaps the job market is actually this bad. Other applicants have no clue about the Research Center and think they can work here without a driver's license.
As I interviewed more applicants, I found myself filtering CVs with criteria on school name, major, and school performance. Yes, records do matter. How am I supposed to guess if you are a good candidate? I guess based on your records. If I cannot make a decision based on my guess, I invite you for an interview.
Two applicants I met were from the same school, the same program. What a lesson, I thought after I met them, and the lession is I will not interview any of grads from that program any time soon.

Yesterday, I was waiting in my office. The applicant was 15-minute late for her appointment. I would give her 5 more minutes and delete her name from my record. As if on cue, my phone rang. The receptionist informed me that this young lady was actually here on time, but she was busy receiving other visitors' registration and let the applicant wait for 15 minutes. I suddenly had a good feeling about this candidate, who was able to have a stranger apologize for her.
I walked over to pick her up. She slowly turned her head while hearing the approaching sound of my heels knocking the floor. "Dr. C?" She has the most innocent eyes. I smiled and offered my hand, "Hi! I am Pei." She immediately stood up, shaking my hands, smiling, with her eyes smiling as well, "Hi! I'm a person whose eyes can smile." No, she did not say that. But I can't reveal her real name here.
Smiley-eye had me at that moment.
She paid attention to her interviewer, me. She looked directly into my eyes. She nodded. She smiled. She said thankyou often. She shook hands firmly. She initiated conversations leading me to talk. When asked with questions, she answered calmly, consicely, and appropriately. She sat at the first half of the chair with her back straight. She smiled. She nodded.
Even though she did not have much experience in working with clinical populations, I feel that she would become very good at it. Patients would love her.
RAs and Jenny then met her, and liked her very much. So I told her at the end of the interview that we decided to invite her back for the second interview. Her eyes smiled again.

First impression does matter.
Since long time ago, Mama has told me that beauty matters. Beauty can be presented in many ways. Being confident and neat and respectful actually brings impression of being beautiful. People like seeing beautiful people. If you offer something attractive at the first sight, the chance of getting being known and liked is much higher.

You, before examinig yourself, don't complain that the market is tough and you cannot get a job. Behave and be prepared like you really want the job.

tango lesson 101

2009-10-04T20:25:00.002-04:00

Colgada demo by Daniela Pucci and Luis Bianchi

I feel differently about my body and about how to connect my body to another body in tango. This difference did not come from deliberate changes or conscious modifications to my dancing skills. It just came as time goes. Tango does not like yoga. Yoga requires daily or at least very frequent practices (e.g., 3 days a week, 1.5 hr a day) to feel improvement of the body change, which is very subtle and very rewarding, so rewarding that I could smile in the process of getting into a posture.

Tango is not like yoga, although I have previously acknowledged the similarity between the two. In the current stage of my tango career, I found that tango needs time to sink into the center of each muscle fiber and reach the holistic structure of bones and tendons, both of which finely controlled effortlessly but mindfully. Thus, taking a break of a couple weeks does not reduce the dancing sensibility. Actually sometimes my dances were better after a break from the tango for weeks. I thought about tango, watched tango, imagined how to tango, and suddenly I got rid of bad habits after a break. The result is a better dancer of me. I am able to walk onto the dance floor once a week to start a good practice and induce two good smiles, and my body learns.

What my body has learned opens my mind. After many tango workshops, festivals, milongas, practicas, etc., now when I see a good dancer or a great pair of dancers, I know I can definitely reach their levels and be fully comfortable with my body led by a leader to do all possibilities.

Tango dance floors are cruel. Yes, many dancers are judgmental because we all want to have fun. But some dancers care too much about the forms and the way how to get into certain movements. Hey! This is not the international ballroom tango. This is social dance tango! Tango is NOT yoga, in which postures need to be done in certain ways. Tango is about trust, confidence, and great fun. Being creative is one major major reason that I keep on tangoing for years.

See the video at the beginning of this post? They are having fun, creating various movements with one principal topic: colgada -- sharing axis. This is all about trust, confidence, and great fun. They try to teach how to be relaxed and to have fun.

I was in their workshop last weekend of the Princeton tango festival. Luis was quite a character with superb humor and playfulness. I found many young male teachers this way. They make tango floors like a play ground with genuine laughter. I was in fact very surprised by Daniela. Being a tango dancer for almost 5 years, I found workshops more targeting toward leaders and much less toward followers. Daniela was a great follower teacher! Being sensitive is already an established ability in me as a tango dancer. But to respond to a lead with a precise muscle control or "not to control" is something that I have not mastered. Daniela would walk over and adjust me like a yoga teacher, "this muscle, not that one. very good. breathe. nice. feel it?" And I would smile and know I can do it.

Some people just don't get it. They are frustrated and convinced that they cannot do certain moves. So they push themselves too hard on a tiny thing. So they push their partners into a position. Oh, I hate leaders who push me. All followers are judgmental about pushy leaders. Oh, you have to have confidence in yourself and relax and have fun and try again and have fun and smile. Possibilities exist. You just need to reveal them with an open mind and body. AND allow the other body to share this fun.

Or find a good teacher who can open your mind and thus your body.

hopeless

2009-09-23T22:21:00.002-04:00

An Indian friend recommended a movie for me. I watched it and felt not very hopeful. Not very hopeful for Indian women or Indians in general.

I have never seen a Bollywood film, so I can't say that I understand the main stream Indian movies or the main stream culture of India in any sense.
Actually, the number of Indian movies I saw or watched is single-digit-ly three:
Several years ago, I saw The Journey (Sancharram). A year ago I saw Slumdog Millionaire (does this one count as an Indian film?). A week ago, I watched Water.
They all successfully delivered a clear message: With such visually pleasant spirit-lifting colors mixed in daily lives, India has had significant social problems that are so unpleasant and heart-sinking.

The Journey tells a story of two girls who cannot be together because being homosexual is not accepted and because getting married by parents' arrangement is demanded.

Slumdog Millionaire tells a story of a boy (and his brother and his love) who comes at the bottom of the social economic system and unbelievably (thus got beaten up) wins the biggest price on TV.

Water tells a story of widows who are locked in their world deliberately by the entire society based on a religious textbook that is, of course, written by a human not a God.

If I were an Indian, what would happen to me?
I would an advocate for homosexuals because I am an advocate for any subgroups of humans who are underrepresented for the benefits of those who are overly awarded for their ignorance.

I would not be involved in an arranged marriage because I may not even be involved in a marriage at all. If I want to, it will be my choice, not for the superficial good of a family, or of a name, or of simply I myself being a woman.

I would not win any price on TV. Um..... because I just do not do well with luck or TV.

I would not believe in any religious textbooks. Organized religious groups following some ancient texts word by word simply creep me out. Humans are not sheep. We may follow but we also think. However, many people are too lazy to think but just follow as if they were actually grass-eating without taste. Regulations should be guidance toward the spiritual core, and should not ban human natures such as food, sex, love, pursuing knowledge, or questioning authority. So locking me up for my never-met husband's death would definitely set me on fire.

Therefore, India would not allow my existence on their land. They would say that I am a bad influence and that I have an evil mind and that I shall feel shameful.
In conclusion, India would feel so lucky that I am in fact not an Indian. Hence, those hypothetical statements are just hypothetical. Nothing to worry about. They can keep their conservative bullying attitudes toward women, low-social class men, and homosexuals. They will never recognize the Museum of Sex in Manhattan. They will still welcome tourists (one day I may be one of them) there for yoga and spiritual trips. They are not worried about me at all.

See? That's why I felt not so hopeful after watching Water. I cannot do anything about it if it is true that there are currently 11 million widows always wearing white, isolated, and living in widow houses for their rest of lives. Hopeless.
Only Indian men, rich Indian men, rich religious well-educated Indian men can overturn this thing. Who the hell am I?

台中代表

2009-09-11T20:52:00.002-04:00

君開了一個部落格，叫做從台北到台南的台中人。
我們六個女生不知從何時開始一起行動，在台北到處跑，偶爾跑到外縣市，跑到台中的比例還滿高的。青是澎湖人，很難常常去她家坐坐，大學畢業前夕去坐了一個禮拜，她結婚那個禮拜也去作客，拍了幾千張照片，年輕歲月裡就有了滿眼是藍色的紀錄，還有連續吃九餐大餐的紀錄。
台灣本島的代表：攸和大欣是新竹人，小星是高雄人，我反而都沒去坐過。錯過小星的婚禮是可惜了，誰叫我莫名奇妙的追什麼學術夢，追得窮困潦倒，John Palmer 有一次說：可以過得比 Scientists 窮困潦倒而且更有自欺欺人的自信的，就只有 Artists。 ...怎麼忽然間抱怨起來...
不過大家都有來我家坐過，大安區真的是好地方啊，去哪裡都方便。但是我大學時還是選擇住校。雖然說當時我決定非台北的學校不讀，也決定怎麼樣都不重考，更決定選系不選校，於是隔壁鄰居台大師大都招不到我，我偏偏跑到北投去唸北榮後山的陽明。
在陽明住校沒有摩托車等於沒有行動能力，但是剛入學的胚未滿十八，沒有駕照沒有車，就只好依靠室友君。
當時另一個室友小星也未滿十八，卻天天騎著機車到處跑，據說她高中就開始騎車了，高雄的警力果然不比台北。不過小星每天下課後就跑不見，也沒照顧我，所以我就跟君熟起來了。

君愛到處找吃的。
她有一張很大的台北地圖，在上面畫地標，她對台北的東南西北跟我會背九九乘法表一樣厲害。按照 bbs 美食版的推薦，她找遍台北，吃遍台北。有一陣子她還帶著即可拍去拍店家的門口和廁所，收集在一本附著筆記的本子裡。
重點是她會好東西跟好朋友分享，因為她跟我分享，所以她變成我的好朋友。
她分享的方式是去買好多份回來給大家吃，我吃到好多我沒有吃過的台北食物，像是延平北路三段的大大熱熱沾滿花生粉的麻糬，還有天母吃吃看的波士頓派，還有我有生以來第一次吃到道地的 bagel--來自重慶南路一段的馬可孛羅麵包坊，而且君一次買了好多種不同口味的 cream cheese。
如果她回台中探親，回台北的時候也會帶台中的好東西回來，例如薔薇派，或是似乎哪裡都買得到但是就是台中才有那等美味的小吃，例如鴨舌頭之類的滷味。

大概從認識君開始，只要是可以把我餵得開心的，都很快納入我的好朋友圈圈裡。
沒想到認識君已經超過十年了，她依然沒有改變找美食的好習慣，每次我回台北，都可以受惠於她對食物的熱誠。今年夏天她帶我們在台中吃到了超級讚的瑪露連嫩仙草芋Ｑ，在台北突然間爆多分店的派克雞排，也很慣例性的試了幾家台北東區的歐式下午茶。我必須要說台北的美式早午餐真的很不美式。

所以我不能默默的把她的部落格就加在胚的頁右欄裡，要好好的推薦一下，從台北到台南的台中人記錄了很多好吃的地方喔。
君辭去了外商公司的好職位，很勇敢的搬到台南去了，就為了讓人生多點變化調整一下方向。
小星也在調整方向。
Jason 說要走，希望走成了。
大家都在喬一喬自己的定位，瞧瞧前面看看四周，希望一切還未定，希望一切還有未來，希望我們都還夠年輕夠勇敢夠有本錢往前衝衝看（或是停下來一陣子不要衝了）。
今年，我這個世代的小朋友們都在深呼吸抿抿嘴的要長大，我們終於要擺脫年輕不懂事的二十，全部擠身三十，於是可以微笑的嘲笑的那些二十幾歲的小朋友：哎呀，你們年輕不懂事。
我們不用再堅持那些二十出頭時候立下的目標，因為我們已經用青春換來可貴的教訓和可愛的回憶，現在我們可以有經驗的立其他目標，穩穩的往前跑向成家立業結婚生子升官發財，或是跑向更好好吃好好玩的下一個十年。
...青春期正在更新、無限延伸當中... 當了媽媽當了上司換了幾個工作的我們依然還是小朋友，不過就是知道自己是什麼、能作得到什麼、能擔多少風險的小朋友。
於是待了十幾年台北的台中人可以去台南定居。
我的下一步是什麼？

drawing taiwan

2009-09-08T21:53:00.002-04:00

For people who don't understand Chinese,

Please simply enjoy the image and the amazing skill of two hands on a plate of sand.
The artist's first writing was "Taipei Zoo" in Chinese.
The last writing was movingly breathtaking. It was "Taiwan", contoured with the shape of the Taiwan island.

I realized how much I love Taiwan during the first month of my moving to the US. Over the years, I have loved it even more because of its goodness and badness. Every time I went back, I had wonderful trips to various countrysides, where the natural views are unique and unbeatable, or the local people show how diverse our populations are within this 13,972 sq mi land (23,100,000 people). I may not get my favorite steak, pancake, Korean food, beer, or baklava there, but the quality and quantity of Taiwan fruits and tea and snacks and night markets can only be won over by the even improved Taiwan in a near future.

The mission of living away from Taiwan is to tell the world how wonderful Taiwan is. It is wonderful as a group of people, as an entity of political democracy, as a congregation of warm hearts, and as my home country.
Of course, each country has its own shits that never end and never can be entirely dissolved. It's like humans that can never be perfect but the nature is good. Many, including me, have complained Taiwanese tend to use the heart than the brain to deal with everything. However, because of the heart, Taiwan runs on systems of benevolence, great for average well-behaviored residents and visitors.

Welcome to Taiwan, if you go. Taipei is especially English friendly. As to other places, everyone will be friendly to you.

hub cap

2009-08-28T16:26:00.002-04:00

What can you do with a hub cap?
Toss it around as a Frisbee? Cover your head from the rain? Sale it on eBay?

One of Bungbung’s hub caps was gone early last year because of the terrible road condition. I replaced it with $75. In five minutes after leaving the body shop, the cap popped out and vanished again because the terrible road condition. Therefore, I decided never to replace it until I can afford a brand new steel wheel rim to prevent this happening so often.
Front wheels tend to hit potholes more frequently then back wheels, and I had actually replaced front hub caps at least five times since I bought Bungbung.
Anyway, Bungbung wore three shoes since last year. I like to refer my car and its parts with humanized terms.

Early this morning, it rained very hard. With the sound of rain, I dreamed that the windshield wipers were broken, and that I had to call the day off because driving without clear vision was very dangerous. I woke up immediately and felt relieved that it was just a dream.
It was still raining when I walked to Bungbung. He looked different than usual, I found. Oh damn! All the remaining three caps were gone. The rims were fine, indicating that I did not lose them last evening when driving back home on the notoriously pothole-scattering routes, NJ-7 and NJ-139. Apparently, the thief manually took them off without using any tool to damage the rims. Which actually has been a problem: hub caps are very easy to take off. But still, one must not take them off without my permission.

What the …? If you’ve seen people this morning in Hoboken working on a VW Beetle, or if you’ve seen people covering their head with hub caps from the rain this morning, or if you see people toss a VW hub cap as a Frisbee, please oh please yell “SHAME ON YOU!” at them. And please contact me.

Naureen suggested me file a claim to my insurance company. No way. My insurance rate has soared so high after the incidence in December 2007. Any claim will lead to my bankruptcy due to an unaffordable automobile insurance.
For now, I won’t even buy new caps for Bungbung. I will wait until I can afford a parking space in a garage. Why should I provide more hub caps for thieves to sale on eBay while I don’t get any compensation? Ha, guess who is selling used hub caps?

Shame on you, thief!

President Ma

2009-08-18T22:56:00.003-04:00

Mama told me that there are lots of voices asking President Ma to resign because of the natural disaster on the Father's Day. She said that even CNN has reported greatly on this issue. She felt shameful that Taiwan's President is making a joke internationally.

First of all, CNN does not represent international news. It is sad that Taiwan takes CNN as the main source of international news. It simply represents a voice from America. It is also sad that CNN's coverage seems to have greater effects than any local news channels in Taiwan. With more than five news channels running repeated news 24/7, viewers believe if CNN covers something, the something must be what CNN tells you what something should be. It is very sad that people believe what a news channel wants them to believe.

Second of all, I doubt if there is more than 30% of Americans watching news at all. Of these people, probably 30% of them watch CNN. Kimberly watches CNN every day, but she did not know anything about Taiwan's debate on President Ma until I told her over today's dinner. Therefore, I do not believe that a few pieces of foreign coverages on Taiwan by CNN have made Taiwan an international joke. As Kim put it honestly, Americans are very self-absorbed and they have many many issues in their own countries these days. No one would care about Taiwan or whether President Ma should resign. After Hurricane Katrina in 2005, President Bush, who did a little more than nothing, still held his position until last year. Katrina caused countless people lost their home, and was one of the deadliest natural disaster in American history. But no one asked the stupid Bush to get out of his office. Therefore, a poll conducted by CNN saying President Ma should leave is simply a media-biased viewer-catching technique. Americans do not care who is the President of a country other than their own, Kim said.

Third, I felt worried that Mama allows the TV on and watches news more than once every day. It is so not necessary. Taiwan is such a small place, and much news "shown" on TV is not worth a viewer's time. It just makes people think that Taiwan is a trouble-making island, and everything is out of order, and one should live in fear.

President Ma and officers related to rescue and recovery for the Typhoon did need to take responsibilities. They should apologize to the people, which they did. They should start to learn how to speak politically encouraging as if they are experts in public relation, which they have great space for improvement. They should understand that they are dealing with people who have rights to vote, and psychology is a much useful subject to master than bureaucracy. Making people happy and providing a sense of security to people will earn more trust than governing the country silently with little communication (or advertisement).

So You Wanna See TOUGH?

2009-08-16T14:54:00.001-04:00

Oh my... idiots...
so so so funny

partner assessment

2009-08-10T21:37:00.003-04:00

Superstar likes to say “the world does not exist once I die.” For him, the world is entirely dependent on his mind; the truth is what he perceives; the action is all in his head. Or put it the other way: the world is mind-dependent.

First, I find it personally disturbing. It is upsetting information that he believes that I do not exist when all his sensory and memory systems get turned off. Let me hope that I am in his mind, so that I will exist again when he thinks of me. While he does not think of me, I will dissolve into the nothingness.

Second, as a scientific theorist, I do not buy his theoretical belief. For me, the world is independent from my mind. My mind simply represents the world. When I die, the earth will keep revolving around the sun, but I can no longer know about it because the representational system – mind – has stopped functioning. That is, his existence has nothing to do with my existence. While I do not think of him, he will not dissolve into the nothingness, but it means that I simply have no currently active representation of him.

See the huge obstacle in our relationship? We are cognitive psychologists holding very different theories of mind. He is a self-absorbed carefree player, and I am an individualizing observant enthusiast.

He does not care about issues that have bothered me for the greater good of our planet and the human race, both of which will disappear once he dies anyway. He uses energy saving appliances and re-uses all kinds of materials because he is by nature a Hakka. He keeps glass bottles and cans for his collection of wine bottles and coke cans. He eats junk food because he can never get fat and is very convinced that he’s perfectly healthy.

However, everyone loves Superstar. The compliments I have received about him from my friends include adjectives such as loving, caring, warm, sensitive, sensible, and down-to-earth. People are telling me that he is a great find and definitely a keeper as if I myself had done a wonderful job involving him in my life. Is it true that I am the only person in the world could actually feel his aloofness?
His aloofness is all about his happiness. He has no worries at present. He has no shadows from the past. He has no anxiety about the future.
He is, in a word, abnormal.

Nat once asked me why I never dated someone normal. I would like to ask her the same question.
Perhaps Superstar is indeed as normal as a boy his age/his background can be, but I believe he is not, so that I can perfectly convince myself to be with him as often as I want to.
I am, too, abnormal.
For him, perhaps I am as normal as a girl my age/my background can be, and he believe I am, so that he can perfectly convince himself to be with me as often as he wants to.

See another obstacle between him and I? I believe he is abnormal so I think I would never quite understand him, which is totally fine with me. All I want is to be happy with him and to make him happy with me. Love is simple.
However, he believes I am normal so he thinks he should be able to understand or has already understood me, which if not successful, would be totally a disaster for him. All he wants is to be happy with me and to make me happy with him. Love is simply complicated.
As a result, I appear light-headed and detached, and he appears understanding and loving.

I would now conclude with a shrug. He would want much more clarified arguments on his assessment. But this is my blog. I have the final say or shrug. He doesn't care things not existing in his head, and he is abnormal. Fine, he is loving, caring, warm, sensitive, sensible, and down-to-earth. Whatever. End of discussion.

續，雨裡

2009-07-29T23:02:00.002-04:00

下班前，Naureen沒趕回辦公室，她出車禍了。人沒事，打個電話來報平安。
她出車禍的路段就是我昨天提到的地方，而這路段今天可是誇張的大塞車，雙向都有車禍之外，從進紐約的兩個隧道口回堵十幾英哩，天氣又灰灰陰陰悶悶燥燥的，人就是很難爽快。不開冷氣的話，四周廢氣的熱弄得窗外起霧，開冷氣的話，我的手又容易冰冷。停比走的時間多，我就狂抹乳液護手。

塞了一個多小時慢慢的過了最擁擠的幾個路段之後，天早已經陰的不耐煩了，四周突然整個變白，像是下過大風雪一般，我除了只看到正前方的車燈外，就是慘白的背景，建築物和路樹都不見了，橫在我和慘白背景之間的是水幕，這回可以是我第一次使用雨刷的最高速，卻也刷不盡雨水，敢不上洩洪般的雨量，從未在雨天開車這麼害怕過，像是在下大雪的夜裡開車一樣神經緊繃，所有車都放慢速度，都不敢切換車道，有秩序到了極點。真的是超車誠可貴，車險價更高。出一次車禍的代價就是三年的昂貴汽車保險。

快到家的時候就是接近哈德遜河的時候，風速之急，雨注全是橫向的打，路樹街燈搖搖晃晃不說，停在我正前方的等紅燈的休旅車也被水平打擊的雨撞得搖搖晃晃，我踩緊煞車握緊方向盤，希望寄託在幫幫厚重的底盤。
然後連續看到兩條閃電垂直落進河的方向，我身子不由自主的往心裡縮，立刻回想起一年多前恐怖的愛荷華之旅，同樣也是雷電交加的大雨，而經驗不代表不會被雷聲嚇到，不代表會喜歡在風雨裡開車，我總是覺得我就是會這麼不幸的遇到許多不幸。然後我就要很理性的告訴我自己：要理性啊！

我家有兩處天花板可以直直望到天空，我抬著頭確定沒有再繼續落雨，決定去河邊散步，空氣很清，曼哈頓看來更亮眼。
這就是我一直在追尋的日子啊，可以想出門散步的時候就出門，出門散步的時候可以看到最美的夜景，尤其是在看完 Revolutionary Road之後，我很開心的說我正在過著我要的生活，框框還是有，但是框架並不輕易碰到我。

雨裡

2009-07-27T19:29:00.003-04:00

早上幫幫涉水離開 Hoboken 的時候，新聞正在播報著昨晚的大雷雨殺掉六七個人。
一個開著休旅車的媽媽載著兩個小孩和兩三個小孩的表兄弟姐妹，因為雨勢太大沒看清路標而飆上對向的高速公路，當場跟來車迎頭對撞，只有一個小朋友生還。
一個大雷劈在一個大樹，大樹下剛跑去躲雨的人當場身亡。
兩個朋友躲著去躲雨，其中一個跑到一半被雷劈死。

我心有餘悸的緊緊抓住方向盤，雖然早上的天已經放晴，但是路面積水不退，前面的車要是突然拋錨停下來或是打滑來個不預警的大轉身，那前幾天剛花了我五百多塊進場保養的幫幫可就遭殃了。

我的涼鞋還是溼答答的掛在鞋架上，都是昨天傍晚的一場臨時大雷雨害的，背包和衣服都淋濕了，小小一把折疊傘只是勉強保住我跟班比的頭髮、他的超小 Asus Eee 筆電、我新買的 David Sedaris 和另一本小說、我們的舞鞋和不停尖叫的喉嚨。
所有的路人都跑進地鐵站躲雨，或叫或笑，拍照傳短訊，滴滴答答的地鐵站即刻成為充滿以 oh 為起始句的避風港景點。oh my god, oh shoot, oh look at me, oh grist, oh i am trapped here, oh what the, oh ...

半個小時左右，雨過天晴，地上物都異常乾淨，連雲都特別白亮的感覺，路面上的水漥也清可見底，若是真有傳說中的鱷魚在紐約地下水生活著，現在應該也願意出來透透氣。
跟台灣來的朋友吃完「一風堂」拉麵，三個男生跟著我回到 Hoboken 去看夜景，出了地鐵十五分鐘之後又開始狂風暴雨，我從家裡趕著要去河邊拯救那些男生的計畫也被吹亂：自以為雙手緊握硬骨大傘可以走過幾條街，結果風向一直變，風速一直增強，裙子頭髮亂飛，傘面翻爆，傘骨也跟著反方向翻轉，卻把傘面撐成半圓，我像是拿著一朵超大號黑色鬱金香在雨裡飄，一捲風由下往上灌過風衣，風衣和群擺也企圖一起向天盛開，一急之下我用一隻手阻擋，傘面就在此時離開傘骨，我也跑進騎樓裡，張著嘴看著越來越瘋狂的天氣。
班比說他們在河邊看著雷電不停的劃過紐約上空，莫名奇妙的趕上自然界的煙火秀。溼答答的我只想沖個熱水澡。

今天下班回家的時候，風雨早已過，但是路面積水還是很嚴重，幫幫又不是吉普車，只能慢慢的涉水，交通走走停停，三台車子在平常就已經險象環生的交叉路段追撞，一台休旅車甚至滑到整個面向車流。
這所謂交叉路段是我在賓州生活的時候沒有辦法想像的，Ａ公路交流道接進Ｂ公路的同時，Ｂ公路往外接市區道路，通通都在同一條車道上，Ａ來Ｂ的人要加速插進Ｂ的車流，要從Ｂ出去的人卻要減速才能出公路，同時要跟剛進Ｂ的車子爭車道。這個車禍就發生在Ａ接進Ｂ之後，Ｂ在一英哩內又要接進Ｃ，而就在同一條車道Ｂ又可以轉進Ａ，這樣還不夠複雜，路標都是在即將快要Ａ變Ｂ變Ｃ變Ａ的時候才出現，所以一個失神或是一個眨眼，就會錯過出口入口然後被迫飆離目的地。我第一次開車從賓州進紐約的時候就是在這裡迷的路，事隔六年我已經是老油條一個，也不敢小看這個路口。
撞到遠遠的面向車流的駕駛是個小姐，她的車看起來是沒事，但她一定要去收個驚的。可惡的紐澤西！

停了車就要走到家的時候，雨又開始下，雨越來越大，奇怪，太陽也越來越大，我家方向的人聲也越來越大。路邊停滿了採訪車，抗議人潮聚集在我家對面的市政府，雨勢擋不住大家的怒火。我才想起上個禮拜四上班途中聽到的新聞：天一亮，FBI 派員三百多人抓了四十幾個涉嫌行賄洗錢的地方官和猶太牧師，其中一個地方官是 Hoboken 的市長。這市長在被抓當天就被保出來，還回到市政府照常上班想洗刷自己的罪名。這個三十二歲的市長才在位子上坐了二十幾天，怎麼可能在大家「辭職」的叫吼聲離開呢。這些官員和抗議民眾的把戲實在不夠成熟，也不學學台灣，去參考一下新聞要怎麼製造這戲才會好看。
我呢，回家躲雨吃西瓜。啊，天氣這麼潮濕怎麼還是口乾舌燥？西瓜真是聖品。
吃掉四分之一個西瓜，雨也停了。

eternal and spotless

2009-07-25T21:55:00.003-04:00

You either get moved or entertained by a movie; otherwise, the movie is worthless to you. Since the beginning of the cable-TV era, I have watched same movies repeatedly because of the simple reaosn that they were played repeatedly on TV. Mama tried to stop me from watching same movies but gave up because she found herself watching same movies repeatedly too. Why is it hard to drag ourselves away from the TV, from a movie that we have watched again and again? One reason is that this is a moving or entertaining movie. It is like a good book making you read again and again until you can repeat every line. For example, Stephen Chow's movies define my generation. His movie lines build the conversations and social interactions.

Without a TV cable subscription, it is much harder to watch same movies over and over again. So I bought DVDs. Tonight, I watched Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind. I saw it in the theater for the first time. I loved it, and bought the DVD. I watched it, and loved it and told people how I loved it. That was four years ago? Oh, gosh, time really can fly.
Watching it again tonight with my new TV reminded me how great this movie is, and new fondness was created; that is, I like it even more now. How clever the story is. How well the director made the cuts. How convincing the actors' mutual chemistry is. How precise each character's role is.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

~ Alexander Pope

Total acceptance is one essential component that characterizes or be the evidence of love. This was why I felt so moved and understood when walking out of the theater in 2004. Now thinking back... I cannot think much back. My memory is a blur. I went to see the movie with my housemate. I was single, not dating anyone or interested in anyone. The core of me was there, intact or innocent without much ruins.

Moving has cleaned up my collections in physical world and mental life. Things are re-organized. Thoughts are re-analyzed. I realized how unhealthy or depressing during the past two years of postdoc. Those years were not simply post-doc but post-PennState, post-school, and post-breakup. Living in South Orange forced me spending too much time with myself and memories, preventing me from moving on. When you have to constantly consciously tell yourself to move on, it is not a good sign, and it is damn hard to move on.

Just three weeks after moving, I feel refreshing and happier than ever. I ran by the river, looking at Manhattan, smiling to other runners, thinking nothing but focusing only on the sounds and views of my surroundings. I sat in my red couch, in my bed, on my bar stool, within the window-side corner, on the floor with or without the carpet. With almost everything new to me, I feel released from the past. Memory, thus, decades more rapidly. I am such a sad person, only recall upsetting memories.
If I were seeking help in the memory-erasing clinic, I would have huge breakdowns and provided them a brain map super easy to find. I am too focused.

Recently, many Taiwanese start using Facebook. A lot of my old classmates "friended" me. Some of them, I do not remember. If you and I have not contacted each other for so many years, the reason is simple: we did not connect and probably would not and should not. If the picture of you or the name of you cannot remind me of anything of you (i.e., you are not in my brain map of memory), I really don't know how Facebook will make us closer. But I added many "friends" nonetheless for the sake of social pressure. What the hell.
Many of them, I thought, had been erased by the perfect human system but some traces were left. A few traces trigger pieces of memory. Pieces of memory get connected. Boom, ah! you! how could I remember those details? But I do remember those details. Amazing. I am amazed by my mind.

Now I remember why I loved the movie even more after the second view than the first theater appreciation. This movie is a good application of cognitive/affective psychology. It should be a required film to watch for all psych major.

Moved and entertained, I am very satistied. This memory of feeling is eternal and spotless.

boom

2009-07-25T12:15:00.002-04:00

The first baby came out a week ago. James’s Oliver was born. James sent out Oliver’s picture to us, who couldn’t help but o-ing to the cute little sleepy face.
For the new comer in the family, James got a 6-week leave according to the new policy just announced a month ago. However, James came to work today for some business that cannot be done by anyone else.
He and the next new parent Karen and us stood there, chatting about the delivery, labor, centimeters of dilation, breast feeding, excitement and physical fatigue.

“In a snap, I forgot who I was before last Friday. I am someone new, seeing Oliver and being a father and all. I never thought I would like to be father. But, it is awesome, just seeing my own son.”
Karen is due next Thursday, but Jenny and Naureen are more excited than her. Karen is cool and reminds me of Cathleen when she was pregnant.
After Karen, Cristin and Nancy are having babies too in the next two months.

Judy set a deadline with her partner.
“Don’t you feel this way? As a woman turning 30, I have started re-evaluate things around me and my expectations and goals. It’s not that we don’t love each other. We are so much in love, but love is not enough. I need my partner sharing a similar life goal with me. He did not think about it until I initiated the conversation. Finally he is building a career that I can see a future that is more practical than simple romance.”

Somehow, my mind was replaying Judy’s words while everyone was cheered by the baby boom in the Research Center.
“Wait until you have your own child.” Jenny kept saying this, and await my reply which usually is “I will wait.”
“How old are you?” Jenny asked, “When are you going to have a baby?” I prefer Judy’s company way much more.

Do I re-evaluate things as a woman turning 30?
I do not re-evaluate things according a round number of age. I have had my plan set at the age when I met Judy, which was eleven. Oh, I did have vision and an old soul back in junior high. However, my plan is not inclusionary: I would not have a boyfriend until 18. I would not get married until 30. I would not have a child until I get married. Perhaps I should develop some inclusionary goals for being a more positive human being.

I do re-evaluate things every time I climb a step in academia. Wanting to be a professor is, however, very different from wanting to build a life with someone who also wants to live a lifestyle in a big city. All my plans have been about me, just me, not one else involved. Mama is in my plans for “I will take care of her. I will move back to Taiwan when she needs close care. I will make her happy.” But it is different from having a plan to share my life with someone. I guess I need that someone to plan with me about our life together. I cannot just plan it by myself. So the question turns to looking for that special someone who is willing to plan with me.

“Never get knocked up.” A friend who fathered two kids with his ex-girlfriend advised me sincerely. However, I wonder, if everything was planned so well and going with the plan so well, how could he have arrived at this stage of life? How could he have comprehended so much of his trajectory? How could he have experienced those things defining who he is? How could he have even given me that advice?
I am a planner, following the planned path of being with myself. But a corner of my heart wishes for a yank from a strong man who finds me a great candidate to be his life partner. I wished A had asked me to stay. I wished B had invited me to go with him. I wished C had planned to come back to me. But all these ABCs were gone. They became phases of my life, instead of partners. Of course, no future could be projected.
The problem is that I never asked, invited, or planned. I let go.
I let go.
So no one stayed.

I saw Public Enemies last night. It was pretty heavy and upsetting from my point of view. The short-living romance and the determinate feeling from John to Billie were so powerful. Of course I am not waiting for a powerful criminal to repeatedly assure me that he will take care of me. I am waiting for the repeated assuring statement "I will take care of you. Listen, I will take care of you" which does come with action. Who is not waiting for this? Who is not looking for a compatible special someone who takes care of you and is taken care of by you?
It is so easy to say this to your parents or children. But it is so hard to say this to your lover. I have never promised a lover that I will take care of him. So no one promised me either? Is it why no one has yanked me out of my planned path toward full independence?
Will taking care of someone other than myself complete myself? Having a child is the last thing I will do to fulfill this completion.

Oliver is so so so cute. Smile cannot be hidden from James's tired face.
As a woman turning 30, my evaluation today is that I am not having a baby anytime soon. Love is not enough. We will find a way to make it more than enough.

心念到處轉

2009-07-18T15:18:00.004-04:00

年初在台北的房間裡尋找一樣大概忽然出現在夢裡的東西：小時候我自己刻的藏書印。
大概找了十分鐘我就放棄了，大概是以為我還在作夢，大概不太確定那東西可以存活那麼久。

最近搬家整理著兩年前搬離賓州就應該要整理的箱子們，我看到了那個我很久以前拿來裝藏書印的零錢包，自己跟自己微笑道［原來你一直在我身邊啊］，也沒立刻打開，反正就是安心的確定了它的存在，它不會跑掉就在那邊等我去看看罷了，不需要急著去摸它一下。就像是我總是在科技大樓搭捷運，但是我沒去過科技大樓，反正要去總是隨時可以去啊，然後我就離開台北，每年回台北也沒想要去，反正要去總是每年都可以去啊。

過了兩個禮拜長日短眠的炎夏搬家適應新環境的身心寰宇大掃除，好不容易兩天前我可以閒閒沒有雜念的窩在新新的書茶小角落，翹著腳吹風曬太陽看書，心念一轉又想寫東西。
每年總是有幾個這樣的心念一轉，然後我就會開啟那堆了十幾個都是只有四五頁開頭的故事，然後可能再加一個文字檔，可能心念又轉走了，寫作之路又繼續無限延期。這回呢，我想如果我把形式都搞定，說不定我可以認真的看待這個寫作夢。

曾經我有個英文筆名 december，那麼中文筆名也來叫做十二月吧，嗯... 不是很喜歡。把十二月三個字拼一拼，拼成青，嗯... 當然不行啊，青的文字風格跟我的不一樣。還是胚吧。
那...

就在我那來那去東張西望的時候，我看到那個裝藏書印的零錢包，走過去盯著它幾分鐘，我居然發起呆來，發呆對我來說不是一件簡單自然的事情，通常必須要有高人引導或是疲累到一個限度。當我發現自己在發呆的那一瞬間，我拿起了那零錢包不再遲疑的打開它。

有兩個印章袋呢。一個是紅色絨布袋，一個是藍色運動褲布袋。
我知道藏書印是在藍色運動褲布袋裡，又是那種一看到記憶就會湧上的情況，那時為了高中美術課... 高中美術老師想要把大家都變成全能藝術家，我們從素描、水彩、國畫到雕塑都要會，還要會畫室內設計圖、背西洋藝術史、寫博物館參觀報告。藏書印就是我十四歲那年刻的，空前絕後，打了分數之後，我回家把國中的運動短褲剪一剪縫一縫變成印章袋... 這也是空前絕後的作品啊。
但那紅色絨布袋裡是什麼啊？
我先打開未知物的布袋，啊！是你啊！是大學時候去澎湖玩買的五花石，正楷刻了我的名字。澎湖故事妻的 T-shirt 是一直跟著我，偶爾還是會在家穿，但是這印章真的是在我的記憶裡迷路了，現在看到它感觸良多啊...

把兩個印章都洗刷一下，放在顯眼的地方，心念轉到眼底變得模模糊糊。

小星，帶個紅色印泥來給我吧！我立刻寫信給要來找我玩的姐妹。
書兒們即將要烙印了，跟留在台北的書一樣，會有那四個字，麻嗎告訴我的四個字：自在一生。

visibly uncomfortable

2009-07-13T22:02:00.005-04:00

In 2006, the movie or semi-real documentary "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan" unexpectedly shocked and surprised everyone. I fell in love with this artist/actor/thinker Sacha Baron Cohen and crazily searched for all online videos about Borat and Sacha Cohen for several hours.

This year, the movie Bruno, whose original title, according to IMDb, was "Bruno: Delicious Journeys Through America for the Purpose of Making Heterosexual Males Visibly Uncomfortable in the Presence of a Gay Foreigner in a Mesh T-Shirt" is even better!

Borat and Bruno were the stimuli in these experiments of social psychology. People, the subjects, who were selected to be shown in these films, represent a significantly large proportion of the American world. Superficial politeness, political correctness, xenophobia, homophobia, and gender-based double standard on homosexuals are all good examples of the American phenomena.

After laughing so hard in the theater, the audience would think sadly about this country. Why are there people who have a lifetime goal of becoming a celebrity? Why are there parents using their babies as dollar-producing trees? Why do skinny stupid models deserve high pay? Why do people feel so uncomfortable with gay men but okay with lesbians? Why do gay men give the world the impression that they only care about physical stuff and ignore anything beyond? Why is hunting defined as a straight thing to do? Why is showing a penis so funny in movies?

Superstar said if the fighting scene were played by two girls, the whole male crowd would have got hard on, rather than throwing chairs onto the stage.
If the SM-binding scene were played by two girls, the guards would have reacted opposite way and never taken them to the police.

Sacha Cohen is successful because he makes audience discuss and think about his work after stepping out of the theater. I think about how he came up with these ideas of experiments. I think about how he conjured up the way to express all these ideas. I think about his influence does not need a peer-reviewed journal or tenure-track committee or a grant-review board to stamp approval. I think about how tiny I am in this world where I can mostly complain about things without doing anything to promote changes.
How come the whole experience turned out to be upsetting? It is visibly uncomfortable, as the original title suggested, although Bruno truly is a beautiful man.

moving

2009-07-09T20:53:00.004-04:00

Moving is my current life.
I am moving from a small town to a bigger suburban city. I am moving from a cubicle to an office.

After a truck load (actually a full UHaul van) and a holiday of moving, I am going back to the old apartment everydayafter work for the past week to gradually take things to the new place. Two reasons for this tedious behavior: 1) I am not a professional or strong mover, and able to carry certain amount of stuff each time. 2) Bungbung is not a van.
The new place is awesome. Organizing it is painful. First of all, I need furniture to start the process of organization. The kitchen and closets are wonderfully equipped, but the bedroom and living room are poorly empty.
Because of my excellent taste, love-at-first-sight furniture is all expensive. Superstar has been guarding my bank account and constantly educating me how to save money by patiently looking in various stores. I have visited 2 Targets, 3 Bed, Bath, and Beyonds, 4 Home Depots, and several K-marts, Containers, local funiture/futon shops, etc. Each stores, I may have been there for more than twice for the past 10 days.
We could walk for 6 hours in a couple of stores but only bought 3 items. My legs and patience were running out of control.
Superstar cannot believe how difficult it could be to get the perfect trashcan for me. I cannot believe how difficult it could be to get the perfect bar stools, chest, TV stand, couch, rug, and window curtain. All is difficult because all has to meet the financial and personnally arty criteria for both of us.
At the end of the day, I cannot believe how much I care about Superstar's opinions on everything. If I were single, things could have been done in one day with my over-decisive careless personality, but my credit would have gone broken.

After over two months of the new position, entitled with a real office, I am still working in my cubicle.
I gave them time, hoping the office was set up after my trip to Taiwan. Apparently, they "thought" they ordered furniture, as the person in charge literally told me so as a seemingly acceptable explanation. I was confused. How can you "think" you ordered a desk? If you ordered it, you would have got a receipt or a confirmation number. Anyway, I was simply kindly asking the person to order it soon.
A month later, the desk arrived. But the room was a mess. The carpet was dirty. Junk from another lab was still occupying the room.
Two weeks later, the room was cleaned. But I could not move in because there was and still is no telephone, which is a very important and necessary device in an office. The person said he would order one for me.
I was afraid that he would only think about it but not do it, according to the previous furniture episode. Therefore, from time to time, I went ask our lab secretary, who evidentally had showed more trustworthy responses.
As my cubicle is exploding, and as my work really requires a bigger space, and as some stuff from my old apartment should be moved to the office, I have started moving things into the office. Finally, replying to my email today, the person said I may have a chance to move over next Wednesday.

At least, my arms and legs are getting stronger these days. But my back and shoulder hurt.
My patience may be trained better. Or my appearance of hiding my impatience has improved a lot.
I wish my sleep quality can get back to normal soon. I opened eyes at 6 am for three days after perfectly quiet nights (why I emphaze "quiet nights" will be explained in the future entry.) I don't want to naturally wake up before 7:30 am! I may have rapidly aged in two weeks.

Nonetheless, my dream of moving is to begin a new youth.
I wish this dream will come true. I know it is coming.

king has gone

2009-06-25T23:42:00.002-04:00

I was there, October 1996, when MJ came to Taipei.
That was actually the second time, and the last time, in my memory when he toured to Taipei.
The first time was in my junior high years. I did not save enough money to go to his concert. One ticket asked for NT$ 4000 (about US$135), but I did not even have regular allowances.
A couple years later in 1996, he came again. I had went to senior high and started getting some hundreds per week from Mama. I did not tell Mama until several days before the concert. She was mad at me spending that much money on entertainment. I was like: this is my money, and it is not just some entertainment. It is Michael Jackson!
(Years later, I spent more on Michael Jordan because it was Michael Jordan!)

I was surprised to see her when waiting in line with my classmate (whose name I cannot recall and whose face I could hardly recall either) to get into the stadium for the concert.
Mama said she liked him too. She deserved to spending money. Yes, I smiled to the fact that she finally could not help but spending what she earned on what she deserved.

Looking at her ticket, oh my, she was sitting in the same area as me!
The night became a great night with Mama. Both of us screamed until our throats could not produce any sound. I sang with MJ, and Mama asked how come I knew the lyrics. I said I had listened to his History album everyday for months. My classmate somehow faded. I don't remember whether she enjoyed the concert or enjoyed her night with me. But I definitely enjoyed the night with Mama and her excited spirit. I loved Michael Jackson!

He died today.

demon and angel

2009-06-19T20:41:00.006-04:00

Her name is Dr. Beth.
Since the first time I submitted an NIH grant application, I have called her and emailed her numerous times. My boss had highly recommended me to call her. My boss believes that NIH program officers like to talk to investigators. My boss believes that Dr. Beth is the most incredible program officer for investigators.
I don't know about that. I do know that Dr. Beth is one of the nicest persons in the world.
She always made me feel I was the smartest scientist or my application was the most fundable project.
She has the voice.

It's like picking a yoga class. No matter how good the teacher's skills or teaching techniques are, if he/she does not have the soothing voice that softens every conflict on the earth, I will abandon the class.
Dr. Beth has the voice. She would be a great yoga teacher if she left science.

My first interaction with her was through email.
Not only did she reply immediately, but she also tried to make an appointment for a conference call. If I left a message in her voice mail, she would definitely return my call within one business day.
I felt so important.

This project I had submitted twice, February 2008 being the first submission and November 2008 being the second. See how this process takes time?
My score got better the second time around. But the percentage priority did not seem to 100% ensure me that the project would definitely get funded.
In April, I called Dr. Beth. At that time, she was not my primary program office for this particular project. I asked if her institute was interested in my project. She read my proposal and said yes. I asked her my chance to get funded through her institute. She said the Obama administration gave lots of money to research this year and my project might get funded because of the stimulus fund. I asked if she could re-assign my project to her institute. She ran some internal paperwork and emailed me with a word "Done!"
So I waited.

Last Thursday the 11th was the day when the advice council took place to decide if my project was funded.
I checked a specific NIH website entire day, trying to get the news. However, the website was impossible to get on. Everyone who submitted an NIH proposal seemed to try to get on it.
On the next day, the situation did not change. But messages from NIH said that particular website was going through some serious unknown unsolved problems.
Oh... federal agencies....
So I waited.

After a weekend, I emailed Dr. Beth. My email bounced back immediately, saying she was out of office and would return on Wednesday.
So I waited.

On Wednesday morning, I received Dr. Beth's email, saying my project was not funded.
What? What a demon! How could she do this to me? She gave me hope and a couple months later kicked me down the hill.
My heart was broken. I asked for hugs from everyone in the lab. I could not pay attention in meetings. I forced myself to focus on manuscript writing. I went to bed early.
On Thursday, my big boss comforted me and suggested me to call Dr. Beth. I was like: what is the point to bother her again? Yeah.. she did not help passing my proposal, but it was not her job to make a guarantee. Big boss said that I should call her because she had given me hope that the payline was generous this year with Obama money.
I was convinced then. What could I lose anyway? But instead of calling her, I sent a nice email saying how much I have learned, how much I thanked her for all the encouragement, and how much I would never give up trying again and again. And please kindly let me know if the stimulus fund would work for my application.
I went home and slept over it.

Today, at 9:30 am, Dr. Beth replied with a death sentence: No, sorry, your project was not funded.
My heart was numb. Whatever. I went on with my work and continued writing.
At 4 pm, my phone rang. I thought it was Jenny or Naureen telling me that I should go to test a patient.
It was Dr. Beth!
She said that her computer was down, but luckily she kept my new office number somewhere else. She would like to tell me in person (phone call is indeed more personal than email these days) that she put my project into the process of getting the stimulus money! Before things are signed and sealed, however, she could not guarantee the result, but at least my application is not dead.
She apologized that she made my day down and up in several hours. Even though her computer was not working, she insisted to give me the good news so that I could start my weekend happily.
What a nice person!
I even "oh-my-god"-ed to her remarks although I am not an OMG girl at all. Was she an angel or what? Did she just convert me into an OMG person?
After the conversation, I immediately emailed my boss and big boss. I wanted to pass on the karma of "starting the weekend happily."

Can't believe that my mood is altered so easily by Dr. Beth.
Is it a good sign or bad sign?
I officially become a grant-chasing research scientist, for sure.

花錢

2009-06-18T23:28:00.001-04:00

自從簽了房租, 胚心情愉悅的要花很多大錢.
首先, 訂了一張床.
那張床據說原價 $1699 pre-tax, 售貨員 (來美國那麼多年第一次遇到那麼積極進取的售貨員) 說那是著名的 W Hotel 專用床 (暱稱 bed in heaven), 現在美東北地區的庫存只剩下三張, 大殺價 $899, 問我要不要.
我看看班比, 剛剛是他問我要不要進來看看的, 現在好了吧, 人家硬要賣我床呢. 而且我試躺了一次還很喜歡, 試躺了第二次更喜歡, 人家硬要賣我呢.
班比說我們只是路過進來看看, 現在不急著買.
售貨員於是追問我們什麼時候要, 我說我七月才搬家, 新床七月才要.
他說他可以七月再送貨.
班比看看我, 你啊你兩天前才大手筆的簽了房租付了訂金, 今天又要花大錢嗎?
售貨員看我們眉來眼去, 緩了緩氣氛說: 我知道你的預算是六七百, 那我讓你躺躺我們家六七百的床, 你比較看看.
我躺了躺, 唉... 我就是喜歡那張 bed in heaven.
床是我最在意的家具, 每天回家花上最多時間就是在床上. 班比了解我, 看看我, 你確定嗎? 喜歡就訂了吧.
售貨員看我們有點動搖了, 他說你再去躺躺. 我說我躺兩次了, 我知道我喜歡.
班比開始跟我分析來分析去, 他說真的要急著現在買嗎? 他說那不過就加了個記憶床墊罷了, 他說他也是很喜歡的啦, 他說可是真的不便宜耶, 他說可是這是你最在意的家具.
我沒有回話, 我又走向那張床, 第三次躺上去.
我下了床, 我跟售貨員說, 我要它了.
售貨員微笑問我要不要使用一年無息分期付款?
What? Really? 我說當然要啊.
第一次享受到有真正薪水的好處: 信用, 信用好買什麼都可以分期付款, 美國人的消費市場原來是這樣啊.

所以我要分期付款買新電腦.
還有新電視. 我親愛的電視跟我也跟了七年, 該退休了.
剛剛在想, 我是不是要加買一個外接的電腦螢幕, 這樣手提電腦在家裡當主機使用, 螢幕可以外接個大一點的, 然後就想想乾脆新電視一機兩用, 可以當電視螢幕來看 DVD 也可以當電腦螢幕.
結果我 google 的結果是: 我還是要買一個電視螢幕和一個電腦螢幕. 真是花錢啊..... 好吧, 電腦螢幕可以等等啦.

以下是倒出我上述結論的資訊:

原著是從 Yahoo+ 知識轉到光華商場論壇, 現在我又轉過來, 作者是 tomigood.

一般大眾大都以為電腦螢幕和液晶電視是同樣的面版,只是有加電視選臺器..等,可以收看電視的就是液晶電視,沒有加裝電視選臺器的有VGA只能接電腦的就是電腦螢幕(或稱鑑示器);其時兩者之主要差別就是在面版本身.

電腦鑑示器主要是收看電腦資訊的,其資訊之呈現大都是以文字表格圖形等靜畫為主,且是靠近電腦甚至就顯在您眼前,故其最主要的條件是清晰;亮度對比不需太高, 以免近看傷眼睛;且因文字表格圖形大都是靜畫,故面版反應時間不需太快.....

電視面版之需求就完全相反,因其是為讓您可以高翹二郎腿,舒適的躺坐在沙發上,遠觀電視而設.因是遠觀故清晰並不是最重要(遠看一朵花,近看一個疤,哎呀我的媽,原來是個母夜叉....觀賞美女絕對要遠看不能近看,否則您一定是個大傻瓜).但因電視畫面大都是動畫(新聞主持例外),又係遠觀,故亮度對比以及螢幕的反應時間變的非常重要.(反應時間太慢於動畫動作太大時會發生拖影).

所以有人認為液晶電視接上接上VGA就成電腦鑑示器,而電腦鑑示器接上電視卡或電視盒就變成液晶電視,這種觀念是不正確的,由于面版特性不同, 設計的觀念不同,所以液晶電視拿來當液晶電腦螢幕您看起來會覺得吃力,刺眼,眼睛極易疲乏;相反的您若拿液晶電腦螢幕來當液晶電視那您就會覺得畫面對比不夠,較不清晰,且畫面移動時會有嚴重的拖影現象.

此外,液晶電視因係針對視訊使用,所以它用了很多視訊專用的解調晶片,如3D梳型濾波器,動態偵測循序掃瞄,動態對比控制,灰階平衡控制......等視訊專用晶片,大大的題昇視訊的清晰度與可看性,而這些電路都是装在本身基版內,與面版一對一的調整;而電視盒或轉換器不但沒有上述之提高畫質之電路,而且是單獨之個體,和您的晶電腦螢幕是否匹配的好就要看運氣了.

因為電腦及電視所顯示之標的不同,故像日本電視大廠,如Sony,Hitachi....等大廠已經開始把電視及電腦螢幕作分割,其最高檔之電漿電視已經不加VGA端子,純粹只能用於電視中.
所以您若只要有電視畫面就滿足了,那大可買只電視盒接在螢幕上就可看到電視畫面;但若要享受電視所帶來的聲光效果,那只有花大錢用高檔的液晶電視了.

還有什麼要買啊?
沙發! 五斗櫃! 書架! 桌椅...
我應該要搞一個 house warming registry
還是乖乖存錢吧

history of sickness

2009-06-16T20:00:00.003-04:00

Was I amazingly healthy before 2004? If not, why did I trash all medical bills before 2004? No, I don't trash this kind of things easily. I must have been quite healthy.
I even went home in 2003 during the SARS crisis. There were more stewardesses than passengers on the flight. Everyone was wearing a mask. I was fine shopping in stores with all attention to myself only. I was fine after multiple temperature checks at entrances of anything. I must have been quite healthy before 2004.

I pushed all medical bills to the floor and thought I did not need them anymore: they are useless now.
Within a minute, I regretted and sat down on the floor, starting organizing them by dates of medical services.
This stack of bills represents part of my history, my American life. Their importance is equivalent to photographs'. Photographs usually record happy times. Medical bills remind me of unpleasant physical conditions. Although unpleasant, they are not terrible. They are not like my teenage diaries which I have destroyed.

My skin went bad starting from the cold dry winter of 2003 and became worse during that horribly busy and stressful semester of spring 2004.
I went to see three doctors, and each of them prescribed me different anti-histamines. They asked me to apply lotion and cream as often as possible on my skin. They told me that my condition would not be cured.
I was desperate. My skin went not only dry but broken and bleeding. Nothing improved. I could not apply lotion on wounds.
In spring 2004, I took 4 courses (one more credit than I was allowed to take per semester) and finished up for my masters. When Mama came to see me for my masters ceremony in May, I had to cover my face and legs with thick cosmetics.
She was heart broken seeing me like that. She asked for Chinese medicine's help and mailed me herb-extract creams from Taiwan. Magically, symptoms on my face, hands, and legs disappeared in a week.
Since then, I was converted into a Chinese medicine believer.

In October 2005, one of my wisdom teeth was pulled out. That was one unbelievably insane experience (written in Chinese, however).
In a highly developed country such as Taiwan, one does not need to be put to sleep in order to have teeth, or wisdom teeth to be more specific, removed. The patient will not feel a thing during the procedure. The patient will be able to return to normal life within an hour after the procedure.
I do not understand why I had to be anesthetized entirely for removal of one tooth. I could not function for not just one day but felt light-headed for the whole week.
Worse, the other wisdom teeth bugged me in November before Thanksgiving. That's right. I had them removed by the same surgeon through the same anesthetization s**t before the holiday when people were happily eating. Thankfully on the black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving), Alex accompanied me to King of Prussia, the Pennsylvanian town where the biggest outlet on the East Coat is.

Since then, I received many dental bills because I identified a dentist to take care of me. The dentist was from Poland. She had a very strong accent. She liked to talked to me while I was unable to reply with my mouth wide open. She liked to asked me questions requiring answers that could not be accomplished by nodding or shaking my head.
She was very detail-oriented. She would spend two hours in tooth washing or until I could not feel my jaw.
She provided me cherry-flavored anti-bacteria-related jell on my gum. She gave me samples of mouth wash, toothbrush, and toothpaste.
She reminded me of dentist visits every month by mailing me a card. She would say "You have $1000 to spend each year covered by your insurance. Do not waste it." But I really preferred not to visit her more than once a year.

I have stopped seeing a dentist since I moved to New Jersey. My postdoc insurance did not cover dentistry.
Which reminds me that I should find a dentist soon because now my new insurance covers it.
Yeah... America is weird in its health insurance systems.

In spring 2007, I discovered that my immune system hates pollen. I sneezed in non-stop for two days during the move to New Jersey and flew back to Taiwan for a month. When I was back to the States, it was summer without allergy attack.
The allergy attack came back on time in spring 2008. I named it GBM.
This year the seasonal allergy was bad too, but I did my best to survive from it without taking medication. Well... in fact I was too lazy to get drug, and I was thinking "I am going to Florida and Taiwan in May. It is summer there." However, in some nights, I failed to fall asleep because my sinuses were congested. I prayed for rain.

Superstar made me to have a mask on during the plane ride to Taiwan. Although I refused to wear a mask in New Jersey on the request of Mama, I obeyed Superstar and wore an N95 mask for 17 hours of flying, not comfortable at all. In Taiwan, up to May, all cases of the H1N1 virus carriers were travelers coming from New York, especially Queens. We were flying from JFK. Superstar cared so I had to care because I care about what he cares.
I did not get the flu but got a diarrhea for a week. This had happened once several years ago. My digestion system seems to prefer America even though my skin loves Taiwan.

To take care of myself, I apply skin lotion and cream as often as possible. I also do pap smears and check vision every year. I also talk to Kim if I am not feeling well. How convenient to have a physician friend so close by.
Actually I have several physician friends in Taiwan. Oh those days back in college finally are paying off. I could email friends to find Taiwanese doctors for Mama and grand parents. Even my boss knows a Taiwanese psychiatrist (her previous trainee) who has recommended neurologists for Mama.
Now I am a believer in Chinese medicine, meaning I will need friends in this field to guide me. Luckily, friendships since college years last. Little North is becoming a practitioner in Chinese medicine. Ching is studying acupressure. I am covered.

Exact descriptions are not needed to reserve my historical events. Just medical conditions or photographs are enough to cue past episodes. Blog entries help too.
Take care, you all.
Take care.

stay up

2009-06-08T17:02:00.003-04:00

Up is yet another great Pixar film.
As usual, after seeing the movie I went to imdb for more information. I found the following and couldn't help but admire nerds out there:
"If Carl's house was approximately 1600 square feet, and the average house weighs between 60-100 pounds per square foot, it weighs 120,000 pounds. If the average helium balloon can carry .009 pounds (or 4.63 grams), it would take 12,658,392 balloons to lift his house off the ground. (20,622 balloons appear on the house when it first lifts off.)"

I need a balloon to lift each eyelid. I need 20,000 balloons to lift Mr. M off the earth and away from my planet. Mr. M is a nerd type that could never induce fondness from me.
Jet lag is one of the worst things in the world. Another worst thing is to hear Mr. M the IT mumbling in my personal space, which is the entire hall way where my cubicle locates. I have tried to stay calm with him since the first week of my postdoc career (for example).
Today as I was fighting drowsiness while working, Mr. M came over and demanded my computer for 30 minutes. He claimed that he needed it for a Microsoft update.
Instead of saying "Can you see I'm busy?", I replied "Do you have to do it now?"
"No, not really. Hm... let me check one thing." He reached over and took a look into the system, realizing that my computer had been updated automatically. "Oh, I don't need your computer."

Why didn't you check so before demanding my space?
Why couldn't you disappear?
Why are you staying next to my cubicle and talking to J without noticing that he does not want to talk to you and I do not want to listen to you?

Mr. M told J that Cantonese was the second most spoken Chinese language next to Mandarin. Mr. M also stated that, as-a-matter-of-fact-ly, I was Japanese.
I was like... oh if you were so knowledgeable, how come you didn't know my first name was a super popular Chinese name, meaning that I am Chinese?
J avoided him by asking him to ask me since I was there a cubicle-separator away.
"No, you are wrong." I said without emotion.
"Really? Does China mean 'united'?" He asked another question.
"No, it does not. China, the English word, has nothing to do with the Chinese name of the country, which does not mean 'united' either."
"But the blah blah blah says.."
"No, it is wrong."
"But my ex-girlfriend, who is Chinese, told me that ...." He kept saying, and I zoned my mind out of his voice. Girl friend? Who wants to be your girl friend? Does the girl know she was your girl friend? How about your current girl friend? Have you met her in person? Does she know you are her boy friend?

Somehow, being disgusted by Mr. M made me awake.
I felt horribly drowsy all day yesterday, but stayed in office till regular hour today.

Oh, God of Balloons, please fly Mr. M away from me.
Also, go see Up. Go see all Pixar films. They are awesome!

please rain at night

2009-05-14T21:24:00.003-04:00

The Vision Sciences Society holds its conference every first or second week of May. This year was the 9th meeting and my 6th.
I left New Jersey where pollen attacks me fiercely. I flew to Naples, Florida where summer is the theme. Summer is not the season for pollen. That is, my nose would not be running, and my eyes would not be tearing. I am very glad that I am not allergic to sunlight. Just ... being an Asian means that I am not a big fan of the sun tan, but I do like sunny days and cloudless nights. Click the picture below to feel it.

Summer starts at VSS

Once getting back, I found my left half of the face fighting very hard. Water was coming out of the left nostril and eye. Sneezes became my greetings again.
I saw Bungbung covered with yellow-green-ish particles, oh pollens! Get away from me and my car!
"How was the conference? You look so tired." Co-workers told me. I do? I am tired of not being able to sleep because of my own sneezes.

It rained a bit. I walked in the parking lot and felt light. No congestion. No congestion!
Please rain tonight so that I can sleep well.
But I do want a sunny Friday and weekend. Just rain at night.

flu reaction

2009-05-03T13:06:00.011-04:00

I am not quite sure whether my constant sneezing is caused by pollen or by a flu virus. I prefer pollen.
I am not ignorant and know that H1N1 has caught much attention these days because people are getting sick or dying. I was not so worried until Mama called and emailed and highly suggested me to wear a facemask outdoors.
Naturally she is worried, especially bombed by panic-promoting Taiwanese media as often as 24/7.
Therefore, I took a look at the news source, WHO, and directly copied and pasted this message from the WHO website:

"As of 0600 GMT, 3 May 2009, 17 countries have officially reported 787 cases of influenza A(H1N1) infection.
Mexico has reported 506 confirmed human cases of infection, including 19 deaths. The higher number of cases from Mexico in the past 48 hours reflects ongoing testing of previously collected specimens. The United States Government has reported 160 laboratory confirmed human cases, including one death.
The following countries have reported laboratory confirmed cases with no deaths - Austria (1), Canada (70), China, Hong Kong Special Administrative Region (1), Costa Rica (1), Denmark (1), France (2), Germany (6), Ireland (1), Israel (3), Netherlands (1), New Zealand (4), Republic of Korea (1), Spain (13), Switzerland (1) and the United Kingdom (15)".

Let me direct you the US stats data at www.cdc.gov/h1n1flu/
It says that as of May 3, 2009, 11:00 AM ET, there are 7 cases confirmed in New Jersey and 63 cases in New York.

So... what should I do? Do I follow what CDC recommends?

1. Wash my hands. ---- I do after walking through the hospital to get food in the cafeteria. I do before eating.

2. Stay in good general health. ---- I think I do except for the seasonal sneezing. The trees, however, are too beautiful to be cut dead entirely by my limited power.

3. Get plenty of sleep. ---- I have slept quite a lot recently. It is also seasonal. One of my allergic reaction is getting drowsy easily. I fell asleep while reading Angels and Demons (because I liked Da Vinci Code) or One Piece (Japanese manga 海賊王). Both were supposed to keep a reader awake.

4. Be physically active. ---- I take walks, practice yoga, and try to tango at least once a week. I am being lazy recently, however, because I am drowsy.

5. Manage my stress. ---- I did have some stress before April 29. But I am fine and happy now.

6. Drink plenty of fluids. ---- Coffee, tea, and water are my life. I also celebrated May 1 by having half bottle of wine followed by a dizzy head carrying a smiley face. I also bought half dozen of the seasonal selection of Blue Moon! This is my favorite beer of 2009.

7. Eat nutritious food. ---- I had much fruit and milk this week. Kim and Chris cooked tasty Indian food with chicken and various veggies on the last day of my postdoc fellowship. The wine I just mentioned was going very well with the Sicilian style rib eye steak served in a fine restaurant in my neighborhood. It immediately became my favorite steak of 2009. Yes, I also had much chocolate and green tea ice cream recently. They were all very nutritious.

8. Try not to touch surfaces that may be contaminated with the flu virus. ---- This rule is difficult to follow because how I would know whether a surface is contaminated. And try not to touch it? Alright, alright I will try very very hard. No touch at all.

9. Avoid close contact with people who are sick. ---- How close is close? Um... I do shake hands with stroke patients. They are sick indeed, but I cannot avoid them. I promise I will wash hands before rubbing my eyes.

My conclusion is that wearing a facemask to work or to take a walk is overreacting to the current situation, Mama.
However, I did not go to a tango practica today. The reasons are that I woke up with a series of sneezes and felt a bit under weather, and that it has been raining. It will be a pain for me to hold an umbrella with constant sneezes so that I am not able to hold the umbrella still, which condition may attract attention inducing thoughts in people's head that "This girl is sick, and we should avoid close contact with her", and I will get no leader to dance with me.

Be calm and continue your usual life style with an further healthier habits. We will be fine.

out of control

2009-04-29T19:44:00.002-04:00

After my trip from Taipei last January, I handed my documents to HR.

Since the first couple of months as a postdoc, Dr. Anna has never stopped hinting that she may keep me after the fellowship. I did not know what I would become back then. I was not in a good shape, mentally and professionally. Nothing worked as right as I wished. After some soul searching (yeah... right...), I have made a decision that I choose a life in one of the major cities (New York, Chicago, and San Francisco) and refuse to move like many many academia Gypsies: several years here as a postdoc, several years there as another postdoc, several years elsewhere as a junior faculty, and perhaps moving again several years later if not getting tenure.
I want to settle down in a city. I want to live in a city where I can walk safely almost anytime anywhere. I want to be in a community where I can tango, yoga, discuss about movies and books, but not be bothered to defend my behavior based on my gender or age.

The problem is that research universities in the cities I like are super competitive. Openings are rare. Openings are taken by scientists who have at least 5 years of postdoc experience (supported by tens of publications) or have big-money grants. I have no chance right now, not to mention two years ago or a year ago when I seriously started thinking about my very next step.

I panicked. Seriously panicked for two or three months long. I was lost and felt underachieved as if I failed myself profoundly. I can't go to a countryside like Penn State anymore. A girl from Taipei needs air like Taipei.
Dr. Anna and John D offered me a position. That was the beginning of hope. The offer letter snailed to me until two months later after the oral offer. During that time, I kept my head low and did my job.
Finally I signed the letter in December and thought all the legal processes for H1-B would start up in January so that everything would fall right into places before May, and that I might be able to attend my cousin's wedding in March.

In February, I checked with HR and insisted that I would like to talk to the attorney directly. HR arranged a phone conference for me. It turned out that the attorney had not filed my case and he asked for some other documents from me.
The case was not received by the Immigration Services until Feb 27. I was really afraid that it would not go through before May. Thus, I asked for a $1000 fee from Anna and John D. This fee will facilitate the process. HR highly suggested me not to give her the fee until the end of March so that she would send it to the attorney so that the attorney would send it to the Immigration Services. I did not argue against the whole idea of multiple indirect layers of sending. I simply (with efforts) kept breathing and waited (without further noise) until the end of March. Two weeks later on April 17, I asked HR whether the case was approved. She told me that the fee was not received by the Immigration Services until April 14.
I became paranoid. I did not believe my case would be processed by May 1, the starting day of my first ever real job.
The purpose of $1000 was to get the case through within 15 calendar days. Therefore, I tried to keep my hope up and not to think the worst. To be reasonable, there was no reason for the Immigration Services to reject my case. However, my paranoid mind was not reasonable. My guts were turning. I slept too much with too many dreams and woke up tired.
On the 15th calendar day, today, it was approved!

This is horrible.
My least favorite thing on earth is waiting. Waiting for something that is not under my control.
You cannot be too aggressive because you don't want things to back fire at you. You cannot be totally passive because you need the counter party to totally understand the importance of the thing you are waiting for. You cannot express weakness because you want to appear professional. You cannot appear arrogant because you want to express how much you care.

I called Superstar. I called Kim. I asked Jenny to buy me coffee. I smiled all the way driving home.
Success in exams, tests, defenses, or job interviews cannot compete with this simple message of approval, which critically determines the date of the new chapter of my insignificant humble scientist life.

花粉的季節

2009-04-27T22:55:00.004-04:00

一個禮拜前還可以穿著靴子不流汗
然後一場大雨外加一兩天大太陽
春天終於肯來了
就怕它好不容易來了卻要被夏天趕走了

胚只好出去跟花粉當一下朋友害得鼻子現在滿討厭我的

春光下的紐約

(點一下那照片看看整本春天的陽光)

...要去嗑一顆 Claritin 再睡覺

a season is over

2009-04-23T19:59:00.003-04:00

A squirrel is dead. It is not bloody, so I guess it was not a road kill. The body has stayed at a corner of the apartment entrance for two days. No one claims it. No one cleans it. It is naturally peacefully there.

Colorful or colorless flowers are on trees, on grounds, and in air. New fresh leaves have just started covering the woods I drive by everyday.
The sun is warm. The day is long. I take walks in my neighborhood and found many houses for rent. On-sale boards are tagged to many houses, including a lounge that Superstar and I once tried to find dinner but retreated because of Friday early evening's noise.

Paola had her farewell party. She walked in the conference room, thinking that she was late for the once-in-a-while lab meeting, as I shouted at her "Hey!" As usual, she hey-ed me back with a big smile. So typical, she did not realize this meeting was fake and the purpose was to throw a party for her. She simply sat down beside me as usual and got ready to participate in the meeting with the blue hard-covered lab notebook.
Dr. Anna and others came in. I loudly said "she has not figured it out that we are giving her a surprise."
Because of Paola, my last hour at work today was very pleasant. Everyone was enjoying the moment and being ourselves. Paola is the kind of people who make people around her feel comfortable being ourselves. She reminds me of Zabeth all the time. They are not afraid of their English skills and only care about whether they communicate effectively with others. I wish I was like them. I am lucky that I met them.

In a week, I will say goodbye to my postdoc life and finally get a real job.
It was not unexpected. Step by step, I am getting there. However, it always sets off random firings of my nerves as I am about to reach the next step.

So long, squirrel.
Goodbye, winter.
Take care, mortgage market.
See you, Paola.
Look forward to it, my new title.

how to say no

2009-04-19T21:14:00.004-04:00

I do not mind adding strangers as my friends on Facebook as long as these strangers are tango dancers who organize milongas.
I do mind adding non-strangers whom I have decided not to be friends with in real life. I ignore them by clicking "ignore" on their friend requests. Some may keep trying. If they try more than two times with nice cute messages, I might accept it and carry on my life with as little Facebook activity as usual.

This man F, who I ignored twice, facebooked me and clearly told me his identity. Of course, man, I know who you are, which is the reason why I ignore you.
I was the best student in my class. Best, defined by Taiwanese education systems and belief, is getting the best grade in every subject, excluding art, music, housekeeping, or physical education. F was one of the worst students. He hated me for unknown reasons. I believed that he hated me. Now I do not know. Perhaps he thought it was real fun to curse to my face every time passing by me. He was the first person who ever threw the extremely offensive three-word phrase to me, more than several times. The phrase literately means fuck your mother. I was 12. I put up with his face and voice for three years. I do not need a friend like him.
To be fair, I admit a possibility that he may have changed or he may not remember what he had done to me. He was just an immature boy. But I still do not want to add him as my friend even though everyone knows that "friends" on Facebook belong to a different category of friendships.

Last Friday, I did something I should have not done in a milonga.
A beginner dancer, whom I tried not to dance with in a milonga, asked me to dance. I tried not to dance with him because I had danced with him in a practica and I knew that his bad habit was a no-no-no for me to choose a partner in a milonga. He has not learned how to lead with intension or with his upper body. He pushed me around with his arms forcefully. He has not learned how to listen to the follower or wait for me to finish a move. Very uncomfortable. He and I had chatted before, and it was not easy to reject a "friend". Here, friends are defined in yet another different way.
After a song, I hinted him that his arms were a bit stiff, and I encouraged him to loosen them up.
After the second song, I could not smile anymore. Sometimes, a leader like him could still keep a sense of connection through the pushing arms, but I felt nothing but being pushed.
I missed the moment to say "thank you". (Saying "thank you" to your partner on a dance floor means that I no longer want to dance with you tonight or for the next several tandas.) Therefore, I stayed until the end of the tanda. He was happy and not ready to say "thank you" to me. I couldn't help but asked if he was a ball-room dancer. He nodded. I said "You should loose the frame. It's too firm," he looked unhappy, and I continued "thank you."
He will not ask me to dance ever again. I know. I just threw away a potential good dancer if he will be one in a year.
He and I are not "friends" anymore. I guess.

Why do people have to befriend with their classmates?
I find it hard to do. I did not choose my classmates. They simply went to the same class as I did. If it is fine that they and I did not like each other back then, it should be totally fine that I decide not to get them involved in my current life in any form.
What if I offend them on Facebook? I honestly do not care that much. I would say "get a life" or "I bet you are not so needy that you have to have me as your Facebook friend."
Or should I be mean and click "reject" instead of "ignore"? For some people, getting a rejection feels better than being ignored. I do not know F well enough to know which one he prefers.

Why do people have to get comments so personally on a dance floor?
The fact that I dance poorly or wonderfully has nothing to do with other aspects of me. If I can listen to your opinions about my dance talents, it should be totally okay that I donate my two cents to you too.
But I know that I disobeyed the no-criticizing-your-partner-in-milonga rule. Even worse, this person happened to take my comments personally. His immediate facial expression made me feel bad.
Tango already invented a polite way to leave the floor by saying "thank you", but I still do not know how to avoid an invitation nicely or how to give verbal feedback nicely, nicely enough to leave feelings unhurt.
Eric suggested that I could have just stopped moving when being pushed. I replied "that's not nice."

I need something to click:
"Awesome"
"Good"
"Not bad"
"No comment"
"Helpless"
"Please disappear"

I wish the last option was offered on Facebook.

魚羊

2009-04-15T19:31:00.003-04:00

幾個月前，我跟三個美國人去吃日本料理，我當然是點了生魚片，畢竟這道菜不需要料理只講究魚肉的新鮮度。
Jerry 點了鴨肉，Jeanie 點了熟食的壽司卷 (rolls)，我就開玩笑的說你們這些美國人啊來了日本料理店就是要點 fish 呀。James 立刻回嘴 "I did. I ordered shellfish."
'Oh come on. Shellfish is not fish.' 我也回嘴但是沒有堅持，何必得理不饒人呢，中文也精確不到哪裡去。

每次有人問我的生肖，我會說 "Goat or sheep. They are the same in Chinese." 像 James 那樣的人一定會說 ' Yeah right. Goat is not sheep.' 小時候我都跟別人說「麻嗎是山羊，我是綿羊」，不過在英文的世界裡我就會接著繼續為中文辯護 "I did not know rabbit is different from hare until several years ago. We simply do not differentiate them in daily language."

當 Zabeth 教我 rabbit 跟 hare 不一樣的時候，她說 rabbit 是歐洲常見的料理，而 hare 很難吃得到。所以這應該也可以用來區分 goat 和 sheep，前者變成羊肉爐，後者拿來做毛衣。
像是鱷魚也可以這樣分，alligator 和 crocodile，前者是美國南方紐澳良的名菜很不錯吃，後者好像只能拿來做皮包。
這樣隨便一舉例，原來物種可以如此簡單的分類：食用類和實用類。

如果中文可以說山羊綿羊都是羊，我就只好勉強對 "shellfish is fish" 妥協。
很多美國人吃魚不知道魚長什麼樣子，吃干貝不知道殼長什麼樣子，上桌的魚肉和干貝都是白白一大塊，又都歸類到 seafood，他們真的不太介意 shellfish 和 fish 在活著時候的差別，在水裡游又可以吃的都叫做 fish，所以鯨魚就不是 fish 了。我相信在日本，鯨魚應該跟鮪魚一起都歸在食用類。

那麼這隻到底是山羊還是綿羊啊？很鮮吧 :)

圖片來自 travelsd.com

mute

2009-04-09T22:19:00.004-04:00

Can't watch Colbert Report online anymore.
Can't talk to Mama via Skype anymore.
Can't listen to Pandora anymore.
Can't hear any annoying Window starting-up noise.
Can't get any warning ding of google chats.

Oh... my life goes to silence.

How could this happen?
Things do happen, right? That's what things do. That's what things do to me.

I was talking with a headset corded to the computer. I was skyping with Mama and sitting in my couch. When I sat up, I felt a current of electricity flowing from my ear to the computer.
The right side auditory channel was then killed a month ago. Since then, I could only enjoy sound effects on one side. Thus, I moved the unaffected audio to the middle, so that I could have the illusion/perception that the sound came from the middle instead of only the left.
Last night, another current, stronger than the previous one, struck into my computer as I moving around in the couch listening to Mama's updates of my brother. This time it even hurt my ear a bit. The right channel was gone in this incident.
Who would know I could be so electric?

The result is a mute computer.
I'll miss Mama's voice and Colbert's jokes and Pandora's singing. Life is changing.

Mama comforts me: Silence is better than sounds. Yeah?
I'm gonna dance to humming in my head. Gonna get some acoustic samples in Yale Tango Festival.

Things, enough is enough. Be nice to me.

離家背井的親近

2009-04-07T20:59:00.008-04:00

他回到家了，我弟弟，經過了五個月的波折，從聖彼得堡回台北了。
他在那裡好壞參半，認識不同國家的好人和壞人，增進了些俄文，說不定英文也有小小的進步。再三個月就可以結束的課程，他選擇提前回家，理由我可以了解，去年我也差一點崩盤，那差點崩盤的原因也類似。什麼室友不好啦，什麼課業工作不順啦，什麼愛情不再啦，如果都是單獨爆出來的偶發事件，心情還不會低落到無望的深壓海底：耳膜脹破了，連自己都聽不到自己吶喊的聲音。
但是如果這些事情一個接一個的來，又要自己獨自面對，最後來個被搶被扒的倒楣事，一個完全沒有主控權的倒楣事，最基本的信心都失去了，真的就是要放棄了。

我那時真的是一個人，又不是在校園裡，沒有留學生可以依靠國際團體，可以即時接濟我的人也才認識半年。好在六七年下來，我的英文算是流利，勉強行屍走肉的過了一兩個月，剛好遇到換簽證的機會回台北修復心臟，低潮兩三個月也總算好轉，只是一切都不再如前，像是莫名奇妙的又狠狠心碎了一回。
我弟呢？去唸語言學校就代表他的俄文程度還不到像我這樣自如的使用英文，台灣派過去的辦事人員又不理睬他或是麻嗎的交代，擺明著只收錢不做事的心態，大概想這些小鬼就是來遊學幾個月而已，來來去去的快，今天不理明天不理後天人就回台灣了，人回去了她也省了麻煩。俄國室友吸毒喝酒，後來韓國室友酒後打女人，好不容易搬離開宿舍過了幾個月安穩的日子，房子漏水於是被法院查封，二房東和房東責任推來推去，他沒了去處，以為就要下定決心怎麼也要留下的時候，皮夾在他眼前被扒走了。
我沒被搶之前，所有的東西都放在同一個皮夾了，證件、提款卡、信用卡、連鎖店的打折卡、地鐵車票、現金、名片、甚至是支票本。我弟那天的皮夾也是這樣，如果護照可以放得進去，我的護照也會被搶走，他的護照也會不保。
他說他想要回台北，我完全理解。

這個經驗是好是壞呢，長遠來說是好的。當然要先痛完之後，回頭看才知道是好的。
回想我的第一年，破破的英文，又不是認知心理科班出身，住在小小的房間裡不理會室友，獨來獨往，牽掛著遠遠的愛情，遙想著遠遠的目標，像是虔誠的教徒一樣，不計代價而且盲目的相信著那些遠遠的抽象概念是存在的。
後來遇到莫名奇妙的男人女人，發現台灣來的人比美國人還難以相處，原來歐洲人跟我個性最合，果然講同樣的語言不代表心意可以相通。
這些年來我自己去買車，處理車禍的事情，再去買車；自己搬家，自己賣家具，自己州際搬家，自己買家具。過程當然有朋友相助，不過每當我跟美國人提起，他們總是覺得我過份獨立，好像家人不在同一塊土地上，我就被歸類成「隻身一人」。
課業上呢，沒唸過博士的人就像是沒有心碎過的人一樣，沒有經歷過就是不會了解。
我想我是幸運的，我可以自己處理這麼多事情。是執著還是固執？是有毅力還是死腦筋？沒有人評斷我，麻嗎給我無限的空間和無盡的支持。

如果我是我弟，我想我也會回家。在一個語言不通的國度被騙被欺負，又看不到目標在哪裡。
但是我會再去。因為我就是會說服自己去設目標，我就是會死腦筋的想在同一個地方站起來，所以車禍之後我還是買了同樣的金龜車，所以被駁回的稿子我可以一寫再寫直到發表為止，所以我不輕易把分手作為吵架的結論，所以我是我，我不是我弟。

我跟他非常不相像，我出國之後，距離減少了我跟他之間的摩擦，也減少了互相無意給予的包袱，不過卻也增加了互相把對方當作成年人的尊敬。
「我是我，他是他」不代表我跟他劃清界線，也不代表誰比誰優秀，我們是平起平坐的，姊弟之間的無解當然還是存在的。
「我是我，他是他」是一種認同他可以是他，我可以是我，他不要把我當成遙不可及的姊姊，我也不會把他當成長不大的弟弟。

最近重看了戀戀情深 What's Eating Gilbert Grape，這麼多年後 (1993 至今)依然是我最喜歡的電影之一，家家難唸的經都是來自於你最親的人，你就是無法離棄。
國小的時候，我寫過作文題目「我弟弟」，到現在我還在寫他呢，只是現在他長大了，我也長大了。

open-ended

2009-04-05T13:31:00.005-04:00

I loved the beginning of Duplicity. Well, not the mutual seduction between Roberts and Owen, but the two executive jets and slow motion of the fights between the two CEOs.
The movie is definitely not the best of the year. The story is not the best of its type. The acting is not the best performance in the career of any actors in the film. The music is ok. The visual presentation is in a good old fashion: clean, clear, close-ups, and the use of the flashback moments in fragments.
Some individual one-scene shots are powerfully arranged like the two jets. Lines are well written.
Witty, ironic, and sometimes insightful, several lines in the movie caught me. Lines about love and relationships. Lines about being the first and the best.
Even though it does not deserve any Best Picture Award, it occupied my mind after I stepping out the cinema. I thought about how they failed and how possible the opponent could be so good (oh well, it's fiction, and things can make sense in a Hollywood movie easily.) I thought about love and relationships because the chemistry between Roberts and Owen's characters were nice and strong. Their lines did deliver certain concepts applicable to non-Hollywood worlds.

Roberts's character states that Owen's character may be the only person on earth understands her. Both of them are not trustworthy and are great con artists. They are so alike, like twins in mind. They do not compensate for each other, but one is a dupicate of the other. "You know who I am, but you still love me. I love you for this." That's very sweet and true. Love is acceptance and understanding. Love is embracing every part of your partner.
But they must not live together. In real life, they would get divorced probably in three weeks if they ever tried to sleep with each other on a daily basis. Sex might be so great (as indicated in the movie) that their life sharing could last for another three weeks but not more. All the little flaws eventually would be magnified. "How could you have done this? You knew I would be upset. You knew me!" They would say such things to hurt each other all the time. No one would want to yield his/her right to be "nicer" or give in his/h er pride of being his/herself.
They would love each other forever but they would never find a comfort zone in each other's life. Oh yeah, I could see how they ended with one person taking off, leaving no note and no trace of ever existence.

Could I foresee lasting success of romantic relationships in other movies?
Let's try.
Yes for Dan in Real Life and Stranger than Fiction (guy too serious and dull, gal happy and passionate), Lars and the Real Girl (guy needs great care, gal [the real one who talks and walks] slowly touches his heart and needs being needed).
Actually I could not think of any movie of possible lasting success of relationships immediately. I had to go on Blockbuster online to trigger my memory. It took me half an hour to give you the above-mentioned three examples.
By contrast, it is so easy to come up with probable failures such as Juno (they were simply too young), Before Sunset (their imagination of each other over the past 9 years did not neccesarily support a real relationship), Garden State (merely short attraction but not strong enough), Jerry Maguire (he loved himself much more than her or the family they were about to re-build), Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind (how to trust a person who had tried to erase you from memory?). There are also many movies with ended love. To name a few, Little Children, The Reader, The Visitor, or Atonement.

If a love story is open-ended, the couple may have a chance to have an endless relationship. However, I do not have a firm conclusion on my current thought on movies with love stories.
In real life, if two people are establishing an open-ended relationship, will the chance of having an endless relationship increase? What is an open-ended relationship?

Oh I am thinking too much, and thoughts are scattering everywhere. Questions with open-ended answers make me realize how uncreative I am...

Congratulations to homosexual men and women in Iowa, by the way. Don't ask me why I think about this now. Perhaps my brain is too stressed out in trying to figure out a cool answer for what-is-an-open-ended-relationship, and it wants to be distracted by other random thoughts.
Say "open-ended" is the opposite of "well-defined". Marriage is a well-defined relationship. Following my logic and assumption: If it is well-defined, then it is not open-ended. If it is not open-ended, will it be endless?

Let's conclude this entry no matter what. Dupilicity is a good treat for eyes and mind, but won't last forever.

james

2009-03-26T21:05:00.001-04:00

I walked into the cafeteria and saw someone walking out. In quarter of a second, I glanced his face and my memory ran like crazy.
"Hey! Did you graduate from Penn State?" I did something I rarely rarely do, which is shouting out to a stranger. Well, he may have been a stranger if my memory of him was wrong.
'Yeah...' He stopped and looked at me with a puzzling expression.
"Sorry about this. I graduated from Penn State too. And you just look so familiar to me. I am Toby's student." I said so because anyone who ever took Toby's class would never ever forget Toby, who is one of the best teachers I have ever met, and also my academia father.
Soon I added my name to the introduction without any hope that this person would recognize me at all. He provided his hand, and I shaked his hand, and he told me his name.
'I'm James,' Oh I thought it was George, so close, and he continued 'I was so-an-so's student.'
"Right, you were in Kinesiology." I of course remember he was in Kinesiology.
Motor control is a shared interest between cognitive psychology and kinesiology. James and I took a cognitive psychology class together back in 2003, I believe, which was not Toby's but David's. Anyway, James was cute, and he is still cute or cuter.
We briefly exchanged our recent professional lives while I was thinking "What a good-looking guy!"

James. I must have a thing for this name. Purely coincidents? Or it is simply such a common name.
In Taiwan, people get an English name which usually has nothing to do with the original Chinese name. It is just something we Taiwanese do. Back there when I was twelve, my first love affair was with a classmate named James. He had beautiful fingers and kissable lips (although I did not kiss him because it was not ethical to kiss a boy who had an official girlfriend). My boyfriend in college years also had this same English name. Now my star you-know-who goes by this name in the English-speaking world.
I like James in my lab. He is a great kid with a kind of humor that I love: low-key, semi-sarcastic, soft voice with a sharp point.
I like James in my postdoc group. He is one of the smartest people I've ever known in my generation. Funny and smart. Thinks so quickly and critically like Toby.

Oh! I know why I thought his name was George. He looks like the George in the movie "My Best Friend's Wedding". Isn't he cute?
Mama and I used to watch this movie again and again whenever HBO played it. Funny thing is that I remember the character's name George but cannot recall what Julia Roberts' or Cameron Diaz' charactor's name.
Why? Because this guy was cute, and this actor's name was never in my system, or he played a gay man? I love gay people and cute guys :)
Alright, this random encounter should be it. It being that my little crush was over.
However, it was so nice that I could be suddenly pulled back to years ago in the middle of my busy day exchanging 20 emails with Toby.

Oh! Why I remembered James? Perhaps exchanging email with Toby primed me!
Alright, I gotta stop applying psychology terms to my foolish self-analysis. Good night, people, Friday is coming.

challenge!

2009-03-21T10:46:00.003-04:00

My sudoku career started in Spring 2008 with a five-dollar investment on "Pocket Sudoku Volume 1" bought in New York Penn Station or Newark Airport.
It contains 75 "Light and Easy", 25 "Moderate", 25 "Demanding", 23 "Beware! Very Challenging!" and 2 "Bonus Giant Sudoku".

I am now at the 75th "Light and Easy". You must be thinking "Pei is a slow, not-so-smart and over-educated person." Oh well... I only practice it every weekend when riding trains to Manhattan or anytime I was waiting for a flight or stuck in an airport.
Sometimes it was so easy, and I could quickly solve a puzzle in 5 minutes (hey! I tried! ).
Sometimes it was very difficult, and my brain denied to work. The one I posted here, the 46th "Light and Easy", took me three train rides without solving it, and I held it and moved on to the next puzzle. You know, like taking a paper exam in school: temporarily skip the difficult questions and solve the rest and come back to it when you have time.

I gave it to Superstar, who claims being smarter than me (in jargon: he may have faster processing speed, or better handle on his working memory. Alternatively, the 2-year military service may have given him time to be good at it.).
But he did not fill out any cell after my first (and second and third) attempts.
Months and months later, after I practiced more, I thought I was good enough to solve it. I came back to it and oh... thinking is a job! Another 30-minute train ride did not make any progress.
I gave it to Superstar again. This time it took him one train ride and one car ride, totally about one hour, to get it done!
Solved!!! Alright, he is smarter.

Mr. Will Shortz, this is not light and easy. For the next edition, it should be moved to the next level.

Anyway, try it. Perhaps it is light and easy for you.

what's up

2009-03-18T21:56:00.004-04:00

"How are you doing?"
"Good. Nothing to complain about." My answer surprised myself.

Really. Nothing to complain about. I am not stressed out for writing a grant, a paper, a cover letter for job application, a PhD dissertation, a comp question, a note for exam preparation, a homework essay, or a line of affection for someone I secretly dreamed.
I am relatively healthy too. Two bottles of Chinese-medicine cream suppress the dry and itchy symptoms of my hands. My knee is doing better after correcting myself from over-extending. I sleep well and long enough everyday. I eat well and probably too much for my slowing metabolism.
Social life and love life are good. I really have nothing major to complain about.
It feels weird that I am not anxious.

It does.
I have nothing to update my friends. I return to my listener role as previously when I never talked about myself. Back then, I simply refused to open up, but now I really have nothing much to say. What a boring me.
Of course there are some isolated episodes that could be something I could chat about. Things like yesterday I spent almost one hour persuading a person to do his job. The trade was if I wrote a thank-him letter to his boss, he would send things I requested immediately.
"Hey, dude. This is supposedly your job. You want me to compliment you to your boss for doing your job? Seriously?" No, I did not say so. I nodded to the phone and agreed. Because of his strong accent, it took me extra minutes to spell his and his boss's names correctly. I composed a nice letter and faxed it to him.

Things like a research assistant who I sometimes had happy hour with is leaving to attending a med school in Nebraska.
Things like Jenny came to me and joked about how I never replied to her email that actually was not asking for my help.
Things like a big boss was ok enough with me by saying his underwear was green on St. Patrick's Day although he did not wear anything green noticeable.
Things like tedious administrative things needing my attention, which is currently quite ok to give.
Things like doing dishes and laundries.

Nothing serious is up.
This feels weird.
I have not felt this way for a long long time. I am not anxious or excited. Things are going pretty smoothly.

In the same time, people around me are having or about to have life-changing things.
Superstar is deciding what to do with his professional life.
A medical doctor, volunteering in my lab for about 6 months now, from India got matched as a resident doctor in the US.
Two co-workers announced they are pregnant and due in the same month. One friend admitted to me that she and her husband are trying to get pregnant.
A cousin is getting married in 10 days.
A friend is recovering from a surgery removing his gall bladder.
Another friend is going on gluten-free diet for sure forever.

I am sitting here and feel ... peaceful and ... nice. I am in the state of baseline.
Today is a nice day.
I wish I have a nice day tomorrow too. I wish you too.
Or something better than nice is up, so that I will say "Great!" instead "Good."

What's up?

i really love my ..

2009-03-13T19:43:00.005-04:00

This pair cost me six dollars for priceless joy. The main component is a piece of wood painted in grassy green but always complimented as jade green. I must look very nice with the pair. People love to stop and make a nice remark to my earrings.

I thought I lost one of them. I did not throw away the remaining earring. My first idea was to collect all of my lone earrings together and make a necklace. Last weekend I stopped by the store where I purchased the earrings with green wood. I hoped to see the same pair and was willing to pay twelve dollars (it was 50% or so discount for the last time). I did not find them, sadly.

This morning I was looking for a necklace and saw a lone green-wood earring sitting at the bottom of the jewelry box! I reunited the pair on my palm immediately and totally tossed the idea of wearing the necklace. "I am going to sport the new-found previously-missing earrings," and I found myself looking very happy in the mirror.

I throw things away. Every now and then, I actively throw things away on purpose. Or you may say that I am a conscious collector. I do not keep things that I know I do not need it for any practical or abstract reason any more. I do not buy something before knowing exactly what I am going to do with it. This is why I could spend hours trying out tens of outfits but only get one or none at the end. I could go online, surfing for an hour, placing items in my e-checkout cart, but never clicking the "summit" button to complete the purchasing procedure. I call this my e-window shopping.
When throwing things away, I do not hesitate much. Some insignificant gift given by someone insignificant will be in the trash can if I never find any possible way to give it away. T-shirts that haven't been on my body for years and never comfortable to sweat in will be thrown away next time I see them occupying space in my drawer. Diaries containing bad memories were thrown away.

With all those said, my point is that things usually do not get lost. If I cannot find something, it was because I never had them in the first place or because I deliberately trashed them.
Thus, I was pretty upset when I could not find the earring. And you can imagine how delighted I was as seeing it.

Some gossip magazine likes to put together several pictures of the same celebrity and to show this person really likes to carry one particular purse, cap, scarf, or sunglasses to anywhere.
I really like these particular earrings. Sometimes I was consciously telling myself not to put them on but give other pairs a try. "Other pairs are more expensive. They are pretty too. Your co-workers may get bored seeing you with the same earrings everyday."
The shoes I wear most are a pair I got in the first year of my American life. They were from Payless and cost about twelve dollars.

Here is some kind of self-analysis.
The mostly frequently wore pairs are usually on the cheap side of the monetary scale. The reason why I keep buying new items is for maintaining the high status of my favorite item on the top list, for not wearing out my favorites too quickly, or for trying to find new favorites. However, favorite is hard to find or to replace. Before I find it or replace the old one, hundreds or thousands of dollars were already gone over the years. That is, I actually spent hundreds or thousands on my favorite earrings or shoes. That is, my six-dollar favorite earrings and twelve-dollar shoes are priceless comparing to their sold value, but actually highly priced because I seldom wear other earrings or shoes that emptied my savings.

Wow, I am really glad that I found my favorite earrings back. I almost lost a fortune.